Original subtitles

Joel: Say, another tidbit of trivia.

Hitler, had only one ball.

-(laughing) -Oh it's absolutely true.

-Adolf Hitler... -You're possessed.

-one testicle. -Hitler's balls.

That's probably why he was in such a bad mood all the time.

-(laughing) -Yeah, I guess

the other one got ate-off.

(all talking)

-That's a funny Nazi joke. -Pay attention, you'll laugh.

Hey, you know what? Isaac here has seven testicles.

-No kidding! -Thank you very much.

-Wow. That's great! -One for each day of the week?

Isaac: My underpants are like a sack of red russet potatoes.

-My brother has four nipples. -That's so cute.

Two are sensitive and the others ones

-are just kind of... extra. -You have your genitals, right,

or did you lose them in some horrible dradel accident?

Maybe that's him and his nipples.

How do you lose your nipples in a dradel accident?

-Need help? -I'm fine, thanks.

-Art! You made it. -Oh, I'm late?

No, no, no, no... that's all right.

The copyright thing, it's done.

You want that title? -It's yours.

Sophie: Art. So glad you could make it.

-You look great. -Thank you.

Oh, just a little token of gratitude.

-Oh! Wow! -Oh. My Lord.

Cocktail onions. Honey look.

-Cocktail onions. -Cocktail onions.

-That's so thoughtful of you. -They're great with peas.

I'm going to put this in the kitchen.

Make sure he meets everybody.

What can I get you to drink?

-Uh... wine? -Art: Yeah, sure.

Gang! I'd like you to meet my friend Art.

He's a client of mine. He's a fabulous writer.

He's a good guy.

This is Sam, this is Sam.

-Hi. -Sam.

-Sam and Sam. -Yes.

Which one is Sam and which one is Sam...

Uh... never heard that one.

I'm sure, yes.

I know, it's a little bit too cute,

but what can you do, it happens.

You can call me Sammie.

-Sammie. -Yes.

-Cute. -Hey Art... Isaac.

Isaac! How are you?

-My wife Claudia. -Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I'm the only one who's not married.

Oh... no, no, no, no, we're not married.

-Yet! We're... doing it. -Yet.

Oh, oh, oh, I see...

-Really? -Yeah, we're doing IT.

(everybody laughing)

Well... you are pregnant, aren't you?

Did ah, did I just make ah...

(laughing)

Is this a tumor or goiter or something?

Jeez!

Isaac: There will be no goitering there!

Art: The fact of the matter is that

we all live in a constant state of collective denial.

Sammie: (laughing) Denial of what?

Everything.

I mean, do you really believe when you walk into a restaurant,

that everyone in the kitchen has clean hands?

You have to know that the waiter

just plucked his shorts out of the crack of his ass--

Stop it! Art. That is so gross.

Or the cook is diggin' right in his ear before he--

Sam: It would never happen in our restaurant.

That's it. Now stop!

Thank God for denial,

because then we don't have to think about things like that.

Claudia: You know, I was doing this photoshoot the other day.

And it was two basset hounds getting married.

And everything was so adorable, until the groom tried to

hump this poodle that was the maid of honor.

Sammie: Oh. Uh-oh, did the bride get jealous?

No, actually, I think she was too busy

sniffing the best man's ass to notice.

(laughing)

Joel: All right! That was just lovely!

That is because dogs

do not have the artificial restraints

put on their biological needs that we people do.

What do you mean "artificial restraints"?

Art: It's another one of the denials.

Probably the most rampant one.

The monogamy denial.

The monogamy denial.

That sounds like a great title for your next book.

What! You don't believe in monogamy?

I think that monogamy is not natural.

It's not necessary and I really don't even think it exists.

At least not in practice.

It turns otherwise honorable people into liars.

With the exception of this group of course.

Claudia: Wait a minute. Are you...

are you insinuating that we not monogamous?

I mean, what the hell do you know?

All right, fine you're right.

No one ever cheats.

Sex with your spouse gets better and better and better

with every year of marriage.

And men really are just working late at the office.

-Everyone feel better? -You are a complete simpleton.

Art: My... Defensive. Do I smell hypocrisy?

Oh! Fuck you!

Joel: Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, this is a dinner party,

we're supposed to be having fun.

Let's have some fun, it's a beautiful night.

Sorry.

Joel: Can we just talk about, you know...

-something more light hearted? -Art: Yes, that's a great idea.

Let's skirt all real issues.

-Let's talk about fishing. -Joel: No, I... come on...

...no one skirts any issues.

There's certain things people don't like to talk about.

People cheat. Like it or not, it happens all the time.

Perhaps that's why they don't like to talk about it.

All I know is when you find the woman

that you wanna spend the rest of your life with,

you don't want to cheat. Trust me on that.

Ah, you are so sweet.

I don't know.

Maybe some men do cheat,

but I don't think most men do,

and women certainly don't.

Well, I agree there, women certainly cheat less,

but the male animal is like a sex crazed dog.

When they're not having sex, they want sex,

they think about sex.

They dream about sex.

Sex with lots of women.

It's programmed into them. It's biological.

Blame it on biology. That's perfect excuse.

Men are not different than that Basset Hound

who was screwing the bridesmaid at his own wedding.

-Ugh! That's disgusting. -Claudia: Art,

just because you are obviously a sex crazed

degenerate pig, doesn't mean that all men are the same.

Who is this guy anyway?

Art: Men are men.

You know, this is like the stupidest conversation

I've never been forced to listen to.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest.

Joel: Cigars! Who... who wants a cigar?

Thank you, but we really have to go.

-No, no. -We're gonna call a cab.

Sophie: Sweetie, don't go.

Sammie: Guys, this has been so nice.

Sam: She needs to get some sleep, she's really tired.

Sophie: You guys, it's so early.

Claudia: Oh, it was great, thanks, so much.

Sophie: Well, I'm gonna walk you out.

Sammie: This is delicious.

Joel: Drive safe.

Great dinner, Soph.

(sighs)

Isaac: He's a jerk.

You being upset right now is exactly what he wants.

Sweetie, the longer you stay angry,

the longer he wins.

Yeah, but he just rattles off

these ridiculous platitudes like they were facts.

He has a Napoleon complex.

"All couples cheat". "All men are dogs".

All this. All that. And did you...

did you see that jacket?

Sweetie, the guy's stuck in the 70's.

Um, excuse me... Azar.

Yes, missus.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Okay.

-Are you married? -Oh, yes.

Now be honest.

And you can be perfectly straightforward with me,

because we'll never see each other again.

Have you ever cheated on your wife?

All the time.

-Really? -I can't get enough.

Sam: I personally find it very offensive

that he would lump me into the cesspool of male cynicism.

Sammie: Ugh! Please! The cynicism was all a cover-up.

You know, I bet that he had some kind of

really bad love experience.

-Probably. -No, seriously.

I mean, it just felt like everything he said

stemmed from some kind of...

I don't know, some kind of deep pain.

Sammie: Couldn't you feel that?

I think he was just crying out for help.

I think he's full of shit.

Sam: Deep pain.

I don't know, maybe I am in complete denial

like Art says.

Are all men just slaves to their biology?

Uh come on, don't be ridiculous.

You really don't know the answer to that question?

No. You cheated on your first wife.

(laughing) That, ah... That's completely different.

-How? -I was cheating with you.

-The love of my life. -(giggles)

(moans)

(heavy moan of pleasure)

(moans and laughing)

-Good morning. -Good morning.

Oh God! Can't believe the time.

I've got a photoshoot in less than half an hour.

Uh, uh.

Just blow in off and fuck all day.

-Yeah right. You wish! -Stop! I'm gonna pee.

Claudia: You think I look old, don't you?

Isaac: What are you talking about?

Well, I mean... look at me, I look ninety.

I think you look nineteen.

Oh... You think I should get these lines filled in?

Right here.

You kidding?

Well no, I mean it's very safe now.

They use the fat from your ass.

God knows I've got enough of that build me whole new head.

Fishing for compliments today?

-Huh? Huh? -What?

(makes fishing noise)

-Okay, yeah, maybe, maybe. -Want to go fishing?

(breathing heavily)

I think you look more beautiful now than ever.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm late.

The judge had a panic attack and we had to wait

for his girlfriend to bring his medication.

Mr. Richmond called.

He's hoping you can get another postponement.

-Ha! Ha! -Mrs. Yettie called.

-She wants to drop the suit. -No.

You should call her right away.

She wants to drop the suit. Why?

Because she's feeling guilty.

Guilty? A bus runs over her feet and she feels guilty?

And your brother's waiting for you in the office.

Oh...

Joel: Great.

-Uh... you're late? -Do you mind?

Come on! We gotta make this quick

-I'm backed up today. -Try bran.

That's funny. That's really funny, Reuben. What?

Hurry up. What is it?

You know, Joel, just because I'm your brother,

doesn't mean I'm not a client.

Reuben: Just like everybody else.

No you're not. You're not like everybody else.

Everybody else pays me money.

Joel: What the hell happened this time?

All right. Well, there might be

a tiny assault and battery case that

-may be waged against me. -Again?

This time was different, Joel.

This time it was self defense, I swear to God!

-It was self defense! -Jesus, let's hear it.

Well... I'm on this date, with this really hot chick.

Right. What's her name?

Puddles.

-That's her name, Puddles? -It's cute, isn't it?

She another one of your, uh... your fat girls?

Watch it!

I'm sorry, that was rude. Go on.

So... we're in this ice cream parlor--

Do you actually have sex with these women?

Yes. I do.

Uh, Joel, let me tell you something, okay?

Reuben: Sex with fat women

is one of the great secret treasures

of our sexually repressed society.

To be entirely engulfed, smothered in female flesh,

like a water bed of tissue and love...

Ah! Ugh! Enough. Enough.

Thanks. Just... tell me your little story.

Right, anyhow, this guy is just staring at us with this look.

And I know what he's thinking.

He's thinking we're a couple of freaks

because my date happens to be a tad overweight.

Right. So I say "Hey!

What the fuck are you looking at? Huh?

I suppose you think my date is too fat for you!"

Reuben: Anyway, he stands up.

I punch him as hard as I can. Right in the face.

And that's when the cops come. It's a big mess.

Whatever.

You see... that's not self defense, Reuben.

-That's you being an asshole. -No. That is self defense.

He stood up, I took that as a direct threat.

Alright. I'll uh...

I'll look over the police report.

I'll see what I can do. But in the mean time,

please, keep your hands in your pockets!

-My brother. You are a prince. -Don't.

You are a king among men.

-Joel, I love you, my brother. -Don't! Stop!

Stop! Stop! Stop, with the kissing.

-Jeez! -Joel, I don't want you to think

that I don't appreciate all the work you do for me.

-I'm sure you do. -And um, I can't really afford

-to pay you anything right now. -Oh.

Uh, but I have something else for you.

I got two tickets to the hockey game.

Thursday night, great seats, easily worth fifty bucks.

Ah, that's uh, that's very nice of you.

Thank you very much, Reuben.

I'll give them to you for twenty.

-No, give them to me for free. -Hey!

Yeah Dawn, has Sophie called?

Dawn: No, Mr Gold.

Oh... thanks.

We were, uh, maybe gonna have lunch today.

Guess she forgot.

Oh, my God.

That is the biggest penis

I have ever seen in my entire life.

And just think... that's limp.

Unreal.

Dr. Taft: Take a good long look. The human body.

We've been talking about it now

for the last couple of semesters.

Reading about it.

Lots of pictures.

But today, ladies and gentlemen,

today, we have the real thing.

Congratulations on your first cadavers.

Ugh! They stink!

Ah yes. Well, that will be the formaldehyde.

But don't you worry, it gets a lot worse with time.

(chuckles)

Now look, I know this is a new experience for all of you.

But if you're going to be doctors,

you're going to have to dive in head first.

And get past this rather unpleasant first part.

As I have every confidence you will.

Great scott!

Would you look at the size of that thing!

I know, it's huge.

Uh, um, a ruler.

Some-- somebody get me a ruler. Quickly.

(applause)

Ernie.

In the twenty three years of our marriage,

I have never, never,

(crying) had an orgasm with you.

Wha-- wha-- wha--

Haven't you ever heard...

"Thou shall not lie"? Bitch!

Audience: Oooooo, ohhhhh,

TV Host: It seems to me that you did keep Ernie...

Bonnie: I'm here!

Hey, I'm in the living room!

Bonnie: Come on in, Hank.

I'm wearing my painting smock.

Just ready to work. Hi!

Look who's here, is that Sammie?

Jason. Let's go over here.

Sweetie?

Stay right here, and you guys are going to play here

nice and quiet.

And mommy's going to help Sammie paint, huh?

Here you go. Come on Hank, you help Jason with the puzzle.

Oh sweetie! Oh honey.

Oh Sammie! This place is so cute!

I know it. Isn't it great?

Sammie: Oh! I can't believe we're neighbors.

-Hey! It's Miles. -I'm sorry about that.

Oh I love Miles.

Now we at the Miles Dougal show, appreciate your honesty...

Okay, okay, this woman has just confessed

that she's faked every orgasm for the last twenty three years.

-Miles: Ernie, do you have... -And this is a revelation?

...anything, what so ever, to confess to Pearl?

No.

-Ernie never lies. -Ernie: That's right.

Chicken.

Well, we have a little surprise for you.

It's Doogy Cam time.

Roll it!

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya.

Hold on gang. I... I believe

that this is the church picnic

that Ernie told you he was going on last Wednesday.

Oh.

That isn't me.

Sammie, don't get married.

-Ugh! Please! -I'm serious.

Call it off before it's too late.

Oh! Come on. The people on those shows

aren't for real. I mean it's like

pro-wrestling, it's fixed.

I'm just trying to save you from a really big heartache later on.

I mean, I'm a prime example Sammie. Look at me.

I'm a single mother.

I have to go to work. I have to get a job.

I'm telling you. Men! They're all the same.

Even the best of them. They suck.

Don't be naive Sammie.

Oh... you shouldn't sound so bitter.

You're the one kicked Stanley out.

Yes! Because he cheated on me.

Bitch! You know what he had to do?

He was so riddled with guilt he had to drive

right home and confess everything to me.

-It was awful. -Okay, well,

at least he was honest.

Oh, honest, schmonest. If he'd just

kept his big fat mouth shut I'd still be married today.

And I want you to think about it, Sammie.

Think about if you were in my shoes.

What if you found out that Sam was cheating on you?

What would you do?

Uh, well, to be honest

Sam doesn't have it in him.

Does he have a penis?

Hmmm, uh, yes he does.

-Then he has it in him. -Mommy.

Oh. Well... what honey, what's the matter?

-Jason. -What.

-Oh my God. Oh, oh baby. -Oh, no, no, no.

-Oh, honey. -He's sitting on paint.

I know.

Oh, he thinks it's his potty.

Okay, I'm gonna go get a towel.

Man: ...and she had hair below her ass.

Long black shiny hair.

It smelled like apricots or something.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

She smelled good everywhere, man.

If you know what I mean.

And, and... she was shaved, Sam.

Oh please! I'm cooking here.

Too bad you're getting married, man.

She's got this roommate.

Some kind of model or something.

Sweet, I think you'd like her. Want to meet her?

No. Thank you.

Suit yourself. More for me.

What do you mean, more for you?

I thought you were dating her roommate?

Yay. That's exactly why I'm a shoe in.

You see, unlike guys, chicks have

no loyalty to one another.

They'll fuck each other over, any chance they get.

It's this catty competitive thing they're born with.

There's no easier way

to get laid than to fuck a chick's best friend first.

Who put these ideas in your head?

You guys are disgusting.

What do you mean guys?

Guys plural? What did I say?

I heard what you two guys were talking about and it's sick.

I'm about to get married. I'm madly in love.

So don't lump me in with Carl the conqueror.

Creeps.

She's a bitch.

But she's got a nice ass.

Oh, Carl, Carl, man. Get a hold of yourself.

Here we go.

Thank you.

Can I get you gentlemen anything else?

Ah... No. Thank you very much.

-Thanks. -Okay.

Whoa! Would you look at the tush on her.

-Joel: Very nice. -Rueben: No, no, not hers. Hers.

Oh Jesus!

Would you just... don't do that to me.

-Yummy. -Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I can't believe I'm going to do this,

-but can I ask you a question? -Yes, what?

Do you think it's possible to remain faithful

to one woman for the rest of your life?

I-- I mean, do you believe in monogamy

or it just something that we do because women expect it?

Oh my God, you're having an affair.

Would you shut up. I am not having an affair.

The last time you asked me that question

you were cheating on Harriet with Sophie.

-You're having an affair! -Shhh.

I am not cheating, okay.

I am thinking about things.

We were discussing this issue at a dinner party.

What country?

Our country. What do you mean what country?

What-- What does it matter what country?

Views on monogamy, they differ from country to country.

Take Utah for example.

Those Mormons have seven, eight, ten wives at a time.

Reuben, Utah is not a country.

Utah is a state.

All right fine. Japan.

Okay? A good traditional Japanese wife

encourages her husband to have an affair.

They live for their husbands' happiness. Okay.

It's uh, it's good for their society.

That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard.

-What? -You're saying that--

that all Japanese wives act as pimps for their husbands?

I mean come on. Don't be a schmuck, I'm serious.

Alright. Yes.

I believe monogamy is an essential component

to a successful marriage in our culture.

-Okay? -Thank you.

Which if precisely why I will never get married.

Because no, I do not believe it is natural.

See that's where I'm having a problem.

If men love sex, and men love their wives,

and men love having sex with their wives,

well, why are we so drawn to other women?

-I'll tell you why. -Uh, oh.

I love eating. Alright?

I love lamb chops.

I love eating lamp chops.

But if I had to eat lamb chops,

and only lamb chops for the rest of my life,

who's to say what might happen if

a cute taco or a sultry meatball sub

were to saunter by. You know what I'm sayin'?

How did I get a retarded brother?

Listen Joel.

What we say, I hope you realize,

remains between you and me only.

Yes.

I know you love Sophie.

But if you're really thinking you need a little...

...variety, Puddles has a twin sister to die for.

-Is that a no? -That would be no.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

-I didn't mean to startle you. -Thank God.

That's ok. Can I help you with something?

Yes. I have my sixth anniversary coming up

and I want to get my wife something really cool.

She's a photographer,

so I was wondering if you had any antique

photographic equipment or

something a photographer might like?

Yeah. As a matter of fact

we do have some pretty neat old cameras.

-Something like that? -Sure. Yeah.

-That'll be good. -In another room. Follow me.

Man. This one's fantastic.

-Oh yeah. -This is cool.

Dates back to around the turn of the century.

-Wow. -It's pretty expensive.

-For my wife, anything. -She's a lucky girl.

-So, you married? -Ha! No.

Serious boyfriend?

I wish.

A pretty girl like you alone?

Not for long. I wonder if this thing still works?

Oh. I don't know actually.

I'm sure if it does my wife will figure it out.

You know, I'm a happily married man.

But if I wasn't, I'd take you out in a second.

-Really? -If, if you wanted to.

-Then I would take you out. -Really?

Thanks.

If I wasn't married, I'm speaking

totally hypothetically, and I asked you out.

Would you go?

Yeah, sure. If you weren't married.

Ah yes. That's right. Of course, of course.

So, you work here full time, or...

No. Part time. I go to UCLA. (laughs)

Drama student.

Ah, so you want to be an actress, huh?

-I know. It sounds pathetic. -No it doesn't.

All my favorite movies are filled with actresses.

(laughs)

I...

I, uh... I gotta go.

Um... forget about the camera. Thanks.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait. What happened?

I'm-- I'm sorry. This is gonna sound terrible. Um...

If-- if I tell you something, you promise

not to think I'm a complete neanderthal?

Tell me what?

I've been happily married for six years.

Blissfully so.

And in all that time I've never

so much as even looked at another woman.

Why, I think that's beautiful.

Yeah.

Until I just saw you laugh.

Mr. Gold, did you want to dictate

the changes to the Fogelman brief now?

You know, Dawn, I'm, I'm feeling a little nauseous.

I-- I know I shouldn't have eaten that dessert.

Aw. You want some Pepto Bismol?

-No. -Tums?

No. No. Thanks. I...

I think I'll just go home a little early today. I'll...

I'll take care of that brief in the morning.

(heavy breathing)

-Feel good? -Mm-hm.

Haven't seen you in long time.

Mmm... yeah, you know how it is.

Tough day? I feel much tension.

You want special massage again today?

Yes, please.

What kind of special massage?

Well, you know...

like the kind... last time.

You know, with... with the oil.

-Hand job? -Yeah, that's the one.

Well, I guess I won't be needing that any more.

Okay.

Oh...

Feel good. Yes?

Yes, very good.

Joel: (thinking) This isn't cheating.

This isn't cheating.

What am I doing here?

I'm cheating on my wife.

No, no, this can't be cheating.

Cheating is sleeping with another woman.

I'm getting a massage.

Nothing wrong with getting a massage.

Men have urges.

God, give women a penis for 24 hours and--

and then they'll know.

Christ! What am I saying?

I'm rationalizing the solicitation of prostitution.

This is illegal. They raid places like this.

Oh, that would be just great.

Hi honey, this is Joel, I'm calling from jail.

Could you please pick me up?

Yeah, a little Korean lady was jerking me off, that's all.

That's it. I'm never coming in here again.

(moaning)

(screaming)

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

How did your day go? Anything exciting?

No. Nah, I just-- I just worked.

These allegations are false.

Well, you heard it here first.

Supermodel Barcelona and her boyfriend

of only three months,

furrier tycoon, Shlomo Ginklestein,

tied the knot yesterday at a private ceremony

in his chalet in the Alps.

Here's the happy couple feasting on wedding cake.

Immediately after the ceremony they hopped in

Shlomo's private SST to an undisclosed location

for a romantic honeymoon. Congratulations you two.

Men fuck looks. Women fuck power.

Now, if that were reversed,

and it was a 19 year old cute guy

marring an 80 year old grandmother,

people would just be throwing up.

Why?

Because that would be disgusting?

Well, what's the difference?

Honey, a young woman doesn't care

what a guy looks like if he's rich.

However, you take a young guy...

all right, I don't care if she's a billionaire.

How's he gonna get it up if the woman

he's with looks like a shrunken apple head doll?

Well that doesn't seem fair.

Fair has nothing to do with it. It's nature.

Men are just genetically able to look better longer.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Are you saying

that men age better than women?

It's a fact.

Well it certainly is not a fact.

It's just that in our male dominated,

chauvinistic culture, when a woman hits forty

she's thrown out to pasture, by the men.

Look, honey, you're making way too much out of this. Okay?

Men just have thicker skin layers.

Less wrinkles with age.

Oh! Women have more wrinkles

because they carry the weight of a lifetime

of oppression on their shoulders.

I can't believe what I'm hearing!

I cannot believe what I'm hearing from you...

-...Joel! -How big is it!

I can't believe you're jealous of a dead... bum!

Oh, I'm not jealous! I'm just curious. That's all!

All I said was that my cadaver has a big penis.

No, no, no, no!

You said "My cadaver has

the biggest penis I've ever seen".

-So? -So... you admit it.

It is the biggest penis you've ever seen.

God! You never tell me I have a big penis.

Oh come on Joel!

Your penis is fine and you know it!

Fine?

Fine is a far cry from

"The biggest penis I've ever seen."

And you know what, you said it with such a...

a look... in your eyes. Such, such awe.

Such hunger. (stuttering) I mean, no wonder you

forgot lunch. You were delirious.

This complex of yours, it has to stop, Joel.

Now I have never,

ever said anything derogatory about your penis.

That's right.

It's not what you have said.

It's what you have not said.

I mean, don't you think just once...

I might like to hear, "Hey, Joel,

you have a big penis."

Hey, Joel.

You have a really big penis.

You didn't mean that.

Sweetie.

Joel.

I... love... your... penis.

It is the...perfect size for me. You know it is.

I wouldn't want it to be one hair bigger.

-Really? -Really.

You know, I-- I get insecure sometimes.

You don't have to. Not with me.

Can I ask you one question?

What?

How big is it?

-Thirteen inches. -Oh, fuck!

-Hi. -Hello.

-Sammie: Oh my God! -Oh my! What's the matter?

What is it?

Oh God, that was the biggest kick yet.

-Did you feel it? -No.

Oh God. Honey, honey, feel it, feel it.

-Where is it? -Oh. Right here.

Oh! There he goes.

Oh look. He's just kicking away.

What about me?

I'm sorry, I just don't think it's a good idea right now.

(mouths) In front of the baby.

(laughs) He's not even born yet.

Okay. The doctor told us that we could have sex

right up until delivery.

You're not going anywhere near the baby.

Now come on...

Not now. When he's asleep.

I love you though.

I love you too.

-You okay? -Mm-hm.

Sophie?

Sophie, you hear something?

Sophie, Sophie, wake up! Wake up!

Joel. Joel.

Who... who are you?

I am the ghost of Christmas past.

The ghost...

the ghost of Christmas past? But I'm Jewish.

Sorry. Wrong house.

(evil laughter)

Sophie. Sophie.

Sophie, you just missed a ghost.

Hand job?

-(screaming) -No!

(gasps)

-You okay? -Yeah.

Yeah. I just had a nightmare. That's all.

Sammie?

Sammie, are you asleep?

(both grunting)

(crowd cheering)

(buzzer)

Man: Popcorn! Popcorn!

Man 2: Popcorn.

Thanks.

Popcorn! Popcorn!

These are the worst seats I've ever had, Joel.

So sorry. My brother swore to me that these were great seats.

-He specifically said "great". -It's alright.

That's Art.

-Where? -Right there, that's Art.

-Where? -Art!

Joel: Hey! Art!

Art!

-Art! -Art!

Both: Art!

Art!

-(whooping) -Art!

-Yo! -(whooping)

Can you believe that woman he's with?

-Sexy. -Man! He uh,

he sure stirred things up at the dinner party the other night.

Isaac: Yeah I kinda agreed with a lot of what he was saying.

-Yeah me too. -But, with Claudia there.

-Hey! And Sophie. -I couldn't.

-No. -Yeah.

I mean. It's true, I think men have the ability

to separate sex and love a lot more easily than women do.

-I agree with you. -You know,

because of that I think we're more apt to maybe stray.

-I agree with you again. -Yeah. You know, Joel,

I'll tell you what it comes down to.

It comes down to the genitals.

-It does? -A penis is an external thing.

-Yes. -Right? Like an arm or a nose.

Yeah, it's just sticking out there.

Right. You can stick it in a woman.

You can stick it in a donut.

You can stick it in a-- a pumpkin.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.

It is not an emotional experience. It's physical.

The vagina... forget about it.

It's a completely different thing.

You know. It's... it's internal. It's a negative space.

It's an opening into the body. It's very sacred.

So, obviously it's going to be

a much more emotional experience for a woman,

you know, she's being invaded.

Like Poland.

She's obviously going to want it to be

with somebody she feels closer to.

You know. Somebody she trusts.

What are you? An expert on female anatomy?

Excuse me?

Oh, you're a gynecologist right?

I mean you know so much about the vagina.

You must be a... gynecologist.

I think he was just trying to make a point.

Well it's probably one of the most ignorant,

over generalized points I've ever heard.

Excuse me, you know what?

Isaac: Actually I... am a gynecologist. Okay?

And as far as I can tell

I wasn't actually speaking to you.

Well, Doctor.

Just because a women has a vagina

doesn't mean that she can't appreciate

a mindless fuck with some dumb stud.

I mean, you men think that you're

the only ones that can fuck and forget it?

Jesus Christ, this is fucking typical.

Do you think you could say the word

"fuck" just one more time?

I don't think that child over there

heard you the last time.

You know what, you know what?

Enjoy yourself. Have a good time, okay.

Fuck your brains out.

I'm sure it'll suit you just fine.

You hear that Vicki?

It's a typical threatened male response,

when woman meets man on his own turf.

-Mm-hm. -Excuse me.

Typical male response? I'm not threatened by you. Okay?

All men are threatened by a sexually independent woman.

I hate to burst your bubble.

But every woman you've ever fucked

isn't sitting at home, staring at the phone,

weeping "Why isn't he calling me?

Why?"

(sobbing) Why isn't he calling me?

Why?

Look, let's not get our panties in a bunch here. Okay?

Why don't we just take a deep breath,

and calm down. We're at a hockey game.

We're supposed to have a good time.

Let's not get carried away. Don't you agree good doctor?

I do, I agree.

You know what? I...

I'd like to apologize for being so rude to you ladies.

Really.

And just to show there's no hard feelings

I'll give you both a free pap smear. Okay?

Pigs.

(buzzer)

There you go. Thank you.

-Oh. Sorry. -So, Sophie?

-Hi, Dr. Taft. -Hello.

-How are you? -I'm fine. I'm good.

What are you doing around here?

Oh, I'm just buying a couple magazines on my way home.

What are you doing here?

Well I live just-- just around the corner.

Really?

As a matter of fact I was just going to grab a cup of coffee.

Would you care to join me?

I would. Thank you.

So, what made you decide to become a doctor at 30?

Oh, well, I always wanted to be a doctor.

But I just didn't think I was smart enough.

Ohh... psss.

It was my husband actually who encouraged me.

Sounds like a great guy.

So tell me, are you married?

Me? Oh, no.

I've been living with someone for the last seven years.

It's, uh, close enough to being married.

Yeah, but... you don't get the tax breaks.

Now that's true.

Do you like art?

You know Art?

It's my other passion besides medicine.

Oh.

You know, we should really go to a museum together

one of these days.

Now there's plenty of splendid museums

no one ever goes to in this town.

I think it would be fun.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sounds great.

Good.

(heavy breathing)

(moans)

You know, I've been married for six years.

Blissfully so.

And in all that time,

I have never so much as even looked at another woman,

until I looked into your eyes.

-(laughs) -What?

-What? -Cut the shit, Romeo.

(moaning)

-(bed creaking) -(heavy breathing)

(breathing gets faster)

More iced tea?

No. Thank you.

(loud moaning)

I'm sorry.

You don't have to keep apologizing.

I think it's wonderful that you don't want to

cheat on your wife.

Funny thing is I...

I do want to, but I can't.

I mean it's not you.

I mean, I came here with every intention of...

you know.

I know.

-You're extremely sexy. -Thank you.

I would like nothing more than to just...

you know... have... sex with you. But I can't.

I just-- I would feel too guilty.

I can't do that to my wife.

I think that is so refreshing. And rare.

I hope she appreciates what a wonderful husband she has.

Thank you.

(moaning gets louder)

How about a hand job?

And the two girls were doing each other.

It was incredible, Sam.

Have you ever been with two girls at the same time?

-No. -(laughs) You gotta do it man.

You gotta do it before you get married.

They're both on their hands and knees. Right?

And I'm-- I'm pumping one from behind.

And then I turn around

I'm pumping the other from behind.

And then I'm back and forth and back and forth...

Alright! Alright! I get the picture.

It just doesn't sound very sanitary.

Ah, what are you, dead?

No, I just happen to be madly in love with Sammie

and I don't need group encounters

with a bunch of bimbos.

Hey, hey, hey! I love them.

That's it. I'm taking my break.

-Louey. Take over. -Where you goin'?

-Oh yes. -Oh, oh yeah.

Make the captain happy.

The captain likes that.

-Ooh yeah. -Woman: Ooh, Captain!

You have such a big vessel.

Up periscope.

-(giggling) -(moaning)

Sam?

Sam. Is that you out there?

Yeah, it is you.

Girls, remember Sam? Sam's back.

Women: Hi, Sam.

Hi. Ah, how ya doin'?

You really have to ask?

I thought you weren't going to come back in here any more.

I couldn't help it.

You know I keep telling myself

that I am never coming in here again.

That I'm going to throw away all my magazines.

But I... I can't stick to it.

Woman: Hey, don't worry about it.

Watching blue movies is the safest sex there is, right?

I know what I wanted to ask you. Are you married yet?

Next month.

Captain: Well, congratulations.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much.

Yeah, I'm like the luckiest guy in the whole wide world.

I mean, I can't believe it.

After all these years.

I am just so... in love.

Hey. wait a second. If you're so in love

what the hell are you doing in here?

Alright.

This is why I'm torn. I know I'm not cheating.

But I still feel like a degenerate

and a pervert when I'm in here.

-Hey. -I'm sorry.

Therefore, I can't tell Sammie. Because I'm embarrassed.

But then that makes me a secret keeper.

And then I feel guilty and then I...

You see where I'm goin'... with this?

-Captain: Sam. -Yeah?

Take a tip from the captain.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You love your wife.

-You remain faithful. -Yeah.

That's all that matters.

Just think of us as... research.

Hey, can we cut the little morality play please?

Some of us are trying to jerk off.

Captain: Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.

-Woman: We're sorry. -Sorry.

Yeah, go ahead, continue.

-We're sorry, go ahead. -Bad Captain! Bad Captain!

-Bad. -Bad.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Woman: Bad. Bad. Bad.

-So bad! -Captain: That's my derriere.

Easy. Easy, easy.

Isaac.

I didn't have time to go to the store.

I guess we can just order in Chinese.

Oh my...

Sophie: That is the most romantic thing

-I have ever heard. -Yeah.

And, to top it all off, he bought me

this wonderful antique camera from

like the turn of the century, or something.

It must have cost him a fortune.

What an anniversary. So what did you get him?

Oh, you're not going to believe this,

but with my job being so hectic I forgot.

-You didn't. -I know, it's terrible.

But he was so sweet about it.

He said that his gift was my happiness that night.

-Aw. -Yeah.

Of, of course had the tables been turned

and he forgot I would have

been a raving hell bitch on wheels.

(children wailing)

Here, grab that corner.

Why don't you just hire someone to do all this stuff?

Doesn't Sam make enough money?

Oh, stop it.

Will you two please... shut up!

-God it never stops! -Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Do you guys want to watch some TV?

God. Are you okay?

Right here sweetie.

-I'll sit down with you baby. -We're going to watch some TV.

Oh honey, can you sit right here.

It'll be okay honey.

She's going to put on something good for you to watch.

Right Sammie? Find something please, anything.

Hey. Eyeballs the Robot Goes West.

Oh! We love Eyeballs.

Who loves Eyeballs? We love Eyeballs.

Put Eyeballs in.

Okay. Cool. Here we go. Look!

Oh! You're going to love Eyeballs,

it's a very good one.

And we're going to go for ice cream later.

You guys want anything else?

His pickle is bigger than mine.

Story of your life, eh pal?

Got a regular "Don Rickles" here.

Joel.

Take a little advice from me this time, okay?

Do not, under any circumstances, tell Sophie.

All right? Do not tell Sophie.

Reuben, I-- I am a cheater.

I've got this-- this black cloud hanging over my head.

See. That's just it.

You're going to be telling her to make yourself feel better.

Believe me, she doesn't want to know.

Besides, it's not really cheating.

It's not cheating? Wha... what is it?

Did you fuck her?

No, she... she gave me a hand job.

-That's it? -"That's it?"?

A hand job

from some bimbo after a hockey game

is not cheating.

Okay?

I thought at least you got a blow job or something.

If it's nothing, why do I feel so nauseous?

It's Jewish guilt. Mom instilled it in us both.

You've gotta fight it, Joel. Fight it!

Right. Fight it.

Besides you told me about the massage parlor.

-What's the difference? -The difference?

The difference is I didn't pick somebody up

and take them back to their apartment. I just--

Got your crank yanked! Big whoop!

Put it in its proper perspective.

Okay? Think about it. If Sophie had some...

nothing thing, that happened on the side.

Some meaningless whatever, that was never going to happen again.

Would you really want to know?

Yes.

Yes I would want to know. But, come on.

That-- that would never happen.

Sophie: It was a breezy night

and there was a chemistry, you know?

I really, I didn't encourage it, it was just there.

And I hadn't felt that feeling in a really long time.

And... electricity between us, you know.

It actually made me kind of nervous.

He walked me to my car.

And...

No way!

I feel real guilty about that.

Oh! Pshaw!

You didn't do anything.

It's not what I did. It's what I felt.

I actually think I have a little crush on this guy.

He invited me to a museum next week.

I'm not going.

The boys have been so good.

Not a peep out of them.

Yeah. It's almost a little too quiet.

Hey! Hank! How you guys doing in there?

Hank?

Oh.

-Oh my God.

What's going on? Why are you so quiet?

Woman: Keep pumping Colonel, we're going to lose the ship.

Man: I'm pumping as fast as I can, Captain!

-Oh my God! -Oh! Oh, no!

-Sammie: Oh my God! -Bonnie: Okay! Okay! Okay!

I know boys! Please don't watch it!

Don't look, I don't want you to! Please don't look!

Oh, don't look babies! It's okay! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Yes hon, it's going to be, it's okay.

I know! I know! God!

(children crying)

Bonnie: Oh my God. Eyeballs the Robot my ass!

God, Bonnie, I am so sorry. You saw the box.

I had no idea it was in there.

Fuck Rogers in the 69th Century? Sammie!

God! I swear to God I have no idea how that happened.

Chicken!

-Oh honey no... -Oh, God.

Jason, come on honey.

Come on honey. Go play with Hanky.

You guys go-- go play puzzle. Mommy will be right there.

-Oh God. -Play with something nice.

Okay! Okay! Okay! It's alright.

They must have put the wrong tape

in the wrong box at the store.

It's a mistake. It happens.

Oh. You... You can't be that naive. Can you?

What?

Oh? You don't really think I did this?

Of course not!

Who's tape is this?

It's Sam's. But that doesn't--

But nothing! I rest my case!

Why would Sam hide a porno tape in the house?

Oh! What do you need? A sex education class?

Figure it out?

Oh, my God.

-Oh no, oh no. -Oh Sammie. I'm sorry, I...

-I must not satisfy him fully. -Oh!

No! I mean, I... am I not sexy, anymore?

I mean, is this because I'm pregnant?

Oh, Sammie.

Don't-- don't do that to yourself.

Please. You are a beautiful woman.

This is not your fault.

No. It's just that we,

we haven't made love as much lately, I just...

maybe he just finds me repulsive.

You know, no maybe he feels like he,

he just has to marry me, because I'm pregnant,

and-- and really doesn't find me desirable at all any more.

I don't know.

I just know that we have never had secrets before.

-Never. -Oh, Sammie.

I have to say it. I told you so. I told you this.

Men are men. Get your head out of the sand.

Sam is the same as every

other two-legged testosterone factory.

They're all cheats. All of them.

Is watching a porno movie cheating?

It's just one notch away.

Stanley watched porno movies.

There you go, Merle. Thank you.

I just loved your last book. Dead Turtles.

Oh, you were the one who bought that.

Well, thank you very much.

Can you sign it to Bambi?

Because I'm your biggest fan.

Well, I'll be.

If it isn't Miss Congeniality.

Despair is in D'Trunk.

Now that sounds cheery.

Standard novel fair.

Boy meets girl. Boy kills girl.

Boy stuffs girl in trunk and drives cross country.

The usual.

Ugh! So, how many did you sign today?

-Including the last two? -Uh huh.

-Two. -Aw.

Well. Just to prove to you that I'm not

the total bitch you think I am, I'm going to buy this one.

I never thought you were a total bitch.

I admire someone who's committed to a point of view.

I said I'd buy it. I didn't say I'd read it.

Bitch.

To Claudia.

The subject of my next book.

I'm flattered.

Ah.

You know, it is possible...

...highly unlikely, but possible,

that I might have been,

in the most minute and unintentional way,

a hair obnoxious at that party myself.

Get out of here. You?

Could be.

-Oh! Can I show you something? -Sure.

-Here it is. -My God. What is it?

I'll have you know you're not the only one

who's been published.

No. This is a compilation of award winning photographs.

Feast your eyes on page 188.

Ooh, I'm very impressed.

"Photographed by Claudia VonHoist".

This is very good.

-I love it. -Ooh.

Who's the guy?

Oh, this is the oldest lighthouse keeper on Cape Cod,

and these are two of his otters.

Well I guess, now I'll have to buy your book.

Uh huh.

"To Art,

How can so much jerk

fit into such a small package?

Claudia."

Touch�.

Alright.

-(clears throat) Guys... -Huh?

Alright. I'll call you okay?

Bye sweetie. Bye bye, baby.

Ah man, what a woman.

You are lucky you only got a fine.

Now listen to me. If I didn't go to

law school with that prosecutor,

you would have gotten in a lot more trouble,

do you understand? Do you understand?

-So stop being such a hot head! -Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

-I mean it, thank you. -Alright.

-You are my hero. -Alright.

-My brother, thank you. -Alright I'll see you

at mom's birthday party.

Okay, okay, I mean it man.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -You are my Willie Mays.

-You are my Neil Armstrong. -Enough. Enough.

-Go home you little shit. -We won! (whooping)

Stay out of trouble.

(gasps)

(cheering and applause)

Miles: Hey everybody. We're back.

We're talking with Sammie.

Now Sammie has recently discovered

that her fiance has been secretly watching

porno movies.

(audience booing)

Now, it's obvious to me that Sammie's

not ready to face this yet.

Now Sammie, in your opinion,

knowing Sam as well as you do,

is Sam's obsession with porn,

Sam's sick, perverse, twisted,

disturbed preoccupation with images of sweaty strangers,

thrusting, secreting and fornicating,

is this vile addiction

an indicator that Sam,

your fiance, might be cheating?

Well, I've... I have given this a lot of thought, Miles.

And no! No! Absolutely not!

(audience shouting)

No. None of you know Sam like I do.

He's just-- He's different than that.

Pipe down gang.

Sammie, we have a little surprise for you.

It's Doogy Cam time.

What?

Direct, from the motel across the street

from your dry cleaner.

It's show time.

(laughing)

-Sammie! -(screams)

I can explain.

It's not what it looks like, Sammie.

-Sammie: Turn it off! -Sammie.

Turn it off!

(evil laughter)

(gasps)

(moaning)

Dr. Taft: You thinking what I'm thinking?

Sophie: That we can never do this again.

I think the best thing is if we just

put this whole thing behind us.

Right we, we move forward. We are adults.

Right... right... right.

Oh Gosh, this is just something we could have never predicted.

It's just-- it just-- it just happened.

Exactly, exactly, I mean,

we're both coming at it from exactly the same place.

I mean, we both have a great deal to lose.

Oh God, I love her.

I love him so much.

See you in class.

Yeah.

I can't believe it. I just-- I can't believe it.

Man: It's the classic "man with a double life" scenario.

Jekyll and Hyde. I see them everyday.

One way at home with the wife and kids,

another way when out perusing the gay bar scene.

He's gay?

No. I was just saying as an example.

Your fiance is what I like to call a "Porno Pete".

A little nickname we give to the guys

who "like to watch TV", if you know what I mean.

Is he... cheating on me with anyone?

Probably.

If he's got a couple of honeys stashed,

he's keeping them well hidden.

We could be following him around for months.

Now I suggest we speed things up

and go with plan B.

Operation Bait.

Operation Bait?

Works every time.

Man: Come in.

I think not.

(laughs)

Thank you.

Okay, I'm just staying for cheese cake

and then really I gotta go.

-One more time. -Oh. Three is more than enough.

Don't you ever get tired?

When you have sex as infrequently as I do,

you have to stock up.

That's not what I've heard about you.

No. Really, I, I gotta go home

because Isaac will be expecting me.

Why do I get the feeling this is

not the first time that you have done

this sort of thing?

-It's not. -Ah ha.

What would Isaac think?

Well, Isaac and I have... an agreement.

-Really? -Mm-hm.

-What kind of agreement? -Oh, I don't ask questions.

He doesn't ask questions.

And then we just love each other madly

when we're together. It's perfect.

Wait a second, wait a second.

If memory serves me

you were my arch enemy at that dinner.

If your views are so liberal I could have used a little help.

Well, my relationship with Isaac

is not dinner party conversation.

Besides, your arrogance really pissed me off.

(chuckles)

So, if you guys sleep with other people,

doesn't that undermine

the whole concept of a committed relationship?

Are you, Mr. Free Love Art,

saying that we should be monogamous?

Isn't that the whole point of marriage in the first place?

The holy bond. The scared trust.

All that stuff.

Wait a minute, are you the same Art from the party?

The, the one who said

"monogamy is denial", "all couples cheat".

I mean what... what was all that about?

Research for my new book.

You really are an asshole.

Yes.

But... a very cute asshole.

Man: Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to thank you for

your continued support of this fine museum.

You angels, you patrons and you contributors,

we owe you a tremendous debt of gratitude and thanks.

This year's dinner I think was the most delicious yet.

Indeed, please join me

in thanking our caterers this evening.

The Bellissimo Belle Cafe,

chef Samuel Gordon and his entire fine staff.

-Thank you. -(applause)

Thank you.

Now then...

When this great institution

first opened its doors in 1927...

Have you had a chance to try one of Sam's eclairs yet?

They are fucking delicious.

-(gasps) -You should try one.

What is that?

This is a hazelnut tort with caramelized icing.

They all look so divine.

I don't know what to choose.

Well, why don't you try...

would you like to try a piece of this?

And maybe some... some other stuff?

-Little bit of everything. -You're the chef, aren't you?

Yes I am.

My God. You are a genius.

-Hi, I'm Candace. -Sam.

I do P.R. for the museum.

Nice to meet you.

-Oh, your fork. -Thank you.

Do they ever call you Candy?

Sometimes.

It's ironic that I should meet somebody

named Candy at a desert table.

You're funny.

I love a man with a sense of humor.

It's rare.

Well, that's... that's quite a pin you're wearing.

Candace: I love spiders.

I think they're mysterious and sexy.

Well... "Step into my parlor said the spider to the fly".

Oh my God.

He's flirting with her.

Candace: You're so clever.

You're so funny.

And very clever, ho, ho.

I can't believe he's buying that shit.

Sammie, this may get very difficult to watch.

My operative is prepared to go all the way.

I'm staying.

Candace: The lobster ravioli...

...I think I could bathe in that stuff.

Sam: Thank you very much. I'm glad you liked it.

Would you like a bite of your own cake?

Well I usually don't... Oh, okay...

He hates cake.

Sam: Thank you.

(screaming)

Don't tell her Joel. I mean it! Don't tell her!

Rueben: Break it up! Come on! Break it up, break it up!

I mean it Joel! I know what you're thinking.

-You'll be sorry! -Shut up!

Did you say something?

No, why?

Sweetie, you look a little pale.

Do you feel okay?

Sophie, I have to tell you something.

I just can't believe no one's thought of the idea.

Carl? I'll see you back at headquarters.

Well, I should get going too.

Oh no. So soon?

Mmm... it's been great talking to you.

I guess I'll call a cab.

Well, you know, I've got my car.

I could give you a ride.

That would be great.

Okay.

Walt! Walt! Wake up.

Wake up, they're leaving.

-Oh, shit. -They're leaving. Go.

-The subject's mobile. -Quick.

Then I have to go to work, which is... work.

And then... work. You know.

Sam: Here you go, watch your head. Yeah.

-Candace: Thank you. -Sam: Okay.

Come on baby.

Candace: Coogan.

Are you sure you don't mind, I feel really...

Sam: No, that's all right.

Sam: Where do you live again?

Wilshire? Wilshire and what?

Candace: Coogan.

It's two blocks easts of Fairfax.

Sam: What's your favorite dessert?

-Candace: Tapioca. -Sam: Tapioca?

Sammie: You know you think-- you think you know someone.

Yeah, you think you really know someone.

And then suddenly, he's driving

to some strange woman's house in the middle of the night.

Can you ever really know someone?

I mean really know them?

Sam knows everything there is to know about me.

-Walt: Everything? -Everything.

Come on. Old romances.

Past lovers. Secret crushes.

Private fantasies while you're having sex.

Everybody's got things going on their head

that no one else knows about.

Everyone.

Well, I guess-- I guess

there was the time that I kissed this...

I kissed this waiter, Carl, at his restaurant.

But it was a Christmas party. You know.

There-- there was mistletoe and...

there was tongue involved however.

-See. -Well, I'm not proud of it.

In the movies everything's always

spelled out in black and white.

Real life is more complex than that.

And love is the most complex issue of all.

I bet you'll never guess who I saw today.

-Who? -Art.

Art: People are imperfect.

I'm neither condoning nor condemning.

Isaac: God, the guy was so nervous.

...any particular style of commitment

over another in my book.

I went over to him just to say hi, and he...

-He got all fidgety and... -Art: wanted to explore couples.

...pale and sweaty.

The guy couldn't even make eye contact with me.

He couldn't get away from me fast enough.

He almost got hit by a bus starting across the street.

Art: I've talked to a lot of people and...

Isaac: I think there's something seriously wrong with that guy.

Art: ...and, ah, I've lived a bit of a life myself.

And if there is one thing that I have learned...

...it's that I have absolutely no idea

what I'm talking about.

(audience applauds)

Miles: The book is called The Monogamy Denial.

What?

Did... did you fuck him?

I thought we had an agreement.

"No questions."

Yeah we did.

-Oh. -Yes we do.

-Hey. -You're right.

-Come here. -Hey!

Come here!

Sophie: How many times, Joel?

How many times?

-I don't. I don't know. -How many times?

-Joel: I said I don't know! -Sophie: How many times?

Joel: I really don't... three or four.

-Three or four? -Honey, I never touched them.

(laughs) Well they sure as

-shit touched you, didn't they? -Would you rather

I not tell you? You're the one that told me

-to be honest with you. -I cannot believe this.

-I cannot believe this. -Baby! Baby!

It didn't mean anything. It meant zero.

Well if it meant nothing, Joel,

then what the hell do you feel so guilty about?

Because... I love you.

Oh... and that makes it all okay.

This changes everything, Joel.

I know.

I'm really sorry.

(sobs)

Art was right.

You men are all alike.

You think with your dicks and that is it!

I thought you were better than that, Joel.

Yeah. I thought so too.

Look.

Look. I-- I'll just...

I'll get a hotel for tonight.

(sniffs) No, wait.

Do you understand why I am so upset with you right now?

Yeah...

...of course I understand.

I have something to tell you.

What?

Because it was me who said "be honest"

and I meant it when I said it.

So...

Yeah?

Thank you... for being honest with me.

I know that was really hard for you.

-I'm really hurt right now. -I know.

This is going to be really hard for me.

Just tell me what I can do.

Just show me you love me.

I love you.

Joel: I love you so much.

Sam: This has been fun.

Now seriously, you have to come into the restaurant.

You know, there's been a few robberies in this building.

Do you think it would be too much for me to ask

if you could walk to my door?

If he goes...

-Oh no, no, no problem. -Candace: You've been so nice.

-Gave me a ride. -Oh my pleasure.

Asshole!

Okay.

Ah. Here we go.

Ah. Safe and sound.

Okay.

You know...

I think that you are a very attractive man, Sam.

Thank you.

You find me attractive?

I find you very attractive.

Hmm.

Good.

No! God! Oh no!

Oh... what are you doing?

Stop toying with each other.

-I want to make love to you. -You what?

I'm a very straightforward person.

I want to make mad passionate love to you.

I'm about to get married.

-She won't mind. -How do you know that?

We won't tell her.

Come on.

It'll just be between me and you.

Oh. Candace, you're a beautiful woman.

But...

No.

No.

No.

No?

No.

I'm about to get married

to the most wonderful, beautiful,

most special girl in the world.

We're going to have a baby.

I would never do anything to hurt her.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Hmm.

But I'll know.

Candace, you're so sweet.

But you're going to have to find yourself another guy.

Sam: I'm too in love with Sammie.

Good night.

He's God.

I am marrying God.

Well I'll be damned.

This is a first. Porno Pete really is just a watcher.

My Sam can watch anything he wants,

just get me home quick.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.