All language subtitles for The.Dyers.Caravan.Park.S01E02.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

The following programme
contains strong language.

Nothing wrong with being a nepo
child anyway. It's all bollocks.

Do you think?
Well, think of doctors.

Usually a doctor's kid will be
a doctor. No one says fuck all.

They're saving people's lives, Dad.
Well, we're saving people's lives.

We're saving people's caravan lives.
(LAUGHS)

'Last time, I met the residents
of the park I just invested in.'

Look at this legend here. Two pints.

When I was a kid, they always
had a sports day on the field.

Is there a rivalry between
Nutts Farm and... (JEERING)

Oh, there is?
(LAUGHTER)

'The staff weren't impressed
with my performance.'

I bet you're gutted I called
this meeting on now, you lot.

Look, sinking in their seats.

'And we got to work
drumming up new business.'

I wanted to chuck a big billboard
on the Isle of Sheppey bridge.

# And they all go hand in hand

# Hand in hand through their

# Parklife #

'To pull in new customers
at Priory Hill, I stuck up

a massive billboard shouting
that we were open for business.'

(DRILLS WHIR)

(LAUGHING) It's so funny.

Do you know what it is, Dan?

It's nuts.
Fucking perfect.

I look like I'm on drugs
and I'm noshing off a caravan.

What more can you do
with advertising?

It's absolutely massive.

Course you've gotta
have the biggest.

This is gonna cause a stir.

(HORNS HONKING)

Thank me later, drivers.
Thank me later.

Thinking they'll like it?

'Monday morning
and the Priory Hill management

gets their first look
at my handiwork.

Oh, there's a sign.

There it is. Oh, fucking hell.

"It's the Nutts."

Oh, my god. What is that?

That's mental.

I have no idea why he would do that.
Well, it's horrific.

So, he's got
the company colours wrong.

Jesus.

'On site, it was
a fine morning in Sheppey.'

# CLIFF RICHARD: Summer Holiday #

Fucking door.
(DOOR RATTLES)

Sure that's easy to nick
shit out of there, but...

(DANI HUMS)
BOTH: # We're all going on a...

MUSIC: # Summer holiday...

Ah, Dan.
This is lovely.

Golf buggy in Kent!

(BOTH HUMMING)

# La-la-la-la
Lee-dee, yoo-ooh-ooh

(LAUGHS)

Feel like you're more into
caravan holidays now, or?

Yeah, I feel like I am away.
I don't feel like I'm, like...

I feel like I'm in a different world
when I'm here.

The Leysdown world.

'But our joyride was cut short
when the site directors

told us to come by the office.'

You alright, boys?
What's happening, then?

You look like you've got the hump.

Yeah, I ain't gonna lie, mate.
We've seen this sign.

Ah, right, OK.
When I saw it the first time,

I thought, "Why is there a caravan
coming out of his mouth?"

And then I got down here
and saw Mark, and he said,

"Why is he deepthroating
a Willerby Castleton?"

And I can't unsee that now.
What are we trying to promote here?

A family-friendly holiday park,
right? Family-run?

Dan, the colour scheme.

It's not, kind of,
company colours, is it?

Oh, yeah.
It's a little bit loud.

What's the company... I didn't know
what the company colour was.

Look at this, look.
Not the blue, is it?

What, so blue?
It's white on blue, like that.

I can't have that.
For one, it's Millwall.

You get that, right, so you don't
like blue because of Millwall.

I'm joking, I don't mind blue.
So, from our point of view,

red on white? That's Butlins!

Maybe we should've asked yous,
actually.

How's it going?Hello, mate. Sorry,
just getting bollocked at the moment.

Why don't you sit yourself down,
Mark? Talking about our sign.

Any value?
(LAUGHING) Oh, no.

I mean, cut it in half,
Dani's bit's really sweet,

standing in the corner of a sign,
and you look your way,

and you're deepthroating a caravan.

It doesn't say anywhere on the sign
"chalets and caravans for sale."

No, it says Nutts and Priory though.

And we said,
"You'd be Nutts to miss out."

"It's the Nutts."
Yeah, a lot of Nutts puns.

Alright, fucking hell.

Why don't you bring the file down
here and we can tweak it,

just turn it into company colours?
Keep the same sort of idea.

Can't change the fucking thing now.
Course you can.

You must be able to.What, that
billboard? It's cost me a bomb.

It's been there for a few days,
right? We've had a busy weekend.

Not a single customer
over the weekend said to me,

"Oh, I see that sign as I was
coming over." Not a single one.

Are we allowed in?
Come in, darling, if you want.

Hello, you!
Have you seen our sign?

No.
Well, it's...

It's bas... It's hard to put it.
It's me noshing off a caravan.

No, no, it ain't,
it ain't, it ain't.

He's got his mouth open and
there's a caravan coming out of it,

and it says,
"You'd be Nutts to miss out."

She don't like it.

Um, can I pay some money?

Do you wanna just do it
in half hour? Is that alright?

OK, give us a shout.
Alright, OK.

Come on then, you.
Go on, you.

Give us a shout, Paul.Yeah,
alright, Eleanor will be in there.

Seeya later.
Alright, cheers.

I think you're driving along
that road 50, 60, 70 mile an hour,

you've only got a few seconds.
Yeah.

You know, I don't think a lot
of people are taking it in,

cos it's just a bit too, like,
boom, with everything going on.

Yeah. Well, it's early days.
It's early days.

Cos I think it might
drum up some business.

I think it might drum up some press.

You know, we've gotta try
and sell some vans.Yeah.

I wanna make this gaff famous.
So do we, yeah.

Let's go.
Right, go on then.

Ah. Oh, fucking hell.

Broke the fucking door now,
I have, look.Get me out.

Get out.

It's just too much...
like, colour, innit?

Like, you know, you've got
a few seconds driving past it,

and no one's really picking up...
you know, I don't

even know if Danny's
that recognisable on it.

Right, well, what have we learnt?

We fucked up.I think they
wanted something different.

I think they wanted it to be
a bit plain, a bit pretty,

and a bit simple.Maybe we need
to roll 'em in a little bit more

when we make these decisions.
Why didn't we ask 'em?

Sounds like he's spent
a bit of money on it though.

All the more reason though
to come chat about it first.

To think we're taking the piss
out of the caravan park.

No, I don't want that either.
Do you think they think we are?

Er...
Yeah.

If that's their first thing,
it's gonna be a long year.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

Cor, fucking hell.

(HORN HONKS)

Yeah, it would... Am I missing
the point of it being...

coming in or out of his mouth?

He has got a big mouth, hasn't he?

More ways than one.

'While we licked our wounds,
a new arrival pulled in:

a luxury caravan
for the Nutts seafront.

And the van spotters
turned out in force.'

Love it,
champagne aluminium cladding,

anthracite windows, doorframes.

The chassis, mate, don't fancy
painting one of them, it's massive.

Galvanised though.
But it's massive. Three wheels.

No.
Triple axel. Yeah, man.

Triple axel.
Imagine turning that.

Yeah, how do you turn it?
(LAUGHS)

We've never brought a caravan
this wide in.We ain't.

Oh, it's massive, mate.
It's quite a luxury van.

It's actually got a skylight as
well, like a Velux, which is cool.

It's the most we've invested
in a van, for sure.

I think it'll be the most
we've sold one for as well.

It's a bit of a gamble,
but I think it's worth the risk.

Start coming round.

Ready?

Right, start turning a bit then,
Jim. Keep turning it.

Oh, well done, Jim.

There's only 20 pitches
along the front there, out of 182,

so this is a prime opportunity for
someone to get on that front row.

'Later that day, Jimi had
a little treat lined up for us.'

We are going to do some
demolition on an old caravan.

Should be fun.
Bit of stress relief for everyone.

Just get some hammers

and just smash the fuck
out of a caravan, basically.

There's something about it, it's...

what's it, cathartic, isn't it?

People pay for that.
It's a proper laugh.

CREW MEMBER: So, why haven't you
bollocked Danny yourself?

What, about the billboard?
I haven't seen Danny yet.

I think the boys have already given
him enough of a hard time about it,

so I'm just... we'll just go
do a bit of demolition with him,

taking out some anger
on an old caravan.

'But this wasn't just smash therapy.

To make way for the fancy new van,
an old one had to be retired.'

What year's this, Jimi, this van?
You tell me, '80s I reckon.

'80s?
Oh, this is my era.

'90s maybe, I'm not sure.
It's old, man.

Oh, look at it, Dan.
Sometimes when they're this old,

no one wants it,
so we have to break it up.

We make sure the wood goes properly,
recycle the wood, recycle the metal.

Bit of a job.
That's not good, a black cat.

Unfortunately, the cat probably
lives here,

thinking, "No,
don't smash my gaff up."

Where would you start, Jim?
What's the old...

Wherever you want, really, mate.
Go crazy.

I mean, I'm fucking desperate
to smash that window.Not glass.

(GLASS SMASHING)
(DANI SCREAMS)

Come out, it's the old bill!

We usually take it off
with a screwdriver, gently.

You've just made more work.
But it's fine, mate. It's a start.

Let's take this little thing off.
Go on, ta-ta.

Get up there, you fucking slag.
Get hold of that.

Right.

Just grab something
and start smashing it.

I dunno if I like smashing things.
(SCREAMS)

Give it a clunk.
(CRASHING)

(LAUGHING)
Ridiculous, that was.

I've not got muscles like you!

(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS) I don't like that.

I feel like I'm robbing someone's
house. I'm not strong enough.

Course you are. You're a strong,
independent woman, I've told you.

I don't like it.
I love this.

Just go crackers, you know. Look.

Mug. Proper bit of graft, this is.

He's having a right old go in here.
I know, he's got the hump, ain't he?

(CLATTERING)
He's just ripped a sink out.

Look at that, look.
Oh, Jim.

Oh, my god.

He's one of them
secret ones, ain't he?

What?You know,
like a secret serial killer.

He's all kind, Jimi.

You get him in one of these
and he's ripping sinks out.

(CLATTERING)

Jimi.

What's one of the weirdest things
you've ever found in the caravans?

Found a dildo before.
Couple dildos. Yeah, all sorts.

Just some dildos.
Dildo under the mattress.

Oh, good place to hide 'em,
to be fair, Jimi.

Nah, bit obvious, I think.
Do you think?

Where would you hide your dildo?
Up my arse.

(LAUGHS)

(SMASHING, SHATTERING)

Oh, god.

Full of urine.
Eh?

Full of urine.
Full of urine?Yeah.

You sure you're my kid?
Urine.Piss.

It's called urine.

(LAUGHS)

(BALL THUDS)
(CLAPS)

Did you get that?
At least someone's on it.Yeah.

I think if they done something
that we can actually

all get close together
and join in together...

Yeah.
..rather than go to the clubhouse

and sit in your own group,

if it's an event that you can
all muck in and have a laugh,

then you build a rapport, don't you?

'When I invested
in this caravan site,

no one told me about the rivalry.

It's actually two sites
rolled into one.

Priory Hill was set up in 1951,

and half a century later,

it bought its seafront neighbour,
Nutts Farm.

The two sites are
separated by a road,

and this simple divide seems
to have brewed a bit of tension.'

Welcome to my crib.
Pleasure.

'I wanted to unite 'em.'

Hello!

'But first I needed to see
how deep the rivalry ran.'

Come on in, sweetheart.
Ah!

We've heard there's a rivalry
between Nutts and Priory.

Is this true, or...
Unfortunately, it is true.

I think Priory see their self
as a completely different part.

You've got the divide. You've got
Nutts here, you've got Priory there.

That's always gonna cause division.
Yes.

Over there, they had the swings,
they had the roundabouts.

Right, I see.
There's nothing over here, is there?

It's like you're a second-class
citizen. What's that about?

They're no better than me,
and I'm no better than them.

It just aggravates me
that they think they are.

They look at us over here
as if we're the shit camp,

because the majority of 'em
are chalet owners.

They think, oh,
cos we've got caravans...

I think caravans are better
than chalets anyway.So do I.

Second-class citizens.
Council estate.

That's how we feel over here.
Well, that's how you feel.Yeah.

You go over there sometimes,
you get really young children,

only, like, four, five, six,
seven years old,

and they'll say things like,
"What's Priory doing over here?"

And you think, Priory's always owned
Nutts since you've been alive.

That's been bred into them.

Some of them are snotty over there.
Some of them not.Yeah. OK.

That clubhouse, I'm sorry...
It's not for you?

How can I say? It's a bit cliquey.

You'd go in and you'd think,
"Oh, I don't feel right in here."

It's like those films
when you walk into a western bar.

Yeah, like the old John Wayne films.
And it all goes quiet.

'As a West Ham fan, I know rivalries.

But landlocked chalets squaring up
to seafront vans was a first for me.

Fortunately, I had
a cunning plan to unite 'em,

based on an idea that came up
at the residents meeting.'

Is there a world where,
if we had a sports day,

would you come and get amongst it?

Or are you gonna start
headbutting people?

No, do you know what?
I'm a lover, not a fighter.

I can tell that.
Yeah. Without a doubt,

it needs to come to an end.

If we do do it,
you've got no issues with,

you know, hanging out with a few
Nutts mob, is what I'm saying.

Oh, no, not at all. The sports day
should be all together,

like a family.
This is what we're thinking.

Nutts, Priory,
don't matter where you're from,

we'll get the shed lot
and the caravan lot

pals again, alright?
(LAUGHTER)

Thank you, darling.
You're lovely.Thank you so much.

So, we've learnt that with Nutts
and Priory, there is a little bit,

you know,
a little bit of rivalry there.

I think it's just because
they're so separate,

there's chalets on one
and caravans on another,

so they don't really mix
that much, do they?

First of all, the sports day, so...

Yeah, sports day.
We gotta organise it.

We'll try and do
some weird shit, yeah?

Something a bit leftfield.

I dunno how they're gonna take it,
they might be offended.No.

But at the same time, they might
love it.No, they'll be fine.

I think they've not been involved,
some of these old girls ain't been

involved in a sports day since 1930.
I know, let 'em have a go.

They'd have been running around
in their bloomers.

We've gotta roll the kids in
obviously, it's about the kids,

cos they're probably
gonna be more excitable.

So we do a kids' race type thing.

What we'll do is we'll
just allocate two teams.

Shall we do Nutts vs Priory then,
as a laugh?They'll like that, yeah.

Let's get this fucking
community back together.

Let's do it.
I believe in us.

That's how we fucking roll
round these parts.

'Before that, we had to see Eleanor,

the assistant sales
and service manager...'

Hello!
Hello.

'..to discuss
our other top priority.'

Selling caravans,
that's the way forward.

Yes.
Yes. How many empty plots? 35?

No, it's 38.

I think if we just got a steady flow
of sales with the caravan,

I think just promoting what
we already have for sale

and seeing how they go
would be really positive.

So, 34 grand, roughly,
for a caravan here.

What's the chalets going for?

Anything from two and a half to...
Oh, really? That's a huge difference.

That's why people want chalets.
Why are they so cheap?

Because I've just been in a chalet
and they're lovely.

How is that so cheap
and a caravan...

This is the weird thing for me.
When I was a kid,

if you had a chalet, it was better
than a caravan, in the '80s.Yeah.

Dunno why that was. But to have
a chalet was the ultimate.

To have a caravan in the '80s,
and they were very different caravans

back then of course, they haven't
got all the mod cons like this,

but the chalet was the one
that you would aspire to.

That seems to have flipped
on its nut now somewhat.

Weirdly, coming out of Covid,

they were worth a lot more money,
the chalets.

Now they have lost a bit of value.

And also, with the chalets,
they have to pay council tax.

Oh, do they?
Really? I didn't think you had to.

The chalets, generally there's,
like, a high turnaround on them.

They are affordable.
Yes.

And, you know, when you think
how much it costs

to take a family abroad,

you could have six weeks
of the school holidays

and you've got all the children's
entertainment, you've got the pool,

so yeah, it definitely works out
a cheap option to get a chalet.

What's the ground rent?
It varies. On a large chalet,

it's 3,682.
A year?

A year.
Yeah.

That includes water,
and obviously all the maintenance

of the surrounding areas
and everything.And the gas?

We've got no mains gas,
so it's Calor gas.

So, the site fee,
despite what people say,

I think it's really good
value for money.

So, Eleanor,
what can we bring to the table?

Definitely advertising,
and obviously,

you know, you're very popular,
so that would be good,

and yeah,
just getting our name out there.

'As you can probably tell,
numbers aren't really my game.

But one thing was clear:
we needed to sell vans.

With that in mind,
Eleanor took us to see

the site's newest seafront purchase.'

He can't start the car, look.
I can.

It does help if you can drive it.

I'm all over it, baby, don't worry.

(SCREAMS)
Sorry, Dan.

Just makes such a difference
when the sunshine comes out.

Yeah.

Pull in here.

The Riverwood Lodge.
Look at that, look.

Got a key?
Um, is there a key?

There's a little key there, look.
Perhaps they've locked me out of it.

Maybe I'm being silly.
I am being a twat.

(LAUGHS)
You're an idiot.

Come on. Oh, yes.
Oh, wow.

Do you know what? This is pure sex,
that's what this is.

It's beaut...
It's literally like a house.

And look at the view.
You can't knock it.

This is a prime, prime, prime slot.

Oh, I love it. Oh, it's lovely.

It's lovely.
Bit of a vaulted ceiling there.

Well, if you invite
Peter Crouch round, sweet.

(LAUGHTER)
He won't whack his nut, will he?

It's so nice.
Very impressive.

Wherever you are,
you've got a beautiful...

It's stunning.
..panoramic view.Yeah.

So, what do we need to do?
Sell it.

Mooch up here. So, what do you think
we need to do promo wise?

We need to do a funny video.
Right, so do you feel like

you wanna direct it and I'm the star
of it?Yeah, I'm gonna direct.

Or do you wanna be the star?
I'm better at directing than you.

What? So, who's in it?
You.Oh, right.

'With the creative consultation over,

our task was to craft
the ultimate ad.'

So, what I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna ride round the corner.

That where you are,
you staying out there?

Well, no, I just feel like
the opening line should be that.

So, here, give us the keys.

Let me open it, else I won't be able
to open the fucking door.

Oh, maybe that's quite a cool shot
of me throwing you the keys.

Let's try it. Right.
OK, I like it.

Ready? Give me an action and all, cos
I get confused if it's not an action.

Action.

Here at Priory Hill,
we like making dreams come true.

If you're anything like me,

then this is
the fucking caravan for you.

(KEYS THUD)
Come on.

I've never directed my dad
before at all, like, on anything.

Straight away, yeah?

He's a Leo. They love to perform,
they love to act,

they love the spot... I'm a Leo
and I'm saying this, but they do.

I got that, yeah.
Right, good? Sweet.

Do you wanna see it?
Nah, fuck all that.

I actually really like editing.

Like, I really find it therapeutic.

Action.
This gaff's got everything.

Jekyll flowers,
a lovely double sink,

with running water.

If people can look at this and look
at it a bit as tongue-in-cheek,

I think they'll love it.
Action.

This is Eleanor, head of sales.

She tells me this is
the perfect place for swinging.

I'll show you the bedrooms.
(DOOR OPENS)

Cushty?
So ridiculous.

Lovely,
that's another one ticked off.

Now, there is an en suite carsey,
but I'm not gonna use that.

I'm gonna have a pony
in the main carsey.

Do you know why?
Cos I ain't a savage.

I like that one,
I'll heart that one.

You like that one and all?
Right, so you're gonna have to...

You ain't gonna pull
your pants down, are you?

I'm not gonna have a shit
with my trousers on, am I?

Yeah, but I don't
wanna see your willy.

You just do a shot of my feet.
Yeah.(FART SOUND)

Was that you then?
(LAUGHING)

It's a natural thing, innit,
when you sit down.

I may have farted in here.

Right, let me just record something.
Do it just a minute.

Oh, your balls are flapping!
I can't...

I've got to delete that!
(LAUGHING)

Cos I just seen your balls out!
OK, right, well...

Right, ready?

(EXHALES) That's the one.

You know what, Dan?

That, my darling, is a fucking
masterpiece.Yeah, that's a wrap.

Oh, we're gonna sell her,
don't worry.

We will.
That baby's gonna get sold.

Lovely day to dry the washing.
That's all I can say.

Can you do it a bit quicker?

I can't, this peg is in the way.

I'm gonna hide my knickers
on the inside

so nobody can see
how big they are, OK?

And let's hope nobody pinches 'em.

'I decided to hold a fun-packed
family sports day at Priory Hill,

a chance to bring
the park's residents together.'

I love that idea, like,
bringing everyone together,

it's great for kids as well,
to have a nice day.

But as, like, I just wanna

make sure we're managing costs,
basically, at this time of the year.

Like, we can't afford to...
I don't want you stressing over that.

We'll do a big graph.
But I need a comeback for...

After the billboard,
I want a comeback.

If we're gonna do this, I feel that

there ain't been a sports day
in years, right?

So, we're bringing it back,
and they'll go, "Oh, why, why?"

Yeah.
I'll show you why.

And it needs to look and feel

like it's a proper event.
Yeah.

When my dad Michael was around,
he used to love sports days.

Like, he used to wanna
do one every summer,

so I feel like it'll be quite
nostalgic bringing it back

for people that were around
at that time, but also the staff.

I'm just slightly concerned that,

depending on how big
an event it's gonna be,

the costs might
spiral out of control,

so if we can just, like,
keep an eye on that, then...

Don't you stress, alright?
I'm gonna sort this bollocks out.

OK.

'Despite Alex's warning
to watch the budget,

we went straight into town
to splash a bit of cash.'

You know what I love
about these gaffs?

It's random keys, medals...

Cobbler, I bet the geezer's
a cobbler.Cobbler?

What?What's cobbler?
Dunno what a cobbler is?

Cobbler.

A cobbler is someone
that fixes shoes.Oh, right.

Good afternoon.
Ah.Hello.

How you doing, alright?
Danny, lovely to meet you.

Nice to meet you, I'm Wes.
Hello, I'm Dani.

Nice to meet you.
We're having a sports day

at Priory Hill and Nutts Farm.
Oh, Jimi's place.

Jimi's gaff, you know Jimi?Yeah,
I've known Jimi for a long time.

Jimi's taken on from where
his dad left off.Yeah.

So, Michael used to run it,
sadly obviously he passed away,

but he's been coming in
for a long time.

I mean, we love that gaff,
because it's vary family orientated.

So, what we're after,
really, is some medals.

We want a big trophy
at the end to give to someone.

So, you want a cup, basically.
That's the lump I think we're after.

Let's have a little pipe at that,
Wes. Put my bins on.

These are prescription,
I'm not trying to be 50 Cent.

Oh, look at that, look.Wow.
That's beautiful, innit? Huh?

Well, I think this is the one, right?
I like that.

And also, we want some medals.
I'll grab a couple of these.

They're your bronze ones.
OK, I think we'll go with these.

What do we wanna put on 'em, Dan?
What do you think, Dad?

Red and white,
or red, blue and white?Er...

Yeah, let's go with that one.
Red, blue and white?

I like that one.
I like that one.

Look at the trolleys and all.
Get yourself a little trolley.Huh?

You'll have one of them,
won't you, Dad?What for?

When you get a little bit older.
Do you know what?

A million per cent.Might be a good
prize for one of the old girls.

They'd love that. Especially
the six-wheel one that swivels.

A six-wheeled swiveller?Yeah.
I mean, they can turn on the spot.

It's amazing.Can I have a see?
Let's have a look, Wes, fucking hell.

Six-wheeled swiveller.
Let's have a look at this. Look.

This is like... This is
the Rolls-Royce of trollies.

Look at that.So, you can
literally turn on the spot.

That is the fucking...So,
you go into a busy Morrisons store,

full of drinks,
full of all your shopping.

55 jib worth of trolley.

It proper swivels.
Yeah, look at that, look.

I'll get these all ready for you.
Cheers son, thank you.

Look at that, look. That's amazing.
I love it. I've always wanted...

Look at the movement.

Oh, here we go.
So, that's what I'll put on the top.

Wow.
Oh, look at that, look.

One, two...
ALL: Ooohhh... wahey!

I've always wanted to do that.

(LAUGHTER)
Thank you so much.

Have a nice weekend.
Lovely gaff, mate. Lovely gaff.

See you soon.
Keep on cobbling.

(LAUGHS)Alright? It's a dying out
breed thing, that, innit?

Go on. Swivel it proper.

What I'm slowly learning
about this place is that

it is very much a family-run site,

and the, sort of, oracle of that,

you know, the patriarch was Michael.

But there's obviously a hole left,

and it's trying to fill
that hole somehow.

And I think me and Dani coming here

is trying to bring an energy
and a purpose.

Everyone needs to feel like
they're part of this site,

and I think that's been lost
over the last few years.

There's no doubt about that.
There's a divide.

So, if there's any way
that we can bring that back,

and I think that, you know,
a sports day in honour of Michael,

it's got to be a step
in the right direction.

It could be a fucking disaster.

Danny is a completely different
personality to my dad.

They're like chalk and cheese.
But in other ways,

they are quite similar.

Danny seems to have, like,
a lot of ideas to bring to the park,

and that's what Dad had as well.

Like, he was always thinking of new
things to do, new things to try out.

My old man, he was a really
great guy, man, everyone loved him.

He was the centre of our family,

he had lots of friends,
they all loved him,

and all the customers down here
loved him, he got on with everyone.

He really was
the centre of this place,

and it's been, what,
six years now he's been dead,

and it's not been the same.
Customers come up and say,

"It's not been the same
since your dad left,"

and I can't deny that they're right.

Michael, yeah,

I guess he was a little bit of
a father figure to me, really.

He was best man at my wedding.

I remember finding out
that morning that he passed away.

It was horrible.

I was seven months pregnant
when he passed away,

so it was just...

Sorry.

So, yeah, it was just difficult,

like not having that...

experience with him
seeing my grandchildren.

I just...

I dunno, how does anyone handle it?
It's grief, isn't it?

But, no, Danny's definitely brought
some energy back to the place

that would've been lost
since my dad wasn't about.

Definitely, yeah, definitely.

There's been a real buzz
about the place the day,

since he's been about.

'The following morning,

Dani had finished editing
the advert for social media.

After the agg we'd got
for the billboard,

we really needed
to pull it out of the bag.'

Come and have a look
at this beautiful scene.

(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)

Look at that shot from you.
I'm proud of that.

En suite.

Twin bedroom number one.

Look at it, it looks so good!

'Beautiful bastard of a getaway.'
So nice.

'She's waiting for you.'

I love it.
Do you like it?

I think that can sell this van.
Are we worried about the language?

You don't say the C word.
No, I don't.

You say about swinging,
but swinging,

you wanna swing, you wanna swing.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Apparently swinging happens
down here, Mark said.

There's a lot of swinging,
I can guarantee now, that...

probably in that chalet now is
someone swinging as we fucking speak.

Yeah.So...
Have you ever swang?

Have I swang? (LAUGHS)
Yeah.

No, darling.
Good.

I ain't got it in me, baby.
I'm glad you didn't swing.

Let's post it,
we'll see what happens, yeah?

(TYRES SCREECH)

Oh, god, here we go.

Here at Priory,
we like making dreams come true,

and if you're anything like me,
this is the fucking caravan for you.

(LAUGHTER)

Because this is
Victory's Riverwood Lodge,

a 41-by-13-foot
temple of tranquillity.

Twin bedroom number one.

Twin bedroom number two,
for your nan and grandad.

They can kip here
when they're off their fucking nut.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, there is an en suite carsey,
but I'm not gonna use that.

I'm gonna have a pony
in the main carsey.

Do you know why?
Cos I ain't a savage.

(TOILET FLUSHES)
(LAUGHS)

Oh, mate.
Might have to edit out the end bit.

Will that sell holiday homes?
I don't know if anyone's ever

taken a shit to try and sell
a holiday home or not.

Can we take that bit off the end?
We should probably bleep out

the swearing as well, for the kids.
I get it, yeah.

We're gonna have to do
something about that.

We don't think there's enough,
I think we should have more.

Cos it is a family park,
so if he's gonna be swearing

in the promotional video,
is that not a bit...

He's already posted it, so...
He's already done it?

It's already up, yeah.
Oh, right, well.

'With just 24 hours until sports day,

the gear I'd panic-bought
online arrived.'

Whack it on the table, Dan.

'To be honest, I couldn't even
remember what I'd ordered.'

Right, here we go.
Ready?

Here we fucking go.
This is all our gear, look.

Oh, look, these are
the three-legged race bands.

Yeah, perfect.
Oh, it's like Christmas.It is.

I think Dazza and Paul might be
a bit worried about what

Danny's gonna spend on sports day,

cos Danny, I think, might
really put a show on, you know?

Be quite extravagant about it.

Feeling very, sort of,
anxious about the weekend.

The weekend in general,
being a busy weekend.

But more so, probably,
the sports day.

There's the old wellies.
Oh, the wellies, yeah!

Not really sure it'll cost
that much, will it, actually?

Some bibs, some white lines.

Where's the clipboards?
Have a look in that one.

Oh, yes, they are.
Touch.

Little bit sleep deprived
at the moment as well.

I fall asleep for about ten minutes,
and then all of a sudden,

sports day comes into my head,
like that,

and I'm thinking about races

and have we got enough of this,
and have we got enough of that?

Oh, there we go.
Got a megaphone. Ah!

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Welcome...
(MEGAPHONE SCREECHES)

I've heard about mobility scooter
races or something like that?

That sounds like a nightmare,
don't it?

And that's to start the races,
look, the old...Oh, yeah!

(IMITATES KLAXON)
All that game, lovely.

I've heard talk of inflatable stuff
and gazebos and all this,

and looking at my weather app, it's
talking 25mph, 30mph gusts of wind.

(BLOWING)
Oh, you're a good blower.

He puts a gazebo up, it's gonna be
in Maidstone by lunchtime.

Pathetic, that is.
You're so good.

It's alright, I mean...
I like blowing.

We've got A-list celebrities
running an event, I'm thinking,

Jesus Christ, we're gonna have half
the Isle of Sheppey turn up here,

thousands of people,
and we're just gonna be overrun,

all our owners are gonna get
the right hump with it,

and it's just gonna turn
into a shit show.

We've never fucking
done this before.No.

So, we've just gotta try and pray

to the gods, the caravan gods.
Just want it to all run smoothly,

you know?
Yeah, course we do.

So, it's not just the stress,
it's more the expense of it.

Are we gonna make that money
back in the long run?

You know, especially if you put
something like this on and everyone

doesn't enjoy it, cos then you
really know it's a waste of time.

Um...

Yeah.

# T. REX: Get It On #

'With our epic sports day
getting close,

it was time to spread the word
between the rival camps.'

We are doing a sports day,
me and my Dani.

Sports day, over here!

Nutts are gonna win.
Yeah. Oh!

It's already kicking off.

Sports day, 11:00, over that field,
if you fancy it, for the sign-up.

Hopefully we'll see you
over there tomorrow, yeah?

See you tomorrow.
God bless you all.

Coming sports day?
KID: I know.

Good. Perfect,
that's another one in.

Sports day. Are you about?
Can't wait to see yous there.

Oh, here she is, my little darling.

Hello, mate.
Hello, babe. Are you OK?

How are you?
Alright, darling.

We're gonna do a sports day, right?
Oh, are you?

Really? What, on Nutts?
# All we are saying

# Is give Nutts a chance #
# Give Nutts a try #

It's try.No, it's chance.
It's a chance.

So, basically,
we're gonna have a few events.

I'd love you to get involved.
Yeah, I will.

Bring everyone together, we wanna
have a nice laugh and a joke.

Get the wine out.
Oh, yeah, a little rose.

We thought we'd use Nutts,
cos it's a better field and...

Yeah, well to be fair,
everything's always over there.

Right.So, it'll be lovely
to have something...

You don't mind a few Priory
nuts coming over here?

No, not at all.Course you don't,
you're a very kind, lovely woman.

(LAUGHS) You don't know me.
We wanna bring everyone together,

don't we, Dad? That's what we want.
Nutts vs Priory,

but in a positive way.
Yeah, course. Definitely, yeah.

And I might come and have
one of your sausages.

You can have one
of our sausages, love.

Oh, that's a lovely... ooh.
(LAUGHS)

Well, I might want
a promise back though.

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do,
we'll trade sausages.

How fair's that?
Alright then, sweetheart.

You alright with that, new mum?
You don't mind a step mum, do you?

She'll be alright.
See you soon.

Lovely to see you,
as always, my darling.

You are such a flirt.

I like being here when it's rough,

but the wind's the only problem,
frightens me.

Yeah. Yeah, no,
cos that does get strong.

You could be anywhere.
But we're strapped down, babe.

We're strapped down.

Alright, mate, just go down here,

just past that brick building
there, alright?

More than just a tug of war
rope in there, lads.

'After days of planning,
sports day had arrived,

and so had the residents.'

So many people. I'm over the moon
there's loads of people here.

Oh, that's naughty,
someone's gotta sort this out.

It's not human pony, is it?
(LAUGHTER)

Never know, do you?

Here you go.
Is this sports day or the Olympics?

(LAUGHTER)

Dunno how you work this.
Whoa, batteries.

Has he gone down
the Nutts and Priory route?

Oh, fucking hell.

Where is he? It's gonna take
two days to set all this up.

Cutting it fine. Cutting it fine.

Lyn, what do you fancy doing?
Motorbike thing, the scooter thing.

The mobility scooter?
Tug of war.

Don't worry, once we've done that,
he'll show up.

(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

It's... It's a lot, innit?

You know, if it weren't windy,
it'd be alright,

and if he didn't spend
a shit ton of money.

Must've spent a fortune.
I dunno.

Happy sports day, boys!
Hello, boys.

Jesus Christ.Fuck me,
we've ordered some gear, ain't we?

What's this?I don't know.
No, I got a bit excitable.

That's for the...
it's for the grandad race.

Is it? Grandad race?
We thought they've gotta blow it up.

And then once it's blown up,
then they race.

They gotta blow it up themselves?
And what they're gonna win is

a week of fry-ups.
Oh.

They ain't got lungs for that.
I ain't got lungs for this.

I mean, if we're gonna do it,
we've gotta commit, ain't we?

Yeah. You have thought of
everything, mate, if I'm honest.

It's been years since the last one.
(LAUGHTER)

Are you sure about this Nutts
vs Priory thing, guys, as well?

Well...

Are we not worried that
it's gonna turn into a brawl?

I'm trying to bring 'em
all together, weirdly.

What, by putting 'em
against each other?

Yeah.You got a plan of
how you want it laid out?

Er, have I fuck.
(DANI LAUGHS)

Look, what an outfit we are.
What a team.

What a team.
Dan, where's the pegs?

I can't run with 'em!

Oh, here we go, lovely.

Definitely going.

This is the thing, innit? The wind.

Oh, he's doing it proper, look.
Yeah, course they are.

Yeah.
Ain't our first rodeo.

No, I know. I'll tell you
why this end's important.

It's the finishing line.
Yeah.

Look, this fucker's gonna finish
before that one, aren't they?

Oh, that's so bad.Yeah, you've
completely fucked that, haven't you?

'Somehow, we were ready.

The residents were in,
the cup was polished.

Today, we would finally heal
the Nutts-Priory rift.

Or make it much worse.'

This is winding me up and all.
It's so windy.

'Gale-force winds were
ripping in off the coast.'

Absolutely fucking carnage, innit?

'But I wasn't gonna let mother
nature piss on our parade.'

Ladies and gentlemen, the first race

is the kids' egg and spoon race.
(CHEERING)

Oh, look at 'em.

Oh, look.

God, that wind is...

Yeah, but it could be raining,
babe, sideways rain,

then we'll be bang in trouble.

They're just gonna blow in the wind.

We're having a little bit of trouble
keeping 'em on the spoon.

The kids can't even hold 'em, look.
We've got Jekyll eggs.

(DANI LAUGHS)

It's gonna be a long race.

Oh, look.Shall we do another
race before this one then?

Well, we're just gonna
have to do it, ain't we?

This is a very good prize, kids.

You get ten free slush puppies.

(CHEERING)

Might as well give 'em cocaine,
ladies and gentlemen.

OK, so...

in three, two, one, go!

Go on, kids!

(CHEERING)

Oh! Gotta pick the egg up.
Got to pick the egg...

Oh, you've dropped it!
Oh, that was so close.

It's a win for Priory though,
I must say.

She did nick it at the end there,
she did.

There you go, darling.

'We weren't off to the best start,

and the next race was
the family relay.

In hindsight, I probably
should've had the kit van

arrive a few hours earlier.'

I think we're fighting a losing
battle, if I'm honest, but...

Just waiting on the space hoppers,
ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry about this. Tension.

Going as quick as I can, Dan,
but it ain't my job really, is it?

I thought this was you.

It's descending into chaos, isn't
it? It's only the second event.

One job I left you,
blow the space hoppers up.

I know, I know, I know.

I think you're deflating it, Dan,

I don't know how
you're managing that.

'After what felt like a lifetime...'

Nearly there.

'..we were finally ready to race.'

Sorry about that,
ladies and gentlemen.

What is the prize, Dan, for this?
I like this one.

This is the £60 Priory voucher
for a family meal.

Let's have a bit of
the old family relay.

(GUN FIRES)

Go on, son. Oh, yeah, they're lively,
this lot here, look at that.

(CHEERING, SHOUTING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Wow. Here we go.

This is it,
this is the final leg.

Here we go.

Priory in the lead,
but Nutts in the second...

Oh, he's gone over!
(SCREAMS)

Here he goes! It's a win for Priory!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Yes.

What a race. Go and have a lager.

'We got there in the end,

and next it was something to get
the old dears' pulses racing.'

# FLEETWOOD MAC: The Chain #

This is the Granny Prix.

Representing Nutts,
we have the wonderful Pat.

(CHEERING)

We have Lyn.

And on her lonesome,
representing Priory,

it's Jane.
(CHEERING)

The prize is a drink
with Danny Dyer,

and a six-wheeler swizzler.

I wanna see these treacles
give it 100%, right?

Wave that flag.

Go on, girls!

Oh, no!

That's it, you got it, that's it,
go, go, go, push it down.

Push it. That's it, push it,
push it. That's it, go. It was on.

Go on, Lyn. Come on, Lyn!

Look at her taking it
in her stride there, Jane.

Lyn, don't have it.

Gotta go round the cone,
remember, Jane.

(LAUGHING) Fucking hell.

Jane's smashing it at the moment.

So calm, in control.

Oh, go on, Lyn, love that turn.
Jane's in the lead here.

I don't think Pat can catch up.

Pat's coming on the outside.
Can she come round her?

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner,

it's for Priory, it's Jane!

(CHEERING)

Looks like we're having
a drink, mate.

Come here, babe, me and you.
Yeah, absolutely. Mwah. Bless you.

'No doubt we had a shaky start,

but the crowd were still with us,

so I pushed on to the next event.'

The Grandad National.
(LAUGHTER)

(GUNSHOT)
(SCREAMS)

And they're off. Go on, my son.
Oh, look at him go!

Oh!

I've gotta say,
Nutts have nicked this one.

Go on, go and have a lay down.

Oh, look at this lump here.
Look, he wants it.

Up you get, son. Oi, oi, oi! Oh!

Assume the position,
ladies and gentlemen.

In three, two, one.

Go.

This is incredible.
What a race this is.

Easy, we've not started.
The pair of 'em are at it now.

Look, he's off and all, look.
Oi, oi!

Oh, I can't believe it!

The arms on this geezer! Yeah.

Let's have the knee tear-up.
Oh, he's gone!

It's a win for Nutts.

Two... three.

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Fucking hell.

Look at that! What?!

(LAUGHS) That was outrageous.

Unbelievable.

Put your hands together
for Darren and Paul.

They're the legends
of this holiday park.

Go!
Let's have it!

Look at these two go! Oh!

'In all the chaos, I'd completely
lost track of the scores,

so I decided to spice it up.'

CROWD: Nutts! Nutts! Nutts!

This is the tug of war,
ladies and gentlemen.

'Five massive points
to whoever wins this final event.'

Basically, whoever wins
this tug of war nicks the cup.

Take the strain,
ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

It's in the middle. When
my hand comes off, start tugging.

In three, two, one...

Let's have it.
(CHEERING, SHOUTING)

Oh, yes!

Priory are having it,
go on the Nutts!

Gotta get it past the cone.

Keep pulling, watch Lyn.
Up you get, Lyn, up you get, girl.

Oh, Nutts are in the lead now.

Can Priory pull it back?
Oh, she's gone!

Oh, they're gone! Oh!

(CHEERING)

It's a win for Nutts!

Well done. What a game.

Congratulations, Nutts.

This is incredible.

Well done, you went arse over bollock
and you got yourself up.

We were not losing that.
No way we were losing.

This has been a great day.
Absolutely brilliant.

Lots of laughs, lots of giggles,
just getting on with each other.

Well done. Well done, son.

They put on a great day.

We ain't done nothing like that
for so long.

It was such a good day,

and it, sort of,
brought everybody together.

It ain't about them and us.

Obviously, though,
we will be fighting

to get the thing back next year.

(CHEERING)

# Championes, championes... #

Well, congratulations, all of you,
on a wonderful day. Thank you.

It's an amazing holiday camp, this.
I'm really honoured to be here.

I love being round you people.
Thank you so, so much.

ALL: # We are the champions

# No time for losers
Cos we are... #

Get yourself in.Mind the wind.
I know, it's windy, it is.

Ooh! The curtains.
Feel a bit windswept myself, baby.

I hope we've proved
to old Darren and Paul

that we can bring
something to the table.

I think they was
a little bit sceptical.

Do you think we're slowly
winning 'em over?

I think it went a lot better than
I expected, probably, to be fair.

I don't know how he pulled it off.
No.

But he fucking pulled it off.
Yeah, exactly, yeah.

I dread to think how much
this cost him.Yeah.

To put on, so he ain't gonna
wanna splash that around

every week, is he?
No, you can't.

No, you can't,
you can't do it every week, yeah.

And the honeymoon period
will end soon,

and he'll realise
it's about the nitty gritty.

Hard work. Graft.
Unblocking toilets.

You were wiping shit off a toilet
seat this morning, weren't you?

Yeah.

Right, back to it.
Bingo.

Slow down. Slow down.

'Next time, we try to sell Priory
Hill's most expensive caravan...'

It's ringing.

This is going well.

'..the bills roll in
from sports day...'

It cost ten grand?
Yeah.

But I won't make an habit of it.

'..and I try to bring a coachload of
people to an open day at the park.'

Right, let's get these fucking people
on the coach. Where are they?

No one.

# T. REX: Get It On #

Subtitles by Sky Access Services
www.skyaccessibility.sky

# Well, you're dirty and sweet

# Clad in black, don't look back,
and I love you

# You're dirty and sweet, oh, yeah

# Well, you're slim
and you're weak... #