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On the edge of outer space

Space, space, space

She's the one with a serious face

Face, face, face, face, face

And I dropped in, checked it out

Alien girls were all about

Eons since I had a date

Another light-year's too long to wait

- Earth girls - Are easy

- Earth girls - So easy

Earth girls

Hey, those girls are loads of fun

Fun, fun, fun, fun

Even hotter than the sun

Sun, sun, sun

You know that I've had lots of girls

Most of them from other worlds

While trippin' through the galaxy

The Valley girls are the ones for me

- Earth girls - Are easy

- Earth girls - So easy

Earth girls

Earth girls

Girls

I've had lots of girls

Most of them from other worlds

Eons since I had a date

Another light-year's too long to wait

- Earth girls - Are easy

- Earth girls - So easy

Earth girls

- Earth girls - Are easy

- Earth girls - So easy

Earth girls

- Earth girls - So easy

So easy, so easy

- So easy - Earth girls

Earth girls

Valerie.

- I'm home. - Oh, no. Ted, wait.

You're not supposed to see me in this before the wedding. It's bad luck.

Don't worry about it.

I mean, sweetheart, it's just some stupid superstition anyway.

Yeah, you're right. We met on Friday 13th and look how happy we are.

So, Ted, what happened? You said 11:00.

I'm sorry, Val. It was blood and guts night at the old emergency room.

Again?

Gee, I wish you'd called me.

I would have, but, you know, five minutes on the phone

and that could, uh, cost a life.

You know that.

I'm ready, Teddy.

Oh, what a day.

Boy.

I was fluffing it for you.

Sweetheart, could you get the light, please?

Teddy...

look what I found.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry,

but I have to take out a gallbladder first thing in the morning.

- Tomorrow night. I promise. - No, I won't be here tomorrow night.

- I'll be at the Nail Expo. - What?

The Cuticle Convention, remember? I'll be gone till Monday.

Oh, well, Monday, then. I promise.

I was reading an ad for these pyramids that you can get and put over the bed

and they're supposed to increase sexual energy.

- I thought we could... - Valerie, please.

- Sorry. - Good night, sweetheart.

Night.

K-Earth 101 southland weather... another gorgeous day in L.A.

Sunny and warm. 86 degrees in Malibu, 94 in the Valley, 88 in Hollywood.

That's K-Earth 101 news. I'm Claudia Marshall.

Hi, Miss Lana. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I missed our appointment. You look so great.

- That's a great outfit. - Thanks, dear. That door's a real bitch.

- Hi, Val. - Morning.

It's a really good color for me.

- Wow. - Yeah.

You need a fill.

- Morning, all. - Good morning.

You better have a note from your mother, young lady.

I don't know. I'm just not that turned on by her lately.

I hear oysters are good for potency.

Yeah, I tried that once, but they kept slipping off.

If I was any more potent, I'd kill somebody.

- Whoa! - Oh, right!

No, no, no.

I gave this cute, little nurse a ride home the other night, right?

Yeah, and?

And nothing. I'm getting married next month.

And why are you so tardy, young lady?

I was up real late last night with Ted.

Dr. Dolittle finally came through, huh?

No. He was dead on arrival.

- Again? Sanka? - Sure.

You know, at the rate we've been having sex,

we might as well be married already.

What's it been, like, a week?

Two weeks.

Valerie, Ted is obviously a victim of PMS.

- What? - Premarital stress.

What'll snap him out of it?

- A new woman. - Thanks.

Wait. That's it! We'll make you a new woman.

This is great. This is totally fabulous. Watch this.

Okay, let's see how you look on the makeover machine.

Oh, housewife from hell.

Matron on drugs. Look at that.

That's it. We'll make you blonde with blue eyes.

I don't know. Maybe when I get back from the nail expo...

No, skip the expo. Stay home and ambush Ted.

What if he doesn't like it?

At this point, what have you got to lose?

I don't know.

Hey, come on, everybody. We're doing a makeover.

- A perm. - A perm.

- A butch. - A butch.

- A facial. - A facial.

- A body wrap. - A body wrap.

- Gravel scrub. - A gravel scrub.

- Bikini wax. - Bikini wax.

A fall.

- We'll do it all. - All right!

It's time to face the music, It's time to make you see

The root of all your problems is that you don't look like me

Now this is gonna hurt you, but I just got to say

Your love life's going nowhere 'cause you look like Doris Day

Who's the one they can't resist?

The brand new girl

Who's on the most wanted list?

The brand new girl

Honey, if you vixenize, guaranteed he'll get a rise

- Believe that you can be a brand new - Brand new

- Brand new - Brand new

- Brand new - Brand new

Brand new girl

You're cute and fresh and wholesome

But science has a cure

The natural look is nowhere

Your hairdresser knows for sure

You gotta learn the art of teasing, change your repertoire

All you need's a little faith

And a see-through pushup bra

If you wanna be a femme fatale

You can't rest on your L'Oreals

You know, I think she might be right

Grab the bleach, she's seen the light

Maybelline

Revlon

Rubbermaid

Talk to me, Max Factor

Who's the one they can't resist?

- The brand new girl - Brand new

Who's on the most wanted list?

The brand new girl

Honey, if you vixenize

Guaranteed he'll get a rise

Believe that can be a brand new

- Brand new - Brand new

- Brand new - Brand new

- Brand new - Brand

New

Girl

Girl.

Hello, Dr. Gallagher.

Surprised?

Yes, it's me.

Dr. Gallagher. Why are you looking at me like that?

You want to do what?

Oh, no, no. I couldn't.

No, no, please. Stop.

No, no.

Well...

all right.

Okay. Let's see.

Now, champagne, flowers,

sushi, feathers...

sensual oil...

right,

and incense or, let's see...

"Sprinkle a light bulb with your favorite perfume

to sensualize the atmosphere of your love trap."

Oh, no!

Oh, God. He's here.

Well, this is where we live.

- We? - Yeah. You know,

me and... the cat, Bambi.

Just make yourself at home, all right?

Okay.

" How to Drive a Man Crazy."

Eat me, I'm a cookie!

I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

I didn't know Ted had company. I'm Valerie.

I don't usually dress like this.

Here comes Dr. Love.

All right, Robin, a pileup.

Who's your friend?

- Shit! Val. - Ted, what are you doing?

- Gee, nothing. - What... what is going on here?

You brought a girl home to have sex?

Well, you weren't supposed to be here, Val.

- You were going to have sex without me? - Well, no. Of course not.

Look, I don't know what you two had in mind,

but I'm really not into kinky scenes. Bye.

Gee, Val, you look incredible.

You know, honey, she doesn't mean a thing to me, really.

If meaningless sex is what you want,

why can't you have it with me?!

I'm sorry. I made a stupid mistake.

Hey, you know, I thought I wanted a last fling, that's all.

You can't expect me to be more evolved than I really am.

Evolved? I'll show you evolved.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Val.

No, no. No, don't do that. That's very dangerous.

Cut it... Val, stop it!

Cut it out!

Val, come on!

Neighbors are watching!

Val, open up. Sweetheart, open the door!

You're wanted in emergency, Dr. Love.

Val, you can't do this to me! I'm a doctor!

Here!

Take these with you, Dr. Love.

And don't come back!

Ted!

Ted!

Ted, where are you going?

Go to bed, Mrs. Merkin!

You're a liar, and it took me forever

To figure that out

You could switch on a smile

Pretend to be tender

But I know now what you're all about

What a nightmare

My friends thought you were a dream

You could switch on a smile

And seem so sincere

But you don't even know what that means

I don't think you'll ever understand

Ooh, did cheating on me make you feel like a man?

I used to worship the ground you walk on

I did anything you wanted me to

I used to worship the ground you walk on

Now I've lost my faith in you

Sunday mornings I'd wake up

Lie in bed watching you sleep

It was almost religious

How I believed in you

It hurt when you destroyed my belief

I don't think you'll ever understand

Ooh, did cheatin' on me make you feel like a man?

I used to worship the ground you walk on

I did anything you wanted me to

I used to worship the ground you walk on

Now I've lost my faith in you

Oh, I've lost my faith in you

I used to worship the ground you walk on

Didn't think I'd get by without you

Now I don't worship the ground you walk on

And I'm stronger than I knew

I'm stronger than you knew

- Come here, you. - No, Doctor. What about your wife?

She's in a coma. You're not.

No.

John? John?

You weasel dick!

Hello. Oh, Candy.

The worst thing in the world happened.

No, Bambi's fine. It's Ted.

Yeah. The blonde thing did not work.

It's the show that shows the ins and outs of the southern California fitness craze.

Let's face it. Inner beauty is for losers...

Mac!

Oh, great.

Oh, this is too good.

There's a giant blow dryer in my pool.

Oh, shit!

Goddamn it, Ted, you're not gonna control my mind when you're not here.

Okay, Val.

Just release all this negative energy out into the universe.

You're just gonna swim right through it.

Oh, Teddy bear. You're back.

What is this? What's going on here?

This isn't what it looks like, is it?

- Is it? - Is it?

Oh, my God, it is. It's a spaceship.

Oh, like things weren't bad enough.

Now I've been abducted by a UFO.

Now, you guys... you're just gonna do some little experiments on me

and then, um, let me go like in the National Enquirer, right?

- Right? - Right?

Right?

Okay, okay. Just don't take out anything I'm gonna need later.

Come on, come on. Get it over with and then let me go, okay?

I don't know why you abducted me anyway.

I'm sure you're looking for somebody more important,

- like Nancy Reagan. - Nancy Reagan.

- Nancy Reagan. - Really, if you let me go,

I'll tell you where to find her because, see, I'm just a manicurist.

I don't know anything about anything except nails.

- You know, nails. - Nails.

- Nails. - Nails.

Nibs.

Really, I can keep my mouth shut.

I'm the kind of person that you can tell anything to and I would never tell.

Ask my cousin Debbie. You know, she got her boobs done, and I never told anyone.

Oh, except I just told you.

Oh, my God. You're aliens.

Zeebo.

Is that your name? Zeebo?

Wiploc.

Wiploc. Hi.

Makelsolakveder.

Maybe I'll just call you Mac. How's that?

- Oh, and I'm Valerie. - Valerie.

- "Walerie." - Volare.

You guys aren't gonna to hurt me, are you?

Your planet is weird.

We're still in my pool.

Well, listen. It was really nice meeting you, fellas, but I have to go.

Feel free to use the pool, really, but you've caught me at sort of a bad time.

Did I do that? I flooded the ship.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

I'm really, really sorry, you guys, but I'm sure you can fix it, right?

Don't freak out, really. This is just like the time

that I dropped my lady Schick in the toilet.

It's really... as soon as it dried out, it worked fine. Really.

Let's go in my house and I'll make some lunch and I'll get the pool drained,

and then you guys can take off, you know, back to your planet.

Blast off.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Comprende?

- Comprende? - Comprende?

Comprende.

Be careful. This ladder's a little loose.

Oh, I'm glad you can breathe okay.

The air quality is actually very good today.

Careful. It's kind of wet.

Okay? Well, come on. Let's go in the house.

This way.

Those are lemons. You know, lemonade, lemon Pledge.

It's okay. It's a sprinkler.

Listen, Earth people are gonna freak out if they see you.

No offense, but you do look kinda like wookies,

or werewolves or something, and people hate that.

I mean, they're gonna wanna shoot you or something, so just be cool, okay?

Let's go inside. Come on, come on.

What's going on in my horoscope today?

Well, this is my house.

Sorry about the mess.

Make yourselves at home.

Hi. This is Valerie Gale.

Could you send Woody over to drain my pool?

Yeah. Right away. It's an emergency. I...

I've never seen her do that before!

What is that, some kind of love touch?

Hi. Yeah. Listen. This is a matter of life and death.

See, I lost my contact lens in the pool...

No, no. It's gotta be Woody. He found it the last time.

Hey! Those are Ted's fish!

Thanks.

No. No. No. No.

Not food! Not food!

Let's see. Not much here,

but then, I didn't expect I'd be having aliens for lunch.

Look. Low-cal Pop Tarts. These are natural.

Great.

Okay. We have an entree. What else?

Instant pudding!

Add water? Too much work.

Spray-on cheese! This is great.

You have eggs on your planet?

I could cook those for you.

This is wonderful.

Wiploc! No! No! Not there!

No. Come with me.

Okay. So you go in there.

No! No! Come here. No.

You go in there.

Go in there...

Yeah. And then you flush.

Oh, my God! Woody's here! Whatever you do, just stay inside.

You are Americans.

You're the product of the freest society...

You're tearing me apart!

You say one thing, he says another, and everybody changes back...

- A new car! - A new car!

Hey! How's it going?

- Hey, Woody. - What's that you're sitting on?

- Some kind of giant boogie board? - No, it's my new pool patio.

- Bitchin', huh? - It's pretty rad.

Whoa! Shoot the curl, kitty!

Those little guys love the water, don't they?

Listen, Valerie. How come you want your pool drained?

How come? I don't know.

You know, the water just seems really stale or something.

We've seen a lot of that.

So, how long is this gonna take?

About a day.

Whoa, check out the sets, man.

If I was six inches tall, I'd be out there now.

They were pumping like that this morning...

- I don't believe this. - No, for real.

And I was getting barreled in this totally cool tube.

I had just Sex Waxed my board, really prem'.

Some hotdog shoots his board, hits me in the head.

- Look at that. - This is the worst.

Yeah, it would've been the ride of the decade, too.

Well, what am I supposed to do until tomorrow?

Waste your brain. Wax your board.

Pray for waves.

Try this. What'll it be?

What'll it be?

Nice. Make me an Alaskan polar bear heater on the double.

Come on, come on.

We'll make our own music, gorgeous. You and you stay.

Tubby, you go rest your thumbs. I'll drive.

Now watch, baby. Every move a picture.

Is there a doctor in the house? Not right now.

Leave a message when you hear the beep.

Valerie? Are you there?

Please pick up. I need to talk to you.

I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

Val, you've got to believe this. I've never ever been unfaithful to you. Ever.

I'm only guilty of a little kissy-face with one nurse. I swear.

Sweetheart, tou stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life last night.

Val, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

I'll see you when I get home. Bye.

Come back to Finland.

Come back to winter all year round.

Come back to parkas and goat cheese.

Finland knows what you want-

Okay. Well, we're all set.

- Finland is here? - Finland?

No, this is the Valley.

Finland is the capital of Norway. God, you guys sure learn fast.

I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

See you found a cable station.

Valerie, are you there? Please pick up.

Did Ted call?

I'll be over right after work tonight. Okay, honey? Bye.

Oh, my God! What am I gonna do?

Ted is, like, a trained doctor.

One look at you guys and he's gonna know you're not local.

If I only had about zillion gallons of Nair.

- Nair. - Nair.

Nair.

I'm a sex pixie

Is that okay?

Candy, whatever you do, don't freak out.

- Valerie! - I mean it, don't freak out.

- Promise me you won't freak out. - You are freaking me out!

Okay, okay. Oh, my God.

A UFO landed in my pool and they captured me, but we made friends,

and I fed them Pop Tarts and they're here now,

but Ted's coming home tonight, so you've got to cut their hair.

- What did you say? - Nothing. I'm on drugs.

Candy, you gotta help them.

Would you listen to yourself?

Valerie, no man is worth getting yourself in this state over.

Mel Gibson, maybe, but not Ted!

Valerie, come here. Just sit down, honey.

Relax. Have a mental margarita.

Candy, now I'm gonna show you something

that's gonna totally change your life completely, forever, okay?

Well, in that case, let me get a cigarette.

You got little alien house guests... let's see 'em.

Shit, Valerie!

- Those are aliens! - I told you.

Oh, God! Oh, shit!

Valerie! Valerie! Those are... those are big aliens!

What do they want from us? What do you want from us?

Did they take control of your brain?

I don't think so.

Can they talk?

I ate all the Frusen Gladje.

My panty shields make me feel fresh all day.

Are they straight?

I don't know. They're aliens.

This is Mac,

and this is Zeebo, and this is Wiploc.

Well, they're just darling. Get 'em out of here.

They can't leave until the pool is drained and you know Ted.

I mean, if he finds out they're aliens, he'll wanna call Washington

or dissect them or something.

I mean, I think we could make them look more sort of human.

Yeah, I thought you never wanted to see Ted again.

I don't. I just want to talk to him.

Valerie, this is insane.

Oh, God. They're, like, throwing up on my stuff!

Come on, Candy.

Well, I see split ends are universal.

Lost in space with no conditioner, huh?

I think they've been up there a long time.

Well, it's all dead. It's got to come off.

- Can you do it? - Does Tina Turner wear a wig?

- That's a wig? - That's a wig.

- Great! - No, thanks. It's got spit on it.

- I'll get clothes! - But if I find one flea, the deal's off!

Okay, Val, are you ready? I think they're almost done.

Okay, with the big red one I went for the blond-surfer look.

Which one is that?

Wiploc. We are human now!

I don't believe it! He's even cute!

I know! Bitchin', huh?

Val, you won't believe this. Okay...

Surprise!

Is that Zeebo?

Oh, my God! You're, like, totally black!

Okay... and...

behind door number three...

this is the ultimate!

You're incredible.

Well, it was easy. You know, I started on poodles.

- Good? - Real good.

Okay, okay. Group picture. Come on.

Come on. Get down there.

All right...

now say, Velveeta Slices.

Okay, you guys, what's the plan for tonight?

Whoa! Candy, reality check.

We can't go out with these guys. They're aliens.

So? They can still be dates!

Do you guys have Margaritas on your planet?

Candy, it's just not safe. I'll give you a lift home and that's it.

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

We're with three major cute guys and it's Saturday night! Come on!

You guys are so lucky you crashed in the Valley.

I mean, it's the baddest place on earth.

Candy, sit down!

Hi, sweets.

I think we'd like to keep a low profile, Candy.

Guys, whatcha doing later?

You know, I never would have believed that this could happen.

What, that you'd be cruising the boulevard with shaved Martians?

No. That Ted would do this to me.

Men, boy. Give 'em enough rope and they'll dig their own grave.

- So true. - He said he wanted one last fling.

Maybe that's normal, I don't know.

I'm sure we'll be happy once we're married,

but I just can't pretend like this didn't happen, you know?

Valerie, you work so hard to make Ted happy.

Who is making you happy?

Finland babes!

Hey, didn't you go to Van Nuys High?

Van Nuys High?

- Aren't you Terry Harper's brother? - Terry Harper's brother?

Someone oughta hose those girls down.

- Wanna party? - Wanna party?

Yeah, come on!

Wiploc!

Wiploc!

Look! There they are!

Okay, don't worry. I'll go get him.

- Me, too. - Me, too, too.

Wait, I don't think we all should go.

It's only gonna take a minute.

Come on, you guys, what are you doing?

Where did you buy those?

- They're my dad's. - Those are fabulous.

I know.

Valerie! Hi! Over here!

- Candy! - Hi!

Are you nuts? What are you doing?

Having cocktails.

Alaskan polar bear heater.

Candy, give me a break.

Ted is coming home tonight and there's a UFO in my pool. A UFO!

B.F.D. Ted's not gonna be there for a few hours.

- Just chill out, Val. - We have to get these guys out of here

before anyone figures out they're aliens.

No one's going to know they're aliens, okay?

Tonya!

Hi. You know Val.

- And this is Mac, Wiploc, and Zeebo. - Hi.

They're from Mars or something! Could you die?

Hey, Zeebo, wanna dance?

- Wanna dance? - Great idea.

Wiploc.

- Should I dance? - Sure.

Fine. Hey, party down.

When you're ready for your chauffeur, I'll be out on the patio.

What's her problem?

Two weeks?

Come on. Let's dance.

He left?

You, go rest your thumbs. I'll drive.

You can actually play that?

Valerie, are we limp and hard to manage?

Oh, no, no. You're fine.

I'm sorry. I just don't feel like talking much.

I guess I figured that everything would just fall into place

- if I found Mr. Right. - Mr. Right?

Yeah.

Mr. Right is like the guy you dream of meeting

ever since you're a little girl.

And you'd go anyplace or do anything to be together.

And he feels the same way about you because you're right for each other.

I don't know. Maybe I'm kidding myself.

Maybe there's no such thing.

- Hey, baby. - Hi.

Why be with a zero when you can dance with a hero?

Yo, baby. Why be with a hero when you can dance with a zero?

- Hey, hey, hey! - Back off, Jack!

The lucky lady's with me, all right?

And don't be copping my dance moves.

I'll dance with you both. I don't care.

No, no, no. You don't understand. He can't dance.

All right. I know he can't do this.

Yeah, go!

Come on, man.

Hot damn! Hot damn!

All right! Hey!

Damn!

- I'm going home with him. - I'm going home with him.

I'm going home with him.

Bitch.

You know, I don't even know what planet you're from.

Jhazalla.

We've only been as far as the Moon.

You know, at first,

I thought you kind of looked like a giant Bigfoot or something,

but now, I mean, if I didn't know that you were an alien,

I would just think that you were a really cute guy...

who, I'm sure, has a girlfriend.

No Mr. Right girlfriend.

My God, that's Wiploc.

All right! All right!

Give me your autograph on my forehead.

Sign these.

I can't believe you're frenching an alien in front of all these people.

We go, okay? Come on. Wiploc.

No, I want to be zero. I want to be zero.

No, no, no.

Candy, I'll call ya.

- What was it like? - Oh, my God! You're so lucky!

Did you get his number?

I want his baby.

Sweetheart? Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

Val?

Honey?

Hey, Val?

What? Oh, wait a second.

They said the Commodore would stand up to anything.

Beemer? Beemer?

Beemer.

Aston, where's Martin?

Where's Martin? Where's Val? All right, don't panic.

She probably wasn't here when it happened.

Operator, give me the police. It's an emergency.

Police? This is Dr. Gallagher.

I'd like to report a break-in

and... and a possible kidnapping.

Oh, God. Ted's here.

You guys, act human, okay?

Just act human.

Sweetheart, you're all right.

I was so worried about you.

When I came home, the house was totally wrecked.

- Who are they? - Who? Those guys?

- Yeah. - A band.

Boy, I'm totally clear.

- What's up, Doc? - You mean like a rock 'n' roll band?

What are you doing with a band, Val?

I won them on MTV.

I won an MTV weekend with a band.

Hi. I am Mac.

How is it hanging, Mr. Dude?

- Dr. Dude. - Dr. Dude.

No, Val. Wait a minute.

Listen, I came home to talk to you alone.

I'm sorry, fellas. This is private.

I'm sure you won't mind when I ask you to leave.

Leave? No, no, they can't leave. They're spending the weekend.

No, no, Val. They can't spend the weekend.

This is my house. I say they're out of here.

Your house? Wait, wait. I think I threw you out, Dr. Love.

Yeah? Well, now I'm gonna throw them out.

- So what do you think of that? - No, you're not.

- Yes, I am. They're out of... - No.

- I won them. I get to... - What?

- You're tearing me apart! - Val, these guys are too weird.

You have no business being with people like that.

Listen, I never won a band before and I get them for the whole weekend,

so they're staying.

I want you to be happy. That's fine, but...

- Dr. Dude? - What is it now?

- For you is good. - You animal!

I oughta give you a tracheotomy. Do you know who that was?

- That was Mercedes. - No, Ted, don't!

My most expensive fish! Do you know how much Mercedes cost me?

- He cost me 300 bucks! - Hey, what's going on here?

All right, all right. Break it up.

- Hey, hey! Come on! - Break it up.

- What are you doing? - Who's Dr. Gallagher?

- I'm Dr. Gallagher. - Uh-huh. I'm Officer Demonte.

This is Officer Murphy.

You reported a break-in and possible kidnapping?

Yes, I did, officer, but, thank God, she's here now and she's fine.

However, these degenerates broke into my home

and destroyed my property and I want them arrested right now.

- They're MTV scum! - All right.

Ma'am, you mind telling us what's really going on here?

Officer, sir,

this man does not live here anymore, and he's strangling my guests.

- He was eating my Blue-Gilled Dorky. - Hey, watch your mouth!

10-13. We got a false report.

Just a domestic dispute.

His girlfriend dumped him for a rock band.

- That's bullshit! - Hey, buddy.

Maybe you need to go someplace and cool off, huh?

Let go of me! I'm a doctor!

Good, if we have to bust your arm, you can put on your own cast.

You're right, Val. There is a lot I don't know about you,

but if you thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you

and your weird friends and that psychotic cat of yours, you're crazy!

- The wedding's off, Val! - Come on, buddy.

You wanna dance with a zero?

I'm sorry.

I think I have to go to my room now.

Is Ted coming back?

No. Ted doesn't wanna come back.

I don't know what Ted wants, but it's not me.

What does Valerie want?

I don't know. I just wanna be happy.

Mac could make Valerie happy.

Thanks, but I don't think anybody could make me feel very good right now.

Mac could make Valerie feel very, very good.

Wait a minute. Are you, like, coming on to me?

Is this a pass? Because, I mean, if it is,

sex is, like, totally out of the question.

What is sex?

Sex... you know, making love.

A man and a woman like each other, and they take their clothes off, and...

- Okay. - Well, no, no, no!

We can't. No, because, I mean, me and Ted are...

well, I guess we're not, but, I mean...

we can't because, I mean, you're an alien, and I'm from the Valley.

We may not even be, you know, anatomically correct for each other.

That could be a real problem.

No problem. But, I mean, no, no, no.

I mean, it just wouldn't work.

I mean, you're from out of town. The phone bills would just be hell...

Well, I just don't want you to think

- Earth girls are easy. - What is easy?

This is easy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- I told you not to have fun. - I wasn't.

Help!

Ted!

Help!

Don't go anywhere. I've been paged.

- Oh, sweetheart. - Ted.

- Ted, make it stop. - Oh, hey.

Ted.

What happened to my fish?

Ted!

Beemer!

Your face! What happened?

Don't!

Stop. Stop it, stop it!

Hi.

Hi.

God, I had the weirdest dream last night.

All I remember is...

You have the strangest heartbeat.

Sounds like you have two hearts.

Yes. Don't you?

No, I just have one.

Tell me about Zimbabwe.

- Jhazalla? - Jhazalla. Is it like Earth?

Yes. It's beautiful.

Sounds neat.

- Is driving a UFO a good job? - Oh, yes.

Do you own your own home or do you rent?

No water. Come look.

Hi, guys.

Hope instant decaf is okay.

Breakfast is on the way. I'm making pancakes from scratch.

Yeah. Valerie, uh...

we can go home now.

Gee, that's great.

- I didn't think it would be so soon. - Yeah.

That's, that's really good.

Yeah. Valerie...

Well, I better go get that.

Pool man!

Hey, dudes, what's happening?

- Woody. - Woody.

What is this?

- A spaceship? - Spaceship?

- No way, Jose, Woody. - No.

- What is it, then? - A car.

Oh! That's why she wanted me to drain it.

She drove her car into the pool. I'm always doing that.

Pretty rad car, though. Where is it made?

Finland.

- Finland. - Finland.

Oh, I heard of that.

Ted, bringing that girl here was inexcusable,

but now that I've slept on it,

I could probably forgive you, but what about calling off the wedding?

Sweetheart, I didn't mean that.

Marrying you is the most important thing in the world right now.

I need you to take care of me.

And I promise, I won't so much as look at another woman, so long as I live.

Well, unless, of course, I'm giving her a physical examination.

Well, I hope not.

A relationship is a lot like a porcelain nail, Ted.

You can break it and you can glue it back together,

but it's not gonna be as strong as it was

unless the person is really committed and not bringing home nurses.

Whoa, you should've seen me today, man.

Nothing but radical rips all the way in.

You want some slushy?

Yeah, I was barely off my board and the wahines are all over me.

Wahines!

Wahines. You know, girls?

- Girls? - You know girls?

Does the Woodburger know girls?

Pinocchio got a wooden butt?

I could fix you up with some bodacious chicks just like that.

- Don't believe me? - Like that.

Come on. Let's hit the beach. Ride the wild bikinis!

- We go get Candy? - Yeah.

Candy, gum, beer nuts, anything you want.

Twizzlers. I got some Milk Duds.

You oughta lay off coffee, though, man. It'll kill you in a day.

I know where I'm gonna take you. I'm gonna take you to Zuma Beach.

I need surprises. I need romance.

I mean, how long has it been since you said I love you, I need you,

I'm crazy about you?

Well, Ted?

Come on, get in the car, will you?

Wiploc. Zeebo.

Zeebo going to Zuma Beach!

Zeebo! Wiploc!

Hey, dudes. I just remembered something.

What was it? Oh, yeah.

At the beach today, they're having a blonde-of-the-month contest.

Blonde?

Yeah, you know, blonde beach bunnies. California's finest.

Because I'm blonde, I don't have to think

I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks

Don't have to worry about getting a man

If I keep this blonde and I keep these tanned

'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

I see people working, it just makes me giggle

'Cause I don't have to work, I just have to jiggle

'Cause I'm blonde, B-L-O-N-D-E

'Cause I'm a blonde, don't you wish you were me?

I never learned to read and I never learned to cook

Why should I bother when I look like I look?

I know lots of people are smarter than me

But I have this philosophy-.. So what?

'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

I see girls without dates and I feel so sorry for them

'Cause whenever I'm around all the men ignore them

'Cause I'm blonde, nyah, nyah, nyah

'Cause I'm a blonde, nyah, nyah, nyah

They say to make it you need talent and ambition

Well, I got a TV show and this was my audition

Okay, what was it? Okay, don't tell me.

Oh, yeah, okay. "Duck, Magnum, duck!"

'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

I took an IQ test, and I flunked it, of course

I can't spell "VW," but I got a Porsche

'Cause I'm a blonde, B-L-O-N-D-E

'Cause I'm a blonde, don't you wish you were me?

I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August

is, like, a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can.

Right now, I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA.

But my goal is to become a veterinarian 'cause I love children.

'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause we're a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

Girls think I'm snotty and maybe it's true

With my hair and body, you would be too

'Cause I'm a blonde, B-L... I don't know

'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yes, I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, dudes.

Dudes, come on. Snap out of it.

- We're making a pit stop. - Pit stop?

Hello, Opie.

Bryan, come on over here!

Will you get in this car right now?

Mom, he's got my gun!

How many times have I told you not to tell fibs like that!

Hey, leave home, kid!

Hey, dudes! Listen. Since I'm springing for the gas,

why don't you go pick up some brews and some sandwich stuff?

Some brews and some sandwich stuff.

Yeah, you know, like, bread and junk. Okay, dudes?

Okay, dude.

Bread and junk.

- Give us bread. - We need junk.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot, I just work here. I'm an American.

There. Take it. Take it all.

- Where is Candy? - Candy? Oh!

Right here. Take as much as you want.

- Thank you. - Thank you too much.

Hey, troops! Had to drain the lizard!

Be right with you.

Hey, what do I owe you, dude?

- Get down! - What?

Get down!

I was just held up. They're still out there. They got guns!

Guns? My buddies are out there.

- Where are they, man? - In that green pile of junk.

Excuse me. Could you back up?

I need to get some unleaded.

- Back up. Back up. - Back up. Back up.

- That's my wagon! - Back up.

We are party Martians! We are MTV scum!

Hey! That looks great!

Hey, guys! Brunch is ready. Come and get it.

Hey, Valerie. It's Woody. What's shaking?

- Hi, Woody. - Listen, you know your friends...

those Finland guys?

- I was taking them to the beach... - What? They're gone? They're with you?

No. They were. I guess they kind of robbed the mini mart when I wasn't lookin',

and then they totaled the gas station and then they ripped off my van!

- It was a trip. - I don't believe this! Where are you?

I'm at the mini mart down the street.

- Toys 'R' Us. - That's it?

Yeah.

- Have you seen Zeebo and Wiploc? - I got water in this one, man.

I can't hear ya.

I think that might be one of them now.

- Are you sure? - Not really.

Good enough for me.

So look...

What's going on? Woody!

What's happening?

I gotta go now, Valerie. I'm gettin' my butt kicked.

Woody!

Hey!

Wiploc!

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Hey.

Jail isn't so bad. It's where I learned how to surf.

He's dead meat. You hang 10 now.

Come on, you guys. You've gotta believe me.

- This is all a misunderstanding. - Sorry, lady.

- Well, arrest me, too, then. - Yeah, arrest her.

- She's a nice lady. - Stay out of this, flipper.

We can't. You didn't do anything.

- Hey, lady! Don't do that! - Yeah, go for it!

This Paramedic unit 104. We picked up two victims at Donut Land.

They fit the description of the suspects in the mini mart robbery.

We're taking them to Our Lady of the Valley Hospital.

10-13. Copy.

That's Ted's hospital.

We have to get there before anybody finds out who they are.

Joe, take us to hospital, please.

Hey, clown, you're going to the slammer.

We go to slammer first.

Listen, give them that love touch and then they'll come on to me.

They'll be putty in my hands.

You want sex with Joe and Mike?

No, no. Just so we can get away. Do it, do it. You'll see.

Hey!

How about those Lakers, huh?

What about those incredible eyes of yours?

What?

They're just this far from Liz Taylor violet.

Oh, Michael!

Joseph.

Two new patients in emergency... Dr. Love.

Well, bye, you guys. Thanks for the lift.

- I hope things work out. - Bye.

- Happy house hunting. - Ciao.

Thank you very much.

- They're such a nice couple. - I know.

- They really are. - Let's go shake somebody down.

Bye.

Totally cool tube.

Ridin' cool rips all the way in.

Great, you two.

- Hi, Dr. Dude. - All right, boys.

- The party's over. Settle down. - Take us to Valerie's house, please.

We'd like to go to Valerie's house.

You're not setting foot in my house again. Just lie down.

Excuse me. We're looking for two patients who were just admitted.

That's kind of a nasty bump.

Does this hurt when I do this?

Good.

Let's just have a listen here, shall we?

- Surf's up. Surf's up. - Leave it alone.

Breathe.

Again.

Wait a second. Breathe.

Breathe, breathe.

It's incredible.

It's amazing.

You each have two heartbeats.

Wiploc and Zeebo?

What are their last names?

They don't have last names.

They're performers, you know, like Cher.

Yes. They're in the emergency room being examined by Dr. Gallagher.

He'll dissect them.

You can't go in there. Medical personnel only.

We've got to get in there.

I have an idea,

but it means doing something terrible to an innocent person.

Let's do it.

- Which floor? - Two, please.

I think I'm gonna enjoy this.

Feel this? It's a gun.

- What are you doing? What? - Shut up and start walking.

Come on. Come in here.

- Help. She's got a gun. - Take off your uniform.

- What? - Take it off! Quick!

- I know you. You're Ted's girlfriend. - Strip.

Look. I don't want any part of you or Ted or your kinky sex trips.

- I said strip! - She said strip.

The call button. Push the call button.

You'll go to prison for this.

- Excuse me. - For molesting me, for having a gun...

Well, I don't have a real gun.

- Your heart... - Excuse me, Doctor.

This doctor's here to pick up these patients.

Oh, no, no, no, no. These guys aren't going anywhere.

I'm admitting them both for observation under my care.

They seem okay to me, Doctor.

Nurse, why don't you listen to their hearts

and tell me what you hear?

Cover of Time Magazine

Man of the year

Yes, I'll be rich and famous, money, money, money, money.

I'll be on The Today Show.

- Shh, Zeebo, it's me. - Invitation to the White House.

He sounds perfectly normal to me, Doctor.

Oh, no, no. That's impossible.

They each have two distinct heartbeats.

Try me, Doctor.

Yes. Yes, I could try you.

Oh, my God! You, too.

It's my beeper!

No, no, no. My beeper's never done this before.

- Could you get the phone, Doctor? - What phone, doctor?

Hello?

Doctor, I'm afraid you must be hearing things.

Is there something wrong, Doctor?

Hello, Doctor. Should I call you a doctor, Doctor?

No! Please, just make it stop!

I can't stand it.

You guys, you came this close to being a science project.

Come on.

Ted's car! Follow me.

Quick! Get in quick!

Oh, God! Here comes Ted!

Hide! Get down and hide.

Valerie? Sweetheart, I'm so glad to see you.

Can we go home? These last two days have been hell.

It's affecting my work.

Sweetheart, I actually think I've been hearing things.

- No. - Val, could you drive?

- Please, Valerie. - Okay, Ted. Here.

- Get in, honey. - I'm so exhausted.

You know, I thought a lot about what you said

and I've decided to do something impulsive.

Let's go to Vegas tonight and get married.

Tonight?

Well, wait a minute. What about the church and my dress and everything?

We can do the big church wedding later. Just like you planned.

Well, what do you say?

Well, I don't know. I'm just so surprised.

Come on. You wanted surprises.

Ted.

You gotta bring that one-piece night thing,

that corset that looks like underwear.

What is it now? Something old...

These pantyhose are old.

Something new.

This veil is new.

Dr. Tushman, please.

Barbara, Ted here.

Listen, I need a really big favor.

I want you to cover my shift at the hospital tomorrow.

I'm going to Vegas.

Well, I'm gonna lose a little money, take in a show, and get married.

Barbara. Barbara.

Look, just because I'm getting married doesn't mean we can't date, all right?

What?

Valerie.

- Good-bye. - Bye.

Nice planet you have here. Give Tonya my number.

Take care, Zeebo.

Wiploc. I think I'll miss you least of all.

You got lip lock for Wiploc?

Valerie...

I don't know the words.

Mac.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

I'll miss you, too.

Sweetheart, I booked the Caveman Suite at Cupid's Lodge.

What the hell is this?!

Okay, Ted, they're not a band.

- They're from another planet. - What?

Go back in the house. I'll be in in a second.

Oh, my God! They're aliens.

Aliens! All right, Val. I got you covered.

- It's okay. Ted. Ted. - Back!

It's okay.

You're contaminated.

- I... I have to go now. - Ted!

- I'll call the police. - Ted, come on.

- I gotta go. - Stop it.

Good-bye, Valerie.

Mac! It didn't work!

Mac! I have to tell you something.

I love you! Take me with you!

- To Jhazalla? - Anyplace!

I am Mr. Right?

Yes! Yes!

Well... good-bye, Ted.

I guess it wasn't meant to be, but I really want to thank you for...

thanks for the...

Good-bye, Ted.

Mac!

Mac!

Wait, you guys! You can't leave without margaritas!

Valerie, what are you doing?

Good-bye, Candy. I'll miss you.

Well, good luck, Val. Call me.

Happy trails.

Bambi, I never knew.

Wait!

Hey!

Give my love to Finland!