Original subtitles

Die, God.

It's a hell of a place.

I've seen a lot of death.

A lot of suffering.

Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see.

I tried to spit it out as much as I could.

What's the matter, Connor?

Don't like a little blood?

No, I don't like a little blood.

Blood ain't the stuff for 18 -year -old boys from Sheboygan.

Blood ain't the stuff for Mitch Connor.

Incoming!

Connor, Mitchell, you're discharged, son.

And that's that.

Pack your bags, you're headed home.

Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam.

So how do I end up here, with a nine -year -old kid who just wants to know

his father is?

Life is funny like that.

One day you're sifting through the guts of some gook in Vietnam, and the next

you're playing Dr. Phil with some kid and his teacher.

Erica, I'm really sorry that you were put through all this.

Sorry is a four -letter word with a Y on the end. That doesn't mean anything to

this poor kid.

That's right.

Tell me the truth.

Now!

All I can tell you, Eric, is that we were all told to stick to the story.

To protect someone very important.

I can't say more. I won't.

But I'll... I'll tell you who has the answer.

Look, Gingers!

You said you wanted Muhammad. We got him for you.

We have no way of knowing if Muhammad is really in there. It could be a trick.

It's no trick, dude. My friend and I went to the Super Best Friends and

him here.

Then have him step out of the bear costume.

You have until the count of ten.

One. Don't do it, Randy. If Muhammad is seen, we could get bombed. Two. Idiot.

If he isn't seen, we're about to definitely get bombed. Three.

All right, all right, stop.

We'll do what you say.

I'm sorry, Muhammad, but will you please step out of the bear costume?

Okay, so, um, see? Muhammad.

That isn't Muhammad. That's Santa Claus.

Sorry, boys. I tried.

Ah, crap.

Boys, you got Santa to be Muhammad? When?

When you all said you were going to hand Muhammad over to Tom Cruise.

We promised Jesus that Muhammad would stay safely in the U -Haul.

I'm sorry, Kyle. I really thought my idea would work for you.

If we were going to have someone in a bear costume, why would we actually have

it be Muhammad, you fucking idiot?

So where is he?

Meanwhile, at the hall of the Super Best Friends... Buddha, will you lay off

that stuff already?

It's getting to be a problem.

Oh, and you're one to talk with all your internet porn?

Watching porn isn't like doing coke fag. Jesus Christ!

What? We've got a distress signal coming in.

On the Super Best screen.

Super Best Friends, you've got to help us! The Castle Bonita is under attack!

Great God! It's Barbara Streisand!

I thought Barbara Streisand had been destroyed by the Robert Smith.

Yeah. Who would have activated her again?

I don't know, Seaman.

It's Seaman.

The Casa Bonita is gone!

Jesus, help us!

Jesus, that's where those boys took Mohammed.

We have to stop her!

On the Super Best Friends power cycle!

There, there, my little mouse friend.

Soon you will have more asses than you ever dreamed of.

Ah, Kevin, you brought me my Fonseca.

That's a good boy.

What's this?

Someone is at the door, Kevin.

We tried to be left alone, Kevin.

Who would disturb us at this hour?

We must be careful.

Why, it's an African -American man, Kevin.

Yes? What do you want?

Yo, man, sorry to bother you, but there's been an accident down the

Can I use your telephone?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but I don't let strangers in.

Yo, I understand, man, but this accident is real bad, dog.

My lady's legs is all busted up and shit. She don't crawl around on the road

looking like a crippled crab, man. I just need an ambulance, dog.

There's a gas station about half a mile down the road. They have a phone there.

Okay, I see.

I guess I understand.

You just don't want to let a black man in your house. No, please, it isn't that

at all.

No, I get it, man.

Some things have changed, though.

So when we got a black president, things will be different.

We got the black president, but why'd he still don't trust me to use his

motherfucking phone?

No, wait, I'm sorry. You're right, you're right. We do have a black

Please, come in.

Nice work, Connor.

Yeah, the old hasn't -anything -changed speech.

Works on white people all the time.

Eric Cartman?

Surprised to see me, asshole?

Close the door.

Holy crap!

I would like to see if you wouldn't mind not smashing our little town to bits.

Meanwhile,

at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house... How do you like that?

Celebrities can get violent, too.

Mr. Cruise, please call Barbara Streisand off.

She's destroying everything.

We will call her off when you give us Muhammad.

We don't have Muhammad. We aren't sure where he is. That's your problem.

Get him back or Babs will kill you all.

Oh, boy.

Kenny. Kenny, dude, what the hell? You're supposed to be watching Muhammad.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, Muhammad.

Really sorry about all this, dude.

So what the heck are we going to do now? Muhammad isn't safe here. The gingers

and celebrities all want a piece of him. I don't know where we can go.

Wait. No, wait a minute.

I've got it. I totally got it. Whoa.

Remember the time we got an elephant to make love to a pig?

Yeah. I totally know how we can give the gingers and the celebrities what they

want, but keep Mohammed safe.

Come on.

She's going to get our coffee store next.

Ooh, Jesus Christ.

That's enough, Barbra Streisand. Kill her!

Harrison's using her toxic stink ray.

Eric, your father never wanted this to happen. He was protecting you as well as

them. Them who?

Eric, you have to understand. It's all very complicated.

Then start explaining it to me.

Very well.

Come on, Muhammad. The door's open.

Dr. Mephesto, we need your help.

Oh, for crying out loud. Now everybody's letting themselves in.

Doctor, this is Muhammad.

We want you to clone him so we can give his copies to Gingers and Barbara

Streisand.

Oh, all right.

No, no, no, no, no. He's not doing anything except explaining who my father

Dude, that doesn't matter to people right now. It's all that matters.

Dude, nobody gives a crap about who your stupid father is. Muhammad is an

important issue with actual ethical ramifications.

I guarantee you people care way more about who my father is.

In the small mountain town of South Park, the holy prophet of the Mormon

religion is trying to fly up the nose of a deadly female singer.

Our powers aren't working, Swallow.

We can't attack Streisand's nose. It's just too big. We have to find another

weak spot.

Moses!

What? We need to know any weakness Barbra Streisand might have.

Um, let me think.

Um, oh, I know.

Barbra Streisand can't resist singing duets with Neil Diamond.

All right, I'll build a stage. Lao Tzu, use mind control to get a huge audience.

Buddha and Smith, use powers to find a band.

Seaman, you and Swallow go get a sushi for dinner.

It's see, man, and swallow.

Okay, Seaman, you guys head off.

Fine. Swallow, come.

No way he just said that.

All right, all right, look. Just tell Cartman who his dad is real quick so we

can clone Muhammad.

It's a complicated story. I just can't tell him quickly.

Then we'll wait because we have to clone Muhammad now.

Is Muhammad more important than a little boy's broken heart?

Oh, you are not doing that again.

Look, Mephisto, you tell this kid who his father is and you do it now.

Stop talking with your stupid hand.

Who you calling stupid, Jew?

Come on, you guys, we're running out of time.

Yes? Hey, I'm sorry to bother you. There's been an accident. I need a

Yeah, right. Let me guess. You're an African American.

Well, yes, I am, but I don't know what that has to do with anything.

Beat it. I'm not helping you.

Dude, that's not cool.

No, no, you don't understand.

We understand you just sounded like a freaking racist.

We don't live in the 60s anymore, you know. We have a black president.

All right, all right. Jeez.

Ha -ha!

Oh, crap, the gingers.

Gingers, no!

Later, at the Legion of Doom.

Tob, Tob, the gingers are claiming they have Muhammad.

What? Impossible.

They are sending a message now.

On screen.

We got Muhammad.

We got Muhammad.

He's useless to you. You can't get Muhammad's power to not be made fun of

without the Rob Reiner goo transfer machine.

Why do you think we're calling? Our boss is willing to share Muhammad with you

if you're willing to share the goo machine with us.

Your boss?

What's going on?

You got what you wanted, Ginger, so let us go.

Oh, no, no.

The head ginger has planned for you.

What head ginger? And where's Cartman?

The head ginger has something really special planned for him.

Hello?

What the hell is this? Where am I? You really got yourself in a mess this time,

kid. Shut up, Connor. How about I shove this flashlight in your mouth?

You remember to... Hello?

I'm here, whoever you are.

Eric Cartman.

I've waited a long time for this.

Daddy?

Guess again.

Welcome to my Chili Con Carnival.

Chili Con Carnival?

Wait a minute.

No, it can't be. Oh, but it can.

Revenge of the dish better served chili.

Scott Tenorman?

Meanwhile,

at the concert stage Jesus built with his power of super carpentry... That's

Jesus. The band has been paid and the PA system is working.

All right, Krishna, the rest is up to you.

Form of Neil Diamond.

If you wouldn't mind.

I'd like to invite a special friend to join me on stage.

Miss Barbara Streisand!

Let's hope to Christ this works.

Hello, goges.

What do you say? Should we sing together again like the old times?

Well, that's because I loved you, girl, and I still love you now. What have you

got to say?

That might be true, but I still miss you, Nate.

When you roll over by my side and you kiss me

goodnight.

It worked, Jesus.

Yeah. And now to find Mohammed and take down Tom Cruise.

Do you remember when you had my parents killed and fed them to me as chili?

I spent quite a while in a mental institution, Eric.

A lot of time for me to learn everything about you.

So that one day I could take you down.

I even learned the name of your father.

Oh, I know you're confused. Who wouldn't be?

You've been lied to by everyone.

Even by your own mother.

What do you know?

I wanted to torment you with your father's identity.

But what I found was more shocking than I could have possibly guessed.

Meanwhile, at the ginger's lair... All right, Muhammad is secure.

Let's do this.

Throw the switch, Rob.

I can feel it.

I can feel the power to not be ridiculed flowing through my veins.

OMG, it worked.

I've done it. I've done it.

Look at me.

I'm not okay to make fun of anymore.

Oh, you lucky fucker.

everyone to the final act of my fabulous chili carnival.

Please, leave my boy alone.

Man, I got them all here for you, Eric. To listen while you got told the truth.

Please don't. We have to protect him. Protect who?

Yes, protect who?

Tell him.

Mr.

Jimbo.

Protect the Denver Broncos.

Meanwhile...

This is incredible.

Who wants to go next? I want to be next.

No, gingers go next.

Gingers can suck it. I'm next.

It's my goo machine. I'm next.

Nobody is going next.

Muhammad is our super best friend.

Let him go.

They can't stop all of us. Get him.

The Denver Broncos.

There was a right faculty who had an illegitimate child with your slut of a

And everyone here covered it up to protect the Bronco name.

They were having a really good year. There couldn't be any distractions.

My dad was at Denver Bronco? Would you like to meet him?

Well, you can't. Ever.

Because you see, Eric, we have something in common.

Did I ever tell you that my father played for the Denver Broncos?

No.

The only Bronco who lived in South Park. He got a little bored one week and had

an affair with a slut named Leanne Cartman.

No, please! Tell him!

You almost did before, but you got shot by your brother who was a Bronco fan.

Tell him!

It's true.

Jack Tenorman was your father.

You killed your own father, and then you fed him to your half -brother!

No!

Now eat your chili!

Chee -haw!

That's two for best friends.

Oh, no!

Don't get you, Tom Cruise!

Hey, look, Tom Cruise has semen on his back.

What did you say?

Oh, yeah, Tom Cruise does have semen on his back.

I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes semen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me

anymore! What the hell's going on? I'll be back, super best friend!

Who's the creepy ginger kid?

Reiner, you said the goo machine would work, but I got made fun of!

That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise!

You see, I learned something today.

Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't

allowed to show.

But it wasn't because of some magic goo.

It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence.

That's obviously the only true power.

If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

That's right.

Don't you see, Gingers?

If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs

get people to stop.

That's right, friend.

All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people, and you can

get whatever you want.

The only true power is violence.

Yeah.

All right, people, let's start rebuilding our town for the 39th time.

Oh, dude, look.

Kate, Carmen.

Look, man, we know what you learned was pretty tough to hear.

Tough to hear?

My dad was Scott Tenerman's dad.

Don't you guys realize what that means?

Yeah, dude, we know what it means.

My dad was a ginger!

Wait, what?

I mean, obviously I take after my mom, but I have the ginger gene inside of me!

Dude, you killed your own dad, and you're worried about that?

Hey, Eric! Eric!

What? Come on, cheer up! Cheer up! I'm half ginger!

Yeah, but you're forgetting.

You're also half Denver Bronco.

That makes you pretty cute.

Hey, you're right.

That does make me pretty cute.

You gotta be kidding me!

Shut up, Kyle, you dumb Jew.

You've got Bronco blood in you, kid.

That makes you awesome.

Me? I should be moving on.

Really, Mitch? You gotta go?

There's a bounty on my head and I can't afford to stay in one place for too

long. So long, Denver Bronco.

Take it easy, Connor.

Look, Mr. Cruz, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that you had

on your back.

I just can't do it anymore.

I want to go away.

But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me.

Hey. Hey, we know a place.

We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are

there to mess it up.

We do?

Oh, yeah, we do.

Really?

Somewhere where I can just live out my days in peace and quiet?

Oh, please, can you show me where?

We'll do better than that.

We'll help you get there.

I'll get you, Tom Cruise.

Hey, look. Tom Cruise has semen on his back.

What did you say?

Oh, yeah. Tom Cruise does have semen on his back.