Original subtitles

Charles Conch.

- Visionary. - A piece of shit.

- Founder. - Dickhead.

- Father. - Crook.

A man of many convictions.

Most of which were eventually overturned.

Bullshit.

Oh my Jesus.

Crocodile tears, man.

Sorry, Daddy.

I'm so sorry. God, he hated,

he hated when people cried.

Daddy always said, "If you have to cry

"at least have the decency to do it with the engine running

"and a hose out the window attached to the exhaust."

Because life is unfair, Todd.

Fuck me.

He was a simple man.

He didn't have a whole lot of hobbies.

Um, he liked diesel engines.

Uh, danishes, he really liked those.

Gosh, he used to like to lick all that, uh,

icing off all the danishes and then put 'em back into the box

and he'd be like, "Don't waste that.

"There's, there's still a lot of good danish in there."

- Ugh. - Oh geez.

Like someone was actually gonna eat it.

There goes my appetite.

You know, someone usually did.

I think I probably ate like 200 of those pre-licked danishes.

- Mine too. - That's disgusting.

All right, let's do this.

Sick joke.

She thinks he's going to heaven?

Not a chance.

Here we go. Open your mouths, boys.

- What a waste. - It's gonna drop.

Oopsie daisy.

What is she doing?

What's happening now?

Mr. Conch?

- Don't do it! - Oh, no, no, don't do it, Jenn.

No, no, no,

Don't do it!.

There's your lunch!

He's in my mouth!

He's in my mouth and my soul!

All right. How the fuck am I gettin' down from here?

Jump!

What?

Give her a shove, Conchie.

Tastes like, uh, danishes.

Are you gonna wear that on your lunch date?

Yeah. It's my lucky shirt.

You got dead guy on you.

What?

Oh shit! I don't have time to go and change!

Come here. Let's wash it.

You too, huh?

Wait. You seeing Daina today like this?

Yep.

A bit of advice. I- - Nope.

You're not gonna be my dating coach, Dewey!

I've dated!

You've been cat-fished twice!

True.

By the same woman. I'm good!

I still have a shot with that chick but listen...

Daina has high standards.

You know what they say,

second date, make or break.

You have no idea what they say, ya turd shovel.

This has to come off. Let's wash it.

You know, I'm rooting for you, bro.

Good to know, Dewey.

I'm rooting for us.

You might get lucky tonight.

Oh my god. You think so?

I fucking hope so.

My condolences about Charles.

It was so sudden.

Woohoo!

Huh?

Uh, was he ill?

No. His, uh, cellmate stabbed him 26 times with a spork.

Oh.

But I was told it was peaceful and quick.

What's a spork?

It's halfway between a fork and a spoon.

I was in Peru at a wellness retreat

when I heard the sad news

making some big life decisions.

So, I'm back.

And I'm here to learn everything about this dang business

from the ground up.

Oh no, Jenn, you don't wanna work here.

Did you forget this?

This is team building at its finest.

This is really your screen saver?

Don't you have pictures of a niece or a cat

you can put up there, Chelsea?

I'm counting 46 middle fingers in this photo.

It's the most unified the crew has ever been.

Need I remind you that after the plant unionized,

thanks to you, Chelsea...

That's right.

Our stock price tanked!

CornPulse got a bigger market share,

and it broke Daddy's heart.

Now I am the only Conch left, so I am here to learn it all,

learn all the trades, to weld, to excavate, to...

forklift shit.

You're not certified or insured!

Or remotely capabale!

You could pair her with somebody who is.

Todd! Get over here!

Can you take Ms. Conch on a plant tour today?

That is a great idea.

Sure! No, yeah.

I would love to do that shit.

Come on, Jenn, I'll show you the ropes.

Great. Where are those ropes?

Thanks, Chels.

God speed.

Oh!

Jesus Christ.

Coming up on the right here, you got your boilermakers.

They're the knuckle-draggers of the crew.

Spend most of their day stuffed in a hole.

Hey boys! Yoohoo!

You got your electricians here.

Highest paid, least liked.

You're not smart enough to be an engineer,

you're an electrician.

Look. They're waving at ya.

Fuck you!

And your painters.

They're all totally fucked from the fumes.

Hey! That guy looks like Todd.

He looks like Todd from work.

What do you got there?

Uh, these are my vitamins.

It's a, uh, it's an herb from Peru.

Here. - I'm good.

I'm old school.

I like my drugs from my dealer.

Oh no, these will fix everything,

except boners apparently.

Well, I'm on the clock. I gotta stay sharp.

Believe it or not, this is a very dangerous place to work.

Can you hold this for me? Thank you!

Oh shit, shit, shit. Oh. - Fuck!

Jesus Christ.

Ahhhh! Holy shit!

Watch out! Fuck!

Jesus!

Fuck me!

Well why are you standing in the middle of the road?

Why are you driving like a fucking maniac?

You know what? Fuck it!

Maybe I will take these pills.

Uh huh. That should help you.

Okay. Steph here is gonna be taking over the tour now.

You're in excellent hands.

Fuck you, Todd!

Do me a solid here, okay? I'm running a bit late.

What is this? Take your nepo boss to work day?

You almost just fucking killed me, man.

Hey, Trades Barbie.

Roach, let's go. Shirt swap.

Ohh.

Okay, here you go.

Whoa. What do we got here?

Whoa.

Do you even know what those are?

Yeah, of course. I'm not reckless.

Pills, man.

What kind of vibes can I expect?

Don't know. Apparently they fix everything so good luck.

Whoa.

These better fucking work.

Right on, man. Mystery pills.

Hmm. What I normally tell Dewey is you just... and...

Yeah, no, no. I, I, I, I got it.

Just between your fingers though.

Just, you just want to put it between your...

it's like you're holding a pencil sort of.

You know what? You could just ask for a fork.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm good.

Must be the pills I'm on.

Some slippery little guys, huh?

Uh yeah.

Uh, sorry, big guy.

You can keep that if you like.

We got a runner!

Bakatare.

Did you hear that?

Shit. Are you, are you okay?

You got allergies?

No, I've just been getting colour triggered migraines.

Nice. No.

Not really actually.

I'm just sensitive to

ooh, visual overload.

High contrast.

That shirt, wow!

That is an aggressive pattern.

Yes it is!

Hmm. Are those neon flamingos?

Yeah and they're playin' saxophone!

Sorry, I, it's actually borrowed.

You should see the one I was gonna wear.

It's covered in a dead guy's body dust.

Yeah, I got nothing. Um...

Phew. It's hot in here, huh?

That's soy sauce.

I'm just gonna hit the shitter real quick.

Or the toilet. Do you want anything?

From the shitter?

Well sometimes they have those baskets

with the little bottles of mouth wash, gum, condoms.

Tampons. - Tampons. You need tampons?

Nope. I'm- - I'm your guy. I got you.

I'm good. - Okay.

I'll be right there.

Wah-ha!

Oh shit. That's the kitchen.

Only the employees can piss in there, I bet.

Hello?

- There it is! - Yep.

You're good? - I am good.

Good luck with that.

No to the tampons, right?

Yep. I'm good. Thank you!

Hey! - No, no, no, no lady.

Not another step without a hard hat.

I just had a blowout

and those dumb safety hats make dents in my forehead.

They make dents in everyone's foreheads.

Fine. But if I get helmet acne, that's on you guys.

- Here. - Uh uh. Uh uh.

Yeah, no, Ms. Conch, you can't wear those.

You can't wear sunglasses.

I think I'm good. They're Versace.

Prescription for chronic hotness.

Okay, listen to me.

Always stay at least six feet away from anybody

that's handling tools or equipment.

Got it.

And always announce your presence.

Okay. Your wish is my command, lady safety steward.

Okay. - Ugh!

Oh shit!

Oh fuck!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

And... we're in trouble.

Unless we bury the body.

I hit her real good. Shit.

Okay. You're all right.

You got this.

Calm the fuck down.

Are you... me?

Am I... you?

Are you okay or ...?

I've got this and you've got this.

Whoa, what the fuck is happening now?

I'm not a video call guy.

This is not a good time, Dewey.

Hey, buddy. Just checkin' in.

Listen, the second date is when Daina usually bails, okay?

At least that's what happened with Steve

and Nelson and Enrique and...

Why are you telling me this?

You keep cuttin' out.

I can only hear every third word.

Oh, are you underwater?

Why the fuck would I be underwater?

I took some of Jenn Conch's jungle cult pills and I'm fucked.

I think I just offered to bring your sister gifts

from the men's restroom.

Aw, that was nice of you.

Like a mint?

Hey, can you grab me something too?

Oh, one of those origami folded towels.

Yeah, yeah, I'll, I'll take one too.

Fuck.

Now it looks like my pupils are doing different jobs.

One's chilling and one's exploding!

It looks pretty awesome, Todd.

Hold on a second, Dewey.

What's up, Homer?

Hey, Todd. Listen, quick question.

What channels do you want?

I added some truther streamers,

stuff the deep state wants scrubbed from existence.

No, no, no, no, no, no! You are not spiralling today!

Breathe out the chem!

Breathe in the trails and call your sponsor!

- Copy that. - Huh?

- Breathing in... - Huh? Huh?

And breathing out.

Oh, say someone accidentally spilled some, uh...

Salsa and queso into your chlorine cesspool.

Got it right in the filter.

What the fuck did you do?!

I don't have time for this!

You're gonna have to drain it,

drain the whole system!

Grab a bucket,

scoop the shit outta there

or you're gonna ruin the plumbing.

All that shit's gonna back everything up.

And I'm not cleaning it myself!

You setting tile in there or what?

Just a minute!

Fix my fucking hot tub!

"Everything okay, Todd"?

Shit. Uh, all good!

Just cleaning up in here.

Send.

What the fuck did I just text her?

Ah fuck.

Are you still there, Dewey?

Yeah.

Sounds like it's going well.

No it is not fucking going well, you fucking pissant.

I been in the crapper for I don't even know how long, like...

The whole restaurant, and Daina, they

all probably think I shit myself.

Well, she's seen worse.

When? When has she seen worse?

Uh, our softball game.

Medhi's coffee enema that gave you diarrhea.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember, Dewey.

Thanks for bringing that up again.

Real fuckin' helpful.

Okay.

You're okay.

You got this.

- Sorry bud. - Fucking finally.

"Had to run, parent teacher interviews"?

Paid the bill?

What the fuck does a poof of air emoji mean?

It means fart, shit boy.

I will keep seeing him.

I will. I love him I llso much, Daddy.

Fuck. This is bad.

That wasn't there before, was it?

Is that a concussion?

I don't fuckin' know.

Did her head get pregnant?

What happened? She okay?

Yeah, she's, she's fine. She's resting.

Nap time.

Better hope it's not a brain bleed.

- Or you two are fucked. - Yeah.

Might be a good time to get her passwords.

Yeah, it's party girl 69.

Ye, I love 69! Woo!

So what's the play here?

Like, do I call her up and mention the bathroom incident?

Do I lean into that?

Ghost her.

You can't recover from that.

She thinks you had diarrhea again.

No, don't ghost her.

Just be honest.

Daina, I like you. Want to grab a drink?

Isn't it better just to own it?

Hey Daina, what's up?

Funny story about why I took so long in the bathroom,

I took these jungle pills that completely took my head off!

But I did not have a nuclear shit explosio

in my pants again.

That is not better.

Hard to even imagine worse.

You told me to be honest.

Not that honest!

Like is the goal to remind her

of the worst two minutes of your life?

Right?

Where's Backwoods?

Enough of this shit.

Communication is the oxygen of any good relationship.

Shut up.

Has she consumed any drugs or alcohol in the past 24 hours?

Probably.

Hello. From inside my mouth.

Is she usually this weird?

I mean, honestly? Hard to tell the difference.

I've got some good news for you.

You got a strong heartbeat,

very healthy vitals,

but I hate to be the one to tell you,

you got a serious case of resting bitch face.

Okay. That's enough.

Seriously, it's terminal.

Let's get her outta here.

Oh my gosh. - Tanner, out of there.

All right. - Okay.

In the chair.

Into the chair. - Okay.

Oh.

- We're gonna get you out of here. - Where is she?

Chelsea, my daddy always said

that you were the best employee he ever had,

and I know that's true.

I am here today to regain that trust.

It starts now. See those girls over there?

They tried to warn me about the safety hat and I didn't listen.

So I am committed to regaining your respect.

Even if it takes five months or five years.

I'm not going anywhere, girlfriend,

till I get the job done, okay?

Fantastic, Jenn.

Five fuckin' years?

All right, go. Pull her out.

Off to Urgent Care.

Bye.

It's not moving. Sorry.

This doesn't usually happen.

Okay. - What's the problem?

Off to Urgent Care.

You know what? Forget it, I'm walking.

Ma'am? - Keep up with me!

Okay, you two. There are protocols so these types of accidents don't happen.

There are consequences to the...

Blah, blah, blah. You're good.

What? - We're good good?

Yeah, you're good.

Okay. Our lucky day.

Oh. Mmm.

Backwoods.

Nice mammaries.

Mm hmm. Mm hmm My sexy man.

How's that going anyway?

Is he a gentleman?

You know, like you first?

Yeah, me first and second and some nights third.

Yeah, we have a hot date tonight.

I knew that redneck had game.

Whoa! Audrey! Thank you!

No, that's not meant for you, Tanner!

Fucking unsend! Unsend!

Nope. It's already saved.

Fuuuuck!

Oh yes, you are a bad girl and Daddy likey.

Hey. You, me, Leaky Pipe.

Let's go.

Oh, uh, yeah.

Kind of had other plans but I...

Ooh, damn. Hmmmm...

What? Nothing.

No, that was the breast idea ever!

I mean, it's the best idea, bra.

No, not bra, bro.

Not bra, bro. No, bro. No, no bra.

Okay, first of all,

what the fuck are you talking about?

You got Deet poisoning again?

I might.

And second, I need to get fucked up

to try to forget about this day.

You're driving.

I need to get buzzed again.

Are you coming?

Don't ever ask me that.

Fuck.

Whoa.

Last call, folks.

Pipe's closing in 10.

Time to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can we get three more rounds from me and my buddy?

And no fucking lip, Fernie.

Oh, here we go.

Incoming fucking Daina text.

Oh gosh. What do we got now?

"I got your text.

"I just think we're in different places now.

"I'm looking for a more mature relationship."

Then six fucking random emojis.

What the fuck? Do you believe this shit?

Man, it sucks but obviously she doesn't know what she's missing.

Man, Usually takes three or four fucking dates

before they know I'm immature.

Oh shit, she's way ahead of schedule.

Whatever. It's not like I was all in.

I can be a lone wolf now.

Oh your girl bailed. Shocking.

Maybe it hasn't occurred to you that a woman wants a guy

that can read more than a beer label.

What the fuck, Fernie?

Don't remember asking you to weigh in on my fucking life.

I'm a smart guy.

Oh shit!

Uh, actually, I, I gotta go.

We're just getting started, man. What the fuck's going on?

Nothing, I'm trying to just book my duck blind

for opening day and, like,

this guy's just super enthusiastic.

That's all. He's just a real go-getter.

Did you know what when wolves get caught in a trap

quite often they'll chew their own balls off to escape?

That's fucking weird. No?

Fernie, less talky, more poury.

You tell fucking Mr. Duck Blind it's getting fucked up time,

not phone time

You want me to tell him? - No need. Got it.

I need my wingman.

You in or what?

Yep.

You go get 'em, tiger.

Ladies!

You want to get fucked up?

Whoa! Oh!

Okay then. Great.

Sorry, I just got new boots.

Yeah. Surprised they weren't more receptive to that.

Right?

Shocking, actually.

Maybe it's your fucking ostrich shirt.

What the fuck is wrong with my shirt?!

They're fucking flamingos! And they're talented!

Thanks for picking me up, Dewster.

We're here.

Todd? Careful.

Why do you think your sister doesn't think

I'm mature enough?

Hey, you know what?

Honestly? It's her loss.

You showed her all your beautiful fucking layers, man.

Maybe it was too fast. Who knows?

Oh, what can I say?

She's always been the weird one in our family, you know?

I'm just bummed because...

I want you to be my brother-in-law.

I know, Dean, man.

Thanks for the ride, bud.

Fuck!

There you are.

What the fuck, Homer?

There's queso cheese in the pipes,

the fucking filter.

It's all gummed up.

Taken me all day to figure it out.

This is figured out?

Your levels are way off, man.

How much fucking chlorine you put in this thing?

Might as well be gargling bleach!

We're moving to salt water.

Who the fuck's gonna pay for that?

Nachos? They're cold.

No. I'm worried about you, man.

Yeah, I'm worried about me too.

We're calling your fucking sponsor as soon as I sober up.

Yeah, yeah. Goodnight, Todd.

Goodnight Snax!

Oh fuck you,

you little scavenging bitchy grease goblin.

What? Ow!

Shut up.

♪ Got my head in a haze

♪ Feel like a cat in a cage

♪ I've been crying for days and I'm falling apart

♪ Give me the lies on page

♪ I'm feelin' twice my age ♪

♪ I've been crying for days and I'm falling apart

♪ Digging a hole in my heart

♪ Digging a hole is that the way you treat me

♪ Digging a hole, just tie me up and beat me ♪

Sorry. I've been drinking as well.

♪ Got my head in a haze ♪

♪ Feel like a cat in a cage ♪

♪ I've been cryin' for days ♪

♪ Give me the lies on page

♪ I'm feelin' twice my age ♪