Original subtitles

Attention, everyone,

let me introduce you

to the most perfect grandbaby ever...

- Zara Howard. - Aw!

Oh! Oh, they decided to give the baby your last name.

Well, not legally, sweetheart.

All right, let me see the little meatball. Hello.

Yeah.

You know, something about my physique

- just makes babies love me. - Oh.

- I don't know why. - You are just the cutest.

Oh.

Can I hold the baby, Barbara?

- Sure. Sure. - Okay.

- She is a little fussy though. Yeah. - I know. I hear.

Hey, sweetie... Aw!

- Oh! Well, you're not fussy with us. Hey. - Yeah.

That's because Zara and Janine wear the same shirt size.

Now give me that baby.

No. Oop... Oh, okay.

- I've always wanted to hold one of these. - Hmm.

All right, now I'm bored. Think fast.

Okay.

What in the world?

Okay.

Well, try Jacob. The baby is bound to cry with him.

Oh, no, thank you. I'm... I'd rather...

- Jacob, take the baby. - Oh.

Hi.

Hi, wittle sweetie. Aw.

Well... at least she's settled down now.

- Yeah. - Yeah, give her back.

- Thank you. - There you go.

And now you've done it, Jacob. Ooh, you've done it!

Mmm.

My man. Okay.

- Whew! Look who's in a good mood. - Yeah.

Every one of my kids aced their spelling test.

- Hmm. - You know, they're really in a flow state.

It... It took a while to get here, but they're locked in.

Yeah. Always takes, like, half a year,

but then when you get 'em there, oh, that feels good.

Right? And you still get them after the first grade.

When I get them, they're essentially starting from zero.

I beg your pardon?

Your students are not starting from zero.

Oh. Yeah, well, n-no. That's not what I meant.

Obviously, you're an amazing teacher, Barb.

- This I know. Uh-huh. - Damn straight.

It's just that, you know, as far as them being "students"...

Oh, boy.

I'm essentially starting from scratch.

Exactly what is it you think I do all day with my kindergartners? Babysit?

Uh...

No, um...

I'm not explaining myself well.

You think?

- You do a lot. - Uh-huh.

But the expectations of a first grader...

Well, I tried to help you, man. It was nice knowing you.

- I'ma just shut up. - Good idea.

But what I'm saying is...

- Really? Really? - Gregory.

Okay, okay, okay.

Running late, I see.

Yeah, well, that is because I'm being smeared by Ms. Schwartz

in the campaign for 51st District's school commissioner's liaison representative.

Schmeared, huh? That makes me want a bagel. Go get me one.

She's on Facebook telling folks

that I don't have any people of color in my life.

Her only proof was a black-and-white photo of my white-and-white family.

- Sounds like it's time to hit back. - No, on principle, I cannot do that.

As principal, you should do that.

No, I want people to vote for me because of where I stand on the issues.

I won't run a campaign on vitriol.

All right, bring it down a notch.

Voters are dumb.

Most of them are just there for the sticker.

Well, I am doing an interview later to lay out my plan.

I'm gonna post it to the teachers' forum,

and I think once people know where I stand on the issues,

they will be clamoring to vote for me.

Well, Ms. Schwartz just posted that you don't believe in ADA-compliant schools.

What? That... That's all I believe in.

What's this?

Mr. Johnson? Trying to get the whole school done at once?

This is how I work off my nerves.

What are you nervous about?

Acting like you don't know the Genesis Ball is coming up.

- That's this week? - The what?

It's the biggest soiree of the custodial season, Melissa,

and Ms. Carroll's gonna be there.

This is the first time I've seen her since our "mallmance."

Okay, so what's the big deal?

Well, for her, it seemed like a "Wham, bam, thank you, Mr. Johnson" type thing.

This is my one chance to change that.

Mmm, we'll help you.

Okay, you gotta stop saying "we" before checking with the other party.

Look, we love love.

- We're in love. - Yeah.

And we know a thing or two.

I don't know.

Come on. The fashion club can spruce up your outfit.

Yeah, Ms. Carroll will love it.

- Mm-hmm. - Wow.

I feel like that girl in the fairy tale going to the ball.

You two are my fairy god-ugly stepsisters.

So, in the sequel,

they do a four-way body swap with the granddaughter and the stepsister.

That does sound like a much freakier Friday.

Yeah, yeah, it's a little complicated, but it works.

Mmm, mm-hmm.

Doing anything fun this weekend?

Every day is a weekend for me, Gregory, because, as you know, I don't do anything.

I didn't say that. I don't think that.

I'm merely a glorified babysitter.

You said that, not me.

That's not what I heard.

Cool way to weigh in, Melissa.

Barb, I know you do a lot.

I don't think you truly understand what I do.

I know what you do, but I also know what I do.

- I don't think you do. - I do.

Okay, listen.

There's only one way to settle this.

- We Freaky Friday it. - Oh.

Yeah, you switch classes for a little bit.

Oh!

Good idea, Melissa.

Yep.

Gregory? You in the mood for a little vacation?

If I agree, would that help?

- It would. - Okay.

- Well, then tomorrow, high noon. - Oh.

Bring your class to the library, and we will switch.

- Mmm... Psych! - Ooh!

But we are making that switch. Ha!

High noon.

Cortez, Imani, I'm excited to get into the issues with you today.

District bureaucracy is...

You've previously been critical of MrBeast's exploitation

of what you called "human suffering."

So, explain your like on this MrBeast post from 2018.

What?

- Where did you get that? - Ms. Schwartz posted it.

It was a long time ago.

I was a different person. He was a different beast.

But you know what stays the same?

District bureaucracy, making it impossible to create change.

And that's what I want to focus on today, not... not idle gossip.

Look, I won't be persuaded off message,

but word to the wise, never like anyone's post, ever.

Which would benefit both teachers and district.

And that is just one prong of my multi-pronged communication system.

Okay, thankfully, Mr. C, that's all the time we have.

Time we'll never get back.

Well, policy isn't meant to be exciting. It's meant to change the world.

Um... I hope you found at least some of it compelling. Okay.

Well, what do you think? Should I move my keys to the other side?

I think that if this is someone we're trying to impress that we can do better.

But this is what I wore on our first date.

If I wear something different, she might not recognize me.

You are more than just your uniform, Mr. J.

Yeah. Kids...

Let's get to it. Mm-hmm.

That's janitor purple.

You again?

Look at what Ms. Schwartz did to my podcast interview.

And that would be one prong of my multi-pronged communication system.

What?

Uh...

Hey, no one loves process more than me.

Ha-ha!

She is manipulating everything in order to mischaracterize me.

She is politicking, and the people are really responding.

You are getting cooked.

This is good. It rivals some of my takedowns.

Oh, my God.

Am I really gonna lose to somebody totally incompetent?

Hmm... What does that say about you?

No, not on my watch! Be my campaign manager.

Look, the debate is tomorrow, and the vote is immediately following.

I need your help to take her down.

So you're telling me I have almost no time to turn this thing around?

What do you think I am, some kind of miracle worker? 'Cause I am.

Please, I wouldn't ask you if I wasn't desperate.

If I help you, you have to do exactly what I say,

even if it goes against everything you believe in.

- Do I really have to do that? - Yes.

Now say, "Trickle-down economics helps the lower class thrive."

Ava, we both know that is a lie. I mean...

Forget the truth or you're never gonna win. Now say it!

Fine. Trickle-down economics helps the lower class thrive.

Good. Now say it again.

Upon extensive research,

I've determined that this is your problem.

Okay, I think this was a bad idea.

Do you wanna be the next Beto or the next AOC?

Trick question. Beto never won.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, the goal isn't to get people to vote for you.

That ship has already sailed.

The goal is to get people to vote against Ms. Schwartz.

Okay, but how?

We get nasty.

We spin every question, every point, and we make it an attack on her.

Example, what is your stance on standardized test prep?

Well, my stance is...

Weak, woke, wack. Your stance is, "Lock her up."

Come on, man, look alive.

All right, students, Mr. Eddie and I are going to conduct a little experiment

since it seems that some teachers aren't valued

as much in the eyes of others.

That's not true, but...

And so for the rest of the week, we are going to switch classes.

I am going to teach Mr. Eddie's class.

Yay!

And I'm going to teach Mrs. Howard's class.

I love Mrs. Howard.

She's the best teacher ever.

Yeah, well, your sample size is, like, two, so...

Mrs. Howard's class, follow me. You guys can stand.

Please don't make me leave Mrs. Howard.

It's okay. It's all right. Come on. Let's go.

Okay, just be still.

Nice! Colman Domingo called. He said save some red carpet for him.

Ms. Carroll's gonna freak.

We'll see. I usually woo ladies with my mop work,

but she's seen me clean an entire mall and walked away.

Okay, so, what's our plan to win her over?

I've been working on this mentalist routine.

It's all about subtle suggestion.

Pick a number. Any number.

Yeah, or we lose that, and you just tell her how you feel.

Okay, I got my number.

I've dated wild horses like her in the past.

I'm afraid if I come out and tell her how I feel,

she'll be out of my life before she's ever in it.

I understand. It can be scary, Mr. J, but you know what?

The important thing is you move forward, whether it's with her or without her.

Mm-hmm.

Melissa.

Was your number five?

- No. - Oh, my God.

My number was five. How did you do that?

Subliminal messaging. You never noticed I had a thumbs-up next to the number five.

Whoa. Wow.

Okay. So, what is 30 minus 20?

What's 30?

Can we have blocks?

No, it's not playtime.

But I need them to count.

Okay. Well, then, yeah, use the blocks.

Now, when we're taking 30, and then we...

Hey, excuse me. Ladies, excuse...

Hey, there's enough for everybody to have their own set.

Relax, relax, relax.

Can we sit down, please? Thank you.

Okay, let's pivot. What were you guys working on this week in language arts?

We were talking about U.

Me?

No, the letter U.

You were spending a whole week on the letter U. Why?

We haven't gotten to Y.

No. W-H-Y.

What's W?

Okay. It's... It's okay.

Apathy among teachers is at an all-time high.

What will you do to combat that in this role?

Great question. Here's what I'd like to combat.

This magnificently unqualified candidate

who is unprepared for the rigors of this position.

Whack her again.

It actually seems unfair that we would share the stage

since this isn't a social media post,

and you can't edit yourself to look competent!

Now insult that outfit.

All while wearing that lipstick with that dress? Shameful.

Ugh! I'm imagining it, and it is shameful.

Now for the knockout blow.

Bring up the fact that she kicked a student.

And in case you aren't all dissuaded from voting for her,

Ms. Schwartz once punted a student.

And the extra point is good.

Politics looks good on you, Jacob.

Okay. Look, everybody, this is nap time, so no talking, please. Shh.

I'm not tired!

Just close your eyes.

My eyes don't close.

- Yes, they do. - Stop yelling at me!

Okay.

Well, this was fun. And now I feel like a terrible teacher.

On the bright side, I also feel like a terrible person, so...

Correct.

Aw, we are really cooking now. Mmm!

Hello, Mrs. Howard. I'd like to switch back now, please.

Mr. Eddie.

It seems you finally found a garden you can't handle. Kindergarten.

Hmm. Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Johnson? It's Janine and Melissa.

Yeah, we finished your corsage,

and the kids fashioned you this unbelievable suit jacket.

- Hey. - Ta-da!

Thank you both.

Unfortunately, I won't be needing any of this.

What? What are you talking about?

There was an accident.

Semitruck full of glitter bombs crashed into a Carpet & Tile Depot.

My God.

And they need all hands on mopping. So Genesis Ball is canceled.

- I'm so sorry. - Okay, surely that couldn't have happened.

Well, it did, Janine. It's over. That's the universe telling me to drop it.

Love is not in the cards for everybody, ladies.

And when she twists your words, you bring up kickgate.

Don't pull any punches.

- Twist, kick, punch. - Yeah.

- Oh, my God, Gregory, you came. - Hey, hey, hey, focus.

You came to support Jacob?

Of course. Didn't hurt that my nail salon is right across the street.

Well, well, well, look who decided to show up.

May the best Schwartz win. Huh?

Or Hill.

Your last name is a mound of dirt.

Let's start with 60-second opening statement, shall we?

Before I get into the nuts and screws,

I want to share with you why I wanted to run.

And, uh, well, it starts with the story of my deepest shame.

You see, I poured everything I had into my first job as a teacher,

and I pushed too hard because I cared too much, you know.

And, uh, well, at my lowest, I, uh, I kicked a kid.

It was wrong, but more than that,

it was human and a testament to the struggles

we teachers face every single day.

I mean, who here hasn't been pushed to the brink?

You know, forgiving myself wasn't enough, so I brought someone with me here today.

Rajon, come on out, friend.

No limp?

He is so much more than a kid who got kicked,

and I'm so much more than the kicker.

Sorry for the brief recess.

Our cat got out, and my husband is blaming me again.

Anyway, how would each of you improve working conditions and school morale?

Mr. Hill, you first.

Well, I think we can all agree that morale would improve in any school

if there were no kicking of children.

Why do you keep bringing it up, man? It's triggering.

Because he wants to live in the past

while I'm worried about our students' future.

So much so I wrote a poem.

- "I stay up late wondering..." - Jacob isn't very good at this.

Yeah, this is rough.

Looks like he and I both taking L's this week.

"Are we all in trouble? Are we..."

Are you still upset about what happened earlier?

"Then I awake, my heart..."

Honestly, after seeing everything that you do,

I feel like I don't do enough when I get them.

Gregory, every grades' needs are different.

Besides, I've seen you teach.

Trust me, the students are learning just as much from you as they did from me.

It's not a competition.

It's a collaboration.

- Firstly, I think we all agree... - I like that.

That school days are way too long.

Although I am at the beginning,

which makes me the foundation and therefore the most important.

Mr. Johnson, you gotta come quick. There's an emergency.

Oh, no, a second glitter truck hit the depot?

No, someone threw up in the gym,

and then someone else saw it, and then they threw up.

It's best to let it dry overnight.

No, we can't 'cause... Man, just come to the gym.

I'm telling you, if you let it dry, you can shovel it the next day.

Well, I'll be.

You aren't vomit at all.

But how?

Your friends called me.

- Well, I called. - And you used my phone.

I know you clean up well.

But you also clean up well.

I was worried you wouldn't recognize me.

- I do. - Hmm.

I mean, she's wearing that lipstick with that dress?

Shameful.

One more outburst like that, and I will be forced to ask you to stop.

It's fine. He's worried about my dress,

and I'm worried about fixing the budget crisis.

Okay. Yeah, I'm not sure how, because that's not what the role is.

We can only convey our budgetary needs.

We have no idea what the total amount is gonna be from the district.

My God. "We can only convey our budgetary needs"...

Do you even know what this position does?

Can we move on? Geez, this guy is insufferable.

You know what? Maybe you're right. I am insufferable.

I may not have the skills to edit TikToks to manipulate interviews.

And photos.

But at the very least, I know who to contact if your school needs supplies

or wants to fund a trip or even needs a counselor.

I mean, tell me, Ms. Schwartz,

do you have a plan in place to gather the needs of the 51st school district?

Do I?

Sure. Look, I may be agonizing, annoying...

Ooh! Grating.

And I may not know when to stop talking,

but isn't that who you want fighting for you?

I am insufferable, but I will always suffer so that you don't have to.

Yes.

I told him to say that.

No matter what happens, I'm glad I did it on my own terms.

That's a Jacob Hill I'll die on.

Ah, why didn't I say that?

All right, let's see a show of hands for Jacob Hill.

Nine votes for Jacob Hill. All in favor of Tina Schwartz?

And eight votes for Tina Schwartz.

That officially makes Jacob Hill

the 51st District Board of School Commissioners liaison representative.

Thank God we came.

Hey, man, come on, let's go.

- And, uh, let's go. - Come on, Barbara, let's go.

Yeah, let's go.

I know I went off script there a bit, but...

Jacob, you don't have to say it. You're welcome.

What? No, I-I did the opposite.

It's what I do.

Just want to say good luck doing whatever it is this job does.

Well, I really appreciate that,

and I'm sorry for the things I said earlier.

I hope we can put our differences aside now.

So glad to hear you say that.

So I can count on your endorsement when I run for school board.

Run...

Oh, God, what have I done?

After the mall, I never thought I'd see your beautiful face again.

But we agreed we didn't want it to get messy.

One thing we know in our line of work, that life is messy.

What's important is cleaning it up for the ones you care about.

Aw! It's so sweet.

What's happening? I can't see. Tell me everything.

We did good here today, kid.

Hey, would you mind switching? 'Cause I can't feel my arm.

No, keep twirling. The feeling will come back.

Okay.

Jacob won by one vote.

Whoa.

Okay, please don't tell him I wasn't there.

Please tell him I wasn't there.

Y'all ready to go?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I have a big vocab test to prep for.

You know, it's funny. My second graders have come so far.

They basically come to me as nothing.

Their little minds just completely and totally empty,

like a blank page in a blank book.

Where do you think you're going?

Uh, home?

Are you crazy? I know you don't think we're cleaning this place up.

Also, the hallways could use a once over. I had a rough day earlier.

Come on, baby.

Bye, y'all.