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down

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underneath the arches

i dream my dreams

one of my suspenders is perry

well use an elastic band well make my

feet turn blue

but if it's a straight choice george i

prefer blue feet to floppy socks

now come along put those legs away

what's the matter getting you going

aren't they

i've seen better legs than an oil rig

now come on let me knock your tie

properly i always pull it too tight yes

well i do get carried away sometimes

now look i want you to look your best

george because it's a very select

neighborhood yeah all bbc two and

musical toilet rolls

i don't want to gather mildred look ah

hey it's gary i want to view a house

today now if you don't come with me how

will i know what you think of it i won't

like it who cares why you think you're

coming

has he brought our car back

no right that settles it i am sick to

death of that useless friend of yours

he's had that car for weeks he's no more

a motor mechanic than i am

good morning mr good news it'll be ready

tomorrow

you said that yesterday yesterday i said

it we're ready today don't you play

games with me

well the tricky thing is gearboxes you

know george listen let me explain

do you know anything about cars no

it's a gudgeon pin you see

slipped out of his wobble

foul in your aftershaft

you can't get the doofus since they put

the clocks back

well jerry is the mechanic my sweet well

not full time george i'm doing you a

favor

now my specialty is collecting antiques

obj da

rags

well we have to get to hampton wick by

one o'clock i am aware of that and i'm

placing myself in my vehicle at your

disposal

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i'm not going anywhere in that

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i don't play on the lawn it uh bruises

the grass can i go and play with the

boys in the park uh no

no

they're uh they're rough boys

if i find a smooth boy

no no just play on the path

uh don't make a noise

enjoy yourself oh tris

must get you a rockable

jeffrey hello darling

was i expecting you ho i doubt it

otherwise you'd been vacuum cleaning and

looking harassed

sat down

yes or a five-minute frolic uh careful

careful not a half-term no i'm just uh

just showing some people around next

door ah well it'll have to be the window

cleaner again you couldn't not with the

window cleaner i mean he drops his ages

he drops everything when i was here

does he know well i'd rather not know

it's difficult getting into cleaners

oh gee

that can't be damn can it

impression on the new neighbors is that

it

yes i don't like it get out

ah dude

look at them neck curtains waving about

like semifinal flights yeah oh now

they're salt they think they've got

because they've got two bugs

i have been sitting on sausage

sandwiches

oh yes good afternoon we spoke on the

telephone jeffrey falmouth from the

estate yes absolutely would you be mr

over

not for a big clock

shall we go inside of course i'll hang

back for you george

might go on the knocker see if i can get

a few pickies

george don't

chat to the driver

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son now listen any uh daft old ladies

around here

this is the last remaining unit in this

small rather exclusive development and i

may say they are much sought after yeah

we had trouble finding the place

this is the entrance hall leading

through to the clockroom through lounge

and affording access to the first floor

by means of a staircase oh that's a

novelty

oh

i mean it's so light and spacious all

such big windows

yes but the local window cleaner is very

willing also i'm told

what's this

the patio ideal for late night barbers

queues

barbecues

george your shove sticks into things and

roast them over red hot charcoal because

i will shortly prove to you if you don't

stop trying me out

the uh the garden is very manageable are

you keen on garvey no let him run to

weed

i grew a nettle once oh it's about

oh yeah i'd say she's a bit of all right

she next door too right yes yes she is

yeah yeah a bit on the skinny side there

you go i like a bit of meat on myself

that's my wife

so there's a lot we said in skinny women

do you live next door

oh i'm so pleased i mean i i think it's

so important you know to have nice

neighbors yes yes it is indeed

a damn fireplace

adam

kitchen

fully fitted plenty of cupboard space

bottle rack

for your wine

or your brown ale

a large space for all your equipment and

uh how big is your freezer

oh it varies

depending on how optimistic i feel

yeah what's this big hole in the sink

waste disposal you uh put your waste

down there potato peeling so forth well

they fall in the cupboard

i don't know milk it's a bit hot for us

oh don't worry about it george when you

sit there in your vest scratching

yourself it'll be instant coronation

street

well it's not home yeah well i like the

place we live in you see why are you

moving oh that's the council see they

want to knock me down

yes yeah which compulsory purchase

orders see they want to build fly unders

or something yeah well you see the area

has gone down dreadfully since we moved

there

i mean it hasn't felt the same since the

young ones left oh quite quite it um it

is a sad time for mother when they leave

you are

well i had a father too of course i

wasn't their father oh i had three or

four different fathers as far as i know

oh they were our lodgers oh

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yeah yeah it's very nice but

there's not much call for gold watches

these days well i'll give you a couple

of quid for it

well sotheby's valued it at 250 pounds

you haven't got any lead or rags that

haven't been valued it's other pieces

oh

i don't see the point you know he's too

loose

well supposing you both wanted to uh

at the same time or if he can wait

anyway i mean in here and that little

one hasn't got lid on it

george that is a b day oh oh yeah

they're coming youthful for washing the

mud of me

how can you be so ignorant they don't

have marge in hampton week now

get downstairs while i look around here

in peace

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hello

are you smooth can i play with you no

you can't

what are you looking at

i work in class

yeah

what do you work at oh well i don't know

at the moment part-time i've got his bed

back

my day said she'll sponsor the taxpayer

and put it on bingo standard for riley

does he well you tell your dad that i'm

working class and bloody proud of it

my daddy says you should be put up

against the wall and shut up

your dad sounded right he knows middle

class twit

that's what my mummy says yeah we're

good for her if

sorry about this

home

with a nice little boy nice he's walked

that kid he's like his father you work

in class sure

i'm sorry about that he will play you

know now uh

yeah i was just saying out the back

there i could knock up a few working

class ferret hutches and that's a pigeon

loft pigeons yeah well we can't keep

them where they are you see the

neighbors complain of the droppings of

course there won't be any room for the

cold we can keep that in the path

yeah well i've got some space out there

to burn the mattresses that is between

sponging and playing bingo of course

come on

we'll be in touch

i am ashamed of you george

i thought i'd always been ashamed of you

but i didn't know why being ashamed of

you was

well what are they like well she's all

right i don't think much of him now

what's wrong with him he's working class

i'm bloody proud of it

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well i like it george

and i think we ought to buy it yeah i

heard you i heard you all night even

with a pillow over me ed

i mean the bulldozers have been moving

in soon you can't just sit here like

kink and ute

i don't see what burning cakes has got

to do with it

anyway why can't we take the council's

offer a nice that on the 18th floor gate

school point i am not going to live in a

vertical slum yeah well i feel happier

there they're my own shaw yeah there's

another reason why we're not going to

live there

i can't get the anger rolling my own ah

george and with all the practice you've

had

well clint eastwood clint eastwood can

do it with one hand on the back of the

and he's wearing a blanket

perhaps it's just as well

i wasted enough of these papers to

do out the lounge

morning george morning mrs r the car's

outside the gearbox is in perfect

working order that's about time apart

from the fact that it's ever so slightly

back to front

it's not difficult i mean first is now

four second is third thirty-second and

the first is four

and i wouldn't advise going into the

fourth george she's inclined to slip

into reverse

perfect working order well you can't get

the parts mrs r i've had to use parts

from five different cars

nila got caught twice

this jack of all trades get his hands on

our cars i mean i must have wanted my

head examined psychiatry i know a bit

about that now you see that being quiet

is it safe oh yeah right george you and

i are going to hamptonwood this morning

in that car

backwards if necessary and have a look

at our house hi

golden four mile good morning oh good

morning uh my name is ropa um i was

viewing 46 peacock crescent yesterday

yes mr roper

mrs rover

oh

the lady in the nylon simulated leopard

skin coat

yes

i'm a friend of the earth

uh could i speak to mr four-mile please

uh mr four-mile

i'm afraid he's in conference with our

mr

wagfinger

uh well um

actually we we wanted to uh see the

house again um it would be all right if

we picked up the keys said about

12 o'clock yes that'll be fine goodbye

they want to view the house again oh

dear

and it's worse now than it was before

yeah it's got the windscreen wipers

going yeah

every time it rains we're gonna have to

suffer the chay why frog

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if you do happen to see any of the

neighbors don't

oh george

it's sold

pow splat watch out ah

with one flick of his powerful tail the

subaquatic crime buster smashed the

spear gun from the hands of the mafia

frogman splash help help glug

what in god's name are you reading him

sharpman he's half man whole fish

fights crime underwater

what sort of crime takes place

underwater i don't know

cod napping

what are you looking at oh just some

people outside 46 that's all oh yes they

were here yesterday

so i didn't know it was sold it isn't we

don't want it salt living next door do

we what's what is he daddy what um oh

half man our fish can i see him no

tristan you go and play in the garden

mummy wants to talk to daddy

are you going to have a round

what

happened

no

did you let those poor people come all

the way over here for nothing um

well

what's the point if it's gone oh george

i i just wanted another look at the

bathroom you know that lovely avocado

low-level suite well we got low-level

suite at home yeah only since the system

fell off the wall

george you don't care do you i mean you

don't care that this house has been sold

no i like it always did

oh we'd have bought it if it wasn't sold

no i can't accept that i am not a

snobban you ask anyone well anyone who

matters oh yes you are you buy the

financial times just to impress the news

agent nonsense i just don't want to be

knee-deep in ferrets and pigeon

droppings that's all it's not much to

ask is it

i mean he even grows thistles in his

garden oh the ultimate crime oh i'm

telling you and that man could drop the

bottom of the property market for miles

around well i think it's mean putting a

sold sign up they look like a nice

couple i'm sure they are

apart from him

but his friend did you see his friend

yes he offered me a goldfish for the

grandfather clock well there you are

no guarantee they haven't got children

swarms of children tristan will get nips

oh for heaven's sake gently

i just feel sorry for them that's all

i'm sorry

yeah damn near it me yeah oh it's you

yes i don't think we met each other

properly my name's tristan yeah would we

oh

roper george roper i'm going to talk me

a sweetie

uh

oh i won't take it because daddy doesn't

listen taste with some strange men oh

well right

should i tell you when you offered me

one no no

can we go now all right joe just a

minute

oh hello love it's tristrum isn't it

don't offer many sweets it's a trap

no dear

not yet not yet

oh thank you

i couldn't see from the window

i'm from next door this is uh my little

horror oh how'd you do this is mine

well it's not compulsory

we were very nearly neighbours

yes um did you have to come far no dear

no not far

mind you it took us nearly an hour and a

half

an hour

oh dear

well would you like a cup of tea

oh

you come through thank you jeffrey we've

got company

um this is uh roper oh good yes you've

been looking around next time uh yes we

did phone this morning but uh you were

in conference with your mr wag finger

ooh

oh yes right

thank you

do you think it's all right i mean i've

got me working class trousers on

sit

oh

what a lovely room

and the carpet

oh i do like a nice deep pile on the

floor don't you george

nice deep pile of what

um

yes uh tea

would you prefer china or indian oh yes

please i like the one the monkeys drink

milk

or lemon

no thanks i'll stick with the tea

yes we'll have lemon thank you

oh with a charming little boy uh is he

your only one yes yes we were going to

have another but the dishwasher came

first

ah you can't cuddle a dishwasher

he can

do you have swarms of i mean any any

children at all no no

oh we did try

once or twice

no

we haven't got a dishwasher either

no we thought best not there's too many

working-class kids as there is

and we breathe like fruit flies our lot

once we start

lucky there's a war every now and then

the thinnest out

i don't suppose you were in the war

weren't you uh i was exempt for medical

reasons i hadn't been born

here's always an excuse

tristram what are you doing i'm

listening

disgraceful take after your mother go

inside

now the thing about the war is you had

all sorts of people with one thing in

common

they were getting killed

no yeah well there was that but the main

thing was that you had the duke and the

dustman standing shoulder to shoulder

side by side doing what hey um well

getting killed mainly well the point i'm

trying to make is that was the war that

was supposed to end class prejudice and

have our lot take over

there'll now be a silver collection in

his clog

do you think we might be able to change

the subject

oh what a pit of the house next door has

been sold yes yes it is a pity isn't it

jeffrey um about about the wall it

hasn't been sold

next door it hasn't been sold has it

ready ah well uh

you

you can't rely on stuff these days oh

jeffrey no no no it's that white finger

chap absolutely useless i have to go for

it

there's nothing to stop with putting

down a deposit well uh

i can't think of anything

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looks like we've got our new neighbors

i'm afraid it does

cheer up george you said you liked it

yeah but that was when it was sold

mildred we can't afford it oh yes we can

once we get the compensation from the

council

of course uh you all have to get

yourself a job hey

uh

it's all right

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you