All language subtitles for Something About Sex • Denial [1998]_EN

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian Download
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,566 Joel: Say, another tidbit of trivia. 2 00:02:03,568 --> 00:02:05,135 Hitler, had only one ball. 3 00:02:05,137 --> 00:02:07,605 -(laughing) -Oh it's absolutely true. 4 00:02:07,607 --> 00:02:08,974 -Adolf Hitler... -You're possessed. 5 00:02:08,976 --> 00:02:10,474 -one testicle. -Hitler's balls. 6 00:02:10,476 --> 00:02:12,344 That's probably why he was in such a bad mood all the time. 7 00:02:12,346 --> 00:02:13,478 -(laughing) -Yeah, I guess 8 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:14,713 the other one got ate-off. 9 00:02:14,715 --> 00:02:16,014 (all talking) 10 00:02:16,250 --> 00:02:19,018 -That's a funny Nazi joke. -Pay attention, you'll laugh. 11 00:02:19,020 --> 00:02:22,188 Hey, you know what? Isaac here has seven testicles. 12 00:02:22,190 --> 00:02:24,224 -No kidding! -Thank you very much. 13 00:02:24,226 --> 00:02:26,261 -Wow. That's great! -One for each day of the week? 14 00:02:26,263 --> 00:02:28,563 Isaac: My underpants are like a sack of red russet potatoes. 15 00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:31,167 -My brother has four nipples. -That's so cute. 16 00:02:31,169 --> 00:02:33,069 Two are sensitive and the others ones 17 00:02:33,071 --> 00:02:35,538 -are just kind of... extra. -You have your genitals, right, 18 00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:37,641 or did you lose them in some horrible dradel accident? 19 00:02:37,643 --> 00:02:39,076 Maybe that's him and his nipples. 20 00:02:39,078 --> 00:02:40,610 How do you lose your nipples in a dradel accident? 21 00:02:40,612 --> 00:02:42,280 -Need help? -I'm fine, thanks. 22 00:02:43,650 --> 00:02:45,950 -Art! You made it. -Oh, I'm late? 23 00:02:45,952 --> 00:02:47,785 No, no, no, no... that's all right. 24 00:02:47,787 --> 00:02:49,587 The copyright thing, it's done. 25 00:02:49,589 --> 00:02:51,290 You want that title? -It's yours. 26 00:02:51,292 --> 00:02:53,625 Sophie: Art. So glad you could make it. 27 00:02:53,627 --> 00:02:56,196 -You look great. -Thank you. 28 00:02:56,198 --> 00:02:57,797 Oh, just a little token of gratitude. 29 00:02:57,799 --> 00:02:59,900 -Oh! Wow! -Oh. My Lord. 30 00:02:59,902 --> 00:03:01,301 Cocktail onions. Honey look. 31 00:03:01,303 --> 00:03:02,770 -Cocktail onions. -Cocktail onions. 32 00:03:02,772 --> 00:03:05,272 -That's so thoughtful of you. -They're great with peas. 33 00:03:05,274 --> 00:03:07,109 I'm going to put this in the kitchen. 34 00:03:07,111 --> 00:03:08,710 Make sure he meets everybody. 35 00:03:08,712 --> 00:03:10,346 What can I get you to drink? 36 00:03:10,348 --> 00:03:12,315 -Uh... wine? -Art: Yeah, sure. 37 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,384 Gang! I'd like you to meet my friend Art. 38 00:03:14,386 --> 00:03:16,753 He's a client of mine. He's a fabulous writer. 39 00:03:16,755 --> 00:03:18,155 He's a good guy. 40 00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:19,556 This is Sam, this is Sam. 41 00:03:19,558 --> 00:03:20,624 -Hi. -Sam. 42 00:03:20,626 --> 00:03:21,793 -Sam and Sam. -Yes. 43 00:03:21,795 --> 00:03:23,661 Which one is Sam and which one is Sam... 44 00:03:23,663 --> 00:03:25,930 Uh... never heard that one. 45 00:03:25,932 --> 00:03:27,033 I'm sure, yes. 46 00:03:27,035 --> 00:03:29,135 I know, it's a little bit too cute, 47 00:03:29,137 --> 00:03:30,736 but what can you do, it happens. 48 00:03:30,738 --> 00:03:32,104 You can call me Sammie. 49 00:03:32,106 --> 00:03:33,706 -Sammie. -Yes. 50 00:03:33,708 --> 00:03:35,274 -Cute. -Hey Art... Isaac. 51 00:03:35,276 --> 00:03:36,510 Isaac! How are you? 52 00:03:36,512 --> 00:03:38,146 -My wife Claudia. -Hi, nice to meet you. 53 00:03:38,148 --> 00:03:39,212 Nice to meet you. 54 00:03:39,214 --> 00:03:40,915 I'm the only one who's not married. 55 00:03:40,917 --> 00:03:43,652 Oh... no, no, no, no, we're not married. 56 00:03:43,654 --> 00:03:45,554 -Yet! We're... doing it. -Yet. 57 00:03:45,556 --> 00:03:47,222 Oh, oh, oh, I see... 58 00:03:47,224 --> 00:03:48,791 -Really? -Yeah, we're doing IT. 59 00:03:48,793 --> 00:03:51,594 (everybody laughing) 60 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,766 Well... you are pregnant, aren't you? 61 00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:57,568 Did ah, did I just make ah... 62 00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:58,770 (laughing) 63 00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:00,871 Is this a tumor or goiter or something? 64 00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:02,073 Jeez! 65 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,241 Isaac: There will be no goitering there! 66 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,343 Art: The fact of the matter is that 67 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:08,581 we all live in a constant state of collective denial. 68 00:04:09,451 --> 00:04:10,883 Sammie: (laughing) Denial of what? 69 00:04:11,553 --> 00:04:13,186 Everything. 70 00:04:13,188 --> 00:04:15,923 I mean, do you really believe when you walk into a restaurant, 71 00:04:15,925 --> 00:04:18,725 that everyone in the kitchen has clean hands? 72 00:04:19,763 --> 00:04:20,963 You have to know that the waiter 73 00:04:21,131 --> 00:04:23,199 just plucked his shorts out of the crack of his ass-- 74 00:04:23,201 --> 00:04:26,203 Stop it! Art. That is so gross. 75 00:04:26,205 --> 00:04:29,039 Or the cook is diggin' right in his ear before he-- 76 00:04:29,041 --> 00:04:30,907 Sam: It would never happen in our restaurant. 77 00:04:30,909 --> 00:04:32,809 That's it. Now stop! 78 00:04:32,811 --> 00:04:34,812 Thank God for denial, 79 00:04:34,814 --> 00:04:37,448 because then we don't have to think about things like that. 80 00:04:37,450 --> 00:04:40,284 Claudia: You know, I was doing this photoshoot the other day. 81 00:04:40,286 --> 00:04:43,422 And it was two basset hounds getting married. 82 00:04:43,424 --> 00:04:46,626 And everything was so adorable, until the groom tried to 83 00:04:46,628 --> 00:04:48,661 hump this poodle that was the maid of honor. 84 00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,898 Sammie: Oh. Uh-oh, did the bride get jealous? 85 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:52,800 No, actually, I think she was too busy 86 00:04:52,802 --> 00:04:54,368 sniffing the best man's ass to notice. 87 00:04:54,370 --> 00:04:55,504 (laughing) 88 00:04:55,506 --> 00:04:57,672 Joel: All right! That was just lovely! 89 00:04:57,674 --> 00:04:59,608 That is because dogs 90 00:04:59,610 --> 00:05:02,278 do not have the artificial restraints 91 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,314 put on their biological needs that we people do. 92 00:05:05,316 --> 00:05:08,051 What do you mean "artificial restraints"? 93 00:05:08,052 --> 00:05:09,620 Art: It's another one of the denials. 94 00:05:09,622 --> 00:05:11,655 Probably the most rampant one. 95 00:05:11,657 --> 00:05:14,859 The monogamy denial. 96 00:05:14,861 --> 00:05:16,895 The monogamy denial. 97 00:05:16,897 --> 00:05:19,732 That sounds like a great title for your next book. 98 00:05:19,734 --> 00:05:22,234 What! You don't believe in monogamy? 99 00:05:22,236 --> 00:05:25,705 I think that monogamy is not natural. 100 00:05:25,707 --> 00:05:29,710 It's not necessary and I really don't even think it exists. 101 00:05:29,712 --> 00:05:31,246 At least not in practice. 102 00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:35,250 It turns otherwise honorable people into liars. 103 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,085 With the exception of this group of course. 104 00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,453 Claudia: Wait a minute. Are you... 105 00:05:38,455 --> 00:05:40,957 are you insinuating that we not monogamous? 106 00:05:40,959 --> 00:05:42,892 I mean, what the hell do you know? 107 00:05:44,297 --> 00:05:47,298 All right, fine you're right. 108 00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,633 No one ever cheats. 109 00:05:49,635 --> 00:05:53,104 Sex with your spouse gets better and better and better 110 00:05:53,106 --> 00:05:55,507 with every year of marriage. 111 00:05:55,509 --> 00:05:58,644 And men really are just working late at the office. 112 00:05:58,646 --> 00:06:01,815 -Everyone feel better? -You are a complete simpleton. 113 00:06:01,817 --> 00:06:04,451 Art: My... Defensive. Do I smell hypocrisy? 114 00:06:04,453 --> 00:06:05,586 Oh! Fuck you! 115 00:06:05,789 --> 00:06:07,621 Joel: Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, this is a dinner party, 116 00:06:07,623 --> 00:06:09,290 we're supposed to be having fun. 117 00:06:09,292 --> 00:06:10,625 Let's have some fun, it's a beautiful night. 118 00:06:10,627 --> 00:06:11,826 Sorry. 119 00:06:11,828 --> 00:06:13,329 Joel: Can we just talk about, you know... 120 00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,364 -something more light hearted? -Art: Yes, that's a great idea. 121 00:06:15,366 --> 00:06:16,933 Let's skirt all real issues. 122 00:06:16,935 --> 00:06:18,902 -Let's talk about fishing. -Joel: No, I... come on... 123 00:06:18,904 --> 00:06:20,737 ...no one skirts any issues. 124 00:06:20,739 --> 00:06:22,807 There's certain things people don't like to talk about. 125 00:06:22,809 --> 00:06:28,347 People cheat. Like it or not, it happens all the time. 126 00:06:29,182 --> 00:06:32,986 Perhaps that's why they don't like to talk about it. 127 00:06:32,988 --> 00:06:35,020 All I know is when you find the woman 128 00:06:35,022 --> 00:06:37,558 that you wanna spend the rest of your life with, 129 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,661 you don't want to cheat. Trust me on that. 130 00:06:40,663 --> 00:06:43,364 Ah, you are so sweet. 131 00:06:45,335 --> 00:06:46,901 I don't know. 132 00:06:46,903 --> 00:06:48,570 Maybe some men do cheat, 133 00:06:48,572 --> 00:06:50,573 but I don't think most men do, 134 00:06:50,575 --> 00:06:52,108 and women certainly don't. 135 00:06:52,110 --> 00:06:55,211 Well, I agree there, women certainly cheat less, 136 00:06:55,213 --> 00:06:59,316 but the male animal is like a sex crazed dog. 137 00:06:59,318 --> 00:07:02,654 When they're not having sex, they want sex, 138 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,656 they think about sex. 139 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,959 They dream about sex. 140 00:07:06,961 --> 00:07:09,328 Sex with lots of women. 141 00:07:09,330 --> 00:07:12,531 It's programmed into them. It's biological. 142 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,068 Blame it on biology. That's perfect excuse. 143 00:07:15,070 --> 00:07:16,970 Men are not different than that Basset Hound 144 00:07:16,972 --> 00:07:19,072 who was screwing the bridesmaid at his own wedding. 145 00:07:19,074 --> 00:07:20,508 -Ugh! That's disgusting. -Claudia: Art, 146 00:07:20,510 --> 00:07:23,377 just because you are obviously a sex crazed 147 00:07:23,379 --> 00:07:27,649 degenerate pig, doesn't mean that all men are the same. 148 00:07:27,651 --> 00:07:29,385 Who is this guy anyway? 149 00:07:29,387 --> 00:07:31,354 Art: Men are men. 150 00:07:31,356 --> 00:07:33,724 You know, this is like the stupidest conversation 151 00:07:33,726 --> 00:07:35,792 I've never been forced to listen to. 152 00:07:35,794 --> 00:07:38,062 I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest. 153 00:07:38,064 --> 00:07:40,397 Joel: Cigars! Who... who wants a cigar? 154 00:07:40,399 --> 00:07:42,299 Thank you, but we really have to go. 155 00:07:42,301 --> 00:07:43,902 -No, no. -We're gonna call a cab. 156 00:07:43,904 --> 00:07:45,203 Sophie: Sweetie, don't go. 157 00:07:45,205 --> 00:07:46,772 Sammie: Guys, this has been so nice. 158 00:07:46,774 --> 00:07:49,008 Sam: She needs to get some sleep, she's really tired. 159 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,644 Sophie: You guys, it's so early. 160 00:07:50,646 --> 00:07:53,413 Claudia: Oh, it was great, thanks, so much. 161 00:07:53,415 --> 00:07:54,982 Sophie: Well, I'm gonna walk you out. 162 00:07:54,984 --> 00:07:56,416 Sammie: This is delicious. 163 00:07:57,353 --> 00:07:58,952 Joel: Drive safe. 164 00:07:58,954 --> 00:08:00,288 Great dinner, Soph. 165 00:08:03,327 --> 00:08:04,693 (sighs) 166 00:08:10,168 --> 00:08:11,602 Isaac: He's a jerk. 167 00:08:11,604 --> 00:08:14,270 You being upset right now is exactly what he wants. 168 00:08:14,272 --> 00:08:15,706 Sweetie, the longer you stay angry, 169 00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:17,241 the longer he wins. 170 00:08:17,243 --> 00:08:19,077 Yeah, but he just rattles off 171 00:08:19,079 --> 00:08:21,580 these ridiculous platitudes like they were facts. 172 00:08:21,582 --> 00:08:23,181 He has a Napoleon complex. 173 00:08:23,183 --> 00:08:26,219 "All couples cheat". "All men are dogs". 174 00:08:26,221 --> 00:08:28,622 All this. All that. And did you... 175 00:08:28,624 --> 00:08:29,890 did you see that jacket? 176 00:08:29,892 --> 00:08:32,426 Sweetie, the guy's stuck in the 70's. 177 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:37,665 Um, excuse me... Azar. 178 00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:38,800 Yes, missus. 179 00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:40,435 Can I ask you a personal question? 180 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,604 Okay. 181 00:08:41,606 --> 00:08:43,305 -Are you married? -Oh, yes. 182 00:08:43,307 --> 00:08:44,707 Now be honest. 183 00:08:44,709 --> 00:08:46,476 And you can be perfectly straightforward with me, 184 00:08:46,478 --> 00:08:49,146 because we'll never see each other again. 185 00:08:49,148 --> 00:08:51,115 Have you ever cheated on your wife? 186 00:08:51,117 --> 00:08:52,316 All the time. 187 00:08:54,220 --> 00:08:56,722 -Really? -I can't get enough. 188 00:09:06,668 --> 00:09:08,535 Sam: I personally find it very offensive 189 00:09:08,537 --> 00:09:11,505 that he would lump me into the cesspool of male cynicism. 190 00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:15,277 Sammie: Ugh! Please! The cynicism was all a cover-up. 191 00:09:15,279 --> 00:09:17,012 You know, I bet that he had some kind of 192 00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:18,647 really bad love experience. 193 00:09:18,649 --> 00:09:20,783 -Probably. -No, seriously. 194 00:09:20,785 --> 00:09:22,919 I mean, it just felt like everything he said 195 00:09:22,921 --> 00:09:24,654 stemmed from some kind of... 196 00:09:24,656 --> 00:09:26,857 I don't know, some kind of deep pain. 197 00:09:26,859 --> 00:09:29,060 Sammie: Couldn't you feel that? 198 00:09:29,062 --> 00:09:31,496 I think he was just crying out for help. 199 00:09:31,498 --> 00:09:33,031 I think he's full of shit. 200 00:09:35,135 --> 00:09:36,401 Sam: Deep pain. 201 00:09:37,371 --> 00:09:40,039 I don't know, maybe I am in complete denial 202 00:09:40,041 --> 00:09:41,907 like Art says. 203 00:09:41,909 --> 00:09:44,544 Are all men just slaves to their biology? 204 00:09:44,546 --> 00:09:46,047 Uh come on, don't be ridiculous. 205 00:09:46,049 --> 00:09:48,216 You really don't know the answer to that question? 206 00:09:48,218 --> 00:09:51,452 No. You cheated on your first wife. 207 00:09:51,454 --> 00:09:54,056 (laughing) That, ah... That's completely different. 208 00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:57,727 -How? -I was cheating with you. 209 00:09:57,729 --> 00:10:00,530 -The love of my life. -(giggles) 210 00:10:01,066 --> 00:10:02,131 (moans) 211 00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:05,603 (heavy moan of pleasure) 212 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:10,709 (moans and laughing) 213 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,912 -Good morning. -Good morning. 214 00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:16,382 Oh God! Can't believe the time. 215 00:10:16,384 --> 00:10:18,986 I've got a photoshoot in less than half an hour. 216 00:10:18,988 --> 00:10:20,821 Uh, uh. 217 00:10:20,823 --> 00:10:22,623 Just blow in off and fuck all day. 218 00:10:22,625 --> 00:10:25,260 -Yeah right. You wish! -Stop! I'm gonna pee. 219 00:10:26,396 --> 00:10:28,329 Claudia: You think I look old, don't you? 220 00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:31,033 Isaac: What are you talking about? 221 00:10:31,035 --> 00:10:33,969 Well, I mean... look at me, I look ninety. 222 00:10:35,873 --> 00:10:37,773 I think you look nineteen. 223 00:10:37,776 --> 00:10:41,611 Oh... You think I should get these lines filled in? 224 00:10:41,613 --> 00:10:43,147 Right here. 225 00:10:43,149 --> 00:10:44,315 You kidding? 226 00:10:45,118 --> 00:10:46,984 Well no, I mean it's very safe now. 227 00:10:46,986 --> 00:10:49,655 They use the fat from your ass. 228 00:10:49,657 --> 00:10:52,325 God knows I've got enough of that build me whole new head. 229 00:10:52,327 --> 00:10:53,826 Fishing for compliments today? 230 00:10:53,828 --> 00:10:54,894 -Huh? Huh? -What? 231 00:10:54,896 --> 00:10:56,229 (makes fishing noise) 232 00:10:56,231 --> 00:10:59,233 -Okay, yeah, maybe, maybe. -Want to go fishing? 233 00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:01,869 (breathing heavily) 234 00:11:05,342 --> 00:11:07,642 I think you look more beautiful now than ever. 235 00:11:08,612 --> 00:11:09,811 Oh. 236 00:11:14,553 --> 00:11:16,753 Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm late. 237 00:11:16,755 --> 00:11:18,555 The judge had a panic attack and we had to wait 238 00:11:18,557 --> 00:11:20,658 for his girlfriend to bring his medication. 239 00:11:20,660 --> 00:11:22,026 Mr. Richmond called. 240 00:11:22,028 --> 00:11:23,861 He's hoping you can get another postponement. 241 00:11:23,863 --> 00:11:25,698 -Ha! Ha! -Mrs. Yettie called. 242 00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:27,299 -She wants to drop the suit. -No. 243 00:11:27,301 --> 00:11:28,634 You should call her right away. 244 00:11:28,636 --> 00:11:30,402 She wants to drop the suit. Why? 245 00:11:30,404 --> 00:11:31,805 Because she's feeling guilty. 246 00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:34,908 Guilty? A bus runs over her feet and she feels guilty? 247 00:11:34,910 --> 00:11:37,011 And your brother's waiting for you in the office. 248 00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:40,082 Oh... 249 00:11:40,084 --> 00:11:41,282 Joel: Great. 250 00:11:45,723 --> 00:11:48,590 -Uh... you're late? -Do you mind? 251 00:11:49,661 --> 00:11:51,227 Come on! We gotta make this quick 252 00:11:51,229 --> 00:11:53,464 -I'm backed up today. -Try bran. 253 00:11:53,466 --> 00:11:56,166 That's funny. That's really funny, Reuben. What? 254 00:11:56,168 --> 00:11:57,434 Hurry up. What is it? 255 00:11:57,436 --> 00:11:59,237 You know, Joel, just because I'm your brother, 256 00:11:59,239 --> 00:12:00,972 doesn't mean I'm not a client. 257 00:12:00,974 --> 00:12:02,240 Reuben: Just like everybody else. 258 00:12:02,242 --> 00:12:04,744 No you're not. You're not like everybody else. 259 00:12:04,746 --> 00:12:06,712 Everybody else pays me money. 260 00:12:06,714 --> 00:12:08,080 Joel: What the hell happened this time? 261 00:12:08,082 --> 00:12:10,384 All right. Well, there might be 262 00:12:10,386 --> 00:12:13,086 a tiny assault and battery case that 263 00:12:13,088 --> 00:12:15,623 -may be waged against me. -Again? 264 00:12:15,625 --> 00:12:17,291 This time was different, Joel. 265 00:12:17,293 --> 00:12:18,893 This time it was self defense, I swear to God! 266 00:12:18,895 --> 00:12:21,696 -It was self defense! -Jesus, let's hear it. 267 00:12:21,698 --> 00:12:27,637 Well... I'm on this date, with this really hot chick. 268 00:12:28,439 --> 00:12:30,675 Right. What's her name? 269 00:12:31,577 --> 00:12:32,742 Puddles. 270 00:12:34,947 --> 00:12:37,715 -That's her name, Puddles? -It's cute, isn't it? 271 00:12:37,717 --> 00:12:40,218 She another one of your, uh... your fat girls? 272 00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:42,722 Watch it! 273 00:12:42,724 --> 00:12:44,757 I'm sorry, that was rude. Go on. 274 00:12:44,759 --> 00:12:46,759 So... we're in this ice cream parlor-- 275 00:12:46,761 --> 00:12:48,728 Do you actually have sex with these women? 276 00:12:49,265 --> 00:12:51,432 Yes. I do. 277 00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:54,368 Uh, Joel, let me tell you something, okay? 278 00:12:54,370 --> 00:12:56,971 Reuben: Sex with fat women 279 00:12:56,973 --> 00:12:59,174 is one of the great secret treasures 280 00:12:59,176 --> 00:13:01,944 of our sexually repressed society. 281 00:13:01,946 --> 00:13:06,616 To be entirely engulfed, smothered in female flesh, 282 00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:09,619 like a water bed of tissue and love... 283 00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:12,889 Ah! Ugh! Enough. Enough. 284 00:13:12,891 --> 00:13:16,061 Thanks. Just... tell me your little story. 285 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:19,865 Right, anyhow, this guy is just staring at us with this look. 286 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,166 And I know what he's thinking. 287 00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,001 He's thinking we're a couple of freaks 288 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:26,139 because my date happens to be a tad overweight. 289 00:13:26,141 --> 00:13:28,075 Right. So I say "Hey! 290 00:13:28,077 --> 00:13:30,878 What the fuck are you looking at? Huh? 291 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:35,550 I suppose you think my date is too fat for you!" 292 00:13:35,552 --> 00:13:36,918 Reuben: Anyway, he stands up. 293 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,387 I punch him as hard as I can. Right in the face. 294 00:13:39,389 --> 00:13:41,892 And that's when the cops come. It's a big mess. 295 00:13:41,894 --> 00:13:43,359 Whatever. 296 00:13:44,262 --> 00:13:47,831 You see... that's not self defense, Reuben. 297 00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:50,835 -That's you being an asshole. -No. That is self defense. 298 00:13:50,837 --> 00:13:53,705 He stood up, I took that as a direct threat. 299 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:57,209 Alright. I'll uh... 300 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,611 I'll look over the police report. 301 00:13:58,613 --> 00:14:01,214 I'll see what I can do. But in the mean time, 302 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,518 please, keep your hands in your pockets! 303 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,621 -My brother. You are a prince. -Don't. 304 00:14:06,623 --> 00:14:08,856 You are a king among men. 305 00:14:08,858 --> 00:14:10,792 -Joel, I love you, my brother. -Don't! Stop! 306 00:14:10,794 --> 00:14:12,728 Stop! Stop! Stop, with the kissing. 307 00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:14,530 -Jeez! -Joel, I don't want you to think 308 00:14:14,532 --> 00:14:16,499 that I don't appreciate all the work you do for me. 309 00:14:16,501 --> 00:14:19,669 -I'm sure you do. -And um, I can't really afford 310 00:14:19,671 --> 00:14:21,672 -to pay you anything right now. -Oh. 311 00:14:21,674 --> 00:14:23,773 Uh, but I have something else for you. 312 00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:26,410 I got two tickets to the hockey game. 313 00:14:27,180 --> 00:14:32,017 Thursday night, great seats, easily worth fifty bucks. 314 00:14:32,019 --> 00:14:35,321 Ah, that's uh, that's very nice of you. 315 00:14:35,323 --> 00:14:36,923 Thank you very much, Reuben. 316 00:14:36,925 --> 00:14:38,358 I'll give them to you for twenty. 317 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,994 -No, give them to me for free. -Hey! 318 00:14:40,996 --> 00:14:43,096 Yeah Dawn, has Sophie called? 319 00:14:43,098 --> 00:14:44,632 Dawn: No, Mr Gold. 320 00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,100 Oh... thanks. 321 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:50,338 We were, uh, maybe gonna have lunch today. 322 00:14:51,342 --> 00:14:52,508 Guess she forgot. 323 00:14:53,077 --> 00:14:55,011 Oh, my God. 324 00:14:55,681 --> 00:14:58,315 That is the biggest penis 325 00:14:58,317 --> 00:15:01,319 I have ever seen in my entire life. 326 00:15:02,822 --> 00:15:05,791 And just think... that's limp. 327 00:15:07,795 --> 00:15:09,228 Unreal. 328 00:15:09,230 --> 00:15:14,200 Dr. Taft: Take a good long look. The human body. 329 00:15:14,469 --> 00:15:15,835 We've been talking about it now 330 00:15:15,837 --> 00:15:18,071 for the last couple of semesters. 331 00:15:18,073 --> 00:15:19,373 Reading about it. 332 00:15:20,577 --> 00:15:22,643 Lots of pictures. 333 00:15:22,645 --> 00:15:24,846 But today, ladies and gentlemen, 334 00:15:24,848 --> 00:15:27,482 today, we have the real thing. 335 00:15:28,419 --> 00:15:31,754 Congratulations on your first cadavers. 336 00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:33,924 Ugh! They stink! 337 00:15:33,926 --> 00:15:36,426 Ah yes. Well, that will be the formaldehyde. 338 00:15:36,428 --> 00:15:39,163 But don't you worry, it gets a lot worse with time. 339 00:15:39,165 --> 00:15:40,698 (chuckles) 340 00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:43,601 Now look, I know this is a new experience for all of you. 341 00:15:43,603 --> 00:15:45,371 But if you're going to be doctors, 342 00:15:45,373 --> 00:15:47,973 you're going to have to dive in head first. 343 00:15:47,975 --> 00:15:51,677 And get past this rather unpleasant first part. 344 00:15:51,679 --> 00:15:54,314 As I have every confidence you will. 345 00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,587 Great scott! 346 00:15:59,589 --> 00:16:02,123 Would you look at the size of that thing! 347 00:16:02,125 --> 00:16:04,159 I know, it's huge. 348 00:16:04,161 --> 00:16:05,360 Uh, um, a ruler. 349 00:16:05,362 --> 00:16:07,129 Some-- somebody get me a ruler. Quickly. 350 00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:11,701 (applause) 351 00:16:11,703 --> 00:16:12,969 Ernie. 352 00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:15,172 In the twenty three years of our marriage, 353 00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:20,111 I have never, never, 354 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:22,447 (crying) had an orgasm with you. 355 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:24,617 Wha-- wha-- wha-- 356 00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:27,420 Haven't you ever heard... 357 00:16:27,422 --> 00:16:29,922 "Thou shall not lie"? Bitch! 358 00:16:29,924 --> 00:16:32,626 Audience: Oooooo, ohhhhh, 359 00:16:35,532 --> 00:16:37,332 TV Host: It seems to me that you did keep Ernie... 360 00:16:37,334 --> 00:16:38,499 Bonnie: I'm here! 361 00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:40,502 Hey, I'm in the living room! 362 00:16:40,504 --> 00:16:42,104 Bonnie: Come on in, Hank. 363 00:16:42,106 --> 00:16:44,207 I'm wearing my painting smock. 364 00:16:44,209 --> 00:16:46,176 Just ready to work. Hi! 365 00:16:47,279 --> 00:16:49,879 Look who's here, is that Sammie? 366 00:16:49,881 --> 00:16:52,082 Jason. Let's go over here. 367 00:16:52,084 --> 00:16:53,517 Sweetie? 368 00:16:53,519 --> 00:16:55,287 Stay right here, and you guys are going to play here 369 00:16:55,289 --> 00:16:56,687 nice and quiet. 370 00:16:56,689 --> 00:16:59,591 And mommy's going to help Sammie paint, huh? 371 00:16:59,593 --> 00:17:02,829 Here you go. Come on Hank, you help Jason with the puzzle. 372 00:17:02,831 --> 00:17:04,764 Oh sweetie! Oh honey. 373 00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:07,500 Oh Sammie! This place is so cute! 374 00:17:07,502 --> 00:17:09,370 I know it. Isn't it great? 375 00:17:09,372 --> 00:17:12,106 Sammie: Oh! I can't believe we're neighbors. 376 00:17:14,578 --> 00:17:15,844 -Hey! It's Miles. -I'm sorry about that. 377 00:17:15,846 --> 00:17:17,780 Oh I love Miles. 378 00:17:17,782 --> 00:17:21,183 Now we at the Miles Dougal show, appreciate your honesty... 379 00:17:21,185 --> 00:17:22,485 Okay, okay, this woman has just confessed 380 00:17:22,688 --> 00:17:26,523 that she's faked every orgasm for the last twenty three years. 381 00:17:26,525 --> 00:17:28,259 -Miles: Ernie, do you have... -And this is a revelation? 382 00:17:28,261 --> 00:17:31,596 ...anything, what so ever, to confess to Pearl? 383 00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:35,401 No. 384 00:17:36,404 --> 00:17:40,172 -Ernie never lies. -Ernie: That's right. 385 00:17:40,174 --> 00:17:41,440 Chicken. 386 00:17:41,442 --> 00:17:43,109 Well, we have a little surprise for you. 387 00:17:44,179 --> 00:17:45,880 It's Doogy Cam time. 388 00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:50,718 Roll it! 389 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:54,923 Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. 390 00:17:54,925 --> 00:17:58,126 Hold on gang. I... I believe 391 00:17:58,128 --> 00:18:01,230 that this is the church picnic 392 00:18:01,232 --> 00:18:05,335 that Ernie told you he was going on last Wednesday. 393 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,073 Oh. 394 00:18:08,075 --> 00:18:10,508 That isn't me. 395 00:18:10,944 --> 00:18:12,645 Sammie, don't get married. 396 00:18:12,647 --> 00:18:15,314 -Ugh! Please! -I'm serious. 397 00:18:15,316 --> 00:18:17,183 Call it off before it's too late. 398 00:18:17,185 --> 00:18:19,051 Oh! Come on. The people on those shows 399 00:18:19,053 --> 00:18:20,554 aren't for real. I mean it's like 400 00:18:20,556 --> 00:18:22,022 pro-wrestling, it's fixed. 401 00:18:22,024 --> 00:18:25,059 I'm just trying to save you from a really big heartache later on. 402 00:18:25,061 --> 00:18:27,161 I mean, I'm a prime example Sammie. Look at me. 403 00:18:27,163 --> 00:18:28,529 I'm a single mother. 404 00:18:28,531 --> 00:18:30,866 I have to go to work. I have to get a job. 405 00:18:30,868 --> 00:18:32,501 I'm telling you. Men! They're all the same. 406 00:18:32,503 --> 00:18:34,136 Even the best of them. They suck. 407 00:18:34,138 --> 00:18:35,538 Don't be naive Sammie. 408 00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:38,074 Oh... you shouldn't sound so bitter. 409 00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,376 You're the one kicked Stanley out. 410 00:18:40,378 --> 00:18:43,080 Yes! Because he cheated on me. 411 00:18:44,418 --> 00:18:47,519 Bitch! You know what he had to do? 412 00:18:47,521 --> 00:18:49,287 He was so riddled with guilt he had to drive 413 00:18:49,289 --> 00:18:51,257 right home and confess everything to me. 414 00:18:51,259 --> 00:18:52,357 -It was awful. -Okay, well, 415 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:53,493 at least he was honest. 416 00:18:53,495 --> 00:18:54,927 Oh, honest, schmonest. If he'd just 417 00:18:54,929 --> 00:18:57,431 kept his big fat mouth shut I'd still be married today. 418 00:18:57,433 --> 00:18:58,699 And I want you to think about it, Sammie. 419 00:18:58,701 --> 00:19:00,033 Think about if you were in my shoes. 420 00:19:00,035 --> 00:19:01,335 What if you found out that Sam was cheating on you? 421 00:19:01,337 --> 00:19:02,704 What would you do? 422 00:19:02,706 --> 00:19:04,639 Uh, well, to be honest 423 00:19:05,374 --> 00:19:07,175 Sam doesn't have it in him. 424 00:19:07,177 --> 00:19:08,777 Does he have a penis? 425 00:19:08,779 --> 00:19:11,013 Hmmm, uh, yes he does. 426 00:19:11,015 --> 00:19:12,248 -Then he has it in him. -Mommy. 427 00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:15,184 Oh. Well... what honey, what's the matter? 428 00:19:15,186 --> 00:19:17,087 -Jason. -What. 429 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:19,357 -Oh my God. Oh, oh baby. -Oh, no, no, no. 430 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,459 -Oh, honey. -He's sitting on paint. 431 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:22,593 I know. 432 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,930 Oh, he thinks it's his potty. 433 00:19:24,932 --> 00:19:26,665 Okay, I'm gonna go get a towel. 434 00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,868 Man: ...and she had hair below her ass. 435 00:19:28,870 --> 00:19:32,504 Long black shiny hair. 436 00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:34,742 It smelled like apricots or something. 437 00:19:34,744 --> 00:19:36,644 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. 438 00:19:36,646 --> 00:19:39,713 She smelled good everywhere, man. 439 00:19:39,715 --> 00:19:42,150 If you know what I mean. 440 00:19:42,152 --> 00:19:44,286 And, and... she was shaved, Sam. 441 00:19:44,288 --> 00:19:46,422 Oh please! I'm cooking here. 442 00:19:46,424 --> 00:19:48,658 Too bad you're getting married, man. 443 00:19:48,660 --> 00:19:50,226 She's got this roommate. 444 00:19:50,228 --> 00:19:53,095 Some kind of model or something. 445 00:19:53,097 --> 00:19:54,998 Sweet, I think you'd like her. Want to meet her? 446 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,535 No. Thank you. 447 00:19:57,537 --> 00:20:00,238 Suit yourself. More for me. 448 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,073 What do you mean, more for you? 449 00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:03,274 I thought you were dating her roommate? 450 00:20:03,276 --> 00:20:05,678 Yay. That's exactly why I'm a shoe in. 451 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,179 You see, unlike guys, chicks have 452 00:20:07,181 --> 00:20:08,715 no loyalty to one another. 453 00:20:08,717 --> 00:20:12,118 They'll fuck each other over, any chance they get. 454 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,055 It's this catty competitive thing they're born with. 455 00:20:15,057 --> 00:20:16,457 There's no easier way 456 00:20:16,459 --> 00:20:19,494 to get laid than to fuck a chick's best friend first. 457 00:20:19,496 --> 00:20:20,996 Who put these ideas in your head? 458 00:20:22,433 --> 00:20:24,400 You guys are disgusting. 459 00:20:24,402 --> 00:20:25,534 What do you mean guys? 460 00:20:25,536 --> 00:20:27,670 Guys plural? What did I say? 461 00:20:27,672 --> 00:20:30,340 I heard what you two guys were talking about and it's sick. 462 00:20:31,643 --> 00:20:33,811 I'm about to get married. I'm madly in love. 463 00:20:33,813 --> 00:20:36,847 So don't lump me in with Carl the conqueror. 464 00:20:37,216 --> 00:20:38,383 Creeps. 465 00:20:43,925 --> 00:20:45,224 She's a bitch. 466 00:20:45,961 --> 00:20:47,828 But she's got a nice ass. 467 00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:50,865 Oh, Carl, Carl, man. Get a hold of yourself. 468 00:20:55,705 --> 00:20:57,072 Here we go. 469 00:20:57,074 --> 00:20:58,439 Thank you. 470 00:21:00,544 --> 00:21:02,544 Can I get you gentlemen anything else? 471 00:21:02,546 --> 00:21:04,346 Ah... No. Thank you very much. 472 00:21:04,348 --> 00:21:05,548 -Thanks. -Okay. 473 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,087 Whoa! Would you look at the tush on her. 474 00:21:10,089 --> 00:21:12,790 -Joel: Very nice. -Rueben: No, no, not hers. Hers. 475 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,194 Oh Jesus! 476 00:21:16,196 --> 00:21:18,397 Would you just... don't do that to me. 477 00:21:18,399 --> 00:21:20,600 -Yummy. -Ha, ha, ha, ha. 478 00:21:21,602 --> 00:21:22,835 I can't believe I'm going to do this, 479 00:21:22,837 --> 00:21:25,371 -but can I ask you a question? -Yes, what? 480 00:21:25,373 --> 00:21:27,574 Do you think it's possible to remain faithful 481 00:21:27,576 --> 00:21:29,843 to one woman for the rest of your life? 482 00:21:29,845 --> 00:21:31,946 I-- I mean, do you believe in monogamy 483 00:21:31,948 --> 00:21:35,116 or it just something that we do because women expect it? 484 00:21:35,118 --> 00:21:36,718 Oh my God, you're having an affair. 485 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,554 Would you shut up. I am not having an affair. 486 00:21:38,556 --> 00:21:40,156 The last time you asked me that question 487 00:21:40,158 --> 00:21:41,425 you were cheating on Harriet with Sophie. 488 00:21:41,427 --> 00:21:43,660 -You're having an affair! -Shhh. 489 00:21:43,662 --> 00:21:45,395 I am not cheating, okay. 490 00:21:45,397 --> 00:21:48,299 I am thinking about things. 491 00:21:48,301 --> 00:21:50,134 We were discussing this issue at a dinner party. 492 00:21:50,136 --> 00:21:51,369 What country? 493 00:21:53,174 --> 00:21:54,605 Our country. What do you mean what country? 494 00:21:54,607 --> 00:21:56,275 What-- What does it matter what country? 495 00:21:56,277 --> 00:21:58,778 Views on monogamy, they differ from country to country. 496 00:21:58,780 --> 00:22:00,280 Take Utah for example. 497 00:22:00,282 --> 00:22:02,649 Those Mormons have seven, eight, ten wives at a time. 498 00:22:02,651 --> 00:22:06,086 Reuben, Utah is not a country. 499 00:22:06,088 --> 00:22:08,389 Utah is a state. 500 00:22:08,391 --> 00:22:09,825 All right fine. Japan. 501 00:22:09,827 --> 00:22:13,095 Okay? A good traditional Japanese wife 502 00:22:13,097 --> 00:22:15,465 encourages her husband to have an affair. 503 00:22:15,467 --> 00:22:17,834 They live for their husbands' happiness. Okay. 504 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:20,304 It's uh, it's good for their society. 505 00:22:20,306 --> 00:22:21,804 That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard. 506 00:22:21,806 --> 00:22:23,307 -What? -You're saying that-- 507 00:22:23,309 --> 00:22:25,610 that all Japanese wives act as pimps for their husbands? 508 00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:28,079 I mean come on. Don't be a schmuck, I'm serious. 509 00:22:28,915 --> 00:22:30,281 Alright. Yes. 510 00:22:30,283 --> 00:22:32,618 I believe monogamy is an essential component 511 00:22:32,620 --> 00:22:35,187 to a successful marriage in our culture. 512 00:22:35,189 --> 00:22:36,822 -Okay? -Thank you. 513 00:22:36,824 --> 00:22:39,058 Which if precisely why I will never get married. 514 00:22:39,060 --> 00:22:41,328 Because no, I do not believe it is natural. 515 00:22:41,330 --> 00:22:42,797 See that's where I'm having a problem. 516 00:22:42,799 --> 00:22:44,699 If men love sex, and men love their wives, 517 00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:46,267 and men love having sex with their wives, 518 00:22:46,269 --> 00:22:47,969 well, why are we so drawn to other women? 519 00:22:49,205 --> 00:22:50,839 -I'll tell you why. -Uh, oh. 520 00:22:50,841 --> 00:22:53,276 I love eating. Alright? 521 00:22:54,646 --> 00:22:56,646 I love lamb chops. 522 00:22:56,648 --> 00:22:59,183 I love eating lamp chops. 523 00:22:59,185 --> 00:23:00,985 But if I had to eat lamb chops, 524 00:23:00,987 --> 00:23:04,823 and only lamb chops for the rest of my life, 525 00:23:04,825 --> 00:23:06,625 who's to say what might happen if 526 00:23:06,627 --> 00:23:09,861 a cute taco or a sultry meatball sub 527 00:23:09,863 --> 00:23:11,430 were to saunter by. You know what I'm sayin'? 528 00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:13,065 How did I get a retarded brother? 529 00:23:13,067 --> 00:23:14,333 Listen Joel. 530 00:23:14,335 --> 00:23:16,068 What we say, I hope you realize, 531 00:23:16,070 --> 00:23:18,572 remains between you and me only. 532 00:23:18,574 --> 00:23:19,706 Yes. 533 00:23:19,708 --> 00:23:21,075 I know you love Sophie. 534 00:23:21,077 --> 00:23:23,044 But if you're really thinking you need a little... 535 00:23:23,447 --> 00:23:27,216 ...variety, Puddles has a twin sister to die for. 536 00:23:29,387 --> 00:23:31,954 -Is that a no? -That would be no. 537 00:23:51,580 --> 00:23:53,980 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, 538 00:23:53,982 --> 00:23:55,349 -I didn't mean to startle you. -Thank God. 539 00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:58,786 That's ok. Can I help you with something? 540 00:23:58,788 --> 00:24:00,956 Yes. I have my sixth anniversary coming up 541 00:24:00,958 --> 00:24:03,024 and I want to get my wife something really cool. 542 00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:04,260 She's a photographer, 543 00:24:04,262 --> 00:24:06,062 so I was wondering if you had any antique 544 00:24:06,064 --> 00:24:07,930 photographic equipment or 545 00:24:07,932 --> 00:24:09,599 something a photographer might like? 546 00:24:09,601 --> 00:24:10,833 Yeah. As a matter of fact 547 00:24:10,835 --> 00:24:12,336 we do have some pretty neat old cameras. 548 00:24:12,338 --> 00:24:14,739 -Something like that? -Sure. Yeah. 549 00:24:14,741 --> 00:24:16,374 -That'll be good. -In another room. Follow me. 550 00:24:24,719 --> 00:24:26,385 Man. This one's fantastic. 551 00:24:26,387 --> 00:24:28,755 -Oh yeah. -This is cool. 552 00:24:28,757 --> 00:24:30,524 Dates back to around the turn of the century. 553 00:24:30,526 --> 00:24:32,894 -Wow. -It's pretty expensive. 554 00:24:32,896 --> 00:24:36,130 -For my wife, anything. -She's a lucky girl. 555 00:24:37,868 --> 00:24:40,802 -So, you married? -Ha! No. 556 00:24:41,705 --> 00:24:42,971 Serious boyfriend? 557 00:24:43,775 --> 00:24:44,974 I wish. 558 00:24:46,143 --> 00:24:47,844 A pretty girl like you alone? 559 00:24:47,846 --> 00:24:51,081 Not for long. I wonder if this thing still works? 560 00:24:52,151 --> 00:24:54,586 Oh. I don't know actually. 561 00:24:54,588 --> 00:24:56,555 I'm sure if it does my wife will figure it out. 562 00:24:58,493 --> 00:24:59,825 You know, I'm a happily married man. 563 00:24:59,827 --> 00:25:01,727 But if I wasn't, I'd take you out in a second. 564 00:25:01,729 --> 00:25:04,330 -Really? -If, if you wanted to. 565 00:25:04,332 --> 00:25:06,365 -Then I would take you out. -Really? 566 00:25:06,367 --> 00:25:07,601 Thanks. 567 00:25:08,904 --> 00:25:11,873 If I wasn't married, I'm speaking 568 00:25:11,875 --> 00:25:13,775 totally hypothetically, and I asked you out. 569 00:25:13,777 --> 00:25:15,209 Would you go? 570 00:25:15,211 --> 00:25:19,081 Yeah, sure. If you weren't married. 571 00:25:19,083 --> 00:25:21,083 Ah yes. That's right. Of course, of course. 572 00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:26,857 So, you work here full time, or... 573 00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:30,995 No. Part time. I go to UCLA. (laughs) 574 00:25:33,633 --> 00:25:34,865 Drama student. 575 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:37,036 Ah, so you want to be an actress, huh? 576 00:25:38,238 --> 00:25:41,641 -I know. It sounds pathetic. -No it doesn't. 577 00:25:41,643 --> 00:25:43,810 All my favorite movies are filled with actresses. 578 00:25:43,979 --> 00:25:46,480 (laughs) 579 00:25:50,087 --> 00:25:51,252 I... 580 00:25:54,291 --> 00:25:56,725 I, uh... I gotta go. 581 00:25:56,727 --> 00:25:59,962 Um... forget about the camera. Thanks. 582 00:26:05,971 --> 00:26:08,940 Wait! Wait, wait, wait. What happened? 583 00:26:11,077 --> 00:26:14,546 I'm-- I'm sorry. This is gonna sound terrible. Um... 584 00:26:14,548 --> 00:26:15,981 If-- if I tell you something, you promise 585 00:26:15,983 --> 00:26:17,916 not to think I'm a complete neanderthal? 586 00:26:19,388 --> 00:26:20,821 Tell me what? 587 00:26:21,890 --> 00:26:24,190 I've been happily married for six years. 588 00:26:24,192 --> 00:26:25,960 Blissfully so. 589 00:26:25,962 --> 00:26:27,194 And in all that time I've never 590 00:26:27,196 --> 00:26:28,796 so much as even looked at another woman. 591 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,833 Why, I think that's beautiful. 592 00:26:33,238 --> 00:26:34,404 Yeah. 593 00:26:36,675 --> 00:26:38,541 Until I just saw you laugh. 594 00:26:49,022 --> 00:26:50,556 Mr. Gold, did you want to dictate 595 00:26:50,558 --> 00:26:52,124 the changes to the Fogelman brief now? 596 00:26:52,126 --> 00:26:54,226 You know, Dawn, I'm, I'm feeling a little nauseous. 597 00:26:54,228 --> 00:26:56,862 I-- I know I shouldn't have eaten that dessert. 598 00:26:56,864 --> 00:26:58,865 Aw. You want some Pepto Bismol? 599 00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:00,702 -No. -Tums? 600 00:27:00,704 --> 00:27:02,637 No. No. Thanks. I... 601 00:27:02,639 --> 00:27:04,205 I think I'll just go home a little early today. I'll... 602 00:27:04,207 --> 00:27:05,973 I'll take care of that brief in the morning. 603 00:27:13,285 --> 00:27:16,353 (heavy breathing) 604 00:28:14,724 --> 00:28:17,158 -Feel good? -Mm-hm. 605 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,193 Haven't seen you in long time. 606 00:28:19,195 --> 00:28:21,730 Mmm... yeah, you know how it is. 607 00:28:21,732 --> 00:28:24,399 Tough day? I feel much tension. 608 00:28:26,738 --> 00:28:29,173 You want special massage again today? 609 00:28:31,242 --> 00:28:32,409 Yes, please. 610 00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:35,846 What kind of special massage? 611 00:28:37,717 --> 00:28:39,018 Well, you know... 612 00:28:40,187 --> 00:28:43,355 like the kind... last time. 613 00:28:43,357 --> 00:28:45,492 You know, with... with the oil. 614 00:28:45,494 --> 00:28:48,161 -Hand job? -Yeah, that's the one. 615 00:29:00,811 --> 00:29:02,779 Well, I guess I won't be needing that any more. 616 00:29:08,921 --> 00:29:10,254 Okay. 617 00:29:14,561 --> 00:29:16,161 Oh... 618 00:29:16,163 --> 00:29:19,131 Feel good. Yes? 619 00:29:19,133 --> 00:29:20,766 Yes, very good. 620 00:29:22,403 --> 00:29:24,303 Joel: (thinking) This isn't cheating. 621 00:29:24,940 --> 00:29:27,241 This isn't cheating. 622 00:29:28,110 --> 00:29:29,776 What am I doing here? 623 00:29:29,778 --> 00:29:32,447 I'm cheating on my wife. 624 00:29:32,449 --> 00:29:34,015 No, no, this can't be cheating. 625 00:29:34,017 --> 00:29:36,885 Cheating is sleeping with another woman. 626 00:29:36,887 --> 00:29:38,153 I'm getting a massage. 627 00:29:38,155 --> 00:29:39,789 Nothing wrong with getting a massage. 628 00:29:39,791 --> 00:29:40,991 Men have urges. 629 00:29:41,158 --> 00:29:43,693 God, give women a penis for 24 hours and-- 630 00:29:43,695 --> 00:29:45,562 and then they'll know. 631 00:29:45,564 --> 00:29:48,199 Christ! What am I saying? 632 00:29:48,201 --> 00:29:52,204 I'm rationalizing the solicitation of prostitution. 633 00:29:52,206 --> 00:29:54,373 This is illegal. They raid places like this. 634 00:29:54,375 --> 00:29:56,675 Oh, that would be just great. 635 00:29:56,677 --> 00:29:59,579 Hi honey, this is Joel, I'm calling from jail. 636 00:29:59,581 --> 00:30:01,080 Could you please pick me up? 637 00:30:01,082 --> 00:30:04,518 Yeah, a little Korean lady was jerking me off, that's all. 638 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,921 That's it. I'm never coming in here again. 639 00:30:06,923 --> 00:30:09,424 (moaning) 640 00:30:16,099 --> 00:30:18,267 (screaming) 641 00:30:18,269 --> 00:30:22,639 I did not have sexual relations with that woman. 642 00:30:23,243 --> 00:30:25,209 How did your day go? Anything exciting? 643 00:30:27,013 --> 00:30:30,015 No. Nah, I just-- I just worked. 644 00:30:30,017 --> 00:30:31,951 These allegations are false. 645 00:30:33,621 --> 00:30:35,956 Well, you heard it here first. 646 00:30:35,958 --> 00:30:38,158 Supermodel Barcelona and her boyfriend 647 00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:39,793 of only three months, 648 00:30:39,795 --> 00:30:42,562 furrier tycoon, Shlomo Ginklestein, 649 00:30:42,564 --> 00:30:45,266 tied the knot yesterday at a private ceremony 650 00:30:45,268 --> 00:30:47,336 in his chalet in the Alps. 651 00:30:47,338 --> 00:30:49,905 Here's the happy couple feasting on wedding cake. 652 00:30:49,907 --> 00:30:52,140 Immediately after the ceremony they hopped in 653 00:30:52,142 --> 00:30:56,012 Shlomo's private SST to an undisclosed location 654 00:30:56,014 --> 00:30:59,750 for a romantic honeymoon. Congratulations you two. 655 00:30:59,752 --> 00:31:02,186 Men fuck looks. Women fuck power. 656 00:31:02,188 --> 00:31:03,755 Now, if that were reversed, 657 00:31:03,757 --> 00:31:06,124 and it was a 19 year old cute guy 658 00:31:06,126 --> 00:31:07,392 marring an 80 year old grandmother, 659 00:31:07,394 --> 00:31:09,295 people would just be throwing up. 660 00:31:09,864 --> 00:31:11,097 Why? 661 00:31:11,099 --> 00:31:13,766 Because that would be disgusting? 662 00:31:13,768 --> 00:31:15,736 Well, what's the difference? 663 00:31:15,738 --> 00:31:17,037 Honey, a young woman doesn't care 664 00:31:17,039 --> 00:31:18,740 what a guy looks like if he's rich. 665 00:31:18,742 --> 00:31:20,375 However, you take a young guy... 666 00:31:20,377 --> 00:31:21,976 all right, I don't care if she's a billionaire. 667 00:31:21,978 --> 00:31:23,345 How's he gonna get it up if the woman 668 00:31:23,347 --> 00:31:25,380 he's with looks like a shrunken apple head doll? 669 00:31:25,382 --> 00:31:27,348 Well that doesn't seem fair. 670 00:31:27,350 --> 00:31:29,718 Fair has nothing to do with it. It's nature. 671 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,587 Men are just genetically able to look better longer. 672 00:31:32,157 --> 00:31:33,822 Wait a minute. 673 00:31:33,824 --> 00:31:35,458 Wait a minute. Are you saying 674 00:31:35,460 --> 00:31:37,728 that men age better than women? 675 00:31:37,730 --> 00:31:39,196 It's a fact. 676 00:31:39,198 --> 00:31:41,532 Well it certainly is not a fact. 677 00:31:41,534 --> 00:31:43,402 It's just that in our male dominated, 678 00:31:43,404 --> 00:31:45,872 chauvinistic culture, when a woman hits forty 679 00:31:45,874 --> 00:31:47,906 she's thrown out to pasture, by the men. 680 00:31:47,908 --> 00:31:50,476 Look, honey, you're making way too much out of this. Okay? 681 00:31:50,478 --> 00:31:52,346 Men just have thicker skin layers. 682 00:31:52,348 --> 00:31:54,014 Less wrinkles with age. 683 00:31:54,016 --> 00:31:56,383 Oh! Women have more wrinkles 684 00:31:56,385 --> 00:31:58,419 because they carry the weight of a lifetime 685 00:31:58,421 --> 00:32:00,055 of oppression on their shoulders. 686 00:32:00,057 --> 00:32:01,623 I can't believe what I'm hearing! 687 00:32:01,625 --> 00:32:04,093 I cannot believe what I'm hearing from you... 688 00:32:04,095 --> 00:32:06,194 -...Joel! -How big is it! 689 00:32:06,196 --> 00:32:08,497 I can't believe you're jealous of a dead... bum! 690 00:32:08,499 --> 00:32:11,601 Oh, I'm not jealous! I'm just curious. That's all! 691 00:32:11,603 --> 00:32:14,639 All I said was that my cadaver has a big penis. 692 00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:16,006 No, no, no, no! 693 00:32:16,008 --> 00:32:18,009 You said "My cadaver has 694 00:32:18,011 --> 00:32:20,378 the biggest penis I've ever seen". 695 00:32:20,380 --> 00:32:23,649 -So? -So... you admit it. 696 00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:26,352 It is the biggest penis you've ever seen. 697 00:32:26,354 --> 00:32:30,056 God! You never tell me I have a big penis. 698 00:32:30,058 --> 00:32:32,692 Oh come on Joel! 699 00:32:32,694 --> 00:32:35,564 Your penis is fine and you know it! 700 00:32:36,500 --> 00:32:37,732 Fine? 701 00:32:38,502 --> 00:32:40,702 Fine is a far cry from 702 00:32:40,704 --> 00:32:43,472 "The biggest penis I've ever seen." 703 00:32:43,474 --> 00:32:45,174 And you know what, you said it with such a... 704 00:32:45,176 --> 00:32:48,711 a look... in your eyes. Such, such awe. 705 00:32:48,713 --> 00:32:50,647 Such hunger. (stuttering) I mean, no wonder you 706 00:32:50,649 --> 00:32:52,583 forgot lunch. You were delirious. 707 00:32:52,585 --> 00:32:56,187 This complex of yours, it has to stop, Joel. 708 00:32:56,189 --> 00:32:57,723 Now I have never, 709 00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:02,561 ever said anything derogatory about your penis. 710 00:33:03,164 --> 00:33:04,430 That's right. 711 00:33:04,432 --> 00:33:06,600 It's not what you have said. 712 00:33:06,601 --> 00:33:09,504 It's what you have not said. 713 00:33:09,506 --> 00:33:12,306 I mean, don't you think just once... 714 00:33:12,308 --> 00:33:14,976 I might like to hear, "Hey, Joel, 715 00:33:16,079 --> 00:33:17,745 you have a big penis." 716 00:33:20,852 --> 00:33:23,186 Hey, Joel. 717 00:33:24,723 --> 00:33:30,528 You have a really big penis. 718 00:33:45,948 --> 00:33:46,980 You didn't mean that. 719 00:33:50,187 --> 00:33:51,319 Sweetie. 720 00:33:55,659 --> 00:33:56,859 Joel. 721 00:33:57,929 --> 00:34:01,898 I... love... your... penis. 722 00:34:03,969 --> 00:34:08,974 It is the...perfect size for me. You know it is. 723 00:34:11,077 --> 00:34:15,380 I wouldn't want it to be one hair bigger. 724 00:34:18,086 --> 00:34:19,552 -Really? -Really. 725 00:34:20,990 --> 00:34:22,990 You know, I-- I get insecure sometimes. 726 00:34:23,759 --> 00:34:26,093 You don't have to. Not with me. 727 00:34:28,631 --> 00:34:30,265 Can I ask you one question? 728 00:34:30,601 --> 00:34:31,766 What? 729 00:34:33,203 --> 00:34:34,536 How big is it? 730 00:34:38,476 --> 00:34:40,811 -Thirteen inches. -Oh, fuck! 731 00:34:56,097 --> 00:34:57,464 -Hi. -Hello. 732 00:35:01,670 --> 00:35:03,104 -Sammie: Oh my God! -Oh my! What's the matter? 733 00:35:03,106 --> 00:35:04,305 What is it? 734 00:35:04,307 --> 00:35:05,539 Oh God, that was the biggest kick yet. 735 00:35:05,541 --> 00:35:06,874 -Did you feel it? -No. 736 00:35:06,876 --> 00:35:09,578 Oh God. Honey, honey, feel it, feel it. 737 00:35:09,580 --> 00:35:10,879 -Where is it? -Oh. Right here. 738 00:35:11,548 --> 00:35:13,116 Oh! There he goes. 739 00:35:13,118 --> 00:35:14,884 Oh look. He's just kicking away. 740 00:35:27,801 --> 00:35:29,335 What about me? 741 00:35:30,638 --> 00:35:33,939 I'm sorry, I just don't think it's a good idea right now. 742 00:35:36,145 --> 00:35:37,711 (mouths) In front of the baby. 743 00:35:37,713 --> 00:35:40,648 (laughs) He's not even born yet. 744 00:35:40,650 --> 00:35:42,550 Okay. The doctor told us that we could have sex 745 00:35:42,552 --> 00:35:44,019 right up until delivery. 746 00:35:44,021 --> 00:35:45,688 You're not going anywhere near the baby. 747 00:35:45,690 --> 00:35:46,922 Now come on... 748 00:35:47,925 --> 00:35:50,560 Not now. When he's asleep. 749 00:35:53,265 --> 00:35:54,898 I love you though. 750 00:35:59,673 --> 00:36:01,306 I love you too. 751 00:36:01,308 --> 00:36:03,642 -You okay? -Mm-hm. 752 00:36:27,638 --> 00:36:28,838 Sophie? 753 00:36:35,114 --> 00:36:36,514 Sophie, you hear something? 754 00:36:38,051 --> 00:36:41,019 Sophie, Sophie, wake up! Wake up! 755 00:36:41,021 --> 00:36:45,524 Joel. Joel. 756 00:36:45,526 --> 00:36:48,228 Who... who are you? 757 00:36:48,230 --> 00:36:54,168 I am the ghost of Christmas past. 758 00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:56,303 The ghost... 759 00:36:56,305 --> 00:36:59,608 the ghost of Christmas past? But I'm Jewish. 760 00:37:00,944 --> 00:37:04,180 Sorry. Wrong house. 761 00:37:04,516 --> 00:37:06,683 (evil laughter) 762 00:37:09,522 --> 00:37:11,589 Sophie. Sophie. 763 00:37:11,591 --> 00:37:13,858 Sophie, you just missed a ghost. 764 00:37:14,694 --> 00:37:16,060 Hand job? 765 00:37:16,363 --> 00:37:18,196 -(screaming) -No! 766 00:37:18,198 --> 00:37:19,965 (gasps) 767 00:37:23,038 --> 00:37:25,338 -You okay? -Yeah. 768 00:37:25,340 --> 00:37:29,009 Yeah. I just had a nightmare. That's all. 769 00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:43,259 Sammie? 770 00:37:46,566 --> 00:37:49,133 Sammie, are you asleep? 771 00:38:43,633 --> 00:38:45,833 (both grunting) 772 00:38:45,835 --> 00:38:48,637 (crowd cheering) 773 00:38:50,307 --> 00:38:52,307 (buzzer) 774 00:39:03,557 --> 00:39:05,723 Man: Popcorn! Popcorn! 775 00:39:05,725 --> 00:39:06,892 Man 2: Popcorn. 776 00:39:11,866 --> 00:39:13,265 Thanks. 777 00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:16,503 Popcorn! Popcorn! 778 00:39:18,740 --> 00:39:20,207 These are the worst seats I've ever had, Joel. 779 00:39:20,209 --> 00:39:23,177 So sorry. My brother swore to me that these were great seats. 780 00:39:23,179 --> 00:39:25,547 -He specifically said "great". -It's alright. 781 00:39:32,557 --> 00:39:33,823 That's Art. 782 00:39:33,825 --> 00:39:34,891 -Where? -Right there, that's Art. 783 00:39:34,893 --> 00:39:36,193 -Where? -Art! 784 00:39:37,129 --> 00:39:38,529 Joel: Hey! Art! 785 00:39:39,065 --> 00:39:40,231 Art! 786 00:39:41,067 --> 00:39:42,266 -Art! -Art! 787 00:39:43,070 --> 00:39:44,336 Both: Art! 788 00:39:46,941 --> 00:39:48,440 Art! 789 00:39:48,810 --> 00:39:51,744 -(whooping) -Art! 790 00:39:51,746 --> 00:39:53,847 -Yo! -(whooping) 791 00:39:55,818 --> 00:39:57,819 Can you believe that woman he's with? 792 00:39:57,821 --> 00:40:01,089 -Sexy. -Man! He uh, 793 00:40:01,091 --> 00:40:04,158 he sure stirred things up at the dinner party the other night. 794 00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:05,628 Isaac: Yeah I kinda agreed with a lot of what he was saying. 795 00:40:05,630 --> 00:40:07,196 -Yeah me too. -But, with Claudia there. 796 00:40:07,198 --> 00:40:08,397 -Hey! And Sophie. -I couldn't. 797 00:40:08,399 --> 00:40:10,867 -No. -Yeah. 798 00:40:10,869 --> 00:40:12,669 I mean. It's true, I think men have the ability 799 00:40:12,671 --> 00:40:14,638 to separate sex and love a lot more easily than women do. 800 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:15,840 -I agree with you. -You know, 801 00:40:16,009 --> 00:40:18,542 because of that I think we're more apt to maybe stray. 802 00:40:18,544 --> 00:40:20,379 -I agree with you again. -Yeah. You know, Joel, 803 00:40:20,381 --> 00:40:21,445 I'll tell you what it comes down to. 804 00:40:21,447 --> 00:40:23,615 It comes down to the genitals. 805 00:40:23,617 --> 00:40:25,784 -It does? -A penis is an external thing. 806 00:40:25,786 --> 00:40:27,720 -Yes. -Right? Like an arm or a nose. 807 00:40:27,722 --> 00:40:29,189 Yeah, it's just sticking out there. 808 00:40:29,191 --> 00:40:30,457 Right. You can stick it in a woman. 809 00:40:30,459 --> 00:40:31,557 You can stick it in a donut. 810 00:40:31,559 --> 00:40:33,394 You can stick it in a-- a pumpkin. 811 00:40:33,396 --> 00:40:34,796 Whatever, it doesn't matter. 812 00:40:34,798 --> 00:40:38,533 It is not an emotional experience. It's physical. 813 00:40:38,535 --> 00:40:40,336 The vagina... forget about it. 814 00:40:40,338 --> 00:40:41,703 It's a completely different thing. 815 00:40:41,705 --> 00:40:44,774 You know. It's... it's internal. It's a negative space. 816 00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:47,276 It's an opening into the body. It's very sacred. 817 00:40:47,278 --> 00:40:48,779 So, obviously it's going to be 818 00:40:48,781 --> 00:40:50,113 a much more emotional experience for a woman, 819 00:40:50,115 --> 00:40:51,982 you know, she's being invaded. 820 00:40:51,984 --> 00:40:53,284 Like Poland. 821 00:40:53,286 --> 00:40:54,719 She's obviously going to want it to be 822 00:40:54,721 --> 00:40:56,187 with somebody she feels closer to. 823 00:40:56,189 --> 00:40:58,156 You know. Somebody she trusts. 824 00:40:58,959 --> 00:41:02,094 What are you? An expert on female anatomy? 825 00:41:02,096 --> 00:41:03,295 Excuse me? 826 00:41:03,297 --> 00:41:04,798 Oh, you're a gynecologist right? 827 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,566 I mean you know so much about the vagina. 828 00:41:06,568 --> 00:41:08,168 You must be a... gynecologist. 829 00:41:08,170 --> 00:41:10,237 I think he was just trying to make a point. 830 00:41:10,239 --> 00:41:12,106 Well it's probably one of the most ignorant, 831 00:41:12,108 --> 00:41:13,474 over generalized points I've ever heard. 832 00:41:13,476 --> 00:41:14,676 Excuse me, you know what? 833 00:41:14,678 --> 00:41:16,311 Isaac: Actually I... am a gynecologist. Okay? 834 00:41:16,313 --> 00:41:17,979 And as far as I can tell 835 00:41:17,981 --> 00:41:20,015 I wasn't actually speaking to you. 836 00:41:20,017 --> 00:41:21,883 Well, Doctor. 837 00:41:21,885 --> 00:41:23,487 Just because a women has a vagina 838 00:41:23,489 --> 00:41:24,854 doesn't mean that she can't appreciate 839 00:41:24,856 --> 00:41:26,590 a mindless fuck with some dumb stud. 840 00:41:26,592 --> 00:41:28,092 I mean, you men think that you're 841 00:41:28,094 --> 00:41:30,028 the only ones that can fuck and forget it? 842 00:41:30,030 --> 00:41:32,230 Jesus Christ, this is fucking typical. 843 00:41:32,232 --> 00:41:33,598 Do you think you could say the word 844 00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:35,300 "fuck" just one more time? 845 00:41:35,302 --> 00:41:36,802 I don't think that child over there 846 00:41:36,804 --> 00:41:37,902 heard you the last time. 847 00:41:37,904 --> 00:41:39,071 You know what, you know what? 848 00:41:39,073 --> 00:41:40,741 Enjoy yourself. Have a good time, okay. 849 00:41:40,743 --> 00:41:41,874 Fuck your brains out. 850 00:41:41,876 --> 00:41:43,442 I'm sure it'll suit you just fine. 851 00:41:43,444 --> 00:41:44,611 You hear that Vicki? 852 00:41:44,613 --> 00:41:46,813 It's a typical threatened male response, 853 00:41:46,815 --> 00:41:48,182 when woman meets man on his own turf. 854 00:41:48,184 --> 00:41:50,084 -Mm-hm. -Excuse me. 855 00:41:50,086 --> 00:41:53,354 Typical male response? I'm not threatened by you. Okay? 856 00:41:53,356 --> 00:41:56,925 All men are threatened by a sexually independent woman. 857 00:41:56,927 --> 00:41:58,361 I hate to burst your bubble. 858 00:41:58,363 --> 00:41:59,963 But every woman you've ever fucked 859 00:41:59,965 --> 00:42:02,132 isn't sitting at home, staring at the phone, 860 00:42:02,134 --> 00:42:04,502 weeping "Why isn't he calling me? 861 00:42:04,504 --> 00:42:05,870 Why?" 862 00:42:06,806 --> 00:42:09,474 (sobbing) Why isn't he calling me? 863 00:42:10,811 --> 00:42:12,210 Why? 864 00:42:12,212 --> 00:42:14,747 Look, let's not get our panties in a bunch here. Okay? 865 00:42:14,749 --> 00:42:16,215 Why don't we just take a deep breath, 866 00:42:16,217 --> 00:42:18,451 and calm down. We're at a hockey game. 867 00:42:18,453 --> 00:42:20,254 We're supposed to have a good time. 868 00:42:20,256 --> 00:42:22,856 Let's not get carried away. Don't you agree good doctor? 869 00:42:22,858 --> 00:42:24,191 I do, I agree. 870 00:42:24,193 --> 00:42:26,161 You know what? I... 871 00:42:26,163 --> 00:42:29,165 I'd like to apologize for being so rude to you ladies. 872 00:42:29,166 --> 00:42:30,498 Really. 873 00:42:30,500 --> 00:42:32,601 And just to show there's no hard feelings 874 00:42:32,603 --> 00:42:35,271 I'll give you both a free pap smear. Okay? 875 00:42:35,273 --> 00:42:36,539 Pigs. 876 00:42:36,541 --> 00:42:38,508 (buzzer) 877 00:42:40,078 --> 00:42:41,912 There you go. Thank you. 878 00:42:45,351 --> 00:42:47,318 -Oh. Sorry. -So, Sophie? 879 00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:49,321 -Hi, Dr. Taft. -Hello. 880 00:42:49,323 --> 00:42:51,623 -How are you? -I'm fine. I'm good. 881 00:42:51,625 --> 00:42:53,091 What are you doing around here? 882 00:42:53,093 --> 00:42:57,096 Oh, I'm just buying a couple magazines on my way home. 883 00:42:57,098 --> 00:42:58,532 What are you doing here? 884 00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:00,835 Well I live just-- just around the corner. 885 00:43:00,837 --> 00:43:02,002 Really? 886 00:43:02,004 --> 00:43:04,271 As a matter of fact I was just going to grab a cup of coffee. 887 00:43:05,441 --> 00:43:06,740 Would you care to join me? 888 00:43:07,778 --> 00:43:09,912 I would. Thank you. 889 00:43:09,914 --> 00:43:14,218 So, what made you decide to become a doctor at 30? 890 00:43:14,220 --> 00:43:17,621 Oh, well, I always wanted to be a doctor. 891 00:43:17,623 --> 00:43:20,358 But I just didn't think I was smart enough. 892 00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:22,327 Ohh... psss. 893 00:43:22,329 --> 00:43:25,363 It was my husband actually who encouraged me. 894 00:43:25,365 --> 00:43:27,365 Sounds like a great guy. 895 00:43:27,367 --> 00:43:29,168 So tell me, are you married? 896 00:43:29,170 --> 00:43:30,669 Me? Oh, no. 897 00:43:30,671 --> 00:43:32,638 I've been living with someone for the last seven years. 898 00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:35,542 It's, uh, close enough to being married. 899 00:43:35,544 --> 00:43:39,347 Yeah, but... you don't get the tax breaks. 900 00:43:39,816 --> 00:43:41,182 Now that's true. 901 00:43:45,356 --> 00:43:46,655 Do you like art? 902 00:43:47,458 --> 00:43:49,058 You know Art? 903 00:43:49,060 --> 00:43:51,828 It's my other passion besides medicine. 904 00:43:52,264 --> 00:43:53,329 Oh. 905 00:43:53,331 --> 00:43:55,566 You know, we should really go to a museum together 906 00:43:55,568 --> 00:43:57,201 one of these days. 907 00:43:57,203 --> 00:43:59,237 Now there's plenty of splendid museums 908 00:43:59,239 --> 00:44:01,305 no one ever goes to in this town. 909 00:44:01,307 --> 00:44:02,674 I think it would be fun. 910 00:44:03,544 --> 00:44:04,709 Yeah. 911 00:44:05,446 --> 00:44:06,612 Okay. 912 00:44:07,315 --> 00:44:08,848 Sounds great. 913 00:44:08,850 --> 00:44:10,050 Good. 914 00:44:10,619 --> 00:44:13,654 (heavy breathing) 915 00:44:18,328 --> 00:44:21,463 (moans) 916 00:44:28,206 --> 00:44:30,807 You know, I've been married for six years. 917 00:44:31,710 --> 00:44:33,444 Blissfully so. 918 00:44:33,446 --> 00:44:36,380 And in all that time, 919 00:44:37,116 --> 00:44:42,388 I have never so much as even looked at another woman, 920 00:44:42,390 --> 00:44:44,324 until I looked into your eyes. 921 00:44:46,995 --> 00:44:50,431 -(laughs) -What? 922 00:44:50,433 --> 00:44:53,000 -What? -Cut the shit, Romeo. 923 00:44:55,672 --> 00:44:58,741 (moaning) 924 00:45:04,515 --> 00:45:07,584 -(bed creaking) -(heavy breathing) 925 00:45:12,726 --> 00:45:15,193 (breathing gets faster) 926 00:45:15,429 --> 00:45:16,729 More iced tea? 927 00:45:17,898 --> 00:45:19,431 No. Thank you. 928 00:45:21,135 --> 00:45:23,737 (loud moaning) 929 00:45:27,110 --> 00:45:28,575 I'm sorry. 930 00:45:28,577 --> 00:45:30,878 You don't have to keep apologizing. 931 00:45:32,082 --> 00:45:33,748 I think it's wonderful that you don't want to 932 00:45:33,750 --> 00:45:35,217 cheat on your wife. 933 00:45:35,219 --> 00:45:37,052 Funny thing is I... 934 00:45:37,054 --> 00:45:41,791 I do want to, but I can't. 935 00:45:41,793 --> 00:45:43,193 I mean it's not you. 936 00:45:43,195 --> 00:45:45,162 I mean, I came here with every intention of... 937 00:45:45,864 --> 00:45:46,997 you know. 938 00:45:47,366 --> 00:45:48,866 I know. 939 00:45:48,868 --> 00:45:51,735 -You're extremely sexy. -Thank you. 940 00:45:51,737 --> 00:45:54,640 I would like nothing more than to just... 941 00:45:55,810 --> 00:46:00,279 you know... have... sex with you. But I can't. 942 00:46:00,281 --> 00:46:03,250 I just-- I would feel too guilty. 943 00:46:03,252 --> 00:46:05,686 I can't do that to my wife. 944 00:46:05,688 --> 00:46:08,823 I think that is so refreshing. And rare. 945 00:46:08,958 --> 00:46:11,827 I hope she appreciates what a wonderful husband she has. 946 00:46:13,998 --> 00:46:15,231 Thank you. 947 00:46:16,134 --> 00:46:19,269 (moaning gets louder) 948 00:46:24,877 --> 00:46:26,277 How about a hand job? 949 00:46:28,248 --> 00:46:30,649 And the two girls were doing each other. 950 00:46:30,651 --> 00:46:33,018 It was incredible, Sam. 951 00:46:33,020 --> 00:46:35,321 Have you ever been with two girls at the same time? 952 00:46:35,323 --> 00:46:38,558 -No. -(laughs) You gotta do it man. 953 00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:41,094 You gotta do it before you get married. 954 00:46:41,096 --> 00:46:44,632 They're both on their hands and knees. Right? 955 00:46:44,634 --> 00:46:47,302 And I'm-- I'm pumping one from behind. 956 00:46:47,304 --> 00:46:48,670 And then I turn around 957 00:46:48,672 --> 00:46:50,139 I'm pumping the other from behind. 958 00:46:50,141 --> 00:46:53,943 And then I'm back and forth and back and forth... 959 00:46:53,945 --> 00:46:55,712 Alright! Alright! I get the picture. 960 00:46:55,714 --> 00:46:57,746 It just doesn't sound very sanitary. 961 00:46:57,748 --> 00:46:59,683 Ah, what are you, dead? 962 00:46:59,685 --> 00:47:01,886 No, I just happen to be madly in love with Sammie 963 00:47:01,888 --> 00:47:03,588 and I don't need group encounters 964 00:47:03,589 --> 00:47:04,689 with a bunch of bimbos. 965 00:47:04,691 --> 00:47:06,924 Hey, hey, hey! I love them. 966 00:47:08,028 --> 00:47:09,561 That's it. I'm taking my break. 967 00:47:09,563 --> 00:47:12,065 -Louey. Take over. -Where you goin'? 968 00:47:30,087 --> 00:47:33,789 -Oh yes. -Oh, oh yeah. 969 00:47:33,791 --> 00:47:35,459 Make the captain happy. 970 00:47:35,461 --> 00:47:36,960 The captain likes that. 971 00:47:36,962 --> 00:47:39,697 -Ooh yeah. -Woman: Ooh, Captain! 972 00:47:39,699 --> 00:47:41,799 You have such a big vessel. 973 00:47:41,801 --> 00:47:44,135 Up periscope. 974 00:47:44,137 --> 00:47:47,673 -(giggling) -(moaning) 975 00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:53,513 Sam? 976 00:47:54,449 --> 00:47:55,982 Sam. Is that you out there? 977 00:47:59,222 --> 00:48:00,888 Yeah, it is you. 978 00:48:00,890 --> 00:48:03,992 Girls, remember Sam? Sam's back. 979 00:48:03,994 --> 00:48:05,494 Women: Hi, Sam. 980 00:48:06,997 --> 00:48:10,567 Hi. Ah, how ya doin'? 981 00:48:10,569 --> 00:48:11,835 You really have to ask? 982 00:48:11,837 --> 00:48:14,204 I thought you weren't going to come back in here any more. 983 00:48:14,206 --> 00:48:16,207 I couldn't help it. 984 00:48:16,209 --> 00:48:17,409 You know I keep telling myself 985 00:48:17,411 --> 00:48:19,578 that I am never coming in here again. 986 00:48:19,580 --> 00:48:21,479 That I'm going to throw away all my magazines. 987 00:48:21,481 --> 00:48:23,481 But I... I can't stick to it. 988 00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:24,983 Woman: Hey, don't worry about it. 989 00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:28,789 Watching blue movies is the safest sex there is, right? 990 00:48:28,791 --> 00:48:31,358 I know what I wanted to ask you. Are you married yet? 991 00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:32,492 Next month. 992 00:48:32,494 --> 00:48:34,395 Captain: Well, congratulations. 993 00:48:34,397 --> 00:48:36,164 Congratulations. 994 00:48:36,166 --> 00:48:37,332 Thank you. 995 00:48:38,068 --> 00:48:41,136 Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much. 996 00:48:41,138 --> 00:48:43,572 Yeah, I'm like the luckiest guy in the whole wide world. 997 00:48:43,574 --> 00:48:45,108 I mean, I can't believe it. 998 00:48:45,110 --> 00:48:46,242 After all these years. 999 00:48:46,244 --> 00:48:49,179 I am just so... in love. 1000 00:48:49,181 --> 00:48:53,150 Hey. wait a second. If you're so in love 1001 00:48:53,152 --> 00:48:55,086 what the hell are you doing in here? 1002 00:48:55,088 --> 00:48:56,622 Alright. 1003 00:48:56,624 --> 00:48:59,591 This is why I'm torn. I know I'm not cheating. 1004 00:48:59,593 --> 00:49:01,026 But I still feel like a degenerate 1005 00:49:01,028 --> 00:49:02,428 and a pervert when I'm in here. 1006 00:49:02,430 --> 00:49:03,930 -Hey. -I'm sorry. 1007 00:49:03,932 --> 00:49:07,034 Therefore, I can't tell Sammie. Because I'm embarrassed. 1008 00:49:07,036 --> 00:49:09,003 But then that makes me a secret keeper. 1009 00:49:09,005 --> 00:49:10,904 And then I feel guilty and then I... 1010 00:49:10,906 --> 00:49:12,806 You see where I'm goin'... with this? 1011 00:49:12,808 --> 00:49:14,709 -Captain: Sam. -Yeah? 1012 00:49:14,711 --> 00:49:16,311 Take a tip from the captain. 1013 00:49:16,313 --> 00:49:18,513 You have nothing to feel guilty about. 1014 00:49:18,515 --> 00:49:19,715 You love your wife. 1015 00:49:19,717 --> 00:49:21,117 -You remain faithful. -Yeah. 1016 00:49:21,119 --> 00:49:23,152 That's all that matters. 1017 00:49:23,154 --> 00:49:26,490 Just think of us as... research. 1018 00:49:26,492 --> 00:49:29,359 Hey, can we cut the little morality play please? 1019 00:49:29,361 --> 00:49:31,396 Some of us are trying to jerk off. 1020 00:49:31,398 --> 00:49:32,897 Captain: Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry. 1021 00:49:32,899 --> 00:49:33,965 -Woman: We're sorry. -Sorry. 1022 00:49:33,967 --> 00:49:35,300 Yeah, go ahead, continue. 1023 00:49:35,469 --> 00:49:36,635 -We're sorry, go ahead. -Bad Captain! Bad Captain! 1024 00:49:36,637 --> 00:49:38,537 -Bad. -Bad. 1025 00:49:38,539 --> 00:49:39,872 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... 1026 00:49:39,874 --> 00:49:41,941 Woman: Bad. Bad. Bad. 1027 00:49:41,943 --> 00:49:43,510 -So bad! -Captain: That's my derriere. 1028 00:49:43,512 --> 00:49:44,945 Easy. Easy, easy. 1029 00:49:52,923 --> 00:49:54,623 Isaac. 1030 00:49:54,625 --> 00:49:56,158 I didn't have time to go to the store. 1031 00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:58,928 I guess we can just order in Chinese. 1032 00:50:05,538 --> 00:50:06,805 Oh my... 1033 00:52:51,267 --> 00:52:53,233 Sophie: That is the most romantic thing 1034 00:52:53,235 --> 00:52:54,969 -I have ever heard. -Yeah. 1035 00:52:54,971 --> 00:52:57,205 And, to top it all off, he bought me 1036 00:52:57,207 --> 00:52:58,806 this wonderful antique camera from 1037 00:52:58,808 --> 00:53:00,809 like the turn of the century, or something. 1038 00:53:00,811 --> 00:53:02,878 It must have cost him a fortune. 1039 00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:06,049 What an anniversary. So what did you get him? 1040 00:53:06,051 --> 00:53:07,317 Oh, you're not going to believe this, 1041 00:53:07,319 --> 00:53:09,653 but with my job being so hectic I forgot. 1042 00:53:09,655 --> 00:53:12,323 -You didn't. -I know, it's terrible. 1043 00:53:12,325 --> 00:53:13,725 But he was so sweet about it. 1044 00:53:13,727 --> 00:53:17,563 He said that his gift was my happiness that night. 1045 00:53:17,565 --> 00:53:18,932 -Aw. -Yeah. 1046 00:53:18,934 --> 00:53:21,200 Of, of course had the tables been turned 1047 00:53:21,202 --> 00:53:22,568 and he forgot I would have 1048 00:53:22,570 --> 00:53:24,237 been a raving hell bitch on wheels. 1049 00:53:25,307 --> 00:53:28,375 (children wailing) 1050 00:53:29,178 --> 00:53:31,512 Here, grab that corner. 1051 00:53:31,514 --> 00:53:33,982 Why don't you just hire someone to do all this stuff? 1052 00:53:33,984 --> 00:53:35,885 Doesn't Sam make enough money? 1053 00:53:35,887 --> 00:53:37,052 Oh, stop it. 1054 00:53:38,790 --> 00:53:40,856 Will you two please... shut up! 1055 00:53:40,858 --> 00:53:43,327 -God it never stops! -Oh, hey, hey, hey! 1056 00:53:43,329 --> 00:53:44,995 Do you guys want to watch some TV? 1057 00:53:46,565 --> 00:53:47,966 God. Are you okay? 1058 00:53:47,968 --> 00:53:49,099 Right here sweetie. 1059 00:53:49,101 --> 00:53:51,803 -I'll sit down with you baby. -We're going to watch some TV. 1060 00:53:51,805 --> 00:53:53,137 Oh honey, can you sit right here. 1061 00:53:53,139 --> 00:53:54,572 It'll be okay honey. 1062 00:53:54,574 --> 00:53:57,142 She's going to put on something good for you to watch. 1063 00:53:57,144 --> 00:53:59,679 Right Sammie? Find something please, anything. 1064 00:53:59,681 --> 00:54:02,415 Hey. Eyeballs the Robot Goes West. 1065 00:54:02,417 --> 00:54:04,285 Oh! We love Eyeballs. 1066 00:54:04,287 --> 00:54:06,420 Who loves Eyeballs? We love Eyeballs. 1067 00:54:07,322 --> 00:54:08,522 Put Eyeballs in. 1068 00:54:08,524 --> 00:54:10,859 Okay. Cool. Here we go. Look! 1069 00:54:10,861 --> 00:54:12,394 Oh! You're going to love Eyeballs, 1070 00:54:12,396 --> 00:54:13,595 it's a very good one. 1071 00:54:13,597 --> 00:54:15,163 And we're going to go for ice cream later. 1072 00:54:23,776 --> 00:54:25,175 You guys want anything else? 1073 00:54:29,049 --> 00:54:31,049 His pickle is bigger than mine. 1074 00:54:31,051 --> 00:54:33,319 Story of your life, eh pal? 1075 00:54:33,321 --> 00:54:35,187 Got a regular "Don Rickles" here. 1076 00:54:35,189 --> 00:54:36,522 Joel. 1077 00:54:36,524 --> 00:54:38,825 Take a little advice from me this time, okay? 1078 00:54:38,827 --> 00:54:42,029 Do not, under any circumstances, tell Sophie. 1079 00:54:42,031 --> 00:54:44,365 All right? Do not tell Sophie. 1080 00:54:44,367 --> 00:54:46,134 Reuben, I-- I am a cheater. 1081 00:54:46,136 --> 00:54:48,836 I've got this-- this black cloud hanging over my head. 1082 00:54:48,838 --> 00:54:50,406 See. That's just it. 1083 00:54:50,408 --> 00:54:52,508 You're going to be telling her to make yourself feel better. 1084 00:54:52,510 --> 00:54:54,743 Believe me, she doesn't want to know. 1085 00:54:54,745 --> 00:54:56,446 Besides, it's not really cheating. 1086 00:54:56,448 --> 00:54:59,049 It's not cheating? Wha... what is it? 1087 00:54:59,051 --> 00:55:00,184 Did you fuck her? 1088 00:55:00,186 --> 00:55:03,320 No, she... she gave me a hand job. 1089 00:55:06,927 --> 00:55:09,494 -That's it? -"That's it?"? 1090 00:55:09,496 --> 00:55:10,663 A hand job 1091 00:55:10,665 --> 00:55:12,799 from some bimbo after a hockey game 1092 00:55:12,801 --> 00:55:14,200 is not cheating. 1093 00:55:14,202 --> 00:55:15,569 Okay? 1094 00:55:15,571 --> 00:55:18,005 I thought at least you got a blow job or something. 1095 00:55:18,007 --> 00:55:20,475 If it's nothing, why do I feel so nauseous? 1096 00:55:20,477 --> 00:55:23,078 It's Jewish guilt. Mom instilled it in us both. 1097 00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:24,713 You've gotta fight it, Joel. Fight it! 1098 00:55:24,715 --> 00:55:26,181 Right. Fight it. 1099 00:55:26,183 --> 00:55:28,683 Besides you told me about the massage parlor. 1100 00:55:28,685 --> 00:55:30,553 -What's the difference? -The difference? 1101 00:55:30,555 --> 00:55:31,954 The difference is I didn't pick somebody up 1102 00:55:31,956 --> 00:55:33,390 and take them back to their apartment. I just-- 1103 00:55:33,392 --> 00:55:36,359 Got your crank yanked! Big whoop! 1104 00:55:36,361 --> 00:55:37,695 Put it in its proper perspective. 1105 00:55:37,697 --> 00:55:40,531 Okay? Think about it. If Sophie had some... 1106 00:55:40,533 --> 00:55:42,834 nothing thing, that happened on the side. 1107 00:55:42,836 --> 00:55:45,504 Some meaningless whatever, that was never going to happen again. 1108 00:55:45,740 --> 00:55:47,339 Would you really want to know? 1109 00:55:47,341 --> 00:55:48,575 Yes. 1110 00:55:48,577 --> 00:55:50,443 Yes I would want to know. But, come on. 1111 00:55:50,445 --> 00:55:51,845 That-- that would never happen. 1112 00:55:52,647 --> 00:55:55,548 Sophie: It was a breezy night 1113 00:55:55,550 --> 00:55:59,854 and there was a chemistry, you know? 1114 00:55:59,856 --> 00:56:03,959 I really, I didn't encourage it, it was just there. 1115 00:56:03,961 --> 00:56:08,030 And I hadn't felt that feeling in a really long time. 1116 00:56:08,032 --> 00:56:11,769 And... electricity between us, you know. 1117 00:56:11,771 --> 00:56:14,605 It actually made me kind of nervous. 1118 00:56:15,274 --> 00:56:17,242 He walked me to my car. 1119 00:56:17,244 --> 00:56:18,543 And... 1120 00:56:30,359 --> 00:56:33,261 No way! 1121 00:56:33,263 --> 00:56:35,463 I feel real guilty about that. 1122 00:56:35,465 --> 00:56:37,098 Oh! Pshaw! 1123 00:56:37,100 --> 00:56:39,233 You didn't do anything. 1124 00:56:39,235 --> 00:56:42,437 It's not what I did. It's what I felt. 1125 00:56:43,374 --> 00:56:46,276 I actually think I have a little crush on this guy. 1126 00:56:46,278 --> 00:56:49,112 He invited me to a museum next week. 1127 00:56:49,114 --> 00:56:50,481 I'm not going. 1128 00:56:52,351 --> 00:56:54,351 The boys have been so good. 1129 00:56:54,353 --> 00:56:55,787 Not a peep out of them. 1130 00:56:55,789 --> 00:56:58,657 Yeah. It's almost a little too quiet. 1131 00:56:58,659 --> 00:57:00,960 Hey! Hank! How you guys doing in there? 1132 00:57:03,865 --> 00:57:05,064 Hank? 1133 00:57:08,704 --> 00:57:10,070 Oh. 1134 00:57:11,740 --> 00:57:13,574 -Oh my God. 1135 00:57:13,576 --> 00:57:15,610 What's going on? Why are you so quiet? 1136 00:57:15,612 --> 00:57:17,245 Woman: Keep pumping Colonel, we're going to lose the ship. 1137 00:57:17,247 --> 00:57:19,481 Man: I'm pumping as fast as I can, Captain! 1138 00:57:19,483 --> 00:57:20,716 -Oh my God! -Oh! Oh, no! 1139 00:57:20,852 --> 00:57:21,985 -Sammie: Oh my God! -Bonnie: Okay! Okay! Okay! 1140 00:57:21,987 --> 00:57:23,520 I know boys! Please don't watch it! 1141 00:57:23,522 --> 00:57:24,921 Don't look, I don't want you to! Please don't look! 1142 00:57:24,923 --> 00:57:27,157 Oh, don't look babies! It's okay! Turn it off! 1143 00:57:27,861 --> 00:57:28,959 Turn it off! 1144 00:57:28,961 --> 00:57:30,728 Yes hon, it's going to be, it's okay. 1145 00:57:30,730 --> 00:57:32,997 I know! I know! God! 1146 00:57:33,566 --> 00:57:36,067 (children crying) 1147 00:57:36,069 --> 00:57:39,404 Bonnie: Oh my God. Eyeballs the Robot my ass! 1148 00:57:39,406 --> 00:57:42,542 God, Bonnie, I am so sorry. You saw the box. 1149 00:57:42,544 --> 00:57:44,944 I had no idea it was in there. 1150 00:57:44,946 --> 00:57:48,048 Fuck Rogers in the 69th Century? Sammie! 1151 00:57:48,050 --> 00:57:50,885 God! I swear to God I have no idea how that happened. 1152 00:57:50,887 --> 00:57:51,987 Chicken! 1153 00:57:51,989 --> 00:57:53,488 -Oh honey no... -Oh, God. 1154 00:57:53,490 --> 00:57:54,823 Jason, come on honey. 1155 00:57:54,825 --> 00:57:56,292 Come on honey. Go play with Hanky. 1156 00:57:56,294 --> 00:57:58,895 You guys go-- go play puzzle. Mommy will be right there. 1157 00:57:58,897 --> 00:58:00,630 -Oh God. -Play with something nice. 1158 00:58:00,632 --> 00:58:03,600 Okay! Okay! Okay! It's alright. 1159 00:58:03,602 --> 00:58:05,669 They must have put the wrong tape 1160 00:58:05,671 --> 00:58:07,372 in the wrong box at the store. 1161 00:58:07,374 --> 00:58:08,907 It's a mistake. It happens. 1162 00:58:08,909 --> 00:58:12,511 Oh. You... You can't be that naive. Can you? 1163 00:58:12,513 --> 00:58:13,711 What? 1164 00:58:15,016 --> 00:58:17,283 Oh? You don't really think I did this? 1165 00:58:17,285 --> 00:58:19,452 Of course not! 1166 00:58:20,187 --> 00:58:21,821 Who's tape is this? 1167 00:58:22,624 --> 00:58:23,925 It's Sam's. But that doesn't-- 1168 00:58:23,927 --> 00:58:26,227 But nothing! I rest my case! 1169 00:58:26,229 --> 00:58:29,865 Why would Sam hide a porno tape in the house? 1170 00:58:29,867 --> 00:58:32,234 Oh! What do you need? A sex education class? 1171 00:58:32,236 --> 00:58:33,669 Figure it out? 1172 00:58:36,240 --> 00:58:37,507 Oh, my God. 1173 00:58:37,509 --> 00:58:40,878 -Oh no, oh no. -Oh Sammie. I'm sorry, I... 1174 00:58:42,581 --> 00:58:44,616 -I must not satisfy him fully. -Oh! 1175 00:58:44,618 --> 00:58:47,485 No! I mean, I... am I not sexy, anymore? 1176 00:58:47,487 --> 00:58:49,221 I mean, is this because I'm pregnant? 1177 00:58:49,223 --> 00:58:51,222 Oh, Sammie. 1178 00:58:51,224 --> 00:58:52,758 Don't-- don't do that to yourself. 1179 00:58:52,760 --> 00:58:54,226 Please. You are a beautiful woman. 1180 00:58:54,228 --> 00:58:55,461 This is not your fault. 1181 00:58:55,463 --> 00:58:56,796 No. It's just that we, 1182 00:58:56,798 --> 00:58:59,800 we haven't made love as much lately, I just... 1183 00:58:59,802 --> 00:59:02,402 maybe he just finds me repulsive. 1184 00:59:02,404 --> 00:59:04,272 You know, no maybe he feels like he, 1185 00:59:04,273 --> 00:59:06,407 he just has to marry me, because I'm pregnant, 1186 00:59:06,409 --> 00:59:09,210 and-- and really doesn't find me desirable at all any more. 1187 00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:10,646 I don't know. 1188 00:59:10,648 --> 00:59:13,182 I just know that we have never had secrets before. 1189 00:59:13,184 --> 00:59:14,483 -Never. -Oh, Sammie. 1190 00:59:14,486 --> 00:59:17,288 I have to say it. I told you so. I told you this. 1191 00:59:17,290 --> 00:59:20,691 Men are men. Get your head out of the sand. 1192 00:59:20,693 --> 00:59:21,926 Sam is the same as every 1193 00:59:21,928 --> 00:59:24,196 other two-legged testosterone factory. 1194 00:59:24,198 --> 00:59:25,797 They're all cheats. All of them. 1195 00:59:27,334 --> 00:59:29,568 Is watching a porno movie cheating? 1196 00:59:30,839 --> 00:59:32,338 It's just one notch away. 1197 00:59:33,875 --> 00:59:35,641 Stanley watched porno movies. 1198 01:00:01,608 --> 01:00:03,976 There you go, Merle. Thank you. 1199 01:00:03,978 --> 01:00:06,412 I just loved your last book. Dead Turtles. 1200 01:00:06,414 --> 01:00:07,746 Oh, you were the one who bought that. 1201 01:00:07,748 --> 01:00:09,348 Well, thank you very much. 1202 01:00:10,118 --> 01:00:12,285 Can you sign it to Bambi? 1203 01:00:12,287 --> 01:00:14,155 Because I'm your biggest fan. 1204 01:00:14,157 --> 01:00:16,090 Well, I'll be. 1205 01:00:16,092 --> 01:00:18,492 If it isn't Miss Congeniality. 1206 01:00:18,494 --> 01:00:21,363 Despair is in D'Trunk. 1207 01:00:21,365 --> 01:00:22,999 Now that sounds cheery. 1208 01:00:23,001 --> 01:00:24,132 Standard novel fair. 1209 01:00:24,134 --> 01:00:26,035 Boy meets girl. Boy kills girl. 1210 01:00:26,037 --> 01:00:28,839 Boy stuffs girl in trunk and drives cross country. 1211 01:00:28,841 --> 01:00:30,039 The usual. 1212 01:00:30,042 --> 01:00:32,910 Ugh! So, how many did you sign today? 1213 01:00:32,912 --> 01:00:35,313 -Including the last two? -Uh huh. 1214 01:00:35,315 --> 01:00:37,816 -Two. -Aw. 1215 01:00:37,818 --> 01:00:40,051 Well. Just to prove to you that I'm not 1216 01:00:40,053 --> 01:00:43,956 the total bitch you think I am, I'm going to buy this one. 1217 01:00:45,293 --> 01:00:47,694 I never thought you were a total bitch. 1218 01:00:47,696 --> 01:00:49,930 I admire someone who's committed to a point of view. 1219 01:00:50,666 --> 01:00:53,000 I said I'd buy it. I didn't say I'd read it. 1220 01:00:53,536 --> 01:00:54,735 Bitch. 1221 01:00:55,271 --> 01:00:56,671 To Claudia. 1222 01:00:56,673 --> 01:00:59,908 The subject of my next book. 1223 01:01:00,644 --> 01:01:01,878 I'm flattered. 1224 01:01:02,546 --> 01:01:03,645 Ah. 1225 01:01:06,418 --> 01:01:09,887 You know, it is possible... 1226 01:01:11,257 --> 01:01:13,592 ...highly unlikely, but possible, 1227 01:01:13,594 --> 01:01:15,059 that I might have been, 1228 01:01:15,061 --> 01:01:18,464 in the most minute and unintentional way, 1229 01:01:19,767 --> 01:01:22,802 a hair obnoxious at that party myself. 1230 01:01:22,804 --> 01:01:25,438 Get out of here. You? 1231 01:01:25,440 --> 01:01:27,341 Could be. 1232 01:01:27,343 --> 01:01:30,644 -Oh! Can I show you something? -Sure. 1233 01:01:36,853 --> 01:01:39,488 -Here it is. -My God. What is it? 1234 01:01:39,490 --> 01:01:40,956 I'll have you know you're not the only one 1235 01:01:40,958 --> 01:01:42,859 who's been published. 1236 01:01:42,861 --> 01:01:47,198 No. This is a compilation of award winning photographs. 1237 01:01:47,200 --> 01:01:49,200 Feast your eyes on page 188. 1238 01:01:49,202 --> 01:01:52,404 Ooh, I'm very impressed. 1239 01:01:52,406 --> 01:01:55,107 "Photographed by Claudia VonHoist". 1240 01:01:55,743 --> 01:01:57,377 This is very good. 1241 01:01:58,812 --> 01:02:00,647 -I love it. -Ooh. 1242 01:02:00,649 --> 01:02:02,048 Who's the guy? 1243 01:02:02,050 --> 01:02:04,984 Oh, this is the oldest lighthouse keeper on Cape Cod, 1244 01:02:04,986 --> 01:02:06,820 and these are two of his otters. 1245 01:02:06,822 --> 01:02:08,423 Well I guess, now I'll have to buy your book. 1246 01:02:08,425 --> 01:02:09,590 Uh huh. 1247 01:02:11,695 --> 01:02:12,961 "To Art, 1248 01:02:13,630 --> 01:02:18,936 How can so much jerk 1249 01:02:18,938 --> 01:02:24,141 fit into such a small package? 1250 01:02:24,577 --> 01:02:25,842 Claudia." 1251 01:02:31,751 --> 01:02:33,018 Touch�. 1252 01:02:36,090 --> 01:02:37,356 Alright. 1253 01:02:44,234 --> 01:02:46,534 -(clears throat) Guys... -Huh? 1254 01:02:47,737 --> 01:02:49,838 Alright. I'll call you okay? 1255 01:02:49,840 --> 01:02:52,307 Bye sweetie. Bye bye, baby. 1256 01:02:53,445 --> 01:02:56,512 Ah man, what a woman. 1257 01:02:56,514 --> 01:02:58,782 You are lucky you only got a fine. 1258 01:02:58,784 --> 01:02:59,950 Now listen to me. If I didn't go to 1259 01:02:59,952 --> 01:03:01,252 law school with that prosecutor, 1260 01:03:01,254 --> 01:03:02,420 you would have gotten in a lot more trouble, 1261 01:03:02,422 --> 01:03:03,854 do you understand? Do you understand? 1262 01:03:03,856 --> 01:03:06,024 -So stop being such a hot head! -Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. 1263 01:03:06,025 --> 01:03:07,125 -Thank you. -You're welcome. 1264 01:03:07,127 --> 01:03:08,193 -I mean it, thank you. -Alright. 1265 01:03:08,195 --> 01:03:09,461 -You are my hero. -Alright. 1266 01:03:09,463 --> 01:03:11,163 -My brother, thank you. -Alright I'll see you 1267 01:03:11,165 --> 01:03:12,231 at mom's birthday party. 1268 01:03:12,232 --> 01:03:13,899 Okay, okay, I mean it man. 1269 01:03:13,901 --> 01:03:15,635 -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -You are my Willie Mays. 1270 01:03:15,637 --> 01:03:18,038 -You are my Neil Armstrong. -Enough. Enough. 1271 01:03:18,040 --> 01:03:20,041 -Go home you little shit. -We won! (whooping) 1272 01:03:20,043 --> 01:03:21,576 Stay out of trouble. 1273 01:04:10,168 --> 01:04:12,002 (gasps) 1274 01:04:20,613 --> 01:04:23,649 (cheering and applause) 1275 01:04:24,552 --> 01:04:26,386 Miles: Hey everybody. We're back. 1276 01:04:27,388 --> 01:04:29,489 We're talking with Sammie. 1277 01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:31,324 Now Sammie has recently discovered 1278 01:04:31,326 --> 01:04:34,495 that her fiance has been secretly watching 1279 01:04:34,497 --> 01:04:35,763 porno movies. 1280 01:04:37,300 --> 01:04:39,634 (audience booing) 1281 01:04:39,636 --> 01:04:42,372 Now, it's obvious to me that Sammie's 1282 01:04:42,374 --> 01:04:44,039 not ready to face this yet. 1283 01:04:45,243 --> 01:04:47,710 Now Sammie, in your opinion, 1284 01:04:47,712 --> 01:04:49,913 knowing Sam as well as you do, 1285 01:04:49,914 --> 01:04:52,484 is Sam's obsession with porn, 1286 01:04:52,486 --> 01:04:58,057 Sam's sick, perverse, twisted, 1287 01:04:58,059 --> 01:05:02,628 disturbed preoccupation with images of sweaty strangers, 1288 01:05:02,630 --> 01:05:07,200 thrusting, secreting and fornicating, 1289 01:05:07,202 --> 01:05:10,738 is this vile addiction 1290 01:05:10,740 --> 01:05:13,241 an indicator that Sam, 1291 01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:18,247 your fiance, might be cheating? 1292 01:05:22,586 --> 01:05:27,792 Well, I've... I have given this a lot of thought, Miles. 1293 01:05:28,794 --> 01:05:31,762 And no! No! Absolutely not! 1294 01:05:31,764 --> 01:05:34,499 (audience shouting) 1295 01:05:34,501 --> 01:05:36,968 No. None of you know Sam like I do. 1296 01:05:36,970 --> 01:05:39,972 He's just-- He's different than that. 1297 01:05:39,974 --> 01:05:41,974 Pipe down gang. 1298 01:05:41,976 --> 01:05:44,945 Sammie, we have a little surprise for you. 1299 01:05:46,615 --> 01:05:48,882 It's Doogy Cam time. 1300 01:05:52,155 --> 01:05:53,388 What? 1301 01:05:53,390 --> 01:05:55,657 Direct, from the motel across the street 1302 01:05:55,659 --> 01:05:57,626 from your dry cleaner. 1303 01:05:57,628 --> 01:05:59,995 It's show time. 1304 01:06:00,298 --> 01:06:03,099 (laughing) 1305 01:06:03,235 --> 01:06:05,670 -Sammie! -(screams) 1306 01:06:05,838 --> 01:06:07,070 I can explain. 1307 01:06:07,072 --> 01:06:08,272 It's not what it looks like, Sammie. 1308 01:06:08,274 --> 01:06:10,542 -Sammie: Turn it off! -Sammie. 1309 01:06:10,544 --> 01:06:12,811 Turn it off! 1310 01:06:12,946 --> 01:06:15,614 (evil laughter) 1311 01:06:16,650 --> 01:06:18,952 (gasps) 1312 01:07:12,750 --> 01:07:15,818 (moaning) 1313 01:08:59,877 --> 01:09:01,143 Dr. Taft: You thinking what I'm thinking? 1314 01:09:01,145 --> 01:09:02,811 Sophie: That we can never do this again. 1315 01:09:03,180 --> 01:09:04,647 I think the best thing is if we just 1316 01:09:04,649 --> 01:09:06,449 put this whole thing behind us. 1317 01:09:06,451 --> 01:09:08,384 Right we, we move forward. We are adults. 1318 01:09:08,386 --> 01:09:10,087 Right... right... right. 1319 01:09:10,089 --> 01:09:13,057 Oh Gosh, this is just something we could have never predicted. 1320 01:09:13,059 --> 01:09:14,759 It's just-- it just-- it just happened. 1321 01:09:14,761 --> 01:09:16,761 Exactly, exactly, I mean, 1322 01:09:16,764 --> 01:09:18,931 we're both coming at it from exactly the same place. 1323 01:09:18,933 --> 01:09:20,966 I mean, we both have a great deal to lose. 1324 01:09:23,471 --> 01:09:25,071 Oh God, I love her. 1325 01:09:26,208 --> 01:09:28,141 I love him so much. 1326 01:09:33,683 --> 01:09:34,983 See you in class. 1327 01:09:35,619 --> 01:09:36,784 Yeah. 1328 01:09:57,846 --> 01:10:00,914 I can't believe it. I just-- I can't believe it. 1329 01:10:00,916 --> 01:10:04,151 Man: It's the classic "man with a double life" scenario. 1330 01:10:04,153 --> 01:10:06,553 Jekyll and Hyde. I see them everyday. 1331 01:10:06,555 --> 01:10:08,089 One way at home with the wife and kids, 1332 01:10:08,091 --> 01:10:10,925 another way when out perusing the gay bar scene. 1333 01:10:11,428 --> 01:10:13,229 He's gay? 1334 01:10:13,231 --> 01:10:16,900 No. I was just saying as an example. 1335 01:10:16,902 --> 01:10:20,070 Your fiance is what I like to call a "Porno Pete". 1336 01:10:20,072 --> 01:10:21,872 A little nickname we give to the guys 1337 01:10:21,874 --> 01:10:24,675 who "like to watch TV", if you know what I mean. 1338 01:10:25,778 --> 01:10:29,747 Is he... cheating on me with anyone? 1339 01:10:31,351 --> 01:10:32,584 Probably. 1340 01:10:32,586 --> 01:10:34,187 If he's got a couple of honeys stashed, 1341 01:10:34,189 --> 01:10:36,022 he's keeping them well hidden. 1342 01:10:36,024 --> 01:10:38,358 We could be following him around for months. 1343 01:10:38,360 --> 01:10:40,995 Now I suggest we speed things up 1344 01:10:40,997 --> 01:10:43,164 and go with plan B. 1345 01:10:43,166 --> 01:10:45,000 Operation Bait. 1346 01:10:46,435 --> 01:10:47,936 Operation Bait? 1347 01:10:48,539 --> 01:10:50,505 Works every time. 1348 01:10:55,213 --> 01:10:56,579 Man: Come in. 1349 01:11:09,964 --> 01:11:11,897 I think not. 1350 01:11:11,899 --> 01:11:14,200 (laughs) 1351 01:11:20,342 --> 01:11:21,576 Thank you. 1352 01:11:23,346 --> 01:11:25,012 Okay, I'm just staying for cheese cake 1353 01:11:25,014 --> 01:11:26,648 and then really I gotta go. 1354 01:11:26,650 --> 01:11:29,952 -One more time. -Oh. Three is more than enough. 1355 01:11:29,954 --> 01:11:31,955 Don't you ever get tired? 1356 01:11:31,957 --> 01:11:34,123 When you have sex as infrequently as I do, 1357 01:11:34,125 --> 01:11:36,160 you have to stock up. 1358 01:11:36,162 --> 01:11:37,761 That's not what I've heard about you. 1359 01:11:37,763 --> 01:11:38,996 No. Really, I, I gotta go home 1360 01:11:38,998 --> 01:11:40,731 because Isaac will be expecting me. 1361 01:11:41,567 --> 01:11:43,935 Why do I get the feeling this is 1362 01:11:43,937 --> 01:11:46,439 not the first time that you have done 1363 01:11:46,441 --> 01:11:47,673 this sort of thing? 1364 01:11:47,675 --> 01:11:49,876 -It's not. -Ah ha. 1365 01:11:49,878 --> 01:11:52,345 What would Isaac think? 1366 01:11:52,347 --> 01:11:55,583 Well, Isaac and I have... an agreement. 1367 01:11:55,585 --> 01:11:56,917 -Really? -Mm-hm. 1368 01:11:56,919 --> 01:11:59,187 -What kind of agreement? -Oh, I don't ask questions. 1369 01:11:59,188 --> 01:12:00,521 He doesn't ask questions. 1370 01:12:00,523 --> 01:12:01,990 And then we just love each other madly 1371 01:12:01,992 --> 01:12:04,092 when we're together. It's perfect. 1372 01:12:05,162 --> 01:12:07,998 Wait a second, wait a second. 1373 01:12:08,799 --> 01:12:10,467 If memory serves me 1374 01:12:10,469 --> 01:12:12,570 you were my arch enemy at that dinner. 1375 01:12:12,572 --> 01:12:15,272 If your views are so liberal I could have used a little help. 1376 01:12:15,274 --> 01:12:16,741 Well, my relationship with Isaac 1377 01:12:16,743 --> 01:12:18,976 is not dinner party conversation. 1378 01:12:18,978 --> 01:12:23,215 Besides, your arrogance really pissed me off. 1379 01:12:23,384 --> 01:12:25,651 (chuckles) 1380 01:12:27,021 --> 01:12:30,457 So, if you guys sleep with other people, 1381 01:12:30,459 --> 01:12:32,326 doesn't that undermine 1382 01:12:32,328 --> 01:12:34,728 the whole concept of a committed relationship? 1383 01:12:35,699 --> 01:12:37,966 Are you, Mr. Free Love Art, 1384 01:12:37,968 --> 01:12:40,235 saying that we should be monogamous? 1385 01:12:40,237 --> 01:12:42,872 Isn't that the whole point of marriage in the first place? 1386 01:12:43,640 --> 01:12:46,142 The holy bond. The scared trust. 1387 01:12:46,144 --> 01:12:47,543 All that stuff. 1388 01:12:47,545 --> 01:12:49,512 Wait a minute, are you the same Art from the party? 1389 01:12:49,514 --> 01:12:51,982 The, the one who said 1390 01:12:51,984 --> 01:12:54,886 "monogamy is denial", "all couples cheat". 1391 01:12:54,888 --> 01:12:57,188 I mean what... what was all that about? 1392 01:12:58,058 --> 01:12:59,958 Research for my new book. 1393 01:13:01,897 --> 01:13:03,863 You really are an asshole. 1394 01:13:04,899 --> 01:13:06,099 Yes. 1395 01:13:06,101 --> 01:13:10,136 But... a very cute asshole. 1396 01:13:12,642 --> 01:13:14,041 Man: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. 1397 01:13:14,043 --> 01:13:15,409 I would like to thank you for 1398 01:13:15,411 --> 01:13:18,480 your continued support of this fine museum. 1399 01:13:18,482 --> 01:13:21,417 You angels, you patrons and you contributors, 1400 01:13:21,419 --> 01:13:24,722 we owe you a tremendous debt of gratitude and thanks. 1401 01:13:24,724 --> 01:13:27,825 This year's dinner I think was the most delicious yet. 1402 01:13:27,827 --> 01:13:29,927 Indeed, please join me 1403 01:13:29,929 --> 01:13:32,864 in thanking our caterers this evening. 1404 01:13:32,866 --> 01:13:34,466 The Bellissimo Belle Cafe, 1405 01:13:34,468 --> 01:13:38,570 chef Samuel Gordon and his entire fine staff. 1406 01:13:38,572 --> 01:13:40,440 -Thank you. -(applause) 1407 01:13:40,442 --> 01:13:41,540 Thank you. 1408 01:13:42,678 --> 01:13:44,511 Now then... 1409 01:13:44,513 --> 01:13:46,079 When this great institution 1410 01:13:46,081 --> 01:13:50,251 first opened its doors in 1927... 1411 01:13:50,253 --> 01:13:52,920 Have you had a chance to try one of Sam's eclairs yet? 1412 01:13:53,923 --> 01:13:55,391 They are fucking delicious. 1413 01:13:55,393 --> 01:13:56,692 -(gasps) -You should try one. 1414 01:14:10,811 --> 01:14:12,210 What is that? 1415 01:14:12,212 --> 01:14:15,681 This is a hazelnut tort with caramelized icing. 1416 01:14:16,817 --> 01:14:18,518 They all look so divine. 1417 01:14:18,520 --> 01:14:19,819 I don't know what to choose. 1418 01:14:19,821 --> 01:14:21,687 Well, why don't you try... 1419 01:14:21,689 --> 01:14:23,257 would you like to try a piece of this? 1420 01:14:23,259 --> 01:14:24,925 And maybe some... some other stuff? 1421 01:14:24,927 --> 01:14:27,729 -Little bit of everything. -You're the chef, aren't you? 1422 01:14:27,731 --> 01:14:29,230 Yes I am. 1423 01:14:29,232 --> 01:14:31,667 My God. You are a genius. 1424 01:14:33,004 --> 01:14:34,870 -Hi, I'm Candace. -Sam. 1425 01:14:34,872 --> 01:14:36,839 I do P.R. for the museum. 1426 01:14:36,841 --> 01:14:38,040 Nice to meet you. 1427 01:14:39,344 --> 01:14:42,146 -Oh, your fork. -Thank you. 1428 01:14:42,148 --> 01:14:43,748 Do they ever call you Candy? 1429 01:14:45,452 --> 01:14:47,585 Sometimes. 1430 01:14:47,587 --> 01:14:48,786 It's ironic that I should meet somebody 1431 01:14:48,788 --> 01:14:50,289 named Candy at a desert table. 1432 01:14:52,760 --> 01:14:54,594 You're funny. 1433 01:14:54,596 --> 01:14:56,396 I love a man with a sense of humor. 1434 01:14:57,365 --> 01:14:58,698 It's rare. 1435 01:15:03,906 --> 01:15:07,074 Well, that's... that's quite a pin you're wearing. 1436 01:15:07,076 --> 01:15:08,710 Candace: I love spiders. 1437 01:15:08,712 --> 01:15:10,679 I think they're mysterious and sexy. 1438 01:15:10,681 --> 01:15:15,051 Well... "Step into my parlor said the spider to the fly". 1439 01:15:15,053 --> 01:15:16,853 Oh my God. 1440 01:15:16,855 --> 01:15:19,089 He's flirting with her. 1441 01:15:19,091 --> 01:15:20,457 Candace: You're so clever. 1442 01:15:21,193 --> 01:15:23,727 You're so funny. 1443 01:15:23,729 --> 01:15:25,763 And very clever, ho, ho. 1444 01:15:25,765 --> 01:15:27,699 I can't believe he's buying that shit. 1445 01:15:27,701 --> 01:15:31,036 Sammie, this may get very difficult to watch. 1446 01:15:31,038 --> 01:15:34,141 My operative is prepared to go all the way. 1447 01:15:36,311 --> 01:15:37,878 I'm staying. 1448 01:15:37,880 --> 01:15:39,580 Candace: The lobster ravioli... 1449 01:15:41,117 --> 01:15:42,885 ...I think I could bathe in that stuff. 1450 01:15:43,854 --> 01:15:46,221 Sam: Thank you very much. I'm glad you liked it. 1451 01:15:47,224 --> 01:15:49,558 Would you like a bite of your own cake? 1452 01:15:49,560 --> 01:15:52,595 Well I usually don't... Oh, okay... 1453 01:15:52,597 --> 01:15:54,230 He hates cake. 1454 01:15:55,001 --> 01:15:56,267 Sam: Thank you. 1455 01:16:46,962 --> 01:16:48,896 (screaming) 1456 01:16:50,298 --> 01:16:53,400 Don't tell her Joel. I mean it! Don't tell her! 1457 01:16:57,007 --> 01:16:58,473 Rueben: Break it up! Come on! Break it up, break it up! 1458 01:16:58,475 --> 01:16:59,874 I mean it Joel! I know what you're thinking. 1459 01:16:59,876 --> 01:17:02,311 -You'll be sorry! -Shut up! 1460 01:17:03,681 --> 01:17:05,014 Did you say something? 1461 01:17:07,352 --> 01:17:09,286 No, why? 1462 01:17:09,288 --> 01:17:11,489 Sweetie, you look a little pale. 1463 01:17:11,491 --> 01:17:12,790 Do you feel okay? 1464 01:17:13,860 --> 01:17:15,660 Sophie, I have to tell you something. 1465 01:17:21,802 --> 01:17:24,104 I just can't believe no one's thought of the idea. 1466 01:17:24,106 --> 01:17:26,740 Carl? I'll see you back at headquarters. 1467 01:17:29,912 --> 01:17:32,480 Well, I should get going too. 1468 01:17:32,482 --> 01:17:33,615 Oh no. So soon? 1469 01:17:33,617 --> 01:17:35,851 Mmm... it's been great talking to you. 1470 01:17:37,354 --> 01:17:39,321 I guess I'll call a cab. 1471 01:17:39,323 --> 01:17:40,790 Well, you know, I've got my car. 1472 01:17:40,792 --> 01:17:42,091 I could give you a ride. 1473 01:17:42,093 --> 01:17:43,426 That would be great. 1474 01:17:43,428 --> 01:17:44,594 Okay. 1475 01:17:45,464 --> 01:17:47,631 Walt! Walt! Wake up. 1476 01:17:47,633 --> 01:17:49,500 Wake up, they're leaving. 1477 01:17:49,502 --> 01:17:51,101 -Oh, shit. -They're leaving. Go. 1478 01:17:51,103 --> 01:17:52,937 -The subject's mobile. -Quick. 1479 01:18:03,018 --> 01:18:05,852 Then I have to go to work, which is... work. 1480 01:18:05,854 --> 01:18:07,721 And then... work. You know. 1481 01:18:08,892 --> 01:18:10,091 Sam: Here you go, watch your head. Yeah. 1482 01:18:10,093 --> 01:18:11,593 -Candace: Thank you. -Sam: Okay. 1483 01:18:17,135 --> 01:18:18,601 Come on baby. 1484 01:18:21,106 --> 01:18:22,405 Candace: Coogan. 1485 01:18:22,407 --> 01:18:23,841 Are you sure you don't mind, I feel really... 1486 01:18:23,843 --> 01:18:25,176 Sam: No, that's all right. 1487 01:18:32,319 --> 01:18:33,585 Sam: Where do you live again? 1488 01:18:33,587 --> 01:18:35,021 Wilshire? Wilshire and what? 1489 01:18:35,023 --> 01:18:36,089 Candace: Coogan. 1490 01:18:36,257 --> 01:18:37,957 It's two blocks easts of Fairfax. 1491 01:18:37,959 --> 01:18:39,259 Sam: What's your favorite dessert? 1492 01:18:39,261 --> 01:18:40,426 -Candace: Tapioca. -Sam: Tapioca? 1493 01:18:40,428 --> 01:18:42,463 Sammie: You know you think-- you think you know someone. 1494 01:18:42,464 --> 01:18:44,498 Yeah, you think you really know someone. 1495 01:18:44,501 --> 01:18:46,134 And then suddenly, he's driving 1496 01:18:46,136 --> 01:18:48,570 to some strange woman's house in the middle of the night. 1497 01:18:48,572 --> 01:18:50,205 Can you ever really know someone? 1498 01:18:50,207 --> 01:18:52,775 I mean really know them? 1499 01:18:52,777 --> 01:18:54,577 Sam knows everything there is to know about me. 1500 01:18:54,579 --> 01:18:55,946 -Walt: Everything? -Everything. 1501 01:18:55,948 --> 01:18:58,281 Come on. Old romances. 1502 01:18:58,283 --> 01:19:00,618 Past lovers. Secret crushes. 1503 01:19:00,620 --> 01:19:03,354 Private fantasies while you're having sex. 1504 01:19:03,356 --> 01:19:05,256 Everybody's got things going on their head 1505 01:19:05,258 --> 01:19:07,258 that no one else knows about. 1506 01:19:07,260 --> 01:19:08,327 Everyone. 1507 01:19:08,329 --> 01:19:10,796 Well, I guess-- I guess 1508 01:19:10,798 --> 01:19:13,098 there was the time that I kissed this... 1509 01:19:13,100 --> 01:19:16,236 I kissed this waiter, Carl, at his restaurant. 1510 01:19:16,238 --> 01:19:17,771 But it was a Christmas party. You know. 1511 01:19:17,773 --> 01:19:20,107 There-- there was mistletoe and... 1512 01:19:21,177 --> 01:19:23,412 there was tongue involved however. 1513 01:19:23,414 --> 01:19:26,281 -See. -Well, I'm not proud of it. 1514 01:19:26,283 --> 01:19:28,884 In the movies everything's always 1515 01:19:28,886 --> 01:19:31,287 spelled out in black and white. 1516 01:19:31,289 --> 01:19:34,258 Real life is more complex than that. 1517 01:19:34,260 --> 01:19:38,695 And love is the most complex issue of all. 1518 01:19:38,697 --> 01:19:40,665 I bet you'll never guess who I saw today. 1519 01:19:40,667 --> 01:19:42,700 -Who? -Art. 1520 01:19:42,702 --> 01:19:45,671 Art: People are imperfect. 1521 01:19:45,673 --> 01:19:48,641 I'm neither condoning nor condemning. 1522 01:19:48,643 --> 01:19:49,943 Isaac: God, the guy was so nervous. 1523 01:19:49,945 --> 01:19:51,043 ...any particular style of commitment 1524 01:19:51,045 --> 01:19:52,145 over another in my book. 1525 01:19:52,313 --> 01:19:54,714 I went over to him just to say hi, and he... 1526 01:19:54,716 --> 01:19:56,384 -He got all fidgety and... -Art: wanted to explore couples. 1527 01:19:56,386 --> 01:19:58,019 ...pale and sweaty. 1528 01:19:58,021 --> 01:20:00,087 The guy couldn't even make eye contact with me. 1529 01:20:02,826 --> 01:20:04,760 He couldn't get away from me fast enough. 1530 01:20:04,762 --> 01:20:06,628 He almost got hit by a bus starting across the street. 1531 01:20:06,630 --> 01:20:08,131 Art: I've talked to a lot of people and... 1532 01:20:08,133 --> 01:20:09,632 Isaac: I think there's something seriously wrong with that guy. 1533 01:20:09,634 --> 01:20:12,635 Art: ...and, ah, I've lived a bit of a life myself. 1534 01:20:12,637 --> 01:20:15,772 And if there is one thing that I have learned... 1535 01:20:17,877 --> 01:20:21,413 ...it's that I have absolutely no idea 1536 01:20:22,249 --> 01:20:23,715 what I'm talking about. 1537 01:20:24,384 --> 01:20:26,752 (audience applauds) 1538 01:20:30,759 --> 01:20:33,627 Miles: The book is called The Monogamy Denial. 1539 01:20:38,168 --> 01:20:39,334 What? 1540 01:20:41,839 --> 01:20:43,439 Did... did you fuck him? 1541 01:20:50,249 --> 01:20:52,283 I thought we had an agreement. 1542 01:20:53,119 --> 01:20:54,352 "No questions." 1543 01:20:58,625 --> 01:20:59,825 Yeah we did. 1544 01:20:59,827 --> 01:21:01,026 -Oh. -Yes we do. 1545 01:21:01,028 --> 01:21:02,928 -Hey. -You're right. 1546 01:21:02,930 --> 01:21:04,264 -Come here. -Hey! 1547 01:21:04,266 --> 01:21:05,465 Come here! 1548 01:21:13,844 --> 01:21:15,544 Sophie: How many times, Joel? 1549 01:21:16,380 --> 01:21:17,612 How many times? 1550 01:21:17,614 --> 01:21:19,180 -I don't. I don't know. -How many times? 1551 01:21:19,182 --> 01:21:20,782 -Joel: I said I don't know! -Sophie: How many times? 1552 01:21:20,784 --> 01:21:22,251 Joel: I really don't... three or four. 1553 01:21:22,253 --> 01:21:24,186 -Three or four? -Honey, I never touched them. 1554 01:21:24,188 --> 01:21:25,856 (laughs) Well they sure as 1555 01:21:25,858 --> 01:21:27,524 -shit touched you, didn't they? -Would you rather 1556 01:21:27,526 --> 01:21:28,893 I not tell you? You're the one that told me 1557 01:21:28,895 --> 01:21:30,228 -to be honest with you. -I cannot believe this. 1558 01:21:30,230 --> 01:21:31,895 -I cannot believe this. -Baby! Baby! 1559 01:21:31,897 --> 01:21:33,798 It didn't mean anything. It meant zero. 1560 01:21:33,800 --> 01:21:35,434 Well if it meant nothing, Joel, 1561 01:21:35,436 --> 01:21:38,904 then what the hell do you feel so guilty about? 1562 01:21:41,108 --> 01:21:45,312 Because... I love you. 1563 01:21:46,648 --> 01:21:51,720 Oh... and that makes it all okay. 1564 01:21:54,391 --> 01:21:57,526 This changes everything, Joel. 1565 01:21:58,830 --> 01:22:00,063 I know. 1566 01:22:07,039 --> 01:22:08,238 I'm really sorry. 1567 01:22:09,977 --> 01:22:12,444 (sobs) 1568 01:22:13,348 --> 01:22:15,247 Art was right. 1569 01:22:17,218 --> 01:22:20,687 You men are all alike. 1570 01:22:20,689 --> 01:22:23,624 You think with your dicks and that is it! 1571 01:22:27,964 --> 01:22:30,666 I thought you were better than that, Joel. 1572 01:22:32,470 --> 01:22:33,802 Yeah. I thought so too. 1573 01:22:37,476 --> 01:22:38,642 Look. 1574 01:22:39,277 --> 01:22:41,078 Look. I-- I'll just... 1575 01:22:41,080 --> 01:22:43,480 I'll get a hotel for tonight. 1576 01:23:05,142 --> 01:23:07,475 (sniffs) No, wait. 1577 01:23:13,818 --> 01:23:16,887 Do you understand why I am so upset with you right now? 1578 01:23:16,889 --> 01:23:18,155 Yeah... 1579 01:23:18,857 --> 01:23:20,023 ...of course I understand. 1580 01:23:26,032 --> 01:23:28,033 I have something to tell you. 1581 01:23:30,938 --> 01:23:32,104 What? 1582 01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:40,081 Because it was me who said "be honest" 1583 01:23:40,083 --> 01:23:42,249 and I meant it when I said it. 1584 01:23:44,354 --> 01:23:45,554 So... 1585 01:23:48,660 --> 01:23:49,859 Yeah? 1586 01:24:00,941 --> 01:24:04,043 Thank you... for being honest with me. 1587 01:24:04,045 --> 01:24:06,011 I know that was really hard for you. 1588 01:24:12,955 --> 01:24:15,922 -I'm really hurt right now. -I know. 1589 01:24:22,333 --> 01:24:24,333 This is going to be really hard for me. 1590 01:24:26,804 --> 01:24:28,571 Just tell me what I can do. 1591 01:24:34,981 --> 01:24:36,715 Just show me you love me. 1592 01:24:39,486 --> 01:24:40,752 I love you. 1593 01:24:43,858 --> 01:24:45,525 Joel: I love you so much. 1594 01:25:03,614 --> 01:25:05,047 Sam: This has been fun. 1595 01:25:06,851 --> 01:25:09,120 Now seriously, you have to come into the restaurant. 1596 01:25:10,522 --> 01:25:13,825 You know, there's been a few robberies in this building. 1597 01:25:13,827 --> 01:25:15,827 Do you think it would be too much for me to ask 1598 01:25:15,829 --> 01:25:17,729 if you could walk to my door? 1599 01:25:17,731 --> 01:25:19,031 If he goes... 1600 01:25:19,033 --> 01:25:20,633 -Oh no, no, no problem. -Candace: You've been so nice. 1601 01:25:20,634 --> 01:25:22,234 -Gave me a ride. -Oh my pleasure. 1602 01:25:22,236 --> 01:25:23,469 Asshole! 1603 01:25:28,311 --> 01:25:29,844 Okay. 1604 01:25:32,348 --> 01:25:33,647 Ah. Here we go. 1605 01:25:35,118 --> 01:25:36,651 Ah. Safe and sound. 1606 01:25:38,723 --> 01:25:39,956 Okay. 1607 01:25:41,025 --> 01:25:43,026 You know... 1608 01:25:43,028 --> 01:25:46,597 I think that you are a very attractive man, Sam. 1609 01:25:47,733 --> 01:25:48,999 Thank you. 1610 01:25:51,671 --> 01:25:52,971 You find me attractive? 1611 01:25:54,641 --> 01:25:56,442 I find you very attractive. 1612 01:25:57,011 --> 01:25:58,310 Hmm. 1613 01:25:59,313 --> 01:26:00,546 Good. 1614 01:26:05,555 --> 01:26:07,320 No! God! Oh no! 1615 01:26:08,291 --> 01:26:09,892 Oh... what are you doing? 1616 01:26:10,727 --> 01:26:12,427 Stop toying with each other. 1617 01:26:12,429 --> 01:26:15,564 -I want to make love to you. -You what? 1618 01:26:18,236 --> 01:26:20,570 I'm a very straightforward person. 1619 01:26:22,140 --> 01:26:25,342 I want to make mad passionate love to you. 1620 01:26:26,712 --> 01:26:28,380 I'm about to get married. 1621 01:26:29,483 --> 01:26:31,983 -She won't mind. -How do you know that? 1622 01:26:31,985 --> 01:26:33,419 We won't tell her. 1623 01:26:34,522 --> 01:26:36,055 Come on. 1624 01:26:36,057 --> 01:26:38,191 It'll just be between me and you. 1625 01:26:43,166 --> 01:26:46,234 Oh. Candace, you're a beautiful woman. 1626 01:26:47,570 --> 01:26:48,803 But... 1627 01:26:54,246 --> 01:26:55,612 No. 1628 01:26:55,614 --> 01:26:56,780 No. 1629 01:26:57,349 --> 01:26:58,715 No. 1630 01:26:58,717 --> 01:27:00,016 No? 1631 01:27:00,018 --> 01:27:01,217 No. 1632 01:27:02,588 --> 01:27:04,089 I'm about to get married 1633 01:27:04,091 --> 01:27:08,827 to the most wonderful, beautiful, 1634 01:27:08,829 --> 01:27:11,396 most special girl in the world. 1635 01:27:11,398 --> 01:27:12,765 We're going to have a baby. 1636 01:27:14,102 --> 01:27:16,035 I would never do anything to hurt her. 1637 01:27:17,339 --> 01:27:19,440 What she doesn't know won't hurt her. 1638 01:27:21,444 --> 01:27:22,744 Hmm. 1639 01:27:24,147 --> 01:27:25,480 But I'll know. 1640 01:27:30,188 --> 01:27:31,654 Candace, you're so sweet. 1641 01:27:33,358 --> 01:27:35,392 But you're going to have to find yourself another guy. 1642 01:27:36,829 --> 01:27:38,295 Sam: I'm too in love with Sammie. 1643 01:27:40,300 --> 01:27:41,532 Good night. 1644 01:27:42,235 --> 01:27:43,735 He's God. 1645 01:27:43,737 --> 01:27:46,405 I am marrying God. 1646 01:27:46,407 --> 01:27:48,842 Well I'll be damned. 1647 01:27:48,844 --> 01:27:54,848 This is a first. Porno Pete really is just a watcher. 1648 01:27:54,850 --> 01:27:56,816 My Sam can watch anything he wants, 1649 01:27:56,818 --> 01:27:59,587 just get me home quick. 1650 01:28:05,396 --> 01:28:08,998 I now pronounce you husband and wife. 1651 01:28:09,000 --> 01:28:10,933 You may kiss the bride. 120383

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.