Original subtitles

-Thank you very much. Welcome, everybody.

Welcome, welcome. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

You're here. You made it.

Thank you for watching at home. Fun show tonight.

Let's get to some news first.

Well, guys, this is big.

Today, the White House asked Congress

to give them $200 billion in additional funding

for the war in Iran.

Yeah, $200 billion.

President Trump heard and was like,

"Iran must be getting one hell of a ballroom.

That's ballroom money."

Of course, the war continues to drive up oil prices,

but today Trump downplayed it,

saying that he actually expected them to be worse.

Although it wasn't a great sign

that he said that from the back of an Uber Pool.

Meanwhile, Vice President JD Vance just admitted

that gas prices will keep going up.

And this was odd, he actually explained the whole situation

using a bunch of his own popular internet memes.

Take a look, he said...

[ Laughter ]

Then...

Then added...

There you go.

Very interesting statement from --

That's our vice president who said that.

Now, the big story is still the ongoing war in Iran.

Trump asked all the NATO countries to send ships

to help him unblock the Strait of Hormuz,

but he's not getting a lot of positive responses.

Let's take a minute to do a roll call and see

how each country replied to Trump.

UK -- no.

Finland -- no.

Norway -- no way.

Trump was like, "Um, okay."

Germany -- no.

Iceland -- no.

Spain -- hard pass.

Trump was like, "But I need gas."

Sweden said, "Bad idea."

Trump said, "I'll invade IKEA."

Italy said, "We're not starting."

"Can I still have Olive Garden?"

France said, "Sorry, it's not happening."

"What did you just say? I was napping. "

Latvia said, "Won't go far."

"You're lucky I don't know where you are."

Another no -- Estonia.

"Wow, I'm getting lonely, bruh."

Hungary and Luxembourg --

"Those two just flipped me the bird."

Denmark, Turkey, Belgium, too.

"Screw you and you and also you."

Poland, Greece, and all the rest.

"I can't believe you all swiped left."

[ Cheers and applause ]

I don't know where -- If you're watching at home,

I don't know where you're how to swipe left.

Yeah. Too much math for me. Get this.

To combat high oil prices,

Trump has temporarily waived the Jones Act,

which affects US shipping.

Now, if you don't understand the Jones Act,

don't worry, 'cause very few people

have heard of the Jones Act.

So we actually put together this educational video.

-Hey, today we're going to learn about the Jones Act

by using an acronym and a mnemonic device.

The acronym is ships, of course.

That's S.H.I.P.S. You still with me?

Good, cause the next one's even easier.

It's a mnemonic to learn the details of the Jones Act.

The Jones Act is...

So sing it with me. Here we go.

-♪ Kalied-o-bility ♪

[ Laughter ]

-My God, who is that guy?

-I don't know, he's brilliant. -Yeah, he's--

Oh, no, no, no. -Oh, no!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Thank you. Thank you.

Good to see you. No, no, no, no.

Don't get everybody clapping.

Good to see you, bud.

Thank you.

He's lost it.

He's lost his mind. -Now I know the Jones Act.

-We've lost our minds here.

Well, switching gears, everybody is excited about this.

Today, March Madness officially began.

That's right.

And there was already a big upset with High Point University

beating Wisconsin.

Ooh! Yeah.

In the tournament, the teams go from 64 to 32

to 16 to 8 to 4.

Or as it's also known, Trump's approval rating.

And yeah, March Madness has tipped off.

And I noticed that during the games,

each team usually gets to air a commercial for their school.

You probably got to see them before.

For example, here's an ad for number three seed Virginia.

-The University of Virginia,

located in beautiful Charlottesville,

a place for scholarship,

a place of excellence

with world class professors

and state of the art research facilities.

Come to UVA and learn what it means to be a Cavalier.

We are Virginia.

-Yeah. Nice. Yeah.

It's cool. So, I mean, like that.

Now here's one for number 14 seed Wright State.

Watch this.

-Wright State located in beautiful Connecticut

or Maryland, maybe Iowa?

A place that's...Wright.

A place that's...state.

With world class Wright

and state of the art state.

Come to Wright State

and learn what it means to be a student at Wright State.

-We don't know where there--

-We don't know.

Don't know if they're in the right state.

-Well, some entertainment news.

Amazon just announced that their new reboot

of the classic show "American Gladiators"

premieres next month.

That's gonna be fun.

I used to love "American Gladiators."

Like Nitro, Turbo -- those guys were awesome.

Tariq, were you a big fan of "American Gladiator"?

-Uh, no.

-Never a fan? How about you, Quest?

-Nah, man, it's too intense.

-Yeah. What about you, James?

-I know I could, Jimmy,

because I was an American gladiator.

My gladiator name was Hernia.

And my catchphrase was --

My catchphrase was, "Time to make the donuts."

This is what I looked like.

[ Laughter ]

But starring on the TV show

wasn't enough to satisfy my lust for combat.

So I became a actual gladiator. -What?

-I went to the Colosseum,

engaged the Romans in battle

and yelled, "Are you not entertained?"

And then it turns out they haven't had a gladiator

for 1,622 years.

And I had actually just beaten up a random Italian man.

[ Laughter ] -What?

-In fact, I brought that man here tonight

so I could apologize to him in Italian.

[ In Italian ]

[ Laughter ]

-That was -- -Wow!

-That was really -- -Beautiful.

-Very touching. It was beautiful.

Thank you. Hernia, everybody. Hernia.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Wow. Heartfelt. -It was beautiful.

It was touching.

And finally, I saw that Costco is selling a two-foot tall,

10 pound chocolate Easter bunny.

-Ooh. -Eating it is tough.

You never know whether to start with the ears or the insulin.

We have a great show.

Give it up for The Roots, everybody.

-♪ To the best of our knowledge ♪

♪ I guess that I'm fresh ♪

♪ When I manifest, I do a request of what's going on ♪

♪ Let's go, this is the joint ♪

♪ Coming at ya ♪

-Oh, yeah!

Whoa! Uh...

Hey, everyone, March Madness is here.

And one of my favorite things is

when fans try to distract the other teams

when they're shooting foul shots.

It's hilarious. Yeah, it's -- Look at this one.

It's Moses. He splits the--

Is that genius or what? Yeah.

Well, they get really --

It's genius.

They get really creative and fun with it.

Well, we wanted to get in on that, okay?

So we made this.

Where is it? Okay, here we go.

All right, so this is the --

This is the Jimmy Fallon --

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's the Jimmy Fallon googly eyes, okay?

So now if you want the other team to miss a free throw,

just hold this up and shake it around, okay?

And then get googly eyes, do the work.

And we actually also put a strap-on a helmet here,

in case you want to just wear it and just dance around.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So it's very easy to wear. -Yeah.

No headache. -We're going to be sending these out

to the Xfinity Mobile Arena

in Philadelphia tomorrow, okay?

So if you're at the game

these are legit going to the arena tomorrow.

If you're at the game

and you see a giant head with googly eyes,

pick it up, shake it up, go crazy.

We want to see you.

We want to see it on -- on -- on the camera.

We want you to distract people.

And if it's if it's funny, we're going to put it on the show.

-Yeah. -But the game's tomorrow.

Boy! Yeah, the game's tomorrow.

We have, uh, Virginia versus Wright State.

-Oh, there you go! They're the Wright State, yeah.

-That's tomorrow at 1:50 p.m.

We have Tennessee versus Miami. That's at 4:25 p.m.

UCLA versus UCF at 7:25 p.m.,

and UConn versus Furman at 10 p.m.

-Whoa. -Any of those games,

look for this.

And when you see it, shake it and go crazy, baby.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It also could work, like,

you could make it like a almost like a cornhole, right?

-Oh, wow.

If you lay it there... -Yeah.

And just throw stuff at it.

-Yeah, just -- Did you cut out the mouth?

-Got to put a hole in the mouth. -You cut out the hole--

-Careful. -Never mind don't put a hole.

-Don't put a hole in the mouth. Never mind.

No, no, stop, stop, stop.

-Just use it -- -Cornhole!

-Use it like you're supposed to use it.

-Make it a charcuterie board.

-Never mind that idea.

Guys, it is the end of the week.

Uh, someone's gonna make a cornhole game.

-Yeah, they are.

-I'm gonna see it on the internet.

Yeah, yeah.

-You're gonna see it on Reddit.

-It's the end of the week.

That's when I catch up with some personal stuff.

I check my inbox, return some e-mails,

and, of course, I send out Thank You Notes.

[ Cheers and applause ] And I was just running--

Thank you. I was just--

They like-- Because they're very courteous.

-Oh, they're very nice. -Well, the thing is,

I was running a little behind today,

so I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind,

I'd like to write out my weekly Thank You Notes right now.

Is that okay?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Uh, Hernia, can I get some

Thank You Note writing music, please?

-Oh, yeah. -There he is. Hernia.

-That's Hernia from "American Gladiators."

-That's the real one. -Yeah.

The Hernia. -Yeah. The Hernia.

He'll sign autographs after the show.

-Yeah. With his bulge.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, phone contact list,

for containing 10 people I actually talk to

and 100 people I forgot even existed.

It's like, "Oh. Who is Larry Thinson"?

-Yeah.

♪♪

-Thank you, Trump's strategy with the Iran war,

for being just like families on Father's Day: no plans.

[ Laughter ]

-Oh! -You don't have any...?

-What are we doing? -We're just gonna wing it.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Thank you, silk,

for being the fanciest fabric to come out of a wormhole.

-Wow! Wow. That's what you're calling it? A wormhole?

-I didn't-- Yes. I did.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-You just thought of that? -That's correct.

Oh, yeah. These aren't written. I'm thinking of--

-Yeah, you're thinking of them right now, yeah.

♪♪

-Thank you, Kraft American Cheese Singles,

for being the Post-It Notes of the dairy world.

Ah. -Thoom! Thwat!

-They should make, like, edible ink.

-Yeah. -To write notes in your grilled cheese.

-Yeah. -Why not?

-Hey. -Do something different, man.

♪♪

Thank you, handwritten letters,

for being the acoustic version of e-mails.

[ Scattered laughter ]

-Come on! [ Cheers and applause ]

-No, no! Don't! Don't! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Wow. -Wow.

You're being very nice. You're being very nice.

-That's pity applause.

-One guy sitting in the front like, "Absolutely not."

-Yeah. No. -"I refuse."

-"You're not getting this smile."

-"No way, man!"

♪♪

Thank you, weeds, for giving me something

to pull or wack in my front yard without getting arrested.

-Wow! Whoa! Spicy!

Wow! That's what you're calling it? Weeds? Okay.

Pull or yank? -Yeah.

-Alright.

-I don't know if you're gonna top that one.

-I think you're going to. -Here we go.

♪♪

Thank you, fun socks,

for letting my feet go through a midlife crisis.

There you have it, everybody. Those are our Thank You Notes.

We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show."

Come on back, everybody.