Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

You're not just a pretty face. - Are you? - I love it. I love it.

I think you should get a little job over here,

like, full time. What do you think we're doing?

At great expense, we'd stuck up a billboard.

It's so funny!

That no one liked.

Dani's bit is really sweet, and you look your way,

and you're deep throating a caravan.

'We held a sports day.' Oi, oi!

That got the park jumping.

I think it went a lot better than I expected, probably, to be fair.

I don't know how he pulled it off. No.

Action. This gaff's got everything.

And we shot an ad for social media to try

and sell Priory Hill's newest van. I was going to say.

We should probably bleep out the swearing too for the kids.

He's already posted it. Oh, right, well...

♪ BLUR: Parklife ♪ And they all go hand in hand

♪ Hand in hand through their parklife... ♪

It was a picture-perfect morning in Leysdown.

The sun was out. The birds were singing,

and the air was filled with the sweet aroma of...

...bin juice.

- What are you saying? - Have a look in - there. - What? Oh, Jesus Christ.

I had some gloves for you. Do you want some gloves?

Bit late now, Jim, innit? Oh, God.

How many BAFTA winners have done this? Hey?

Huh?

Wouldn't see Olivia Colman doing this bollocks, would you?

Not in a million years.

Good morning, Mr Dyer. You alright, my darlin'?

I want to have a balcony out here. OK.

- Alright. - If they can put a balcony on that one down there... Yep.

...and I've got more space than him, I don't see why I can't have one.

We'll have a chat then. I'm sure we can sort out something.

- Yeah, we'll have a chat. - Please have a chat. I've asked everyone,

and all I keep getting is, "Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah." Nothing.

I'll see. I promise you. - I'll get back to you. - Yeah.

Bye, everyone. Ta-ra, girl.

That's a nice little interjection, - getting moaned at. - Yeah.

It was now a couple of weeks since

we'd promoted our most expensive van, the Riverwood Lodge.

Ah, the office, the office.

Priced at a whopping 70,000.

Our next job was to see if any interested buyers would bite.

Talk to me about this, um, promo video.

Your directional debut, by the way. It got just under two million views.

- Can you believe that? - Just under two - - mil? - Just under two million. - Wow.

On our one video, do you know how many enquiries we've had?

Go on. Over 30.

Stop. So, if we don't sell this...

we've failed miserably. Yeah.

Now we need to get some people down here,

and we need to start trying to sell this van.

Fuck knows how you use this thing. You type numbers in? Absolutely not.

It's not my game all this, is it? Just dial the number and press ring.

I'm assuming that's it. It's ringing.

Hmm.

This is going well

Fuck is everyone?

They don't know who's on the phone, - who's ringing. - Spoilt little actor.

Get your little PA to do it, don't ya?

Hard innit, using a landline?

Know what it is about this? You've got to ring it quick

before it just starts - going beep, beep. - Yeah.

Can't I do redial? Do I just press that?

- Hello, Nutts Farm & Priory Hill. - No,

I have rung you.

Right, who am I ringing then? Kelly.

So, I'm hoping you get an answer here.

Don't, just do your own thing. What's the matter with you?

You won Love Island and can't make a phone call?

Well, it weren't really an intelligent show, was it?

Hello? Hello, is this Kelly?

Yes, speaking. Hello, it's Dani Dyer calling.

We heard that you was interested in a potential caravan?

Oh, amazing.

We didn't know if you wanted to, like, come down for a viewing?

- She got any readies? - Oh, amazing, thank you so much, Kelly.

No, I think you've done well there, - baby. - So, she's interested.

She could be a good buyer that one. Amazing.

We could say something about doing them a deal,

but just take the score off it. If we do like 62?

Sixty-two? That's taking fucking - eight grand off it. - I know, but...

No, I'm up for that. I'm up for doing it at 62.

That's when Mark showed up to watch the master at work.

It's Danny Dyer. How are you, son? You OK?

You've enquired about that caravan?

So, it's a good plot down there, mate. Right on the sea.

It's about 69 grand this caravan.

- OK, lovely. - Seventy-five. - Good. Love that. - Oh, 75?

Seventy-five, mate.

Seventy-five

It might be 75, I've just been told, but, well, actually,

no, bollocks, no. I'm not having that. 69.

Let us know in your own time. Bye, bye, bye.

- Seventy-five grand? - Yeah, why did we think it was cheaper than that?

Because that's what I was told, darlin'. 69,999.

- Why has it gone up? - So, when they brought it in at first..Right.

What was the price when it came in - at first? - Seventy.

Seventy, right, OK. So, - it goes on the plot, 70 bags. - Yeah,

and we thought we'd throw - in a big decking. - Which it needs.

Yeah. We've pretty much only charged half what the decking would cost.

I was gonna say, the decking's... It is over ten grands worth of decking.

I can't see us selling this for 75 grand, mate.

- That's a lot of money. - Go get yourself a villa in Benidorm for it.

I've seen them sell for 120, though. - What, on here? - No, not on here.

- No. - There you go. Oh, I'll see you in a bit anyway.

Dazza.

I just heard them saying on the phone that the van's 69,999.

Danny and Dani told the new customer that's coming to view it.

That's not right, is it? Nah.

I don't know where they got that - - from. - More like 78. - What do we do?

Well, that's not enough. - Yeah. - Not in the slightest.

If they advertise it like that though it's hard to...

- to say any different. - We put price on application, didn't we?

We did. I don't know where he's got that figure from.

I've got to take this in. Alright.

Once you tell someone something, you will be pissed off

that it's not right. You wanna have all the information.

But the press did write about it being 69,999,

so maybe he's picked it up from there.

Seventy's too low, mate. - Yeah. - Too low.

In excess of 75.

We need to push for 78, really. Yeah.

I'll let you discipline Danny. Yeah, I will.

I wouldn't spend 75 grand - on a caravan. - Er, I would.

To be fair I've got the shed in my garden, ain't I? That Jarrod got.

Well, it's a golf simulator, - wasn't it? - Golf simulator.

Which you are gonna turn into a shed because... Well,

I think he plays golf in there once.

He's never been back? No.

Still love him though, don't we? - Yeah, we love him. - Yeah.

Impulsive. Impulsive. Just like you, eh?

- Hello. - Hello, Dan. Trying to sell my caravan too cheap?

Well, I thought it was 69,999. Hmm.

Anywhere else in the country, mate, you'd be paying double that.

I'm telling ya. - Exactly. I know that. - No, I know.

So, just be straight with me. Yep.

What's the lowest? If they offer you 72, 73, mate...

72...tell them you're doing them a favour.

OK.I don't want to, but... I think I might have to.

You alright? What are you doing?

Where's my shoes? I don't know.

Did you not have a look for them just now? Oh, Ned.

Did you want to go for a walkies in a minute?

This is nice, innit? It's exactly it.

With our persistent phone bashing, we'd managed to set up three viewings

and with the bunters on route,

we had to make Riverwood Lodge look like it was worth

the revised 72 grand.

Lovely.

- Right. - Oh, what have they done - in here? - Oh!

Look, what's all this bollocks here, look?

Mind.

Where then? Out there for a second. Where?

Er...

Oh, look at this view though. Yeah. Look at them nutters.

That's it. Dump it under the sink. What do I do with this?

Oh, hello! Hello.

You OK?Yeah, you alright? - Hello. - How are you?

- Oh, are you our first? - Yeah! Yeah, I'm first. It's lovely.

Decor flowers. Decor flowers.

- Did you like the ad? - Love it. Do yous a caravan already or?

No, I had a caravan about 20 years ago in Eastchurch

when the children were little. But now they've grown up...

It was an old shitter. You want your own property.

But you want to have a mooch about, - have a mooch. - Yeah, I do, yeah.

- Lovely. - Is it plumbed in yet? Oh, they're quite big, ain't they?

You've got an ensuite here, haven't - you? - And a little walk-in wardrobe.

So, what are the months that you have to close up down here?

It's two months, ain't it? It's ten months, you're allowed to be-

From October till March. - No, it ain't. - Right.

What? No, I thought it was ten months you could be down here for.

So, what's the deposit you have to put down on this?

It depends... I mean, are you interested?

Do you know how much it is, this - - caravan? - I am. Yeah. - Go on.72.

Oh, you know. You do know.

I just wanna know the deposit

and what the monthly thing... Well, it depends...

Er...

We ain't done our research.

I won't ask you no more questions.

- Where's Mark? - Right, let me, erm... Let me find out.

Hello? What do you want for this?

10% deposit. Right, so a ten% deposit.

Yeah. They complete normally within seven days.

What do you mean? You have to pay it all up front?

It's what they do normally, yeah.

I mean, how quickly do you think you could buy this van?

Well, not in seven days. I was going to say, unless you...

I thought it was, like, you could get it on finance.

Or do you have to buy it all- Mark, could we get this on finance?

We don't do finance ourselves,

but you can get a personal - finance for it. - Yeah.

I'll call you back. Ta-ra, ta-ra. Alright, see you, in a bit.

Despite us making a hash of the questions,

Kelly still seemed keen.

Yeah, it's lovely. I mean, that kitchen is better

than my kitchen at home

But without Priory Hill offering finance,

anyone interested had a huge hurdle to clear.

Here's hoping the next punter, Ian, was feeling flush.

Now I heard a rumour, 46.

So, it was 69. Right.

Then they put the decking in, and the decking is over ten grand.

Right. So, it will take it up to 78.

- Right. - But they would do a deal - with you. - Right.

All our hopes of a quick sale rested on Chris from London.

What does he look like? Well, he's got a nice motor.

He's got a Range Rover. - Has he? - That's a good sign.

Come in. Come and have a look, son. Thanks very much.

It's lovely, innit? - It's beautiful, innit? - Yeah.

No, really nice, yeah.

I'd heard a rumour of 69. Ah, so you've heard this 69, right.

So, this is what we thought, - we made a mistake. - Yeah.

They're willing to do a price on it. A little deal.

Now I see you've turned up in a Range Rover. (DANI AND CHRIS LAUGH) So,

it means you have a few quid about - you. - I like the van. I like the plot.

There's another couple of places I wanna have a look at.

OK?OK.Cos some of them are offering, like,

free site fees, like one or two years.

If they're doing that, I'll have a chat with the boys.

If people are gonna put their hand in their pocket for a place like this,

proper money, then they should be offering

a couple of years free site fees. I agree. I agree.

There's a part of me that feels slightly guilty about the price.

I know, babe. That's cos you're a good person.

- I'm a shit businessman. - You are. Because I wanna look after people.

You'd give it to someone for free. I would do.

This is the most expensive van on - here by a mile. - Yeah. Oh, my God.

This is the most expensive one they've ever tried to sell, yeah.

Well, I think the thing is this.

1.9 million people viewed the video.

Loads of comments. Hundreds. Yeah.

And three people showed up. I know.

Knowing it would take a few days to hear back from our potential buyers,

I cracked on with some other pressing matters.

Right.

The lovely Jane at Sports Day won the mobility scooter race.

Her prize: a date with me.

Hopefully she likes prosecco. I think she's, er...

I think she's more into hard spirts.

Wish me luck.

Jane? You little salt. Your date's here.

Alright, love

Oh, look at her. Look.

Now I copped for this. Right, here you are.

Cheers Dan. - Hello. - Oh, right.

You haven't got no issue with me taking Jane out, have you?

What I'll say is, don't wait up.

And this little mob here, Jane, I don't want them following us either.

Alright, then. You lot can fuck off. Go on. Fuck off out of it.

Go on. Yeah, what will be, will be, Jane.

Ey? What will be, will be. See you later, guys.

Yeah? Yeah! See yous later.

♪ SPANDAU BALLET: True ♪

Me and you on a little date, any chance?

The Leysdown Carnival is a summer institution,

and I was keen for Priory Hill to enter.

A perfect way to connect with the locals and raise the park's profile.

Shall we go watch these DVDs then? Yeah.

'92, I'm guessing.

Look at Leysdown there, look. Heaving.

There's you. - Oh, that's me! - Straight off the van.

That's me and Alex and Neil sitting in the lorry, I think.

Dad's filming this. He always had a camera. There's many videos of us.

We haven't seen much of Dad in this.

He's always behind the camera. Yeah, innit?

But he would have loved all this. - Doing this now. - Yeah, mate.

With Danny. He was always trying to think of fun stuff to do.

The carnival was weeks off, but with plenty to sort out,

it was a great chance for everyone to muck in.

And this year, we were going with an enchanted undersea theme.

- How do I look? - Now that looks weird. I don't know.

Oh, who's done that one? Cos I don't - like that. - Sorry...

Sorry, Dan. Bloody hell.

Vandalism. That was my tag back in the day.

- Vandalism. - When I was a graffiti artist. Spraying my tag everywhere.

And many other things. Yep.

The rain ain't helping though, is - it? - The rain really ain't helping.

With carnival prep washed out...

we turned our attention to the three customers

who had viewed the Riverwood Lodge.

Now, obviously we've got to sell this fucking thing.

You've got three numbers. What we gonna do?

Give them all a chance - to put a bid in? - Yes.

Hello?

Is that the wonderful Kelly? It is.

Just following up on our lovely little meet that we had.

Just wondering if you want to make us an offer because...

there's a few bods that want it.

So, I've got 60 at the moment,

but I mean, to get the 72, I'm really struggling.

I totally understand that, darlin'. Yeah, alright. Thank you.

Have a lovely day my little darlin'. And you.

Oh, bless her. Why don't you be her financial advisor, eh?

I've got a lot on my plate. I'm "spunking" readies left, right

and centre, sweetheart. Fucking hell. So, if she does the 60,

then you just loan her what, 13 grand or something.

What, me? Yeah.

I will have to go in the jungle. Yeah, you will.

Alright, we got Chris.

Hello?

Hello, it's Dani Dyer calling.

Now, we just wanted to have a little follow up just to see, erm,

what you was thinking about the caravan cos I know you loved it.

Yeah, well, I did love it.

And I've set off immediately to source some finance. Unfortunately,

I've found that is a difficult product to actually get hold of,

and so I've had to look down a - different path, unfortunately. - No,

I get that. You didn't want to put all your eggs in one basket.

I totally get it. Oh, hold on.

Ah, here he is. How's it going? Alright?

Alright, winkle, you OK?Yeah, all - good, mate. You? - Let's go then. Ian.

- Hello? - Ah, Ian, how are we, sir? - It's Danny Dyer. - Alright.

Wondering if you are still up for putting a bid

in on this caravan? No, I'm not going to bid for that.

Ta-ra, son. - Thank you. - Ta-ra, mate.

Yeah, I think it's safe to say that all of their asses are flapped.

- Yeah. - What's the other alternative? A fucking open day.

An open day. Got to be over a bank - holiday. - It's gotta be end of May,

- otherwise there's no point. - I'm getting married. Do it without me.

Well, am I not coming to the wedding then?

Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, right, OK. Fucking hell.

Yous haven't done loads of open days before though,

- - have yous? - Only done one. - We didn't promote it, so it was dead quiet.

How many people turned up to your last?

I think we had, like, 12 people rock up, yeah.

Twelve people. Oh, babe.

As well as carnival prep, we now had an open day to sort.

With the cost-of-living sky high,

I needed to show we had homes for every budget

and move fast before sales dropped for summer.

You had an open day last year, - didn't ya? - Yeah.

Six people turned up. There was slightly more than that.

It was about 12. You fighting for 12 people, are ya?

We didn't want to invest a lot into it

not knowing how many people would turn up,

so if we could get more people to come down here,

we can make it a bigger event. Well, don't worry.

I'm going to sort out a coach load of people from London.

If anyone can get a bunch of Londoners down here, it's me.

I am very much supportive of open days. I think they're a great idea.

But... But we just need to make sure that the costs are managed.

Sports Day was great. It was great for the whole community.

- Brilliant actually. - But I did hear a rumour that it cost ten grand?

Yeah, but why... I thought that was quite a reasonable number.

Alright, so is that too much? I don't know.

That's quite a lot for a sports day. Is it?

What did you spend ten grand on? Yeah.

My one concern is, I don't think it actually brought in any revenue.

Yeah. I won't make a habit of it.

It's not sustainable to continue doing events that cost that much.

It won't happen again.

We're not going to guarantee that we're going to sell a caravan.

No, but then you've got to get them here.

And I just think maybe a social media post won't be enough,

and I think to get them here, I need to, you know,

do something about travel.

OK. - Alright? - Let's do it.

I'll get a coach down here. You need to sort some other shit out.

Banners. - Bunting. - Bunting.

Is it bunting? - Mmm. - What did you think it was?

I call it punting. Punting?

Do you know what punting is? I don't, no.

You do it in Oxford and Cambridge. Little boats with the sticks.

Oh, that's so lovely. They do that in The Notebook.

I don't think we can do punting here, could we?

You don't put punting in the sea. No, we're not going to do punting.

It says apply two coats. Do it again, what?

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

That's what it says. Should have done it yesterday.

Yeah, well. Cos it says leave overnight.

We'll just have to see what happens.

Carnival tradition meant we needed a queen for our float,

so later that week, we decided to sign up some glamorous grannies

for a competition to find her.

Let's hope someone... anyone turns up.

When you go grey, are you going to let yourself be grey?

If I've still got any hair.

That's the thing, they say you either go grey or bald.

Yeah. So...

- Bald. - I'll have to shave my nut off and just look like a thumb.

Hello. Lyn, look at you in your lace.

Why do you want to be part of it, - babe? - You've got to join in.

If something is going you've got to be in there

and have a go, ain't ya? No, no, babe, I get it.

Oh, hello, my little sweet. Aww.

It's so lovely to see you. What do you think of your chances, Sheila?

- What do you reckon? - Oh, it's just a - laugh. - It is a laugh, babe, yeah.

Hello. Hello.

Are you both entering? You can't be. We are, babes, yep.

- You're joking. - You're not a granny. - - I am. - Are you? - Wow.

Alright, my baby? How's my balcony?

Oh, shit. Yeah, she wanted a balcony.

Is it not... Still ain't sorted? - No. - We'll deal with that later.

Guess where I come from. West Ham.

- I am. - Do you know how I can tell? By the cut of your jib.

Alright. Thanks for entering.

And also, you are very, very glamorous.

Nice. Alright, babe, we'll see what we can do.

Oh, God. What?

You are a nightmare. You would flirt with a wall, you.

♪ SMALL FACES: Ogden's Nut Gone Flake ♪

It was clear to get more than a dozen people to an open day,

we'd have to spread the word high and wide.

Good morning. It's Sam on Breakfast, right through until 10:00.

I'm joined by two very special guests. I've got Danny Dyer

and his daughter, also Dani Dyer. Welcome to the show, guys.

We're gonna hold an open day. We want it to be special.

- Yeah. - We want a big open day and just bring some new bodies in.

Sheppey FM... ..Extra.

It's an absolute pleasure to have you both here with us.

We're going to hold an open day. Come and have a look, bring your kids.

And we need to advertise it.

We thought this was perfect. Keep it local.

Absolutely. Is that someone's ass?

Are we allowed to say that?

Alright, see you in a bit, my son.

Next, I went big and blagged a spot on national TV...

Blanked.

...to give us the best chance of drawing a crowd.

Love this show. It's been a while - since I've been on it. - How long?

And I'd invited Priory Hill's Del Boy and Rodney along for the ride.

Live & Kicking, Ed the Duck and all that.

This was the iconic place that everything was filmed, weren't it?

Blows my mind that I'm sitting outside Television Centre.

I don't have a fucking clue what it is, mate.

Oh, look at it, mate.

Hiya. Can I take you down to Danny? Oh, please. This is so exciting.

Follow me. This place is iconic, right?

Oh, yeah. Icons only.

I think he's going to get his dick out in a minute.

Oh, look at it. Sorry, I'll be right with you.

After you. Thank you.

So, I've put... So this is why I'm here, basically.

I've got the wonderful Darren and Mark here. Look at Darren and Mark.

They graft on there. They are the real heart of it, really.

And so, we're going to have an open day at Nutts Hill & Priory,

Nutts... Nutts Farm, Priory Hill, right?

Get the name right, Dan. It's a bit confusing

Cos there's two. They're part of the same thing.

It's in Leysdown in the Isle of Sheppey.

Will you still be tash-ed up then, - Dan. - I'll be tash-ed up, yes.

We'll have a bit of a barbecue, maybe,

but it's from, like, 2:00 till 5:00. I'm here on the tele just to say

come and get amongst it because there's some amazing caravans there.

It's a wonderful site, bring back the British holiday

and everything will be well.

Good job. Well done. Alright, how do you feel?

That was good. Great shout out. You've made your debut.

Made our debut on national TV.That - was a quality shout out. - I forgot...

You almost got the name right, - didn't you? - I know I did. I know.

Well, it's your own fault for having Nutts Farm and Priory Hill.

Why can't we call it one thing?

Right, let's have a plot here. These shows,

the power of the reach they've got.

If we can sell five caravans on the day,

we're flying, aren't we? - Everyone's happy. - Yeah, that's mad.

I'll get hold of the manufacturers, get them to bring some stock down.

And we'll have to talk about prices a little bit

because this is a one-day only offer. Open day special.

"If you don't fancy it today, then you'll never get this opportunity."

Throw the site fee in - maybe for this year. - Maybe.

It's going to work out well. It's all meant to be.

I can feel it. There's something in the air.

♪ THE STRANGLERS: Peaches ♪

With the open day fast approaching,

I asked my old man down to help get Priory Hill looking its best.

Oh, be careful. That's all we need,

- innit? - I know. I ain't got no clobber with me.

You might be a bit of a pony flying about in this water.

Yeah, I do love seeing the old man to be fair.

Just to try and roll him into this a bit more because, really,

the foundation of me being here

is because of him taking me down the caravan when I was a kid.

So, when you bought our van, which wasn't a static one,

remember how much you paid for it - back in the day? - About 300 quid.

Three hundred shots? Yeah. Yeah.

Some of the vans down here, 70 grand,

so I've got to tempt them in. That's more than I paid for my flat.

My old man left when I was nine. So, it didn't work out

and I was like, I wanted answers.

I was a bit like, "Well, hold on a minute.

My mate's fucking mum and dad are still together,

and they fucking hate each other."

You never really took me with you, painting? I was more...

I didn't want you to get in this game, did I? Good job I never,

- you wouldn't be doing this. - Running - a caravan site? Jesus Christ. - I know.

He's back in my life now, and I do look up to him, you know?

What do you make of me then, chucking readies into a caravan site?

Yeah, it's like the old days, innit? It ain't though, Pop. This is

the thing I'm trying to say. It ain't like that.

My old man is always a bit uptight

and a bit... Didn't wanna talk about anything.

Stuff that I'm sure he regrets he could have done

but never really had the tools to do it, you know?

Cos men back in the day were fucking men.

Although, he did cry at Escape to Victory,

when Pele scored the overhead kick.

But he's now absolutely coming out of his shell,

and he really tries with me and his grandkids

and also his great-grandchildren, and it's a beautiful thing to see.

You got faith in me? You think I'm gonna bring back

- the British holiday? - You got it - on your face. - I ain't, have I?

- You've got it on your tash. - Not in - - my tash. - It's on there. - Fuck's sake.

Knowing what's happened to Michael and the fact he's not around anymore

and for Alex and Jimi, it just makes me realise

how important it is to spend time with my old man.

And having him wrap around me as much as I can.

Tony's his name, painting's his game.

And whilst I was covered in paint,

Dani was with her mother,

knee deep in silk and lace.

Ready? Oh, my God!

Oh, wow!

It's beautiful, innit?

Oh. I could cry. Oh, it is stunning.

Yeah, look. We've got the glittery veil.

Beautiful. Oh, look at that!

What knickers are you going to wear? She weren't going to.

Let her hang free. Yeah.

Your wedding was amazing though, - Mum. - My wedding was so beautiful.

Would you have gone with - the same style again? - Yeah.

Wouldn't change nothing? Only the man.

You dickhead.

I'm just so proud of ya.

- Yeah, do you love it? - Mmm. Yeah. Aww, I'm glad you love it.

Now, can I tell you I'm not your biological mother?

Oh, it's a bit tricky this.

'Later that week, we still needed to find a Queen

to lead our float at the carnival.' Fucking ladder.

So, we set to work building a right royal stage for the auditions.

Oh, God. I think I've fucked this up.

♪ STEREOPHONICS: Handbags And Gladrags ♪

So, what did you used to do then?

Um, I used to model for X-sized ladies. Plus size.

I can't wait now to get on stage.

I tell you, you miss it. Once you've been on stage for a few years

and you're off for a while, you do miss getting back on there again.

I love dressing up.

You just don't get to wear it anymore cos it's not like

when we went out when we was young.

Everyone went out to the pub, they were suited and booted.

You went down here in your dressing-up clothes,

they'd look at you like you'd just fell off of the moon.

Nervous in a silly way but looking forward to it.

A bit of fun. Innit? Cause a few laughs.

Our judges were in position.

Mark, my Dani and Eleanor from Sales and Services

ready to find our carnival queen.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you to our glamorous grannies.

Lyn.

She loves a cup of tea

and a whisky and coke.

Next up is Lynsey.

Sixty-six years young is Debbie.

Kim.

Babs. Oh, yes.

Next up, Jenny.

Last but not least, we've got Sheila.

How would you describe yourself in three words?

Fun. Fun.

Caring. Caring. Aww.

Sociable. And sociable.

Caring. Caring, OK, right.

- Caring. - Caring. A lot of caring going around.

Caring. Caring, another carer, OK.

If it carried on like this no one would care who won.

Give me a surprising fact about yourself please.

Up for anything.

A nine! Ten. A nine.

And just like that, Sheila woke the room up.

One surprising fact about you.

Sometimes everyone gets the wind, don't they?

It is quite surprising. I can't imagine her farting, yeah.

If you could go on a date with any of the Priory staff,

who would it be?

Darren.

What's the best bit of advice you'd give to your younger self?

Be careful who you mix with. Oh!

One surprising fact about yourself.

When I was younger... I liked a leg over.

- And I was quite good at it. - I bet you were, darlin', I bet you were.

I've worn a gimp mask.

Debbie's...

Debbie wore a gimp mask. What decade? '70s, '80s, '90s?

- Oh, not that long ago. - Not that long... Oh, OK!

After that confession,

it was time for our judges' final scores.

The winner of the Glamorous Granny competition is...

Debbieeeeee!

Ladies and gentleman, Debs.

You've done it, my little sweetheart.

Up you get, come here.

Well done.

The flowers are bigger than your chalet.

Erm...

Let's please give it up for all these beautiful treacles up here.

The glamorous grannies.

Well done, all of you.

A few days later, our open day had finally arrived.

We needed to shift the vans fast to get vital cash

back into the business

and stop open day becoming another financial loss.

If we could sell even one,

I'd count it as a big win.

Up. That's the right one.

Back end that way a bit.

Alongside the fresh stock of caravans starting at 40K...

Nice man.

...we've got the existing plots,

including chalets on sale for around three grand.

And the Riverwood, weighing in at a hefty 75 big ones.

I think Danny does need a win. Sports Day was good,

but in terms of selling, like, what he said he was going to help with,

I'm not sure he's sold anything, has he?

- Nope. - He's raised the profile of the park a bit.

I've got a feeling it's just going to be fucking rammed.

Danny's popular. I'm worried it's going to be a meet and greet.

♪ THE CLASH: London Calling ♪

London's just over an hour from Priory Hill,

so I had the bright idea to ship in buyers from The Big Smoke.

We'd plugged it on TV,

so I'd booked a massive coach from 1987 to bring down the punters.

At the wheel... was Vic.

That takes a while, doesn't it, to open the door? Vic.

- Good to see you. - Good to see ya. Good to see ya, Danny.

Very good to see you. - I did want an old one. - Yeah, yeah.

I'm all about nostalgia. Yeah. Well,

you'll get it with this alright, - mate. - How many does this seat?

Oh, well, we've got 48 on here. - Yeah, 48. - Forty-eight, right, OK.

- No problem. - Well, could be 200 people turning up. Yeah.

Got a sat nav in here or...? Oh, blimey, that's miles too new.

Paper maps, like the old days in the '80s.

- Really? - Yeah, yeah. Cos what I don't do is getting lost.

- No, we won't get lost, yeah. - You - sure? - Yeah. It will be alright.

Right, let's get these people on the coach.

Where are they? Where are they?

I've got to be honest. I went on Sunday Brunch,

I thought they'd be thousands of people here.

No one.

Dead.

We've got to get 300 metres of bunting up now.

We've got the balloons, we've got flowers, we've got barbecues,

we've got bouncy castles.

Oh, the radio's just turned up. It looks like the BBQ as well.

- Shall I tell them to come in? - Yeah. - Yeah? - Tell the radio man up here.

Radio man. BBQ.

With just a few hours until open day kicked off,

the punters, thankfully, started to trickle in.

Right, here we go. Here's some bods.

Go and get yourself on that coach, - my darlin'. Jump on. - Thank you.

More people. Thank the Lord. Go and jump on that old coach here, look.

Oh, here we go. Danny. Lovely to meet you. Thanks for coming.

Nice to meet you. - Thank you so much. Go on. - Thank you.

Oh, couple of lovely treacles.

Absolute pleasure. Go on. We're meant to be leaving in ten minutes.

Danny. Lovely to meet you. Thanks for coming.

Right, so that's one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, fucking hell. I think we've shot our bolt.

I mean, I don't know what to do. I've got to go.

Hopefully some of them have got some readies

and they're serious about this. He's got his maps out, look.

How long do you reckon, son, to get down there?

If we left now, we'll be there by 2:00 easily.

If we left right now? - Yeah. - Right.

We needed to get going.

So, with a half-empty coach, we hit the road,

with Sheppey in our sights.

Hello, darlin'. Just pull up just on your left.

I'll go up. Yeah.

I need you to go just by her.

Dani, we want these - the other way around. - Oh, sorry.

Have you ever met Michael Palin? I look the same as in the books

when he was 20 years ago so. Without flattering myself.

He done one in the '90s when he went around the world in 80 days.

Imagine going around the world - in this thing? - Oh, blimey.

I think I've got compost in my eyes.

You got it? Yeah.

Right, so if we whack it along here.

I can't tighten it. Mark, I'm in a bad way.

Dan, can I just get you holding this a second?

Coming! Paul, can't get down.

Your balloon arch is here.

Shall I put this thing down? Yeah, go on, Dan.

Sheppey is locally known as Kent's treasure island.

I don't know why. I wish I had a backup sort of fact.

The area is approximately 163 square miles,

and the population...

is around 40,000 people.

Although, after we turn up it will be 40,016 people.

Who's this?

Won't be a minute folks, OK?

What's he doing?

Oi. You're gonna take that bunting down.

All the bunting. Oh, shit!

Where's it going anyway? Ain't it going on the greenery?

We'll have to take some fences out. Right, can you back me back out?

I'll be at your back, babes. - Do you want a high vis? - Yeah.

I'll get you a high vis.

Absolutely not. You're just waving at him.

- No. - What you're doing is, you're saying hello there.

You stay there.

Alright, pressure's on.

All clear behind Dani? That's it, babes.

Goodness me.

They've broke the post getting it out as well.

So, we'll need a new fence post when we have to put it back in.

Just don't put the wheel over that - hole. - Have a bit of faith.

She's a vicious old curb. A vicious old curb.

He missed that hole by a centimetre.

Oh. Thank God for that.

A bit of warning would have been - nice. - I know. I'm really sorry.

I thought it was supposed to be a bouncy castle.

Back on the road, we were making good time

until we well and truly hit the skids.

What are you gonna do? If people need to have a shit, they need to.

I don't know what the fuck she ate last night. Vic was doing so well.

Oh, hold on.

Right, she's coming now. Vic, we're nearly there.

We're ten minutes away from opening.

My dad's not even here yet. He's still on his coach.

I mean, I'm hoping that I've got about 80 people turning up.

I just want him to be here with me when I open the gates.

And I don't think he is going to be.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we're coming up to the Sheppey Bridge.

100 miles, two espressos and a pony later, we were nearly at open day.

Our biggest chance to pull in new customers

and, most importantly, raise profits.

On the left-hand side up here, I want you to have a little look.

Any questions?

Thank you all so much for coming.

Back on site, it was 2pm, and the gates were open for business.

All the manufacturers brought their vans down, it's looking amazing.

But where the fuck is Danny? I hope he gets here soon,

otherwise it's gonna be finished before it's begun.

Nearly there now, nearly there. Two bells now,

so it's just starting now. Yeah.

Oh my God, I think he's here. I - think he's here. - God, here we go.

What a grand entrance, hey mate?

Fashionably late. Let's pull up here.

Well, we made it.

Thanks, ladies and gentlemen. What a turnout, what lovely people you are.

Enjoy your day. Just have a mooch about.

And with that I got down to selling.

Well, kind of.

Here you go.

Yeah, I love it, mate.

Everyone say Millwall! Millwall!

There you go. My girlfriend's seen your willy.

Don't say that, mate. For fuck's sake.

She used to babysit you. - She used to babysit you. - No way!

Come here. 'After that revelation...

...I finally got down to the job in hand.

You're showing people around. This is everything we've got for sale.

All the caravans on this side, all the chalets on that side.

These are all the open day specials. They're heavily discounted today.

- You go over there. - We're all gonna go over Nutts in a second,

ain't we, yeah? - Right. - So, we'll split up.

What was it again? Er... Dun... Dun...

- I forgot. - No, I... Dun, dun, dun, dun, ain't it?

Dun. - - Boom. - Boom. -Nutts.

Go on, fuck off. Go on. Alright, well...

We attracted a decent crowd,

but the big question was,

could we actually sell anything?

Oh, I love the lemon tree. You looking to get another caravan?

- Is that what it is? - I think so, yeah. But this would be perfect.

I don't think people just come down here for the sake of it.

I do think people have a genuine interest.

I prefer this one. I like that one,

but I know you can buy your veranda, can't you Danny?

Yeah, it's a bit more dough. Yeah. Yeah.

Nice to come to some sort of deal. OK.

I'm not trying to just sell a dream to people that can't afford it.

If anything, I want it to be affordable.

Don't wanna go the hard sell. It's about proper people

who are sort of interested. Let them get a feel for the place, you know?

Look drawers, look at this. - Oh, that ain't drawers. - No, that...

What's the matter with the drawer. Why don't...

You know what that is, that's a - Jekyll drawer, look. - Oh, right, yeah.

I think this is the hardest part. If two people buy a caravan,

then it was worth doing. That's all I can say.

If I've done all this

and everyone just fucks off and they've had a photo with me,

then it's been a bit of a disaster. Let's have it right.

Hello. Hello, nice to see you.

Meanwhile, the residents were doing their own bit

to fill those empty plots.

I would say once you've spent the night or two here,

you get addicted. - - Yes, yes. - Really? - Yeah, you do.

I mean, I come one Sunday afternoon just for a drive, bought a caravan.

That was 20 years ago. When are you going to buy?

We'd had a busy day, and I'd been told to wrap things up.

Thank you. Let's hear it for Danny - Dyer. - Thank you for coming.

All amazing people. Thank you so much for this turn out.

We didn't think we'd have it today. So, thank you so much.

As the last of the guests began to leave the park,

I was escorted to the office.

Hello. This is Liz.

Liz's family bought the Riverwood.

You ain't? - Yeah, we have. We have. - Oh,

come here! Come here.

This is amazing news.

I'm so happy for you. Yeah, we are too.

What a plot. We are too. Yeah, beautiful.

What a gaff. And the view, gorgeous.

- Congratulations. - Yeah, - see you later. - Oh, what a touch!

And armed with this and even more good news,

I went off to find my Dani.

Oh, here he is.

I feel like I've been on my feet all day.

I know. We have. You pulled it out the bag, I'm so proud of you.

Thank you. But I've got some news.

Go on.

We've sold two chalets. Stop!

We've sold a caravan.

And... we've sold the Riverwood.

No, stop it!

We've done it! Shut up.

They've seen the charm that we see. Do you know what I mean?

It is lovely. I love it.

Well done, darlin'. Well done.

Bom, bom... - Nutts. - Priory.

There you fucking go.

♪ Hallelujah...

We'd only been in the caravan game a few months,

but things were starting to look rosy.

♪ Halle-e-lujah... ♪

Shit.

Dani married a man I love more than her.

West Ham captain Jarrod Bowen.

And to top it all off, a month later,

we entered the Leysdown parade

with our carnival queen for the first time in two decades.

Keep getting off your tits, ladies and gentlemen, we're celebrating.

Priory Hill. What, have we won it?

Yeah, you did. Yeah!

Big dogs are coming through. Hang on, watch the road.

That's the first of many, that is. Don't worry about that.

It felt like we were finally winning over the good folk at Sheppey.

We go beer tasting to freshen up the bar menu.

I don't know what I'm getting. Pissed.

We hold some auditions in hope of bolstering our entertainment slate.

What's a bad night here? - - Ten. - Yeah. - It's hard work for them.

And now I'm stuck! - Oh, God. - You're really in there.

And we call on an old friend to help us pull it off.

♪ Cheer up, Sleepy Jean... ♪

♪ LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM: Holiday Road ♪

♪ I found out long ago-o-o ♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ It's a long way down the Holiday Ro-o-ad

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ Holiday Ro-o-o-o-o-ad... ♪

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