Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Anya Hole, the Pink Pony Club, yeah? Yeah.

I'd love your legs. Thank you.

Unbelievable. I did spill tea down them

and I thought, "Oh no, it's gonna look like piss."

I did wonder what that was, a bit excitable.

# BLUR: Parklife # DANNY: 'Previously...

'we brought back the 80s with a banging night

'at the Priory Club.'

Hello, Priory Hill!

What a night. 100%, the Danny Dyer effect.

DANNY: 'We set about getting a playground built for the park kids.'

You can't say "I want it there" and then later on go,

"Oh mate, what it is, I wanted it over there'"

'But we were already facing some resistance.'

No. What?No.

You'll ruin this site you put a park on here.

# They all go hand in hand

# Hand in hand through their Parklife... #

# THE CORAL: In The Morning #

DANNY: 'Last month's 80s night was a huge hit with the residents.

'But we still didn't know if all our hard work

'had actually helped increase profits.'

Right, Dan, I'm very proud of us because...

we pulled something off out the bag, didn't we?

Like, Thursday night sort of turn-out weren't it?

I had a really good night that night.Was a good night.

Matching costumes and all that.

80s night, pulled the big guns out, made some calls.

It was a brilliant night, everybody loved it.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

That's what I told you, about making memories for people,

that's a memory. Yeah?It is. There's people out there

that have come to me that were gutted they couldn't make it.

It was such a good night, I've never seen so many people make an effort.

Did we take a few quid that night? I feel like that bar was ramma.

Yeah, considering it was a Thursday we did really, really well,

so we took £4,668.

Oh, I'm sure that's broke the record.

Yeah, probably our best Thursday ever.

Given that it was such a huge success,

we should try and do more nights like this.I'm up for it.

Like, more erm, themed nights, more-

Does that mean I have to go through each-We should do Spice Girls.

Why can't you call in a couple of favours now then? Who d'you know?

You've got a couple of famous people. I don't- I know Becky Hill.

Could get Becky, you know who Becky Hill is?Yeah.

Oh, you do? She's doing a tribute actually.

The real Becky Hill? No, a tribute.Oh.

Yeah.Erm, anyway.

Alright, oh, alright then, let's go. Thanks Al.

# When the morning comes, I will be alright... #

DANNY: 'On a high, we turned to the playground.

'Now set to be tucked behind the pool and clubhouse,

'the spot was perfect.

'Or so we thought.'

D'you know where they're putting the playground? Right outside your door.

No you can't do that, you can't do that, it's ridiculous, it's stupid.

But what about-It's the worst place you could put it.

Who wants to open their door and see this big, you know...

Nah. No.

You've got two massive fields,

and you wanna put it there?

What a- Who...?

What can you actually fit there? It's such a small space.

It surely isn't signed off? If my wife come up to me and said,

"Al, think of a place where we can put this park

but think of the worst place you can put it", I'll put it there!

I'm really annoyed about it, there's been no consultation from Mr Dyer.

No thought went in to it at all.

It's a holiday park, we appreciate there's kids,

but having a swing park in front of your chalet...

..that ain't what we signed up for, right?

Put it this way, bluntly, if we'd come to buy this chalet,

and that swing park was there, guess what?

We wouldn't have bought the chalet. End of.

Innit interesting Dan... What?

..that erm, you know, they like to...

..get their seat for bingo.

Like reserving a sun lounger, innit?

(GROANS)

All the...

You here for the bingo, though, you little lot, or...?

(LOUDER) You here for the bingo? (DISTANT) Yeah.

Alright, OK. Is that your favourite seat?

BOTH: Yes.

How we doing?

Oh, we're just, um...

making sure it's all clean. For bingo?For the bingo lot.

You look a bit down, what's happened?The park innit?

Sit there babe.

And I'll come here.

What's happening anyway? This park idea.

Great idea. Yeah.

Great idea, love it, but...

the location.

Yes, which we did discuss. Yeah, we did discuss.

Which was at the back of the pool. Back of the pool, yeah.

The residents have gone ape shit.

The residents have gone mental.

They don't want it near their gaff. Mental?

Go on then, what they said? So basically,

the first resident is gonna sell. Dramatic.

He will leave straight away. And the one behind,

they don't want it either, they're an old couple,

and the customer behind that said, "I'll also sell-"

What's the matter with 'em? So, every one of 'em have got the hump over it?

They say they come down for a bit of peace and quiet.

So they don't want all the kids right outside their chalet there.

'Cos they bought it as a field, as a nice quiet area,

and it's gonna change and they don't wanna be here.

Yeah, I understand that.They're some of our oldest customers as well,

oldest residents as well. Yeah, I can tell by their chalets.

Can tell they look after 'em, they love 'em, they...Yeah.

But we spoke about going to Nutts Farm and doing it there, remember?

Nutts were pretty much the same, they didn't want it near their vans.

We've gotta build a park. We have to build a park.

We have to, I understand that the older lot, you know, they...

they want peace and quiet but we're trying to keep

young people coming through. Yeah.

"Oh it's great, Priory Hill, Nutts Farm,

there's loads to do for the kids."

One threatened to cut it down with a chainsaw.

If it's made of metal they won't be able to cut it down.

Reciprocating saw.Maybe an angle grinder.What's wrong with a park?!

Oh look at him, he's talking about his saws now, look.Over a park?

Yeah.

DANNY: 'As getting a playground in Priory earth was proving tricky...'

Oh, this is lovely today, innit? Lovely blue sky, dad.

Right up for this today, I am. Yeah?

DANNY: '..We cracked on with another idea to relieve the kids' boredom.'

You the football lot, yeah? You're here to sort the football?

Know where you're going? Go straight down there and to the right.

Would you have wanted to have been a footballer if you weren't an actor?

Could still be. Nutts, Nutts, Nutts, Nutts.

DANNY: 'So we got John, the groundsman

'for local club Sheppey United to give us a hand.'

Well, what d'you think of this bit of ground then?

It's a bit parched, Dan, but it'll do, won't it?

Don't want it too close to the vans.

So I'm thinking the pitch needs to be um...

..as close to this fence as possible, really.

Coming away at an angle?Yeah, I think so, what d'you reckon?

To keep it square. How big is five-a-side?

Should be 36-by-27,

but we're gonna go 30-by-20 to fit it in the field.

OK, gotcha. What about the kids,

how will they know how to do their teams and that?

What d'you mean?How will they go, "I'm the five, you're the..."

We don't get involved in that bollocks, we just give 'em a pitch.

They probably should do, like, slot bookings and that, shouldn't-

You're worrying about shit we don't have to worry about, right?

We provide 'em a pitch,

and then they can deal with the rest of it.Yeah.

Oh, it is quite big.

So, this is to the centre of the goal at the minute,

so ten metres in, ten metres that way.

Oh right, so we're going that way are we?

So this will be the centre of the goal down to there.

Yeah so, lovely, yeah, gotcha. Love that.

DANNY: 'We just needed to get the posts in the ground

'before anyone else could complain.'

# THE JAM: Start! #

Got it.

Crisp, white goals, look.

Love that.

I'll let you crack on, yeah? Yeah, all over it like a rash, Dan.

I see you watching on, we're just doing a little five-a-side pitch here

and, uh, I was thinking I was gonna draft you up.

I cannae see the ball unless it's got a bell in it.

How d'you feel about having a pitch here?

I know it's- there's been a little bit of debate over the sense of...

Why?Some people don't want noise. So how d'you feel about it?

No problem.Oh, you're with us? Oh, good.Oh, good.

How long you had a van down here for?

Oh, I'm now 80.

Wow, OK.

And I bought the first caravan down here when I was 18.

Aww. Aww, the good old days, eh?

Oh, wow.So you've had your kids coming through and...

Yeah...so you've managed to keep the tradition going.

'Course me and Dani, you know, we've been here a while now

and that's what we're trying to do, really, is trying to...

you know, keep the place interesting. It's the young people coming through,

hence why I've done the football pitch because if there's nothing for young people to do here,

they won't buy a van down here-That reminds me of when Harry was here,

Harry Redknapp. Oh go on, Harry, I know Harry, yes.

Yeah. Senior. Senior.

Yeah.His father... So, Harry's dad?

Yeah. Was in a caravan next to ours,

he used to do a five-a-side here on a Sunday.

Really? Yeah. That went on for a few years.

Wow.So there's always been, that's what I'm saying,

soon as I see the post go up, yeah, brings back memories.

Well, OK. Well what an absolute pleasure.

What a wonderful man. Take care mate.

Lovely to see you my darling. Yeah, and nice to meet you as well.

Lovely to meet you. See you soon. You take care.

Have a lovely day, enjoy yourself, whatever you're doing today.

Is a good idea. Yeah, that was a lovely little idea.

Think the idea of me putting a call in to Harry.

Yeah.The kids know who he is 'cos he won the Jungle,

he's a West Ham legend, even though he did fucking go to Tottenham.

But we'll let all that go for now.

And I think if we can roll Harry in, get a little team together,

yeah, could be the launch of the uh, the old five-a-side football pitch,

on Nutts Farm.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

I bumped in to a lovely old geezer called Bernard

and he mentioned your name.

He said, "Listen, Harry used to come down here with his with his dad."

Oh, yeah.And all that sort of stuff and I thought no way, I said,

"What, Harry's had a caravan down Nutts Farm?" Is that true, Harry?

Nutts Farm. Oh, we lived in Nutts...

when I was a kid in the youth team there

we'd all come down the caravan for a week,

we had the time of our life down in Nutts Farm.

Oh, that's amazing. Well look, I'm down here, right,

and I'm trying to run it with my daughter, Dani.

Now, it's been up and down, I'm not gonna fucking lie.

I was wondering if you fancied coming down, have a little reminisce...

Yeah, love to...right, come and have a little mooch about.

I'm gonna get the staff together, and we're gonna get a little team,

and the residents, they're gonna get a little team together

and I was wondering if you'd come down, manage the residents,

we'll have a kick about.Course. I wanna make this a tradition again,

and we'll see how we go, eh? Lovely, Danny, look forward to it.

Ah, good boy, I'll be in touch, son, lots of love.Cheers, Dan.

God bless ya, God bless ya. Bye mate, bye Danny.

Oh, what a touch. What a touch.

Eh?

Bit of Harry Redknapp on the firm, see.

Amazing. That's all you need.

DANNY: 'That evening, it was time to go from a game I love

'to one I couldn't stand.

'Bingo.

'It's not just a religion for die-hard residents,

'it's also a significant source of income for the park.'

I love bingo.

Absolutely love it.

You get to meet people and you're having a laugh,

and you meet all different walks of life.

I look a pretty girl now.

Good evening one and all,

and welcome to the Friday Club,

it's bingo time.

It brings people in from other sites. People that are not even on our camp.

DANNY: 'Last year alone, over 3,000 people played on Priory,

'with pay-outs totalling over a 104 grand.'

I absolutely hated it.

When I first come down here, I would not do it.

And all it takes is a little win,

and then you're hooked. That's it. Yeah.

We're starting with a three, d'you want that three?

Yeah, just that one, yeah, definitely.

Everyone sits in the same tables, yeah.

I've sat in the same table for 17 years,

every night, minus maybe one or two.

DANNY: 'After the 80s night, I've started wondering what else

'in the entertainment needed a shake-up,

'and bingo taking up three nights a week

'felt like a good place to start.'

I like a bit of bingo. Do ya?

Yeah. I used to go with nanny, didn't I, on a Sunday?

Yeah, you did, you're right.

You'd better not win in here.

They'll think it's rigged.

Yeah, they would think it's rigged.

OK, page down on to your pink ticket now.

Pink ticket. Where's the pink one?

Right, here's your pink ticket, right. Come on, you can...

Fucking doing it.

Stop being silly. Right, here you go, ready?

First number's five and eight, 58.

Seven and eight, 78.

Seven and one, 71.

Yeah, I can't do, he's too quick for me.

He's too fast.

Six and five, 65.

Ain't that fast.

What, to find the numbers and all that bollocks there?76.

Two and six, 26.

Nine-oh, blind 90. Makes no sense to me, that don't.

You crack on.

Six and seven, 67.

Seven-oh, blind 70.

I can't work it out, darlin.

Yeah.

Eight and seven, 87.

Five and nine, 59.

Can't keep up, it's too fast.

But yet intense,

fast and tense.

And of course, you can't go, "Oh I didn't hear that one",

'cos you'd get fucking glassed in there.

So no, I can't sit in there, that's not for me.

I'm gonna have to read out the numbers at some point, as well,

and that's fucking petrifying, it's...

it's more frightening to me than doing Pinter

live at the West End stage and that's the fucking truth.

That is scary shit.

HARRY: Leysdown was always, like,

it was a big part of our life, you know.

Back in the day, my mum and dad had a caravan on Nutts Farm.

And we used to come down here weekends,

my dad would finish work in the docks,

he worked in the docks all his life,

and my mum used to work in the cake factory,

and they'd finish work and every Friday night,

get the old green coach out of Poplar and head down to Leysdown.

That was our weekend. It was fantastic.

My dad was football mad, sport was his life.

And all the kids would come over, like,

"Harry, can we get a team? We wanna play"

and he'd organise, he'd have a game against the...

the Priory would play Nutts Farm on the field.

Ain't changed that much round here, you know.

The Rose & Crown's still there, look.

That's where they'd have a punch-up on Saturday night.

There'd be people singing on the mic in there and it's,

yeah, just...

Same old, same old, brilliant.

My career's taken me from sort of West Ham, Tottenham,

you know, Portsmouth, Bournemouth.

You know, managed against Fergie and Mourinho,

Wenger, everybody really, haven't I?

But if I can't beat Danny then I really do think I should retire.

Here he is! Hello.Alright, Dan.

Good to see you, son. You alright, mate? How you doing?

Lovely to see you. Alright Dani. How are ya?

Lovely to meet you.Welcome, mate, welcome. Here he is, look at him.

This is Jimi.Hi. Hello, mate, so nice to meet you.

Nice to see ya.So Jimi's- this is Jimi's family's gaff.

I remember meeting your old man. Yeah, yeah.

He used to come out shouting at us. No!

Now when I first arrived here,

I realised there was a bit of rivalry between Priory and Nutts.

Yeah.Now I didn't know all this. They don't really get on.

You know, you've got the caravan lot, which would've been your lot

and the chalet lot. Now when I was a kid...

I had one of them caravans that had no khazi in it.

That's right, so did we, yeah, yeah.

Right, so we used to look up to people with chalets.

And now the roles have reversed, the chalets only go for about five grand.

Really?And these are going for 40-odd grand.Really?

I suppose when you was here, you wouldn't have had

these sort of vans down here, would you?

No. All little, proper little old caravans.Diddy ones, ain't they?

Here he is, look at him, living it up, old Bernard here, look.

Let's go and say hello to Bernard.

Brought someone down to see you, Bernard.

Bernard, how you doing? How are ya?

Well we got him down here, we got him down here.

I see in you, it's like reincarnation of your dad.

I know, yeah. And I do that...

my missus said, "You do that with your hair"-Yeah.

My dad was always doing that. Right, so anyway, Bernard,

I bumped in to you the other week and you were telling me about, you know,

the old football that we used to have down here back in the day,

and you come up with a lovely idea that we should try and bring it back.

Which then you started to speak about Harry.

Yeah, 'cos I remember you coming down every season.

Course, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But he was the one, we used to go over there on a Sunday afternoon,

the whole campsite, literally, used to be round that football pitch.

Really?Have a game. So what was it, five-a-side?

Yeah, five-a-side.Yes. Competitions between the camps.

Well that's inevitably that's what I want.

So we can have a game with the staff- Yeah...against the residents.

And you're on the residents' side.

Well he's the man for the residents, of course.

And uh, hopefully, it starts it off that every year

they start playing other campsites. Little Bros, you got Arts, you got...

So really I wanted to start a tradition.Brilliant.

Where d'you think your old van was then, Harry?

The old van... Bernard knows exactly.

There. Where Steve's van is.

What, this one, here? Yeah.

Let's have a look at that one, then, H. Eh?

Bernie, lovely to see you.Take care.Keep well, keep well, mate.

Look at this one here though, the posh glass, look.Blimey.

Could live in there. How long have yous had this plot?

Twelve years. We bought it off of Harry's niece, our cousin.

You did?We did. And then, what's there not to like about it?

And when you turn round here... Well, no, it's a good plot here.

Gotta say.Fantastic.Yeah.

We're gonna have a little just sit in front of your plot if you don't mind.

Yeah.Take a pew, son. Alright, Danny Boy.

I've, um, you know, I've bit off a little bit more than I can chew.

I didn't realise, you know, uh, you know, how difficult-

For one, I'm not a businessman, Harry, I've never been,

I've never run a business. It's been hard, mate, it's been hard.

It's a great spot, Dan, I mean, Leysdown, it's an hidden gem,

I think it's brilliant.It is mate, it is. It really is mate.

Your old man has been absolutely smashing the crews.

Oh, absolutely. So we need to change the barrel.

You've gotta get it in the right spot.That in?

That's in, yeah. Think so. Ooh, something's spitting at me.

(AIR WHOOSHES) Oh there we go, it's in.

That's it, push that down. Yeah, push it down.

Tap that little button there, the bit up there should turn green.

Great. Lovely.

Here we go, here's our little pitch, look. Look.

Perfect. Perfect innit? Look.

Bit Jekyll on the old corner flag but that'll do.

Yeah.So, Harry, this is Paul who owns the site.

How are you?Good, cheers, what an honour it is to meet you, mate.

The wonderful Mark. Harry, nice to meet you, mate.

Mark's a good handyman. It's been played on a lot,

they've only been in for like relatively five minutes, ain't they?

And the kids have been all over it. Good to see the kids playing.

That's all I wanna hear. Get 'em out here.

Obviously Harry's come over, he's gonna manage the residents.Yeah.

The residents? Yes. Well, because he was a resident.

Yeah.Right, his old man started the football off years ago.

Who have we got managing us then? Well me. What d'you mean who's fuck-

Me.What, so they've got a Premier Leage manager

and we've got Mean Machine's Billy the Limpet?Good film, that.

Billy gets a winning goal at the end if you remember rightly.

Who's the ref? Pierluigi Collina?

We've got a proper ref coming down. Proper ref.Don't worry, yeah,

Got a proper geezer coming down, wave him on.See ya later, boys.

We'll see you at the game. Ain't these vans lovely though?

They're lovely, you know. All got lovely decking.Oh, my God.

DANNY: 'With the big game only a couple of weeks away,

'I was feeling good.

'Cue a letter from Swale Council.'

Dan. Alright babe.

I've got some news. Go on.

"Your submission has been received for the above proposal."

Yeah."Unfortunately-"Oh. "-we require further information

to enable us to validate the application.

If you wish to proceed with this application,

please provide the following listed below."

Go on.

"It is not clear from the red outline on the site location plan

where the proposed works will be carried out."

I told you this when we done the bollocky square.Nah. I don't think-

I don't know why you'd have a slide up against the fence.

"Please amend the red outline so that it includes

where the proposed development of the main- the highway..."

That's bad fucking grammar. Yeah, that's bad.

"Including the access to the main highway...

The location plan should be based on an up-to-date map...

And the owner's ownership outlined in blue...

Direction of north must be shown...

Identify sufficient roads...

Scale bar should be included... Landscaping, car park...

Biodiversity..." Oh no, it gets better,

"The fee required for this type of application is 2,578,

therefore an additional payment of 1,990 is required."

See, they want more fucking money out of me.

We've got it wrong, and it says resubmit and pay 'em.

Have you finished yours? Yeah, I've sucked that right off.

Now I want a Moretti.

I love you but... I don't want moustache germs on there.

What, in my moustache?

The only thing in my moustache is your mother.

There's not much totty down here for us to look at.Oh no, no.

You can look. That's it.

But my grandkids would be horrified, yeah.

Oh yeah.Especially when her son was out that day,

and he walked on the one that does the muscle man.

Oh, Barry.And when he went by, I went, "Oh I would,"

and she went, "Excuse me, that's my grandson."(LAUGHTER)

DANNY: A few days later, it was time for my training

'with bingo Jedi, Paul.'

Right.Right. Bit of bingo selling then, mate.

Right, bingo. What is all this?

There's a bit of a spiel to it.

Come and get your books, your bingo books, ladies and gentlemen.

No, not everyone wants the same.

So a standard set would be six of them.Six of them.

So, top and bottom, you can't sell going over the middle 'cos

you're gonna have different numbers. These, second chance flyer,

one of those blue flyer, and just one of these, open the box.

So we play an eight page main, so we go front to back in the main books,

one game at a time, one line, two lines, full house on each game.

You- I've- I've gone. You've lost me already, mate.

DANNY: 'Baffled, we moved on to selling ticket books.'

Someone comes up, right. I go, "What d'you want?"

Yeah. Maybe be a little bit more polite.

"OK then babe, what d'you- Babe, you look lovely.

Er, what you after my little sweets?

What d'you want back round ya?" (SNIFFS)

I'll have six two second chance,

one flyer, two open the box,

and I'll have two oddies as well. Alright, OK.

Well pick up what you need darlin, they're all here.No, no, no, no.

You know what they are. Seems like a lot of fucking trouble, dunnit?

Yeah, but it's a big lure though mate, bingo is a big-

Always has been as well for a long time.Yeah I know it is.

So two of them, two of them- No, one of them.

One of them.Yeah. One of them.Two of them.

Two of them. Why two of them? That's what they want.

So that's six quid. Two second chance.Seven, eight.

Nine, ten. One flyer. Two open the box.

Ten, eleven quid. No.

Say it again.Six. "Six what, babe, what d'you want?"

Six. I want a six, one blue flyer.

Right, so that's six, seven, eight. But I want eight,

but I want them odd though. So why they being a (BLEEP) about it?

Because that's-Why don't you tell me eight, I'll give you the eight.

And then I'll give you the two second chances.

They want their oddies to be odd.

DANNY: 'Next, it was on to the park's very own Commodore 64 Death Star.'

Two and three, 23.

One.

No, "On its own, number one."

So when it's on its jack... Yeah.

Three and three, 33.

"All the threes, 33."

What, so you always do that do you? Yeah.

All the sixes, 66.

We need someone to call up really now.Yeah.

So hold up, so when someone goes- what do they say?

They say, here ya! Hold on, hold on. Now what happens?

Paul will go along now to that table.

Paul, any chance... You didn't say line called.

Line called.

Paul will do that. Paul? Oh no, Paul does it.

No, no, you say, "line called."

One of you, make your mind up, who's doing it?You.

Right, so I've just had my 'here ya' that's a line call.

Any value, Paul? One, two, three, four.

So we press that red button there.

So I press the red. Type in, what did he say?

Oh fucking hell, gotta type shit in now, look.One, two, three, four.

And it'll say 'not valid' 'cos it ain't a winner.

False call. So if that was right then,

you would say, "that's good for a line."

That's good for the line, that is.

Now we say mark number 64 on your second chance.

You've got that second chance thing, right?Course I ain't.

You might as well be talking to me in fucking Arabic.

This bingo game is confusing, I've underestimated it.

And I'll tell you something else, I could do without it.

Right, let's have a little dip. Too hot out here.

Couple of tinnies. Beautiful.

Come here. Aah.Yes, boy.

Let's have a kiss. No. Don't be doing that.

(LAUGHTER)

I love you but not that much. Where's me rubber duck?

Ah, look at 'em.

When I saw yous coming over here I thought,

"Who's these athletes coming over here?

Perhaps they're training for the next Olympics."

Yeah, exactly.So, look, I brought you over here because...

we've got the little five-a-side pitch.

I would like to kick it off with a match.

I thought what we'd do today is see if anyone's got anything about 'em.

Anything. Helen, have you ever played football, darlin?

I'm gonna go for no.

Have you...? Bits and bobs with the kids.

So you have kicked a ball? Yeah.

When's the last time you played a competitive match?Never.

Never. You're young, look at him, look, full of spunk.

I play every week for a team now.

Lovely. Jim? I play FIFA.

Right. Mm.

I have played but- So you've played...not any more now.

Why's that?My knee. What's happened to your knee?

Got one ACL, in this leg, this one's gone, done.

Well, let's just start, just take a penalty at me,

let's see who can actually strike a ball.

Ready? (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Love that. You didn't even dive.

Oh... Oooh!

(BLOWS WHISTLE) I don't know what foot to use.

What, you don't know what footed you are?Nah.

What...what handed are you? Right.Kick with your right.

Oh you mug, you could've let me have that.

Who's up next?!

Oh!

Oh!

Whatever foot, you go in, we go out,

and then you're really close to the goal.

Love that, Dan, two feet.

Strike it, yeah! (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Come on Gracie!

Try and put a bit of effort in if you can.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Aaaargh! (LAUGHS)

# NEW ORDER: World In Motion #

Unlucky.

Go, go, go, take a shot Mark. Take a shot.

Oh!

Aargh! Save!

He's unbelievable goalkeeper.

(GROANS)

(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)

Well done, Paul.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

That's enough of that bollocks.

Right, well done everyone. I'm impressed there, we done well.

Nice couple of touches from Dan.

Helen nearly nutted one in.

I'm very impressed with Mark's goalkeeping skills.

Tell you what, stand half a chance here, done well with this team.

Back to the bar. Well done, everyone.

Yeah, I think we're fucked, to be honest.

Arsenal Al?

Arsenal Al?

Any chance?

He's always got a new Arsenal shirt on.

What year's this one?

Is this this year's? This is this year's one.

Got a proposition for you, Al. What's that?

I wanna get a team together, of the staff.

And we wanna have it with the residents.

Oh, right. So back in the day, didn't you say,

sure I heard you say you used to play over here and all that, didn't you?

Yeah.Games and all that sort of stuff. We're trying to bring it back,

so, Harry Redknapp, you a fan of Harry?

He's a good lad, yeah. No, he's good as gold,

and also, he used to have a van down here, back in the day, didn't he?

I think he was on Steve's plot. There you go.That's it, yeah.

So anyway, I've made a call, he's gonna come down

and I was thinking he could manage your team.Alright. That's fine.

Right? You wanna be captain or whatever,

get a few residents together, he can manage you. Against us lot.

I've seen the staff, who you got on the staff?

You've got a couple... Oh, struggling a bit.

I know, you've got that young lad who thinks he's a footballer,

goes out with Cat, can't think of his name.William.

Right, you've got a few youngsters. Mark ain't a bad keeper.

Yeah, but he's got a dodgy knee. Yeah, but he's in goal.

One dive and he'll be out.Jimi's never kicked a ball in his life.

He'll probably have a beer in his hand on the wing.

Um, there's a couple of youngsters over there I'm gonna nick.

Gotta be staff, though, yeah? Gotta be staff.

No worries young man.Top man, Al. Look forward to it, mate.

Next week yeah? Yeah, let's go to work.

And you've got Harry Redknapp as your manager.That'll be brilliant, yeah.

There you go, see. That's it. I'll tell them that.

See ya later. See you next week.

DANNY: 'Alan was onboard.

'And clearly already taking it far more seriously than me.'

(BLOWS WHISTLE) When you're ready. Roll it.

Nice.

Football on the pitch again. At Nutts!

It's been a long time.

Normally I'm having a beer with Alan.

Right, one sec. One sec.

I've seen a new Alan today. It's like he's a sergeant major,

he's, like, really professional. One of yous come on.

Guys, if you're kicking that way, put your hands up in the air.

(GRUNTS) (LAUGHTER)

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Right, guys, have a breather.

He's looking good as a goalkeeper, Aiden.

He hasn't done too bad, the guy with one arm.

Without a doubt. Yeah. Yeah.

So that gives us our 12 then.

Well done for turning up.

Good effort from all of yous. (APPLAUSE)

I hope you know that I'll be checking memberships, mate.

Checking memberships. Yeah.

I'm gonna check the staff passes.

You can. I won't get anyone that's not staff.

There's no one will get by me.

And your lot won't get by me either, mate. As they come on to the pitch,

I'm gonna be asking for their membership card,

if they ain't got one, then they can fuck off. Know what I mean?

Listen, I've got two girls who's gonna muller your girls,

they're like Rottweilers. You are worried.Why am I worried?

Why did you come and sit next to me at the bingo the other night?

Just to let you know that Connor is on our team

and you ain't having him. There's no chance.You look well worried.

No.You do. It's roasting out here.

I can see your hands, like that. No. Stable, mate.

Hold 'em out then, hold 'em out. Stable, mate.

About as good as your goalkeeping hands.Stable.

Hold yours out. Oh, no you're about 70, you will shake, won't ya?

Oh look. (LAUGHS) That's just natural.

(LAUGHTER)Right, I'll have to send you off, son.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Off you go.

DANNY: 'The big game was just days away.

'But I sadly had other things on my mind.'

Fancy yourself tonight on the bingo?

You got a preferred number Eda?

Yeah, I like Paul.

Well I might do if you don't mind.

Right, see yous later.

Ta-ta.

'Soon enough, my bingo numbers were finally up.

'And my big debut loomed.'

You're gonna have to go easy on me. Why's that, love?

Well, in case I fuck it up.

People take bingo seriously 'cos we're playing for money.

That's the bottom line,

if someone's messing around and it messes them up,

and then they should've won, they don't win,

and then they're losing out on money, then it's serious.

No one's gonna laugh that off. No.

So, he'll have to have a close eye on him at first.

(HORN HONKING)

How you getting on, boys, you alright?Alright.Cushty.

Going bingo later?

Um...

just local drug dealers, they won't be going to bingo.

Er, no, I've had some lessons, which I never thought I'd have.

None of it's gone in.

OK, let's make that clear.

So, let's see what happens.

Bingo is a very, very serious business.

A scary business, in a way. I like to fuck about,

have a laugh and a joke, and I can't do that in there.

I don't think they're happy about me getting involved in it.

You know, 'cos they're very sort of superstitious, so,

I've got to dig deep, and stay, you know, professional,

and do as I'm told.

Which is not easy.

I'd sort of roll these up but, uh...

but then I do automatically become Freddie Mercury.

Wish me luck.

Here they come. Here they come. Look at 'em all.

What you after? Knock me off that six...

So, what, two of these? Yeah.An odd three.

You want an odd three. I want the one with the red on.Why?

'Cos I just do. There you go, my darlin.

Thank you, sweetie. What you after?

Depends what you got.Whatever you want.One of each, please, darlin.

D'you think he's gonna call the bingo alright?

Well if he don't, then he's gonna get lynched.

Six, one, two, two.

One-Two. No, two.

Alright, alright. Fucking hell. One.

Can't get the staff now, can ya? No you can't.He's learning.

Just these two?Yes please.

Alright, boom.Getting a bit of a queue here lads, if you wanna-

Alright, fucking hell. He ain't stopped.

That was me, this queue would be gone by now.

Danny's done all these films, these hooligans, all these big hard men,

and it turns out the old dears at bingo

is gonna be the thing that scares him the most.

It took long enough, it's took him about an hour to do 'em. (LAUGHS)

But let's hope he don't muck up the ball when he's calling.

God help him if he does.

He better not fuck it up. We love our bingo. Oh, here we go.

Love bingo. It's bingo, it's bingo. (LAUGHS)

(BINGO JINGLE PLAYING)

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, you must bear with me,

it's the first time I've ever done this, it's daunting.

I know there's readies at stake.

Shall we have it then? Start on your lilac ticket first.

So we're starting on the lilac ticket first.

Looking for your line. Looking for your line.

Your first number. Your first number.

On its own, two.

Two and three, 23.

On its own, number seven.

Three seven, 37.

(WHISPERS) He's nice and clear, anyway.

Three and oh, 30.

(LAUGHS) Three and oh? Three and oh?

Three-oh, blind 30, then.

Giving it the big 'un.

Get it right. You're doing well actually.

Am I doing alright? Cos I- Yeah!Really well.

My arsehole's clenched up here, honestly. (LAUGHTER)

Eight and six, 86.

Six and nine, 69.

Any way up.

Any way up? (LAUGHTER)

Five and eight, 58 (DISTANT) Here.

That cut over there's called it.

Six, two, seven, four. Cheers mate.

Good for full house.

£20. Well done.

Didn't he do well, ladies and gents? Round of applause.

(APPLAUSE)

Cheers mate, see you later, yeah?

He was good. Good for him for having a go.

I still don't understand it, what the fuck is it about, bingo? Honestly.

He done alright. He done his best,

put it that way, he did do his best.

I had a little bit of a joke, you know, with the old, uh,

legs eleven and the old sixty- they liked the 69, didn't they?

The dirty bastards in there, eh.

So Danny's just sent me a voice note.

'Mark, my old son, hope you're well, baby.

'As you know, big game the weekend. Huge.

'So, you've been giving it the big 'un about your lawnmower skills,

'you know, being like, saying you're the best, lawnmowerer-'

I never said that. '..in Kent.

'So I want you to make that football pitch look like Wembley.'

Jesus Christ. 'Yeah?

'I want the white lines looking crisp,

'and I want the pitch to just look like a carpet.

'So, uh, can't wait to see it, son. Love you.'

I never said I'm the best fucking mower in Kent.

And this is gonna be polishing a turd,

making it look like Wembley is ridiculous.

It's Nutts Farm, it's never gonna be Wembley.

Not a chance.

(GROANS)

Alright, Mark?

Alright, mate, how's it going, alright?Yeah, alright.

Sorry about this, he wants it done again, for some reason.

What's wrong with it then? I've done it once.

I've no idea. I know Danny wants a flat pitch

but look, just look at it,

it's all gone, ain't it?

This is what he asked for. Is it?

He asked it to be cut short. Jeez.

It's too short. It's too short.

It's too short. Far too short.

DANNY: 'It was a beautiful morning for the beautiful game

'and time for Harry to check out the squad Alan had selected.'

Here he comes, here he comes, look. Alright boys? Girls?

Let's give him a clap. Hello, gaff.

Hello, son.

I've been given the old coaching manual.

Oh right. Right. (LAUGHTER)

How we doing?

This is the dream team. This is it.

DANNY: 'Whilst Harry was busy,

'we snuck over to get a closer look.'

He was in that same spot, alright,

let's say, I dunno, 60 years ago. Yeah.

I tell you what, get round the centre circle,

a little bit bigger, let's have a little, two in the middle.

Dad, don't he look good? Who, Harry? Yeah.Yeah.

OK, in we go.

Well done, there we go, now we're passing it.

OK, in you come.

It's good to see him over here again, innit?

He looks well, hope you look like that at his age.

Coach, out the way, they're going round there.

Go!

No, they look strong, they look good.

He's got great posture, Harry.

Stop looking at Harry's arse, what's the matter with ya?

Don't take it till it's over the line. Next one.

He's quite lively, that geezer. God.

Well done, well done. You can have a header.

Look at all this, I've done none of this with my team, look.

Header. Header. Header.

Sh- Oh my God! What a save that is.

Erm, are we worried?

Probably, yeah. Probably?

And the next one! Next one!

Back here! Here!

Yes! And back here, yes!

Well done, guys.

Anything else you wanna do, Harry? No, that's fine.

That'll do 'em, save their energy. It's instinct.

You know, you see your players, it's not difficult.

I think we look OK.

Oop.

It reminds me a little bit when I first went to Tottenham,

you know, team looks a little bit similar to that really.

Er, yeah, very similar.

Probably won't recognise me, but I recognise him

'cos I've seen him so many times on the TV.

But yeah, Harry Redknapp was one of our...

our little gang in Chrisp Street Market,

in Poplar, I say, over 60 year ago.

So, he's changed, I've changed,

but I'm gonna go and see if I can have a crafty cuddle.

DANNY: 'The big game had arrived.

'And with Darren pulling out because he'd forgotten he was on holiday,

'we stepped on to the Nutts turf to size up the competition.'

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

What a mob.

Oh, yes.

You alright? Look at the average age of these lot here, look.

Right, come over here, come over here.

We're gonna start with Mark in goal.

Me, over the start.

With Paul, and Will,

and then Dani up front to start.

Come on, let's beat 'em, don't let Danny beat us, please.

Got a little good luck message here, look.

All the best today. Remember everything that I've taught you.

Hope it goes well. Tell your dad pull his finger out,

don't be on the losing side. All the best.

He does look like he's under hostage, but that's always how he's been.

(LAUGHTER) Captains, please. Captains.

Yes, please, captains.

So we're going uphill first. Thank you very much sir.

God bless you. We'll not take it easy, let's not fuck about.

(WHISTLE)

# LUCIANO PAVAROTTI: NESSUN DORMA #

Good save.

Have some of that, Danny!

DANNY: 'It was clear we'd never be the first game on Match of the Day.

'But then, a rare moment of class came from my right trotter.'

(REF'S WHISTLE) (MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS)

Oh, fuck off. Oh, fuck off.

No one moaned, no one's complaining.

It was a great strike but, yeah, the tackle, nearly red card.

DANNY: 'But with that kick in the bollocks,

'it gave us some fire in our guts.

'And the game finally picked up.'

(MUSIC RESUMES)

Oh! Get some shots in at Jimi.

Fucking hell, Jimi's in goal.

Go, shoot!

(WHISTLE)

No score.

Gotta get some shots in. Just hit the target.

You're up that end now, we're swapping ends.

Ready guys? Alright, come on!

(WHISTLE) Oh, unlucky!

Go, go, go, go.

Come on!

Yeah!

(MUSIC FLOURISHES) Yeah, let's go!

Referee, where the VAR?

DANNY: 'Victory for the staff looked a dead cert.'

Sorry ref. Sorry ref.

DANNY: 'But as the minutes ticked away,

'the residents well and truly put us under the cosh.'

Yes, a save, what a save that is.

(MUSIC FLOURISHES) Yeah!

(WHISTLE)

Penalties. Penalties.

Should've won that, we got robbed for the first half.

Right, they nicked it at the end,

I'm sure they had six players on the pitch, but we'll wear it,

it's penalties, you've been unbelievable in goal.

Right, we've got some penalty takers.

Ready? (CHEERS)

(WHISTLE)

Yeah!

Yes!

Have some of that, Danny!

Great penalty.

Take your time.

(WHISTLE) Bit of a run up, Dan.

Ooh!

Unlucky. Oh.

(WHISTLE)

Ooh!

Come on!

(WHISTLE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

'I had to step up to keep us in the game.'

(WHISTLE)

(TEAM CHEER)

What a penalty that was.

'The pressure was now on Mark.'

(WHISTLE) Go on Mark.

'We had to score and it fell to Paul,

'a man who bleeds the blue and white of Priory Hill.'

(WHISTLE)

(TEAM CHEER)

# UEFA Champions League Anthem PLAYING #

Champions! Champions!

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(ALL CHANTING) Champions.

How's it been being back down here?

I've loved every minute of it, Danny, I promise you.

Proper people, proper play,

I just loved it. It's brought back so many great memories.

And you've made a lot of people happy today

and I really appreciate you coming down here.

Danny, you made me happy inviting me down. Love you Dan.

You just nicked it.Nothing in it was there?Thanks Harry.

Great game. (TEAM CHEERING)

How we doing?

How are ya? How you doing?

(CHUCKLES) We used to play at Chrisp Street Market.

Yeah. Chrisp Street Market.

Oh, my God, don't tell Sandra.

Don't tell Sandra.

How much money did the, er, residents pay you for you to disallow our goal?

Maybe next year you'll do better. Probably get a different ref.

Yeah, I don't blame you.

You will find when you go back to your motor

that all of the windows have been smashed to pieces,

and you've got no wheels left. Brilliant.

But welcome to Leysdown. Thank you very much.

Welcome to Leysdown. God bless you son, go on, on your way, go on.

Cheers, mate. On your way. Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking liberty.

Was a great finish as well. Was a lovely finish.

Ball's on the move, on the roll towards you.

I'm sure they had six players when they equalised,

but again...Definitely. ..we'll wear it.

Everyone played well, again, another good day,

hopefully it starts off a little trend. We've got the pitch now.

Yeah.We've had fun, everyone's got involved.

And I think no caravans were damaged.Everyone seems happy.

Well what about Darren, he's missed out.Who?

DANNY: 'Next time, we resuscitate our cursed playground plans.'

Is there any hands on here to grease?

Where's the cock area?

Uh, can't breathe. Get me out of here.

'I finally get to investigate the state of the Sheppey waters.'

I bet the sea ain't changed, is it?

Obviously there's more shit in it now. Cheers.

'And as our first year on the park comes to a close...'

I think I've took a lot on this year.Yeah.

'..our future feels uncertain.'

So I can only really make the decision, if you want us.

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