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1
00:00:01,451 --> 00:00:04,487
s It seems today
that all you see s
2
00:00:04,491 --> 00:00:07,617
s Is violence in movies
and sex on TV s
3
00:00:07,623 --> 00:00:11,583
s But where are those
good old-fashioned values s
4
00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:14,394
s On which we used to rely? s
5
00:00:14,397 --> 00:00:18,197
s Lucky there's a family guy s
6
00:00:18,201 --> 00:00:21,601
s Lucky there's a man
who positively can do s
7
00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:23,534
s All the things that make us s
8
00:00:23,539 --> 00:00:24,669
s Laugh and cry s
9
00:00:24,674 --> 00:00:30,804
s He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! s
10
00:00:34,350 --> 00:00:36,486
Okay, Brian,
I'm goin' to the IGA.
11
00:00:36,490 --> 00:00:39,155
Don't let Peter
get into the cookie dough.
12
00:00:39,156 --> 00:00:41,155
Yeah, sure.
13
00:00:45,461 --> 00:00:46,561
Uh, Brian?
14
00:00:46,562 --> 00:00:49,265
I'm just gonna go
into the kitchen and...
15
00:00:49,272 --> 00:00:49,895
look at somethin'.
16
00:00:49,899 --> 00:00:51,129
Peter, I know
what you're doing.
17
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:54,534
I'm just gonna
look at somethin'.
18
00:00:54,537 --> 00:00:58,207
(muffled): Oh! What a very
interesting thing.
19
00:00:58,207 --> 00:01:01,137
Brian, can I give you money
and you write me a check
20
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,274
so I can order something from
21
00:01:02,278 --> 00:01:03,478
this Abercrombie & Fitch
catalog?
22
00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:05,515
What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess.
23
00:01:05,519 --> 00:01:07,475
Him.
(guffaws)
24
00:01:07,483 --> 00:01:08,513
He got you, Stewie!
25
00:01:08,518 --> 00:01:09,648
Well, um, if
it were you...
26
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:12,889
You-you would take the magazine
and you'd put it on the floor
27
00:01:12,892 --> 00:01:16,159
and pee on it 'cause you're
a dog and you're stupid,
28
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:19,695
and-and you have a weird
toenail halfway up your elbow.
29
00:01:19,699 --> 00:01:21,395
Nice comeback.
30
00:01:21,397 --> 00:01:22,727
Geez, that one
was all over the place.
31
00:01:22,732 --> 00:01:24,532
I should have been
quicker than that.
32
00:01:24,534 --> 00:01:25,664
I should've said, "Really?
33
00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:27,336
Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?"
34
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,266
And then I'd go like this.
(snaps fingers)
35
00:01:29,272 --> 00:01:30,572
Aw, that's so good!
36
00:01:30,573 --> 00:01:31,703
Why didn't I say that?!
37
00:01:31,707 --> 00:01:32,707
If only I had a time machine,
38
00:01:32,708 --> 00:01:35,608
I could go back in time
and have that comeback ready.
39
00:01:35,611 --> 00:01:36,611
Wait a minute.
40
00:01:36,612 --> 00:01:38,552
I do have a time machine!
41
00:01:48,424 --> 00:01:50,624
Brian, can I give you money
42
00:01:50,626 --> 00:01:52,395
and you write me a check
so I can order something
43
00:01:52,396 --> 00:01:53,655
from this Abercrombie
& Fitch catalog?
44
00:01:53,663 --> 00:01:56,423
What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess:
45
00:01:56,432 --> 00:01:57,332
Him.
Really?
46
00:01:57,333 --> 00:01:58,663
Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?
47
00:01:58,668 --> 00:02:02,605
(snaps fingers)
(guffaws)
He got you, Brian!
48
00:02:02,608 --> 00:02:03,565
(groans)
49
00:02:03,573 --> 00:02:05,573
Why didn't I think
of this before?
50
00:02:05,575 --> 00:02:07,275
Now I can always have
the last word.
51
00:02:07,276 --> 00:02:09,806
Like that ground control guy
during the moon landing.
52
00:02:09,812 --> 00:02:13,316
(over radio):
That's one small step for man,
53
00:02:13,322 --> 00:02:15,476
one giant leap for mankind.
54
00:02:15,484 --> 00:02:16,584
MISSION CONTROLLER:
Roger that, Neil.
55
00:02:16,586 --> 00:02:19,816
ARMSTRONG: We came in peace for
all the peoples of the Earth.
56
00:02:19,822 --> 00:02:21,757
MISSION CONTROLLER:
We read you, Neil.
57
00:02:21,762 --> 00:02:23,387
ARMSTRONG:
We chose to go to the moon,
58
00:02:23,392 --> 00:02:26,629
not because it is easy,
but because it is hard.
59
00:02:26,632 --> 00:02:28,329
MISSION CONTROLLER: Had a lot of
help down here, Neil.
60
00:02:28,331 --> 00:02:30,700
ARMSTRONG: We have slipped
the surly bonds of Earth
61
00:02:30,701 --> 00:02:32,535
and touched the face of God.
62
00:02:32,540 --> 00:02:33,935
MISSION CONTROLLER:
Yeah, if you could just
63
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,805
grab some rocks, Neil,
throw 'em in a bag,
64
00:02:35,806 --> 00:02:38,265
we'll get you home
safe and sound.
65
00:02:40,610 --> 00:02:41,740
This is silly fun.
66
00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:45,574
I can go back in time and change
anything in Brian's life.
67
00:02:48,584 --> 00:02:50,014
Aw, don't feel
bad, Peter.
68
00:02:50,019 --> 00:02:52,619
Hey, I know what'll
cheer you up.
69
00:02:53,389 --> 00:02:54,719
Hey, where the hell's
my banana thing?
70
00:02:54,724 --> 00:02:56,684
s It's peanut butter
jelly time s
71
00:02:56,692 --> 00:02:58,728
s Peanut butter
jelly time s
72
00:02:58,732 --> 00:03:00,028
s Peanut butter
jelly time s
73
00:03:00,029 --> 00:03:01,697
s Where he at?
Where he at? s
74
00:03:01,699 --> 00:03:04,527
(laughing):
Oh... Oh, my God.
75
00:03:04,533 --> 00:03:06,733
Oh, Stewie, that
is so funny!
76
00:03:06,736 --> 00:03:09,736
Oh... I did not
see that comin'!
77
00:03:09,739 --> 00:03:10,869
But... that was my thing.
78
00:03:10,873 --> 00:03:12,803
I'm pretty sure it was
the Internet's thing.
79
00:03:12,808 --> 00:03:14,638
s Peanut butter jelly,
peanut butter jelly s
80
00:03:14,644 --> 00:03:17,574
s Peanut butter jelly
with a baseball bat. s
81
00:03:19,548 --> 00:03:21,717
Hey, you remember
a few months ago
82
00:03:21,718 --> 00:03:24,647
when you scored that date with
that Victoria's Secret model
83
00:03:24,654 --> 00:03:26,514
and then ended up
sealing the deal?
84
00:03:26,522 --> 00:03:27,790
Oh, yeah. That was amazing.
85
00:03:27,792 --> 00:03:28,720
What was the date of that?
86
00:03:28,724 --> 00:03:33,024
August 15th.
August 15th!
You betcha!
87
00:03:36,632 --> 00:03:38,567
Now, I have to
leave enough time...
88
00:03:38,572 --> 00:03:39,435
Talking to yourself?
89
00:03:39,437 --> 00:03:40,895
Gyah...! Brian, Brian!
Hello!
90
00:03:40,903 --> 00:03:44,403
Stewie, I know you've been going
back in time to embarrass me.
91
00:03:44,407 --> 00:03:46,837
Oh, what-what,
that... come on!
92
00:03:46,842 --> 00:03:48,711
Oh, okay, then-then
where are you going now?
93
00:03:48,712 --> 00:03:50,711
Well, I have a-a-a very
important mission.
94
00:03:50,713 --> 00:03:52,773
Uh-huh. Let me see
that panel.
No, no, don't touch that!
95
00:03:52,782 --> 00:03:53,782
Come on,
let me see that!
Don't...
96
00:03:53,783 --> 00:03:54,843
Move out of the way!
No, you can't...
97
00:03:54,850 --> 00:03:56,786
I'm not gonna
let you do this...
You just touched my boob.
98
00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:57,816
I'm gonna tell Mom.
99
00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:01,660
(beeping rapidly,
electricity crackling)
100
00:04:30,753 --> 00:04:33,853
What happened?
101
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,725
Where are we?
I don't know.
102
00:04:35,726 --> 00:04:38,455
It's like...
we're not anywhere.
103
00:04:38,461 --> 00:04:40,361
Stewie, what the hell
did your machine do?!
104
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:41,893
Just calm down,
calm down, Brian.
105
00:04:41,897 --> 00:04:44,727
I've got the return pad.
106
00:04:44,734 --> 00:04:46,794
All right, step on.
107
00:04:47,503 --> 00:04:49,633
What happened?
108
00:04:49,638 --> 00:04:50,906
Good Lord!
109
00:04:50,908 --> 00:04:52,506
This is impossible!
110
00:04:52,508 --> 00:04:54,577
What?
Well, the
return pad works
111
00:04:54,578 --> 00:04:55,977
by first locking onto
our coordinates
112
00:04:55,978 --> 00:04:58,608
along the curve of the
space-time continuum.
113
00:04:58,614 --> 00:05:00,774
But it can't.
Why not?
114
00:05:00,783 --> 00:05:02,783
Well, the only explanation is...
115
00:05:02,785 --> 00:05:04,745
we've somehow been transported
116
00:05:04,754 --> 00:05:06,814
outside the space-time
continuum.
117
00:05:06,822 --> 00:05:08,457
I don't-I don't understand.
118
00:05:08,462 --> 00:05:09,687
STEWIE:
Non-existence.
119
00:05:09,692 --> 00:05:11,692
No past, no future.
120
00:05:11,694 --> 00:05:12,724
No universe.
121
00:05:12,728 --> 00:05:14,797
But still
somehow a large,
122
00:05:14,798 --> 00:05:17,027
brightly-colored promo
for The Cleveland Show.
123
00:05:17,032 --> 00:05:19,969
Hey, y'all,
it's The Cleveland Show!
124
00:05:19,972 --> 00:05:21,036
STEWIE:
Huh. That's weird.
125
00:05:21,039 --> 00:05:24,566
Black guys usually
don't promote themselves.
126
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,746
Come on, Stewie, can you
fix that damn thing or not?
127
00:05:30,751 --> 00:05:31,776
Well, it's not
broken, Brian.
128
00:05:31,781 --> 00:05:33,881
It operates according
to the laws of physics,
129
00:05:33,883 --> 00:05:36,613
but we're outside the
space-time continuum,
130
00:05:36,619 --> 00:05:39,759
so there are no laws
of physics-- watch.
131
00:05:42,591 --> 00:05:43,791
How the hell'd
you do that?
132
00:05:43,793 --> 00:05:45,453
No laws of physics, Brian.
133
00:05:45,461 --> 00:05:46,796
We create our own physics.
134
00:05:46,801 --> 00:05:47,826
See, watch this.
135
00:05:47,830 --> 00:05:48,930
(snaps fingers)
136
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,831
s Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh s
137
00:05:50,833 --> 00:05:52,793
s Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh... s
138
00:05:52,802 --> 00:05:54,737
s Heart and soul s
s Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh s
139
00:05:54,742 --> 00:05:56,937
s I fell in love with you s
s Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh s
140
00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,869
s Heart and soul s
s Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh s
141
00:05:58,874 --> 00:06:00,934
s The way a fool would do s
s Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh s
142
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,843
s Madly s
s Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh s
143
00:06:02,845 --> 00:06:05,975
s Because you held me tight s
s Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh s
144
00:06:05,981 --> 00:06:10,019
s And stole a kiss
in the night s
s Bum-bah, duh-duh, bum-bah... s
145
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,549
(chuckles)
Did I tell you?
146
00:06:11,554 --> 00:06:12,884
Yeah, that was good.
We were good.
147
00:06:12,888 --> 00:06:14,857
Yeah, th-that's why it
sucks that we're alone here.
148
00:06:14,858 --> 00:06:16,757
Because if-if-if
there were people here,
149
00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:18,527
they would say,
"That was good.
150
00:06:18,529 --> 00:06:19,595
You guys should
do that more."
151
00:06:19,597 --> 00:06:20,855
Oh, yeah, they totally
would, but look-look,
152
00:06:20,863 --> 00:06:21,893
I still want to
go home, Stewie.
153
00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:22,827
How do we get
outta here?
154
00:06:22,832 --> 00:06:25,935
Well, if I overload
the return pad's reactor,
155
00:06:25,942 --> 00:06:26,935
it might release enough energy
156
00:06:26,936 --> 00:06:29,936
to blow us back into the
universe, but it's too risky.
157
00:06:29,939 --> 00:06:31,039
But it could
get us home?
158
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:32,975
Well, maybe, but
it'll break my thing.
159
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:35,805
And if I overload that reactor,
we could both die.
160
00:06:35,811 --> 00:06:36,779
Well, you at least
have to try.
161
00:06:36,781 --> 00:06:40,479
And if you don't, I am gonna
spend the rest of eternity
162
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,913
chuckling at a joke that
I am not gonna share with you.
163
00:06:42,918 --> 00:06:46,055
(chuckles)
Oh, oh, man.
164
00:06:46,058 --> 00:06:47,885
What? What's the joke?
165
00:06:47,890 --> 00:06:49,058
(laughs)
Oh, yes!
166
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:52,758
What? What is it?
(laughs)
You-you can't say that!
167
00:06:52,761 --> 00:06:53,996
But it got said!
168
00:06:54,001 --> 00:06:55,596
Wha-what? What?!
By who?!
169
00:06:55,598 --> 00:06:56,866
All right, fine, fine!
170
00:06:56,868 --> 00:06:57,826
I'll try it,
you bastard!
171
00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:59,593
Now, step onto
the return pad.
172
00:06:59,602 --> 00:07:00,502
Now brace yourself.
173
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:03,733
Hopefully, the explosion
will propel us into reality.
174
00:07:03,739 --> 00:07:08,539
(beep, whirring,
electricity buzzing)
175
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:26,595
(electricity buzzing,
crackling)
176
00:07:29,598 --> 00:07:30,698
We made it.
Yeah, we made it.
177
00:07:30,699 --> 00:07:32,599
Okay, now tell
me the joke.
Oh, it's nothing really.
178
00:07:32,601 --> 00:07:34,801
It's just this bit about
a planned parenthood clinic
179
00:07:34,803 --> 00:07:35,903
on Halloween.
180
00:07:35,905 --> 00:07:38,535
Next.
181
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,878
Brian, I am about to
show you something
182
00:07:42,882 --> 00:07:44,678
that's gonna
blow your mind!
183
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,649
Do you know what the
big bang theory is?
184
00:07:46,650 --> 00:07:48,679
Yeah, the theory that
the universe started
185
00:07:48,684 --> 00:07:49,784
with a massive outward explosion
186
00:07:49,785 --> 00:07:52,855
from a singularity of infinite
mass and infinite density.
187
00:07:52,855 --> 00:07:54,915
Check out the big brain
on Brian.
188
00:07:54,924 --> 00:07:55,924
Good. Now, take a look.
189
00:07:55,925 --> 00:07:59,025
STEWIE: The universe's cosmic
background radiation,
190
00:07:59,028 --> 00:08:00,658
a kind of echo
of the big bang,
191
00:08:00,663 --> 00:08:04,663
precisely matches the energy
spectrum of my return pad!
192
00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:05,827
Well, what does
that mean?
193
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:08,894
It means my return pad's
explosion was the big bang.
194
00:08:08,904 --> 00:08:12,004
But the big bang happened, like,
billions of years ago.
195
00:08:12,007 --> 00:08:14,937
No, no-- we were outside
the space-time continuum.
196
00:08:14,944 --> 00:08:18,074
Time and space didn't
exist until my explosion.
197
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,916
Which means I created
the universe, Brian.
198
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,076
That doesn't make any sense.
199
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,184
You were born in the universe.
How could you create it?
200
00:08:24,186 --> 00:08:26,116
It's called a "temporal
causality loop."
201
00:08:26,121 --> 00:08:29,058
The universe created me,
so I could create it,
202
00:08:29,061 --> 00:08:31,858
so it could create
me and so on.
203
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,094
that's the most incredible
thing I've ever heard.
204
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,697
So, wait, that-that
means that...
205
00:08:36,699 --> 00:08:38,929
I kinda created
the universe, too.
206
00:08:38,934 --> 00:08:40,964
(wry laugh)
No, no, no, no.
207
00:08:40,970 --> 00:08:44,940
You're, you're sort of the
Art Garfunkel of the universe.
208
00:08:47,977 --> 00:08:51,707
Hey, Lois, check out what I
spelled with my Alpha-Bits.
209
00:08:51,714 --> 00:08:54,014
(laughing):
Oh, my God.
210
00:08:54,016 --> 00:08:56,886
Yeah! Now watch.
211
00:08:59,021 --> 00:09:00,789
(laughing):
Oh, maybe later,
212
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,119
you'll want
the real thing.
213
00:09:02,124 --> 00:09:04,054
(both laughing)
214
00:09:04,059 --> 00:09:05,689
I prefer the Alpha-Bits.
215
00:09:05,694 --> 00:09:07,124
Well, I'm off
to the farmers' market.
216
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,765
I've gotta pick up some
plutonium for a new return pad.
217
00:09:09,769 --> 00:09:12,765
In case I decide to make
another universe later.
218
00:09:12,768 --> 00:09:13,968
Plutonium at the
farmers' market?
219
00:09:13,969 --> 00:09:16,669
Yeah, I'm only using
organic plutonium now.
220
00:09:16,672 --> 00:09:18,107
Think globally:
buy locally.
221
00:09:18,112 --> 00:09:20,807
Hey, slut,
get me out of this.
222
00:09:20,809 --> 00:09:23,109
(crowd murmuring)
223
00:09:23,112 --> 00:09:25,848
Hello there, Yusuf.
Hey, Stewie!
224
00:09:25,852 --> 00:09:26,948
What can I get you?
225
00:09:26,949 --> 00:09:28,117
Oh, just a little
of the good stuff
226
00:09:28,119 --> 00:09:29,817
for a new time machine
return pad.
227
00:09:29,818 --> 00:09:30,318
Coming right up.
228
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,788
So, how's the whole
terrorism thing goin'?
229
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:35,988
Well, the good news is
my son died in a car bombing.
230
00:09:35,991 --> 00:09:39,028
The bad news is
he borrowed my car!
231
00:09:39,031 --> 00:09:42,998
s s
232
00:09:42,998 --> 00:09:44,867
(laughs)
233
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,670
Oh, that's
the other reason I come here.
234
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,170
Okay, so here
is your plutonium.
235
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:52,272
I hope you kill
my bitch wife with it.
236
00:09:52,274 --> 00:09:54,104
Whoa, whoa. Where's
that comin' from?
237
00:09:54,109 --> 00:09:57,046
Eh, I'm just a little upset
because she left me.
238
00:09:57,049 --> 00:10:00,676
I guess she didn't know
what "jihad."
239
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,143
s s
240
00:10:02,151 --> 00:10:03,218
Come on!
Oh, sorry!
241
00:10:03,221 --> 00:10:07,918
s s
242
00:10:08,423 --> 00:10:12,130
Stewie Griffin invented
a time machine.
243
00:10:37,152 --> 00:10:39,788
(gasps)
Bertram!
244
00:10:39,792 --> 00:10:40,856
Hello, Stewie.
245
00:10:40,858 --> 00:10:42,116
You don't realize it yet,
246
00:10:42,124 --> 00:10:45,084
but your life is about
to cease to exist.
247
00:10:45,094 --> 00:10:46,224
What are you talking about?
248
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:49,098
I am going to kill
one of your ancestors,
249
00:10:49,098 --> 00:10:52,167
effectively erasing you
from history!
250
00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:53,235
Here! Play with this!
251
00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:55,895
At least you can spend
your final moments
252
00:10:55,904 --> 00:10:57,134
doing something you enjoy.
253
00:10:57,139 --> 00:10:59,808
You know, it's funny, I had
actually stopped playing
254
00:10:59,809 --> 00:11:01,838
with that toy, but now that
I see you with it,
255
00:11:01,844 --> 00:11:03,174
I kinda want to play
with it again.
256
00:11:03,178 --> 00:11:04,078
(giddy laughter)
257
00:11:04,079 --> 00:11:06,179
Look at me! I'm mowing the lawn!
258
00:11:06,181 --> 00:11:07,116
(giddy laughter)
259
00:11:07,121 --> 00:11:09,116
(time machine hatch shuts)
260
00:11:12,888 --> 00:11:15,018
What the hell's
all that noise?
261
00:11:15,023 --> 00:11:16,083
Brian, it was Bertram!
262
00:11:16,091 --> 00:11:17,259
He's gone into the past,
263
00:11:17,261 --> 00:11:19,128
and he claims he's
going to...
264
00:11:19,129 --> 00:11:20,258
(gasps)
265
00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:22,262
Stewie, what's going on?!
266
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:24,194
(whooshing)
267
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,070
(gasps)
Peter, what was that?!
268
00:11:29,204 --> 00:11:31,964
(whooshing)
269
00:11:40,182 --> 00:11:43,792
Quick, Brian, into
the time machine!
270
00:11:44,186 --> 00:11:45,846
Stewie, what the hell
was that?!
271
00:11:45,854 --> 00:11:47,384
Those were ripples
in time, Brian,
272
00:11:47,389 --> 00:11:50,159
emanating from some
point in the past.
273
00:11:50,159 --> 00:11:51,889
And there's only
one explanation.
274
00:11:51,894 --> 00:11:55,024
Bertram told me he planned
to kill one of my ancestors.
275
00:11:55,030 --> 00:11:56,298
He must have succeeded,
276
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,798
thereby changing the
past and erasing... me.
277
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:01,036
But what has that got
to do with...?
278
00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:02,236
I created the universe, Brian!
279
00:12:02,237 --> 00:12:05,067
Bertram didn't know that by
removing me from history,
280
00:12:05,073 --> 00:12:07,273
I wouldn't be there to be
accidentally thrown outside
281
00:12:07,276 --> 00:12:09,236
the universe and subsequently
create it.
282
00:12:09,244 --> 00:12:11,174
So the universe never existed!
283
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:12,210
Well, we have
to stop him!
284
00:12:12,214 --> 00:12:15,514
Yes. Unfortunately,
Bertram took the
return pad with him,
285
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,986
so we'll only get
one shot at this.
286
00:12:18,486 --> 00:12:20,283
Now we'll have to
travel back in time
287
00:12:20,289 --> 00:12:23,158
to a point shortly before
Bertram's arrival.
288
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,928
Get ready, Brian.
289
00:12:37,105 --> 00:12:39,065
How long until
Bertram arrives?
290
00:12:39,074 --> 00:12:41,834
I can't be certain, but
I'd say about 15 minutes.
291
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,204
Where do you
think we are?
292
00:12:43,212 --> 00:12:44,279
I don't know.
293
00:12:44,282 --> 00:12:46,849
Looks like...
the Renaissance.
294
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:47,349
It does.
295
00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:49,418
This doesn't count
as our trip to Italy.
296
00:12:49,419 --> 00:12:52,048
Brian, look!
There's the Mona Lisa.
297
00:12:52,888 --> 00:12:53,488
And it's unfinished!
298
00:12:53,488 --> 00:12:57,288
We must be in Leonardo
da Vinci's studio!
(footsteps)
299
00:12:57,292 --> 00:12:59,162
Quick! Someone's coming!
300
00:13:05,901 --> 00:13:09,101
(gasps)
That must be Leonardo da Vinci!
301
00:13:09,104 --> 00:13:11,234
Stewie, he looks
just like you!
302
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,640
Da Vinci must be
my ancestor.
303
00:13:13,642 --> 00:13:15,142
Good Lord!
304
00:13:15,143 --> 00:13:17,043
That's who Bertram's
here to kill!
305
00:13:17,045 --> 00:13:18,875
So that means
you're Italian.
306
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:19,381
Of course!
307
00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:21,650
My love for SpaghettiOs
and smoking on the toilet.
308
00:13:21,651 --> 00:13:23,185
It all makes sense.
309
00:13:23,190 --> 00:13:24,245
Ew.
310
00:13:31,326 --> 00:13:33,295
My God, da Vinci
is your ancestor!
311
00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:35,125
But why would
Bertram go back
312
00:13:35,130 --> 00:13:36,160
this far
to get rid of you?
313
00:13:36,164 --> 00:13:38,324
Ah, you're forgetting I
initially encountered Bertram
314
00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:41,033
as a sperm in one
of the fat man's balls,
315
00:13:41,036 --> 00:13:43,105
so he couldn't get rid
of the fat man
316
00:13:43,106 --> 00:13:45,005
or any recent ancestor
on my father's side.
317
00:13:45,007 --> 00:13:47,376
Bertram had to go back
enough generations
318
00:13:47,377 --> 00:13:49,306
to make sure he
was snuffing out
319
00:13:49,311 --> 00:13:51,046
the ancestral source
of my genius
320
00:13:51,051 --> 00:13:52,246
without affecting his own.
321
00:13:52,247 --> 00:13:54,177
And apparently, it's
Leonardo da Vinci.
322
00:13:54,182 --> 00:13:56,351
DA VINCI:
Boy, I'm-a sick of da pizza.
323
00:13:56,352 --> 00:13:58,587
Well, we've gotta stop Bertram.
What are we gonna do?
324
00:13:58,591 --> 00:14:01,356
Don't worry, Brian,
I'll come up with something.
325
00:14:01,357 --> 00:14:02,356
Remember, I'm a genius.
326
00:14:02,357 --> 00:14:03,387
Like Thomas Edison.
327
00:14:03,392 --> 00:14:06,295
Thomas, what are
you doing?!
328
00:14:06,302 --> 00:14:08,295
Experimenting.
329
00:14:10,098 --> 00:14:11,428
Brian, look!
330
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,263
(whirring, buzzing)
331
00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:17,267
Mama mia!
What is this-a?!
332
00:14:17,272 --> 00:14:19,975
Leonardo da Vinci, I presume.
333
00:14:19,982 --> 00:14:22,105
Who are you-a,
little-a lisping baby?
334
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:26,150
Your assassin,
you overrated caricaturist!
335
00:14:29,051 --> 00:14:29,618
(gasps)
Stewie!
336
00:14:29,621 --> 00:14:32,087
That's my name,
don't wear it out.
337
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:33,487
(laughs)
338
00:14:33,488 --> 00:14:35,988
See, that's
brand-new to him.
339
00:15:03,418 --> 00:15:06,418
(creaking)
340
00:15:40,055 --> 00:15:41,355
Ey!
341
00:15:41,356 --> 00:15:42,316
Ey!
342
00:16:17,459 --> 00:16:20,459
You're about to be yesterday's
hopscotch chalk
343
00:16:20,462 --> 00:16:22,831
on a sidewalk, Stewie!
344
00:16:22,832 --> 00:16:23,498
Erased!
345
00:16:23,501 --> 00:16:25,428
Yeah, no, I-I got
the metaphor,
346
00:16:25,434 --> 00:16:26,734
but, Bertram, if
you erase me,
347
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:28,235
you'll destroy
the universe!
348
00:16:28,236 --> 00:16:29,466
What are you talking about?
349
00:16:29,471 --> 00:16:30,571
Listen to him, Bertram!
It's true!
350
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:34,276
Brian and I were trapped outside
the space-time continuum
351
00:16:34,282 --> 00:16:35,506
and the only way for us
352
00:16:35,510 --> 00:16:38,380
to get back was to overload
my old return pad!
353
00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:40,549
The resulting explosion
was the big bang!
354
00:16:40,550 --> 00:16:42,579
So if you kill me,
you're killing yourself
355
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:46,114
and everything else that ever
existed or will exist!
356
00:16:47,456 --> 00:16:49,086
Worth it!
357
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:50,491
(groans)
358
00:16:52,527 --> 00:16:55,127
You fool!
359
00:17:12,581 --> 00:17:14,421
(grunts)
360
00:17:15,650 --> 00:17:16,518
Hey, Bertram,
361
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,418
what's your favorite kind
of bottled water?
362
00:17:19,421 --> 00:17:20,388
Huh?
363
00:17:20,391 --> 00:17:22,218
Mine's Arrowhead.
364
00:17:22,224 --> 00:17:24,554
(groans)
365
00:17:26,394 --> 00:17:29,194
Wow, that was...
366
00:17:29,197 --> 00:17:30,567
dramatic.
367
00:17:32,734 --> 00:17:35,494
My God, he's really dead.
368
00:17:35,504 --> 00:17:37,404
This is it.
369
00:17:37,905 --> 00:17:41,476
But why hasn't the universe
ceased to exist?
370
00:17:41,476 --> 00:17:42,636
I don't know.
371
00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:43,674
Unless...
372
00:17:43,678 --> 00:17:46,378
there's still a chance
of me being born.
373
00:17:46,381 --> 00:17:47,581
But da Vinci is dead...
374
00:17:47,582 --> 00:17:49,618
Yes, but we're still here.
375
00:17:49,622 --> 00:17:51,548
So I must have done, or will do,
376
00:17:51,553 --> 00:17:54,153
something that will save
the universe.
377
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:57,186
If I can just figure out
what that is.
378
00:17:57,692 --> 00:18:00,302
Oh! Bertram just
voided his bowels.
379
00:18:00,795 --> 00:18:04,232
The genetic material needed
for my creation is inside me.
380
00:18:04,232 --> 00:18:06,368
So I'll take da Vinci's place
and pass it on.
381
00:18:06,372 --> 00:18:08,668
Wait, how did you get
that from "bowels"?
Huh?
382
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,639
I'm just wondering how
you got that from...
383
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:11,606
You know what?
I don't care.
384
00:18:11,609 --> 00:18:12,806
Will, will that
work, though?
385
00:18:12,807 --> 00:18:14,337
You taking
da Vinci's place?
386
00:18:14,342 --> 00:18:15,742
Only one way to find out.
387
00:18:15,744 --> 00:18:18,504
All right, I'm going
to send you back five minutes
388
00:18:18,513 --> 00:18:20,473
after we disappeared
in the time machine.
389
00:18:20,482 --> 00:18:21,482
If all goes well,
390
00:18:21,483 --> 00:18:23,943
the universe should be
intact this time.
391
00:18:23,952 --> 00:18:24,786
Good luck, old friend.
392
00:18:24,792 --> 00:18:28,486
Hopefully, I'll be leaving you
a future to return to.
393
00:18:28,490 --> 00:18:30,690
I'm gonna miss you, Stewie.
394
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:32,262
Good luck.
395
00:18:50,445 --> 00:18:52,675
You did it, Stewie.
396
00:18:52,681 --> 00:18:54,551
You did it.
397
00:19:03,592 --> 00:19:04,592
(sighs)
398
00:19:04,593 --> 00:19:06,523
(knocking on door)
399
00:19:08,563 --> 00:19:09,723
Uh... can I help you?
400
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:12,000
(Italian accent):
Are you Brian Griffin?
401
00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:12,530
Yes.
402
00:19:12,534 --> 00:19:14,764
I'm-a from the Vatican,
and this is for you.
403
00:19:14,769 --> 00:19:15,599
What is it?
404
00:19:15,604 --> 00:19:17,964
The Vatican has been
holding this note for you
405
00:19:17,973 --> 00:19:19,433
for about 500 years.
406
00:19:19,441 --> 00:19:22,641
It was left to us by
Leonardo da Vinci himself,
407
00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:24,574
with instructions
that it be delivered
408
00:19:24,579 --> 00:19:30,285
to you on this exact-a
date at this exact-a time.
409
00:19:30,289 --> 00:19:31,645
STEWIE:
Dear Brian,
410
00:19:31,653 --> 00:19:32,843
It's been a week since you left,
411
00:19:32,854 --> 00:19:35,384
and I'm pretty sure I've set things right.
412
00:19:35,390 --> 00:19:37,726
So I've built a cryogenic stasis device,
413
00:19:37,730 --> 00:19:40,626
and am placing myself inside it, leaving instructions for it
414
00:19:40,629 --> 00:19:42,697
to be buried in very specific coordinates
415
00:19:42,699 --> 00:19:44,797
in what will be future Quahog.
416
00:19:44,799 --> 00:19:46,668
If everything goes according to plan,
417
00:19:46,669 --> 00:19:49,368
I will have spent the next 500 years
418
00:19:49,371 --> 00:19:51,506
buried beneath our basement.
419
00:19:51,511 --> 00:19:52,266
Oh, my God!
420
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:56,334
(clears throat)
A tip is-a customary!
421
00:20:11,559 --> 00:20:12,689
(clunk)
422
00:20:19,768 --> 00:20:22,338
Stewie!
423
00:20:23,438 --> 00:20:24,338
(whoosh)
424
00:20:24,339 --> 00:20:25,739
Stewie! Stewie, you okay?!
425
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:29,340
(high-pitched voice): You gotta
kiss him to wake him up.
426
00:20:29,344 --> 00:20:30,804
What?
I'm not gonna kiss you.
427
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:33,481
Stewie can't hear you.
He's not awake.
428
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,016
Only a kiss will wake him up.
429
00:20:35,021 --> 00:20:36,346
Well, I better get Meg.
430
00:20:36,351 --> 00:20:38,551
Oh, oh, oh, where am I?
Wha...?
431
00:20:38,553 --> 00:20:39,643
Stewie, what the hell happened?!
432
00:20:39,654 --> 00:20:41,754
Oh, well, shortly
after you left,
433
00:20:41,756 --> 00:20:42,786
da Vinci's girlfriend
showed up,
434
00:20:42,791 --> 00:20:45,491
so I injected her
with my DNA.
435
00:20:45,493 --> 00:20:46,523
You had sex?
436
00:20:46,528 --> 00:20:48,828
No, I put my DNA
inside her.
437
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:49,730
Right. You had sex.
438
00:20:49,731 --> 00:20:50,765
No, what are
you not getting?
439
00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:52,965
I put a sample of my
DNA in a syringe
440
00:20:52,967 --> 00:20:54,667
and I injected her
on the staircase,
441
00:20:54,669 --> 00:20:55,737
the couch and
the balcony.
442
00:20:55,739 --> 00:20:57,437
Well, whatever
the case, thank God.
443
00:20:57,439 --> 00:20:58,069
Yeah, I know. Oh, hey,
444
00:20:58,073 --> 00:21:01,773
I brought you something
from da Vinci's workshop.
445
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,474
A candle?
I can get a candle now.
446
00:21:04,479 --> 00:21:06,779
You couldn't have
grabbed me one of his
original notebooks?
447
00:21:06,781 --> 00:21:09,017
You know, I didn't have
to bring you back anything.
448
00:21:09,021 --> 00:21:11,787
It's almost like
you didn't.
33784
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