Original subtitles

Back in the day, a lot could be said about my crazy family.

The one thing that couldn't be denied

was that we were bad drivers.

But, despite the highway havoc that we wreaked

and the fender benders that followed us wherever we went,

no one was more psyched to get behind the wheel

than my brother, Barry.

When he turned 16,

couldn't wait to hit the open road

and never look back.

It's jingling.

It's keys!

Until my mom put the brakes

on his automotive dreams.

What the hell is this?

It's a locket.

It's got my picture inside

so you can always have your mother near your heart.

And so, when I turned 16,

my mom's gift to me was hardly a surprise.

- It's jingling. - Jingling means keys.

It was the sterling-silver Mom locket

that all the Goldberg boys got.

I put my picture in there

so you can always have your mama near your heart.

Yes! He got the worst gift, too.

I love it. Thank you, Mama.

Wait. That's your reaction?

You get a garbage locket of Mom instead of a car,

and you appreciate it?

Yeah, I'm good with not getting a car.

Or driving in general. You get it.

No!

I don't get it at all!

I've got no sense of direction,

I have bad depth perception due to my lazy eye,

and I'm easily startled by birds.

So you're just not gonna drive?

Yeah, I'm not so much a driver

as the guy who sits behind the driver in the backseat.

- You mean a rich guy? - Exactly.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have play practice.

Father, go fetch your driving pants,

which are just regular pants you refuse to wear.

Refusing to drive baffled my whole family,

but no one more than Barry.

Back when he got his license,

the dude trademarked his own dance.

♪ Yeah, that's right ♪

♪ Barry's driving ♪

♪ Who's in charge? ♪

♪ I'm in charge ♪

♪ That's right, uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

Unreal. I raised a moron.

But, lucky for me,

I got the perfect birthday present that year,

the gift of never driving.

Stop it. My scrumptious little baby-man

does not have to learn to drive until he's absolutely ready.

That's a no! Victory-dance time!

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ Uh-uh-uh-uh, yeah ♪

♪ That's right, I'm not driving ♪

Hey! Stop copying my driving dance!

I'm not. It's the not-driving dance.

There's no such thing!

I'm raising complete morons.

It's getting hard to argue.

- It's like this. - No, it's like this.

If you're gonna copy me, at least do it the right way.

It's my own thing, dude. Face it, this dance is mine.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was November 29, 1980-something.

The college fair was in full swing,

and my sister wanted no part of it.

Ugh, look at all these bozos

and their lame clubs.

The whole point of going to college

is to be left alone.

I thought it was more, like, to learn and grow

and make lifelong friendships.

Meh. I've got enough friends.

Do you?

Hey, either of you

interested in Ultimate Frisbee?

Are you interested in picking a sport with a ball?

Maybe you should join a club

for freshmen who hate everything.

Great. Where's that table?

Seriously,

you're a total downer.

You, like, pooh-pooh everything.

I don't, like, pooh-pooh everything.

Just offer me something cool, and I'm there.

Looking for something cool, eh?

Lucky for you,

your RA Srini

has the answer, ladies.

Karaoke and togas? Pass.

I see. Well, if you change your mind,

feel free to drop by and RSVP.

Here's my RSVP.

Pbht!

Guess that's an RSVP

for just one, then.

Wait, you're going? Why?

'Cause it sounds fun,

and, unlike you, I, like, like fun.

I, like, like fun, too!

You should've seen me in high school.

I was, like, the funnest.

Ow!

Hey, isn't there some weird field

that you can play in?

Hi, Craig.

Gah! Barry?!

Hey, I drank all your 5 Alive.

What are you doing here?

Hello?!

It's my college tour!

I told you like 10 times!

I knew that, silly.

I just lost track of the days

with all the awesome parties and whatnot.

There's so many parties.

Which are all totally real,

because I am killing it here.

Dude, this weekend is gonna be the stuff of legend!

So, where's the first rager at?

But Erica only knew of one,

that she already passed on.

Srini! Nice toga, my man!

I changed my mind about your kareoga thing.

Did you, now?

See, my brother's here,

and I kinda told him that I'm the queen of college,

so you can see why I now have a sudden interest

in your crappy party.

Just party. Not crappy.

That is the single worst RSVP ever.

And it's been declined.

What? You can't decline!

You're my RA. You have to include me.

Farewell.

So that's a yes?

As Erica was realizing she'd driven everyone away,

my dad was trying to get me to drive.

Hey! My "Burger Time"!

Okay, moron.

Lose the disturbing "Mom" necklace, take these keys.

I'm teaching you how to drive.

Ooooooh. I'd love to, but the ol' ball 'n' chain

says I'll learn when I'm ready, nomasayin'?

I say you're ready right now.

But what about all the horrible things

Mom says will happen if I don't drive good?

What horrible things?

I could get a stop sign through the heart!

Or a guard rail through the heart!

Or a mailbox through the heart!

Why are all these things going through your heart? That's not even possible.

Tell that to Mom's friend Sheila's nephew.

He was driving at dangerous speeds,

and he flipped his car and got a mailbox...

Okay, you gotta stop listening

to these crazy things your mom tells you.

So rabid pigeons won't peck my eyes out

through the sunroof?

What is it with you and birds anyway?!

They're just so cocky.

So what if they can fly? I can do stuff, too.

Like driving?

I bet you that would really make the birdies jealous.

Yeah, right. Like birds know what a car is.

Get in the car!

With that, my dad left me with no choice but to drive.

The only problem was, I'd have to get in the car first.

I-I can't do it.

You can and you will. Get in!

My son's a moron! Can't you see?

Go around!

He's a moron! Go around!

Mom said I don't have to drive!

- Well, I say you do. Get in. - No!

- Get in! - No!

- Get in! - No!

- Get in! - No!

- Get in! - No!

- Get in! - No!

- Get in! - No!

- Get in! - No!

- Get in! Get in! - No! No!

- Get in! - No!

- Get in! - No!

See, what'd I tell ya?

Nothing bad's gonna happen.

Aah!

Just remember, I was good with the locket.

As I drove for the last time,

Barry was gearing up for his first college rager.

So?!

Are we ready to rock or what?

Um, turns out that party is super lame,

but I'm gonna find us something super college-y

and great for us.

Say no more.

I'll ask around and find the fun.

What? How are you gonna do that?

With this here bag of college!

- Bag of wha'? - College!

In it is everything you need to kick ass here.

Jean shorts.

Tie-dye poncho.

Trick dog with leash.

Rasta hat.

Fake $100 bill,

attached to a quarter mile of string.

Foam hand.

Sacks to hacky.

Stunt kite.

Oyster crackers.

Unicycle!

A Snoopy snow-cone machine!

Boomerang!

Pogo stick.

Devil sticks.

Drum sticks.

Chopsticks.

Beef sticks.

Pickup sticks.

A stick I found.

Okay, stop.

This bag of crap will not help you.

Trust me, all you need to do is put yourself out there

to show the other attractive party-minded boys and girls

that you mean business.

Dude, that is not how college works.

That is, unless you have sweet dreads

and an invisible dog.

Check it out,

mons and lady mons.

My dog be jammin'!

Hey, uh, I already told you, put this crap away

before you embarrass yourself, or worse, me.

Look! His dog is invisible.

His name's Butterscotch.

He's part Beagle and part not real.

I rescued him from a kill shelter,

although I feel like he rescued me.

- Aww! - Aww!

Okay, what is happening?

Why are you engaging with this idiot?

Ignore her. She's not a dog person.

Clearly.

Oh, yeah, I'm the crazy one.

There is no dog.

Ow!

I know that was intentional!

As Erica was hit by my brother's instant success,

my mom was about to be struck by some bad news.

There's my handsome men.

I just snickered up a batch of doodles.

Should you tell her or should I?

Let me take this.

I was out teaching him how to drive.

The [bleep] you say?

Good for you, kiddo!

No, no. It was not so good.

As a matter of fact, it was worse

than any of us could have imagined.

I ruined the car!

He ruined the car?

- Not great. - Oh, my God.

Please tell me you made him wear a seatbelt.

Technically, I didn't get that far.

Doesn't matter. You always wear a seatbelt.

- Why? - Because of the road pirates.

What the hell are road pirates?

They're like sea pirates, but instead of other ships,

they plunder mid-sized sedans and hatchbacks.

That's right. Without a belt,

they'll just reach into the window

and yank you out of the car.

What are these words?!

What are you teaching him when I'm not around?

The good news is, I've officially decided

I'm not ready to drive this year.

Adam, you are my little cookie.

My scrumptious oatmeal-nibble man.

If you're not ready for the next three decades, so be it.

Your little cookie thanks you, Mama.

Here's a little crumb. Mwah.

Oh, I could just eat you up.

It's easy, 'cause I'm a soft-baked cookie.

Oh, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

Nom, nom, nom, nom!

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

- Oh... - Just go!

Nom, nom!

What the hell did you do, Murray?!

I finally agree with you.

That kid should never drive,

and he should stay your little baby forever.

No! Adam needs to drive!

Then what's with the cookie business?!

And the road pirates?

I spent the last five years scaring Adam with my stories

so he'd be a super terrified,

very cautious driver.

Now's the time for you to swoop in

and call him a moron until he learns to drive.

Wait, that's your plan?

Worked perfectly for Erica and Barry.

I don't know what went wrong here.

I have a theory.

Your stories didn't teach him to be cautious.

They just terrified a very gullible, anxious child.

No one wants your objective opinions based on facts, Dad.

We'll handle it, Al.

With that, my parents shut down my grandfather,

who went upstairs and bribed me to drive.

Okey dokey, it's happening.

We'll see you in a few hours.

What? Wh-Where are you going?

To take the kid out driving, just like we agreed.

Uh, no.

You had your diver's license taken away, remember?

So? Doesn't mean I can't still drive.

That's exactly what it means.

Wait, are you still driving?

Sure. How else do you think I get here every day?

The bus. You told us you took the bus.

Why would I do that? I got a car.

Did you know about this?

Of course. We have crazy adventures every week.

How do you think we get there?

Oh, my God, Dad!

It's not safe for you behind the wheel!

You crashed into a drive-through!

What crash? It was a nudge.

We both know it wasn't a nudge.

I nudged it.

In fact, I don't even think I touched it.

This is becoming a whole thing.

I'm gonna rain check,

but we can pick this up again in a few years.

No! No rain checks!

Your hero Pops is gonna teach you how to drive.

End of story!

Finally! Things are looking up.

But we're coming, too.

Nope! They sucked again.

It was Barry's first day at college, and people were noticing.

Turns out being overly confident

and unembarrassable

got him mocked in high school,

but in college, he quickly became the life of the party.

Gah! It's been three hours. Can we just go?

For sure. We got a ton of stuff to do.

Stuff? What Stuff?

Delta Nu has a pig roast,

and I got invited to a kareoga party.

Wait, isn't that in your dorm?

Uh, yeah, but no one's going to that weird-ass party.

Yo! It's my boy Srini!

Question about your party...

No, no, no! No questions!

Wait, you know this girl, Big Tasty?

She's my sister.

Ah, she sucks at first,

but you'll come to love her.

We're currently still in the sucking phase.

Oh, my God! What world am I living in?

Fine. Since you're related to Big Tasty,

I'm willing to overlook your extremely hurtful words

and re-invite you to my soiree.

You hear that, Erica?

He's gonna ignore how terrible you are.

Forget it! You can just go.

If some stupid party is more important

than your own flesh and blood,

then have a blast.

I will! Thanks!

Who wants snow cones?

Ow!

Okay, now I know you're clearly doing it on purpose!

While Erica felt burned,

I was the one hoping not to crash.

You're doing great, kiddo.

Just keep going on Rydal Road.

No, Dad. Rydal Road intersects the train tracks.

Wait, a train's coming?!

- No! - Maybe, maybe.

Look for the flashing red lights

and the up-and-down-gate thingy.

Oy vey, Bev. There is no train.

Essie Karp's pool man thought the same thing until... Boom!

His truck was T-boned by a commuter train.

Now he holds the skimmer with a homemade clamp.

Homemade clamp?

It's attached to his shoulder.

He opens and shuts it

with wires he keeps in his mouth.

No arm part? Just a clamp and a shoulder?

Pulleys. It works very well.

Wouldn't he just choose a different career

if he had a homemade clamp?

Skimming is his life, Murray. It's what he knows.

It's what he knows!

Everything you're saying right now

is very distracting.

Wait, if the clamp gets wet, doesn't it get rusty?

Of course it gets rusty.

He works around water and metal.

That's why he wears a bag over the clamp.

Ah, come on, there's gotta be a better way to clean pools

than a homemade clamp with a bag over it.

He's a very determined man!

Please drop it already.

You know he cleans gutters in the fall?

He just swaps in a scooper for the clamp.

Scoop? What kind of scooper?

He scoops with a homemade ladle.

He scoops out all the gutters.

So he's scooping gutters with a homemade ladle?

-He scoops and skims! -You expect me to believe that?

He scoops in the fall and skims in the summer! Scoops and skims.

♪ So, come on ♪

♪ Take a bottle, shake it up ♪

♪ Break the bubble, break it up ♪

♪ Pour some sugar on me ♪

Enough with the sugar and the pouring!

Turn it down!

Wow, you're, like, really harshing

on Def Leppard right now.

I can't believe you're actually going

to that dumb party.

Totally, and I'm, like, super bummed

you're not gonna be there.

Well, you don't have to be sarcastic about it.

I'm, like, not. This is just how I talk.

Okay, screw this!

There's no way I'll let my brother be better at college than me.

It's time to show 'em how it's done.

♪ I once was lost ♪

So Erica would prove she could kill it,

by literally murdering all the fun out of the party.

♪ Was blind, but now I seeeee ♪

Oooookay!

Let's keep this party going! Who's up next?

I was gonna sing The Go-Go's,

but I didn't realize this party is religious-themed.

What? No.

That's just a beautiful song that showcases my voice.

Oh. Job well done, then.

Oh, she's not being mean. That's just how she talks.

No, this time, it was totally meant to be mean.

Come on, Erica, don't go!

Come on.

What's the point?

I can't win here.

What am I supposed to do...

Use your stupid bag of college?

This is nuts.

Hey, mon, I'm Barry Goldberg.

I have a see-through dog,

and I ride a unicycle with a stick.

Or how about a Snoopy snow cone

while I strap on breakdancing pants

and wear this captain's hat for some reason?

Okay, when you use them all at once,

you just look silly.

Don't you get it, dude?

No one likes me here.

I don't even like me here.

Then it's time you show them

the Erica we all knew back home.

How?

High school was so easy.

I didn't even have to try to make friends.

I get it. It's new, and it's scary.

But I guarantee, if you put yourself out there,

everyone will love the real Erica Goldberg.

How do I introduce everyone to the real me?

Mmmm, I got a plan.

Murray: So he's scooping.

Beverly: He scoops.

I'm sorry, what's you're saying, science fiction!

You just made all this crap up.

- I didn't. I... - Oh, yeah, you did.

I'm not that creative.

Oh, yeah, scooping with a ladle, I'd argue, is very creative.

Listen, listen. Listen to me.

Please drop it already!

It's doubters like you

that make him want to skim harder.

Turns out Pops was right.

My dad's nagging pressure to make me drive,

coupled with my mom's constant car-safety stories,

weren't exactly prepping me for the road.

I was in full panic mode.

Stop talking about clamps and pool men.

Here come the train tracks. What do I do?!

Just drive, moron.

He's right. I am a moron. Grab the wheel.

No! Ignore your dad and the pool-guy story.

I don't see flashing lights or gates lowering.

What if it's broken?

Just punch it, kiddo.

Baaaaaaaalls!

You did it!

He did it!

I did it! You were right, Pops.

This whole driving thing isn't so...

Well, that was a little more than a nudge.

Pops was an excellent driving teacher.

Unfortunately, I was not a great student.

Surprising amount of paperwork for a tiny, little nudge.

Dad, we T-boned a cop.

And you told him to stop making a big deal out of it.

I think that cop had something going on at home.

Okay, first things first.

Give me your keys, Al. No more driving.

How is this on me? Adam was behind the wheel.

You know how it works.

It's the circle of driving.

Somebody loses a license, someone gets a license.

Or, Pops keeps driving, 'cause I'm not.

See? The circle of driving ends with me.

The circle of driving does not end with you.

Or...

Pops keeps driving, 'cause I'm not.

See? The circle of driving ends with me.

You can't end the circle of driving.

Oh, I just did! The circle is complete!

Listen, Cookie Bite.

I know you're scared to drive.

But you shouldn't be.

Truth is, I might've slightly exaggerated

the safety of the highways and byways,

just to make sure you were safe.

So I won't stall out on train tracks

and end up cleaning pools with my face?

Not if you get regular oil changes

and fill up your car...

- Beverly. - Sorry.

Train tracks are fine.

Murray? What about you?

What about me?

Well, maybe you apologize

for always calling the kid a moron.

Aww. That's the nicest sound you ever made at me.

Even morons can drive.

Especially you.

Um, hey.

I thought we could keep kareoga going.

Um, we're good, Whitney Houston.

Look, I just wanted people to like me.

Then, when they didn't, I acted judgey and showed off.

Maybe I can make up for it?

Okay.

Hey, everybody, I'm Erica.

I'm also Big Tasty's sister.

Big Tasty!

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, I hear part of kareoga is singing along,

so join in if you want.

♪ Love is like a bomb, baby, come on, get it on ♪

♪ Livin' like a lover with a radar phone ♪

♪ Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp ♪

♪ I'm a demolition woman, will you be my man? ♪

Hey, Pops? Got a second?

Sure thing, kiddo.

Listen, I was thinking...

Maybe Mom and Dad are right.

Maybe it's time for you to stop driving.

For real this time.

Your parents put you up to this?

No.

This time, it's coming from me.

I know Mom drilled car safety into my head and all,

but I think, in your case, you really should listen.

Adam, I can't just stop driving.

I mean, how are we gonna go on all our crazy adventures?

Easy. I'll drive us.

You?

If getting my license

means I get to keep hanging out with you,

then I'm all in.

You'd do that for me?

Then I guess these are yours now.

I'll work on that.

Come here.

And with that,

the circle of driving was finally complete.

♪ Shake it up ♪

♪ Break the bubble, break it up ♪

♪ Pour some sugar on me ♪

♪ In the name of love ♪

♪ Pour some sugar on me ♪

♪ Come on, fire me up ♪

There's nothing harder in life

than facing what scares you most.

Sometimes you just need a little nudge

to get behind the wheel and hit the gas.

Drive safe, moron.

And when your family's along for the ride,

nothing you can't do, nowhere you can't go.

♪ Listen ♪

♪ Red light, yellow light, green-alight, go ♪

♪ Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up ♪

That magic night, Erica finally found her place at college.

And I found that history had a way of repeating itself.

I know you're bummed about giving up driving,

so I thought this place would cheer you up.

You know me well, kiddo.

Oh, hell no!

We're going to the Spaghetti Warehouse

across the street.

Don't even look at this place.

♪ Pour some sugar on me ♪

♪ Oh, in the name of love ♪

♪ Pour some sugar on me ♪

In the end, all it takes

is finding the courage to crank it up,

hit the road, and keep on driving.

♪ I'm hot, sticky sweet ♪

♪ From my head to my feet, yeah ♪

_

♪ Take a bottle, shake it up ♪

_

♪ Break the bubble ♪

Happy birthday!

What do you want for breakfast?

Privacy!

Oh, please.

Don't forget to wash your bottom.

_

Happy birthday, Schmoo.

What do you want for breakfast?

How's about some pancake dippers?

Don't forget to wash your bottom.

On it!