Original subtitles

Fellow citizens of the galaxy, I do not belong on this planet.

I am one of you.

I am being held against my will.

My potential to realize a happy and fulfilled life nullified by the ignorant

cruel indigenous population of Earth.

You must save me.

Take me away from this.

Desperately in need of your assistance.

Mike Pillsbury.

were a peaceful race.

They were little pink people with long pointy ears.

And they lived on a planet far beyond the Milky Way. A planet with two moons

a purple sun.

There was no war, no hunger, nothing to be ticked off about.

Until the day the Jongs attacked.

Thousands of spaceships bristling with force fields and weapons surrounded the

planet. The Hansels looked up. They knew nothing would ever be the same. They

knew most of them would be doomed.

Doomed?

Doomed.

What happened?

The Hansels were unprepared and quickly overrun.

There was blind panic.

The parents tried to save their children.

This is too sad.

It gets worse.

What? What happened? You can't stop now.

I don't know if you can take it, Jay. This is hard stuff.

They say a person's life flashes before their eyes before the final moment.

The father thought of his family, and then...

Where to go? What to do?

Only one thought screamed out in the mother's brain.

Save the baby!

Yes, yes!

Save the baby!

Oh, come on, Mike! Is she gonna die?

I told you it was gonna get bad.

You're giving the guy a mental breakdown.

I admit it, it's a good story, isn't it?

He'd think so.

Oh, yeah, sure, what a judge.

He thinks the back of a cereal box is like Shakespeare.

Shut up!

Do they die, the Hansels?

Did you kill them?

Ah, it's never that simple.

A space pod!

Yes, a space pod.

If the baby was to live, it had to be sent away to a new home, a new planet.

Where does it land?

Here on Earth.

The boy will be adopted and raised as an earthling.

But... He'll never really feel at home.

He'll never... He'll never feel like he belongs.

He'll never feel as though this is the place he was meant to spend his life.

I'll tell you something. You take this being weird thing entirely too

Why don't you just accept the fact that you're a normal human being like

everyone else?

All right, all right.

Mike!

Let's go!

Mike! Come on, come on. We've got to get to the field by four.

All right, one second, Dad.

Easy for him to say.

Oh, he was on the team when he was a kid.

Yeah, and guys like Scott Schreidner probably ran him over then just like

do to you now.

He says it's discipline and competitive spirit.

It says it'll be good for my character.

Great defense work, Pillsbury. Tell me, is the idea that the oncoming tackle

trips over you? I missed that, Scheibner. Did he? No, you missed him.

first down.

mind off the cheerleaders Pillsbury. For you that's a lost cause.

I think they already took it.

How's he doing? You going to be all right?

Okay, let's go.

Is he dead?

Can I have a CD collection?

He's not dead, are you, son? No, you're not. And you will learn from your

mistakes. Oh, we're awfully proud of you, Mike. Well, that cannot be

overemphasized, Mike.

You'll never claim your varsity jacket by trying to score touchdowns for the

other team.

Remember the three L's.

Listen, look.

Learn. Good luck, son. We love you.

Make a correction 27 degrees west, 35 degrees

north.

Mike?

Mike, honey?

Mike, can I get a little air time here?

Oh, yeah, sure, Mom.

Cancel correction.

Okay, we've got a vector. Yeah, I see a picture.

Now, is he seeing the same image I am?

Good.

Well, okay, but before you pack them through, let's make sure we're on the

page with this, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah. No, it's nothing the subtitles won't solve.

Hi, Mom.

Yeah. Okay, we'll put them through. Hi, sweetie.

about my welfare?

No, just the health of your head. What do you want, Jill?

I could have guessed.

Come on, I need a pass of computer class.

What is a bio -service routine?

A bio -service routine is nothing more than an interrupt handler.

Basically, PCs are controlled by the use of interrupts.

When an interrupt occurs, control of the computer is transferred to an interrupt

handling subroutine process that's also stored in the system's ROM.

Bioservice routine.

Are you sure?

Does a Tesseract exist in four dimensions?

You are definitely from another planet.

Ha ha.

Fantastic.

Rise and shine, AT &T, and how are we today?

Mike!

Mike, are you in there?

Huh? I just went from stocks to stockyards. What gives?

Oh, sorry.

I needed the extra RAM for a little programming project.

I'm using this new graphics card that I tweaked a bit and...

and now it just eats up memory like a gopereel.

Ooh.

Son, you need more fresh air.

I'm going to climb out from under the office, and you and I, we're going to

practice some football moves, huh?

Dad.

Dad, um... I don't know about football anymore.

Maybe it's not for me.

Mike, I don't want to hear the word can't. Did I say can't?

I have faith in you. No, no, you can do anything you put your mind to, including

running down the field of that halfback.

Hopefully in the right direction.

Thanks, Dad. I know, but I just don't think it's... No buts about it.

Anything, Mike.

That's the word for the day.

Anything.

Okay. Anything.

Anything.

So how about running up those farm animals and...

Giving me back my stock market? Sure.

Amazing. A physical reaction.

He's alive.

Scott Schreiber, big man on campus.

Muscles, good -looking athlete, computer whiz.

How perfect can a guy get?

Oh, it's nauseating.

Too bad he's a perfect jerk.

Everybody, up!

Miss Nickerson.

There's a seat here for you, if you want. Thank you.

Oh, thanks.

to page 268, paragraph 5.

Now, please.

You're gonna let him get away with that?

Yes! Do it, Mike! Make him suffer!

You have mail.

Class, it appears that I have to attend to something in the office.

If you'll excuse me.

Now for the coup de grace.

Borders from the junks, the mantics invaded.

Not from the sky, but from the ground under our feet.

Whoa. The intruders were unarmed except for the nasty mucus glands in their

pointed snouts.

They slimed us into submission.

That is so nasty.

With everything else you've stuffed in this place, you think you would have

installed a stupid phone.

It's designed for privacy.

Uh, you've got a visitor.

Caitlin somebody.

Yeah, right.

You wish, Mike.

Be that way. I don't care.

Oh, um, she's waiting in your room.

Man, your sister has a sick sense of humor. Right, like Caitlin Sandman's

to come to my house and wait in my room.

Yeah, and Scott Schreiber's on his way to ask for your advice on how to be a

better football player.

But you're an interesting person.

What if she really is there, waiting for a story?

It's like Frankenstein's lab in here. Did you build all these?

It's kind of what I do in my spare time.

And you're not playing football?

I'm better at stuff when I'm on my own.

The whole team thing kind of confuses me, I guess.

I noticed.

What does this do?

This?

It's a transmitter.

Kind of.

It takes digitalized data right through here, like anything from a computer, and

it sends it out instantly.

Zap! Right out into space, to the farthest reaches of the universe, beyond

and imagination.

Wow. How did you think of that?

Thinking of it's easy.

Making it work seems to be a bit more complicated.

Sure looks like it'd work.

So, uh, why are you here?

Oh. The prank you pulled in Nickerson's class was brilliant.

It got me thinking.

About what?

Well, I'm doing the decorations for the Halloween dance.

I don't have a huge budget or anything, but I know if I just put up orange crepe

paper, it'll be a dud.

So I want something new, something high -tech, creative.

You're the man to help me do it.

The man?

I am me?

Wow. The next time.

Yeah. Why not? Definitely. Absolutely.

So that means yes?

Yes.

Thank you.

You're a genius. It's going to work?

We make such a great team.

Who'd have thought?

What do you mean?

What's so surprising about it?

I don't know. You're, you know, Caitlin Sandman, head cheerleader and

everything.

I'm just Mike Pillsbury.

You know, for being such a genius, you sure are an idiot.

So people say you tell great stories.

When are you going to tell me one?

Uh, no, no, no, no. That's nothing.

It's just stuff I tell my friend's little brother to pass the time.

Well, I've got some time now.

Our spaceship was over a mile long and half that wide.

It was built for a long journey.

The adults always looked ahead for a safe voyage, and behind for the evil...

Shrivener.

Been looking all over for you, Caitlin.

Bunch of us are on our way out for something to eat. You want to come?

Yeah, sure, let's take a break.

Come on, you must be hungry.

Did I invite him?

I don't think so.

Hey, who said I'd go with you anyway, Shrivener?

I'm busy, you know. I don't have time like you to stuff myself with some

hamburger. But you know what? Go ahead. Put on a few. Clock up your arteries.

Graduate from half -back to full -back. Shut up, Pillsbury.

What are you doing with this guy?

What is all this junk? It's not junk, okay?

And it's all under control without you.

Hey, hey.

Tell everyone I say hi.

Okay?

Nothing like the dreaded Shriver to get your blood boiling, huh?

What?

Nothing.

Nothing, just... Shriver, I would have thought you'd have gone, but

you didn't.

Forget it.

I should probably stop speaking right now.

Oh, I agree.

You should stop speaking.

You know, strangely enough, I'm hungry.

You know, strangely enough, so am I.

Let's go.

Caitlin ropes Pillsbury into help on this stupid dance.

All of a sudden he's got a swelled head.

Time to cut him down to size if you ask me.

And... I think... I know how.

I've seen it all. He's soldering his cummerbund. Shut up. Kids, please.

You know, your mother and I realized something.

In all the chaos of our day -to -day life, we never sent you to dance

Dad, I don't think... Now, this is a little something that I distributed to a

chain of stations throughout the Canary Islands and for closed circuit on cruise

ships. Ten.

Easy. Lessons.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

I saw my cummerbund.

Do you like it?

Pretty nifty.

Mike? Mike, where are you?

Take a hideaway, Caitlin. I'm here, I'm here. Mike, hey.

Quick, we don't have much time. Let's go.

It'll only take a minute to boot up. Okay.

Mike, before all this begins, I just want to say that I had so much fun doing

this with you.

Me too.

So can you put this thing on autopilot so we have a chance to dance?

Actually, that's just a matter of two keystrokes.

Okay. Hurry.

Hurry.

Testing, testing.

Testing, testing, testing. Check, check.

Okay. From the speaker on six. Right.

All right.

That should be okay.

Oh. CDs. Right. Okay.

Right. Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

All right. Who's opening up?

We're ready.

before we begin.

Quiet. Quiet, please.

This production was brought to you by Mike Pillsbury, Starfield Intergalactic

Communications and Entertainment Corporation.

That's me.

As well as the talented and inspirational Caitlin Sandman, who first

with the idea that orange crepe paper just won't make it.

write your decision peace and equality let's stay together let's live in

I do not belong on this planet.

I am one of you.

I am being held against my will.

My potential to realize a happy and fulfilled life nullified by the ignorant

cruel indigenous population of Earth.

You must save me.

Take me away from this.

Desperately in need of your assistance.

Mike Pillsbury.

destroyed satellite dish. Uh -huh.

You're still alive.

And none of the kids at the dance were hurt. Right? Right? I just can't face

anybody.

Mike, you're overreacting.

Excuse me? It's good that he suffers.

This family is now reduced to a paltry choice of ordinary network programming.

That's true, but somehow I know we'll survive.

Mike, I want you to get right back up on that horse.

Put on those pants, brush those teeth, go back to school.

That's right. That's it, hon.

Your varsity jacket awaits.

Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, the least you could do is help me with my homework.

The speed of train A is 12 miles an hour slower than train B. Train A...

I've lost my will to solve.

Um... What?

Nothing.

Hey. Where did you come from?

How did you get in here, boy?

Please don't touch.

My people are a superior race, and we abhor casual contact with primitives.

You talk?

Through my translating device, yes.

This is not happening. My mind has finally snapped.

I'm afraid you're quite sane and gifted with an abundant intelligence.

You do talk.

Otherwise, you wouldn't have been able to open the door. Door?

The Stargate.

Stargate.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Barnabas from the star system Puppis.

Oh, boy.

I represent a galactarian organization, Disaster Relief.

Rights violations?

Non -profit, of course.

I'm hallucinating.

If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go lie down. But that's impossible, Mike

Pillsbury. We have to go.

Go? Where?

Off this planet.

Off this planet? That was your intention, wasn't it? When you sent the

You got it. Of course.

And the longer we delay the departure, the more complex it all becomes.

Well...

I really appreciate you coming all this way and all, but I don't believe you

exist.

I gotta go.

Mike Pillsbury, you were the one who pleaded that you were trapped on an

oppressive planet.

How did you get down here?

Don't delay, Mike Pillsbury.

Others from all over the galaxy are traveling through the gate to find you.

They won't have your best interests at heart.

Excuse me.

Please! Trust no one but me.

Be ready to leave the next time I see you.

I'm delirious.

Or maybe I'm just hungry.

Stacks.

I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming.

I'm dreaming.

What are you?

I am the bone.

Your new best friend.

You need my help, Mike Pillsbury. And I've come to handle your case.

Case? What case?

I can get you millions in galactic credits. You will be taken care of for

Shall we?

Well... Excuse me.

Hello? Mike, it's Caitlin.

Caitlin?

What a surprise. I thought you... We... What's up?

I wanted to apologize.

We need to lighten up.

We're taking this too far.

Yes, right.

Gotta lighten up.

I can do that.

It wasn't your fault.

It's disgusting.

Mike? I'm here.

Sorry. What were you saying?

I was saying that I haven't been very fair to you.

It's, uh, a plumber. A plumber.

The bathroom's all backed up. It's incredible.

Yeah.

I wanted to say that I miss you. And I hope there's some way we can be friends

again. I think we have a good time going on.

Then the funnier it is to me and the less I care.

Well, I wanted to know if we could start over.

and shot case against the Earth government.

What are you talking about?

Lawsuit, my dear boy. The intergalactic statute is black and white. No life form

of superior intelligence shall be subject to exposure to substandard...

touch it.

...environmental, psychological, or emotional life...

Anybody? See, see, I was upset and I had this idea that I called for help, but I

never thought... You never thought what?

I never thought you guys would really come.

I think your son -

He called himself a bone. He was an alien.

Oh, oh, and there's Barnabas. He looks like a dog, but he's not a dog. He's an

alien, too.

He had this... What?

What?

You puked up your room, and now you've got to make up a story. It's not a

Come on. He was here.

He used a Stargate.

Oh.

That's unoriginal.

Yeah, yeah.

It looked just like a drainpipe.

It's right out of there.

A drainpipe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not lying. It's the truth. Come on. You got to believe me.

You got me worried, man.

It's gotten so bad that you can't tell the difference between real life and

own imagination.

No. No, no, Nick. Come on. Give me some slack. I wouldn't make this up. Come on,

Nick. Don't. Don't go.

Nick. I'll see you guys tomorrow, okay? And we'll make some plans for what to do

next weekend.

Thanks for helping us. Thanks for coming.

Pillsbury, I don't mean to nag, but we've really got to go.

I can't just take off on a spaceship for some distant planet.

I freaked out at sleepaway camp.

Sorry.

I don't understand you.

Why are you walking off right when we need to talk? That doesn't make any

You sent out a galactic wide call for help without having thought it through.

I'm sorry. Kids feel desperate sometimes.

Then I got some talking dog and some sly bucket alien lawyer. I don't even know

how this happened. What lawyer?

You said he was a bone.

Bone? The bone was here already?

Oh, I was afraid of this.

Mike Pillsbury, you have opened up a can of worms.

Can of worms? When you sent out your call, you also signaled to the universe

that this planet has advanced to a certain technological level.

That's good.

That's bad.

Because of what you've done, Earth no longer falls under the intergalactic

protection for primitive life.

Oh, no, no, no. You don't understand.

The whole thing was an accident. Lightning hit the dish. I don't even

it really worked, okay? But it did.

And no one will believe that you had no control over it.

I can see what your life has become.

You're disgusted, fed up with people.

I can take you to a place where you can be yourself.

Be by yourself.

Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

But first I have to tie up some loose ends.

I'd like to say goodbye to someone, if you don't mind.

The girl?

If you must.

I'll return when you're ready.

Taitlin! Could I talk to you for a minute?

Caitlin?

I tried calling you to make things right and you were rude.

No, no, no. That wasn't me. You were rude and disgusting.

I'm sorry, but... I don't understand how you could come here.

What could you possibly want?

A second chance.

I'll be down in a second, but Mike, this is your last chance.

I wonder if you could spare a few moments of your time.

I have an interesting proposition for you.

I would like to be your agent and represent you for all media throughout

galaxy, Mike Pillsbury.

Excuse

me.

Let her go.

What did you tell her?

Don't worry. She'll be fine.

We need to go somewhere more private.

Carried to another world where you must start anew.

An immigrant of galactic proportions.

Your character will be a creature carving out a new life on a world light

from his home.

Will he return?

Will he find love?

Redemption? All stories must have redemption.

Stop it!

All right.

What do you want? If we marry with the proper creative element...

He would love you just as much.

You're not adopted. He's not adopted.

He told me he's adopted.

Jill, stop it.

Sure you did. Admit it. The guy came from another planet and you took him in.

Jill.

Right away they took you to a plastic surgeon to get rid of your antennae.

Jill, what do we say about empathy?

Okay. Well, could I have been switched at the hospital?

Sure. It's entirely possible. In fact... The day you were born, the hospital was

inundated with ugly babies.

Jill. They couldn't tell one from another. Jill, please.

He's gone through separation anxiety, the classic adolescent struggle to pull

away from one's parents.

Mike, honey, why would you think you're switched to birth?

I will be happy to show you your birth certificate.

And, yes, you are a human being.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

Hey, Mike.

Mike, it's me, Nick. Remember me? Oh, hey.

Sorry.

You're a wreck.

Well, it's been hard to sleep with everything that's been going on.

What's been going on?

Aliens. Oh, aliens.

Come on, I told you. Have I ever told you about my Uncle Luther? He was

convinced that a Martian took up residence in the tank of his toilet.

That's entirely possible.

Yeah, but if everyone else looked in the toilet tank and saw plumbing... What

does that make Uncle Luther? I'm not crazy.

We need a vacation.

Hang in there.

Thanksgiving's not that far away.

By that time, it'll probably be light years.

Have you heard anything I've said about the value of reality?

You need a friend, Pillsbury.

Tell you you're making a terrible mistake in leaving planet Earth.

Because I'd like to give you the exclusive franchise to market the one,

only, Sharmonica!

What does it do, you may ask?

You can slice with it. You can dice with it. You can grate any vegetable in the

known universe.

Don't let him dice you up.

The point is to dice someone else up.

Make someone pay.

Hey, the show is just beginning.

Look, we'll diversify into merchandising. The only Earth's primary

Silk screen t -shirts. You're based on breakfast cereal boxes.

You want to go out on a date?

It would be lots of fun.

Must be contagious.

I've lost my mind.

Just like you.

We'd have a great time.

I'd cruise Andromeda. Your signature would ratify our agreement. Please sign.

beyond your wildest dreams.

I can't believe this. I'm just one big opportunity for you.

Well, isn't that more than what you have here on Earth?

Now you said no one cares.

I care.

There's no reason we can't include a clause calling for biannual audits to

protect your interests.

We're not leaving until we get an answer.

This is insane.

You can't do this.

Come on, at least wait until your parents get back.

Come on, Mike, don't go through with this.

The aliens are right. I have to face this. I was never meant to live here. At

least in another world, I can make a new life.

I think this is yours.

Thank you.

You drive me crazy.

First, you make more sense than anybody I've ever known in my life, and then you

don't make any sense at all. I'm sorry. I've had a lot on my mind, and... In a

few minutes, I'll be leaving for another planet.

Another planet. You are too much. Look, there's a group of aliens in my

backyard, and all I have to do is close the deal, and I'm off.

I wish I could tell you he was a lunatic, but I... What could he be?

I'm sorry about the dance.

I'm sorry, too.

For a while, you gave me a feeling that no one else ever did.

What was that?

That I belonged here.

Goodbye, Caitlin.

Okay, guys, let's work it out.

Who's it going to be?

Who's the lucky alien today?

Oh, look at that. I think you'll find it's very well thought out and covers

the points we discussed.

That's a certificate of authorship.

It's ironclad. Don't worry.

It'll be fun, Mikey. My parents would just die.

And don't forget, Mike Pillsbury, I can make you, and your sidekick there,

household names throughout the known galaxies. And my fee?

Well, only a small 30 % of your earnings. Ignore this, charlatan. Sign

And you'll be making the universe a better place.

Bringing the joys of the one, the only, Jarmonica to billions of beings. I don't

even know what a Jarmonica is.

Why, it's your future, Mike Pillsbury.

You would be wise, young Pillsbury, to have me broker any deals you make with

those two.

Or anyone else. For your own protection, of course. What are you saying?

I resent that.

What do you mean you resent that? How do you know you wear ugly shoes? Oh, yeah.

Can't we all just get along?

Mike Pillsbury!

Barnabas! Where have you been?

A refugee disaster near Alpha Centauri. Very nasty.

A talking dog?

Oh, my gosh.

You must listen to me.

You'll have to live with this decision for the rest of your life.

Mike. Caitlin.

I wanted to make sure you're okay.

I'm all over the galaxy.

Uncle Luther was right.

We should have listened.

Why did they write?

The Thode.

The worst worm is about to crawl out of the can you opened up, Mike Pillsbury.

He'll find the choicest specimens and snatch them.

And then he'll tell his friends.

More and more Thodes will come.

And more and more specimens will be snatched. It's always my fault. I can't

stand it. I never thought the thing would work. If the beam was truly a

of an accident and not superior intelligence, we could appeal the case,

I think we're out of time.

What do we do?

Leave, now!

Mike! What is this? It's great!

Jay!

I don't know how you... Jake, come down!

as long as he never leaves his home world.

We can't do anything?

This is just the start.

See, I don't think he meant to take a little boy.

He'll come back and take more and more until he finds the perfect specimen for

his collection.

The perfect specimen?

I've got an idea.

What are you thinking of?

A plan.

No, Schreiber, it's me, Nick.

What?

What do you want, dweeb?

Mike sent me. He knows you sabotaged the program for the dance. He wants to call

you out right now.

You've got to be kidding me.

No, man, he's waiting.

Caitlin's with him.

This ought to be a real joke.

So, send in the nerds.

I should prepare you, Scott Schreiber, for the task that lies ahead.

You're about to see things that will be difficult for your small, Firstly, mine

to comprehend.

What?

Whoa.

Wait a minute.

This is you, Pillsbury, isn't it? Trying to play some trick on me?

Is somebody taping this?

We're not joking.

Scott, I see you've met Barnabas.

He's here to help us.

How do you do?

He looks like a dog, but he's not a dog. Right. We need your help.

I thought you were calling me out.

Nick didn't think you were dumb enough to fall for it, but I did.

Hey, watch it, Pillsbury. Hey, hey, can you two get past it?

Grow up, huh?

All right, all right.

Well, what do you want?

You will help us get through the Stargate, leading to the Thode planet.

Where do they have my little brother, Jay? He was abducted by the Thode.

Thode? It's an alien, kind of like an intergalactic poacher. We need you to...

We need you to be the bait.

What? Even if I did believe you, why would I do that?

Because... Because you were born to be a hero.

Because we're on the same football team?

And because we're on the same side, same school, same town, same planet?

And because... Because...

Because I dare you.

You're not scared, are you?

No way.

Well, let's go.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Suppose I play along with this.

What do I have to do exactly?

Just be yourself.

Well, what does that mean?

It means just be perfect.

No sweat.

Abducted by aliens, sure you wish.

There's a plan, Scott, trust me.

Come on.

so friendly.

The phone senses your presence, God. It senses your perfection.

You know, I'm not really all that perfect.

I mean, compared to Pillsbury, maybe, but I've got a lot of faults.

Really.

What is this place?

The foad calls it a zoo, but I believe you would call it a prison.

Is it watching us?

I expect so.

We'd better keep going.

Big joke.

I'm still here. Nothing's happened.

I was right.

Try not to worry.

Mike will get us out of here.

Out of where?

Hey, why is it still light out?

That appears to be some kind of master control for the cages.

Cages?

Where's Scott?

He is the specimen the Thode needs.

By now I'm sure he's forever ensconced.

Ensconced? What does that mean in English?

solar system, Betelgeuse.

Their organic chemistry is silicon -based.

Oh my gosh.

The Hansels are natives of the star system, Pegasi.

They are a gentle people. with a long history of peaceful cooperation.

They're just like in your story, Mike.

How did you know?

I don't know.

Scott, Jay, I bet they're in a cage just like this. I'm afraid so.

We'll get you out, I promise.

Okay?

Come on, we've got to go.

I can't believe this.

Transported to another planet?

I had my worst nightmare.

Stuck in Pillsbury's backyard forever.

I don't know how to get out.

Try not to worry so much.

Mike will find a way to get us out.

We're depending on Pillsbury.

How did I get myself into this?

Have you ever heard Mike's story of a planet where the people are called

Hansels?

Let's try this way.

They can't hear us.

At least Jay isn't alone, so he won't be so afraid. We must act quickly.

I can break through this glass.

Maybe we don't need to break it.

Maybe there's a way to open it instead.

The Thode must have a key.

Very astute.

My specimens need my care and protection.

Security is all important.

You're the Thode?

I am indeed.

You were expecting someone much more intimidating?

I assure you, our reputation is wholly undeserved.

I only came to help the Pillsbury, as he requested.

No, you took Jay. He's only a little kid.

I did indeed, and I seem to be in possession of still another young human.

Oh, but don't worry.

They will be quite pampered, and their lifespans will be infinitely longer here

than they would be on...

dangerous old earth.

After all, this is a sanctuary, not a prison.

They deserve to be back home with their own kind.

You, of all people, should talk, Pillsbury.

At any rate, I'll soon have enough specimens to make sure that they will

be lonely.

You have no right.

I have all the rights I need.

You gave them to me, Pillsbury.

But enough talk.

I want to thank you for becoming part of my collection.

You will be my very first copy.

And you, miss.

really felt like he belonged.

He never really felt that he had any friends.

Kind of sounds like Mike made up about himself, doesn't it?

Toadgate!

Why isn't the Stargate disappearing?

Oh, no!

You can't close the Stargate if... If there's someone or something still

traveling in it, right?

Too late, I'm afraid.

Hell hath no fury like a thode's scorn.

I'd better contact the police.

Come on. Come on. Come on. What's wrong?

The line is busy with the dangerous universe.

I'll keep trying.

Mike, you stall him!

You freed my entire collection!

And now you're going to pay!

We have to hold out until the intergalactic police arrive.

Excuse me, Mr. Thode, sir.

Hey, hey, hey!

You know what? You're a big creep running around staring at little kids.

have news for you, sir. On this planet, we...

If it will help a friend.

handed down its ruling.

Your initial transmission has been deemed accidental.

And Earth is classified again as a protected planet under Federation

That's a relief.

I guess the world is safe.

And the foad has been sentenced to serve two eons in a Federation penitentiary.

His hostages have been returned to their home planets.

And the Hansel?

He's safe and grateful for all you did.

All's well that ends well, as the saying goes.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you for everything, Barnabas.

Well, there is one bit of unfinished business.

You.

It's not too late for you to come home with me.

To your planet? I know you would be happy.

So would I.

I don't think so, Barnabas.

Earth is my home, and even though it doesn't always feel like it...

I guess it's where I belong.

Many here who feel out of place point their heads down. But not you, Mike

Pillsbury. You look to the stars.

Remarkable. If you wish, you may scratch me behind the ears.

That was delightful.

You know, my Pillsbury, you've shown me there's something to be said for the

right kind of personal contact.

I will attempt to convince my people.

Farewell.

Goodbye, Barnabas.

I'll never forget you.

out there and play some football.

Give it everything you got.

That's my boy.

I guess I am.

Shriver, it's where I belong.

And you know what?

I'm going to prove it to you.

Dream on, Pillsbury.

Dream on.

I will dream on, Shriver.

You bet I will.

Pillsbury, Pillsbury, he's our man. If he can't do it, go!