Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language from the outset and throughout.

Give me an action, else I'll get confused if it's not an action.

Alright, ready? Go.

Here at Priory Hill, we like making dreams come true,

and if you're anything like me, this is the fucking caravan for you.

(KEYS THUD) Cu... (BLEEP)

A 41-by-13-foot temple of tranquillity.

(PLEASANT MUSIC) (WAVES LAPPING)

That's the one, innit? Oh, that's amazing. I love that.

Young Scorsese in the mix, ain't ya? Who?

A wonderful set of cupboards.

A lovely double sink,

with running water.

It's a beautiful bastard of a getaway,

and she's waiting for you.

That, my darling, is a masterpiece. Yeah, that's a wrap.

Oh, we're gonna sell her, don't worry.We will.

That baby's gonna get sold.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

# ELGAR: Variations On An Original Theme, Op. 36 #

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Why am I, Danny Dyer, trying to sell these beauties?

Well, I've invested in a caravan park.

"Why?" you might ask.

Because I love 'em.

During the '80s and the early '90s, me and my family,

we would all go down the van.

My nan and grandad,

my aunts, my uncles, and all my cousins.

There was a real sense of community,

which I think in today's world is severely lacking.

It was the best time of my life,

running about, getting a bit of sea air in my lungs.

Now, these places are dying out,

so I've risked my money, my reputation,

and most importantly my sanity,

in trying to bring back the Great British holiday.

(MUSIC SWELLS)

Now, I like a gamble, and this is the biggest one yet,

so I've rolled in my first-born child, Dani,

to rein me in and be the voice of reason.

It's the unpredicted weather of Britian. That's the issue.

In Magaluf, you're guaranteed hot weather and a possible STI.

'I've found the perfect place to invest.

It's where my beloved mother-in-law spent her youth

back in the Victorian days.

Welcome to Priory Hill,

a family-run site in Leysdown on the Isle of Sheppey.'

This is known as Kent's treasure island.Love that.

There are three prisons on Sheppey. Three fucking prisons?

'It's a serious operation,

with more than 400 chalets and caravans.

It needs a bit of love and is full of potential.'

This sums up my impulsiveness. Yeah.

What about that time I was bidding on an old man's drawer?

Yeah, why would you do that? Well, because I thought

he's an old man, there might be some goods in there.

Anyway, I bid over fucking 200 quid for this drawer,

I couldn't see what was in it, then it turned up,

and there was a harmonica. (LAUGHS)

I've done the same with this, I've bid on something

and I've put money into something. Old man's drawer?

Yeah, a dead man's drawer.

# BLUR: Parklife #

'But this isn't just a mad gamble.

Priory Hill is a real business with real residents.'

I'm trying to change a few things here.Please God.

If you please one, you're gonna upset another.

I just want you to knock that chalet down.

'And my involvement carries real consequences.'

We're losing about 150 grand in revenue.Wow.

Sorry, just getting bollocked at the moment. Sit yourself down, Mark.

'So, we're gonna roll up our sleeves...'

Bloody hell! Come out, it's the old bill!

Wouldn't see Olivia Colman doing this bollocks, would you?

'..and see if we can make a difference.'

You might wanna buy one of these. (PASSENGERS SCREAM)

(LAUGHS) (CHEERING)

Oi, oi!

Clarkson's got a farm.

Richard Hammond's got a workshop, fucking about in there.

If Jamie Oliver can save school dinners,

then why can't we save the Great British holiday?

# And they all go hand in hand

# Hand in hand through their

# Parklife #

(PERCUSSIVE BEATS)

(RAIN PATTERS)

(THUNDER ROLLING)

Not many people get this sort of opportunity,

to run a holiday park with Danny Dyer.

Already the hype in Leysdown on the island is incredible.

We don't get many celebs down here.

I saw Barry from EastEnders in town a couple of times.

Uh... Michael Barrymore came down here once,

he was gonna record a drama, but, I mean, that's not really...

# GREEN DAY: Holiday #

My grandad came home one day and said,

"I've bought a field in Leysdown." That was Priory Hill.

That's where it all started. That was 1951.

And so now, yeah, I'm, I suppose, third generation,

74 years later, I'm still at it.

So, the park's got two sites, Priory Hil and Nutts Farm.

Nutts is just caravans, there's no club or anything on there,

and it's right down on the seafront. Really lovely.

Priory is caravans, chalets,

an indoor swimming pool, and a clubhouse.

Nice club and bar, good food, and legendary entertainment.

I have two site directors working for me, Paul and Darren.

Ah, hot.

Everyone loves EastEnders, don't they?

Er...

'Mark is, like, a site manager.'

Jesus Christ.

'He gets involved in all sorts.'

They must've got it in.

Everyone mucks in everywhere, to be fair.

We all have a go at everything. (THUD)Lovely.

Ever since Covid, we ended up with quite a lot of empty pitches,

people leaving for whatever reason,

so it'd be really great to fill those up,

cos obviously that's the site fee on every one of those pitches we're not getting in.

The thing is with a holiday park, it's about keeping

the balance between obviously make this a business,

we need to make money and pay the staff, and then

also making it a nice fun place for them to come.

And I think Danny will definitely do both of those things.

DANNY: 'I was supposed to get hands-on at Priory Hill

the moment the park opened for the new season.

But on the eve of that opening,

I wasn't thinking about my investment,

because I was busy, at the BRIT Awards...'

(CROWD CHEERS) Chappell Roan, 'Good Luck, Babe!'.

'..promoting my new film.'

Now, unfortunately, Chappell couldn't be fucked to be here tonight,

so she sent us this message!

'And with the season running 'til November,

I didn't think my flaky start would matter.'

So, come on then, where's Danny? Just saying the same thing to Mark.

We better open this gate, let you in, I suppose.

Well, ground rent has been paid, son, so... (LAUGHS)

OK, mate. Dunno what we're waiting for, then.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Why you got so many teddies?

Cos I like teddies.

Yeah, he should be here soon, I would've thought.

Should he? Well, just about reached helicopter.

Where's Danny? Who knows?

Well, hopefully he comes down. He's got a park to run!Yeah.

I wonder if he'll do anything behind the bar.

Imagine getting a pint pulled by Danny Dyer. (LAUGHS)

So, what time is Danny coming down then?

CREW MEMBER: He's not coming today, sadly.

Oh, ain't he? Oh. Oh, what?

Oh, he ain't coming today. The opening day, he ain't here?

Nah, he's better things to do. Yeah. (LAUGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

How you been, boys? Yeah, alright, mate, yeah.

I know you had the opening weekend. Yeah, well,

a lot of disappointed people, mate, if I'm honest.

They thought you were gonna be here. Oh, you're joking.

We was waiting at the gate for you to open the gate with us.

You're joking.It'd be nice for you to meet some of them

and you can apologise.

Oh, fucking hell, cheers, put me right in it!(LAUGHS)

If you get down here today, I mean, you can really sort this out.

Yep, absolutely.

So, we'll come and we'll see you in a bit then, eh?

Well, I'm sure they'll be pleased to see you, mate.

We'll see you later. See you later, guys.

Ta-ta.Bye. See you later, ta-ta.

'Clearly, my absence hadn't gone down well,

and Dani had more bad news.'

You know what I was saying about Facebook, how horrible it can be?

What are they saying then? "What have we done to deserve this?

This man could not run a bath, let alone manage a caravan site."

That's horrible!

"He will not last the month, and is probably already saying,

'What the fuck am I thinking?'" Strong words.

That's quite true though.

"You can come and see me any time you like.

I'm at Nutts Farm in Leysdown and it's a fantastic place, love ya."

Right. So, that's quite cool.

You've been invited round someone's caravan.

So, what am I, a fucking sex worker now? Jesus Christ.

We just need to keep our residents sweet.

Our family. They're the ones that are important.

So I need to go and have a meeting with 'em.Yeah.

Open it up to them.

They're also a bit disappointed I weren't there to open the gates.

I know. So I need to apologise for that.

What if they're not up for it? What if they do hate me?No!

You just don't know. You don't wanna get too carried away with yourself.

I know what you mean, because we are coming into their territory.

Some people don't like change.

And some people don't like Danny Dyer.

There's a few people that don't like fucking Danny Dyer.

Yeah, especially on Facebook.

(PERCUSSIVE BEATS)

'I wanted to hold a residents meeting sharpish.'

(CAR BEEPING) Oh!

'I needed to make an impact, get 'em on board,

and convince 'em I was taking this venture seriously.'

No, you'll get your toys in a minute. Let's get in first.

Right. There we go.

Is Danny around yet?

Just pleased to see him tonight, cos he's gorgeous.

I dunno what the situation is,

as if we can ask him questions or...

You know what I mean?

Cos there's lots and lots of rumours on this site,

I'm telling you.

'I arrived at the park for the first time

since landing myself in the doghouse.'

Shall we slip in there?

I've called this meeting on because, for me, personally,

I don't know whether they're up for me being here.

If we just went by Facebook, er, I probably...

I'd fuck off home now, to be honest. (LAUGHTER)

I have never seen this club this busy.

On a Friday night. That's cos he's famous, innit?

Mark, is there any chance we can get in?

(LAUGHS) Bit cold out here.

'To give me some support, my old man had shown up

for a bit of pre-meeting Dutch courage.'

Thanks for coming down here, Pop, I know you're a busy man.

What do you think of this gaff, anyway?It's nice.

Bit of you, innit?Nice, yeah. We're trying to just gauge it today,

gonna meet a few of these residents today, but these are our sort

of people, ain't they, really? Other than the Millwall ones.

All in the same boat here, ain't they? They're working people.

Just have a bit of time away. They just wanna have a little

weekend away, don't they? Away from, you know, reality.

Leave the stress behind you. Leave the washing at home.

Leave the washing at home?You don't have to do any washing, do you?

You just take it all to Polly's, the ironing lady.No, you're right.

He took his pants to the ironing lady. You can't take your pants.

It's a business round the corner called Polly's Parlour, she needs the work.

Did you used to go then with Daddy to, like, the caravan holidays?

Yeah, I had my own one, didn't I? I had a tourer.

In a way, you was the one that introduced me to the caravan holiday.

Yeah, so it was you.

It was years ago, as kids, it's all you done, was caravans.

Yeah, and you used to go when you was a little boy.

Used to go down Clacton,

or Canvey, you knew more people down there than you did at home.

What you gonna do then, Rob?

You gonna throw a few into him or what?

Yes, please! You gonna tear into him?

Do you know what? This is no word of a lie,

I was the first one down here when they opened the gates.

All the others are here.

Guess who weren't here.

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

Oh, here we go. Here they are, look at 'em.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. What a beautiful mob this is, look.

Plot up wherever you want.

Look at this legend here, look. Two pints on the go, look.

There's loads of people, ain't there?

You know what I ain't took today, my Kalms.

I didn't take... I took an Imodium. Not even any good, them Kalms.

You're shitting yourself now, your arsehole's flapping now, innit?

Nah, darling. Your arsehole is flapping.

I bet you wish you took an Imodium. (LAUGHS)

'After ghosting 'em on opening weekend,

the staff were parked up front to hear what I had to say for myself.'

Right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

I've called this meeting on because obviously there's been

a lot of press about this and...

you know, what am I doing here, really.

I'll be straight with you. I love caravan holidays.

I was brought up on 'em.

So, I've still got the nostalgia about it,

and so, I'm so impressed with how many people,

so early in the season, how many of you are here.

So, really, I'm here to try

to get people back...

in a caravan holiday, I suppose.

I don't know how I'm gonna do it, I have no idea.

So, I'm gonna open it up to you.

What do you think I can do to maybe

help you make this a better gaff?

There's a geezer straight away with his hands up.

That's right, you're right, son.

Where was you on opening day? I've come driving in to see you...

Right, I'll be honest with you, right?

I-I've been everywhere at the moment.

I've had a film come... Who's seen my film Marching Powder, anyone?

Contractually, I've had to graft on that film

to get it out there, right? So, it's about me running around

telling everyone it's in the cinemas, right?

I've had to do it, mate, that's why I couldn't make it.

Fair play. And I do apologise about that.

Go on, mate.

I'm on Nutts Farm.OK. When I was a kid,

we'd spend our summers down here, all of our weekends,

and they always had a sports day on the field, which was fantastic,

and everybody got involved, the whole community...

Right. So, a sports day, getting everyone involved.Yeah.

What, they don't do that now? No.OK.

So, that would be a really... Love that. OK.

Dan? I've put it down.

Oh, she's lively, look. She's done it already.

Is everyone up for that and all, like, sports thing,

just to get everyone involved in it? (APPLAUSE)

I'll come to you in a minute, go on, babe.We're on Nutts Farm.

You're Nutts Farm as well? Yeah.

Is there a rivalry between Nutts Farm and... (LAUGHTER)

Oh, there is? (JEERING)

Oh, leave off. (LAUGHTER)

We're meant to bring everyone together. OK, go on, right.

Nutts Farm. OK, hold on. Go on.

The kids have, like, a little green area.Yep.

There's absolutely nothing for the children at all on Nutts Farm.

So, it's just a bit of grass? Yeah.

And they would absolutely love

to see goalposts on there,

so that they can play football. Really? Love that. OK.

(APPLAUSE) That's doable, that. That's doable.

Go on, mate. We have a lot of singers over here,

but we don't have no magic shows, or comedians, and things like that.

I was gonna ask you about that, the entertainment for the adults

of a night, what is it, really? Just singing, just singing.

And half of 'em are terrible. Who do you have? Like, tribute?

Is it... (LAUGHTER)

No, he's being straight.

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

'What had been billed as a Q&A with me

was turning into an assassination of the existing staff.'

And maybe a dartboard

so they can play darts and have a darts tournament?

What, there ain't no dartboard in here?No.

You could have pig races. And the bar open later.

And the bar, what time's the bar close here?

12:00. I want 2:00. 2:00! Two bells?

Is that doable?No. Why not?I just work the days.

We gotta be back at 9:00 in the morning.

We'll have a chat about this. Don't worry. (LAUGHTER)

'And the truth is, I wasn't helping.'

Updating on the furniture. What do you want, chaise longs?

(LAUGHTER)They asked if they can get a smoking shelter.

That's well doable. Donkey rides.OK.

If this isn't taking liberties, a nice outdoor swimming pool.

Gonna get the bikini on, are you? Get involved? (LAUGHTER)

Talking about swimming pools and ponies, if you could stop

doing 'em in the swimming pool in there, that'd be nice.Well said.

Right, any chance you can stop shitting in the swimming pool?

I do apologise. (LAUGHTER)

It's a very simple request, if you can.

MAN: Sorry! (LAUGHTER)

I knew it was you!

'A million questions later, we were still at it,

and things were getting awkward.'

There's so many rules,

but then they chop and change 'em when it suits 'em.

I've got dogs, and I'd like to build

a little fenced bit round by where my door is,

so I can just let 'em out, have a quick wee-wee.

On the middle of the fields, where the chalets are,

the light isn't working, and it hasn't been working for ages.

That'd be nice. When we're coming back from the club at night times

and it's really dark...Especially if you're staggering about.

You got that? One of the lights ain't working.

I bet you're gutted I've called this meeting on now, you lot.

Look at you. Sinking in their seats. WOMAN: Maybe just...

Right, listen, I really appreciate you all, you're wonderful people.

I'm gonna try my best, and there's a lot of brilliant suggestions,

by the way, about the kids and the adults.

(APPLAUSE) Definitely entertainment.

A lot of love in this room, we've gotta look after each other, alright?

So, no more of this Nutts against Priory either.

Let's elbow all that caper, alright? We're all in this together, yeah?

So, from me and my wonderful daughter,

I'll see you knocking about, alright? Thank you.

Have a lovely evening. Thank you so much.

I appreciate every single one of you.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(LAUGHS)

Fucking hell, eh?

Gonna try my best to sort this gaff out.

Yeah, no, it'd be good... Just needs a few things, don't it?

It started off well, and as it went on,

I think it turned more into, from an idea session,

more into just complaints. (LAUGHS)

Just, "I'm not happy about this."

The minute they knew he was here

and they had a chance to have their little say,

it was gonna be full of people just, like, caning us.

(SIGHS)Oh, my God, I can't believe the audience.

You don't wanna let anyone down. These people paying their money,

they're customers.Yeah. Now, we can't implement everything.

They say the customer's always right, don't they?

They do, unless they're a twat.

Some of the stuff they suggested, we've talked about in the past,

but some of it's just not realistic.

Some of 'em are very, very easily done, right?

Little football pitch is an absolute gimme.Oh, so easy.

Goalposts we've always talked about, but then no one wants the goalposts

or the adventure playground outside their caravan or chalet.

That's always a bit tricky.

It's little things, the lights not working over there in the grass,

which I understand. That should've been fixed.

And the light on the field, we took that out, didn't we?

Because that attracts groups of teenagers...

And we're getting people complaining that we got, you know, people,

teenagers playing in the field at 4:00 in the morning,

making loads of noise, keeping 'em awake.

The outdoor swimming pool's a little bit...(EXHALES)

Where do you start with that? Outdoor pools are like £40,000.

They're more than that. Are they?

The indoor swimming pool, in 1991, when it was built,

cost quarter of a million pound. Yeah, that's a long while ago.

I dread to think what that would cost now.Yeah.

And we know how much trouble an indoor pool,

like people shitting in it.

We need to stop people shitting in the swimming pool.

That's kids, that's kids. It's an accident.

Well, apparently it was a big log. Yeah, but Santi, some of his shits.

That's a nightmare for me and you, having to shut the pool,

get everyone out, go and hoover it. Clean it, yeah.

Overdose the chlorine. Funny that no one ever admits it was them.

I shat in the bath once, didn't I? Remember?Why, was you ill?

Me and my brother used to have a bath, and I shat in it,

and I pushed it up his end and he got in trouble for it.

Why would you do that? He's never forgive me.

Cos I didn't wanna get in trouble.

He definitely threw us to the wolves there.

I think we shouldn't have been there.

Might've been better if he had his little one-to-one with all of them.

What am I doing here?

Can you just chuck money at something

and hope it sorts itself out?

Some people just love a moan.

He's gonna find out pretty soon that he ain't gonna be able

to promise all them people all them things.No.

It's... It's daunting. Yeah.

I don't wanna let these people down. No.

Can I do it in the time I've got?

(JAZZY, PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

Look at that, a cheeseburger puff.

You'd love that, wouldn't you? So it's got a burger in that puff?

It has. Yeah, with cheese and tomato relish.

Look at them Belgian buns. Some people call these a booby cake.

Booby cake, yeah. (LAUGHTER)

Do you think the meeting went well? God, didn't the hands go up?

The hands did go up. I thought they was gonna be quite shy,

but they was well up for it. They was well up for it.

And so they should be. They're paying a lot of money.Yeah.

There definitely, definitely needs improvements.

'The morning after my first meeting with the residents,

we were armed with a decent breakfast

and on our way to a crucial sit-down.'

Oh, a nice brisk walk. God, you walk so fast.

You've gotta, ain't ya?I'm, like, jogging when you're walking.

'I'd arranged a meeting with Jimi's sister, Alex,

who controls the park's purse strings,

and could give us the lowdown on the business.'

So, if you basically do the maths, we've got 38 empty pitches.

Yeah.Yeah.So, each pitch is between 3,500 to 4,000.

So, if you can, you know, multiply 38 pitches by that number,

we're losing about 150 grand in revenue a year.Wow.

Yeah, a year. Serious amount of dough, isn't it?

And if you can reinvest that back in.

But the hardest thing to do is sell these plots, isn't it, at the moment?

Nobody's got any money.Yeah. We did the residents evening,

and, um, a lot of moaning.

Yeah, there was a lot of things that they wanted us to improve on,

and add on, and it's all good having the ideas,

but obviously financially it's like, how do you do it?

Yeah.You know, so say things like we're saying, "Let's build a park."

It depends what scale you're looking at.

For a good one, about 20 grand, I'd say.About 20, yeah.

I thought it would be about 20 grand.

But if you're looking at a smaller scale one,

probably between five and ten Yeah, but it's a bollocky one.

The teenagers probably won't wanna hang out if it's a... bollocky one.

Yeah. Right, so what happens, Al,

if we don't do this, and we don't sell caravans,

and we don't get 'em filled? What's the worst-case scenario?

If it gets to a certain point, where we don't make enough money

to cover our expenses, then we're looking at losing some people.

I wanna keep people in graft. Absolutely.

Cos everyone's integral to this gaff, ain't they?

And because we are a family business,

there's people that have worked here for years.

Exactly.So, there's that bond. Yeah, we've all got a bond, yeah,

and we don't wanna lose that. But unfortunately,

like any other business, it comes down to making profits,

and if we're not, then... Then people have to go.

It's the vans which will earn us the money, innit?

Yeah, exactly. But also, I think a lot of it is about our exposure.

People don't necessarily know we're here.

We was talking about advertising. Yeah.

I wanted to chuck a big billboard on the Isle of Sheppey bridge.

Well, you know you come over that bridge...

There's no signs or anything. It's all a bit depressing.

Yeah. And so, you go, well, you know,

I suppose it's making people aware of this place,

and then them coming down and looking at the facilities

and going, "Oh, I fancy a bit of this."

So, yeah, if you can fill up those plots as much as you can, then...

Advertising, get it out there, do whatever we gotta do.Yeah.

'To make good on my time and my investment,

we needed one thing: more customers.

To get 'em, we had to advertise,

and Sheppey Bridge is where the Dyers were gonna make their mark.

With over a million vehicles crossing the gateway to Sheppey each year,

soon enough, the world would know the names

Nutts and Priory.'

I wanted to enquire about this poster, this billboard.

I've never done one before.

Coming over that fucking bridge, having some sort of billboard on the firm.

Now, obviously I want something that's gonna stand out.

How big though? Well, big.

I can't quite put it into words what I mean.

Back in the day, everyone would have to drive to the island

if they wanted to buy a holiday home. Now you just go online.

I want people to look at it and sort of go, "What the fuck?"

If they've got a lorry, you want a lorry. You want a bigger lorry.

I want it to get people's attention.

I think it's important though. Yeah.

I think so. In today's day, especially.

Have a little think. I want you to play with it as much as you can.

Don't be shy. And then ping me over some options.

Just depends how much it costs, I suppose, don't it?

Well, I'll get on it.

I want this to be something that people remember, OK?

Alright, cheers.

Lovely.

# GOLDEN EARRING: Radar Love #

'With a designer set to work,

the next step was to meet a local farmer

who could rent us a spot for a billboard.'

So, look, over here. Yeah.

This is the rival, Harts.

We want a bigger one than that.

We gotta try and convince people to, when you go over that bridge,

you're going to heaven. Yeah.

So we've gotta meet Paul, the farmer. Nice. I like a farmer.

Yeah, so let's hope it's the right field.Yeah.

Hopefully Paul's a nice geezer. Mad how farmers run a field, innit?

What?Like, own a field. Well, it's their game, innit?

In the field game. Let's just hope he doesn't turn up with a sawn-off.

Cos they do like a shooter, don't they?They do.

Here he is, it's gotta be him. Oh, he's here!

No, didn't get a thumb back, OK, got a straight blank.

Has he got the hump, or? I dunno.

How are you, Paul? Yep, not too bad.

I'm Danny. You're Danny, right.

Hello, Paul. This is my lovely daughter, Dani.

I'm Dani. Nice to meet you, Paul. Hello. Two Dannies, are you?

Two Danny Dyers, yeah. What a blessing, eh?

So, this is your bit of plot, is it, Paul?

Yep. Well, I graze it.

You graze it. Yeah, I graze it.

That's hard work, innit?

Well, the cattle graze it, I don't graze it myself.

I see. What's that, you put your whisky on it?

I have a bit of a heart problem. Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I had a pacemaker fitted, and I've gotta get to the hospital

and get it readjusted, cos it's not working quite right.

Oh, fucking hell, sorry to hear that, mate.

Well, we don't wanna keep you too long, Paul.

We're working at the Nutts and Priory caravan site.Yeah.

It's a lovely site. Have you been down there?

No, I don't know where you are. I don't know where you are.

So, you've never heard of it? No.

We need to market this place, cos obviously you don't even know

where it is, and you're from this area.Yeah.

So, what's the price for that one?

Well, two grand. Two grand, yeah?

Oh, I see. What, this one here? Yeah.

What's that promoting? Well, that's the Ferry House Inn,

where they do a lot of weddings. OK, gotcha.

You're getting married, ain't you, darling?There we go.

Getting married to the West Ham captain.

Oh, the West Ham captain, eh? Yeah.

A bit gutted really, I'd have liked to marry him myself, Paul.

Unfortunately, he doesn't swing my way.

No, he don't, right. But you never know, because...

You never know what could happen on a wedding.I'm joking, Paul.

So, how much would the bigger ones be?

Well, that's what I'm telling you, two grand.So that's two grand?

OK, so this one seems smaller. Yeah, yeah, that's...

But he's still paying two grand? No, he's a bit less.

Oh, he's less, is he, the Harts? Yeah, yeah, yeah.Ah, I see.

For being a gent, two and a half grand I think we'll treat him to,

cos you've got a... Two and a half, yeah.

Having, you know, trouble with the old dickie.

Go on, son, you can slip off now.

Just snap the lock shut on the gate when you go.

I will do. I'll do that. Don't worry, son.OK. Thank you.

'Farmer Paul had played my heartstrings

to the tune of two and a half grand.

But we'd landed the perfect plot for our billboard.

Now I wanted to get straight back to the park.

I couldn't shake the thought that we'd mugged off our new colleagues

at the residents meeting,

but I reckoned we could win 'em over by rolling up our sleeves

and getting stuck into some hard graft.'

Oh! Not been over a speed hump on these!

'These are 26 acres of grass on Priory Hill.

It doesn't cut itself.'

Where am I going?! (SCREAMS)

Yeah, well done, that's it. Perfect.

'Luckily, site manager Mark was on hand to steer us through it.'

What happened there? You panicked. It just wobbled a bit.

My arsehole went, I ain't gonna lie. Mine did and all.

This is one of the two main fields. It's best to start here,

cos you're not near any objects. They're trusting us

to cut their grass. That's right, yeah.

Have a bit of faith.

(ENGINE REVS) That's it. Your brake's already off.

So, if you just go...

# ANDREW OLDHAM ORCHESTRA: The Last Time #

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Oh, yes!

(MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS)

It's just a bit wet, so if you lift your blades up.

That's it, hold 'em all the way up. And now try and back out.

You might get out. No, so just hold 'em up,

and then let go. That's it.

Oh, I see, right. And then see if you can get out.

Forwards.

(WHIRRING)

Go on, all the way, floor it! Go on, my son.

Go on, keep going!Lovely. Don't let off, don't let off.

Fucking hell.

(MUSIC RESUMES) Smashing it now. Come out the way!

Fucking have your legs off!

There we go, nice. Give it a bit of welly.

(MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS)

(BLEEP)

He's stalled it again. You stalled it again?!

(BLEEP)

I mean, I'm pretty sure someone in the world has stalled it once.

I'm not sure if anyone's stalled it twice.

State I've made of this, look. Proud of yourself?

I would say this is what you call a job, do you know what I mean?

Harder than going in Love Island? Much harder.

That ain't a job, is it? Nah, is it fuck.

Missed half of it here, look.

I let my young boy have a go on a grass cutter once.

Not on that one, you didn't. He was better than that.

Yeah, but not on that, you didn't. How hold is he?Four.

He's four? (LAUGHS)

That one, I can see, that one's nice, that's elegant.

It's more feminine, innit?

Out of the two, you'd say that one had a pair of tits.

Would you? Yes.

Brilliant. Aw, there's a rainbow!

There you are, see. The omens are good, Mark.

When was the last time you had a rainbow here?

(LAUGHS) Regularly. Oh.

I'm costing money, cos now they've gotta sort this bollocks out.

Come on, let's go. Fuck sake.

I think we've had a go, ain't we?

I've mugged off the Dyer name a little bit.

No! Well, you know,

it's not my game, is it, you know?

You know, could Mark do Pinter? No. (LAUGHS)

Could he do a six-month run at the National Theatre? Probably not.

Oh, fuck off.I'm just saying, you know. Eight shows a week.

It's different to Snap, love. Different entirely, right?

Might be a bit complicated. It's taken an hour.

It might be a bit complicated for you.

Oh, let's play something else then. (LAUGHS)

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

So, interested to see what we all thought of the meeting.

Do you feel it went well?

It's how much influence he's gonna have on management.

I think they were shocked at some of the questions

and sometimes the truth comes out and people,

they're, "Oh, God, I didn't expect that."

Yeah. It's important for us to make sure

we hold Danny and Dani to account. Yeah.

You've also gotta give 'em time.

He's told us what he intends to do,

and it ain't gonna happen in a week, you know?

We've gotta give 'em time to establish and plan,

and if we get it, all well and good. Yeah, yeah.

His grass cutting skills need a little bit of improving.

Dani coped well with the Grillo, didn't she?

And Mark said that she wasn't... She was alright on the lawnmower,

but she did get her foot stuck at one point and he did panic.

Oh, bloody hell. Jesus. Danny did say at the end of the day,

"I'm not sure about this manual labour, mate.

I wanna get stuck into the other stuff."(LAUGHTER)

But there's a few more manual labour jobs we'll get him doing, surely.

All part of it, right?Yeah. If you wanna run a holiday park,

yeah, you've gotta do it. Starts at the bottom, right?

Yeah. Work your way up.

'We had a lot to do. So while I did the rounds...'

Hello. Sun's out finally, eh?

'..Dani got stuck into spring cleaning one of the empty vans,

to turn it into something we could actually sell.

Trouble is, it hadn't seen a sponge since West Ham won the league.'

It's just a bit of a shithole in here at the minute.

It just feels like it just needs so much love.

I don't know what's down that toilet, to be honest.

Go on, mate. (CAMERA CLICKS)

Pleasure. I look like I'm banged up. Look like I'm in the nick.

Boys, see yous later. Ta, mate.

Just picked up my drugs, perfect.

That's me sorted for the summer.

I don't know who's been in here.

I feel like it's been a lovely little old lady.

I'm assuming it's a lady.

Saging the curtains.

My friends look at me and they're like,

"What the fuck has happened to her?"

Gonna get this gaff back to its glory days.

It's important I've gotta generate money

to try and put the things in place

that this caravan site really does need.

I didn't realise, 38 plots, if you try and add it all up,

that's 150 grand that this caravan site can benefit from.

150 grand.

Where do you find that sort of dough?

Where do you find the people that are willing to do it in Leysdown?

You know? It seems impossible to me.

I'm gonna try my very best to try and make it happen.

Are these all your kids? Two of 'em are, yeah.

Oh, are they?It's great, innit, how they can play out and be safe?

This is why we're here. Yep.

He is such a people pleaser, my dad. It's such a lovely trait to have.

And I think for him, you know, he doesn't wanna let anyone down.

I love these sort of people. These are my people.

And so I wanna make this gaff right again.

You know, I...

I dunno how I'm gonna do it. I just don't.

But I'm passionate enough to try.

On the Titanic, I would've saved him, absolutely.

Like, he's just... (LAUGHS)

We're really good mates.

My first-born child, Dani,

she is, you know, the almost...

not gonna say smarter Danny Dyer, because I won't have that,

but she brings an energy that I need.

You know when your brain just doesn't wanna remember things,

like, it just blocks it out?

He went to rehab a couple of times, and I remember the first time,

I didn't really remember the first time that he went.

And I wrote him a letter.

I still to this day, I can't remember what I wrote.

You know, like, when everything was such a bubble

and everything was just so intense at the time,

and I knew he'd gone, but I knew that there was a reason.

Like, if he hadn't gone away, like, God knows where he'd be now.

When he goes, I'll have to stuff him,

cos I need him in my garden forever.

He can never leave me.

He has to outlive us all. (LAUGHS)

(ALARM BEEPING) Fuck, what the hell is that?

Oh, my God, it's my sage.

(BLOWING URGENTLY)

'I had one last stop on my rounds.'

Hello, mate.Hello, squire. How you doing, geez?

'A chance to talk to one of the park's more vocal characters, Tony.'

How long have you been here for then, Tone?1960.

So, 1960. My old man and the old lady

bought a chalet down the main rec, and the old man went,

"Look, I can open up the door and I'm looking at the sea,"

which you could see then, straight down the road. You know, and...

Oh, cos, yeah, you had less... Yeah, course you could, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, we come down in 1960 with our family,

and I've never wanted to leave, Danny.

I mean, I'm 68, I've had a good run.

But if I can get two more years down here, I'll be over the moon.

I've had my life. I've got cancer now,

so it is what it is. Right.

I've got cancer of the liver, non-alcoholic,

it was through smoking and my lifestyle.

Yeah, course it was. Right? It can't be cured.

It is what it is.

Well, sorry to hear about that, Tone, this fucking cancer thing.

I mean, it's affecting so many people and,

you know, I've lost a couple of people to it,

and it frightens the life out of me.

I'm still smoking away, me, and all. I know I've gotta give it up.

But, you know, you seem like you're just getting on with things.

Oh, my God, you've got to. You've got to give up.

No, I know, mate, I know. Look at your grandkids and go,

"You know what? I wanna see you grow up."Yeah, course.

You've only got one shot at this.

No, I know, mate. Don't get a second go, do you?

You don't get a second go, so do yourself a favour,

knock it on the head. Appreciate that.

I mean it, son, I really do. That's from the heart.

Lovely, you take it easy, Dan, yeah?

Safe journey home, yeah?

What a legend, Tone.

God bless.

# BLUR: This Is A Low #

# And into the sea

# Goes pretty England and me...

You know, there's something about sitting in front of the sea,

it makes me think about the people that live here,

the people that come here, love it, cherish it,

people like the wonderful Tony,

who is at the last chapter of his life,

and he wants to spend his last days here, really, you know?

You know, I really would love to do something for him,

and make this place slightly better,

if I can, just so it's more pleasant for him somehow.

So, you know, let's hope that Tony fucking is gonna be sweet as a nut.

He seems good as gold. You know, like, it's affected me in a way

where I've realised how important this gaff is to people.

# Finding ways to stay solo #

(SEAGULLS CAWING) (PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

Right, one...

Two...

Three! That nice?

Is that nice? (LAUGHS)

That's better than the beach. No sand on your feet.

Double espresso? Yes, darling.

'Dani and I were ready to make a big decision

that we hoped would attract new customers

and fill those empty plots.'

Any chance?

I'm trying my best.

We've gotta make a decision. Shut up.

Talk to your father like that. (LAUGHS)

The size of the cup, look. Meant to be a double espresso.

Yeah, I know.

Right, Dan. So, the designer,

obviously I've given him a couple of ideas,

but now he's pinged over what he thinks would be cool.

You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely.

We need something standout, something bold, something that goes,

"Nutts and Priory is in the Isle of Sheppey

and it's the best caravan site in the country."

Yeah. I agree. Alright?

So, let's see what this geezer's got about him.

Obviously... That's nice, "Home from Home."

But I don't like that smudge of me, to be honest.

Yeah, I don't think it's your best. Probably cos you ate eight sausages

the before that, didn't you? Yeah.

Ooh! Again, oh, look at the tits!

I can't have that. What?

The tits are a bit titty.

Look at you there.Yeah, I know. That's what I can look like

when I have three hours of hair and make-up.

Is that your old hooter?

That's upset me. Why has it?

You just said I've ate eight sausages?I had my nose done

how many years ago now?

Just fuck this, I don't know what's going on.

Why are we associated with America? Why are we in, like, mountains?

Gorillas? I don't know what's going on here.

"It's the Nutts."

Two gorillas sort of staring at each other and laughing?

Although you're not happy about being a gorilla.No.

I don't think I've ever been this happy.

Maybe that's you. I think you definitely evolved from a monkey.

(LAUGHS)

This is the one. That's good.

That's the one. I think it is the one.

You can't help but not look. Yeah.

(LAUGHS) Over the moon.

I just hope it doesn't cause a ten-car pile-up.

I can't wait to see what they come up with. Should be good.

What I realise, there's only so much we can do as a park ourselves.

We can try and promote ourselves, and it's getting quite urgent.

We really need Danny and Dani to help sell some of these pitches,

and definitely, we need it.

Hopefully they get the feeling of what it's like

to run a holiday park, cos some days it's great fun,

and some days it's fucking horrific.

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

'Pretty soon...' (ROCK MUSIC BLARING FROM CAR)

'..we were back in the field with Farmer Paul,

waiting for our brilliant billboard to arrive.'

It's a new job to me, this is. We're very excited about it.

We ain't seen it yet, you know, obviously.

Obviously when it arrives, you're gonna have to tell us

where we're allowed to put it. Well, we gotta go up the field.

Yeah.There's two there, and there's those two over there.

Somewhere in the middle. Yeah.OK.

I hope obviously, this being your plot, that you approve.

Everybody's gotta live and let live, haven't they?

Yeah. That's what I like to hear. Yeah, I like that.

Or... BOTH: # Live and let die #

He likes to sing. Well, you know.

It's important to sing, Paul, innit? You a singer?Claire, my wife, is.

Where is she, your missus? Well, she's gone to London

to some theatre or someone or other. Don't ask me.

(HORN HONKS) Here we go.

Oh, this is so... I can't. Oh, yes.

Get yourself in here, mate. As long as he can get it in here

without knocking the gateposts down, we're alright.

Go on, my son. It's massive!

(GATEPOSTS CREAKING)

What have we done here?

I don't think he can get it in, can he?Oh!

Oh, it's tight!

Oh, it's tight.

(APPLAUSE) Look at the size of that, Dan, look.

It ain't gonna be that big, is it? Yes.

Along here? Massive great trailer, isn't it?

Come out the way, Dan, before you die.

That's it, go out across there a bit now.That's it.

Well done.

What's that look like? That's the fucking one, innit?

Ooh.

If they can't see that, they shouldn't be driving on the road!

They'll be looking at that one so much,

they won't look at the Harts one. Yeah.

Well, it's who's got the best picture, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly, so. Have you seen your picture?

Er, yes.

Amazing, it is. It's perfect. Is it?

They know what they're doing, these people.

There they are, look. (HORN HONKS)

How the hell are they... They must be tall to get up there.

What, how tall do you think they are, eight foot?

No, it couldn't be me putting it up, would it? Imagine me, five foot one.

Diddy little thing. Says the one that ain't six foot.

Well, I actually had my height done. Yeah?

Five foot eleven and three quarters, I am.

It's not six, though. Well, it is, innit?

It's more six than not. It's not. It's not.

Sweet, boys.

Hello. Bit of a nutty job, this one, innit?

It is a bit. How you doing? Martin. How are you, son? Danny. Pleasure.

Hello, I'm Dani. Nice to meet you. Well, there's your blank canvas.

Right. Do you wanna crack on then, boys?

Let's get it over. There's your artwork, look.

Whoa, it's a big job, innit?

(JAZZY MUSIC)

I thought they just painted it on or something.

Well, it's a big poster, babe, innit?

It's the right way up, innit? Yeah.

Do you think the Earth is round? Huh?

Do you think the Earth is round? Definitely.

(DRILL WHIRS)

Why, do you think...? No, I do.

I was gonna say, you're not a flat-Earther, are you?

Them fucking loons.

(TOOLS WHIRRING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(LAUGHS) It's so funny!

Do you know what it is, Dan?

It's... It's nuts. Fucking perfect.

Do you think they'll like it?

'Next time...'

Oh, fucking hell.

'..the billboard goes down like warm lager...'

Holy shit. That's mental.

I'm not sure about that.

What are we trying to promote here?

A family-friendly holiday park, right? Family-run.

'..we let off some steam...' (CLATTERING)

I've had enough of ya! There you go, Dan.

(SCREAMS) Let's have it!

'..and sports day is back with a bang.'

Oh! Better than Gladiators, this, look.

# SUPERGRASS: Sun Hits The Sky #

Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky

# I know a place where the sun hits the sky

# Everything changes and blows out the night

# Everyone knows why my tongue can't be tied

# Cos I want to live where the sun... #