Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Well, well, well.

Ooh! Oh, no, no.

Yes! Ah!

SHE HISSES, BELL RINGS

Ah!

Um...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Christ.

Ooh! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby.

OK.

Oh, my God!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooh!

SHE BABBLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.

Give a man a fishing rod and he'll eat for life,

give a comedian a task

and they'll damage their reputation,

career and if previous series are anything to go by,

their marriages.

Sadly the contracts are dry

and there's no going back now.

So please welcome Joanne McNally... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Nick Mohammed... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Sophie Willan... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Steve Pemberton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And to my left, a man who is adamant that anyone who didn't go

to university should be forced to live in a field.

"Bovine style", to quote him, it's...

GREG LAUGHS

..Little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Adamant? Is that what I am? Adamant. Adamant.

Um, what's the prize task?

You've asked them to bring in the snazziest hollow thing.

Brilliant.

That means the snazziest hollow thing will win five points

and at the end of the episode all five snazziest hollow things

will go home with the winner.

Yes, that's right. It'll be the ultimate hollow victory

but also it won't be a hollow victory

because this is very important. Over to you, Greg.

OK. Hi, Joanne. Hello, Greg.

Snazzy, hollow.

My strategy is literal now

so I'm just, literally, just basic bitch instinct,

literal, answer the brief.

You keep referring to yourself as a basic bitch.

I know. LAUGHTER

I'm quite old and I don't know what that means. It means...

Steve, Steve and I... Why are you asking me?

I drink wine out of a petrol station,

I shop in Zara, I'm a basic bitch.

So it's a straightforward, simplistic woman? Exactly.

So, I'm not gonna overthink it.

Here it is.

It's a boot full of chips.

LAUGHTER

It's a fairly snazzy boot. Yeah. And it is hollow. Yeah.

What I'm intrigued by, is... Yeah. ..is that you think

that the chips in some way make the... Yeah.

..already snazzy boot, snazzier.

Because I was trying to make it personal to you as...

Cos I'm a fat bloke, and you think,

well, he'll look at the snazzy thing... No!

..but maybe he'll be distracted by the fact he wants to fill his face.

Sorry, it's only a small portion, out of respect.

LAUGHTER

Thank you for bringing in a snazzy boot and then putting chips in it.

No worries.

Hello, John. Hello, Greg.

Can you beat a boot full of chips? Let me answer that for you. Yes.

LAUGHTER

Well, Greg, I'm gonna introduce you to something

called the John Robins price-to-value ratio.

It's the Robins PTVR, yeah? It's the Robins PTVR. OK.

As I present to you a Faberge egg. Ooh.

ALL GASP

I'll just prove it's hollow. We'll, uh, open it up.

Uh, if we could just open the task up. Yeah, I can open the task.

There we go.

Be snazzy! You have 20-40 years depending on lifestyle choices!

LAUGHTER

They're really expensive, aren't they?

Yes, the Rothschild Faberge egg sold for 8.9 million. Genuinely true.

Is this like an eBay thing for like a fiver, is it?

That's where the, uh, Robins PTVR... PTVR, yeah. ..comes in.

Those looking to invest in one should be looking between £13-18.

LAUGHTER

I don't think it's snazzy, I think it's horrible.

LAUGHTER

All right, Nick? I'm all right, Greg.

You've had an absolute mare in this round.

Oh, yeah, and I...

I'm gonna continue, so I have gone for

the soundtrack to the 1999 film

Sleepy Hollow. Yes. Um...

We can't play any of it,

and I can't sing any of it for licence issues.

But you have to understand, Greg, that it is incredibly snazzy.

The way it's orchestrated is snazzy.

I'll tell you what I'll do, I'm prepared to look kindly on this...

Thank you. ..if you could just do a, uh, sort of soundalike.

Oh, OK. Just to give me the vibe.

# AAAAA, MMMMM, AAAA... #

Come closer.

NICK CONTINUES TO VOCALISE Do you really want me to?

LAUGHTER, HE HUMS

LAUGHTER

Keep going. I can't remember it. Keep going.

LAUGHTER

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN...

Ah!

There you go.

Snazzy! Snazzy.

Very good. All right, Sophie. What have you brought?

A conch.

HE VOCALISES

Little one. Exactly that. Ah.

Hand decorated. Yeah, I put glitter on it to snazz it up.

And there we have it.

And there we have it. A glittery conch.

OK. It sounds sexual, doesn't it? Yeah.

Uh, it sounds like you should see a doctor.

LAUGHTER

"Ah, you've got a glittery conch, I'm afraid."

Yeah. LAUGHTER

You can practically see it tonight, actually.

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry about that. LAUGHTER

I put this on, I thought, "Oh, I feel fantastic."

I forgot about sitting down. Yeah.

And as shells go it's probably the... Well, it's up there.

You've got oyster at the bottom, limpet,

cockle, mussel, scallop, conch, cowry, knobbed whelk.

I should've gone for a knobbed whelk. Knobbed whelks are very...

..they're very snazzy. But it's definitely one of

the top three snazzy shells. Yeah.

It's good, it's strong. Thank you.

Steve. Hello.

What have you brought in?

So I thought what could be snazzier than a party?

And what could be more hollow than a hollow promise?

Someone saying they're gonna do something

that they have no intention of doing.

So I brought in what I think is a snazzy hollow promise.

You wanna see it? I do.

OK, well, I'll show you this picture first.

LAUGHTER

Hmm. I feel like I've been tricked.

LAUGHTER

This is what happens.

Hello, Ben. This is Greg Davies.

I promise to come to your stag do next week,

and I will be dressed as a minotaur.

LAUGHTER

Ben's stag do was last week. Did you go dressed as a minotaur?

Of course not, I had no intention.

I have absolute contempt for the general public.

Has someone bribed me into this?

It was the director who was contacted by Ben's mother,

uh, who sent him an email.

Ben's mother, Kat Zipser.

If you reveal you're Kat Zipser, you Keyser Soze...

Well, 'Kat Zipser', of course, is an anagram of 'prize task'.

LAUGHTER Ahhhhhhh!

It's a very clever idea. It's brilliant.

OK, it's scoring time.

I don't like that egg. LAUGHTER

One to John. Um...

Yeah. I don't want your boot full of chips.

LAUGHTER Yeah.

Two points. Thank you. Mainly because of your beautiful rendition

in my ear, I'm gonna give you three points. Thank you.

I feel I've done really well out of that.

I... Oh, God, you have. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I sort of want that glittery conch,

and I think everybody else would,

so I'm gonna give Steve four and Sophie five there. There we go.

Sophie gets five points for her glittery conch.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, let's get going, Alex.

And we begin by, once more, stringing people along.

Hey, Alex.

Good morning, Nick.

Aha-ha. What fresh hell is this? LAUGHTER

Happy?

No.

Why are you not happy, Joanne?

I've no waist.

You've got a waist.

Ahem.

What have you caught?

Fastest correct answer wins.

You may only give one answer.

Your time starts now.

So I've gotta go follow it, haven't I? OK.

Do you think? Yeah.

I don't want to pull it, but...you know.

What do I have to do?

Is that... Is that going in or out?

LAUGHTER Oh, that's wrong.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I will say this, it's just a...

..an observation. I hope you won't be insulted by it, Sophie.

I just think that sometimes on this show you've looked like an old lady

lost in a shopping centre. LAUGHTER

I felt like that.

All right, the first two sleuths of string are Joanne and Steve.

Oh, God.

So I'm following the line. Do I take the...

Up to you. Oh, God.

Do...do you do a lot of fishing? No!

Your pack's just caught on the back. I've just paused the clock. OK.

Am I doing it right?

Oh, I've just got a problem with your... Just hang on a sec.

Sorry, Steve. Just paused the clock. You're doing...

..you're doing all the right things. OK...

Thanks, Neil.

We're back on.

We're back on. OK.

Let me just explore what's happening between Greg's legs.

Oh, bloody hell. Who put this net here?

Oh, that's made it worse.

So it could be in anything?

Yeah, it could be any of them, could be anywhere.

Him! No.

Is it... How will I know when I've caught it?

Well, you can only give one answer.

So you'll know when you've caught it. Oh, will I?

You've just got to tell us what it is.

Is it a fish?

Is it a fish?

Why am I wearing these bloody waders?

In case you get wet, Steve.

Oh, come on. Oh, hi, Steve.

Oh, hi.

Hi, there. You know all the nooks and crannies, don't you?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I don't get it.

This came off. Oh, no.

And unless I've caught the bath

because this leads back to the rod.

Is there another thing that I'm missing here?

Uh...

I'm not giving up. No.

WHISPERS: Pineapple.

There's a fish here. Seems like a natural choice.

Well, you can only give one answer.

Is that your answer?

Well, no not yet.

OK.

I'll give you my answer.

I've caught this boot, which is where I started.

I've stopped the clock. Thank you.

You've just gotta give us one answer.

OK, fish.

I've written down fish.

To me that's an impossible task.

APPLAUSE

I, I'm happy to give you both the right to reply on Alex

with this task.

I can't believe I had the same strategy as Steve.

Usually, Steve's like MacGyver meets Stephen Spielberg

with these like productions.

And you were just chasing the string like the rest of us. I was,

I was trying to follow the string back. Yeah.

But I kept noticing that when bits came off it didn't seem to matter.

It was definitely one of the more boring tasks.

LAUGHTER

There was just one continuous line of string about 200 metres long

which eventually landed somewhere. OK.

And you'd think probably the answer is fish

cos you had fish on your backs the whole time

and Joanne you did say fish after about three minutes

but then you didn't give that as your official answer

for about another 15 minutes.

Oh, grand. AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Go with your gut.

OK, our next two tangled anglers are John and Sophie.

So I've got to go follow it, haven't I?

OK.

I don't want to pull it, but you know.

Just, can I just adjust your...

I've paused the clock. Keep that still.

Sorry, John. It's all right. There you go. Thank you.

That's good. Yeah. You're off.

So I'm off.

Woo, wrong way.

Oh, no, it's just a red herring.

I'm guessing I don't need to open that, do I?

And I've not had any clue to a key,

but it might be on the old rod.

There's no key on the rod.

Fastest one wins, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, you bastards.

I could've got this ages ago.

It's not helpful to open the box, Alex.

Something's helpful in there.

An arrow pointing to a hole.

There's an arrow.

I'm just hoping everybody else really struggles, you know.

Oh, here we go.

Are we're back on track, are we?

Back on track.

A mannequin!

Is that what you think you've caught?

I think so, yeah, cos it's a dead end.

Do you want me to stop the clock? What do you think?

Shall I go with that one or...?

You need to be fully sure when you give me your answer.

Let me look into your eyes.

Is it the mannequin?

It's not. LAUGHTER

I'm flummoxed. But I know it's not,

I've not got it because

your eyes would sparkle with delight if I'd got it.

Thank you.

Oh, it's going through the bin.

And back out again.

I feel like a fly.

Ho-ho.

I've caught a fish.

I've got a feeling about this.

Oh, my goodness, I did it.

Is that it? What have you caught?

I've caught a big fish.

Ah, a fish.

I could've just said fish at the start really, couldn't I?

APPLAUSE

Two very different ways of approaching it.

John always thinks there's some way round it,

so you were looking for a key or something.

It's not fair to assume that I should've thought

the sound guy was a liar.

No.

Well, you said yourself,

we were looking for one person to be brave enough

to just go fish immediately and that was your instinct.

But why would I, why would you do that?

Well, everything was a red herring as well

which led you to fish.

You were wearing fishing clothes and you were holding a fishing rod.

That's because we were fishing for something.

It was a fish.There was... LAUGHTER

Um, Sophie, tell me about how you use people's eyes in life.

Oh, yeah. You can read eyes very easily.

Yeah, you did... Yeah, I mean, like I look into yours I see

a lot of sadness. LAUGHTER

This, demonic. Ah.

Naturally very demonic. Oh, OK. Yeah.

And you must be right as well cos you knew straight away

it wasn't the mannequin just... Yeah, cos he gets this sparkle

of delight when he knows you've got it wrong.

That's it. Yeah. That's when he's getting excited.

Yeah, I mean time-wise she,

she took a good while.

Did she? A good while, yeah. John, nine minutes 16.

Uh, Joanne took 18 minutes 20 and Sophie 38 minutes ten.

WHISTLING Blimey.

Right, we need to stop for a break.

Alex, run along to the tuck shop for me

and try not to get mugged this time.

Silly boy. See you in a minute.

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster,

where there's something fishy going on.

I've always wanted to say that,

I really genuinely have.

Yes, they're trying to work out what they've caught.

Three successes, one fail so far.

Now for our final string fellow,

it's Nick Mohammed.

Your time starts now.

OK, come on.

You see that's connected...

Where's that going?

I think this... That...

Now that goes... Ah, OK, so that's going here.

It's a fun one, Alex.

Here we go.

Why are we in waders?

So your legs don't get wet.

Oh, I caught a fish.

I've stopped the clock.

That was really good.

Well done. Thank you.

You managed to keep the thread.

Uh, little fact about me, I'm allergic to fish and seafood.

You OK with that one?

I'm fine with that one cos that,

that's um,

whatever they make duvets out of.

Thank you very much, Nick. Thank you.

DOOR SLAMS Ooh.

APPLAUSE

I was worried for a while because for a lot of that task,

this is the most dynamic we've seen you be.

Yes. You knew exactly what you needed to do.

Yeah. And I thought, oh, my God, Nick's changed.

Yeah. And thankfully you ended the task by being

frightened by a door slamming and... LAUGHTER

..and apologising and I thought... Well, it...

Ah, all is well.

He's back. Yeah.

It seemed to me he was, I mean he just did it beautifully.

Just a nimble little mouse.

He didn't overthink it. He was a nimble little mouse.

His words.

Let that be a lesson to all of you. Yeah.

Stop thinking.

Tell me some stuff.

It's quite straightforward.

Unfortunately, Steve didn't find the fish,

so he doesn't get any points at all.

Sophie, you get two.

Three for Joanne, four for John,

Nick got it in three minutes and he gets five points.

Whoa! AUDIENCE CHEERS

Wow. Shall we see some scores, then?

Yes, well, you won't believe it,

the nimble mouse is in the lead with eight points,

it's Nick Mohammed.

Right, I would like another task please, Alex.

Sure thing and this one will be music to your ears.

Hi. You're in the right place.

Uh, just to let you know there's a strange person out there

who comes up... Ah!

Well, hello.

I get nervous when there's no props.

Well. Well.

I'll open it.

Ah.

"Perform a recognisable piece

"of classical music without using any musical instrument."

Right, OK, that's fine.

"You may not hum, sing, whistle or that sort of thing.

"Most accomplished performance wins.

"You have a maximum of 30 minutes?"

Are you musical, John?

I go through a sort of five-yearly bass flirtation

that lasts a couple of days, pop it back on eBay.

Your time starts now. All right.

Are you musical, Sophie?

No. No.

No, I'm not.

No.

I thought that might be a bit like a kind of

an accordion or something.

No, it's a camera. It's not.

JOHN: I'm not allowed to use a musical instrument,

I'm gonna have to make one.

BLOWS

GURGLING

BOTTLES HUM, HE HUMS

GLASS RESONATES

HE TUNES

TAPPING

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So sorry.

APPLAUSE

All going to plan, Sophie, excellent.

My initial observation is it seems like everybody

has gone with the logic

of creating a piece of classical music by

inventing their own musical instrument

with the exception of Joanne who, I've written this down,

appears to be performing classical music by

doing big steps around the room.

They were big steps. They were lovely big steps.

I was watching that going I don't remember making

an instrument on Ta...

I was like, "Oh, no, what did I do?" I forgot I...

..I turned it into interpretative dance and just... Yes.

It never, never crossed her mind to make any noise at all.

Well, they had to be recognisable

so let's see if you can recognise

the pieces of John, Sophie and Steve.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

ALEX CLAPS Yeah, more improv towards the end.

Ah, are you OK?

I'm knackered actually.

Oh, shit. AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE Thank you.

There we go, all three pieces.

I mean, my favourite bit of Steve's performance is how

genuinely irritated he is when he spills that water at the end.

I know, cos it was so graceful up to that point.

John, what I've written down, in a slightly creepy way,

is I felt like a proud father watching you. Ah.

Because you were trying so hard.

I spent a lot of time tuning the guitar in order that

I could then tune the harp from the guitar.

You said the notes will reveal themselves.

Yes. LAUGHTER

Sophie, what I felt was as an overall thing

was that your VT is something that normally

would be followed by someone saying,

"Ah, bless her."

I, I think what happened for me is I got so into it,

I got really excited

and then when I threw my drumsticks I was fucked.

I think I, I think I know what Sophie's was.

Thank you. Yeah. What do you think it is?

Yeah. It was the one that they use for the Dulux ad

and all the waves turned into horses.

Thank you. Boom. Can I do?

Well, no, I was gonna ask if

Joanne would mind stepping it out for us.

OK, we're gonna see them with an instrumental version

laid over the top just to show how close they were to the original.

Here we go.

Oh, shit.

That music was not what I was playing.

We thought Symphony No. 9 by Beethoven.

No. Greensleeves?

Yes.

Can we just play it isolated again

with Greensleeves going through our heads?

I'll hum it for you.

Ah, why not, OK.

HE HUMS GREENSLEEVES

Are you sure you don't wanna go with Beethoven?

I sort of think we should've stuck with the original, Steve.

Sophie's was Vivaldi, is that right?

Yeah, Four Seasons.

Wasn't bad, was it? No.

I mean, it was closer than Greensleeves for sure.

And then John, it was Rachmaninov's third concerto.

You looked like the proudest boy in the land.

The boy who didn't get his harp for Christmas.

OK, more classical renditions coming up right after these adverts

for nice cars and holidays.

Don't wanna be a downer, but you can't afford them

and the planet is teetering on the edge of apocalypse.

Talk to your children!

Hello, welcome to the third part of today's classy show

where the comedians are recreating some classical music.

Oh, yes, they're certainly giving it a go.

But without the use of any instruments. What?

What? I know. The key adjectives in the task are "recognisable"

and "accomplished".

So here, at last, is Joanne

performing her recognisable piece of classical music

in the most accomplished way.

This is my representation of

the only classical piece

of music I know through interpretative dance.

And charades.

It's a piece of music.

It's one word.

Hold on.

And some sort of dancing with some sort of shoes.

One word, three syllables.

First syllable.

Sounds like.

SHE GROWLS

Tiger. No.

OK.

Sounds like.

Drink. Lads, lads, lads.

Booze? Beer?

Thank you.

Sounds like again.

Um, an ice cream?

Sounds like an ice cream.

Third syllable, sounds like.

Oh. Third syllable sounds like "oh".

Yeah. Come on, put it together.

Beer, it sounds like an ice cream, oh.

Not a rose in sight.

I've got a Biro.

Yeah, throw it at me.

You're welcome.

APPLAUSE

Well, I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say how disappointed I am.

It's charades. Come on, it's Christmas.

Oh, five points then.

Do you recognise the piece of classical music?

Well, I do, I think I do, b... SHE GASPS

..because I like an ice lolly.

Which is? A Solero.

And the musical piece is?

Then, it would be Bolero.

Yes, cos the first syllable is "beer".

Well, you got it, you guessed it.

It was recognisable apparently.

Was that you taking skates off

and putting them on like Torvill and Dean? Yes, that was, yes! Yeah.

Yeah, it was like being in Sarajevo in 1984,

sixes all round.

Well done. Thank you, Alex.

Last up, it's Nick Mohammed.

Thank you. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE PLAYS EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK BY MOZART ON THE BOTTLES

APPLAUSE

It does feel a bit...a bit smug, though, doesn't it?

But the conductors are smug, aren't they?

And a lot of the time, not needed.

When are they ever needed?

I've watched orchestras - they're never looking up at that dickhead.

What's the title, Eine Kleine...

Nachtmusik. Nachtmusik. A little bit of night music.

Yeah. Bloody good, wasn't it? Mozart. It was used in, uh,

Penguins Of Madagascar, of course.

OK, well, it's up to you.

The one that I think didn't sound like either piece of music...

LAUGHTER

..was Steve.

So, I think we can safely give Steve one point.

Worse than Joanne?

Well, I guessed her piece.

I could've just gone... # Greensleeves, Greensleeves. #

That would've really helped. You could.

The question is, is Joanne's better than Sophie's?

Yes. No.

APPLAUSE

I'm...I am gonna do it, yeah, I'll give,

uh, Sophie two points, and that madness can have three

because I guessed it via Solero. Woohoo.

OK. Um, and then, you know, my darling boy.

Four points to John. Yeah, four points to John.

And then, obviously,

the bottle-blowing genius that is Nick Mohammed, five points.

Well done, Nick.

Well done, Mozart.

Let's have another task.

OK, you've got it, Greg,

and this one is just a little bit fruity.

Hmm.

Oh, hey, Joanne.

Hi, Alex.

What's the craic?

Now I never know how to answer that.

Right, here we go, are you ready?

Mm-hm.

OK, oh, nice colour.

Red ink, is that relevant?

Is it red?

Uh, it's sort of orange.

"Take Alex to one side.

"And do the following things to him.

"Confess your favourite piece of kitchen equipment..."

Oh, it's not as sexy as we thought.

"Scream a body part of your choice in his face.

"Declare a gardening tool in a silly voice.

"You've three minutes, your time starts now."

Confess my favourite piece of kitchen equipment.

It's a spatula.

Spatula.

Spatula? Yeah. OK.

Forgive me, Alex, for I have sinned.

Sounds bad.

Ah, it's a cheese grater.

What's it called, a garlic crusher? Garlic press?

Either will do.

Forgive me, Father, for I have a balti pan.

"Scream a body part of your choice in his face."

Little toe!

Ear!

Armpit!

Boob, boob, boob, boob.

Forearm!

"Declare a gardening tool in a silly voice."

Hose.

IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Hosepipe.

Hosepipe.

Shears, shears. Shears.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrake!

IN A LOW VOICE: Rake.

Garlic crusher, little toe, rake.

Yeah. Interesting. WHISTLE BLOWS

Ooh.

I mean, even if you've done scant research into this show,

I think you would guess that

if you're asked at random to pick a body part,

that you're gonna have to use that body part in some way in the task.

I don't think that's a...a spoiler alert.

And that's why I'm so intrigued by the repeated shouting of boob.

Something I know you enjoyed very much, didn't you?

I, uh...luckily, she said it a few times cos the first time I recoiled.

Yeah. And then I sort of got into it,

got confident and got... And by the end, I was

just like... Then you really nestled into the boob.

It was a form of sexual therapy, really, wasn't it?

It...yeah. Yeah, brief but, yeah.

Ready? Yes.

Let's see what that was all about then, here we go. Let's play.

Ha-ha! Joanne.

Alex, we meet again.

Knew I'd be in a bit of trouble here.

Oh, my God. What did I say?

I've got a hosepipe, I've got a cheese grater,

I've got a vase, I've got a task.

Do you remember what the other object was?

Armpit.

Brought the old forearms with me.

"Get the most orange juice in the vase.

"Only your chosen items may touch the oranges."

"Only your chosen items may touch oranges. You have five minutes."

Only your spatula, shears and boobs can touch the oranges.

Right, OK.

Oh, crikey.

Funny, isn't it?

Even though there's some very funny body parts been chosen

it's...it's, um, oranges being squeezed with the ear

I'm looking forward to the most. I know.

I didn't think, I didn't think.

Let's begin with two powerful men, Nick and Steve.

So I need to break the skin.

Ta-da.

OK.

Ah, my lovely James Bond top is being chafed.

Let's see.

Is anything coming?

Oh, yes, yes.

Can I put this on the floor? Mm-hm.

Oh, my God.

Yes, OK.

HE GRUNTS

Do that, sort of using my little toe, innit?

What's it doing, your toe?

It's having a good time.

Oh, my God. AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

You don't have a smaller grater, do you?

It would just save me from destroying my nipples.

Look at all this juice.

This is doubling my tally.

Am I allowed to do that? You are allowed to do it,

but it looks like you're milking yourself.

I feel like I've done all right, you know?

Ten seconds.

Ah. Uh, four seconds.

Just blow the whistle. WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS Yeah, that's not bad.

I sense that everyone was as horrified as me in the room

at the sight of Steve grating his armpit.

It felt like a Saw movie to me.

I had a lot of orange juice in my top.

You did. Which I tried to get into the vase.

And you were using a lot of effort.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it looked like you were an Olympic weightlifter.

Yes! Yes, he looked like this.

Look at the face.

I really tried, I was really,

really trying, and I didn't cheat.

Yeah, nothing was helping.

Little Mickey, the nimble mouse.

When you were ineffectually patting oranges with a grass rake... Yes.

..I thought you were in trouble.

Yes. But then, uh, it all got quite macho.

Yeah, it did a bit, didn't it? I was quite lucky with

the choice of garlic crusher, I think.

Do you wanna give us some stats?

Sure. Steve's was...I mean, the good thing about it was it was 13ml

so you can take it on as hand luggage.

Um, 109ml for you, two-and-a-half Petit Filous.

Good. If you wanna see one of our five competitors

waving a boot full of chips about in victory,

then you come straight back here, do you understand me?

Yeah, we'll see you after these adverts.

Hello.

Yes, welcome back to the show, it's the last part

and we've got a lab task

to finish which involves squeezing oranges.

Here's Alex with some of his humour and then more information.

Hi, everyone. That's right, Greg,

a warm welcome back to Celebrities Juice.

Our contestants had to choose a piece of kitchen equipment,

a body part and a gardening tool

and now have to squeeze as much juice as possible

out of some oranges using only those items.

Next up, the juicy John, a Sophie smoothie and a Joanne the Juice.

I should've specified I like a metal spatula.

Ah.

That's not a good enough spatula, actually. It's too bendy.

OK, well it's gonna obviously be a forearm-dependent task.

Ah, son of a...

AUDIENCE EXCLAIM That really hurt.

Ah. Please don't break your arm.

Ah.

You've used your spatula and your shears.

Yeah.

Are you gonna be using anything else?

Yes.

Actually that works really well.

OK, it does actually work.

It's not a bad system.

Ah. Come on.

I don't think it's gonna replace the juicer at any point.

I enter with the hose.

And then I attack with the spatula. That's the system.

It's like a scene from a very sexual film.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

That's the money shot.

Ah.

God.

Come on. Ah, fuck's sake.

You little bastard. Come on, come on.

Final 45 seconds now, Joanne.

Mess this up now.

20 seconds.

Ten seconds.

Five, four, three,

two, one. WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, God.

WHISTLE BLOWS Knackered.

Thanks, Joanne. No worries.

You didn't use your ear much.

They're not pointy enough to play any part in this.

Not for the first time, Joanne, you looked like, um...

I've written "sociopath" here.

You looked like a serial killer at times.

Yeah. There was a bit of mania there, in the eyes.

Nice serial killer's diary entry from you as well.

"I enter with the hose and I attack with the spatula."

You said that you thought it was sexy, John,

the, uh, forearm.

I mean, I think it's the least sexy thing

I've ever seen in my life, watching you squeeze oranges

with your forearms.

In sexual...it was as sexual as orange juice can be.

It... LAUGHTER

..it...it wasn't.

Well, I had to...I knew I had to use them both

as a sort of a hammer and a squeezer.

Yes. You didn't have to use them to pick up the balti pan

at the end, I don't know why you did that.

Did I not?

No. You can touch your items, like everyone else was doing.

Are you aiming toward a life where you only use your forearm?

LAUGHTER

I don't wanna dwell on your boobs, Sophie,

but they did come into play at one point. Once,

yeah. In a stabilising way.

It was helpful, actually, to have that.

Only, uh... Yeah, he reminded you, didn't you?

"You haven't used your boobs."

Um, but the rest of the system worked, seemed to work all right?

I think I did very well.

Well. Hmm.

We know Steve's got the tiniest amount

of orange juice ever squeezed ever.

Three teaspoons, yes.

NICK: Three teaspoons?

STEVE: I'm happy with that. I'm happy with that.

Then. Who's next?

Sophie, you got 107ml.

Nick 109, Joanne 116.

So it's four points to Joanne, three to Nick,

two to Sophie, but John got 199ml

and five points. There it is!

Shall we glance at the scores, young man?

Yes, I might update you on the series scores briefly. Hmm.

Because each of them is in a different decade.

Nick 88, Sophie 94, Steve 104, Joanne 117, John 127.

Right. In this episode, he's not won one yet,

but Nick is in the lead with 16 points!

Right, well, it's that time again. Please make your way to

the stage for the final task of the show!

Hi, Greg. Who's going to read the task out?

Nick is gonna read it out.

Read it out, you nimble mouse.

Thank you, thank you. Here we go.

"Paint a face on your ball.

"You may not touch your balls

"with anything other than your tools.

"The most attractive face wins.

"Also you may not remove your helmet. You have 200 seconds."

Seems to be quite a lot of innuendo in that.

Greg, what are you looking for in an attractive face?

Really lovely lips.

Pretty eyes.

And lovely hair.

200 seconds.

WHISTLE BLOWS We're off.

All right, rosy red lips.

The crowd have gone wild.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Go on, Sophie. Go on, Nick.

Thank you.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, John!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

Quick. It's covered in paint.

NICK: Thanks, Alex. Thank you.

Is it OK for me to give Nick a little tip?

Yes. If you raise your head, the ball moves away from you.

Surely...

..surely it's the same. That's the same distance, Greg.

Shit! Fucking tit wank!

Ah, clever, Joanne. That's it, that's it. Shh!

LAUGHTER

John has been entirely focused throughout.

Shit. Yes, Joanne's a real worry.

CHEERING

Five... I'm doing my own interpretation of her. ..four,

three, two, one.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Why don't you all come down here,

and we'll see what that's done to the final scores?

Hey, Greg, do you wanna see these attractive faces?

Yeah, I'm contractually obliged to.

You are. I'm gonna put them up in a random order

so you can just give me your reactions

and you can judge them all at the end. Here we go.

Wow. LAUGHTER

God.

I blushed like I was on a first date.

Well, I mean, it's got features.

You said you like big lips.

It's a person. It's certainly got some big lips.

I think those lips may have been involved in an accident.

OK, well, compare that to face number two.

Wow.

Wow, I thought I'd never find her.

Third face. OK.

Oh, my God.

It's the end of the night, that one, isn't it?

OK, here's the fourth. Ah.

Now who's this lady?

I'm transported back to the 1920s. Ah.

She is a very attractive lady. Sad though.

That's because we haven't met yet.

OK, the final face.

Do you know what's really strange though?

I do find that lady more attractive than

the lady who's not got much hair.

Greg, how about I show you all five at once?

Yes, please. That'd be lovely. OK, here are all five of the faces.

Oh, my God.

Obviously, the least attractive face,

to me, is bottom right.

OK, so one point to bottom right. Yes.

I find top right so disturbing...

LAUGHTER

..that I simply can't give her any more than two points.

I'm gonna give whatever that madness, bottom left, three.

Now we're into dream-date territory.

Top left I'll give four points.

Right. The mysterious girl from the 1920s gets five.

OK, well, there we go. APPLAUSE

Would you like to know who did what? Yes.

Bottom right, one point to Joanne.

Oh, congratulations.

Two points, top right, Steve Pemberton.

Bottom left is obviously Nick Mohammed.

Three points.

And then, top left, that's four points to Mr John Robins.

Ah. Well done, John.

But five points, the self-portrait,

it is Sophie Willan. Well done, Sophie.

Well done, 1920s girl.

Give me the scores, please.

Sophie got 16, John got 18, but the winner with 19 points...

GASPING

..is Mr Nick Mohammed. No!

Nick Mohammed wins!

Please go and hold your haul of hollow snazziness!

All right? Yeah, I'm all right. I'm OK. Good. Thanks, Greg.

So what have we learnt in today's show?

Well, when Alex is putting together tasks for me,

sometimes I think he's just setting people up

to humiliate them.

And what we've learnt today is what goes around comes around.

You haven't? Oh, you haven't put anything on the...

..you've put something...oh. Oh, no, oh.

Oh.

And of course we've learnt tonight's winner was

the incredible Nick Mohammed!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media