Original subtitles

All stand.

Please.

We meet in the presence of God, who holds the key of life and death.

We meet to remember the life of Elfie, who has died.

Thank you, Vicar. It was a lovely service. Mum would have been so pleased.

I'm delighted.

Interesting choice of music for the cremation. Yes, it was a great favourite

Mum's. Smoke gets in your eyes.

Gracie, I thank everyone for coming. Can we go now?

I'm talking to the Reverend Gilmartin, Maurice.

Yes, I can see that.

Nice service, Vicar. Well done. Cheers.

Can we go now? I'm getting hungry.

Maurice, I've got the Vicar here, I've got the crematorium here. I can get

another urn in seconds.

Don't tempt me.

Thank you so much for everything.

How are you doing, Grace? You all right? Oh, I'm fine, thanks, Leonie.

It must have been terrible for you to lose her so suddenly.

Yes, I know she was 85, but it's still a shock when it happens.

At least the old girl went quickly, which is all any of us can ask.

I'm still not convinced your loft ladder didn't have something to do with that.

Not again, Grace, please.

It only just installed the damn thing, and it came down... Just like that. It

was supposed to come down just like that. Not of its own accord. Not at

the morning. Not when my poor mother's trotting off to the loo. It didn't hit

her hard. It sent her flying.

You know, I mean, that sort of thing is bound to affect you, isn't it? That was

days before she died. Even the coroner said there was no connection.

I do hope you'll all come back to the house for a drink.

You'll come back to the house.

I'm going back?

Yes, but not for long. We've got things to do, haven't we, Dave?

Yeah.

She's still got you at it, Dave.

Oh, yes.

Don't be like that.

A lot of men are killed to have as much sex as you're having.

A lot of men are dying having as much sex as I'm having. Well, it's your own

fault. Was it my fault? He's got low mortality.

Oh, what's that?

It means you've got lazy sperm.

I haven't. You have? I haven't. You have? There's nothing wrong with my

They're just like him.

Big lazy bugger.

They should be whizzing about all over the place instead of waiting for the

on the floor for watching much of the day. Oh, I've had enough of this. I'm

going to see Rob.

Oh, no, you're not. I won't be a minute. Oh, no, Dave.

I promised him I'd pop round. I won't be long.

All right, but make sure you're not.

Oh, Dave, remind him he's having the kids tomorrow and tell him not to be

Will do. Thank you. And nothing alcoholic while you're round there.

what the doctor said.

Hiya. You didn't need to tidy up on my account.

Yeah, sorry about this. A bit behind on the orders.

Want a beer?

Ah, best not.

Any chance of a cup of tea?

Yeah.

Oh, um, Leonie said to remind you, you've got the kids all day tomorrow.

be late.

When have I ever been late for the kids?

Honestly, she's five miles away. She's still nagging me.

So,

How was Morris's funeral?

It wasn't Morris's funeral. It was his mother -in -law's. Yeah, I know, but I

can dream, can't I?

How was the old slaphead? He wasn't that upset she'd gone.

Mind you, give him his due. He did keep it down to a smirk for grace's sake.

So, you're still copying the old DVDs, eh?

I've got where I'm living, haven't I? I've got two houses to run, Leonie and

kids to keep.

This is wrong.

What? Well, it says Forrest Hump.

Yeah, that's right.

Hump.

You're not knocking old porn, are you? Well, don't say it like that. I'm only

copying them. I'm not starring in them.

Yeah, I think she's fair enough, all right.

Mind you, it was a bit of a blow.

One minute the old girl shouted the odds of Richard and Judy on the telly, the

next minute, gone.

Still, that's life, isn't it?

In the garden, if you're going to smoke that.

Can't do a bloody thing right in this place.

It's not just this place.

I must have won a grave when she was a teenager.

Oh, she looks the same as she does now.

Look who's here.

He's changed a bit.

Would anyone like another sandwich?

Oh, no, not for me.

Hey, Grace.

It looks like someone's been having a go at Maurice with a felt -tip pen.

Show me.

Oh, no, he did have hair when I married him.

Oh, my God, look who we have.

Big boy, isn't he?

Oh, no.

Woolen swimming trunks always used to sag like that when they got wet.

I thought it was all him.

I should be so lucky.

Look.

It's for their wedding.

Oh, doesn't it look marvellous?

Yeah.

Look at the date.

What? Look.

The date and the year.

So, how are things in Robbie land?

Yeah, great.

Life of a single man.

Tops.

Is it?

Yeah, you know.

I'm my own boss.

Come and go as I please. Brilliant.

If you say so, matey boy.

It's just, you know, I always thought you and Leone, you...

I don't know. It's just a shame it all worked out.

We were always really good together.

Yeah, well, that's all over now.

Water under the bridge.

And to be honest, I think she's probably happier without me.

Well, that's not what she said to Kath.

Right, well, I'm off.

Oh, hello, Dave. I thought I heard you, boy. Hey, Jackie. I didn't know you were

here. How are you doing?

Thanks, babe. How do you do?

Not bad, yeah. I've just been to a funeral this morning.

Lovely.

Anyone you knew?

Well, yeah, I mean, why else would I go?

I don't know. It was the mother of a friend of ours.

Oh. Why didn't you go, Rob?

Wasn't asked.

Well, I'd better get going.

They're expecting me back at Morrisville. All right, mate.

Hey, see you down at the Swan tomorrow night? About eight. I'll have dropped

kids off by then.

Magic. See you later, Jackie.

Bye, Dave.

Oh, I've got a dash too, babe. Now, you've not forgotten Saturday, have you?

Saturday? We're going down to Dungeness to see Mum and Dad.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Can't wait.

Oh, that's nice.

Time for a proper drink, I think.

I've had enough tea to threaten a Thames barrier.

Who's going to join me?

So what happens now, Grace?

Is she going to stay in the Garden of Rest?

Oh, no.

Tomorrow we're collecting our ashes.

And then on Saturday we're heading off to Yorkshire to scatter them on the

moors. Oh, how lovely.

She had some of her happiest times up there with my dad.

Holidays and odd weekends.

Their favourite part of the world.

Bloody Yorkshire.

All the way to bloody Yorkshire just to chuck her over the bloody moors. Yeah,

but if it's what she wanted.

Apparently she used to go with Jack a lot.

Well, there you go.

Well, she used to go to the glade shop in centre in Bromby a lot. Why can't we

scatter her there?

Make visiting a lot easier, that's for sure.

Of course, it's all a massive inconvenience to Morris. If it was down

we'd empty her in the bin like a hoover bag.

He keeps going on and on about how much it's going to cost him.

Fifty quid for petrol?

There's his food.

Staying over?

The hotel's got to cost 60 quid or more, hasn't it?

I wonder if I can borrow my mate's camper van again.

Morris, now come on. I know Elsie wasn't your favourite person, but you can't

really skimp on someone like this.

No.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

Especially since the old biddy might have left me a bit of legacy.

Really? Two French clocks, antiques.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, it will be if I'm getting my hands on them.

It'll be something for you to treasure, warn us.

Treasure?

I'm not keeping the bloody things. They're worth nearly ten grand.

Oh, as soon as probate's sorted, I'm off down to the auction house.

Jean, will you give these to Richard when he comes back? Get him to have a

at the figures. I think he's well.

Ah, good morning, David.

Marcus, this is a surprise.

A pleasant one, I hope. Oh, yes.

Always pleased to see my biggest customer.

Come up to my office, please. Yes, of course.

You've never been in the new premises before, have you? No, no, I haven't.

But I've often tried to envisage what the QBL empire would look like. And is

this how you imagined it? Sadly, yes.

Just in there, Marcus.

Welcome to the nerve centre.

Please, sir, take a seat. Thank you.

Can I give you a tea or a coffee?

No, thanks.

Right.

So, how can I help you? Well, actually, David, I need a favour.

Ask away, Marcus. You know I can deny you nothing.

I assume you're still going to that bathroom and shower exhibition in Leeds

Saturday? Yeah, yeah, we're staying over. Yeah, Kat's really excited.

Well, I want to get a birthday present to my brother -in -law, who lives not

from where you're going to be.

Not a problem, Marcus. You just tell me what you want me to get him. Oh, no, no,

no. I'm on my way to pick up the present myself.

It's just that I don't want to trust the delivery to some anonymous courier. It

is rather valuable.

Consider it done, Marcus. Consider it done.

Hey, why don't you come with us?

That way you can give the present to him yourself.

Plenty of room in the car.

Hotel and dinner on me, of course.

Tempting as a weekend in Leeds sounds, sadly I must decline. My wife's ghastly

family are descending upon us and I have been instructed to play the convivial

host.

Maybe next time, eh?

Yes. Well, I'll drop the gift off at your house this evening, if that's

convenient. Would you mind if it was a bit later tonight? It's just Kat's got a

salsa clap and I'm supposed to meet Rob for a drinker. Where?

The White Swan. What time will you be there?

For eight -ish. Very well. I'll see you then.

It will be awfully nice to see Rob again.

I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see you too.

Yes, I'm sure.

Let me show you out. Thank you.

Gracie!

I'm in here.

Here she is. Home at last.

A carrier bag.

You brought my mother home in a carrier bag.

Well, I didn't want to sit on the bus with an urn. People would stare.

A bus? I told you to take a cab, Morris.

Yeah, but you know what a cab would cost.

Anyway, I got me a bus pass.

Silly not to use it.

I didn't have to pay any more for her.

She sat on me lap.

I had a bit of a peek inside.

It's amazing what little room she actually occupies.

Consider the amount of space she took up here.

There you are, Mum.

There's a nice spot for you.

You're not going to leave her there, are you? It's only for the weekend.

I booked the hotel, by the way. It looks very nice.

How much?

£120.

£120?

Where do we stay in the Hilton?

I don't know why we have to stop over.

We could go up and back in a day if we went by train.

I mean, three hours up, scatter the ashes, three hours back, be home in bed

a mug of cocoa by eleven. Well, why bother getting off the train at all? We

could just get on the Intercity 125 and chuck her out the window.

Now, you're just being silly. Oh, better still, we've got Dan and Muriel at

Dadcaster. We could get them to scatter the ashes for us. We could just shove

Mother in a jiffy bag and post her to them.

You're more trouble now than when you were alive.

So when we saw the date on the wedding photograph, we realised that the day

Morris and Grace will be scattering the ashes in Yorkshire is also their 40th

wedding anniversary.

Well, never said anything.

Well, that's the point, Dave.

They haven't said anything because they aren't doing anything.

They've been too wound up with the funeral.

It's a shame, isn't it?

They should do something to celebrate, shouldn't they? That's just what we were

thinking. So, Leonie suggested that we organise something special. Special for

them this weekend.

Well, we can't, can we? We're doing so on ourselves this weekend.

Yes, Dave.

We're in Leeds.

Which is... where?

Oh!

Oh, yeah!

So we're staying just outside Leeds. That way I can do my business in the

and we can drive up to the Moose to scatter Elsie's ashes.

And in between, we're going to surprise Morris and Grace with a nice meal for

their anniversary.

Sounds good. So who's going?

Well, Morris and Grace, obviously.

Me and Kath and, um, Leone.

What about me?

You? Yeah, me.

Or am I getting frozen out again?

Oh, come on, Robbie, no, it's not like that.

I'd love to invite you, it's just... Well, it would be awkward.

I don't see how.

You and Leone in a car together.

Well, you and Morris in a car together, for that matter.

Either way, it's a recipe for some serious friction.

Can't see you wanting that, eh?

Saturday, you say?

Yeah? What time are you leaving? Oh, you're not thinking of coming, are you,

mate, you boy?

Yeah. We are talking about two days with Morris here. I know, but he's my

favourite sport. Don't deny me that. What about Leonie? Oh, it'll be fine. We

can cope. We're grown up.

Well, she is.

Besides, being stuck in a car with them two is infinitely preferable than going

to Poxy Dungeness.

What are you going there for?

Jackie wants me to meet her parents.

Oh, dear.

Exactly.

Anyway, a couple of days away from Jack's won't hurt.

I thought you two were getting on all right. Yeah, well... I think all right

just about covers it.

So come on then, am I going or not?

Yeah, yeah, of course. I'll give you a buzz when I've sorted out the details.

Cool. And remember, it's anniversary due. It's a secret, so don't say

Yep, no worries.

Ah, David, there you are. Oh, I just felt a strange disturbance in the force.

Tell me that's not who I think it is.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Lord Snooty.

Hello, Rob. I see you've graduated to cutlery. You are coming on in leaps and

bounds. Are you just going to stand there making snide comments or are you

to get around him? Mine's a pint. No, that's all right, Marcus.

Keith, can I have a large Glenfiddich, please? How kind.

Cheers.

Oh, you feel guilty now. I didn't get you anything.

Do you want a tip?

I think not.

So how's it going, Marcus?

Still shooting peasants out of season? How frightfully droll you are.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I've come to see David about this little trip to Yorkshire.

Oh, you're not coming, are you? He's not coming, is he? No, he's not. Thank God

for that. For a moment, a weekend in Dungeness was starting to look very

appealing. No offence, Mark. None taken, I assure you. Now, David has very

kindly offered to deliver this package to my brother -in -law in Leeds.

Here are all the details, time, place, etc.

Excellent. You can depend on me.

Why don't you just post it to him?

It's valuable.

And fragile.

Anyway, that's why I've entrusted it to a good and loyal friend.

No worries, Margaret. You leave it to me.

Well, business concluded here. I think I'll be on my way.

Hope all goes well with the party.

Thank you. Bring us back a volleyball.

Oh, very good. You must keep your friends amused for hours.

Bye. Bye, Marcus. I'll see you later.

You take care.

Will you call it?

Please. He's just a large whisky and has to drive him home. I thought I'd stop

him. He's got a chauffeur.

Oh, yeah.

Bummer.

I'm so touched that everyone wants to come up to Yorkshire with us. Yeah.

And with Dave Teckler's all in that bus of his, it's going to save a few bucks.

Not everything's about money, Morris.

Oh.

No, no, no, of course not. You're quite right.

So, how's the will looking?

Any surprises?

I'm still getting the clocks, aren't I?

Well, that depends.

Depends?

What do you mean, depends?

Depends on what?

Good night, dear.

Gracie?

Hello, you.

Oh, hi, Kath. I thought you'd be asleep already.

No, darling.

I've been waiting up for you.

Hurry up.

At least let me get in the room first.

All right.

Go and get washed.

I'll be waiting.

Oh, come on, Kath.

Can I not have a night off? Just for once? No, Dave.

Look.

It's all here in my diary.

Oh, er, you found it.

Yeah, I did.

Look, we have a window of opportunity and I'm not going to miss it. Remember

what the doctor said.

So come on, get a move on. Kath, please.

I'm exhausted. I can't go on like this morning, noon and night.

I mean, you wouldn't do this to a lawnmower, would you?

What's a lawnmower got to do with anything?

It's the same thing.

Look, you get great results from a lawnmower if you use it once a week.

No need to drag it out of the shed and whack it around the garden every four

hours, is there?

Just knacker the engine out, do you know what I mean?

Yes, darling, I do.

Really? Yes, of course.

Oh, God.

Now hurry up and get your kit off.

Morning. Morning, all.

Hiya. We'll come round and pick you up.

I wish you had.

This thing weighs a ton.

What have you got in there?

Oh, just a few bits and bobs.

Blimey.

Is that the urn, Morris?

Yeah, this is Elsie.

What's left of her.

Hey, Dave.

Quick impression.

Who's this?

Mike Gatting carrying off the ashes.

Do you want to put Elsie in the back, Maurice? You could wedge her between the

cases. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Oh, no, no.

Maurice is carrying her, aren't you, dear?

Ah, yeah, that's right, yes. Yes, I am. It's one of the conditions of Mum's will

that Maurice carries the urn all the time until the scattering tomorrow.

Otherwise I don't get the clocks.

Otherwise he doesn't get the clocks.

I'll let you know about the other conditions as we get to them.

Other conditions?

Right, as soon as Rob gets here, we'll be off.

Are you all right about Rob coming? Oh, yeah, it's fine. I see enough of him as

it is.

Well, that's nice, isn't it? Nobody asks me if I'm all right about him coming.

Bloody vandal.

Oh, it's all right. He's here.

Morning, Roberto.

All right?

That's old Titted this morning behaving himself.

I thought we weren't going to have any aggro, Rob. What, with my bitter and

estranged wife and the neighbour from hell in the same car?

No, you told me you were going to be cool.

Stop panicking. I'm winding you up.

Morning, all.

How are you, Morris? All right?

What? I'm waiting for your usual sarky comment.

Well, come on, let's have it.

No, I'm pacing myself. Don't want to peak too soon.

All right?

Fine. You?

Yeah.

Kids with your mum, are they? Yes.

I thought it would be nice for them to stay with the responsible adult for a

change. What have I done now?

Fizzy drinks and chocolate.

Is that your idea of a balanced meal?

Well, they seem to like it. Of course they seem to like it. They're children,

Rob. But by the time they got home, they were completely uncontrollable.

Well, they had a good time. Yeah, I know they had a good time. They always have

a good time with you. You spoil them rotten. But you're not the one that has

drag them down from the pelmets.

Well, I'm sorry. I'll leave them in the car next time.

Don't be ridiculous.

Just be a bit more responsible. That's all I'm asking.

Woo!

Right. Yorkshire, here we come.

It's her.

Hey, hey.

What the bloody hell are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing?

We're going to Yorkshire, aren't we? No, you're going to Dungeness. No, you said

we couldn't go to Dungeness. We're going to Yorkshire instead. No, I said that

we couldn't go to Dungeness because we were going to Yorkshire. You see, it's

two different we's.

Oh, no.

No, I didn't get that at all.

Anyway.

I'm here now. Yeah, I can see you're here now.

Where do you want me to sit?

At home.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

How do you think you're going?

I'm getting in. No, you're not listening to me, are you? You cannot come with

us.

Leonie's here.

So what?

So what? I can't have you and her in the same car.

Well, this is a turn up, isn't it? Oh, be quiet, Maurice.

And stop drumming on mother.

Would you like me to have a word?

Explain things.

No, it's fine. Tell her she can come.

What?

Tell her, will you, Dave?

Well, I don't think that's such a good idea, do you?

It's fine, honestly.

Yeah, but she's the woman who... Yeah, I know who she is, Dave. Just tell her

she can come, will you, please?

OK.

I hope you know what you're doing.

I can't see any sense in this at all.

I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'm bothered.

He's got another woman so bloody wotsy if I care.

Well, that's very, um, grown up.

Anyway, it's not me who's going to feel embarrassed, it's him.

And it serves him right as well.

Excuse me.

Up front.

You want me?

Yeah.

I just wanted to say I hope this isn't too awkward for you.

No, it's fine.

I could have died when Robbie told me his ex -wife was on board. Not ex.

I'm still his wife.

You're his wife?

Yes.

That's Leonie?

Yes.

So who's she, then?

She is Kath, Dave's wife.

Oh.

Oh, I got it all mixed up.

You're not at all like he described.

How was that, Rob?

Yes. How was that, Rob?

Oh, God.

Actually, that's easier. It means I don't have to shout.

As I was saying, I hope this isn't too awkward for you. It's not awkward in the

least. It's fine.

Oh, good.

There you are, you see?

She's not unreasonable at all.

You should have heard him just now. He was all over the place, eh, Rob?

See, what blokes don't get is that women can handle awkward situations like

this.

It's because we're more mature.

Don't you think?

Yeah, well, maybe.

Yeah.

You see?

Isn't she nice?

Yeah. Terrific.

Unreasonable, Rob. I don't even remember saying it. Yeah, you did. When we first

started seeing each other, don't you remember?

Yeah, all right. Can we just... Please?

Thank you.

Sorry.

Maurice.

I'm not going to lie to you.

It's a comfort thing, isn't it?

Get yourself a dummy. That thing stinks.

And what do you say about me to the kids, Rob?

I don't say anything about you to the kids.

You think my pipe smells, Cathy?

Don't drag... calf into this. Yes, it bloody stinks.

Oh, shut up, the lot of you. I've had enough.

We're not even at Swanley yet. All you've done is bicker and snipe at each

like schoolchildren.

Well, I can stop right now, all right?

We're going to scatter Grace's mum's ashes and we're going to have a right

doing it. And I know that came out all wrong, but you know what I mean.

No, you're absolutely right, Dave. We should have a good time.

This trip should be fun.

Goodness knows my mother liked to laugh.

Really?

I must have been out there afternoon.

Oi! Right,

so no more arguing and no more sniping.

All right?

All right? Sorry, Dave.

Yeah, sorry, Dave.

We're all going on a summer holiday.

No more working for a week or two.

For a... None laughter on a summer holiday.

No more worries for me and you.

For a week or two.

We're going where the sun shines brightly.

We're going where the sun shines brightly.

You're having a good time.

When are we stopping for lunch?

I'll go to this little place called The George in Stamford. It's like a little

coaching inn.

Ooh, that sounds nice.

But it's expensive.

It's off to Leeds. Check in.

I've got to have a shook you on the exhibition.

Back for dinner.

Sunday morning, drop off the parcel and come up to the moose about noon, if

that's all right with you, Grace.

Yeah, fine with me.

Yes, Sam, with the traffic news, what's happening on the road, Sam?

Well, Roy, we're just getting news in of an oil spillage on the A1 just south of

Wandsford. Travelling is tailing right back all the way to Junction 17 on the

A1M. Please bar advice and drivers to find alternative routes.

We'll update you with more info as we get.

The best point of where I'm going.

You got an atlas in the car, Dave?

I don't need an atlas, matey boy.

I've got a compass in me head, eh?

So, these are our choices.

Garthorpe, Sproxton, Tay, Wimbledon.

Come on then, Cachise, which one?

I don't know.

What is it that stops men looking at maps?

It's like they're afraid to admit they need help.

It's the same with instruction books.

Whenever we bought something new, Rob would always shove them in the back of

drawer. My day of just that.

You'll never refer to them, even when things start going wrong.

Well, they never want to admit defeat, do they? They always think they know

better. I reckon... it's an ego thing.

So come on then, make a decision.

Garthorpe, why don't we just retrace our steps and go back to the last main

road? Why don't you just... Actually, that's not a bad idea, is it, Ames?

We're turning around.

It was my idea.

Oh, I think so.

Nothing broken.

It's mum alright.

Did they mean to do that?

Bloody hell.

Anything? No.

You? No.

Maybe we should get Bald Eagle to send a smoke signal.

Tell you what, I'll walk down a bit, see if I can find a house.

Come on, Morris.

We're going for help.

Oh, all right, love.

Rob?

Yeah. I won't be long, love.

It's not the end of the world, matey boy.

These things happen. Yeah. Every time we get into a car together.

Never used to be like this.

In fact, it only started going pear -shaped when old Chet Ed came on board.

You're having a go at me again? Well, it needs to be said. The name Jonah does

spring to mind.

Oh, thanks very much.

I suppose it's only a matter of time before you chuck me out of the car and

drive off without me. Works for me, Dave.

Leave him alone.

Haven't you got lovely skin?

Sorry?

I noticed it straight off. It's really creamy.

Well, thank you.

You see, when you get to her age, you expect your skin to get a bit wrinkled

leathery. Oh, dear.

Oh, no, don't take it like that, Grace. There's loads you can do.

Come into the salon. I'll sort you out.

Come Wednesdays. It's half -price for old people.

How could I refuse?

You can come too, Cass.

Get your sebaceous duct sorted out.

My what?

Your sebaceous ducts.

They're overactive.

That's why you've got such terrible oily pores.

You need a good astringent, you do. Proper cleanser.

Come in for a scrub.

But you, well, there's nothing to do there, is there?

Fabulous complexion. What moisturiser do you use? Don't do this.

Don't do what? Don't try and be my friend. I'm not interested.

No, I wasn't. I was just saying... I know what you were saying, but I don't

to hear it.

Right, let's get one thing straight. You were only here because I didn't want

Rob thinking he had won over on me. That's all. Nothing more.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you think it's open?

Not since 1941.

I said it's open.

Afternoon, gents.

Hiya. I wonder if you could help us.

We've driven the car into a ditch a couple of miles up the road.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Well, we best tow you out, then.

Roland, get the truck.

Have you sorted in no time?

How's it looking?

You've cracked the flange on your axle casing.

Is that bad?

It's quiet here, isn't it?

Can't be much passing trade.

None. No -one ever comes to Little Missingham, ever.

No, not any more. Not since Bypass come through.

Bypass? Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't see it. It's only a quarter of a mile

from where you were.

I've got a compass in my head, he says.

Shame you haven't got something more useful, like a brain.

Thank you.

So how do you make a living right out here, then? Well, as well as the garage,

I've got the beetroot farm.

And young Roland, yeah, well, he's the real businessman.

He sells these late -flowering geraniums in the village.

Hey, Roland, I've got to talk to Harvey about getting parts for the car.

Why don't you show the fort your greenhouse?

Oh, no, Dad, they won't be interested in that. Of course they will.

Go on, give them the guided tour.

Right, well, I'm going.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

No, let's go for a nice walk.

Okay.

I'll see you in a bit.

Come then, pumpkin.

Oh, yeah, off you go, pumpkin.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is she? Oh, she's typical, believe me.

Oh, you're a bit busy.

Yeah, isn't he just?

Hey, Rob, aren't these late -flowering geraniums?

They're not very colourful, are they?

That's because they haven't flowered yet.

Just the one variety you grow, is it? Yeah, they're very popular.

I'll bet they are.

So, this is it, is it?

Well, I've got two more polytunnels.

Really? What's in them?

The same.

Oh, really?

Really.

Yeah, well, thanks for the tour. Very educational.

I think I'll go back and join the others.

Yeah, I think I'll come with you.

You coming around? Yeah, I'll just be a minute.

Three greenhouses.

You must be making a fortune.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, please.

Late flowering geraniums. Give me a break. If this lot caught fire, half the

county would be stoned. Oh, look, you're not going to say anything to anybody,

are you?

No, no, no.

We're cool.

Um, listen, you haven't got any that's good to go, have you?

Now, there's an unlikely pairing.

I'm going to watch your step, Grace. She'll be running off with your Morris

next. She'll have to stop every five minutes so he can catch his breath.

Well, how was it?

A bit boring, really. He only grows one type of plant.

So, we're off to Yorkshire, then?

Hopefully. Why Yorkshire?

Oh, because it was one of my mum's favourite places.

She thought it was very romantic.

Well, she's not wrong there.

You watch Emmerdale or Heartbeat. There's always a good love story going

them.

OK. Right, how are we doing?

We're so into hearing about the car.

Well, I'm afraid I can't get the parts till Tuesday.

So what do we do now?

Ah, well, might be able to help you there.

There you go.

Beauty, isn't she? Well, of all the words to describe it, beauty wouldn't be

of my list.

Hey, don't be fooled by her looks. She's a little classic.

Hiya.

Oh, hello.

We were wondering when you were going to get back.

Ah, yeah, we've just been off, erm, exploring.

Yeah, we heard you exploring.

Did you?

I told you.

So, erm, what's the news on the car?

Oh, we've cracked the flange in the axle casing.

Yeah, we know that, Jackie.

So can you fix it? Not till Tuesday, so I've suggested you borrow this. You can

return it when you pick up the Peugeot. That's very kind of you. Thanks very

much. Hang on.

That'll only take five and the seven of us here. Hey, we're mum.

Not a problem.

Sugar Milburn rents out cars.

Roland will run you over to his place.

Ah, well, there you go, then. You go sit in the car and we'll see you later,

yeah? Oh, lovely. We'll have a girly day out, eh, girl?

Oh, great.

Right, shall I drive?

Do you know where we're going?

No, but we can't make a bigger mess of it than they did.

Just go down there about five miles and you'll see the signs for the main road.

Take care, darling. You too. You drive safely.

Mind how you go, Maurice, and look after Mum.

No problem.

She's in safe hands.

See you later, babe.

Yeah, OK.

Keep your mobile switched on. We'll keep in touch.

Later.

Here. I can see the road.

Yeah, well, we can all see the road. No, down here through the floor.

Bye -bye.

Let's get you lads sorted.

I don't know what Vernon's on.

I've not hired cars here for years.

No, it's aircraft these days. A bit of local crop spraying and a bit of

Charter, eh? Oh, perfect.

Eh? How much are the flowers to Yorkshire?

Three of you?

600 quid.

600 quid?

That's a bit too much for us.

It's all right. We can't do it any cheaper, I'm afraid.

We'll, er...

Get on the main road, find a towel.

Thanks anyway.

600.

It's all right, it's all right.

Don't panic.

OK, now, she's just lying there, so all we have to do is scoop her up, stick her

back in the urn, and no -one will be any the wiser. Good idea, Robbie. You get

some paper.

I'll find a brush. Have you got a brush?

Good idea.

Do you know what's wrong with it?

Nope. So why are you staring at the engine?

It's what Dave does.

Well, does it make any difference?

No.

You just stare at the tip, swear at the tip, then call the AA.

This is an adventure, isn't it? Eh, boys?

Oh, we're having a right laugh.

Oh, sight -blitzing. I have never been so happy.

Marjorie, I suppose we should be grateful that this thing's empty and not

of ticks.

Or are you saving that for the way home?

Oh,

you're not going to light up again, are you? Yes, I am.

I'm going to be smoking all the way to Yorkshire.

Well, if I fill this thing somehow, there's hardly any of her in here now.

Oh, hey, excellent.

Got a signal again. It'll be Kath.

Hello, sexy.

How's it going?

I'm very well, thank you, David, and thank you for the unexpected compliment.

Hello, Marcus. I thought it was Kath. Oh, it's an easy mistake to make.

So how is the trip going?

Oh, yeah, it's going very well, yeah, no problem at all. I'll be there in the

morning to meet your brother -in -law right on time. You reckon?

Excellent. I knew I'd chosen the right man for the job.

Do give my best wishes to Rob. I assume you've bought him some crayons and a

colouring book for the journey.

What's he saying?

Yeah, he said his best wishes.

All right, Magus, I'll see you later.

Yeah, bye.

Yoni. Mm -hm?

I'm really sorry.

Well, it's not your fault we've broken down.

No, I mean what's happened with Rob and me.

You know, look, Jackie, Rob is Rob.

If it wasn't you, it'd be somebody else.

You're not the first. You're probably not even the 21st.

I don't know why he does it.

Because you're really nice.

And I know he still worries about you.

Does he?

Good. Right, looks like we're walking.

Well, what about this thing? We can't just leave it here.

Of course we can.

We'll get Dave to sort it out later.

We're walking.

What have you got in that thing?

Oh, just a few bits and bobs.

Right. Well,

let's see if we can find a bus stop. I can't believe you lot.

I mean, why walk when there are cars passing by?

Leave it to me.

Are you going anywhere near Leeds?

Yeah, I am.

So what do you reckon Marcus is giving his brother -in -law then?

I don't know.

Probably something expensive, though.

Crystal glasses or laptop.

Could be money.

That's a bit impersonal, isn't it?

Like giving someone a book token. No, I mean a lot of money.

Like a box full.

Why would he give him that?

Well, maybe this bloke isn't Marcus's brother -in -law at all. Maybe this is

some kind of payoff.

The service is rendered.

One of Marcus's dodgy deals.

You really do see the worst in people, don't you, Rob?

I do my best.

Well, I wonder where we are.

Hard to see much.

Hey, some ducks.

Hang on a minute.

That's a goose.

Hey!

Hey, Rob, it's a swan.

Beautiful bird, that.

Thank you so much for stopping. You've really got us out of a jam.

Well, I'm going to Knaresborough, which is not a million miles away from where

you want to go anyway.

And I can hardly leave such attractive women standing by the roadside.

Oh, that's tough.

Um, this is Grace.

Thank you so much.

Uh, Kath. Hi. Uh, Jackie, and I'm Leonie.

Hi. I'm Ben.

I'm more or less.

She's putting on weight.

Did you get it? It's hysterical.

Good news, lads. There's a station just up the road.

Station means trains. Trains means in the city. We'll be in Yorkshire in no

time. Right.

She's going to bring the food over in a minute.

Oh, come.

Hello, Elsie. You come and sit near me.

It's the quietest she's been in years.

Until I tell you, she's putting on weight.

See, boy, he's on weight.

You all right, Morris?

Yeah.

A bit with him?

Well, let's just say he's not exactly smoking St Bruno.

Eh?

Well, you know those late -flowering geraniums?

Mm -hm. They weren't late -flowering geraniums.

I'm not with you, matey -boy.

OK, um, Morris has gone to pot.

Pot for me.

Don't believe you.

Wicked bugger.

The happiest I've seen him.

Right. Here we are then. Who's the battered cod?

He is.

I'm the battered cod.

And here's your cutlery.

So I'm guessing from your accent that Nairdsborough isn't exactly home for

No, I'm from Toronto.

Oh, Canada. Oh, that wonderful scenery.

The Rockies and the pine forests and the lakes, fantastic.

Sounds like you've been.

Well, with my husband, you're joking. I'm lucky to get to leave.

So what's in there, bro?

I've got family there, visiting for the weekend.

From Canada?

I don't know.

I live in the UK now.

Really?

Fancy. Hello?

Dave?

It's a long story, Cap.

I'm afraid we're on foot now.

It's all right, because there's a train station just up the road.

It's a bit complicated.

I'll call you in a bit, love.

Bye -bye.

Still looks a bit pasty.

No, no, I love the cinema. I just prefer to go to the theater. Me too, but I

never get a chance to go.

Rob's idea of the performing arts generally involved a girl in high heels

chromium -plated pole.

So who's Rob?

Rob's my husband.

For the time being. Yes, thank you, Claire.

They've separated.

Yes, we've separated.

They're living completely apart.

Yes, all right.

Sorry to hear that.

Well, it was just one of those things.

And I started playing around with another woman.

That'd be me.

That'd be her.

Here we go.

That's the thing to be angry about.

Fine, never mind. We'll pay on the train.

Hey, hey, hey. I was up for timing.

Where's this going? Hogwarts?

Towns mean trains, and trains mean intercity, huh?

Look at it. The countryside's a blur.

You all right there, Morris?

Yeah. Yeah, I know this may seem dark.

I've got this really strange feeling I've gone back in time.

Oh, you have, mate. Trevor Arden and Celia Johnson are in the next

Really?

Cold in here.

It's not exactly the Orient Express, is it? Stop mourning, will you?

We're nearly at a town. When we get there, we'll hire a car. We'll be fine,

right? Yeah, that's nice.

No sign of them.

I suspect they're in the first class.

Yeah, that'll be it.

Of course, it might not be money.

Eh? In there.

Might be drugs.

Oh, you may laugh, mate, but to me it's glaringly obvious.

Yeah. Marcus Forster is probably Marcus Escobar, drug baron.

And even as we speak, he's sorting out his next shipment from Colombia.

That's it.

Why didn't I see it? He's got us delivering his drugs for him. What we

Viagra? Paracetamol?

What do you mean, we?

You're the one he asked. You're his mule.

Mule? Yeah, mule.

You know, some mug employed by a drug dealer to shove half a ton of cocaine up

his jacksy and smuggle it into the country. You're lucky he gave you a box,

mate.

Yeah. I don't want anything to do with drugs.

Oh, hang on.

Kath. How you, love?

Yeah, we're on a train at Laff. Where are you?

Ah, right.

Eh?

Who's Ben?

Leone?

What? Ah, nothing.

Eh?

Where are... How are we, Rob?

Just coming through Trampton.

We're not sure.

Listen, give us a call when you get to the hotel.

I'm pretty tired, really.

Why?

Oh, give it a rest, Kath.

Remember what I said about the lawnmower?

Yeah.

Yeah, see you later.

Who? Who do you think?

Oh, yes.

He fancies you. No.

He does.

What are you going to do about it?

Do?

I'm not going to do anything.

You may have forgotten, but I'm a married woman.

Yes, isn't that your husband's mistress over there?

Listen what forceful it is. Oh, for goodness sake, Grace. I'm just coming

one disastrous relationship. The last thing I need is to step back into

one. I'm not suggesting you should marry the man. I'm just saying...

Don't be negative. Take a chance.

You don't know where these things can lead.

This could be fate.

Yes, well, it was fate that put me and Rob together.

This could be different. You don't know.

Let me look at him.

He's got a lovely smile.

He's obviously well set up.

I bet he's dynamite in there. Christ!

I'll ask him. Would you stop it?

again. I need me to navigate.

Ah, no, it's pretty straight forward from here. That's what you said last

just before you got us all lost.

Hey, it was nice of that train driver to give us a mash from his smokebox.

It's as warm as Elsie's been since the cremation.

That's not Elsie, Morris, you remember?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Strange how your mind plays tricks, doesn't it?

Anybody mind if I smoke?

Oh, yes.

Go on, have a puff. Thanks for everything, Ben. You've been a godsend.

I'm happy to have helped.

Yeah, thanks, babe.

Anytime. It's nice meeting you guys.

Hope the rest of the weekend goes okay.

Ben?

Are you doing anything this evening?

This evening?

Yes. Because we're having dinner in the hotel and we thought you might like to

join. Just our little way of saying thank you. Oh, Grace, I'm sure he's got

better things to do.

I'm sure he hasn't.

What do you think? Would you like to join us?

Well, yeah.

I'd love to.

Do you know, at one point I thought you were going to pick me up and throw me at

him. After a couple of drinks tonight, you'll probably do that yourself.

She's right, you know, Leonie. Men don't react to subtlety at all. Right, and

you'd know all about subtlety, Jackie.

Oh, yeah.

And, of course, Gracia, she knows better than I do. She's been around.

A woman of her age, I mean, she's got years of experience.

Yes, thank you. Years and years.

Yes, I think we get the picture. Thank you, Jackie.

Any news, Kath?

Yes, I've spoken to Dave. They've hired a car and they'll be here in about an

hour. Oh, marvellous.

We've got time for another drink.

I was beginning to get quite worried about you.

I was fine.

It was quite an adventure, really.

We had some very interesting conversations.

And do you know what surprised me?

Rob. He was delightful.

He never once objected to me smoking my pipe.

I'll tell you what, though.

I'm really hungry now.

When's dinner?

Right, we're eating at eight, which gives me...

An hour and a half to have a quick shower and a bit of kip.

Or something else.

Eh?

Come on, Rob.

Nice hotel, big comfy bed.

Shame to waste it. Yeah, uh, listen, Jack, would you mind if we didn't? Only,

um, Billy's not in the mood.

Oh. What's up?

Nothing. Just don't feel like it.

Nothing to do with Leonie being here, is it? Now, what makes you say that? No.

It's nothing to do with Leonie.

I tell you what, I'm going to have a nice hot bath.

Oh, not too hot.

Hey. Well, remember what the doctor said. We don't want you lowering your

count. I'm going to have that bugger struck off.

Hey, and don't be too long. We've still got time for a quickie before dinner.

Oh, Kath.

Oh, come on.

What? Well, we've got to keep trying if you're ever going to have this baby.

Oh, for God's sake, you and your bloody baby.

I didn't mean that.

It just came out.

I thought you wanted this baby as well, Dave.

I do.

You know I do.

Because if you don't, just say, don't do this just for my sake.

I'm not.

I'm just... I'm just tired, that's all.

I know it's been tough on you, love. Don't be daft.

I go on and on nagging at you all the time. I know I do. I don't mind.

I'm sorry. Don't apologise, Kath.

It's not you, it's me.

I'm scared, Dave.

I'm running out of time here.

I can't just do it to order.

Can't we... Can't we make love because we want to?

Tell you what, I'll have a quick bath.

Cold one.

You get yourself sorted and by the time I come back I'll be ready for action.

How's that sound?

I've heard it expressed more romantically.

I'll settle for that.

Are you sure?

Of course I am.

I love you, you know.

So, what's with the bad spin, Marie?

It's one of the conditions of Mum's will.

There are more tomorrow.

No problem.

Looking forward to it.

Ladies and gents, I'd just like to say a few words.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's going to make us feel... Yeah.

Well, all I wanted to say is... Sorry I'm late. The traffic's terrible.

Oh, you must be Ben. Hi, pleased to meet you. I'm Dave, Kath's husband.

It's Maurice.

Grace's husband.

This is Rob.

It was very pleased to meet you.

I'm sure. Please, take a seat.

Hello. Hello, how are you?

Glad you made it. I thought you got lost. Traffic was terrible.

Who's Ben?

He's the bloke that gave it the lift.

Didn't I tell you?

No.

Gorgeous, isn't he?

Heartbreaking. What's he doing here?

Leonie invited him.

Did she?

I know we're... Sorry.

I know we're all in Yorkshire for a very solemn occasion, but it's also a very

happy occasion, because tomorrow is Grace and Maurice's Ruby wedding

anniversary.

Now, I know you've probably not had a chance to think about it with everything

that's been going on, but we all think that moments like this should be

recognised. Oh, no.

No, just a minute, Dave. Please, Grace, let me finish. I also want you to know

that this evening's meal is on me.

and are fully intent for us to push the board out. Oh, no, Dave, hang on a

minute. Grace, please, I've had a good year and it's my pleasure.

Now, ladies and gents, would you join me in a toast to Morris and Grace?

Happy anniversary.

To Morris and Grace.

This is very nice, but it's not our anniversary.

It's in November.

It's the 38th, not the 40th. But we saw the photograph in your album.

Of you and Morris outside the church?

It was dated 40 years ago tomorrow.

Oh, that wasn't me.

Ah, that would have been my sister's wedding.

I was giving her away.

Oh, we assumed it was you.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

We've cocked it up, haven't we? We were going to surprise you, we've cocked it

up. There's a novelty.

Oh, no, it's lovely of you. I think we're very lucky to have such good

don't you, Morris?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

You will still be paying for the dinner, won't you, Dave?

Of course I am.

I love Simon and Garfunkel. Actually, I

went to their concert in Hyde Park. So did I.

I remember seeing you there.

Oh, no, I was right at the back in the standing section.

Where were you?

Well... I bet you had to rent my seat, didn't you?

No, no, no.

I was at least three rows back.

So you come with us tomorrow morning, Rob?

Rob?

Sorry, what? Come with us tomorrow morning. Deliver the parcel.

Yeah.

What's the dress code for tomorrow, Grey?

Only I've never scattered ashes before.

Oh, well, don't wear your Sunday best, for goodness sake.

Am I still carrying the urn tomorrow?

Oh, yes.

Right. How many more conditions are there, Grace?

Not many.

And in return for doing them, I get two very nice clocks.

Stop it.

Have you seen all this at the end?

She's doing it deliberately to wire me up.

Just ignore it, mate. It's nothing.

I'm not sitting here watching this.

Well, here we are.

Yep.

Here we are.

I told you I could find it on my own.

Resourceful girl.

I'm really sorry I kept you up so late. I completely lost track of time.

Well, do you hear me complaining?

No.

I've had a really nice time tonight, Ben.

What's this?

We going somewhere?

Not we, babe, just me.

Oh, what's wrong?

Nothing. No, come on, you don't pack a bag in the middle of the night over

nothing. Is it something I said?

Nothing you've said, Rob.

It's just time for me to go, that's all.

At one o 'clock in the morning?

Look, Rob, when we first started this, it was just for a laugh, yeah?

Two married people having a bit on the side.

That's exciting, isn't it?

Very. That's what's changed.

I met Leonie.

That's what changed.

I quite like her.

Yeah, well, I like her too.

It's more than that, Rob.

You should have seen the way you were looking at her across the dinner table.

You couldn't take your eyes off her. Yeah, well, that was because I was

it a bit strange watching her flirt with that bloke Ben all night.

I'm sorry if I cut you out of things. I was probably a bit jealous.

What I saw was more than jealousy, babe.

I think you've still got it big time for her.

Jax, please don't be silly.

I know what I saw.

I know you think I'm dippy, and maybe I am.

But I'm not stupid.

Better if I just get out of the way.

Look, I've got to run.

I've got a taxi coming.

The train's at two.

Jax, please.

Thanks for everything, sweetheart.

Take care.

The thing is, when you boil it all down, put just a tiny speck

in the universe.

A 60 -watt bowl in the star -spangled cosmos.

A crumb on the tablecloth of life.

It's a very humbling experience.

Don't you think so?

Yes, of course you do.

You're even lower down the evolutionary scale than I am.

No, I wouldn't have said so.

No, don't get me wrong, old chap. I wasn't trying to be offensive.

Sorry.

Yes?

Behind you.

Oh, hello, Grace. What are you doing?

I was just finishing a bit of a chat with Archie here.

Has he got much to say for himself?

No, not really.

You off somewhere?

Yeah. Home.

A bit of time of night. Why?

Well, I think we both know the answer to that one, eh?

You were at dinner.

Yes.

Well, I wish you luck, Jackie.

Oh, thanks.

It's been nice meeting you, Grace.

And you too, Maurice.

Yeah. Cheerio.

Hope it all goes OK for you tomorrow.

Oh, thank you.

Safe journey.

Done.

Hmm.

Someone's smoking dope.

Dope?

You know, dope.

Grass. The old wacky -backy. Well, you must be able to smell it.

Oh, well.

Better go.

Darling.

Goodbye.

Bye.

I think we'd better get you to bed, Morris.

I'll just finish this. I think you've had enough.

Really?

I'll be up in a minute.

They sure you are.

There's women for you, Archie.

They're a breed apart.

So, um, no Ben?

No. No Jackie?

No. No, she had to get back. A bit of a family crisis.

Oh, really?

Well, that's not what I heard from Grace.

Oh, right.

So you know.

Fine.

Well, so what? These things happen.

Yeah, they do.

So your Mountie didn't fancy sticking around for the scattering of the ashes?

No. Well, it's nothing to do with him, is it? He's not one of our friends.

Oh, really?

Seemed pretty friendly with you during dinner.

And after dinner, come to that.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I'm just surprised you didn't stick around at all.

Had his quickie and then went home, eh? Oh, shut up. You know, I never thought

you'd be the sort to go in for a one -night stand.

Well, who says it was a one -night stand?

Oh, you're seeing him again this night. Well, am I? I've got his number.

Oh, honestly, I'm happy for you. Oh, grow up. Will you just grow up?

There wasn't any one -night stands.

You just said there was.

No, you just said there was. I mean, you're so quick to make assumptions and

always assume that people behave like you. Well, they don't. Oh, don't play

little Miss Innocent with me. I saw him go into your room.

Yeah, to write his number down, Rob, that is all.

Then he went home.

Oh. Oh, yeah, exactly.

Hiya.

morning. Marcus here. Hello, Marcus. How are you?

Fine, thank you. I trust all is well? Oh, perfect.

Yeah, all going to plan. I've got your package.

Delighted to hear it.

Now, as luck would have it, my wife's ghastly family left late last night in

high dudgeon. I can't imagine what upset them. Anyway, I'm now in a position to

present the gift myself, and even as we speak, I'm heading up to Leeds to join

you. All right.

I've spoken with my brother -in -law, and we've moved the meeting to 11.

Is that all right with you?

Oh, absolutely fine, yeah.

Right. Well, I'll see you then.

Bye.

Well, Grace.

Big day, eh?

Yes.

You going to be all right?

Oh, I think so.

I'm sorry about your mum. I really am.

Don't be silly.

I know you never liked her. I know.

But that's not the issue, is it?

It's about how you feel.

Losing a parent, even at our age, well, it's not easy, is it?

No.

You're going to miss her a lot.

It's sad.

Yes, it is.

So, I just want to say I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Tell me, how long does probate normally take?

Actually... Perhaps now would be a good time to tell you about Mum's other

conditions.

Right.

This is a bit cloak and dagger, isn't it?

It's just somewhere to meet.

Easy to find.

Dave, you hand over a birthday present in a hotel room or a coffee bar or in

someone's front room. You don't go skulking around a deserted car park.

Give over.

Hey, you reckon that's him?

Your brother -in -law?

Dunno. Probably.

You've got to admit, this is all a bit iffy.

Good to see you. Good to see you.

Good morning, David.

Oh, you've brought your little friend.

Good morning, Rob.

Hi, Marcus.

Let me introduce you. Warren, this is David and Rob.

Pleased to meet you.

Oh, here you are. David Stone.

Excellent. Thank you very much. Warren, this is for you.

Thanks, Mark.

Very kind.

Well, I don't think we need to detain you any longer, David. I know you've got

things to do.

I think they won't keep.

Go on then, Warren. Let's see what he's got you.

All right.

There we are, you see?

It's a briefcase.

Yeah, but what's inside?

Care to share, Marcus?

Well, you spoiled the surprise.

What is it, money?

Yeah, I'll bet it is. One of your little backhanders. Enough, Rob.

It's nice to meet you, Warren.

We'll say our goodbyes. No, no, no. I want to see what's inside.

Well, you can't. You're making a fool of yourself, Rob, am I?

Well, there's only one way to find out. Knock the door. Knock the door. Get up.

Knock the door.

Knock the door.

Get up.

Get up.

That camera cost more than 4 ,000 pounds.

I don't quite know what to say, Marcus.

I can only apologize, Warren.

Must be something I could do.

You've already done more than enough. It would be best if you just left.

Yeah, but... Now, please.

It's three quarts of my work's tied up with her, and you just balls it all up.

You're the one who tries to open the sides. You let it go. You told me to let

go.

I am so very sorry about that, Warren. One would have thought that even a

like David could have managed such a simple task, but clearly even this was

beyond him.

Ah, well, no matter. We'll just have to think of some other way of thanking you

for pushing through our planning application.

David?

I was coming back to office to buy Warren a new camera.

But Rob was right, wasn't he?

He made such a fool out of me.

Oh, spare me the anguish, please, David. It's called business.

It's called fraud, actually.

I'm sure the local council will be very interested to know what you two have

been up to.

I see.

Now, do realise that any move in that direction would mean the end of our

working relationship, and that would mean a substantial hole in your

would it not?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Maybe I should stop and think about it.

I thought about it.

Shove it.

Do hurry up, Morris. You're going to make us late.

I'm not sure I want to come along now.

Oh, well, that's your choice, dear.

I'll just phone Patrick and tell him he can have the clock, shall I? Oh, Grace!

Grace!

Grace!

Hey, Rob.

No word to Kath about what just happened, okay? I'll break it to her on

time. What's on here?

Oh, have a look at this.

Very nice, Morrie.

Very nice.

And I think it's very brave of you to choose this weekend with all of us here

come out as a cross -dresser.

Here we go.

Come on, then. Let's have it. Let's get it over and done with.

Oh, no, no, no, mate. I'm going to make this last.

I wish I had a camera.

Sorry, Dave.

What's going on?

Trying not to draw attention to it.

He's feeling a bit conspicuous.

Draw attention to it? Looks like hyacinth bouquet.

It's just another thing Elsie wanted.

God bless her. Why, he has to dress up in all that lot?

Yes, until the ashes are scattered.

And any time anyone says the name Elsie... God bless her. He has to say

So, if I say Elsie... God bless her.

Or Dave says Elsie... Elsie. God bless her.

Or even if you say Elsie, God bless her, he has to say God bless her. Yes, but

let's not overdo it, eh, Rob?

Well, I'll try, but I can't promise, Grace. This is too much fun.

Go on, let's get loaded up. In you get, girls.

He's talking to you, gorgeous. Pack it in.

So where now?

The top of the moor.

About three miles or so that way.

Three miles?

I'm not walking three miles. I get tired driving that far.

You can always stay in the van if you're not up to it, Rob.

Why can't we scatter the old girl here? I mean, what difference does it make?

Well, Mum was very specific.

It'd have to be the top of the moor.

Does it matter? I mean, it's not as if it's actually her in the urn.

What? What? What do you mean, she's not in the urn?

Oh, no, she's in the urn.

Yeah, yeah, of course she's in the urn. What I mean is, it's not the actual

person in the urn, you know? That warm, lovable human being we all knew and

loved, you know?

Elsie. God bless her. Yes, thank you, miss.

I mean, it's just her remains.

Oh, I see.

So my point is... Is what, Rob?

My point is that since she has been reduced to a pile of ash, what

would it make if we just... Scout her here.

Well, you seem to forget her spirit, Rob.

You see, I firmly believe that she's up there.

Right now, looking down on us.

Shall we crack on?

Come on then, Doris. Oh, sorry, Morris.

Lead on.

Just a bit of footwork there, matey boy.

It's supposed to be frail pensioners. Look at them go.

I know.

Haven't they heard of osteoporosis?

Have you listened to me, Julia?

Yeah, I know. It's pathetic, isn't it?

Better keep going, matey boy. Just think of the nice lunch we'll have when we

get back.

If we get back.

Honey?

Can I say something?

What?

I'm very sorry for what I said earlier about you and Ben. I was out of order.

Yeah, you were.

Just seeing you and him together like that at dinner, it freaked me out.

Just jealousy, Rob, that's all.

Jackie thought there was more to it than that. Oh, did she?

Yeah, she thought you and I had some unfinished business.

Oh, good old Jackie.

First she's a mistress, now she's a marriage guidance counsellor.

Come on, Loan.

She only went home because she didn't want to be in the way.

Of what? Of us.

There isn't an us anymore, Rob.

You were pretty quick to tell her we were still married.

Only technically. It's just a bit of paper. Look, we vowed to be together for

better or worse.

There was also the little matter of forsaking all others.

Yeah, well, maybe I should have done more forsaking, but... Like I said, we

still married.

Like I said, Rob, only technically.

Here.

Don't expect too much tonight, Kat. I'm knackered.

It's all right, love.

You excused duty for a few days.

Oh, it's a shame.

Just beginning to get the hang of it.

you, Morris.

It's perfect.

Yes, just pop it down there and then we can get set up.

Set up?

Look, I know I've been an idiot.

I know I've treated you badly and I'm sorry. I really am.

Okay.

And I want to come home. Oh, Rob, it's... No, please.

Hear me out.

It's taken me being away from you to realise how much I miss you. I miss

with you. I miss being with the kids. I miss everything we had together.

I can't, Rob.

I can't go through all that again.

You broke my heart.

I know.

You made me feel stupid.

I won't be humiliated like that anymore. I can't put myself through it again. I

just can't.

And you won't have to.

Let me come home.

And I promise... No, don't promise, Rob.

All right, all right.

No promises.

Take me back, and I will try.

I really will try to do better.

Please.

What's Miss Marple up to now?

Now, you'd all like to form a semicircle around here.

Right. Shall we start?

I'd just like to say a few words about my mum, Elsie. God bless her.

Elsie... God bless her.

...was a remarkable person.

She was optimistic and positive.

She always gave me and my sister great encouragement.

She was a very generous person who gave regularly to good causes. Some people

thought she was a little eccentric.

But those of us who knew her realised she was just a quirky soul with a great

sense of fun.

Mum loved Yorkshire and wanted this beautiful spot to be her final resting

place.

I hope you'll all enjoy one of Mum's favourite songs.

So a deer, a female deer, ray a drop of golden sun.

She loved the sound of music.

Me a name I call myself, far a long, long way to run.

So a needle pulling thread,

love and hope for the soul.

Tea, a drink with camomile bread, that will bring us back to Doe.

A deer, a female deer, pray a drop of golden sun.

I couldn't seem to find a way of stopping.

OK.

Are we ready?

Just say the word.

Goodbye, Mum.

God bless.

Cigarette ends?

Well, probably in her pocket when she was cremated.

No, the shotgun was all Mum's idea.

She said she wanted to go out with the bank.

Where'd she get it from?

Where's my dad?

He's been in the loft for years.

Really? I know he was there. I've been seeing the old girl off years ago.

Where's Rob and Leonie?

Here they come.

You all right, Robbie?

Perfect. Thank you, matey boy.

Good.

Yeah, great. You think I could take some of this stuff off now?

I think I've humiliated myself enough, don't you? Yes, love. You've been very

good.

I tell you what, I could murder a drink. Oh, so could I.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Go on off without me. Don't worry about me.

Oh, do you want a hand, Morris?

No, no, no, it's all right.

So, you two getting together again, then?

Thought we might, yeah.

Is that a good idea, really?

I mean, it's not too late to change your mind. Actually, Morris, we think you

should know the whole story.

What? Me and Leonie are thinking of renewing our marriage vows.

Really? Yeah.

And we would be honoured if you would consent to be our bridesmaid.

Bloody hell.

Here we go again.

Hey, I'll bet your mum must be laughing her socks off at what we're about to do

this weekend.

Oh, I do hope so.

When did she come up with all those daft things?

She didn't. I did.

He's going to be furious when he finds out.

He's going to be even more furious when he finds out his precious clocks are

worthless.