Original subtitles

In, uh, in St. Helm for the Bicentennial, are you?

Yeah. Everybody thinks they, uh, know their history.

Not as well as I do.

I was there in, uh, 76.

Yeah.

1776.

Yeah.

Don't believe me, do you?

Yeah.

I sure was.

And who the best of them?

Washington?

Jefferson?

Eklund?

Revere?

I saw America get born.

Yeah.

You know,

You a thing or two about the revolution.

Huh?

Come with me.

Look at that ocean out there.

Them pretty boats.

If I look at them much longer, I'm going to throw up all over myself.

Never could stand the ocean.

Oh, God, my feet are killing me.

History books only.

Give you half of it.

Washington, Jefferson, all of them great men.

I knew them all.

Yeah.

We had some great times.

Right here in New England.

Yeah.

Have you...

Look here and listen.

I'll tell you what really happened.

I can tell you all about the real Spirit of 76.

Martha, come here. I must talk to you.

Well, General Washington.

It was a wonder to see you walking after last night.

Oh, it was nice, was it not?

But a new day has dawned. Look, we have a wee bit of time before I engage the

British. How about a little...

George, I have no bloody time for a roll in the hay.

The chickens must be fed.

The cows must be milked.

And I have to make tea for the quilting bee.

And I have a twitch that must be itched.

We're not going to squabble, are we?

Well... Okay, fine. It's settled then.

Over by the cherry tree in the orchard. Five minutes.

Which cherry tree?

I'm glad you asked me that.

beyond the spacious skies, right at the amber waves of grain, east of the purple

mountain's majesty, and right at the fruited plains. You can't miss it.

The war could be better won were it fought in bed.

George? Oh, yes.

Martha, Martha, look.

I've made the cover of Time magazine. A bit of a celebrity I am, huh?

Yes.

Terrific.

Look, George.

I've only got a few moments to waste on this foolishness.

Let's get on with that twitch of yours, huh?

Okay.

This is time to see to the needs of our country, huh?

Yes.

What'd I tell you?

Yep. Old George was a hell of a guy.

Well, come on.

There's some other people I want you to meet.

Paul Revere. Now there's a nutcase for you, riding through the city, waking

everybody and his brother up.

He was a hell of a guy, though.

Look at that statue they gave him. It's pretty nice, huh?

It's a shame it's got 200 years of pigeon shit all over it. He used to love

drink and fuck around.

Why, there's a guy who loved his women.

Any time, any place.

He had a signal which he hung in the north church back there to tell his

girlfriend where to meet him.

One if by land and two if by sea.

You might think that was a warning about the British.

Bullshit. It was a signal for his girlfriend to meet him in the woods or

harbor.

Oh, Paul Revere. You ain't no gentleman. You ain't always trying to play with me

buns, you are.

Yes, because you have such lovely buns.

You can't tell so much outside, Miss Kirk, can you?

No, but I'm a connoisseur, and I know good buns when I see them, be they under

wraps or not. Oh, how lovely, Wolf. It is pretty, isn't it? But

not half as pretty as you.

Oh!

Oh, by the way.

Oh! Oh, walk over me so that I might catch a quick glimpse of your ass.

Oh!

Oh, Wolf.

Oh!

Good, that was.

I should play together.

I think I've got some twigs in me britches.

Let's go over to my place and finish it off.

I'd love to finish it off with you.

It's right over the next hill.

Over the rise?

Washington should see us now. He's probably out playing catch the red coat,

buffoon.

Oh, I don't know. I think it's rather nice.

But his wooden teeth, they give me splinters.

Splinters? I'll have to be careful.

Oh, fear not. I will accommodate thee well.

Let us tarry no longer. The evening grows short.

And that fool John Hancock's coming over for a late dinner.

Oh, you wouldn't enjoy John. The only thing big about him is his signature.

Oh, you're just jealous.

Not on your life. I'm a bigger man than any of those revolutionaries.

We'll see about that.

Oh.

Midnight ride, what a crazy night I've had.

Midnight ride, gonna raise the countryside.

There'll be a little moon in my life. Be too if

anything to see.

But for now it's just you and me.

Midnight ride, what a lovely night I've spent.

Midnight ride, with my lady by my side.

We'll make love.

Midnight ride, tonight's sweet lullaby.

Till it's time for me to fly.

Yes, it feels good. It feels very good.

Just don't stop.

Put it in my...

Are you good?

We'll see you next

time.

Midnight ride, what a lovely night I've had.

Midnight ride, with my lady by my side. We'll make love.

Midnight ride, tonight's sweet love ride.

Till it's time for me to fly on this midnight ride.

Hmm.

Amy. Oh,

Boston.

The birthplace of Ben Franklin, the inventor.

He could invent anything.

This wacko got his nuts off flying kites. While we're out fighting a war,

out playing with himself.

Degenerate bastard.

Crazy Ben, a crazy old Ben, don't you know

you're gonna win?

Crazy

Ben,

you know you're gonna win, you're gonna win.

Excuse me, are you the very famous Dr.

Ben Franklin?

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. Oh, yes, indeed I am.

Oh, dear kind sir, you must help me.

And what can I do for thee, my child?

It's complicated.

General Washington told me only you could solve my problem.

He did?

He did?

Not only did he say that you were indeed the finest inventor in the colonies,

but also its resident lecher.

He did?

Oh, nice.

Well, tell me, my child, what is it I can do for thee?

Well, tis me crumpets.

Thy crumpets?

Me crumpets. Oh, well, me little wench, what is wrong with thy crumpets?

My lovers have all tried their best.

But I can't get me crumpets off.

Ah, thee has come to the right person.

I have?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Then you can help me?

Yes,

my latest invention.

Here, hold my kite.

Let's see, it must be here someplace. I know I had it with me when I came.

Oh, my.

Let's see. Maybe it's in this pocket here.

Of course, that's not it.

Now, silly of me.

Let's see. I may have put it in here, though.

Oh, no. That's tipsy stomach, you know.

Let's see now. I know I've got it here somewhere. Oh, my, my, my. Let's see. I

hope the cat didn't have it. Let's see. Somewhere.

Oh, yes.

Here it is, my child.

Go ahead and take a little nibble. It'll be all right.

Pray tell, good doctor.

What have you there?

It is a crumpet stuffer.

It's interesting.

What does they do with it?

I stuff it and I crumpet. In and out, in and out.

To tell you the truth, Dr. Franklin, I think he's strange.

Here,

let me show thee.

Lift thy skirt.

Oh, my, my, such pretty legs.

Yes. And, oh, my, such a pretty beaver. I think we'll make that the symbol of

Oregon someday.

Round and round the little crumpet stuffer goes.

Round and round and round.

Oh, my, my, my.

And now we wind the string of the kite. Let's see. Here it is now. Wind it round

and round the little crumpet stuffer.

You see?

There we go.

Maybe.

Oh, my God.

Uh -huh.

Oh, my

God.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, here I am out in the water again.

Oh, God, if I throw up one more time on my undershirt, oh, well.

My pappy used to hang out around here with a guy named John Garbanzo.

You know him as John Smith.

So does a local holiday inn.

He used to fuck around on his wife a lot.

John Smith.

Can you believe a fucking name like that?

Now, here was a guy who was really into Indian broads.

Now, one day he was riding through the woods with a half a heart on, looking

somewhere to put it, when he spied a great set of tits riding through the

forest. He wanted his women like his coffee, hot and black.

You generous bastard.

Me,

Captain John Smith.

Thou? Pocahontas.

Boy.

They all got great tits.

I'd give a year's pay to fuck.

Nah, you talking the kind of trash I like to hear my man.

What say thee?

You know what I'm talking, spaghetti bender. I ain't talking no pasta and

berries, though.

You want to pack my crack? You boot me some loose, zoot suit.

That was understood every word I'd said. Every syllable? Mm -hmm. Are you sure

you're an Indian?

Hey, don't blow my cover. I'm a Manhattan Indian up from 42nd Street.

Hey, wait a minute now.

We've got to talk a little business first.

Anything. Just anything.

If you had hemorrhoids as long as I've had them, you'd know what a pain in the

ass really is.

Oh, looky there.

Well, the population hasn't changed since I was a kid.

That's weird.

Oh, well.

Come on.

This is the bridge that the Minutemen used to cross to meet their wenches.

You know, I knew three of them personally.

The one who were in that famous picture you've all seen.

These were some fun -loving guys.

Always out for a good time.

You know, you probably all wondered how the Minutemen really got their name.

Well, let me show you.

Quite fine out here.

Oh, it's a nice day in May. Why don't you leave it up, fellas?

Ha, ha, ha. Nice job.

Nice job. Listen, you guys.

This is what?

We got a box.

Goddamn fools.

Play a little. What do you say? You want to hear some? Play a little. Play a

little. Play a little. Play a little. Play a little. Play a little. Play a

little.

Stay there.

Well, now, what say you young ladies come have a yard of ale with us here

fighting boys?

Fighting boys, my ass. Only fighting even you is with your own self. Oh,

cock, puppy cock.

You girls been missing out on lots of fun, haven't they, boys?

It's been a long time since you met studs like us.

Hey, soldier boy, I like your style.

What say we get together over the old barn on the...

Don't waste your time there, brother. These here girls are going to stand us

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Zeb, let's go on over to that there cat house and screw those

little witches over there. What do you say, huh? Hey, hold on, boys.

Zeke has business to take care of.

Now, let's say about nine,

by the by.

What's the address?

Hey, what's that?

Oh, just my Pulsar digital.

Hourglass.

Father picked it up for me in Cartier's of Mercantile.

Now aren't you very hip?

Don't you be worrying about the address.

You boys is horny enough to smell us out.

See you about nine.

Your sister knows what she's about.

I don't know. Mom always said you were the crazy one, and I think she was

Well, if you're going to be such a prude about it, you can go over there in the

corner and watch.

Watch what?

I can take on all three of those guys and still have enough left over for the

Continental Army.

God, you're crude.

You sure are a sweet little thing, aren't you? When was the last time

got into your little paddy?

What's that supposed to mean?

It's been such a long day.

Why isn't it a long day?

It's been...

It's been such a long day.

Why is it a long day?

It's been such a long day.

Why ain't nothing wrong?

You think you can make it?

We can make it, sweetheart.

You don't worry about that.

Woo!

Woo! Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo!

Woo And your coxswain have arrived.

Is that all there is? Three of you?

This won't take long. You can wait back there.

You're going to miss the best lay you ever had, Lassie. Oh, let her go,

We can fuck this here wench.

Right. A haul is a haul.

Come here, Lassie.

I'd like to dip my stick a wee bit.

You're a sweet -talking bastard, aren't you?

Well, gentlemen.

What'll it be? One at a time or all together?

Well, Wedge, your sister takes notes.

Now we'll see if you can take on the lot. Right.

And if she can't, there's a cat house right around the corner.

You've got your nerve.

Thank you.

the winches. Bring on the rum and the air.

Ho, ho, bring on the winches, bring on the rum and the ale.

Ho, ho, bring on the winches, tomorrow we fight in the

dale.

George Washington, you think you got troubles? This poor devil was married to

real schizo degenerate bastard.

Martha, is there any ale in the cupboard?

Ale?

The seamstress with the mostest.

Martha, really, do we have to go through this Betsy Ross thing again?

You remember what Dr.

Tucker told you?

He said, Martha, you're not Betsy Ross.

You're Martha Washington.

Now look, you've got to stop this. You're driving your old man free to us.

Dr. Tucker?

Who'd be Dr.

Tucker?

Forget it, forget it.

What? What sow thee there?

I sowest a flag.

Is it not beautiful?

Do you not like it?

I don't know whether to wear it or to wave it.

Look, let's forget about the flag, Betsy. I mean, Martha.

Look, I've got something else I'd like to raise to full mast.

Do you never get enough?

What about the British?

Screw the British. Let them get their own wenches.

Well, then what about Martha?

Will she not be pissed at thee?

If you won't tell her, I won't.

Ah, George, you are a clever lad.

And with all those children running around looking like you, you're a cinch

be named father of our country.

And now I ought to buck some laughs, Betsy.

Yes.

Oh, we must not tarry. We've got to be down to the Delaware this evening.

If I don't leave soon, they won't leave a seat for me.

Rob,

you should make haste then and not waste these precious moments.

Hmm.

Ah!

Is that the way you like it?

Oh, yeah.

That's what they all say.

Talk dirty to me, Martha.

Oh, Betsy.

Oh, Martha.

Oh, Betsy. I mean, Martha.

Oh, Betsy.

Oh, the hell.

This here is my ex -wife.

I really love that one.

Degenerate bastard.

And over there, that's my ex -wife too.

She died of the consumption.

And that ex -wife died when I caught her in bed with Paul Revere.

Degenerate bastard.

This here is my ex -wife.

Boy, could she... Well, that's another story.

Degenerate bastard.

This here is my ex -wife.

Oh, what I remember about her.

Degenerate prevert.

There's my cousin Timmy.

He liked small boys.

We had to shoot him.

Degenerate bastard.

Right over there is my brother.

Tom. Tom broke a leg at the age of 103, leaping out of a second -story

window.

Degenerate bastard.

The producers of Spirit of 76 wish to express their gratitude to the founding

fathers of this great nation, without whose vision this motion picture could

have been made.

The Constitution's First Amendment legally and morally grants to all of us

right of free speech and expression, freedoms too precious to be censored,

rights too important to be denied.

In this, our nation's bicentennial.

Let us not lose sight of one thing.

Censorship should be today what it was for those men of 1776, an unthinkable

tyranny for free men everywhere to endure.

It is because of these great Americans, and not to spite them, we are truly

proud to have brought you our Spirit of 1776.

That's the way it was 200 years ago.

Just before it all turned to shit.

Yeah.