Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Nothing wrong with being a nepo child anyway. It's all bollocks.

Do you think? Well, think of doctors.

Usually a doctor's kid will be a doctor. No one says fuck all.

They're saving people's lives, Dad. Well, we're saving people's lives.

We're saving people's caravan lives. (LAUGHS)

'Last time, I met the residents of the park I just invested in.'

Look at this legend here. Two pints.

When I was a kid, they always had a sports day on the field.

Is there a rivalry between Nutts Farm and... (JEERING)

Oh, there is? (LAUGHTER)

'The staff weren't impressed with my performance.'

I bet you're gutted I called this meeting on now, you lot.

Look, sinking in their seats.

'And we got to work drumming up new business.'

I wanted to chuck a big billboard on the Isle of Sheppey bridge.

# And they all go hand in hand

# Hand in hand through their

# Parklife #

'To pull in new customers at Priory Hill, I stuck up

a massive billboard shouting that we were open for business.'

(DRILLS WHIR)

(LAUGHING) It's so funny.

Do you know what it is, Dan?

It's nuts. Fucking perfect.

I look like I'm on drugs and I'm noshing off a caravan.

What more can you do with advertising?

It's absolutely massive.

Course you've gotta have the biggest.

This is gonna cause a stir.

(HORNS HONKING)

Thank me later, drivers. Thank me later.

Thinking they'll like it?

'Monday morning and the Priory Hill management

gets their first look at my handiwork.

Oh, there's a sign.

There it is. Oh, fucking hell.

"It's the Nutts."

Oh, my god. What is that?

That's mental.

I have no idea why he would do that. Well, it's horrific.

So, he's got the company colours wrong.

Jesus.

'On site, it was a fine morning in Sheppey.'

# CLIFF RICHARD: Summer Holiday #

Fucking door. (DOOR RATTLES)

Sure that's easy to nick shit out of there, but...

(DANI HUMS) BOTH: # We're all going on a...

MUSIC: # Summer holiday...

Ah, Dan. This is lovely.

Golf buggy in Kent!

(BOTH HUMMING)

# La-la-la-la Lee-dee, yoo-ooh-ooh

(LAUGHS)

Feel like you're more into caravan holidays now, or?

Yeah, I feel like I am away. I don't feel like I'm, like...

I feel like I'm in a different world when I'm here.

The Leysdown world.

'But our joyride was cut short when the site directors

told us to come by the office.'

You alright, boys? What's happening, then?

You look like you've got the hump.

Yeah, I ain't gonna lie, mate. We've seen this sign.

Ah, right, OK. When I saw it the first time,

I thought, "Why is there a caravan coming out of his mouth?"

And then I got down here and saw Mark, and he said,

"Why is he deepthroating a Willerby Castleton?"

And I can't unsee that now. What are we trying to promote here?

A family-friendly holiday park, right? Family-run?

Dan, the colour scheme.

It's not, kind of, company colours, is it?

Oh, yeah. It's a little bit loud.

What's the company... I didn't know what the company colour was.

Look at this, look. Not the blue, is it?

What, so blue? It's white on blue, like that.

I can't have that. For one, it's Millwall.

You get that, right, so you don't like blue because of Millwall.

I'm joking, I don't mind blue. So, from our point of view,

red on white? That's Butlins!

Maybe we should've asked yous, actually.

How's it going?Hello, mate. Sorry, just getting bollocked at the moment.

Why don't you sit yourself down, Mark? Talking about our sign.

Any value? (LAUGHING) Oh, no.

I mean, cut it in half, Dani's bit's really sweet,

standing in the corner of a sign, and you look your way,

and you're deepthroating a caravan.

It doesn't say anywhere on the sign "chalets and caravans for sale."

No, it says Nutts and Priory though.

And we said, "You'd be Nutts to miss out."

"It's the Nutts." Yeah, a lot of Nutts puns.

Alright, fucking hell.

Why don't you bring the file down here and we can tweak it,

just turn it into company colours? Keep the same sort of idea.

Can't change the fucking thing now. Course you can.

You must be able to.What, that billboard? It's cost me a bomb.

It's been there for a few days, right? We've had a busy weekend.

Not a single customer over the weekend said to me,

"Oh, I see that sign as I was coming over." Not a single one.

Are we allowed in? Come in, darling, if you want.

Hello, you! Have you seen our sign?

No. Well, it's...

It's bas... It's hard to put it. It's me noshing off a caravan.

No, no, it ain't, it ain't, it ain't.

He's got his mouth open and there's a caravan coming out of it,

and it says, "You'd be Nutts to miss out."

She don't like it.

Um, can I pay some money?

Do you wanna just do it in half hour? Is that alright?

OK, give us a shout. Alright, OK.

Come on then, you. Go on, you.

Give us a shout, Paul.Yeah, alright, Eleanor will be in there.

Seeya later. Alright, cheers.

I think you're driving along that road 50, 60, 70 mile an hour,

you've only got a few seconds. Yeah.

You know, I don't think a lot of people are taking it in,

cos it's just a bit too, like, boom, with everything going on.

Yeah. Well, it's early days. It's early days.

Cos I think it might drum up some business.

I think it might drum up some press.

You know, we've gotta try and sell some vans.Yeah.

I wanna make this gaff famous. So do we, yeah.

Let's go. Right, go on then.

Ah. Oh, fucking hell.

Broke the fucking door now, I have, look.Get me out.

Get out.

It's just too much... like, colour, innit?

Like, you know, you've got a few seconds driving past it,

and no one's really picking up... you know, I don't

even know if Danny's that recognisable on it.

Right, well, what have we learnt?

We fucked up.I think they wanted something different.

I think they wanted it to be a bit plain, a bit pretty,

and a bit simple.Maybe we need to roll 'em in a little bit more

when we make these decisions. Why didn't we ask 'em?

Sounds like he's spent a bit of money on it though.

All the more reason though to come chat about it first.

To think we're taking the piss out of the caravan park.

No, I don't want that either. Do you think they think we are?

Er... Yeah.

If that's their first thing, it's gonna be a long year.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

Cor, fucking hell.

(HORN HONKS)

Yeah, it would... Am I missing the point of it being...

coming in or out of his mouth?

He has got a big mouth, hasn't he?

More ways than one.

'While we licked our wounds, a new arrival pulled in:

a luxury caravan for the Nutts seafront.

And the van spotters turned out in force.'

Love it, champagne aluminium cladding,

anthracite windows, doorframes.

The chassis, mate, don't fancy painting one of them, it's massive.

Galvanised though. But it's massive. Three wheels.

No. Triple axel. Yeah, man.

Triple axel. Imagine turning that.

Yeah, how do you turn it? (LAUGHS)

We've never brought a caravan this wide in.We ain't.

Oh, it's massive, mate. It's quite a luxury van.

It's actually got a skylight as well, like a Velux, which is cool.

It's the most we've invested in a van, for sure.

I think it'll be the most we've sold one for as well.

It's a bit of a gamble, but I think it's worth the risk.

Start coming round.

Ready?

Right, start turning a bit then, Jim. Keep turning it.

Oh, well done, Jim.

There's only 20 pitches along the front there, out of 182,

so this is a prime opportunity for someone to get on that front row.

'Later that day, Jimi had a little treat lined up for us.'

We are going to do some demolition on an old caravan.

Should be fun. Bit of stress relief for everyone.

Just get some hammers

and just smash the fuck out of a caravan, basically.

There's something about it, it's...

what's it, cathartic, isn't it?

People pay for that. It's a proper laugh.

CREW MEMBER: So, why haven't you bollocked Danny yourself?

What, about the billboard? I haven't seen Danny yet.

I think the boys have already given him enough of a hard time about it,

so I'm just... we'll just go do a bit of demolition with him,

taking out some anger on an old caravan.

'But this wasn't just smash therapy.

To make way for the fancy new van, an old one had to be retired.'

What year's this, Jimi, this van? You tell me, '80s I reckon.

'80s? Oh, this is my era.

'90s maybe, I'm not sure. It's old, man.

Oh, look at it, Dan. Sometimes when they're this old,

no one wants it, so we have to break it up.

We make sure the wood goes properly, recycle the wood, recycle the metal.

Bit of a job. That's not good, a black cat.

Unfortunately, the cat probably lives here,

thinking, "No, don't smash my gaff up."

Where would you start, Jim? What's the old...

Wherever you want, really, mate. Go crazy.

I mean, I'm fucking desperate to smash that window.Not glass.

(GLASS SMASHING) (DANI SCREAMS)

Come out, it's the old bill!

We usually take it off with a screwdriver, gently.

You've just made more work. But it's fine, mate. It's a start.

Let's take this little thing off. Go on, ta-ta.

Get up there, you fucking slag. Get hold of that.

Right.

Just grab something and start smashing it.

I dunno if I like smashing things. (SCREAMS)

Give it a clunk. (CRASHING)

(LAUGHING) Ridiculous, that was.

I've not got muscles like you!

(CRASHING) (SCREAMS) I don't like that.

I feel like I'm robbing someone's house. I'm not strong enough.

Course you are. You're a strong, independent woman, I've told you.

I don't like it. I love this.

Just go crackers, you know. Look.

Mug. Proper bit of graft, this is.

He's having a right old go in here. I know, he's got the hump, ain't he?

(CLATTERING) He's just ripped a sink out.

Look at that, look. Oh, Jim.

Oh, my god.

He's one of them secret ones, ain't he?

What?You know, like a secret serial killer.

He's all kind, Jimi.

You get him in one of these and he's ripping sinks out.

(CLATTERING)

Jimi.

What's one of the weirdest things you've ever found in the caravans?

Found a dildo before. Couple dildos. Yeah, all sorts.

Just some dildos. Dildo under the mattress.

Oh, good place to hide 'em, to be fair, Jimi.

Nah, bit obvious, I think. Do you think?

Where would you hide your dildo? Up my arse.

(LAUGHS)

(SMASHING, SHATTERING)

Oh, god.

Full of urine. Eh?

Full of urine. Full of urine?Yeah.

You sure you're my kid? Urine.Piss.

It's called urine.

(LAUGHS)

(BALL THUDS) (CLAPS)

Did you get that? At least someone's on it.Yeah.

I think if they done something that we can actually

all get close together and join in together...

Yeah. ..rather than go to the clubhouse

and sit in your own group,

if it's an event that you can all muck in and have a laugh,

then you build a rapport, don't you?

'When I invested in this caravan site,

no one told me about the rivalry.

It's actually two sites rolled into one.

Priory Hill was set up in 1951,

and half a century later,

it bought its seafront neighbour, Nutts Farm.

The two sites are separated by a road,

and this simple divide seems to have brewed a bit of tension.'

Welcome to my crib. Pleasure.

'I wanted to unite 'em.'

Hello!

'But first I needed to see how deep the rivalry ran.'

Come on in, sweetheart. Ah!

We've heard there's a rivalry between Nutts and Priory.

Is this true, or... Unfortunately, it is true.

I think Priory see their self as a completely different part.

You've got the divide. You've got Nutts here, you've got Priory there.

That's always gonna cause division. Yes.

Over there, they had the swings, they had the roundabouts.

Right, I see. There's nothing over here, is there?

It's like you're a second-class citizen. What's that about?

They're no better than me, and I'm no better than them.

It just aggravates me that they think they are.

They look at us over here as if we're the shit camp,

because the majority of 'em are chalet owners.

They think, oh, cos we've got caravans...

I think caravans are better than chalets anyway.So do I.

Second-class citizens. Council estate.

That's how we feel over here. Well, that's how you feel.Yeah.

You go over there sometimes, you get really young children,

only, like, four, five, six, seven years old,

and they'll say things like, "What's Priory doing over here?"

And you think, Priory's always owned Nutts since you've been alive.

That's been bred into them.

Some of them are snotty over there. Some of them not.Yeah. OK.

That clubhouse, I'm sorry... It's not for you?

How can I say? It's a bit cliquey.

You'd go in and you'd think, "Oh, I don't feel right in here."

It's like those films when you walk into a western bar.

Yeah, like the old John Wayne films. And it all goes quiet.

'As a West Ham fan, I know rivalries.

But landlocked chalets squaring up to seafront vans was a first for me.

Fortunately, I had a cunning plan to unite 'em,

based on an idea that came up at the residents meeting.'

Is there a world where, if we had a sports day,

would you come and get amongst it?

Or are you gonna start headbutting people?

No, do you know what? I'm a lover, not a fighter.

I can tell that. Yeah. Without a doubt,

it needs to come to an end.

If we do do it, you've got no issues with,

you know, hanging out with a few Nutts mob, is what I'm saying.

Oh, no, not at all. The sports day should be all together,

like a family. This is what we're thinking.

Nutts, Priory, don't matter where you're from,

we'll get the shed lot and the caravan lot

pals again, alright? (LAUGHTER)

Thank you, darling. You're lovely.Thank you so much.

So, we've learnt that with Nutts and Priory, there is a little bit,

you know, a little bit of rivalry there.

I think it's just because they're so separate,

there's chalets on one and caravans on another,

so they don't really mix that much, do they?

First of all, the sports day, so...

Yeah, sports day. We gotta organise it.

We'll try and do some weird shit, yeah?

Something a bit leftfield.

I dunno how they're gonna take it, they might be offended.No.

But at the same time, they might love it.No, they'll be fine.

I think they've not been involved, some of these old girls ain't been

involved in a sports day since 1930. I know, let 'em have a go.

They'd have been running around in their bloomers.

We've gotta roll the kids in obviously, it's about the kids,

cos they're probably gonna be more excitable.

So we do a kids' race type thing.

What we'll do is we'll just allocate two teams.

Shall we do Nutts vs Priory then, as a laugh?They'll like that, yeah.

Let's get this fucking community back together.

Let's do it. I believe in us.

That's how we fucking roll round these parts.

'Before that, we had to see Eleanor,

the assistant sales and service manager...'

Hello! Hello.

'..to discuss our other top priority.'

Selling caravans, that's the way forward.

Yes. Yes. How many empty plots? 35?

No, it's 38.

I think if we just got a steady flow of sales with the caravan,

I think just promoting what we already have for sale

and seeing how they go would be really positive.

So, 34 grand, roughly, for a caravan here.

What's the chalets going for?

Anything from two and a half to... Oh, really? That's a huge difference.

That's why people want chalets. Why are they so cheap?

Because I've just been in a chalet and they're lovely.

How is that so cheap and a caravan...

This is the weird thing for me. When I was a kid,

if you had a chalet, it was better than a caravan, in the '80s.Yeah.

Dunno why that was. But to have a chalet was the ultimate.

To have a caravan in the '80s, and they were very different caravans

back then of course, they haven't got all the mod cons like this,

but the chalet was the one that you would aspire to.

That seems to have flipped on its nut now somewhat.

Weirdly, coming out of Covid,

they were worth a lot more money, the chalets.

Now they have lost a bit of value.

And also, with the chalets, they have to pay council tax.

Oh, do they? Really? I didn't think you had to.

The chalets, generally there's, like, a high turnaround on them.

They are affordable. Yes.

And, you know, when you think how much it costs

to take a family abroad,

you could have six weeks of the school holidays

and you've got all the children's entertainment, you've got the pool,

so yeah, it definitely works out a cheap option to get a chalet.

What's the ground rent? It varies. On a large chalet,

it's 3,682. A year?

A year. Yeah.

That includes water, and obviously all the maintenance

of the surrounding areas and everything.And the gas?

We've got no mains gas, so it's Calor gas.

So, the site fee, despite what people say,

I think it's really good value for money.

So, Eleanor, what can we bring to the table?

Definitely advertising, and obviously,

you know, you're very popular, so that would be good,

and yeah, just getting our name out there.

'As you can probably tell, numbers aren't really my game.

But one thing was clear: we needed to sell vans.

With that in mind, Eleanor took us to see

the site's newest seafront purchase.'

He can't start the car, look. I can.

It does help if you can drive it.

I'm all over it, baby, don't worry.

(SCREAMS) Sorry, Dan.

Just makes such a difference when the sunshine comes out.

Yeah.

Pull in here.

The Riverwood Lodge. Look at that, look.

Got a key? Um, is there a key?

There's a little key there, look. Perhaps they've locked me out of it.

Maybe I'm being silly. I am being a twat.

(LAUGHS) You're an idiot.

Come on. Oh, yes. Oh, wow.

Do you know what? This is pure sex, that's what this is.

It's beaut... It's literally like a house.

And look at the view. You can't knock it.

This is a prime, prime, prime slot.

Oh, I love it. Oh, it's lovely.

It's lovely. Bit of a vaulted ceiling there.

Well, if you invite Peter Crouch round, sweet.

(LAUGHTER) He won't whack his nut, will he?

It's so nice. Very impressive.

Wherever you are, you've got a beautiful...

It's stunning. ..panoramic view.Yeah.

So, what do we need to do? Sell it.

Mooch up here. So, what do you think we need to do promo wise?

We need to do a funny video. Right, so do you feel like

you wanna direct it and I'm the star of it?Yeah, I'm gonna direct.

Or do you wanna be the star? I'm better at directing than you.

What? So, who's in it? You.Oh, right.

'With the creative consultation over,

our task was to craft the ultimate ad.'

So, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna ride round the corner.

That where you are, you staying out there?

Well, no, I just feel like the opening line should be that.

So, here, give us the keys.

Let me open it, else I won't be able to open the fucking door.

Oh, maybe that's quite a cool shot of me throwing you the keys.

Let's try it. Right. OK, I like it.

Ready? Give me an action and all, cos I get confused if it's not an action.

Action.

Here at Priory Hill, we like making dreams come true.

If you're anything like me,

then this is the fucking caravan for you.

(KEYS THUD) Come on.

I've never directed my dad before at all, like, on anything.

Straight away, yeah?

He's a Leo. They love to perform, they love to act,

they love the spot... I'm a Leo and I'm saying this, but they do.

I got that, yeah. Right, good? Sweet.

Do you wanna see it? Nah, fuck all that.

I actually really like editing.

Like, I really find it therapeutic.

Action. This gaff's got everything.

Jekyll flowers, a lovely double sink,

with running water.

If people can look at this and look at it a bit as tongue-in-cheek,

I think they'll love it. Action.

This is Eleanor, head of sales.

She tells me this is the perfect place for swinging.

I'll show you the bedrooms. (DOOR OPENS)

Cushty? So ridiculous.

Lovely, that's another one ticked off.

Now, there is an en suite carsey, but I'm not gonna use that.

I'm gonna have a pony in the main carsey.

Do you know why? Cos I ain't a savage.

I like that one, I'll heart that one.

You like that one and all? Right, so you're gonna have to...

You ain't gonna pull your pants down, are you?

I'm not gonna have a shit with my trousers on, am I?

Yeah, but I don't wanna see your willy.

You just do a shot of my feet. Yeah.(FART SOUND)

Was that you then? (LAUGHING)

It's a natural thing, innit, when you sit down.

I may have farted in here.

Right, let me just record something. Do it just a minute.

Oh, your balls are flapping! I can't...

I've got to delete that! (LAUGHING)

Cos I just seen your balls out! OK, right, well...

Right, ready?

(EXHALES) That's the one.

You know what, Dan?

That, my darling, is a fucking masterpiece.Yeah, that's a wrap.

Oh, we're gonna sell her, don't worry.

We will. That baby's gonna get sold.

Lovely day to dry the washing. That's all I can say.

Can you do it a bit quicker?

I can't, this peg is in the way.

I'm gonna hide my knickers on the inside

so nobody can see how big they are, OK?

And let's hope nobody pinches 'em.

'I decided to hold a fun-packed family sports day at Priory Hill,

a chance to bring the park's residents together.'

I love that idea, like, bringing everyone together,

it's great for kids as well, to have a nice day.

But as, like, I just wanna

make sure we're managing costs, basically, at this time of the year.

Like, we can't afford to... I don't want you stressing over that.

We'll do a big graph. But I need a comeback for...

After the billboard, I want a comeback.

If we're gonna do this, I feel that

there ain't been a sports day in years, right?

So, we're bringing it back, and they'll go, "Oh, why, why?"

Yeah. I'll show you why.

And it needs to look and feel

like it's a proper event. Yeah.

When my dad Michael was around, he used to love sports days.

Like, he used to wanna do one every summer,

so I feel like it'll be quite nostalgic bringing it back

for people that were around at that time, but also the staff.

I'm just slightly concerned that,

depending on how big an event it's gonna be,

the costs might spiral out of control,

so if we can just, like, keep an eye on that, then...

Don't you stress, alright? I'm gonna sort this bollocks out.

OK.

'Despite Alex's warning to watch the budget,

we went straight into town to splash a bit of cash.'

You know what I love about these gaffs?

It's random keys, medals...

Cobbler, I bet the geezer's a cobbler.Cobbler?

What?What's cobbler? Dunno what a cobbler is?

Cobbler.

A cobbler is someone that fixes shoes.Oh, right.

Good afternoon. Ah.Hello.

How you doing, alright? Danny, lovely to meet you.

Nice to meet you, I'm Wes. Hello, I'm Dani.

Nice to meet you. We're having a sports day

at Priory Hill and Nutts Farm. Oh, Jimi's place.

Jimi's gaff, you know Jimi?Yeah, I've known Jimi for a long time.

Jimi's taken on from where his dad left off.Yeah.

So, Michael used to run it, sadly obviously he passed away,

but he's been coming in for a long time.

I mean, we love that gaff, because it's vary family orientated.

So, what we're after, really, is some medals.

We want a big trophy at the end to give to someone.

So, you want a cup, basically. That's the lump I think we're after.

Let's have a little pipe at that, Wes. Put my bins on.

These are prescription, I'm not trying to be 50 Cent.

Oh, look at that, look.Wow. That's beautiful, innit? Huh?

Well, I think this is the one, right? I like that.

And also, we want some medals. I'll grab a couple of these.

They're your bronze ones. OK, I think we'll go with these.

What do we wanna put on 'em, Dan? What do you think, Dad?

Red and white, or red, blue and white?Er...

Yeah, let's go with that one. Red, blue and white?

I like that one. I like that one.

Look at the trolleys and all. Get yourself a little trolley.Huh?

You'll have one of them, won't you, Dad?What for?

When you get a little bit older. Do you know what?

A million per cent.Might be a good prize for one of the old girls.

They'd love that. Especially the six-wheel one that swivels.

A six-wheeled swiveller?Yeah. I mean, they can turn on the spot.

It's amazing.Can I have a see? Let's have a look, Wes, fucking hell.

Six-wheeled swiveller. Let's have a look at this. Look.

This is like... This is the Rolls-Royce of trollies.

Look at that.So, you can literally turn on the spot.

That is the fucking...So, you go into a busy Morrisons store,

full of drinks, full of all your shopping.

55 jib worth of trolley.

It proper swivels. Yeah, look at that, look.

I'll get these all ready for you. Cheers son, thank you.

Look at that, look. That's amazing. I love it. I've always wanted...

Look at the movement.

Oh, here we go. So, that's what I'll put on the top.

Wow. Oh, look at that, look.

One, two... ALL: Ooohhh... wahey!

I've always wanted to do that.

(LAUGHTER) Thank you so much.

Have a nice weekend. Lovely gaff, mate. Lovely gaff.

See you soon. Keep on cobbling.

(LAUGHS)Alright? It's a dying out breed thing, that, innit?

Go on. Swivel it proper.

What I'm slowly learning about this place is that

it is very much a family-run site,

and the, sort of, oracle of that,

you know, the patriarch was Michael.

But there's obviously a hole left,

and it's trying to fill that hole somehow.

And I think me and Dani coming here

is trying to bring an energy and a purpose.

Everyone needs to feel like they're part of this site,

and I think that's been lost over the last few years.

There's no doubt about that. There's a divide.

So, if there's any way that we can bring that back,

and I think that, you know, a sports day in honour of Michael,

it's got to be a step in the right direction.

It could be a fucking disaster.

Danny is a completely different personality to my dad.

They're like chalk and cheese. But in other ways,

they are quite similar.

Danny seems to have, like, a lot of ideas to bring to the park,

and that's what Dad had as well.

Like, he was always thinking of new things to do, new things to try out.

My old man, he was a really great guy, man, everyone loved him.

He was the centre of our family,

he had lots of friends, they all loved him,

and all the customers down here loved him, he got on with everyone.

He really was the centre of this place,

and it's been, what, six years now he's been dead,

and it's not been the same. Customers come up and say,

"It's not been the same since your dad left,"

and I can't deny that they're right.

Michael, yeah,

I guess he was a little bit of a father figure to me, really.

He was best man at my wedding.

I remember finding out that morning that he passed away.

It was horrible.

I was seven months pregnant when he passed away,

so it was just...

Sorry.

So, yeah, it was just difficult,

like not having that...

experience with him seeing my grandchildren.

I just...

I dunno, how does anyone handle it? It's grief, isn't it?

But, no, Danny's definitely brought some energy back to the place

that would've been lost since my dad wasn't about.

Definitely, yeah, definitely.

There's been a real buzz about the place the day,

since he's been about.

'The following morning,

Dani had finished editing the advert for social media.

After the agg we'd got for the billboard,

we really needed to pull it out of the bag.'

Come and have a look at this beautiful scene.

(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)

Look at that shot from you. I'm proud of that.

En suite.

Twin bedroom number one.

Look at it, it looks so good!

'Beautiful bastard of a getaway.' So nice.

'She's waiting for you.'

I love it. Do you like it?

I think that can sell this van. Are we worried about the language?

You don't say the C word. No, I don't.

You say about swinging, but swinging,

you wanna swing, you wanna swing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Apparently swinging happens down here, Mark said.

There's a lot of swinging, I can guarantee now, that...

probably in that chalet now is someone swinging as we fucking speak.

Yeah.So... Have you ever swang?

Have I swang? (LAUGHS) Yeah.

No, darling. Good.

I ain't got it in me, baby. I'm glad you didn't swing.

Let's post it, we'll see what happens, yeah?

(TYRES SCREECH)

Oh, god, here we go.

Here at Priory, we like making dreams come true,

and if you're anything like me, this is the fucking caravan for you.

(LAUGHTER)

Because this is Victory's Riverwood Lodge,

a 41-by-13-foot temple of tranquillity.

Twin bedroom number one.

Twin bedroom number two, for your nan and grandad.

They can kip here when they're off their fucking nut.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, there is an en suite carsey, but I'm not gonna use that.

I'm gonna have a pony in the main carsey.

Do you know why? Cos I ain't a savage.

(TOILET FLUSHES) (LAUGHS)

Oh, mate. Might have to edit out the end bit.

Will that sell holiday homes? I don't know if anyone's ever

taken a shit to try and sell a holiday home or not.

Can we take that bit off the end? We should probably bleep out

the swearing as well, for the kids. I get it, yeah.

We're gonna have to do something about that.

We don't think there's enough, I think we should have more.

Cos it is a family park, so if he's gonna be swearing

in the promotional video, is that not a bit...

He's already posted it, so... He's already done it?

It's already up, yeah. Oh, right, well.

'With just 24 hours until sports day,

the gear I'd panic-bought online arrived.'

Whack it on the table, Dan.

'To be honest, I couldn't even remember what I'd ordered.'

Right, here we go. Ready?

Here we fucking go. This is all our gear, look.

Oh, look, these are the three-legged race bands.

Yeah, perfect. Oh, it's like Christmas.It is.

I think Dazza and Paul might be a bit worried about what

Danny's gonna spend on sports day,

cos Danny, I think, might really put a show on, you know?

Be quite extravagant about it.

Feeling very, sort of, anxious about the weekend.

The weekend in general, being a busy weekend.

But more so, probably, the sports day.

There's the old wellies. Oh, the wellies, yeah!

Not really sure it'll cost that much, will it, actually?

Some bibs, some white lines.

Where's the clipboards? Have a look in that one.

Oh, yes, they are. Touch.

Little bit sleep deprived at the moment as well.

I fall asleep for about ten minutes, and then all of a sudden,

sports day comes into my head, like that,

and I'm thinking about races

and have we got enough of this, and have we got enough of that?

Oh, there we go. Got a megaphone. Ah!

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Welcome... (MEGAPHONE SCREECHES)

I've heard about mobility scooter races or something like that?

That sounds like a nightmare, don't it?

And that's to start the races, look, the old...Oh, yeah!

(IMITATES KLAXON) All that game, lovely.

I've heard talk of inflatable stuff and gazebos and all this,

and looking at my weather app, it's talking 25mph, 30mph gusts of wind.

(BLOWING) Oh, you're a good blower.

He puts a gazebo up, it's gonna be in Maidstone by lunchtime.

Pathetic, that is. You're so good.

It's alright, I mean... I like blowing.

We've got A-list celebrities running an event, I'm thinking,

Jesus Christ, we're gonna have half the Isle of Sheppey turn up here,

thousands of people, and we're just gonna be overrun,

all our owners are gonna get the right hump with it,

and it's just gonna turn into a shit show.

We've never fucking done this before.No.

So, we've just gotta try and pray

to the gods, the caravan gods. Just want it to all run smoothly,

you know? Yeah, course we do.

So, it's not just the stress, it's more the expense of it.

Are we gonna make that money back in the long run?

You know, especially if you put something like this on and everyone

doesn't enjoy it, cos then you really know it's a waste of time.

Um...

Yeah.

# T. REX: Get It On #

'With our epic sports day getting close,

it was time to spread the word between the rival camps.'

We are doing a sports day, me and my Dani.

Sports day, over here!

Nutts are gonna win. Yeah. Oh!

It's already kicking off.

Sports day, 11:00, over that field, if you fancy it, for the sign-up.

Hopefully we'll see you over there tomorrow, yeah?

See you tomorrow. God bless you all.

Coming sports day? KID: I know.

Good. Perfect, that's another one in.

Sports day. Are you about? Can't wait to see yous there.

Oh, here she is, my little darling.

Hello, mate. Hello, babe. Are you OK?

How are you? Alright, darling.

We're gonna do a sports day, right? Oh, are you?

Really? What, on Nutts? # All we are saying

# Is give Nutts a chance # # Give Nutts a try #

It's try.No, it's chance. It's a chance.

So, basically, we're gonna have a few events.

I'd love you to get involved. Yeah, I will.

Bring everyone together, we wanna have a nice laugh and a joke.

Get the wine out. Oh, yeah, a little rose.

We thought we'd use Nutts, cos it's a better field and...

Yeah, well to be fair, everything's always over there.

Right.So, it'll be lovely to have something...

You don't mind a few Priory nuts coming over here?

No, not at all.Course you don't, you're a very kind, lovely woman.

(LAUGHS) You don't know me. We wanna bring everyone together,

don't we, Dad? That's what we want. Nutts vs Priory,

but in a positive way. Yeah, course. Definitely, yeah.

And I might come and have one of your sausages.

You can have one of our sausages, love.

Oh, that's a lovely... ooh. (LAUGHS)

Well, I might want a promise back though.

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll trade sausages.

How fair's that? Alright then, sweetheart.

You alright with that, new mum? You don't mind a step mum, do you?

She'll be alright. See you soon.

Lovely to see you, as always, my darling.

You are such a flirt.

I like being here when it's rough,

but the wind's the only problem, frightens me.

Yeah. Yeah, no, cos that does get strong.

You could be anywhere. But we're strapped down, babe.

We're strapped down.

Alright, mate, just go down here,

just past that brick building there, alright?

More than just a tug of war rope in there, lads.

'After days of planning, sports day had arrived,

and so had the residents.'

So many people. I'm over the moon there's loads of people here.

Oh, that's naughty, someone's gotta sort this out.

It's not human pony, is it? (LAUGHTER)

Never know, do you?

Here you go. Is this sports day or the Olympics?

(LAUGHTER)

Dunno how you work this. Whoa, batteries.

Has he gone down the Nutts and Priory route?

Oh, fucking hell.

Where is he? It's gonna take two days to set all this up.

Cutting it fine. Cutting it fine.

Lyn, what do you fancy doing? Motorbike thing, the scooter thing.

The mobility scooter? Tug of war.

Don't worry, once we've done that, he'll show up.

(LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

It's... It's a lot, innit?

You know, if it weren't windy, it'd be alright,

and if he didn't spend a shit ton of money.

Must've spent a fortune. I dunno.

Happy sports day, boys! Hello, boys.

Jesus Christ.Fuck me, we've ordered some gear, ain't we?

What's this?I don't know. No, I got a bit excitable.

That's for the... it's for the grandad race.

Is it? Grandad race? We thought they've gotta blow it up.

And then once it's blown up, then they race.

They gotta blow it up themselves? And what they're gonna win is

a week of fry-ups. Oh.

They ain't got lungs for that. I ain't got lungs for this.

I mean, if we're gonna do it, we've gotta commit, ain't we?

Yeah. You have thought of everything, mate, if I'm honest.

It's been years since the last one. (LAUGHTER)

Are you sure about this Nutts vs Priory thing, guys, as well?

Well...

Are we not worried that it's gonna turn into a brawl?

I'm trying to bring 'em all together, weirdly.

What, by putting 'em against each other?

Yeah.You got a plan of how you want it laid out?

Er, have I fuck. (DANI LAUGHS)

Look, what an outfit we are. What a team.

What a team. Dan, where's the pegs?

I can't run with 'em!

Oh, here we go, lovely.

Definitely going.

This is the thing, innit? The wind.

Oh, he's doing it proper, look. Yeah, course they are.

Yeah. Ain't our first rodeo.

No, I know. I'll tell you why this end's important.

It's the finishing line. Yeah.

Look, this fucker's gonna finish before that one, aren't they?

Oh, that's so bad.Yeah, you've completely fucked that, haven't you?

'Somehow, we were ready.

The residents were in, the cup was polished.

Today, we would finally heal the Nutts-Priory rift.

Or make it much worse.'

This is winding me up and all. It's so windy.

'Gale-force winds were ripping in off the coast.'

Absolutely fucking carnage, innit?

'But I wasn't gonna let mother nature piss on our parade.'

Ladies and gentlemen, the first race

is the kids' egg and spoon race. (CHEERING)

Oh, look at 'em.

Oh, look.

God, that wind is...

Yeah, but it could be raining, babe, sideways rain,

then we'll be bang in trouble.

They're just gonna blow in the wind.

We're having a little bit of trouble keeping 'em on the spoon.

The kids can't even hold 'em, look. We've got Jekyll eggs.

(DANI LAUGHS)

It's gonna be a long race.

Oh, look.Shall we do another race before this one then?

Well, we're just gonna have to do it, ain't we?

This is a very good prize, kids.

You get ten free slush puppies.

(CHEERING)

Might as well give 'em cocaine, ladies and gentlemen.

OK, so...

in three, two, one, go!

Go on, kids!

(CHEERING)

Oh! Gotta pick the egg up. Got to pick the egg...

Oh, you've dropped it! Oh, that was so close.

It's a win for Priory though, I must say.

She did nick it at the end there, she did.

There you go, darling.

'We weren't off to the best start,

and the next race was the family relay.

In hindsight, I probably should've had the kit van

arrive a few hours earlier.'

I think we're fighting a losing battle, if I'm honest, but...

Just waiting on the space hoppers, ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry about this. Tension.

Going as quick as I can, Dan, but it ain't my job really, is it?

I thought this was you.

It's descending into chaos, isn't it? It's only the second event.

One job I left you, blow the space hoppers up.

I know, I know, I know.

I think you're deflating it, Dan,

I don't know how you're managing that.

'After what felt like a lifetime...'

Nearly there.

'..we were finally ready to race.'

Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

What is the prize, Dan, for this? I like this one.

This is the £60 Priory voucher for a family meal.

Let's have a bit of the old family relay.

(GUN FIRES)

Go on, son. Oh, yeah, they're lively, this lot here, look at that.

(CHEERING, SHOUTING) (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Wow. Here we go.

This is it, this is the final leg.

Here we go.

Priory in the lead, but Nutts in the second...

Oh, he's gone over! (SCREAMS)

Here he goes! It's a win for Priory!

(WHISTLE BLOWS) Yes.

What a race. Go and have a lager.

'We got there in the end,

and next it was something to get the old dears' pulses racing.'

# FLEETWOOD MAC: The Chain #

This is the Granny Prix.

Representing Nutts, we have the wonderful Pat.

(CHEERING)

We have Lyn.

And on her lonesome, representing Priory,

it's Jane. (CHEERING)

The prize is a drink with Danny Dyer,

and a six-wheeler swizzler.

I wanna see these treacles give it 100%, right?

Wave that flag.

Go on, girls!

Oh, no!

That's it, you got it, that's it, go, go, go, push it down.

Push it. That's it, push it, push it. That's it, go. It was on.

Go on, Lyn. Come on, Lyn!

Look at her taking it in her stride there, Jane.

Lyn, don't have it.

Gotta go round the cone, remember, Jane.

(LAUGHING) Fucking hell.

Jane's smashing it at the moment.

So calm, in control.

Oh, go on, Lyn, love that turn. Jane's in the lead here.

I don't think Pat can catch up.

Pat's coming on the outside. Can she come round her?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner,

it's for Priory, it's Jane!

(CHEERING)

Looks like we're having a drink, mate.

Come here, babe, me and you. Yeah, absolutely. Mwah. Bless you.

'No doubt we had a shaky start,

but the crowd were still with us,

so I pushed on to the next event.'

The Grandad National. (LAUGHTER)

(GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS)

And they're off. Go on, my son. Oh, look at him go!

Oh!

I've gotta say, Nutts have nicked this one.

Go on, go and have a lay down.

Oh, look at this lump here. Look, he wants it.

Up you get, son. Oi, oi, oi! Oh!

Assume the position, ladies and gentlemen.

In three, two, one.

Go.

This is incredible. What a race this is.

Easy, we've not started. The pair of 'em are at it now.

Look, he's off and all, look. Oi, oi!

Oh, I can't believe it!

The arms on this geezer! Yeah.

Let's have the knee tear-up. Oh, he's gone!

It's a win for Nutts.

Two... three.

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Fucking hell.

Look at that! What?!

(LAUGHS) That was outrageous.

Unbelievable.

Put your hands together for Darren and Paul.

They're the legends of this holiday park.

Go! Let's have it!

Look at these two go! Oh!

'In all the chaos, I'd completely lost track of the scores,

so I decided to spice it up.'

CROWD: Nutts! Nutts! Nutts!

This is the tug of war, ladies and gentlemen.

'Five massive points to whoever wins this final event.'

Basically, whoever wins this tug of war nicks the cup.

Take the strain, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

It's in the middle. When my hand comes off, start tugging.

In three, two, one...

Let's have it. (CHEERING, SHOUTING)

Oh, yes!

Priory are having it, go on the Nutts!

Gotta get it past the cone.

Keep pulling, watch Lyn. Up you get, Lyn, up you get, girl.

Oh, Nutts are in the lead now.

Can Priory pull it back? Oh, she's gone!

Oh, they're gone! Oh!

(CHEERING)

It's a win for Nutts!

Well done. What a game.

Congratulations, Nutts.

This is incredible.

Well done, you went arse over bollock and you got yourself up.

We were not losing that. No way we were losing.

This has been a great day. Absolutely brilliant.

Lots of laughs, lots of giggles, just getting on with each other.

Well done. Well done, son.

They put on a great day.

We ain't done nothing like that for so long.

It was such a good day,

and it, sort of, brought everybody together.

It ain't about them and us.

Obviously, though, we will be fighting

to get the thing back next year.

(CHEERING)

# Championes, championes... #

Well, congratulations, all of you, on a wonderful day. Thank you.

It's an amazing holiday camp, this. I'm really honoured to be here.

I love being round you people. Thank you so, so much.

ALL: # We are the champions

# No time for losers Cos we are... #

Get yourself in.Mind the wind. I know, it's windy, it is.

Ooh! The curtains. Feel a bit windswept myself, baby.

I hope we've proved to old Darren and Paul

that we can bring something to the table.

I think they was a little bit sceptical.

Do you think we're slowly winning 'em over?

I think it went a lot better than I expected, probably, to be fair.

I don't know how he pulled it off. No.

But he fucking pulled it off. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

I dread to think how much this cost him.Yeah.

To put on, so he ain't gonna wanna splash that around

every week, is he? No, you can't.

No, you can't, you can't do it every week, yeah.

And the honeymoon period will end soon,

and he'll realise it's about the nitty gritty.

Hard work. Graft. Unblocking toilets.

You were wiping shit off a toilet seat this morning, weren't you?

Yeah.

Right, back to it. Bingo.

Slow down. Slow down.

'Next time, we try to sell Priory Hill's most expensive caravan...'

It's ringing.

This is going well.

'..the bills roll in from sports day...'

It cost ten grand? Yeah.

But I won't make an habit of it.

'..and I try to bring a coachload of people to an open day at the park.'

Right, let's get these fucking people on the coach. Where are they?

No one.

# T. REX: Get It On #

Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky

# Well, you're dirty and sweet

# Clad in black, don't look back, and I love you

# You're dirty and sweet, oh, yeah

# Well, you're slim and you're weak... #