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1
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[audience chattering]
2
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,886
[man] Ladies and gentlemen, Patton Oswalt.
3
00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,805
[cheering, applause]
4
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:11,988
[chuckles] Thank you.
Okay, guys, please. Thank you.
5
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:15,533
Thank you. Thank you, guys.
6
00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:20,538
Oh, thank you!
7
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:25,168
Thank you. Thank you all.
8
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:28,671
Please! Oh, dear God in heaven!
9
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:31,090
Thank you for that. Wow! Um--
10
00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:36,221
Thank you guys for coming out
and being so enthusiastic
11
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:40,183
andā¦ happy about, likeā¦ um--
12
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:47,398
Iām genuinely-- Iām genuinely surprised
that youāre in such a good mood,
13
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:48,983
especially with what--
14
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:52,445
Iām sure you guys saw what just went down
on Twitter five minutes ago.
15
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:53,947
Did you-- You didnāt see?
16
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:55,657
The-- No?
17
00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:56,866
Iām kidding. Nothing happened.
18
00:01:56,950 --> 00:02:01,371
But thatās the world weāre living in
right now basically is every--
19
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,998
āOh, fuck, what did he do?
What? Wait. What do you mean?ā
20
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,795
I almost feel like I could get out
of a mugging using that
21
00:02:08,878 --> 00:02:11,005
for the next couple of years.
22
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:13,758
Like if someone put a gun in my face,
āGive me your wallet.ā
23
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,803
āYou know what, take my keys, man.
Itās over. Go check Twitter.ā
24
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:18,388
āWhat?ā I just bolt. Like I couldā¦
25
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:23,393
make itā¦ to survive. [chuckles]
26
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:27,730
Because that was--
My routine in the morning is, uh,
27
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,191
the alarm goes off on my phone, I get up.
28
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:34,404
Have I had any calls, any texts? Okay.
I check e-mail, then I check Twitter.
29
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:38,449
And now my feet are on the ground
and I can start my day.
30
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:41,452
And now the routineās the same,
except the alarm goes off.
31
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:44,539
Okay, any calls, any texts? All right.
Check e-mail.
32
00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:48,793
But I check Twitter like this now,
āOh, shit!
33
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,462
Oh, what did he do? What did he do?ā
34
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:56,217
And no matter what is trending,
I immediately link it to Trump
35
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:58,469
and itās bad, like, in my head.
36
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,972
Like if puppies are trending, Iām like,
āHe killed all the puppies.
37
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:04,183
Thereās no puppies. Theyāre all dead.
He killed every puppy.
38
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,311
Somehow he managed to kill every--ā
[chuckles]
39
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:13,568
How hard did your rectum cinch up when--
40
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:18,948
Remember a couple months ago
when āKorean peninsulaā started trending?
41
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,783
And youāre like, āThe fuck is that?ā
42
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:25,496
By the way, when I saw that, I didnāt even
go directly to nuclear war in my head.
43
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,207
In my head, Iām like,
āOh, God, he went on TV and went--ā
44
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,667
[gibberish]
45
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,961
And I was like, āOh, God. Oh!ā
46
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,796
Like, he wasā¦
47
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,259
trying to describe an episode
of MASH he had just watched.
48
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:42,722
And then likeā¦
now missiles are flying, or something.
49
00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:43,973
I donāt know, but--
50
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:46,434
Fuck.
51
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,228
[audience laughs]
52
00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:52,065
Look at this shit. Look at this!
Look at th--
53
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:57,237
I started off this year-- I was focused.
I was gonna get fit.
54
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,406
I was gonna work out every day.
I was gonna cut down on sugars.
55
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:04,369
-And for the first 19 days of this year--
-[audience laughing]
56
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,788
I was on it. I was committed.
57
00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:10,917
And then January 20 rolled around,
that inauguration came,
58
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,127
āFuck it. No, I donāt give a shit.ā
59
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,214
āIce cream for breakfast, thatās--ā
60
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,135
I wonder how many
Alcoholics Anonymous chips
61
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,346
went sailing across ponds when that--
62
00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:24,973
when--
63
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,433
[chuckles]
64
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,604
When, like--
When Trump hand hit the Bible,
65
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:35,608
there was just, all over the country,
āSee you in four years.ā Whoosh!
66
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:38,987
Eight! Nice. All right.
67
00:04:43,574 --> 00:04:46,286
I think thatās one of the reasons
people donāt like Trump so much,
68
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:50,331
is that he really has shoved our faces,
very hard,
69
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:55,169
into how not evolved and progressive
we are as a country,
70
00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:57,005
as we like to tell ourselves.
71
00:04:57,088 --> 00:05:00,925
I think there was maybe
a little bit too much back-patting
72
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,593
after we elected Obama twice.
73
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,722
There was a little bit too much,
āYouāre welcome, Earth.
74
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,641
Yeah, thatās right, we, uh,
weāre pretty amazing.
75
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:13,187
Itās America 2008.
Weāre, uh, on the vanguard. Thatās right.
76
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,732
Yeah, youāre welcome. Pretty good.
Pretty amazing.ā
77
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,526
And then after eight years of Obama,
78
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:21,070
it was time to elect
either a very qualified woman
79
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:25,325
or a racist scrotum dipped in Cheeto dust.
80
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Andā¦ the country said,
81
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,040
āAh, see what the scrotum has to say.
82
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:35,460
I donāt know.
Maybe heāsā¦ something kind of new.ā
83
00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:39,964
We couldnāt go from black guy to woman.
It was just too much of a jump.
84
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:43,760
Going from Obama to Hillary for us,
I think what it is is
85
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:48,806
imagine going skydiving for the first time
and your feet hit the ground,
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00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,184
your heart is thumping,
all that adrenaline.
87
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And someone just runs up and says,
āHey, letās go bungee jumping right now.ā
88
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Youāre like, āI need to just sit
on the couch for, like, a week
89
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,027
and eat Triscuits
and watch X-Files reruns.
90
00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:04,489
I canāt just go
right to fucking bungee jumping.ā
91
00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:09,077
Thatās what-- Trump is our sitting
on the couch, watching X-Files after.
92
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,788
Because clearly a big part of the country
while Obama was president
93
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,874
was internally going, āBlack guy!ā
94
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:21,089
So, they needed this racist
palate cleanser, if you will.
95
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This cup of white supremacist sorbet.
96
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And by the way,
we will have a woman president,
97
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probably sooner than later.
98
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-But keep-- Guys. Guys. Guys!
-[cheering]
99
00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:40,608
-Easy. No!
-[laughing]
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We will have a woman president.
101
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:46,614
But just keep in mind
that after she serves her term,
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00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:51,911
the choices will very probably be
a very qualified gay guy
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00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:56,290
and then a KKK dude
with the ass cut out of his jeans and--
104
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:03,464
The countryās gonna go,
āLetās see what the KKK guy--
105
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:07,468
I donāt know. Maybe he hasā¦ some ideas.
Iād love to hear them.
106
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:10,388
I mean, his ass is hanging out.
Thatās fresh.
107
00:07:10,471 --> 00:07:15,059
I neverā¦ saw that before, right?ā
108
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:20,314
I empathize with Trump.
109
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:23,192
I donāt sympathize with him, but I get it.
110
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:27,530
I understand his origin story.
I know why heās got this job.
111
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:30,450
You know it too.
He went to the Correspondentsā Dinner.
112
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,244
Obama made fun of him,
and he sat there and said,
113
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āNo. Iām taking your job. Fuck that.
You donāt make fun of me.ā
114
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:41,210
And then he spent $40 million
and broke his ass for a year.
115
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Now heās got the job and the job sucks.
116
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He-- He did it out of spite.
117
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Iāve done so many dumbass things
out of spite
118
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just to piss someone else off.
119
00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,681
Iām like,
āI donāt fucking wanna do this shit.ā
120
00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:56,559
So I get it.
121
00:07:56,642 --> 00:08:01,355
And especially because his life
before the presidency was amazing.
122
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,775
It was amazing.
It was jets and golf and hookers.
123
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,944
It was just nonstop fun.
124
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:10,072
And now heās got to sit and talk
to the trade minister of Luxembourg.
125
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,532
I get it.
126
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:16,329
Trump becoming president
because Obama made fun of him,
127
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:19,081
that would be like, imagine ifā¦
128
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:22,877
the head of linguistics at Rutgers
129
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,254
made fun of David Lee Roth.
130
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:28,424
[audience laughing]
131
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,679
And thenā¦ David Lee Roth is like,
132
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:36,641
āIām gonna take your job.
Zibbity, bobbity, boop.ā
133
00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:41,938
And then he, like, spends a year
and all this moneyā¦
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00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:46,442
gets the job, goes cartwheeling
into the linguistics department.
135
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:51,364
āYeah, head of linguistics, everybody.
Diamond Dave!
136
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,324
Bring out the coke and the hookers.ā
137
00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:58,037
Then the guyās like, āOh, no, weāre gonna
be talking about the lack of recursion
138
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,540
in 16th-century Germanic poetry.ā
139
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:03,042
Daveās like, āI--ā
140
00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:18,224
āŖ Homily, bibbily, zibbily
Boobily hum, baby āŖ
141
00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:20,643
āNo? Nothing?
142
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,687
Thatās not how--
Okay, thatās fine. Thatās great.ā
143
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:30,278
And thatās it for the Trump material.
Thatās all-- because look, I could--
144
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:33,864
And by the way, people that tell me,
āYou comedians must be so happy.
145
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,617
Trump is president.
Itās just all this free material.ā
146
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:39,453
You know what, yes,
thereās a lot of material,
147
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,789
but thereās too fucking much.
148
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:43,583
Itās exhausting.
149
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:46,627
Being a comedian
while Trump is president is like,
150
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:49,797
imagine thereās an insane man
on the sidewalk
151
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,593
just shitting on the sidewalk
and yelling about Hitler and--
152
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:56,721
So youāre looking at him
and immediately think of the funniest joke
153
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:59,098
about shitting on the sidewalk
and yelling.
154
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:02,101
You turn to tell it to a bunch of people
and then behind you,
155
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:05,146
heās taken the shit
and made a sombrero out of it.
156
00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:06,939
[audience laughing]
157
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:10,693
So, you turn and you tell your amazing
shitting-on-the-sidewalk joke,
158
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:13,029
and everyone goes,
āOh, no, that was-- Dude, turn around.
159
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:15,615
He made a sombrero out of it.
Do a sombrero joke.ā
160
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:16,866
Oh, fuck!
161
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:23,664
[chuckling]
162
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:27,835
I can make fun of shit he did
the last couple of days.
163
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:30,338
By the time this thing airs,
you guys are gonna be going,
164
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:33,174
āWait. What? What was that again?
165
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,926
āCause he took his dick out
when they lit the Christmas tree.
166
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:39,305
I donāt know why youāre talking about--
167
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:44,060
Oh, yeah, the Paris thing.
Well, I totally forgot about that. Yeah.ā
168
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:48,147
Fucking Donald Trump
is sour cream in the sauna.
169
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,774
Thereās no, like--
170
00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:52,151
āShit! Oh, fuck, I gotta--ā
171
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:54,320
[audience laughing]
172
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:08,125
Thankfully, Trump put some light
173
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:12,463
on a huge issue
thatās facing this country though.
174
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:15,591
Huge issue that weāve got to--
weāve got to do something about.
175
00:11:15,674 --> 00:11:18,719
You know what Iām talking about,
of course-- white genocide.
176
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:23,015
Thatās right. Oh, yeah.
Itās real, folks. Look.
177
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:29,188
White people, we used to be in charge
of, like, 99.9 percent of shit.
178
00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:33,025
And in the recent years,
that number has plummeted
179
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:35,903
to 96.4 percent.
180
00:11:35,986 --> 00:11:38,072
We are on the way out.
181
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:43,702
And thank God, Trump gave voice
to these embattled white people.
182
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,581
How ballsy do you have to be
as a white person
183
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,000
to use the term āwhite genocideā?
184
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,712
That-- Especially if youāre talking
to, like, someone whoās Jewish
185
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,715
or Native American or African American.
186
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:59,343
And youāre like,
āOh, hey, I totally get it now, dude.
187
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:01,929
I get it. Yeah.
188
00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:05,724
No, like I used to watch Schindlerās List,
and thatās a great movie,
189
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,602
but I could never completely relate to it.
190
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:12,481
Like, Iām only--
But then The Force Awakens came out.
191
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,693
And there was a black storm trooper,
Iām like, āHoly shit.ā
192
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:19,113
I totally understand Auschwitz now.
I get it.
193
00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:20,865
I totally get it.
194
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,535
Yeah, man, when that guy--
When he took his helmet off
195
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,955
and it was a black guy, Iām like, That
was our Trail of Tears, right there.
196
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:33,502
When that helmet came off.
My God, dude, Iām fucking with you, man.ā
197
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,842
āGotta keep the races pure!ā
198
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,304
Oh, I hope they donāt use that
out of context in the promo.
199
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,763
That would be really weird.
200
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:47,892
[chuckles] Putting that one--
201
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,854
Patton Oswaltās got a new Netflix special.
202
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,898
Gotta keep the races pure.
203
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:56,317
Tune in thisā¦ September.
204
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,278
Youāre gonna wanna binge this one.
205
00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:05,367
Itās a terrible segue.
206
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,623
People are still obsessed with pure races.
207
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:16,045
Which, by the way, there were pure races
for ten minutes
208
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:19,006
when the earth cooled,
thatās when we had pure races.
209
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:21,675
And then everyone
just started fucking each other,
210
00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,636
and now we are what we are now.
211
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:28,224
And by the way, have you ever met someone
whoās really Caucasian?
212
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,684
Or mega Asian?
213
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:33,103
Or super African?
214
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,189
Itās creepy.
215
00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:38,943
Pure races are like,
āOh, God, one of you guys fuck a Mexican,
216
00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:42,112
because this is way too much.
217
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,532
The black, white and yellow,
I just think penguin.
218
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:47,201
Get some earth tones in there. Something!
219
00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:48,452
Aah!ā
220
00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:54,542
Thereās even a thing you can do.
Iāve done this.
221
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:57,253
Itās called, um, 23andMe.
222
00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:02,466
23andMe is this company,
and what you do is you spit in a cup,
223
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:07,054
and then you mail the cup to some nerds,
and then they look at it under--
224
00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:08,931
they spin it
and look at it under the microscope.
225
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,809
And then they send you back
a map of the world
226
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:16,063
with all of your DNA markers on it,
show you where all your DNA came from.
227
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:19,108
So, I did it. Send in my cup,
get back my map.
228
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:23,445
I unfold it. Iām looking at it,
and I got all the pasty countries covered.
229
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,072
I had every one--
230
00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:28,659
Thereās Ireland and Sweden and England.
I got it.
231
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:32,204
Then I had a huge spike
232
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:33,998
in Mongolia.
233
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:39,503
[audience laughing]
234
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,342
How many years was my dad in Vietnam?
[mumbles]
235
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,470
Hmm?
236
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,017
They have an 800 number. Call them
and theyāll go over your map with you.
237
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,269
I called them up and said, āI got my map.
238
00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:58,731
And yeah, thereās all the pasty countries.
239
00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:02,192
And, uh, hey, whatās with Mongolia?
240
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:05,571
Whatās the deal with my Mongolian DNA?ā
241
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:08,866
And the guy on the phone
didnāt even pause, he immediately said,
242
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:10,409
āYeah, thatās Genghis Khan.ā
243
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,786
[audience laughing]
244
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,330
Sorry. What?
245
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:20,044
He goes, āYouāre related to Genghis Khan.
Most people are related to Genghis Khan.ā
246
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:26,342
I go, āYou serious?ā He goes,
āDude, Genghis Khan fucked everything.ā
247
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,387
āThere are trees
that are related to Genghis Khan.
248
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,139
Thatās all he did was fuck.ā
249
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:37,353
And that must have been
some amazing cum in Genghis Khanās balls,
250
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:42,775
because not only was he in tight,
leather-skin pants that do not breathe,
251
00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:44,777
like sperm-killing heat,
252
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:47,821
then put him on a saddle
for ten hours a day.
253
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:52,117
The saddle just crushing his nuts.
Bam, boom, bam, bam!
254
00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:56,455
Then he would take over a village
and get off the horse,
255
00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:59,583
āHey, everyone, look, really quick.
Iām Genghis Khan.
256
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:02,086
Before we go further, itāll take
10 minutes, Iām gonna fuck everybody.
257
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:05,005
Thatās what I do. I fuck everybody.
Iām really good.ā
258
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:09,677
His cumās like, āWhy are we still talking?
Letās make babies. Letās do it.ā
259
00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:15,432
If I send a text near my nutsack,
my bloodline is done.
260
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,476
I have the weakest--
261
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:21,563
āI donāt know why you added that Emoji,
Patton. We canāt. Thereās no way.
262
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,274
You cannot pass along
your information, my friend.ā
263
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:29,446
Iām a terrible candidate
for defending the white race,
264
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:32,366
so please donāt recruit me, Nazis.
265
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,284
[chuckles] Iām a terrible fighter.
266
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:39,289
Iāve been-- I realize Iāve been in fights,
but only as a featured extra.
267
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:43,252
Like Iāve never actually āparticipated.ā
268
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:46,880
It was less of a conversation and more
of a lecture, if you know what I mean.
269
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:49,216
Just no reach, no punch.
270
00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:54,054
Even when I watch, like,
when a fight is going on, I get tensed up.
271
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,140
Iām the guy-- Iām never the guy
going in going,
272
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:58,392
āHey, stop this. What are you guys, nuts?ā
273
00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:01,770
Iām the guy at the edge of the crowd--
[shrieking]
274
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,817
No fighting skill.
275
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:10,904
Iāve seen one genuinely great fight
in my life
276
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:14,742
that actually inspired me
and encouraged me
277
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:17,828
and gave me hope for us as a species.
278
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:21,874
Um, this was way back in 2000. I was--
279
00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:24,543
It was Christmastime,
and I was drinking at a bar
280
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:27,713
above the Roxy on Sunset Boulevard.
281
00:17:27,796 --> 00:17:30,466
Thereās a bar above it,
itās called On the Rox.
282
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,593
Get it? āCause itās on top--
283
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:33,761
So, um--
284
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:38,390
Thereās all these office parties up there.
Everyoneās getting plastered.
285
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,727
And then below us in the Roxy,
thereās a rock show going on.
286
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,604
And everyoneās doing drugs and drinking.
287
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:46,774
And then next door
is the Rainbow Bar and Grill,
288
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:50,569
a big heavy metal, headbanger bar,
and theyāre all getting wasted.
289
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:53,072
And then 2:00 a.m. rolls around,
290
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,492
āEveryone out in the parking lot.
Get your cars. Barās closed.ā
291
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,495
So all three venues
let out at the same time.
292
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:02,831
Drunk office workers, drunk metal heads,
drunk concert goers,
293
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,209
all in a big drunken blob
294
00:18:05,292 --> 00:18:08,128
at 2:00 a.m. on Sunset Strip.
295
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:12,800
So thereās a group of people, all
in suits, clearly an office party.
296
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,678
Theyāre waiting at valet to get their car,
and one of the members of their group
297
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:23,227
was this black guy who was 5ā3ā,
and I canāt stress this enough,
298
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:25,312
really wide.
299
00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:32,152
Just this round, roly-poly butterball,
with a big, chubby, round face
300
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,321
and his little fat chubby hands.
301
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:37,699
Heās got a big cigar in his hand.
Heās talking with his friends about stuff.
302
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,743
And there they are chatting.
303
00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:45,332
Then out of the Rainbow Bar and Grill
come these two big dudes.
304
00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:47,960
Good-looking dudes. Muscular dudes.
305
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:52,089
Wearing suits, got the collar open,
showing off the chest.
306
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:55,384
One of the guyās got a cowboy hat on
and cowboy boots.
307
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:59,179
The other guyās Middle Eastern,
got a gold chain. They look good.
308
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:03,851
They had clearly gone out
to get some pussy that night
309
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:06,019
and no pussy had been got.
310
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,188
[audience laughing]
311
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,607
And you could see the vibe
coming off of them,
312
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:13,318
which was, āWe are gonna start a fight.
313
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:18,365
I wanted-- My skinās gonna hit skin
at one velocity or another tonight.
314
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,703
I tried to go slow and easy.ā
315
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,959
So theyāre coming out and they
walk by this group of office workers.
316
00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:33,046
And the cowboy guy kind of deliberately
bumps the black dude.
317
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:37,759
He keeps walking, but he turns around
and goes, āHey, watch it,ā to the guy.
318
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,928
Black guys saysā¦
319
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:45,434
āWell, you watch it. Iām not moving.
Youāre moving. I donāt have to watch it.ā
320
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:48,937
[audience laughing]
321
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:50,981
The-- [chuckles]
322
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:55,235
The cowboy guy says,
323
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,612
āWhat?ā
324
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:05,746
Now, had I been the black guy,
my response would have been,
325
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:08,665
āOh, my God,
Iām so completely in the wrong right now.
326
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,461
Please let me apologize to you.
I will watch it.
327
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,171
You win. Donāt kill me.ā
328
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,051
But the black guyās response was,
329
00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:24,264
āI saidā¦ I donāt have to watch it
ācause Iām not walking.
330
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,767
Youāre walking. You watch it.ā
331
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,981
The-- [chuckles]
332
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,318
The cowboy guy says,
āThatās it motherfucker.
333
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:38,528
Fucking boots are coming off.ā
334
00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:43,742
And he kicks his boots off. I know.
335
00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:46,912
Now this doesnāt happen enough
in real life, but you ever--
336
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:50,332
I love it when a whole group of strangers
are hanging out,
337
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,417
even people that wouldnāt
normally be friends,
338
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:55,462
and then a way bigger douche bag shows up.
339
00:20:55,545 --> 00:21:00,133
And just for a second, everyoneās friends,
just reacting to the douche bag.
340
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:03,303
Because suddenly total strangers are like,
āDid he say heās taking his boots off?
341
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:05,180
You heard that? Okay. Whatever.ā
342
00:21:06,139 --> 00:21:09,559
If there had been a Nation of Islam guy
and a skinhead, they both would have gone,
343
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:12,896
āDid he just say heās taking off
his boots? He said that, right?
344
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,648
Okay. I thought I was going crazy.ā
345
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:15,774
So--
346
00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,735
Nowā¦ [chuckles]
347
00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:24,783
the fucking cowboy guy
is now barefoot on the pavementā¦
348
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:27,703
snaking in on this dude,
349
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:31,873
the short 5ā3ā, wide, chubby black guy.
350
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:34,668
He looked good doing it.
I think this guy fucking knows kung fu.
351
00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:37,004
And heās fucking moving in.
Heās gonna fuck--
352
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:38,714
The black guy is not reacting.
353
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:41,925
Heās just standing there with his cigar,
watching the guy move in.
354
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:50,183
The cowboy guy gets right up on him,
gets his hands on the black guyās lapel.
355
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:53,687
And then the black guy--
He didnāt put his cigar down to do this,
356
00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:56,064
which haunts me till this day.
357
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:05,699
Cowboyās got his hands around his lapel,
and the black guy justā¦
358
00:22:05,782 --> 00:22:07,242
picked him up.
359
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:18,754
And when I say picked him up,
I donāt mean he went like-- [straining]
360
00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:23,592
I mean, vroom, off his feet.
It took that much effort.
361
00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:26,261
The guyā¦ He was holding the guy
over his head,
362
00:22:26,344 --> 00:22:28,138
and then he immediately dropped him.
363
00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:32,309
Now, the--
364
00:22:34,102 --> 00:22:36,480
The cowboy guyās evening in his mind
365
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:40,317
did not include being lifted up
over someoneās head,
366
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,486
so he only fell five feet,
367
00:22:42,569 --> 00:22:48,283
but he absolutely did not break his fall
in any way.
368
00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:53,455
Everything hit, like, nose, chin, kneesā¦
just blam on the asphalt.
369
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:54,998
And then blood.
370
00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:59,461
And he was clearly so much pain
that his brain was like,
371
00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:01,797
āWeāre not gonna process this.
Why donāt you just stand up.ā
372
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:05,342
And so he immediately gets up, heās like--
373
00:23:05,425 --> 00:23:08,804
Heās still trying to motherfuck the guy,
āFuck you. Come on, man!ā
374
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,306
But heās just barely standing,
heās in so much--
375
00:23:11,389 --> 00:23:13,892
And to his credit, his friend,
the Middle Eastern guy, was,
376
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:17,521
āAh, weāre good. Thank you.ā
And grabbed the guys boots.
377
00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:20,816
āLetās get you in a cab, buddy.ā
His friend was immediately sober.
378
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:22,526
āWeāll get you a cab and go right home.ā
379
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:26,863
Pushes his friend in a cab
and they ride off.
380
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:30,992
And now I cannot take my eyes
off this black guy.
381
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:35,664
By the way, when they left,
the black guy just turned to his friends,
382
00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:39,751
āSo, are we bringing in muffins on Monday
for the Christmas party or what are we--ā
383
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:42,921
Like never even again mentioned
what had just happened.
384
00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:49,886
So, I canāt take-- Iām like,
āWhat the fuck did I see? What is this?ā
385
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,472
It took me a while looking at the guy,
and I realize,
386
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:56,101
āOh, heās a powerlifter.ā
387
00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:59,062
āCause real powerlifters,
the serious ones,
388
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:02,107
their bodies, they look like
these little chubby guys.
389
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:05,277
Itās like their torso turns into a bicep.
390
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:09,406
Itās just one lifting--
Itās like a bicep with a dick and legs.
391
00:24:09,489 --> 00:24:14,661
And thatās his-- thatās his one move,
just lift and drop. Like if--
392
00:24:14,744 --> 00:24:16,663
[audience laughing]
393
00:24:16,746 --> 00:24:19,666
Like, āWhat was your favorite fight
youāve ever seen, Patton?ā
394
00:24:19,749 --> 00:24:23,712
āIt was like a Street Fighter video game.
It was, like, lift and fatality.
395
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:25,005
Like that was the whole--ā
396
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:27,924
Oh, okay.
397
00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:44,691
Speaking of thinking Iām going crazyā¦
and Iāve said this a few timesā¦
398
00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:47,652
and audience members are going,
āYeah, thatās happened too.ā
399
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,572
So itās not just happening to me, but--
400
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:53,533
Okay, before I say this,
you all have gotten robocalls,
401
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:57,454
where you pick up the phone, āHow would
you like an exciting time-share?ā
402
00:24:57,537 --> 00:25:00,874
Oh, fuck it, and you just hang up.
It was a goddamn robocall.
403
00:25:01,374 --> 00:25:05,587
But Iāve gotten a couple of calls recently
where I pick up the phone
404
00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:08,548
and itās a womanās voice,
and sheāll go, āHey, how you doing?ā
405
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:09,799
Iām like, āIām good.ā
406
00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:14,137
Then she goes, āSo I wonder-- Hang on,
somethingās wrong with my headset.ā
407
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:17,766
And sheāll adjust her headset.
Okay, so itās not just me.
408
00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:20,268
And then Iāll go, āOh, thatās okay.ā
409
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:25,023
And then sheāll start talking
and itās just a recorded pitch for a--
410
00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:30,946
The whole thing is a recording, including
the, āSomethingās wrong with my headset.ā
411
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:33,573
And three different times Iāve gone,
āThatās okay.ā
412
00:25:33,657 --> 00:25:36,618
And then they go into their stupid pitch.
413
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:39,454
And then when I hang up, Iām like,
āYou motherfucker.ā
414
00:25:39,537 --> 00:25:43,583
Like Iām so angry, āIām gonna burn
your building down if I figure out--ā
415
00:25:44,918 --> 00:25:47,295
āCause they just tricked me
and Iām so angry.
416
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:50,173
Also it makes me--
First Iām angry ācause they tricked me.
417
00:25:50,257 --> 00:25:52,467
Second, Iām angry because what that means
418
00:25:52,550 --> 00:25:55,428
is some robocall company
had a meeting and said,
419
00:25:55,512 --> 00:25:58,974
āWe canāt just have them pick up the phone
and the guys goes, āWould you like aā-
420
00:25:59,057 --> 00:26:03,311
We gotta add a little zest and pizzazz
to hook āem,
421
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:06,022
then theyāll listen to the whole thing,
and the idea-- it means they--ā
422
00:26:06,106 --> 00:26:09,234
And they found some failed screenwriter,
out-of-work playwright,
423
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:14,531
and the idea that the man or woman
came up with and got paid for,
424
00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:18,785
the level of drama they came up with was,
āOh, let me just adjust my headset.ā
425
00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:20,954
Thatās as far as they went.
426
00:26:21,788 --> 00:26:24,457
If you, okay, if youāve already committed
427
00:26:24,541 --> 00:26:28,378
to just completely bullshitting me
on a robocall,
428
00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:31,214
entertain me, just go for it.
429
00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:35,885
When I pick up that phone, like, āHello,ā
I should hear like, āHeās stabbing me.
430
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:39,306
Oh, God, Iām-- Iām bleeding out.
431
00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:43,310
I saw--
Heās killing everyone in the office.
432
00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:45,812
Iām hiding. Please listen.
433
00:26:45,895 --> 00:26:52,068
I promised my son when I left today
I would sell one time-share in Boca Raton.
434
00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:54,362
If you could just please--
435
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:58,408
Oh, God,
please just hit ātwoā on your phone.ā
436
00:26:58,491 --> 00:27:00,493
[groans, chuckles]
437
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:03,163
[audience laughing]
438
00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:07,834
Pick up the phone, āTheyāve launched
the missiles! They emptied all the silos!
439
00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:11,880
The only safe place
is Sandy Cove in Monterey, California.
440
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:15,759
Press ātwoā to hear about
an exciting new offer!
441
00:27:15,842 --> 00:27:17,969
You need to repopulate the earth!ā
442
00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:25,018
Letās meet my front row. Hi.
443
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:27,687
-Do you live in Chicago?
-I do.
444
00:27:27,771 --> 00:27:31,816
-What do you do in Chicago?
-Um, I do public relations.
445
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:35,195
What was the last thing
you had to public relate?
446
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:39,240
Uh-- [chuckles] I work for a credit union.
447
00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:40,825
Ooh, a credit union.
448
00:27:42,035 --> 00:27:45,246
What a-- the fucking exciting,
glitzy world of PR.
449
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:50,418
āCould you try to tell people
that our 3.9 spread rate
450
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:53,922
has now gone down to 3.6 percent?
451
00:27:54,005 --> 00:27:57,801
Andā¦ if you could add
a little zhoosh and sparkle to it,
452
00:27:57,884 --> 00:28:00,512
that would be fantastic.ā
453
00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:03,598
Youāre sitting there with--
All right. So, you--
454
00:28:03,681 --> 00:28:07,394
What did you need to relate to the public
about this credit union?
455
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,979
Uh, we have a new credit card.
456
00:28:10,063 --> 00:28:12,357
A new credit card!
457
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,150
And how did you make that exciting?
458
00:28:15,485 --> 00:28:16,986
I donāt know that I did.
459
00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:20,115
[Oswalt chuckling] Oh, my God!
460
00:28:21,991 --> 00:28:23,326
Wow!
461
00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:29,290
I-- She literally just went,
āI think I failed. I donāt think I made--
462
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:31,126
I donāt think I did it.ā
463
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:33,878
You said that like you literally
realized it that moment.
464
00:28:33,962 --> 00:28:36,214
It wasnāt till I brought it up to you,
youāre like,
465
00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:38,591
āI failed it. Oh, my God!
466
00:28:39,342 --> 00:28:41,678
They depended on me!
467
00:28:41,761 --> 00:28:45,640
That was their exciting new card
and I told people it was made out of shit.
468
00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:47,308
What was I thinking?ā
469
00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:50,562
You didnāt make it exciting.
What was the--
470
00:28:50,645 --> 00:28:53,440
What was your biggest success so far
as a PR person?
471
00:28:53,523 --> 00:28:57,485
Whatās the thing that you related
the fuck out of to the public?
472
00:28:58,319 --> 00:29:00,363
What do you consider--
What do you consider
473
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:04,909
your Sgt. Peppers in the PR world, so far?
474
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:06,828
Oh, gosh. Oh.
475
00:29:06,911 --> 00:29:11,291
Is it too many to name,
or has it been a string of disasters?
476
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:16,546
Am I talking to the worst PR person
in the Windy City?
477
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:18,840
Probably.
478
00:29:19,424 --> 00:29:20,675
Really?
479
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:24,929
Youāre laughing a little too confidently
at that, āI think he might be.ā
480
00:29:27,557 --> 00:29:30,518
āHe might just be. Thatās right.
481
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:34,522
I-- This is funny. I destroy lives.
Thatās what I--ā
482
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:41,529
What would be a thing you would say,
like, āFuck, I really nailed that one.ā
483
00:29:42,489 --> 00:29:43,698
[sighs] I--
484
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:47,410
Oh, my God, this is depressing.
Thereās, like, nothing here.
485
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:50,914
My prior job, I worked for a labor union.
486
00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:53,291
You worked for a labor union,
and you said,
487
00:29:53,374 --> 00:29:57,003
āNo, man, I gotta rock and roll
this shit up and start working PR.ā
488
00:29:57,796 --> 00:30:00,590
Youāre depressing the fuck--
This is awful. Iāve like--
489
00:30:00,673 --> 00:30:04,093
Iāve made someone realize theyāve made
a horrible mistake in their life.
490
00:30:05,220 --> 00:30:07,555
This is a terrible way
to start off crowd work.
491
00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:12,310
Now the whole frontās going,
āPlease donāt talk to me.
492
00:30:12,393 --> 00:30:15,688
I-I actually like my life.
Please donāt ask me what I do.
493
00:30:15,772 --> 00:30:17,690
Donāt make me question my existence.ā
494
00:30:19,025 --> 00:30:21,277
Let me go destroy someone else.
Iāll be right back.
495
00:30:22,946 --> 00:30:26,032
-Hi! Do you live in Chicago, sir?
-I do.
496
00:30:26,115 --> 00:30:27,534
-In the city?
-Yes.
497
00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:30,328
-What do you do in the city?
-I work in construction.
498
00:30:30,411 --> 00:30:33,289
In construction.
Do you actually build with your hands?
499
00:30:33,373 --> 00:30:36,000
Are you the guy going,
āWe need a load of steel for the--ā
500
00:30:36,084 --> 00:30:38,711
Youāre like-- Youāre the guy
in the trailer, right, making calls?
501
00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:41,965
-āYeah, you guys are good.ā
-So youāre the guy like--
502
00:30:42,048 --> 00:30:44,634
āYou guys go up there
with your little hard hats and--ā
503
00:30:44,717 --> 00:30:46,219
Smart. Very good.
504
00:30:46,302 --> 00:30:48,263
But hang on, did you have to work your--
505
00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:51,599
Did you have to earn the trailer,
or did you start off in the trailer?
506
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:53,601
Will you ever work walking the high steel?
507
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,520
-Not once. No.
-Never.
508
00:30:55,603 --> 00:30:57,647
You fuckinā college puke!
509
00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:59,607
What the hell do you know
510
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,986
about a guy with his lunch pail
up 80 stories,
511
00:31:03,069 --> 00:31:06,281
watching his best friend fall
into a bucket of hot rivets?
512
00:31:10,159 --> 00:31:11,369
Just got all blue-collar.
513
00:31:11,452 --> 00:31:14,247
Iāve literally never done
any physical labor in my life.
514
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:18,543
Do you get guys on the site just going,
āYou never--ā
515
00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:20,670
Like, is that a plus or a minus
516
00:31:20,753 --> 00:31:24,215
that youāve never actually been up
on the site or they donāt give a shit?
517
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:28,177
-They might have a chip on their shoulder.
-A little chip on their shoulder.
518
00:31:28,261 --> 00:31:29,846
Thatās right. Itās fuckinā Bruce--
519
00:31:29,929 --> 00:31:31,973
Theyāre Bruce Springsteen
and youāre Radiohead, man.
520
00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:33,808
They donāt-- You know what I mean?
521
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:39,355
Theyāre out there born to run,
and youāre, āOh, androids and depression.ā
522
00:31:41,858 --> 00:31:44,944
Ooh!
523
00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:52,118
Did you study construction in college,
or how did you get into construction?
524
00:31:52,201 --> 00:31:54,537
-Civil engineering.
-Civil engineering.
525
00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:57,707
You college puke. Look at you!
526
00:31:57,790 --> 00:32:01,169
What do you know from a book?
Iām sorry. Iām sorry.
527
00:32:03,129 --> 00:32:05,381
What was the latest project
you helped construct?
528
00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:09,385
-The Obama Center.
-Oh, the Obama Center! Nice!
529
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:12,555
-[applause]
-Good! Thank God.
530
00:32:19,312 --> 00:32:21,522
What is it?
Is it gonna be a giant brick building
531
00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:24,776
in the shape of the words āmiss me,ā
or, like, how is that gonna--?
532
00:32:29,447 --> 00:32:32,241
When you say Obama Center,
is it like his library
533
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:34,535
or like more of a thing--
or is it like a--
534
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:36,704
What happens at the Obama Center?
535
00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:38,790
-Itās a museum.
-Mm-hmm.
536
00:32:38,873 --> 00:32:42,168
Itās an interactive space
and like a library as well.
537
00:32:42,251 --> 00:32:46,130
Wow. And you
have the last cubic inch of hope
538
00:32:46,214 --> 00:32:47,924
under glass in there, right?
539
00:32:48,007 --> 00:32:53,721
You have the last cubic inch of optimism
that you have under a little light.
540
00:32:53,805 --> 00:32:56,140
Youāre only allowed to look at it
for just a second.
541
00:32:56,224 --> 00:32:58,643
They just, āNo, thatās it.
No, move, move, move. Donāt touch!ā
542
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:01,896
Wow.
543
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:05,566
I donāt know if I can follow Obama Center,
but Iām gonna talk to one more person.
544
00:33:05,650 --> 00:33:06,901
Letās see what happens.
545
00:33:07,735 --> 00:33:10,113
First, I made a PR person
question their life.
546
00:33:11,239 --> 00:33:13,908
Then I talked to the guy
thatās building the Obama Center.
547
00:33:14,617 --> 00:33:18,538
Now letās talk to a child pornographer.
Letās see--
548
00:33:18,621 --> 00:33:21,290
Letās take this
right into the fucking toilet.
549
00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:24,127
[chuckles]
550
00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:26,629
How about you with the cool glasses?
551
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:27,922
Hi, sir.
552
00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:29,799
Do you live in Chicago?
553
00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:32,093
You live in-- Cool.
You live in the actual city.
554
00:33:32,176 --> 00:33:33,636
-Yeah.
-What do you do in the city?
555
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,389
-Iām a comedy writer.
-Youāre a comedy writer.
556
00:33:36,472 --> 00:33:38,641
Oh, this is gonna be death.
All right, um--
557
00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:44,814
-[audience laughing]
-Sorry.
558
00:33:45,773 --> 00:33:47,734
When you say-- [chuckles]
559
00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:49,736
youāre a comedy writer,
who do you work for?
560
00:33:49,819 --> 00:33:51,487
- The Onion.
-Oh, The Onion.
561
00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:54,198
Well, Iām not talking--
You put on this event. I canāt--
562
00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:57,410
This is like talking to the boss
at the Christmas party.
563
00:33:57,493 --> 00:33:59,620
āHey, letās bring him up here, guys.
This is good.
564
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:03,207
This guyās nutty.
Come on, letās see what he has to say.ā
565
00:34:05,251 --> 00:34:09,881
How does it-- You write for the A.V. Club
or the actual Onion website?
566
00:34:09,964 --> 00:34:12,175
Uh, The Onion, the satirical part.
567
00:34:12,258 --> 00:34:14,469
The satirical part?
568
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:17,513
How does-- Sorry.
How does the Whiplash feel
569
00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:21,392
watching reality just pissing
all over satire every day?
570
00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:22,894
Like, how do you even--
571
00:34:24,187 --> 00:34:25,730
How many--
572
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:27,065
How much--
573
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:31,861
How many cubic feet of coke are snorted
in the offices every day at this point?
574
00:34:31,944 --> 00:34:34,739
I mean, itās got to be nuts.
How are you guys coping?
575
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:36,157
I think pretty good.
576
00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:37,950
-Pretty good?
-Yeah.
577
00:34:38,034 --> 00:34:40,078
You know itās just gonna get
more and more insane.
578
00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:44,665
Like, you donāt know-- Oh, fuck, dude,
I actually feel weirdly bad for you.
579
00:34:46,751 --> 00:34:48,753
You know what you could use?
580
00:34:48,836 --> 00:34:52,632
Some good PR.
Let me introduce you to this--
581
00:34:52,715 --> 00:34:54,550
There you go. You call her.
582
00:34:55,134 --> 00:34:56,135
There you go.
583
00:34:57,512 --> 00:34:59,597
Thatās right. Call her.
584
00:35:00,848 --> 00:35:03,726
Let her fail you. Thatās all I ask.
585
00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:08,940
Then for relief, go to the Obama Center.
Both you guys, meet at the Obam--
586
00:35:09,023 --> 00:35:10,983
You two meet at the Obama Center.
587
00:35:11,067 --> 00:35:13,194
And youāre like, āWeāre having an iron--
588
00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:16,114
You have an āironyā deficiency.ā
589
00:35:25,706 --> 00:35:29,210
[cheering, whistling]
590
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:32,839
Stupid.
591
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:35,675
Oh!
592
00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:37,802
Yes.
593
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:40,638
[chuckles]
594
00:35:43,724 --> 00:35:47,103
Iām just killing time. This next section
is very hard for me to get into.
595
00:35:47,186 --> 00:35:51,107
But it was really nice--
That was a fascinating front row. Wow.
596
00:35:51,190 --> 00:35:53,192
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much. That was--
597
00:35:53,276 --> 00:35:55,194
-[applause]
-[sighs]
598
00:35:58,531 --> 00:35:59,574
So--
599
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:04,579
The, uh--
600
00:36:05,538 --> 00:36:10,042
Just over a year ago, um,
I became a widower.
601
00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:12,336
And, uh, I have--
602
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:15,631
Iām moving along as best I can.
It is, you know--
603
00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:19,802
I can get up and I can do my job.
I can be a dad.
604
00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:23,472
But, uh, itās not, you know-- itās still--
605
00:36:23,556 --> 00:36:28,769
The wound is there. It is healing.
Itās not shut yet. And, uh--
606
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:32,773
Ooh, by the way, if one more person
wishes me strength
607
00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:35,193
on my healing journey,
608
00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:38,196
Iām gonna throw a balloon full of piss
609
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:40,781
into every candle store on the planet,
610
00:36:40,865 --> 00:36:43,784
becauseā¦ itās--
611
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:46,913
It is not a healing journey.
612
00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:49,999
Uh, and calling it a healing journey
makes it harder, by the way.
613
00:36:50,082 --> 00:36:53,711
When Iām-- When itās 4:00 a.m.
and Iām in the backyard crying,
614
00:36:53,794 --> 00:36:57,548
and looking at the sky in my underwear,
uh, you know, it doesnāt feel--
615
00:36:57,632 --> 00:37:00,134
Iām like, āI think Iām fucking up
my healing journey right now.ā
616
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:04,805
If they would call it a ānumb slog,ā
then I could at least go,
617
00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:06,265
āIām nailing it. All right.
618
00:37:06,349 --> 00:37:09,810
Iāmā¦ right where I need to be
on my ānumb slog.ā
619
00:37:11,312 --> 00:37:15,566
And also, it-- Thereās no sense to it.
620
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:18,819
It doesnāt have--
And that was my, you know-- my--
621
00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:21,322
My wife was a true-crime writer
and researcher,
622
00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:24,617
and the phrase she hated the most was,
623
00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:27,495
āYou know, everything happens
for a reason.ā [chuckles]
624
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:29,288
Sheās like, āNo, it fuckinā doesnāt.
625
00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:33,209
Itās chaos. Itās all random.
And itās horrifying.
626
00:37:33,292 --> 00:37:37,546
And if you want to try to reduce
the horror and reduce the chaos,
627
00:37:37,630 --> 00:37:39,548
be kind, thatās all you can do.
628
00:37:39,632 --> 00:37:42,301
Itās chaos. Be kind.ā
She would just say that all the--
629
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:44,637
-āItās chaos. Be kind.ā
-[applause]
630
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:47,014
Now--
631
00:37:50,559 --> 00:37:53,771
I would always-- Weād have these huge
philosophical arguments where I was like,
632
00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:57,858
āI donāt believe
in an intelligent creator, per se.
633
00:37:57,942 --> 00:38:03,072
I think that there might be a lattice work
of logic and meaning to the universe
634
00:38:03,155 --> 00:38:05,199
that maybe weāre too small to see.ā
635
00:38:05,283 --> 00:38:08,786
And she was like,
āSweetie, itās all random. Itās all chaos.
636
00:38:08,869 --> 00:38:13,207
Itās chaos. Be kind. Itās chaos. Be kind.ā
And we would go back and forth.
637
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:17,962
And then she won the argument
in the shittiest way possible!
638
00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:29,432
And if there is some intelligence up there
with a plan,
639
00:38:29,515 --> 00:38:32,435
then his or her or its plan sucks.
640
00:38:32,518 --> 00:38:37,398
If part of the plan was looking at me
and Michelle as a couple,
641
00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:40,735
and go, āWell, I gotta take one of them.
Now, let me see.
642
00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:45,156
She investigates cold cases
and tries to bring a sense of relief
643
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:48,993
and sense to bereaved families.
644
00:38:49,076 --> 00:38:51,704
And, uh, he talks about his dick
in front of drunks.
645
00:38:51,787 --> 00:38:56,500
Now, whoā¦ should I take
off the planet right now?ā
646
00:38:56,584 --> 00:38:59,920
Thatās like looking down and seeing,
like, Louis Pasteur
647
00:39:00,004 --> 00:39:03,591
and the guy who fluffs the donkey
at the Tijuana fuck show.
648
00:39:03,674 --> 00:39:04,842
And youāre like, āWellā¦
649
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:10,848
those donkey dicks arenāt gonna
get hard on their own. I gotta--
650
00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:14,977
Someoneās gonna invent
pasteurization eventually.ā
651
00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:23,194
And then everything failed me.
Everything. Pop culture.
652
00:39:23,277 --> 00:39:27,281
All this shit, all my little escape routes
that I used to go to for comfort--
653
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,576
comic books, science fiction,
film, literature--
654
00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:33,162
all that stuff immediately failed me.
655
00:39:33,245 --> 00:39:36,916
Especially superheroes in comic books.
Out the window.
656
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,961
Every superhero,
all these action heroes I worship,
657
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,756
itās always-- itās always a widower,
658
00:39:43,839 --> 00:39:48,677
someone who has lost a wife
or a child or their whole family.
659
00:39:48,761 --> 00:39:52,056
And they do the thing that everyone does
the minute you lose a loved one.
660
00:39:52,139 --> 00:39:54,850
You know what Iām talking about,
CrossFit and martial arts.
661
00:39:54,934 --> 00:39:57,937
Thatās the first thing you do.
You get really cut.
662
00:39:58,020 --> 00:40:02,691
I mean, look, thatās what I did, guys.
I got right super into tae kwon do.
663
00:40:02,775 --> 00:40:05,277
Look, the-- [chuckles]
664
00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:08,781
And by the way, all these guys--
665
00:40:09,156 --> 00:40:12,076
They have the Batman
and the John Wicks of the world.
666
00:40:12,159 --> 00:40:16,789
Uh, theyāre always shown, like,
standing over their wifeās grave,
667
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:19,542
at night, in the rain,
668
00:40:19,625 --> 00:40:23,421
in a trench coat,
looking grim and focused.
669
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:27,842
And thatās-- Cemeteries close at 6:00.
I know this. Thatās bullshit.
670
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:31,804
If theyāre doing that, that means they
climbed over the fence like an asshole.
671
00:40:33,639 --> 00:40:35,683
There was some guy in the security hut
looking at the monitor,
672
00:40:35,766 --> 00:40:38,352
āThereās that douche bag
climbing over the gate again.
673
00:40:38,894 --> 00:40:41,647
Weāre open nine hours a day.
I donāt know why he comes here at night.
674
00:40:43,149 --> 00:40:45,359
Stand there
with that Offspring song playing.ā
675
00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:48,195
[audience laughing]
676
00:40:51,866 --> 00:40:54,660
Batman especially.
Batman can go fuck himself. That guy--
677
00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:59,748
His-- Heās nine years old, his parents
are gunned down in front of him,
678
00:40:59,832 --> 00:41:03,919
and he travels the world becoming
this superpowered ninja, fighting--
679
00:41:04,003 --> 00:41:07,047
What the-- At best, at best,
680
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:12,303
Bruce Wayne would have grown up to be
Gotham Cityās most annoying slam poet.
681
00:41:12,386 --> 00:41:15,431
That is the best he would have become.
682
00:41:17,057 --> 00:41:21,061
Thatās the best-- He would have been
one of those trust fund--
683
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:23,564
He would have been a fat vegan,
I know that.
684
00:41:23,647 --> 00:41:26,942
He would have been a fat vegan.
You ever see a fat vegan?
685
00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:30,070
-āI thought you said you were a vegan?ā
-āYou know, Oreos donāt have any anim--ā
686
00:41:30,154 --> 00:41:33,574
All right, fuck you right-- [gibberish]
687
00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:41,207
Heād be on stage with his poems,
āBang, bang, in the alley.ā
688
00:41:41,290 --> 00:41:43,083
Everyone, āBoo!ā
689
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:51,509
[sighs]
690
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:55,137
Second worst day of my lifeā¦
691
00:41:56,055 --> 00:41:58,724
was the day that my wife passed away.
692
00:41:58,807 --> 00:42:00,851
That is the second worst day of my life.
693
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:06,732
The worst day of my life was the day after
694
00:42:06,815 --> 00:42:09,360
when I had to tell our daughter.
695
00:42:09,443 --> 00:42:12,571
Uh, my wife passed away
while she was at school,
696
00:42:12,655 --> 00:42:17,034
so in between screaming and vomiting
and freaking out,
697
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:20,162
I talked to the school and told them
what happened and what do I do.
698
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,915
And the principal talked to me.
She was amazing and said,
699
00:42:22,998 --> 00:42:26,210
āShe canāt come home from school
700
00:42:26,293 --> 00:42:29,255
and then you tell her
and then she has to go to bed.
701
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,131
You canāt, like-- Oh, you know--
702
00:42:31,215 --> 00:42:35,469
You canāt send her off into sleep
and that traumaās just hit her.
703
00:42:35,553 --> 00:42:40,182
Tomorrowās Friday. Keep her out of school.
Have a fun daddy-daughter morning.
704
00:42:40,266 --> 00:42:45,604
Then at noon, tell her and then be there
with her while she works through it.
705
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:50,359
Itās gonna be horrible, but just be there.
Give her the day. Do it--ā
706
00:42:50,442 --> 00:42:54,113
She said, āTell her in the sunshine.ā
Thatās how she put it.
707
00:42:54,196 --> 00:42:58,325
So we did it.
In the morning, we went and had fun.
708
00:42:58,409 --> 00:42:59,910
And then, uh--
709
00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:04,498
I sat downā¦ with my daughter,
710
00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:08,335
and I looked-- I looked at my daughter
711
00:43:08,419 --> 00:43:11,046
and destroyed her world.
712
00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:15,467
I had to look at this little girl
713
00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:19,805
that was everything to me
and take everything from her.
714
00:43:19,888 --> 00:43:23,809
And Iāve-- That-- That I--
715
00:43:23,892 --> 00:43:27,771
Thatās gonna be longer for me
to recover from than my wife passing away.
716
00:43:27,855 --> 00:43:29,690
It was horrifying.
717
00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:33,819
And hours and hours later,
after crying and holding her, you know,
718
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:36,947
and I said, āWhatever you need to do,
I will do it.
719
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:40,075
If you donāt wanna go to school
for a month, you donāt have to go.
720
00:43:40,159 --> 00:43:43,454
If you wanna-- Weāll travel anywhere.
Iāll stay here with you.
721
00:43:43,537 --> 00:43:45,623
You know, I canceled everything.
I just wanna be--ā
722
00:43:45,706 --> 00:43:48,751
And then after she calmed down, she said,
723
00:43:48,834 --> 00:43:52,630
āI wanna go to school on Monday.
I wanna go to school on Monday.ā
724
00:43:52,713 --> 00:43:56,759
I realized what she was saying is,
āI want some normalcy.
725
00:43:56,842 --> 00:43:58,427
If my mom were here,
726
00:43:58,510 --> 00:44:00,804
Iād be going to school on Monday,
so Iām gonna go to school on Monday.
727
00:44:00,888 --> 00:44:03,807
Even if itās an illusion,
Iām gonna grab a little bit of that.ā
728
00:44:03,891 --> 00:44:06,560
And I go, āI will take you to school
on Monday. Weāre going.
729
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:08,646
Weāre gonna go, okay?ā
730
00:44:08,729 --> 00:44:13,067
And Monday morning rolls around
and Iām bringing her to school.
731
00:44:13,150 --> 00:44:17,404
And now, I havenāt slept in four days
and Iām bringing my daughter to school.
732
00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:22,451
So, as weāre walking up,
it looked like a junkie had found a kid.
733
00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:30,209
And was just, āShe said the grown-ups
get free apple slices. Is that true?ā
734
00:44:30,292 --> 00:44:31,585
So--
735
00:44:32,753 --> 00:44:34,338
He, um--
736
00:44:35,631 --> 00:44:38,550
And Iām on the edge of hallucination
at this point,
737
00:44:38,634 --> 00:44:40,177
from grief and sleeplessness.
738
00:44:40,260 --> 00:44:43,180
All of her little friends who have been
told over the weekend what happened
739
00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:44,682
and the parents sat down with them,
740
00:44:44,765 --> 00:44:49,269
these adorable six- and seven-year-olds
are coming up and firing questions at me.
741
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:52,064
Not meaning to be mean,
they have no filter. Theyāre little kids.
742
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:55,025
So, Iām surrounded
by these adorable faces saying,
743
00:44:55,109 --> 00:44:58,237
āWhen Aliceās mom died, were you sad?ā
744
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:02,157
Like, just kind of melting,
āYes, I was sad.ā
745
00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:04,785
[forced laughter]
746
00:45:04,868 --> 00:45:07,538
āItās great to talk to children.ā
747
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:16,588
A couple of her friends,
without meaning to, let slip
748
00:45:16,672 --> 00:45:19,466
a little too much about their home lives,
though, in their questions,
749
00:45:19,550 --> 00:45:21,635
which was kind of interesting.
750
00:45:23,053 --> 00:45:25,639
āIs Alice gonna have a stepmom?ā
751
00:45:25,722 --> 00:45:29,268
āIām not really thinking
about that right now. I donāt know.ā
752
00:45:29,351 --> 00:45:31,478
āBecause when my mom and dad
stopped living together,
753
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:33,605
I had a stepmom right away.ā
754
00:45:35,441 --> 00:45:37,651
[audience laughing]
755
00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:44,741
āI bet you did.
756
00:45:46,660 --> 00:45:50,038
Is she teaching you Russian right now,
becauseā¦
757
00:45:53,083 --> 00:45:56,545
I bet sheās not teaching
your mom pilates anymore.ā
758
00:45:56,628 --> 00:45:57,671
All right.
759
00:46:01,967 --> 00:46:03,260
[sighs]
760
00:46:03,343 --> 00:46:06,763
We got through the summer,
which was itās own nightmare.
761
00:46:06,847 --> 00:46:11,518
And then first day of first grade,
which I had to do alone.
762
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:15,022
Normally my wife would go online
and fill out the forms.
763
00:46:15,105 --> 00:46:20,527
I was like, āI canāt. How am I gonna--ā
And I somehow did it.
764
00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:23,822
And Iām walking her up to first grade,
and Iām like,
765
00:46:23,906 --> 00:46:27,576
āI canāt believe I actually--
Thereās lunch in her lunch box.
766
00:46:27,659 --> 00:46:30,746
She has a backpack.
I got her new clothes. Okay.
767
00:46:30,829 --> 00:46:32,915
Maybe I can do this?ā
768
00:46:32,998 --> 00:46:35,792
Um, but it also hit me
as Iām walking her up there.
769
00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:41,006
I had not visited my wifeās grave
since the funeral.
770
00:46:41,089 --> 00:46:42,925
I couldnāt.
I just couldnāt bear to go there.
771
00:46:43,008 --> 00:46:45,427
And Iām like, āYou know what. Goddamn it.
772
00:46:45,511 --> 00:46:49,973
Iām gonna visit Michelleās grave
and Iām gonna sit and talk with her
773
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:54,478
and Iām gonna say, āThis world
need not concern you anymore.
774
00:46:55,187 --> 00:46:58,815
Iāve got it.
You go do whatever you have to do.
775
00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:01,902
Youāre not gone
because I see so much of you in Alice,
776
00:47:01,985 --> 00:47:05,948
and I will keep that healthy
and happy and growing.
777
00:47:06,031 --> 00:47:07,533
Thatās my job now.āā
778
00:47:07,616 --> 00:47:11,328
And I was gonna tell her all of that,
so I go to the cemetery.
779
00:47:11,411 --> 00:47:14,706
10:00 in the morning.
Clear blue-- It was beautiful out.
780
00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:17,918
Thereās a little bench near the headstone
781
00:47:18,001 --> 00:47:20,462
and Iām sitting there
and Iām about to start talking,
782
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,506
telling her this,
āThis world may not concern you.ā
783
00:47:22,589 --> 00:47:24,299
Thirty feet this wayā¦
784
00:47:25,133 --> 00:47:30,973
thereās an Armenian family having
a screaming argument with each other.
785
00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:34,601
And their daughter is, like,
this teen Goth girl, whoās walk--
786
00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,603
I donāt know what this meant, by the way.
787
00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:39,273
She kept pointing
to random parts of the ground,
788
00:47:39,356 --> 00:47:42,025
and the father would just go, āNo!ā
789
00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:44,528
[audience laughing]
790
00:47:45,779 --> 00:47:47,239
Then--
791
00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:51,201
seventy feet straight in front of me,
792
00:47:51,285 --> 00:47:55,080
thereās an adorable Chinese family
793
00:47:55,163 --> 00:47:59,793
all sitting in beach chairs,
eating pizza at a headstone.
794
00:47:59,876 --> 00:48:02,879
And they have a boom box
and they are blaring
795
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:05,716
CĆ©line Dionās āMy Heart Will Go On.ā
796
00:48:08,468 --> 00:48:09,595
Blaring.
797
00:48:09,678 --> 00:48:12,598
Except thereās no real bass,
itās all treble,
798
00:48:12,681 --> 00:48:17,144
so it sounds like itās being performed
on a dentist drill, like itās so--
799
00:48:18,478 --> 00:48:21,189
And Iām sitting there trying to go, like,
800
00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:24,151
āUh, this world may not exist--ā
801
00:48:24,234 --> 00:48:26,695
āNo!ā [humming song]
802
00:48:31,533 --> 00:48:33,410
āYou go-- I see so much of you in--ā
803
00:48:33,493 --> 00:48:36,830
āNo!ā [humming song]
804
00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:44,880
Finally I was, āYouāre a ghost.
Just fly behind me in the fucking car.
805
00:48:44,963 --> 00:48:46,381
Iāll talk to you there. I canāt--
806
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:49,343
This is insane.ā
807
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:55,015
Now I know why superheroes
come here at night. I get it. Okay.
808
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:59,478
I-Iām sorry, Batman. You were right.
You were right.
809
00:49:00,228 --> 00:49:01,521
[grunts]
810
00:49:08,070 --> 00:49:12,157
The most fucked-up part of grieving,
and this doesnāt happen as much as it did
811
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:14,910
in the first few months,
but it still happens--
812
00:49:14,993 --> 00:49:19,164
And they donāt talk about this
in my grief group or in the grief books--
813
00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:23,043
are the days where you very seriously
814
00:49:23,126 --> 00:49:25,712
have hours where you think,
815
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:29,049
āHey, maybe Iām the one thatās dead.ā
816
00:49:29,132 --> 00:49:34,096
What if I died and the horror
of my body dying
817
00:49:34,179 --> 00:49:36,682
was too much for my brain to accept,
818
00:49:36,765 --> 00:49:41,395
so my brain has invented this
fantasy world of the next worse thing.
819
00:49:41,478 --> 00:49:43,522
Which would be my-- And by the way,
820
00:49:43,605 --> 00:49:46,983
beyond my wife passing away,
which is horrible,
821
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:50,529
thereās also really horrific evidence
around me
822
00:49:50,612 --> 00:49:53,615
that I might be dead
and imagining this hellā¦
823
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:57,369
based on what the fuck
is going on around me right nowā¦
824
00:49:58,078 --> 00:49:59,621
in the world, like this is--
825
00:49:59,705 --> 00:50:04,751
If my mind were to invent a hellscape,
it would kind of look like this.
826
00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:09,172
I mean, is this-- I mean--
827
00:50:09,256 --> 00:50:12,509
The flying Razor Bats
with the three-headed genitals
828
00:50:12,592 --> 00:50:16,012
havenāt showed up yet, butā¦ if they do,
829
00:50:16,805 --> 00:50:19,057
someone confirm that theyāre there
is all Iām asking.
830
00:50:22,060 --> 00:50:26,273
Oh, the other awful thingā¦
about when my wife passed away
831
00:50:26,356 --> 00:50:29,317
was that two weeks after she died,
832
00:50:29,401 --> 00:50:34,740
it was the week
leading up to Motherās Day, which--
833
00:50:34,823 --> 00:50:37,743
And Iām like, āOh, my gosh.ā
I called the school and they said,
834
00:50:37,826 --> 00:50:41,329
āOh, you canāt bring her to school.
Sheās gotta go out of school this week.
835
00:50:41,413 --> 00:50:45,542
You gotta take her out of town.
Itās too soon. Go do something fun.ā
836
00:50:45,625 --> 00:50:50,338
And my wife is from Chicago,
so her whole family still lives here.
837
00:50:50,422 --> 00:50:52,841
I have this amazing network of--
838
00:50:52,924 --> 00:50:56,636
Itās a gigantic Irish brood
and theyāre fantastic.
839
00:50:56,720 --> 00:50:59,890
My daughter
has all these amazing cousins and aunts,
840
00:50:59,973 --> 00:51:01,892
so I said,
āWeāre going to Chicago all week,
841
00:51:01,975 --> 00:51:04,311
and youāre gonna have adventures
and running around.ā
842
00:51:04,394 --> 00:51:05,979
And we did. It was fun.
843
00:51:06,062 --> 00:51:09,483
Museums and parks
and sleepovers and all kinds of nuttiness.
844
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:14,196
And she had such a good time,
and I kept her mind off of Motherās Day.
845
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:16,031
I fuckinā did it.
846
00:51:16,114 --> 00:51:19,659
I got to that Sunday, Motherās Day itself,
847
00:51:19,743 --> 00:51:22,871
where Iām, like,
āIām gonna spend Motherās Day,
848
00:51:22,954 --> 00:51:25,290
weāll be at the airport and weāll travel.
849
00:51:25,373 --> 00:51:28,335
And Iāll make that day really fun
and Iāll fill that with adventure.
850
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:30,712
Iāll keep her mind off it all day.
Weāll be home,
851
00:51:30,796 --> 00:51:34,174
and weāll deal with this
all again next year step-by-step.ā
852
00:51:34,257 --> 00:51:38,011
Now weāre at the airport,
weāre walking up to the security gate,
853
00:51:38,094 --> 00:51:40,347
Iām like, āI think I pulled this off.
854
00:51:40,430 --> 00:51:42,307
Here, sweetie, hereās your ticket.
Give her your--ā
855
00:51:42,390 --> 00:51:44,768
She loved to hand up her ticket.
āHere it is.ā
856
00:51:44,851 --> 00:51:47,229
Said, āHereās your ticket.ā
She gives the gate lady her ticket.
857
00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:48,772
I give the gate lady my ticket.
858
00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:52,317
Sheās a very old, sweet Polish woman,
859
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,611
and weāre walking onto the plane.
860
00:51:54,694 --> 00:51:56,571
Just as weāre about to go down the tunnel,
861
00:51:56,655 --> 00:52:00,325
her hand falls on my shoulder
and she says,
862
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:03,912
[with Polish accent]
āI hear what happened to your wife.ā
863
00:52:03,995 --> 00:52:08,750
She looks at Alice, āTo your mother,
to be without your mother on Motherās Day.
864
00:52:08,834 --> 00:52:14,464
I-I-- My mother died when I was your age.
I never get over it.
865
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:17,926
I never-- Iām still so sad.
866
00:52:18,009 --> 00:52:21,054
My father never get over it. It broke him.
867
00:52:21,137 --> 00:52:23,515
He died alone.
868
00:52:23,598 --> 00:52:27,352
But when you are sad,
what I tell myself is
869
00:52:27,435 --> 00:52:30,814
that also there are
so many other sad people.
870
00:52:36,611 --> 00:52:37,946
Okay, have nice flight.ā
871
00:52:41,241 --> 00:52:45,370
We get on the plane and Alice is crying,
Iām crying. It was just this nightmare.
872
00:52:45,453 --> 00:52:49,958
And, you know, ever since then,
every major holiday,
873
00:52:50,041 --> 00:52:55,213
I live in fear that this Polish
woman of doom is just gonnaā¦
874
00:52:56,882 --> 00:52:58,550
fuckinā rear up and just ruin--
875
00:52:58,633 --> 00:53:01,678
Like Halloween this year,
we went trick-or-treating.
876
00:53:01,761 --> 00:53:05,140
Every door I knocked on,
I thought it would open up,
877
00:53:05,223 --> 00:53:08,768
[with Polish accent] āLittle girl! Oh!
878
00:53:08,852 --> 00:53:11,730
Halloween without my mother!
879
00:53:11,813 --> 00:53:13,523
It is the saddest thing.
880
00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:17,485
Everyone thatās dressed as a ghost,
I want to look under the sheet.
881
00:53:17,569 --> 00:53:19,779
Are you my mother under the sheet?
882
00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,698
They never are.
883
00:53:21,781 --> 00:53:24,284
My mother is never under the sheet.
884
00:53:24,367 --> 00:53:27,454
Here is some candy from my country.
885
00:53:27,537 --> 00:53:31,333
It is made from birch bark and ink.
It is called ādonātā!
886
00:53:31,416 --> 00:53:33,752
Oh, little girl!ā
887
00:53:37,339 --> 00:53:40,592
-[applause]
-Take her-- This is funny.
888
00:53:46,348 --> 00:53:49,893
Take her to the mall at Christmas.
Put her on Santaās lap, beard comes off,
889
00:53:49,976 --> 00:53:52,938
[with Polish accent] āIt is me! Oh!
890
00:53:53,021 --> 00:53:58,360
Christmas without my mother
is the saddest thing in the world.
891
00:53:58,443 --> 00:53:59,569
Donāt you agree?
892
00:53:59,653 --> 00:54:04,074
Every stocking is hung
by the chimney with tragedy!
893
00:54:07,035 --> 00:54:11,539
There will never be a walnut
or a tangerine in the toe.
894
00:54:11,623 --> 00:54:13,959
Oh, little girl!
895
00:54:17,295 --> 00:54:19,798
The loneliness pushed my father
896
00:54:19,881 --> 00:54:23,969
into a spectrum of sexuality
called beyond gay.
897
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:28,932
Little girl!ā
898
00:54:38,274 --> 00:54:40,485
Fuckinā-- [chuckles]
899
00:54:40,568 --> 00:54:44,823
Arbor Day. āIām in the tree.ā
All right, okay, fine. Now goddamn it.
900
00:54:44,906 --> 00:54:45,991
[sighs]
901
00:54:47,701 --> 00:54:52,288
Yes, Arbor Day without my mother.
902
00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:56,042
Jesus Christ. [chuckles]
903
00:54:59,796 --> 00:55:02,007
Halloween especially.
Thatās my daughterās favorite holiday.
904
00:55:02,090 --> 00:55:05,468
Mine too. We love Halloween.
And this-- one of the things--
905
00:55:05,552 --> 00:55:07,971
My daughter is friends
with this really sweet girl
906
00:55:08,054 --> 00:55:13,643
who goes to a painfully progressive
elementary school in Los Feliz.
907
00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:16,813
Theyāre very nice, but itās a little much.
Itās a little--
908
00:55:16,896 --> 00:55:19,691
āHey, we donāt have any walls here, man.
909
00:55:19,774 --> 00:55:21,526
And, uh--
910
00:55:21,609 --> 00:55:24,237
Like, we donāt give out Aās or Fās.
911
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:28,992
Like, instead of an A,
we give out a drawing of a pomegranate.
912
00:55:29,075 --> 00:55:31,786
And instead of an F,
913
00:55:31,870 --> 00:55:35,874
itās a picture
of a smiling, frowning, possum.
914
00:55:35,957 --> 00:55:41,129
And then we try to ask,
āHow could you make the possum not frown?ā
915
00:55:41,212 --> 00:55:43,173
And we have--ā Oh, shut the fuck--
916
00:55:43,256 --> 00:55:48,511
Butā¦ they do do a really cool
Halloween carnival every year.
917
00:55:48,595 --> 00:55:52,348
And the kids put it on,
so itās very, very handmade and charming.
918
00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:56,478
And my favorite part is,
they do this haunted house.
919
00:55:56,561 --> 00:56:00,106
And the kids put on the haunted house,
so itās very, very basic.
920
00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:02,901
Itās just-- They make a maze
with garbage bags.
921
00:56:02,984 --> 00:56:05,236
You go down the maze
and a ghost goes, āBoo!ā
922
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:09,157
Then thereās-- And my daughter loves it,
even though sheās terrified.
923
00:56:09,240 --> 00:56:12,619
Like, she wants to go in, and then
I carry her and she hides her face.
924
00:56:12,702 --> 00:56:16,039
And sheās hiding her face,
but then I hear her laughing.
925
00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:19,542
[stammers] And Iāve been taking her
since she was three.
926
00:56:19,626 --> 00:56:22,378
Um, this past yearā¦
927
00:56:24,130 --> 00:56:27,759
some of the adults decided to help out
on the haunted house,
928
00:56:27,842 --> 00:56:32,055
so me and Alice and a bunch of other kids,
we go into the haunted house,
929
00:56:32,138 --> 00:56:35,767
and the first thing that happens
is a woman dressed as a witch
930
00:56:35,850 --> 00:56:40,688
pops out and says,
āIāve killed Harry Potter!ā
931
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:43,066
[audience laughing]
932
00:56:44,984 --> 00:56:49,531
And all of the kids go, āWhaa!ā
933
00:56:49,614 --> 00:56:51,491
Immediately start crying.
934
00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:56,079
And then the witch realized, like,
935
00:56:56,162 --> 00:56:59,457
āNo, but heās not really dead.
He used an amulet to trick me.
936
00:56:59,541 --> 00:57:04,045
Youāll see at the end. Thereās a story
if you go through the maze. Youāll see--ā
937
00:57:04,129 --> 00:57:07,841
So they decided to add
a fucking story element,
938
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:10,426
which you canāt do in a haunted house.
939
00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:12,679
Itās just shit popping out.
940
00:57:12,762 --> 00:57:17,684
Thereās a werewolf and a ghost and--
Instead, we went into a room
941
00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:21,855
and then adults came out
and just pitched us shitty movie sequels.
942
00:57:23,148 --> 00:57:26,776
That was the haunted house.
The house of shitty movie sequels.
943
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:31,281
āWhat if the Titanic didnāt sink?
Now follow me on this.
944
00:57:31,364 --> 00:57:33,116
If the--ā [groans]
945
00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:40,999
And I was bummed out
because that haunted house,
946
00:57:41,082 --> 00:57:43,418
the first time I took Alice
when she was three,
947
00:57:43,501 --> 00:57:47,213
I saw one of the scariest things
I have ever seen.
948
00:57:47,297 --> 00:57:49,591
And I go to some of those professional,
you know,
949
00:57:49,674 --> 00:57:52,969
āItās the massacre corn maze,ā
or some kind of--
950
00:57:53,052 --> 00:57:55,638
This was put on by kindergartners
and it scared--
951
00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:57,807
Okay, so again,
weāre going through the maze,
952
00:57:57,891 --> 00:58:01,728
and a ghost pops out and a witch--
[witchās laugh]
953
00:58:01,811 --> 00:58:05,732
And so the last corner that you turn,
954
00:58:05,815 --> 00:58:09,360
thereās a long hallway,
at the end of the hallway is the exit.
955
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:13,740
So when I turn the corner,
at the end of this long hallway,
956
00:58:13,823 --> 00:58:16,034
thereās a single red lightbulb.
957
00:58:16,117 --> 00:58:20,705
And underneath the lightbulb,
a kindergartner had gotten lost.
958
00:58:21,998 --> 00:58:26,294
And the kindergartner was wearing
an adult monster mask
959
00:58:26,377 --> 00:58:29,923
thatās on him at this crazy tilt.
960
00:58:30,006 --> 00:58:33,510
So, Iām just holding Alice,
961
00:58:33,593 --> 00:58:36,721
and at this point, Iām being the dad,
like, āWhoa, there goes the witch.
962
00:58:36,804 --> 00:58:39,474
Oh, look at the ghosts. Here we go.ā
[chuckles]
963
00:58:39,557 --> 00:58:43,645
I turn the corner and I see this thing
at the end of the hall,
964
00:58:43,728 --> 00:58:45,438
just this little like--
965
00:58:51,611 --> 00:58:55,114
I almost shit my pants off.
966
00:58:55,198 --> 00:58:57,951
Like, āBoom!ā Iāve never--
967
00:58:58,826 --> 00:59:03,414
Holy fuck, it was so unnerving
just this shape.
968
00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:06,000
Even the werewolf popped out,
Iām like, āGet out of here.
969
00:59:06,084 --> 00:59:07,585
Thereās a real demon right there.ā
970
00:59:13,007 --> 00:59:15,385
I have friends
who run professional haunted houses.
971
00:59:15,468 --> 00:59:17,011
Save your money.
972
00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:21,224
Get a bunch of kids,
fill them with Skittles.
973
00:59:21,307 --> 00:59:24,894
Put adult monster masks on.
Let them wander around.
974
00:59:24,978 --> 00:59:29,232
The feces fumes coming offā¦ of your thing
975
00:59:29,315 --> 00:59:31,359
will replenish the ozone layer.
976
00:59:38,491 --> 00:59:41,578
Iām pitching movies.
Still pitching movies every now and then.
977
00:59:41,661 --> 00:59:44,455
I still do it.
I wanna write a movie and get it made.
978
00:59:44,539 --> 00:59:47,959
Thatās one of my dreams. But I wanna be--
But I wanna be like--
979
00:59:49,002 --> 00:59:51,087
I wanna write something original and new,
980
00:59:51,170 --> 00:59:54,007
and thereās nothing more demoralizing
than pitching a movie,
981
00:59:54,090 --> 00:59:59,554
because you will always reference
other movies when you pitch a movie.
982
00:59:59,637 --> 01:00:02,682
And you feel so uncreative when you do it.
983
01:00:02,765 --> 01:00:05,351
Like, āSo, at the beginning,
uh, the office,
984
01:00:05,435 --> 01:00:09,147
I want the same kind of energy as
The Newsroom and All the Presidentās Men.
985
01:00:09,230 --> 01:00:11,941
With all the background dialogue.ā
Youāre like, āIām a fucking idiot.ā
986
01:00:12,942 --> 01:00:18,364
So just once, I would love to go in
and pitch a childrenās movie,
987
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:23,578
like a G-rated movie,
but only reference hard-core porn
988
01:00:23,661 --> 01:00:28,166
when Iām describing the scene,
as if everyone in the room has seen it.
989
01:00:30,084 --> 01:00:32,378
So, Iām like, āOh, yeah,
this is gonna be a really fun movie.
990
01:00:32,462 --> 01:00:35,965
Um, I love
the first We Love Ice Cream movies.
991
01:00:36,049 --> 01:00:40,094
Uh, so this is We Love Ice Cream 4.
And what I wanna have happen is--
992
01:00:40,178 --> 01:00:42,847
So, remember the little kid
in We Love Ice Cream, the first one?
993
01:00:42,930 --> 01:00:44,724
Now heās grown up
and heās going to college.
994
01:00:44,807 --> 01:00:46,851
He doesnāt wanna run
the old ice-cream shop.
995
01:00:46,934 --> 01:00:51,397
Heās got all these dreams. He wants
to get out there in the world and do it.
996
01:00:51,481 --> 01:00:54,817
Um, but then his dad has that stroke,
and heās like,
997
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:58,321
āOh, my gosh,
do I just let the ice-cream store close
998
01:00:58,404 --> 01:01:00,657
or do I go out
and follow the dream I wanna do.ā
999
01:01:00,740 --> 01:01:03,242
Weāre gonna have that moment
in the first act where he decides,
1000
01:01:03,326 --> 01:01:06,454
āYes, Iām gonna run this ice-cream store.ā
1001
01:01:06,537 --> 01:01:09,832
And I want that kind of--
Remember in Marines Donāt Kiss,
1002
01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:12,293
whereās sheās getting--
sheās blowing the dude
1003
01:01:12,377 --> 01:01:15,129
and the other dude is underneath her
and heās fucking her.
1004
01:01:15,213 --> 01:01:18,841
Then the third guy wants to ass-fuck her
and fill all of her holes, right?
1005
01:01:18,925 --> 01:01:22,428
And you could see it in their face,
āYeah, fuck me in the ass.ā
1006
01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:28,309
Like that same confidence of
that Iām gonna-- as in that scene, yeah.
1007
01:01:28,393 --> 01:01:33,106
That will propel us into the second act
when all these bills are piling up,
1008
01:01:33,189 --> 01:01:35,400
and he just, āMy God.
How am I gonna keep the store open?
1009
01:01:35,483 --> 01:01:38,611
And my career is going away.
Thereās no way I can pay for all this.
1010
01:01:38,695 --> 01:01:42,156
And itās just gonna be this burden,
just this huge--ā
1011
01:01:42,240 --> 01:01:44,909
Remember in Yank My Doodle,
Itās a Dandy, whenā¦
1012
01:01:46,369 --> 01:01:49,747
the, um, all the guys
are just jerking off on her back.
1013
01:01:49,831 --> 01:01:54,711
Sheās on all fours in the hotel room
and then--
1014
01:01:54,794 --> 01:01:58,965
But you can tell like, ācause she just has
that lake of cum on her back, so just--
1015
01:01:59,048 --> 01:02:02,969
I want him to have that,
just feel that same burden
1016
01:02:03,052 --> 01:02:04,887
as the lake of cum thatās on her back.
1017
01:02:04,971 --> 01:02:10,101
āHow will I run this ice-cream store?ā
You know like that. āOh, my gosh.ā
1018
01:02:10,184 --> 01:02:13,062
Um, but then, and then ironically
in the third act,
1019
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:17,567
we find out that the stained glass window
on the second floor of the family home
1020
01:02:17,650 --> 01:02:20,987
is actually this priceless heirloom
worth like half a million dollars.
1021
01:02:21,070 --> 01:02:24,449
Thatās gonna pay off the mortgage
and help him hire people so he can--
1022
01:02:24,532 --> 01:02:30,329
So ironically, the whole solution
was there right in the opening scene.
1023
01:02:30,413 --> 01:02:31,998
It was there right from the beginning.
1024
01:02:32,081 --> 01:02:37,670
Like, remember Hungry White Asses
Filled with Angry Black Dicks, Part 4?
1025
01:02:37,754 --> 01:02:41,215
No, no, part-- Iām sorry.
Iām so stupid, Part 3,
1026
01:02:41,299 --> 01:02:44,385
when she gets hired to find the guy
1027
01:02:44,469 --> 01:02:47,889
with the question-mark-shaped mole
at the base of his cock,
1028
01:02:47,972 --> 01:02:49,932
and she sucks off everybody.
1029
01:02:50,016 --> 01:02:52,602
She sucks off the delivery guy,
the pool boy, the pizza guy.
1030
01:02:52,685 --> 01:02:54,562
Just dick, dick, dick. Suck, suck, suck.
1031
01:02:54,645 --> 01:02:57,648
Just fucking every direction.
Just dicks going into her mouth.
1032
01:02:57,732 --> 01:03:01,152
And then, oh, it was the fucking guy
that hired her in the beginning.
1033
01:03:01,235 --> 01:03:04,614
So, they come full circle.
Itās that, you know, like--
1034
01:03:04,697 --> 01:03:09,327
And you feel that same relief of,
āOh, that was the dick right there.ā
1035
01:03:11,204 --> 01:03:15,249
You want me to write up a treatment?
I think it sounds really fun.
1036
01:03:15,333 --> 01:03:16,584
[applause]
1037
01:03:16,667 --> 01:03:18,961
No? We could--ā
1038
01:03:26,344 --> 01:03:28,554
Thatās a weird bit to end this set on,
isnāt it?
1039
01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:35,269
That was a bit I was always working on
and I could never make it work.
1040
01:03:35,353 --> 01:03:39,440
And it always cracked Michelle up
because she loved shit
1041
01:03:39,524 --> 01:03:43,736
that was so filthy and rude
and goofy like that.
1042
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:48,032
And right now, Iām still wounded
and Iām healing,
1043
01:03:48,115 --> 01:03:51,160
but thereās people out there,
especially the people in power.
1044
01:03:51,244 --> 01:03:53,371
Iām sorry to get--
Iāll leave you with this.
1045
01:03:53,454 --> 01:03:56,582
Thereās people that wanna create wounds
that will not heal.
1046
01:03:56,666 --> 01:03:59,085
Thatās the turn-on for them, so just--
1047
01:03:59,168 --> 01:04:04,423
Iām just gonna end this
by quoting Michelle Eileen McNamara,
1048
01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:07,844
āItās chaos. Be kind.ā
1049
01:04:07,927 --> 01:04:09,345
Thank you. Good night.
1050
01:04:09,428 --> 01:04:11,848
[applause, whistling]
1051
01:04:18,145 --> 01:04:22,650
āŖ I sailed a wild, wild sea
Climbed up a tall, tall mountain āŖ
1052
01:04:22,733 --> 01:04:26,988
āŖ I met an old, old man
Beneath the weeping willow tree āŖ
1053
01:04:27,071 --> 01:04:31,868
āŖ He said now if youāve got some questions
Go and lay them at my feet āŖ
1054
01:04:31,951 --> 01:04:35,830
āŖ But my time here is brief
So youāll have to pick just three āŖ
1055
01:04:35,913 --> 01:04:42,003
āŖ And I said what do you do
With the pieces of a broken heart āŖ
1056
01:04:45,464 --> 01:04:51,429
āŖ And how can a man like me
Remain in the light āŖ
1057
01:04:54,390 --> 01:04:58,769
āŖ And if life is really
As short as they say āŖ
1058
01:04:58,853 --> 01:05:02,690
āŖ Then why is the night so long āŖ
1059
01:05:02,773 --> 01:05:08,988
āŖ And then the sun went down
And he sang for me this song āŖ
1060
01:05:12,241 --> 01:05:16,329
āŖ See, I once was a young fool like you āŖ
1061
01:05:17,496 --> 01:05:21,459
āŖ Afraid to do the things
That I knew I had to do āŖ
1062
01:05:21,542 --> 01:05:24,962
āŖ So I played an escapade just like you āŖ
1063
01:05:26,380 --> 01:05:30,635
āŖ I played an escapade just like you āŖ
1064
01:05:30,718 --> 01:05:35,222
āŖ I sailed a wild, wild sea
Climbed up a tall, tall mountain āŖ
1065
01:05:35,306 --> 01:05:39,435
āŖ I met an old, old man
He sat beneath the sapling tree āŖ
1066
01:05:39,518 --> 01:05:44,231
āŖ He said now if youāve got some questions
Go and lay them at my feet āŖ
1067
01:05:44,315 --> 01:05:48,152
āŖ But my time here is brief
So youāll have to pick just three āŖ
1068
01:05:48,235 --> 01:05:54,200
āŖ And I said what do you do
With the pieces of a broken heart āŖ
1069
01:05:57,828 --> 01:06:03,668
āŖ And how can a man like me
Remain in the light āŖ
1070
01:06:06,712 --> 01:06:10,967
āŖ And if life is really
As short as they say āŖ
1071
01:06:11,050 --> 01:06:12,969
āŖ Then why is the night-- āŖ
94883