Original subtitles

Welcome, Creeper Nation.

I cannot wait to tell you about today's mission.

Just know that it entails us jumping off of a moving train.

Oh, yeah.

To help me give you the rundown for all of this,

my charming, very, very handsome Rick.

What is this?

I think we should explain just a little bit

- what's gonna happen. - What are we gonna find?

A masterpiece of the one and only...

Don't tell them. You have to watch.

You're not gonna want to miss this one.

See you on the other side.

Welcome to episode 27.

- Step one, sneak past security. - Check.

We need all of our gear, which will be with JD.

- Trash detail. - He's trash detail.

Hello!

Excuse me, ma'am. This car is closed.

Sue me.

Nice meeting you.

What could go wrong? Nothing, right?

No. Let's go.

- Train! - Run!

Entrez-vous, s'il vous plaît.

Jackpot.

Oh, my God, is that what I think it is?

- A Basquiat? - That's what they say.

Before his pieces sold for millions,

when it was still just graffiti.

- This is priceless. - Yeah.

Bet.

All right, guys, you know the drill.

We document as much as we can and then we get out.

- Look, but most importantly... - Don't touch.

Vern, you're on.

Bro, you ain't gotta tell me twice.

Yo, yo, yo, JD, that's not cool, man.

- What the hell are you doing? - JD, I told you.

Look, I don't even know if this is real or not.

This could be our chance, Rick.

No, we don't touch. That's the code.

Yeah, well, the code can suck my dick.

Okay, come on, don't be a dick. Just put that stuff away.

Let's go.

That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, hey, hey! Guys! Guys!

- Guys, stop! Hey! Hey! - Guys, stop it!

- Chill, man. - Bitch.

That's it, JD.

Get your shit and go. You're gone.

This is not what we do. Go.

You know, I'd rather be rich than one of you nobodies anyway.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Over here!

Uh... Guys?

Eighty-two.

Eighty-two thousand views?

- Holy shit, we're popping off. - Nope.

Eighty-two. Literally, just 82.

Wow, okay. I don't get it.

Like, what do we have to do to make our channel slap?

- Porn Hub? - Nope. I'm not showing my tits.

I don't know.

I think we're just irrelevant.

I have something that might cheer you up.

Courtesy of Water and Power.

It's called The Paragon.

It's an old hotel down the shore.

All right, so I did a deep dive online.

Apparently, The Paragon is where the legendary gangster,

Meyer Lansky, stashed his missing 300 million.

Yo, that's a lot of money.

All right, apparently, everyone that's gone

looking for this money, never been heard from again.

Urban legend says

this is the place where evil lives,

and it does not take kindly to visitors.

Sounds... dangerous.

Man, think of all we could do with 300 million.

That's what I'm saying.

I mean, if we happen to stumble into that green,

not the end of the world if we leave with some weight.

Look, guys, we either have a code or we don't.

We document and that is it.

Before you get any ideas, we go in as a team.

No more solo stunts for the socials.

Do I have your word?

Yes. Yes.

- Okay. - Good.

Actually, um...

I have a little surprise for you, too.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Oh. Wow. It's... It's kind of... kind of different.

Yeesh!

Different. Um, okay. Well, that doesn't sound--

No, I meant different in a good way.

You know, like Lady Gaga different, right?

- Right, right. - Diane, wait.

Wait, guys?

What's up, bitches? See this swag right here?

Yeah, pretty sure that's Basquiat.

Never heard of this cat before, but I know it's worth bank.

Also, just wanted to give a quick shout-out

to my former crew.

What up, Creepers? I know you're watching me.

And how's it feel to be a bunch of broke-ass nobodies?

Yo, yo, yo, bossman Tod here. Shaking shit up.

Full psycho.

Traitor.

Where's Diane? She should be here by now.

Shouldn't you know where your girlfriend is?

Vernon?

- Seriously? Here? - What?

And the pleasure cruise continues.

Do not disrespect my science, okay?

Look, yellow one gives me sweet, sweet energy.

Red one helps with my blood flow,

and it keeps my brain sharp.

And the green one, well, the green one gives me

all the nutrients that my body needs, okay?

And what about those purple ones, Vern?

There seems to be a lot of purple ones.

Well, I mean, listen,

you can't spell healthcare without THC.

Oh, my God.

Finally.

I think you got the wrong room, buddy.

I don't. I'm with Vice.

- Vice, uh? - It's the news outlet genius.

- Hi, Frank. - Are you Cora?

- You know this guy? - Yeah.

He private messaged me. Come in.

That is a lot of equipment. Hmm?

Is that a bomb?

Okay.

Am I the only one who's smelling bacon here,

or is it just me, or am I crazy?

I'm not a cop.

More like a vic-- Diane, perfect timing.

Who's the boomer?

My name is Frank Ballinger.

I'm with Vice News.

I'm here because I want to watch you guys crack The Paragon.

How do you know about The Paragon?

I saw Diane's post.

Like everyone else.

I'm sorry.

I said I was sorry.

Okay, we've all been talking about how we need

to take our Instagram to the next level.

Frank here could help us do that.

- Hey, Vern, what do you think? - I think he's a cop.

- Rick? - No, absolutely not.

- It's a bad idea. - Diane.

I trust you. We're doing it.

Okay.

Nice van, huh?

Sadly, it didn't come with a mystery-solving dog.

Hey, Cora, ask Rick if he brought an extra can of diesel

like he was supposed to.

Wait, I thought it was Vern's turn.

Absolutely not.

Cora told me that Diane said it was your turn.

Or we could always take my ride.

This is absolute bullshit.

Honestly, I don't mind.

I'm pretty comfortable.

AccuWeather never lies.

Okay, let's just make sure

we're out of the tunnels before it hits.

Tunnels?

Aren't there any doors or windows?

Boarded up and fenced off.

Ooh.

You want your story or not?

This was JD's, now it's the loaner.

Pretty glamorous hobby, huh?

I think I'll stick to birdwatching.

It's really not that bad.

Except for certain situations.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Oh, you know, I'm not really into the whole

creepy-crawly things that go bump in the night.

How far in do we have to go?

Should almost be there.

There's just one little thing.

And what's that?

That.

- Really? - Yeah.

Vern, is that smell you or the tunnel? 'Cause it's bad.

Speak for yourself, bro. I keep this body clean.

Wait, everyone hold on for a second.

What is it?

Cora, sweetheart, you're not gonna like this.

What is it?

Everybody, heads down, now!

Oh, no!

Get them away! Get them away!

Cora, you all right?

I hate rats.

This is our way in.

There's gotta be a different way.

I'm gonna go look.

Won't be long.

While she does that, I'm gonna take a crack at it.

Holy shit!

Could be their crew was renovating

and was told to quit.

Or a barricade to stop someone from getting in.

Either way. Diane, come back! We found a way in!

Wow.

Bet they had some badass parties here back in the day.

Rick, you did it again.

Hi, guys. I'm so excited to have you

on this little journey with us. This place is haunted.

Jesus!

Say hi to my new best friend.

Okay. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to The Paragon, bitches.

The Paragon!

Are you guys seeing this?

When do I move in?

This place is insane, but there are rats.

Oh, yeah, and not the cute kind. No, I'm talking the scary,

ferocious, red-eyed kind of rats.

Yeah, didn't think those existed. I saw them.

Wow.

Hello!

Fancy.

Oh, what a beauty.

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Listen, I didn't take those classes for nothing.

I'm streaming, Rick. Decline.

Great. More rats.

Okay, maybe not rats.

Hey, whoever this is, this isn't funny!

God damn it. She's not picking up.

Okay, you need to chill.

I'm sure she's fine

and will be playing a prank on us any second.

All right, but until we know for sure

we do this the right way,

we search room by room, floor by floor.

Come on.

I...

Great. Dramatic.

- They had a fight. - Over what?

Hair color.

What'd he say to her?

I don't think he would like me talking with you about it.

Sounds complicated.

Uh, it's actually not.

You know, Rick wants a wife, and Diane...

wants the world. That's off the record.

So, Rick, is he in charge?

We let him think that he is.

He works security at Home Depot,

supplies us with most of our equipment,

so the illusion keeps us stocked with gear.

And I imagine that meets with Diane's approval.

Oh, for sure.

I mean, she's got a firm grip on the van,

as well as Rick's balls.

- What does Vernon do? - Vern is our photographer.

He documents everything. He's always taking photos.

- Somewhat to an annoyance. - And you?

- Me? - Yeah.

Oh, well.

I'm the key.

So I open doors when they're closed,

and I keep everybody honest.

Nice.

Thank you, by the way.

For what?

For helping me back there in the sewer.

No problem.

So what's your wife's name?

Her name's Amanda.

Amanda?

You got a picture of her?

I do.

- She's a badass. - Right.

I like her ink. Not what I expected for you.

Cora! We're wasting time. Let's go.

Thank you.

Diane?

Yo, guys.

Check this out.

Let's find Diane and get out of here.

Do you want me to go to the concierge desk

and see if I can find a master key or something?

Good idea. Take a look.

Somebody should go with her.

Yeah, relax, big guy. I got it.

Come on, this way.

Look, I'm just saying, what could have made that?

A shadow.

A shadow? You think a shadow made this?

Yeah, I don't really know what you...

Wait, did you hear that?

What?

I don't know, it just felt like...

That's the claw. The claw is...

Really?

Cora. Cora.

- The claw. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get up.

I saw you crushing on Mr. Vice.

Absolutely not.

Uh, no, no, no, hold on.

There was definitely a vibe, okay?

What?

- I know a vibe when I see one. - Okay.

Well, the only vibe I noticed was yours.

In the backseat of the car.

Aren't we looking for someone?

What's this?

"Paragon owner goes missing after wife is murdered."

"Hotel set to close."

"Details have been kept confidential by the police

due to the ongoing investigation."

"However, it has been rumored

that the victim's chest was found exposed

with her heart removed."

Wow.

Well, you really know how to turn a girl on, Vern.

How did you meet Diane?

In an abandoned mental hospital.

Kind of set the tone, I guess.

You reckon she's the one?

Look, I know you only just met her,

but trust me, there is no one that is like--

Get it off!

- Hey! Hey! Get off of him! - Stop!

Get off of him!

- Do not touch him! - Calm down!

He's hurt! All right?

What kind of sick bastard puts a bear trap in a hotel?

Oh, that's gonna need stitches.

Like a lot of them.

We've gotta make do with what we got.

Okay.

Now, this is gonna sting. Just a little.

- Come on. - Sorry. Sorry.

That's it.

Guys, I think we need to take Rick to a hospital.

No, I'm not leaving without her.

It's Diane's phone. She's upstairs.

Can you walk?

- Yeah. - Hey, hey.

I got you. Right, on this side.

Come on.

- Cora, get my camera. - Let's go.

Come on, I got you.

Yo, I think this is our cue to bounce.

Cora, that's Diane's phone.

Hey, whoever this is, this isn't funny.

Oh, my God.

All right, so you guys know

I normally don't say this, but we should call the cops.

Vernon is right. We need to get real help.

Guys, look, we do not have time

to wait around for the police, okay?

Agreed. We should keep moving.

Keep the noise down, all right? Come on.

Hey, guys, what was that?

Boo!

Don't move! Get up! Get up! Turn around!

What the hell, Frank? You got a gun?

Man, I knew you were a cop!

- Missed you guys, too. - JD?

- What, you know this guy? - Watch out!

- Come on. - Don't touch me.

Move!

Come on, big guy. Up.

On your knees now.

Backpacks off.

Take the camera off, lady. Come on.

Cell phones out.

Time for a little social media detox, Creeps.

Where's Diane, you piece of shit?

I don't know where your little purple-haired skank is.

Probably off shooting an OnlyFans video somewhere.

What I wanna know is, where's the money?

I'm gonna ask you one more time, where's the money?

I'm gonna ask you one more time, where is Diane?

- Pardon me? - Who are they?

They're The Scavengers.

They're the literal scum of the Earth.

Oh, shit!

Tod, she always talks shit. Just calm down.

Shut up!

You know, bullets are equal opportunists, sweetheart.

Wow.

A white trash progressive. You know, that... that is rare.

Figures. The chick is the one with the biggest balls.

- Yeah. - And mouth...

You noticed that? I noticed that.

What are we going to do about that?

Well...

I could think of a couple of things.

It's funny,

I would still have more than enough room to talk.

- Just shut up! - Cut it out, man.

Easy. No. Chill, chill.

It's okay.

Right? It's okay.

We'll just take away her mouth.

Tod, you're taking it too far, man.

I said shut up!

Hey.

You sure you know how to use that thing?

Okay, Rambo?

What, you do?

What are you, a cop?

No. I'm just looking for my wife.

Frank, what are you talking about?

Explain.

- Explain! - All right, all right.

My wife is the reporter.

She went missing a couple of months ago,

along with her photographer. They were...

doing a story about the owner of this hotel.

Cops? They've been no help.

I just couldn't find a way in.

As soon as I saw your Paragon post,

I knew you guys found a way.

Who gives a shit?

What's two less stupid bitches in this world?

Make that three.

You stay right there.

That's just gross.

That's Diane's!

Oh. Oh, dude, this. Oh, yeah. No, come here.

I didn't know. I didn't know it was your girl's.

I didn't know.

Get up, take it. I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Really. Take it.

Okay? Yeah? Good.

- No, Rick! - Rick!

Rick!

No, Rick.

Anyone else looking for some frequent-flyer miles?

That's what I thought.

- Tod, this wasn't in the plan. - Change of plans.

You said we were just gonna scare them.

Now it's gonna be--

Shut your mouth, or I will shut it permanently.

- Come here. Come here. - You're a psychopath.

I don't give a shit about this Instagram bullshit.

- I'm in it for the money. - Shit, yeah, bro.

And you know where it is, all right?

Take me to the office.

Yeah, I can't do that.

What?

That office is marked on the blueprints.

And Rick, he had the only copy, genius.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

Let's go find the skydiver. Go.

- Move. - Easy, man.

Stop.

Rick!

Rick!

There's gotta be another way.

Who wants to walk the plank?

I'll do it.

Aw.

Go.

Go!

Bravo!

Rick, are you okay? Rick, talk--

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's not him!

Hmm. Too bad. Let's go.

Wait, how am I supposed to get back?

You don't!

Toodle-oo. Come on.

JD, this isn't you, man.

You gotta help us.

Diane?

Go.

Stay on him.

What's in there?

Narnia.

It's nothing. Oh, shit!

Please. Help me.

Beth. Hey, hey, easy.

- It's okay. You're safe now. - You know her?

Yeah. She came here with my wife.

Beth, hey, hey, hey, hey, where's Amanda?

It's coming.

You're all gonna die.

Down on your knees. All of you, on your knees!

Come on!

Give me the night vision goggles.

Come on, come on.

Shut the blinds.

- Mack, you see anything? - Nothing.

JD?

What the...

Mack, keep shooting!

Let's get out of here. Come on now!

Rick.

All right?

Hello?

Oh, my god. Rick? Oh, my god. Rick.

Oh, my God. Come on. I got you.

Come on. I got you. It's okay.

We're gonna get you out of here. Come on.

No.

Hide.

What the...

What the hell?

Oh, my god.

Diane?

Oh, my God, Diane.

- Nothing. - Come on!

Come on!

A powerful secret

has been shared with me.

A secret to become more.

Whoa!

More than a foolish man.

Holy shit.

Whoa!

Let's go!

What must be done, must be done.

Oh! Okay.

Rebecca will never understand.

Upon the digestion of a mortal's sacred heart,

the chosen one shall be gifted with supernatural strength.

Praised be the Dark One.

Come on, man, let's just get out of here.

How about you quit being a little bitch

and help me out with this, huh?

- It ain't worth it, man! - Mack!

Mack! You're dead, Mack!

What is gained in eternity

will outweigh loss in this life.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

"The final transformation from man to beast

occurs when the Dark Lord is offered the joining

of two souls desired to be joined as one in...

eternal fire."

"Upon the ceremony, the man-beast

will finally enjoy everlasting life,

and all of the dark arts force he hungers for."

I don't think so.

Vernon?

Listen.

- Vernon? - Downstairs. Come on!

- Hold up. - Whoa.

Holy shit.

Vern, you okay?

- Hey. Yeah, we're okay. - I can see you.

- Where are you? - Upstairs, and I found Diane.

Cora, how do we get to you?

Get out, get out, get out! It's coming!

Come on!

Come on, guys. Come on, come on.

Go find a knife. Something sharp.

Anything. Go, go!

Hey, Cora!

Cora, we're in the kitchen. We kind of need an exit.

Hey, Frank! Frank, I got it.

Okay, I found an exit.

- Where is it? - It's right in front of you.

- There. Go, go! - Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

The motor's dead.

You're gonna have to pull yourself up manually.

Get in.

What, you think this is safe?

All right, keep going. Radio.

All right.

I should have told you guys about my wife.

- I'm sorry. - It's all good, man.

Come on.

Vernon!

- Time's up! - I'm going as fast as I can!

- Oh, my God, Vern. - Oh, fuck.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Frank, hurry!

- Come on, Frank! - Come on, hurry up!

Come on, Frank!

Come on!

Vernon, get the knife!

Vernon! Cut the cable!

- Oh, my God, Frank. - Give me the walkie.

Frank, are you okay?

I'm fine.

That other thing? Not so much.

Frank, meet us in the penthouse.

Copy.

I just need a minute.

Frank?

We found someone on the ninth floor.

Frank.

Any sign of Rick?

I mean, he saved me, but...

We're gonna find Diane.

Yeah, she's right here.

Where is this?

All right. I'm gonna go get Diane.

- Keep an eye on the monitor. - Wait a minute.

Oh, my God.

Get your claws off of me!

Let me go!

Frank?

Frank, did you find Diane?

Cora?

- Diane? - Oh, thank God you're alive.

We thought that thing got you.

Is Frank with you?

He saved my life.

Hey, is Rick with you guys?

Time to get out of this hellhole.

Um...

Diane, sweetheart...

About Rick...

Cora, where is Rick?

Diane, Rick is a hero. He saved Cora, but...

Cora?

Where's the last place you saw Rick?

In a room on the third floor,

the end of the hall.

Rick?

Hey. Hey, hey. Oh, no.

Hey. Hey, Rick. Rick, Rick, Rick, hey. Hey.

Please wake up. Please wake up.

Please, babe, please.

Rick! Rick!

- Are you okay? - Diane?

- Are you okay? Oh, my God. - Yeah.

- Am I dreaming? - I'll explain everything later.

A hundred million views.

Boom, baby, let's go! I like that.

Listen, I have been saving this for a very special occasion.

Hey, guys, I wish Frank was here.

To Frank.

- To Frank. - Frank.

To Frank.

I have a surprise.

Oh, my God.

Wait, what?

Executive decision. A little won't hurt the code.

My man.