Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

I think it should be the generic questions.

Like, describe yourself in three words.

Um... Why have you entered the competition?Oh, God.

I think we should play it safe. OK, you're right.

Maybe.Not, "What's your favourite sex position?"

# BLUR: Parklife #

(VO) 'We struggled to get our heads round the numbers.'

Uh... We ain't done our research.

On the left-hand side, have a little look.

'I dragged a coach load of people down to show off my billboard,

and host an open day.' We've sold the Riverwood.

No, stop it.

'And there were still many resident demands going unmet.'

We have a lot of singers over here, and half of 'em are terrible.

There's absolutely nothing for the children at all.

# And they all go hand in hand

# Hand in hand Through their parklife #

(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)

# SOUL CONTROL: Chocolate # (EUROPOP MUSIC)

# Everybody in the world likes chocolate

# Un, dos, tres

# Mama, she says, "Roly Poly" Papa, he says, "Holy Moly"

# Everybody want a chocolate (A choco choco)...

This is another one of my, uh...

jobs on my long list of jobs.

Video editing, directing, filming. # Chocolate...

Like, it's always fun.

If not a little bit stressful in the editing room.

It'll be worth it cos the kids do love these videos

when they're on the TVs around the place.

# Chocolate (A choco choco)...

Nice. Let's pack this lot away then...

..and get in the, uh... editing suite.

(ON LAPTOP) # Choco choco, clap, clap...

You take this stuff seriously when you're making these videos.

As they've gone on, these videos, I've added more and more.

Some of these videos have been quite intense,

I think cos, um... I secretly want to be a...

an editor or a director or something, maybe.

# To the people On the left-hand side

# Wave to the people On the right-hand side...

Perfect. That is good enough for me.

I am done.

Ah, relax. It worked.

Upload it, put it on YouTube, on the screens tonight.

Hit me a coffee.

(UPBEAT, ROCK-STYLE ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC)

DANNY: I feel that I'm trying to juggle a lot.

And, uh... obviously, this place is important to me, but, uh...

just trying to, you know, make the gaff a bit more exciting.

Oh, no. Look at this, look. You're joking, look.

Oh, dear. Uh... Sam...

just have a pull over a minute.

Can you believe this?

Uh... (DISTANT HORN TOOTS)

Obviously, it's not a good look.

Mind you, the cars might enjoy it more now.

Right, let's ring Darren. (PHONE LINE RINGING)

(ON VOICEMAIL) 'Hello. Darren here, can't take your call. Please leave a message.'

I think you might want to come down to the advertising board.

Just come and have a little look.

(LORRY HORNS BLASTING) Uh...

It's changed somewhat.

(PHONE BLEEPS)

(SIRENS WAILING) (PHONE LINE RINGING)

Um... I've got to show you something, Dan.

DANI: (OVER PHONE) OK.

Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)

Like, has someone done this cos they don't like us?

I don't know, baby. Yeah, we've got to get that off...

Well, I've just, I've just called Darren and Paul,

and we have to make a decision on this because...

Take it bad? No, I don't get... no, no.

No, babe, listen, listen, what's a cock between friends?

Eh?(CHUCKLES) I love you.Love you.

I'll see you later. Bye, baby. Bye, babe. See you later. Bye-bye-bye.

(TRAFFIC RUMBLING)

Oh, here they are.

Sorry to bring you out here.

DARREN: No, you're not. No, I know.

I know. (LAUGHS)

It sort of starts here on the side. Have a little read.

"Van twats." Bit rude. And then, the big one.

(HORN BLARES)

PAUL: Oh. Did they do it in white first?

Yeah, oh, no, they're a proper outfit.

They've primed it. They've primed the cock.

Uh... And then, sort of gone again.

And always circumcised. Always.Yeah.(HORNS BLARING)

Right, look. Another motor seen me with a cock on me head.

Another motor. I mean, uh...

is it good publicity, do you think? No.

Alright, good. So, then, maybe we can rip it down,

and we don't speak of it ever again. Agreed.

(HORNS BLARING)

(SEA BIRDS CALLING, SQUAWKING)

(VO) 'It's been six months

since Dani and I invested in and took on Priory Hill.

And aside from the giant cock and balls graffitied on my nut,

things are looking alright.'

Done a lot of concreting before? No.

(MIXER WHIRRING)

'Empty pitches are down from 37 to 29.

We've also sold an additional six vacant caravans

and another five unused chalets,

with new enquiries up about 30%.'

And up.Oh, I fucked it, right at the end, look.(LAUGHS)

'The bar takings are up 20%.

And the park socials have added 4,000 more followers.

We're doing alright.'

I've got more chance of being knighted than getting it in there.

'But there's still room to build, learn,

and, most importantly, generate income.'

I've done it again. I'm stuck.

(CHUCKLES) Are you stuck?

'And that's where one of the biggest sources of revenue comes in.

Entertaining punters and getting them

into the Priory club buying booze.'

Throughout the year, we have sort of, like,

30-, 40-odd Saturday nights to fill up.

Daz has always done a great job at that.

Let's not forget, he's been doing it for a long time as well,

filling those entertainment slots up.

We've had comedians and comedian... comedy magicians and all that.

A few are alright, don't get me wrong, go down well.

But some just go down like such a sack of shit, you know.

(RHYTHMICAL MUSIC) 'Darren's been in charge

of the park's entertainment nights for 30 years.

But in the Residents' Meeting, they were scathing about it.'

Half of 'em are terrible.

How do you think it's going? This entertainment?

It's... It's a... It's a tough game.

First, it's a tough thing, isn't it? Yeah, it's tough

because I can't have the same thing too often.

This is my biggest struggle.

Solo singers on these quiet nights... is...

they're hard to come by cos there's only so many in the area.

Then, they start coming from further afield,

wanting a bit more money. 'Course they do.

They might be more professional. Might have been at it longer.

Tribute singers. Yeah.

But you're paying a bit more cos they're a bit more specialised.

So, you're trying to cater for everybody and it's impossible.

Yeah, it is. What's a bad night here?

In the sense of how many people? Ten.

Fucking hell. It's hard work for 'em.

I take it quite personally, more than I probably should.

But like you, I want to make a good night for everybody.Yes.

There was this one night I remember, I had the Cheeky Girls down here.

The actual Cheeky Girls? The Cheeky Girls.

Not a single person moved out of that hall after bingo. Everyone stayed where they were.

Did they really?The Cheeky Girls got up on that stage...And smashed it.

They sung their two songs. They've only got one song. # We Are The Cheeky Girls #

Sung that, and then, they sat on that stage

and signed every person in that hall's autograph.

God bless them.They sat there for a couple of hours at least.

So, we need... we need something else. We need something different.

Something new.Alright. Something that gets people in this club spending readies.

OK. And buying drink,

and enjoying, you know, a night together.

And I was thinking about doing some auditions.Oh, right.

We just get some nutty acts down where we make them go,

"Maybe that might work." You'll know.

I can show you a few of the acts we've had over the years.

I got a... like an OG wall out the back there.An OG wall?

# We are the Cheeky Girls You are the Cheeky Girls #

So, this is the dressing room. This is it. They come in here,

get dressed, get changed. Wowsers. Frankie Vallie.

Yeah.Chuckle Truck. There's some classics up there.

It's a well throwback, some of these, ain't they?Yes.

What's the sort of prices on some of these people?

Solo singer, £250, £275.

Your tribute starts going up, £500, £600-

Depending on the act. ..£750. Depends on the act.

600 shots. So, how long's a set?

They'll do a 45, have a 15-minute break.And then, 45?Yeah.

So, the worst case scenario is you give someone 400, 500 shots,

there's ten people in the bar, you're weighing him on.

He's got the hump, you've got the hump, the ten people have got the hump.

You've lost money. Yep.

So, it's about ramming the bar out. Yeah.OK.

Obviously, I want your opinion on it, but...Yeah.

..you don't mind handing the reins over to me slightly.

I don't, but if I could be rolled in on it.

Absolutely.we've made mistakes before, haven't we?I would like...

We've all made mistakes. It's not, um...

I'll probably be able to give you advice. But if I take full responsibility,

then, I'm the one that can feel like shit if it doesn't work out.

Like I said, you can stand there and go, "Well...

all yous moaning about my acts." (LAUGHS)

Best of luck. Cheers, son.

It's a tough gig. Gonna fucking need it.

(RHYTHMICAL MUSIC)

(CHILDREN SCREAMING PLAYFULLY)

'Another issue raised at the Residents' Meeting was

that kids have nothing to do on site.'

(KNOCKS ON WINDOW) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello, you OK? MAN: Out you go.

Ah, hello. Come on!

Oh, that was a lovely smile.

Hi, are you giving me a cuddle?

Oh, my God, there's so many of you.

Hello.There's just a few. There's four more at home.

Four more? Four more. The oldest four.

How many do you have? Ten.Ten?

Did you always want ten? GARY AND ANITA: No.

Well, she might have done, I only ever wanted one.

You have to just look at each other and then you're pregnant, basically.

She's off. ANITA: That's alright.

She knows her way around the site. Oh, oh, she's fine.Yep.

She's perfectly fine. (CHUCKLES)

She'll come back when she's hungry.Yeah.

GIRL: I'll go with her. How do you do it?

Just logistics. OK.

Just being organised. It's a military operation.

Do you all sleep? (LAUGHS)Depends on him.

About three hours or four hours, if I'm lucky.It depends on this one.

Oh, babe.

How long have yous been coming down here for then?

17 years.

Weekends, school holidays, summer.

I mean, she's here pretty much the whole holiday.

What do you do then when you play?

We play on the bikes.

Yeah. Out on the field.Yeah.

There's no park, though, is there? No. And that's what this place is lacking.

But there is a park downtown, which we rarely go to.

Yeah, definitely... we're missing a park and that for the little ones.Yeah.

There's nothing for 'em to do. Yeah.

So, even they get bored, and I'll get,

"Dad, can you take us home? We're bored."

I mean, this place just is in desperate need of a playground.

Somewhere they can play, and, obviously, that's completely safe.

But I just have no idea how much it costs

and, like, where it would go.

When I was a little young chavvy -

"chavvy" means child - um...

the clubhouse was one of the most important parts of the,

of the, uh... of the whole park, right?

You know, it was like something you'd gear up to of a night.

So, you'd fuck about all day with your cousins having fun.

And then, you'd all get ready in your van...

and head over to the clubhouse to see what sort of entertainment was over there.

How can we make the clubhouse here somewhere that everyone wants to go?

Cos it's the heart and soul of this gaff,

of any gaff, any... any caravan, park.

You know, the clubhouse, the bowels, the belly, you know, this...

And... And gut health is very important.

It's the gut health of the caravan park.

(UPBEAT, RHYTHMICAL MUSIC)

'Knowing what I had to do, with help from some showbiz agents,

I pulled together a dazzling lineup.'

How are you? You alright? Here we fucking go.

'And with Darren already looking a bit put out...

..we got off to an interesting start.'

Obble-obble-obbacus, and the pizza has vanished.

You will book Ben Darley for your holiday park.

Danny, you're... you're an actor. Yeah?Yeah, I'm an actor. Yes.

What else did you want to do? I, uh...

I wanted to be a dancer.

A dancer? Yes. I wanted to dance.

'And then, it got really uncomfortable.'

We do find that reality TV legends, great at being hypnotised.

And so are slags. So, um...

(GASPS)(LAUGHS) So clasp your hands to...

Close your hands together. (UPBEAT, RHYTHMICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

I didn't like him calling you a slag. Oh, was he calling me a slag?

I think he was alluding to the fact that...Reality star.

Yeah, I think so.Well, fucking go and chin him then.Any chance?

I'm going to work with cards? Ooh.

Let's have a look. What have you got?

Oh, it's the stripper.

Did someone say fire?

BOTH: O-O-O-Oh!

W'hey, easy, fucking hell.

(LAUGHTER)

("AXEL F" BY CRAZY FROG PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

And it goes something like this.

("(I LEFT MY HEART) IN SAN FRANCISCO" BY TONY BENNETT PLAYS)

# The loveliness of Paris seems

# Somehow... #

DRAG QUEEN: # Down at the Pink Pony club

# I'm gonna keep on dancing

# Down in West Hollywood #

("AXEL F" BY CRAZY FROG PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

(MUSIC ENDS) PERFORMER: And we're done!

DANI: Yay! Well done. (APPLAUSE)

And now, I'm stuck. Do you want some help?

Fucking help him out here.

Alright, hold up, hold up, here you are.

Here we are, I gotcha.

That's it.Gotcha. Yeah, go on, son. I don't want to rip it.

Oh, God. You're really in there. Here we go.

I think, I think the getting out's better than the act.Yeah.

Watch it. Got to try and get it over his derby.Oh! Oh, there we go.Oh!

That's a workout. Well done. Well done.

Thanks so much.Well done. You smashed it.Well done.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

How do we think that went, Dan? I was entertained.

Yes, I was entertained.

I can't stop singing Pink Pony club now.Yeah.

He ain't booked anything from that. None really quite right for here.

As much as that contortionist was fantastic...

it's a three-minute act.

I think if he wants put on a big night,

he's got to go back to the drawing board.

And maybe he leans into his little black book of numbers and...

pulls something out the bag with some of his mates.

So...I suppose they've got their entertainment acts,

so to replace them,

there has to be someone that has to be better to replace.

Is there anyone better in that lineup to replace?

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(UPBEAT, RHYTHMICAL MUSIC)

'Five months since the Residents' Meeting,

there was still loads of things that needed to be addressed.

We planted a suggestions box

to help sift through the groans.'

(READS) "Exercise classes, yoga sessions

for adults as well as children."

We could do some exercise classes. I don't think

Leysdown's ready for yoga, darling.

"My suggestion is have a shave.

Your moustache is well pony."

(CHUCKLES) And they drew a pony.

What? "Can you get rid of campervan that smells of piss?

Blocking my view on Nutts Road."

Uh... OK, we'll look into that.

"Please liven up the menu. It's incredibly limited.

Where are the lentils and where is the couscous?"(SIGHS)

I don't like lentils. They don't agree with me.

Lentil...Fucking couscous. I hate... what is it? Hate couscous, what is it?

Lentils? Yeah, no.

No one eats lentils. Imagine the state of the khazis.

Yeah, it goes right through ya. (WHISTLES)

"Yakult?"

Is that the name of the person, or-It just says, "My suggestion is Yakult."

What does that mean? Let's have a look.

And then, they've done a little face. Is that a face?

I don't know what that means, "Yakult."

One o' them Yakult yogurts, innit? Oh.That have anti, uh...

It's good for the, um...Yes! Oh, see, I'm... I'm all about...

Probiotics. "PS: they want some real ale."

Oh, OK.

Oh, real ale again. "Real ale on draught."

"On selection." OK, no, sweet, lovely.In bottles.

That's alright then, innit? Not bad suggestions.No.

Some of them are something we need to chat with the boys about again,

cos, you know, is it doable to get some light ales and some real ales?

Still thinking about Yakult.

'Meanwhile...' Yakult?

'..Dani was on a mission to build a playground for the kids.

We just needed to agree on an ideal site.'

It's wet, this here. How much do you think this is gonna cost, babe?

About 20 grand, I think. (HORN TOOTS)

You alright, Pat, how you doing, baby?

Alright, thank you. Freezing cold. Yeah.You look lovely, darling.

We're just talking, Pat, about the idea of a park.No.What?

No. Oh, Pat.No.

Why not?You'll ruin this site, you put a park on here.

I've been on here 46 years... Yeah...right?

And all the kids play in the field.

You've got a park downtown.

Put it over Priory if you want one. Put it over there.

Well, I'll tell you what our concern was.

Priory has got it all.Yeah. Nutts has got fuck all.I know.

But we are fucking happy with it. Yeah, but no, you are.

Yeah, but... and I mean... But the kids ain't.

Yeah, but the kids play... all the little'uns, the big'uns,

they play football on here and all that.

You take that away...

But this area here, really...

It's a bit bare, Pat. There's nothing on here.

Yeah. But that's how it's been all these years.

And that's how everybody mixes.

My kids were streetwise down here.

All the kids mixed from all over the place.

Different world now, though, Pat. 'Course, it is.

They're not like that no more. Not streetwise now.

And it's a very different world that we're living in. Not down here, it ain't.

So, the only reason I'm saying it is, obviously, people like yourself,

you don't fancy having a park.

Why don't you want the park, though, Pat?The kids want a park.

You'll have people moaning, people in the caravans moaning,

"The noise of the kids," and all that.

Oh. You will get that, I'm telling you.

When the boys play football, people complain about football on here.

That's down to them, though. Yeah.That's what I'm saying.

If they... If they don't like it, don't be on the field.

What I'll say, what I'll say, Pat, is this:

we ain't gonna get some pony park.

I wanna spend money on it, not get a cheap one.

The thing about you saying there's a park down there,

I don't know anyone who's gonna let their kids go and have a mooch up there now.

I don't like having my kids out my sight. Ain't like when we were younger.

As long as you put it out the way, it's not near the caravans.

Yeah, that's alright.Yeah. Alright. That's a touch.

Right, OK.Right, my love, bye. Go on, on your way, girl. Go on.

I'll be over to see you soon, Pat, don't worry.

I do love her.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

'The auditions had failed to deliver.

So I called on a fellow EastEnders veteran

and Sheppey local.'

Welcome to the Kentish Riviera, my son.

Well, look, I, uh... Thanks, mate. What's this? The local brew?

Get that down your neck, yeah. 'Barry from EastEnders,

also known as Shaun Williamson.'

Take a seat. Now.

This is a beautiful gaff, Shaun. Do you come here often?

This is where I had my wedding reception.Is it?

We got married in a little church just around the corner. A tiny little church.

And then, you get on the old pony and trap,

and they bring you down there and you have your...Oh!

..you have your beano in that place there...

Oh, I've gotcha. ..attached to it. Yeah.

Right, so my gaff, Nutts Farm, Priory Hill, you're aware of this place?

Yes. Leysdown. Right, OK, good.

Because I'm trying to attack, uh... the entertainment.

But I've got to say, Shaun,

with you, you know, both EastEnders boys, we never... our paths never really crossed on EastEnders.

Although we... we ended up with the same bird, Janine. Weirdly.(LAUGHS)

Yeah, she pushed you down a fucking hill.She did.

My accountant's never forgiven her. Well, I'm... (LAUGHS)

Our paths have never crossed. But what I feel like

you've managed to do is you've come out of it,

and you was in the show,

you know, when it was watched by millions and millions.

You've actually used your brain and gone on,

and you're doing your amazing Barrioke now.

Basically, I go out, it's a karaoke road show.It's incredible.

So, I'll go out and sing the first song.

Then, I'm joined on stage by members of the audience, so every song's a duet or a trio.

Yep. Then, I'll finish up on a solo song.

So, it seems to have gone down alright.

What I'm trying to do is cater for adults and kids.

Right? Now, you need your adult entertainment at a certain point.Yeah.

But you also need someone to, you know, keep the kids entertained.

So, have you been auditioning tried-and-tested acts or... or...

have a lot of them been hopefuls who just want to...

Well, I've made a few calls and tried to get a few bods in and, uh...

you know, it's all been a bit left field and a bit weird

and a bit, uh... What... What is entertainment now, really?

What you do is bang on, which is immersive and getting 'em involved.

And, you know, I'm living a lot off nostalgia.

It ain't the '80s no more. Nah.

If in another universe the word gets out

that you have recreated the '80s... Yep.

..that could become a big thing for people to... to flock to.Nice.

But what you could do, I've had an idea is...

is that if... if you get, you know, a...

a someone whose face is reasonably well-known.Yep.

Most people might... might know what they look like,

and they've done a bit before, and they can sing and,

you know, do a bit of this and that, and then, uh...

maybe that could... maybe that could work.Yeah.

I, uh... It... It's... You know, I...

I mean, if I can roll you in at any point,

just even if you done a one-off night for me,

that would be amazing. I'd do it.I know you're scheduled.

I know you would.Well, it'd be an honour to be a part of it.

You're a fucking legend, Shaun. No worries.

God bless you. Be a pleasure to help you.

Legend.

(SLOW, RHYTHMICAL ELECTRIC AND ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)

(SCREWDRIVER WHIRRING, CLICKING)

(UPBEAT, RHYTHMICAL MUSIC)

Oh, yes, boys.

Jump on that second row.

'One of the requests from the suggestion box was

for a better selection of beers.

So, what better way to lift my spirits

than a little trip with the lads.'

Brought some road beers. Oh right, OK.

Set the palate. Ah.

'Back at base, Dani was getting her playground plans underway.'

Hello, how are you? I'm Dani. I'm not too bad.

I'm Mike, nice to meet you. Lovely to meet you, Mike.

Thanks for coming to see us today. No problem.

So, um... basically, here...

is their, like, swimming pool area. OK.

Over here, the Priory has obviously the clubhouse

and the swimming pool and everything, so, we was like,

"Oh, maybe we should do the park over at Nutts."

But then, actually it makes more sense if we have it here

because, obviously, they've got the swimming pool area,

they've got this nice bit of greenery.

I kind of agree with what you're saying.

because, if it's closer to the bar area, to the pool area...Yes.

..you've got that added dwell time.Yes.

So, people will spend longer on site...Yes.

..than trying to find other things outside of site.

Absolutely. And then, if they're here, and the kids are playing,

they're obviously spending more money over the bar,

which is increasing your profits and your revenues.

Let's get measuring, shall we? Let's do it.

(UPBEAT, RHYTHMICAL MUSIC)

'More beer sales at the park means

more money for entertainment bookings.

But was Priory Hill ready for hipsters posh pints?'

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) Here you go, chaps.

JIMI: Wow, what have we got here? Perfect. Right, OK. So...

what a lovely little platter. Mm. Double-check.There you go.

You're going left to right as well. Here we go.

Oh, that's lovely.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a lovely little drop, that.

They're all lovely.Sunday, got Pall Mall, Vienna Malt, Flake Totes.

Imagine explaining that in the bar. Yeah, I was just thinking that.

Cheers, cheers.Well done. Let's have a bang on this.

Oh, yeah, that's naughty. (SLURPS)

That's a nice little drop, 'n' all.

Jesus, chaps, you drank them a bit quicker than we were expecting.

(BURPS) Let's have a go. Yeah, come on, cheers, guys.

Including Belgian Waffles and Vermont Maple Syrup. Yeah.

Bit vinegary.Just what the old fellas on a Saturday afternoon have been asking for.

"Have you got any beer that tastes like Belgian waffles and maple syrup?"

Do you know what, I don't know what, I don't know what I'm getting here.

Uh... A flavour of freshly cut grass backed up with pine and citrus.

You know what else smells of, uh... freshly cut grass.

Spunk. (LAUGHS)

Does it?I did not think you were gonna say that.

Never heard that before.

I don't know what I'm getting, though.

Pissed. Yeah, liver disease.

This one we definitely couldn't sell in the club.

We don't want people getting absolutely shitfaced.

We've got a couple more cos you seem thirsty.

Wonderful. Lovely news.

Will, I suppose the other question would be, how much would they be?

A pint of 8.2%, we'd probably be looking about £8 or £9.

You was right. You called it, bro.

The reason it's more expensive is

because the higher the ABV, the more tax we pay on it.

So, unfortunately, that's usually passed on to the consumer.

I never even considered that. So we'd have to do the same

at the Priory Club, yeah. Well, it'd be that...

our... our cost comes from them.

So, they would charge us more for it.

Oh, the taxes charge them? We don't charge tax on our...

Yeah, they're paying the tax on that higher ABV.

So they would charge us more to buy it.I see, ah.

That's where the higher cost comes, so it will cost us more to buy it.

Oh, OK, I thought it... Well, it'll cost us more to sell then.

Because it will cost us more to buy. Yeah, yeah.

(UPBEAT, RHYTHMICAL MUSIC) (SLURPING)

I like that. Oh, I quite like that, yeah.

What's your favourite? We've been through a lot; can we remember?

I think for the Priory Club, Lumos and Capa.

Would you go and find out some numbers, Will?'Course, mate.

It's been lovely, yeah. I'll give you some readies.

I'm absolutely battered.

(BURPS)

(PLANTS RUSTLING SOFTLY)

WOMAN: Pop-Pop, bring your ball darling.

(GASPS) I'll get it, I'll get it. Look, right, here we go.

Go that way. Oops.

(LAUGHS) Is that good?

What a life we have. (LAUGHS)

Busy doing nothing.

(RHYTHMICAL DRUMMING)

(DISTANT SEA BIRDS CALLING)

'With Shaun Williamson kicking off

the suggested '80s night with Barrioke...

..all I now needed was to find a proper icon

from that era for the top slot.'

I need someone to round it off. Know what I mean?

I'm trying to rack my brains. I need...

I need a headline act.

So, they've got to be a certain age.

They've got to be someone that represents the '80s,

and, uh... it's got to be someone that is exciting,

and someone I can, you know, go, "That's a headline act."

But I just don't know what... Who... Who am I gonna get?

Who's about? Who's alive?

'It's all a bit of a blur now,

but a few days ago, we toured a brewery

and picked one to liven up the clubhouse bar.'

It smells like fucking fruit.

In the suggestion box... Yeah.

..someone wanted to try some pale ales.

You know, "Where's your ales?" How much real ale do we sell?

Honestly.Have you ever tried to sell real ale?

We had it on a pump before and everything. It used to go off.

It was lovely, nice. It used to go off?No one wants it.

No, but this ain't... this is more like a lager than a real ale.

It's a specialist thing.It is more like a lager than a real ale.

Foster's and Smirnoff Vodka, that's all I need to sell.

It's like a real ale. I liked that one, and you didn't.

You said it was too flat. Too strong.

What we don't want is people getting off their neck.

You don't mind it! He don't mind it! No, I don't fucking mind it.

Oh, no. Not for you, no? No, sorry.

Have a try of that. WOMAN: It's peachy, innit?

Mark wanted a pint of Foster's. Yeah, pint of Foster's.

I've got to go and change the barrel, Dan.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

WOMAN 2: What do you think? (BACKGROUND CHATTER)

No, not for you? He wants a Foster's, don't you, Ron?

(LAUGHTER) Bit fruity for you?

That's not too bad.4.4%, so you can get off your nut on it.

What kind of flower? Elderflower.Elderflower.

Yeah. Might be, innit? That's what it is.

It tastes a bit soapy, doesn't it? Like soap.

Bubbles when you talk. (LAUGHTER)

You'd think he'd know a bit his way around a bar after being in Eastenders, but...

(TILL CLATTERS)

I've learned to keep me Hampton out the way of that too, anyway.

Do you like it? No.No.

We've sold 5,500 pints of Foster's this season to now,

and I've sold about 20 bottles of real ale.

People like their lager. I'll tell you what we do. We make a decision on the weekend.

And I'm not including me and Jimi.

If no one buys this at the weekend, we'll scrap it.

Cheers, boys. Enjoy your Foster's.

(SLOW-TEMPO DRUM BEAT) (DISTANT SEA BIRDS CALLING)

'A week later, the playground designer had something to show us.'

What I've done is I've mocked up your area

to show you how it could look.

DANI: Yeah.Um... Based on the conversation we had, Dani, and...

and the stuff that you were looking at, um...

and wanted in there.

And this is what I came up with. Oh, wow!

Let's have a look at this, right. Oh, my God! Wow.

Holy smokes. As you go through there,

you'll also see it broken down into different pieces,

so you can see what... what each bit does.Sold.

I really love that. How much is that?

Uh... This comes in at about £55,000.

55 grand?

Yeah. What if you take away that... that?

It'd be just shy of 20 grand, wouldn't it?OK.

Now, we've got different options, but it's-Go on, let's have a look.

So, this one we did, and this was £60,000.

It's a bit chaotic for me. Then, we've got this one.

£140,000. 140 grand?

I mean, these are stunning, but... And there was a lot of groundwork.

I'd live in that. I'd move into it. I'd live in that.

Not for me. 200 grand.Oh, my...!

200 grand? Who would spend 200 grand on a park?

I mean, it is... look at that.

It's in... For 200 grand, though. Wow.

I'll blow your mind now then. 250 grand.

There we go. Fucking hell.

Yeah, based on a... It's got a castle.

I want to give these kids joy. Look at that castle.

But do I want to give 'em a quarter of a million pounds worth of joy?

Do you know what, listen, I'd get this,

but I don't think we can get planning permission for the size of it.

(CHUCKLES) Is that your excuse or your bank balance?

Well... Planning permission from bank...

I just don't think- ..or the council.

I just don't think they'll... just don't think they'll allow it.

Right, Mike, I need to, uh...

I love 'em all, mate, I do, and listen, I'm very frivolous.

He is very frivolous.But how frivolous do I want to be?Yeah.

And no, let's have it right, and I want to be honest,

it's seven quid for Lurpak butter at the moment.It is £7.Right.

Everything's expensive. But I've seen your fridge.

You had two Lurpaks open the other day.

They're big'uns. The biggest ones you could buy.

Who can afford two Lurpaks?

We're talking about quarter of a million pound for a park. Who buys two large Lurpaks?

Well, me, me. I like me butter.

I was in shock.I know. Middle class man now, ain't I?

'With designs and price tags, we went to see Alex,

the keeper of the purse strings.'

Right, now...

..I mean, I love 'em all. I love the one with the castle.

Now... Now, one of 'em's a quarter of a million pound.

Yeah, I know, darling, tell me about it.

So, there's one for 200 bags.

There's one for 50 grand, and one for 20.

I think 20 grand, I don't, I think that's enough.

I mean, 20 grand still feels so extortionate, doesn't it?

I mean, you can't- Must be the wood. I don't know.

Yeah, it's... it's all... it's the labour, it's...

Babe, it's seven quid for butter.

We're gonna have to go with the 20. Well, I think...

Yeah, why can't we go for the 50?

Because we haven't got 50 grand.

Have we not? No.

We're doing 20.

'With Alex on board, we sprinted towards the next hurdle.

Swale Borough Council.

Because on Sheppey, without planning permission,

you can't even build a sand castle.'

Go the other way. Cos I can remember, it's running along there, isn't it?

I'm sure it does. I'm sure it runs along there.

You do need to get this right, so they can approve it.

You can't say I want it there, and then, later on, you go,

"Oh, mate, what it is, I wanted it over there."

Right, that's that done. That looks lovely.

Lovely, perfect. Finish drawing?Finish it.

(READS) "Please describe details of the proposed development works.

We're creating a park for the...

uh... deprived children of Leysdown.

We are creating a park for... BOTH: ..deprived children...

..of Leysdown who need something to do.

Otherwise they'll be on drugs

before they're 15 of the Isle of Sheppey.

No get, put "deprived" in because... I'm not putting deprived.

"Please describe the current use of the site."Uh...

Literally grass.Yeah, uh... Empty plot.Going to waste.

"How will the service what will be disposed of?" Just put Mark.

(CHUCKLES)

"With respect to the authority is the applicant

or agent one of the following: Member of staff, an elected member,

related to a member of staff, related to an elected"

I'm an elected member, ain't I? Yeah, you're an elected.

I might put, "Most known as Mick Carter."

"Iconic pub landlord Mick Carter."

Right then, shall we, um... Submit it.

And then, we'll just fucking see what happens because...

honestly. Let's go.

(UPBEAT, RHYTHMICAL MUSIC)

'Three weeks since we started auditioning,

the '80s night had finally arrived

and our only confirmed act,

Shaun Williamson, had rocked up early.'

The Kentish Riviera at its finest. My word.

The Priory Club, the home of Entertainment.

Hello. You alright?

You ain't seen Danny Dyer, have you? No?

Oh, well let me know if you do, won't you?

Unbelievable.

Oh, here he is.

Hello. You drag me to some places. Look.

I need...Shaun, I do apologise about the weather.

It's unbelievable. Mind, you're a Leysdown man,

so you understand.

Oh, thanks for coming, mate. It's an absolute honour.

Hello, how are you? Hello!Good to see you. How are you?My little Dani.

Thanks so much.Here we are. This is the wonderful Darren.

Here ya are, Darren. Good to see ya.Pleasure to meet ya.

You've gone the extra mile here. We put balloons up.

(LAUGHTER) It's very '80s.

It looks like my 18th birthday party at the park with British Legion.

Ah, I'm taking that as a compliment, Shaun.Yeah.

Jim, are you... have you met Shaun?

This is Jimi who's, um... Hello, Jim. You alright, mate?

Good to see ya.We've been looking forward to this day.

This place is ingrained into Jimi cos it's been passed down, this site.

Really?Yeah, yeah.Generations. Family, family business.Lovely.

Fancy blowing up some balloons, Shaun?Go on.

Here you are.Here son. Good man. Let's see, all get mugs...

How long have you been doing Barrioke for?

Oh, that was a good start. Do you know what? Five years.

But we've been doing it about seven, but it doesn't count before COVID.

We only got a few in, and then, after, like, five years. Yeah.

So, I do me turn... You're gonna do your turn. Yeah.

..and then, you just finish with a bit of DJ, yeah.

I've got another guest, a special guest,

that's gonna be...

I'm waiting on a phone call at the moment for-Who is it?

Well, I don't want to say nothing yet because, uh...

It ain't confirmed.No. Fucking about, you know what I mean?

So, I don't know what that's about with these people. But an '80s, uh... an '80s cat.

So, is he... is... is he the warm up?

Uh... Well, he'll be on after you Shaun.

Um... Look, you're... you know, you're our special guest.

Don't worry about that. But, you know,

this cat, uh... brings the '80s. Uh...

So, he's... he's top of the bill then?

I don't know if he's top of the bill.

(OTHERS BLOWING UP BALLOONS)

So, for about five minutes, I thought I was the biggest name

Priory Hill had had here since 1951.

Now, I found out I'm not.

Now THAT is showbiz.

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)

Danny knows a lot of celebrities, obviously.

So it could literally be anyone, couldn't it?

He knows Robbie Williams. Ed Sheeran, I guess.

Jesus Christ.

No offence to Shaun, but, if Robbie Williams turns up tonight,

I think I'll shit myself. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

Oh, what a touch.

Yeah.

Well, I was gonna whack you on at about...

I was thinking about 8:00, 8:00-ish.

Yeah.

OK. Lovely.

Well, who are you bringing with? Are you coming on your Jack or...?

I really appreciate this, son, yeah, honestly.

You what?

What do you mean?

Right. (INDISTINCT BACKGROUND CHATTER)

Alright, well, get your agent to ping it over.

OK.

Alright, see you in a bit. Top man for this, I appreciate it.

What a touch. Right.

He's gonna ping me over a rider. His ag... His agent.

Right, let's have a look. Bum-bum-bum, oh, fuck it. Alright, here we go.

Yeah, fucking laugh, isn't he?

'The headline act wasn't the only one taking the piss.

The weather was at it, too,

and I was starting to worry no one would turn up.'

Unbelievable. No one about, Shaun, is there? A bit thin on the ground, innit?

Anyone about?

Come and get your Barrioke, folks. One night only.

We're hoping, uh... We're hoping they're all in there changing their drawers, Shaun.

Exactly. Getting their party kit on. Hello, mate.

Hello. Coming over the Clubhouse tonight?

In the clubhouse tonight? I put my name on.

Oh. Get in, brilliant.

We'll see you over there.

What's the names of the guys or girls?

Stan and Satan.

Hello, Stan and Satan! Satan!(LAUGHS)

Right, I think we better go, on that note. Right, OK.

See you later, Satan. Brilliant.

Anyone about?

Let's be having you.

Anyone?

Someone really famous? What, Oasis?

(LAUGHS) No.

Boy George. I'd love it to be Boy George.

# Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon #

Is he not there, is he?

Madonna? I wish! (LAUGHS)

Everyone's dressing up.

I don't know what '80s gear is for a man.

What is it? Was it bell bottoms?

DANNY: 'My headliner had confirmed,

but if showbiz had taught me anything,

it was to play it cool.' Do you like this walk?

This is the walk of a man.

DANI: Oh, yeah. You've got some moves there.I'm sort of standing and doing it.Yes.

This is a man who's pulled it out the fucking bag. What's the matter?

I got him. Martin Kemp. Shut up.Yes.

He's agreed to do it. He wants to do me a favour

cos he's a, you know, a kind soul.

Amazing.

Lovely geezer.He's so nice. He's gonna do a set, right, an hour.

But... But?

He's got a rider, Dan.

He wants one private lockable dressing room with toilet

for the sole use of the act.

So, somewhere for him to have a shit. No one else.Fair.

One reserved parking space. Sweet. Do that.That's fair.

One unopened bottle of Bollinger Champagne,

Moet, or Veuve.

Fair.What do you mean "fair"? Where the fuck am I gonna get Bollinger in Leysdown?

I didn't know he was a DJ, to be fair.

Yeah, I didn't know he was a diva either.

Two M&S prawn, chicken, tuna or bean wraps.

One small hand sanitiser gel.

I do like hand sanitiser. You got any? I was gonna ask ya.

I've got some. I do like- Just give him yours.

One pack of anti-bacterial wipes. Love it.

Oh, no, I'm down for that. Have you got anti-bacterial?

Got some anti-bacterial wipes. Oh, that's two off the fucking list.

Uh... It was a bottle of vodka, one packet of still water,

four cans of Diet Coke, two Red Bull.

And this is... this is where I'm fucked.

He wants two M&S prawn, chicken, tuna, or bean wraps.

Right, what you do is go out

and buy 'em from the cheapest shop possible.

Take all the wrapping off and say it's... it's M&S.

You just put 'em on a plate and clingfilm it.

This is why I love you, mate. This is what I'm saying.

But this is why, stick with me, kid. What am I?

A bottle of Tesco's own gin, tonic,

and a four finger Kit Kat. I know, mate. I know, mate.

No aggravation with you, and you're good.And... And I will shit with the public.

Ah, Dar. Alright, mate?

I bet you're very all over the gaff at the moment

with so much fucking celebrity around you.

Yeah, fucking... I'm still blown away, mate. Well, I've got another one.

Oh, go on. They replied to you.

Martin Kemp.

What, fucking Spandau Ballet?

Got the least talented Spandau, but...(LAUGHS)

..the thing is, I've just got to mooch out to get him some shit.

Is there a khazi out the back? There's a staff one.

Yeah, I've been in that one. That's fucked, that one. Uh...

One in the swimming pool. It's a bit wet in there, though.

He ain't gonna have a shit in the swimming pool.

The toilet's in the changing rooms. Oh, yeah.

They could get up this way as well, yeah.

'I needed to track down some grub for Martin's rider.

So, I left the team hard at work.' Oh, oh, hang on.

You've done it.Oh! He's done me. He's done me!

'I couldn't find an M&S on Sheppey, mainly because there ain't one.

So, I went for the next best thing.'

Wait till he gets a fucking load of this.

You know, hopefully Martin will...

will remember his old days in Spandau.

You know, I'm sure he's had plenty of dressing rooms like this,

but, uh... I don't think he's ever had a burger pasty.

You know, listen, if it works out, he might like it.

Maybe he will become a regular.

(PULSATING DANCE MUSIC)

'With the hall transformed back to the '80s...'

What have we become? I don't actually know.

We're so illuminous.

'..it was time to find out

if we'd done enough to give the residents a night to remember..

There we go. Here we fucking go.

Get in here, you little lot.

Tonight, stars in your eyes, I am George Michael.

There she is, look at our Jayne, look at her.

Are you gonna have a sing? Might do.

OK, well, you need to sign up over here. You can't just waltz up here.

Good effort, ladies and gentlemen, look at ya.

Oh, he's hit his nut already?

Nutts Farm Priory Hill, ladies and gentlemen, Barrioke.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (UPBEAT, FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS)

Hello, Priory Hill! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

# Mustang Danny...

# Ha! Alright...

'I was leaving the party in Shaun's hands

because my headline act had arrived.'

Danny. (CLAPS HANDS) Martin.

Look at you. Look at you, mate.

Look at ya. Oh, what a joy.

Great to see you, mate. I appreciate this.Great to see ya.

How many you got in there? Couple of thousand or something?Ah.

2,000?Hundred... Hundred people.Hundred?

Hundred people?No, no, I know, listen, I know you're big time.

But we're trying to do a good thing on this caravan site.

Of course, I'm here for you. They're good people.You know that.

I got the email from... about your rider.

Yeah, yeah. You got it all, right?

Uh... I'll show you what I got you. Alright, let's go.

# TINA TURNER: The Best # CROWD: # You're the best(Woo!)...

Can't hear ya!

# Better than all the rest...

Right. This is... This is your space. Now...

I... I, uh... I know you wanted your own khazi.

What? In here?No, no. Is it upstairs then?Right.

This is your... This is your plot. What? The whole thing?

This is it. Right, uh...

Now, I... like I said,

no... no M&S, right, but, uh...

Yeah.Got you a couple of buns. I did get you a wrap.

But, uh... I, uh...

..I've got you a beef burger pasty.

Three hours to get down here. No, I know, mate. I know.

Hundred people. You got me a beef burger...

There's about... (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)There's...

There's... There's about 110 out there.Oh.

Listen, they'll love ya down here.

Great, let's do it. Thanks, Martin.

I'll warm up in here. You're... You're...

You're on in about three-quarters of an hour.Alright.

I'll, um... Let me go...I won't do any dancing. There's not space.

# BLACK LACE: Agadoo # # To the left, to the right

# Jump up and down and do the knees

# Come and dance every night

# Sing with the hula melody...

They say don't meet your heroes.

And Barry from EastEnders is one of my heroes.

And he's a fucking legend. So, that saying is bollocks.

# ..Down on the shore

# Began a romance

# She showed me much more

# I showed her my pants...

Wooh! Naughty! Hey! Hey! Hey!

He's got me a dressing room with absolutely no space in it.

(CHUCKLED SCOFF)

A Chelsea bun, iced, with a cherry on top,

and a pasty.

# SOFT CELL: Tainted Love # # Take my tears

# And that's not nearly all

# Tainted love, Oh-oh-oh

# Tainted love...

# THE MONKEES: Daydream Believer # ALL: # Cheer up, Sleepy Jean

# Oh, what can it mean

# To a daydream believer

# And a homecoming queen?... #

I'd like to thank these two beautiful people.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

Thanks, Priory Hill, God bless. Barrioke, ladies and gentlemen.

PAUL: Your host, Shaun Williamson!

Shaun Williamson, ladies and gentlemen.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Danny Dyer everyone and Dani.

Not over. It's like an EastEnders reunion.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERS)

Got someone very special, he's drove three hours.

Come all this way to come and see you.

So, I want you to show this beauty -

he's a beautiful man, I'll tell you what -

show this man the love and respect he deserves.

(BOLD BRASS MUSIC) Ladies and gentlemen...

..I give you...

..Martin Kemp. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(SLOW, BOLD, POWERFUL BRASS MUSIC) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

Alright, let me hear your voices, come on!

# WHAM!: The Edge Of Heaven # # Take me to the edge of heaven... #

# WHAM!: I'm Your Man # # Baby, I'm your man...#

# QUEEN: Don't Stop Me Now # # Don't stop me now (Cos I'm havin' a good time)

# Don't stop me now (Cos I'm havin' a good time)

# And I don't wanna stop at all...

Oh, they love it, don't they?

# SPANDAU BALLET: Gold # # Luck has left me standing CROWD: # So ta-a-a-all

# Gold # Gold

# Always believe in your soul

# You've got the power to know

# You're indestructible

# Always believe in... #

Oh, God. Great night, mate.

Great night, mate, yeah. Great night.Amazing, wasn't it?

Jesus Christ. I'm gonna go on break.

What a night.

What a night, eh?

This has got to be 100% the Danny Dyer effect.

He's a grafter. He puts on a show like this tonight.

What more could I ask for?

(SINGING) You're indestructible,

# Always believe in...

Honestly, what a night.

I've got to say.

All the old girls out there gushing over Martin Kemp.

I mean, I... I... I... What a success story.

I think I've got to be a realist, though,

and think about...

the fact that I can't get Shaun and Martin Kemp every week.

I just can't do it. They're too busy.

So, I've got utmost respect for Darren.

Right? Because... you know...

so many acts that he gets in there,

some are shite, let's have it right,

but some have got something about 'em.

And I think it's a very, very tough gig.

But I suppose the only downside is no one wants me fucking craft beer.

And that's a real shame because,

you know, they need to open their palates, these people,

instead of Foster's, Foster's, Foster's.

So, yeah...

I think me and Jimi will get rid of the lot of it.

'Our playground woes continue.'

"Unfortunately, we require further information

to enable us to validate the application."

'But we have more luck sticking up some goalposts

with help from a resident of yesteryear.'

Here we go, here's our little pitch. Look. Look.

REDKNAPP: It's perfect. Perfect, isn't it, look?

'And I get stuck into bingo.'

This is so confusing. 'Badly.'

I mean, look at it all. Look, it's like a Spectrum... ZX Spectrum.

I've underestimated it.

# BLACK LACE: Agadoo #

(CHEERFUL, BRIGHT, BOUNCY SYNTH-POP MUSIC)

# Aga

# Doo, doo, doo Push pineapple, shake the tree

# Aga, doo, doo, doo

# Push pineapple, grind coffee

# To the left, to the right # Jump up and down onto the knees

# Come and dance every night

# Sing with the hula melody #

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