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(office muzak)

(sighs)

- This is a good film.

They're gonna love it.

It's a good film.

(door clacks)

- [Sir Max] Thank you
for your presentation.

We will review your materials carefully

and let you know our
decision within four weeks.

Thank you. Goodbye.

- [Announcer] You can go in now, Mr. Sand.

- Thank you.

- Well, well, look who
darkens our door yet again.

George Sand.

Take a seat.

- [Sir Max] Mr. Sand, Mr. Sand, Mr. Sand.

Another documentary, I take it?

- Yes, sir.

- And you require
finishing funds, no doubt?

- Yes, sir.
- Mr. Sand, you realize that

if you are turned down one more time,

you will never again be able
to approach the BBC for funds.

Ever.

- Why don't you take a few days

to decide if this is really--

- No, I want to do this now.

I believe this project will
make my name as a filmmaker.

(Rugglesworth sighs)

- A last ditch stand for art.

Superb.

But let me remind you, Mr. Sand,

some filmmakers are born, some are made,

and some are neither.

- You have one hour, Mr. Sand,

though more or less time may be granted

at the discretion of the
committee, so proceed.

- Okay.

Well, last summer, my
partner and I decided to make

a short film about a new
American film festival.

- A film about filmmaking.

How thrilling.

- What we didn't know

was that though we'd come
to document a film festival,

we were soon to find ourselves enmeshed

in something much, much bigger.

- So are we done here?

- No, I'm finding myself enmeshed

in something much, much bigger.

- Oh.

(apprehensive orchestral music)

(brassy thriller music)

- [George Voiceover] It
all began with a film.

(Ingemar groaning)

- Ingemar, do not shuffle
off this mortal coil!

Do not go gently into that good night!

Oh, no!

Ingemar!

Ingemar!

Ingemar!

Oh, why do you take the
road less traveled?!

Why?!

(Jules crying)

- Hey, what's up, dude?

- Who the hell are you?

- I'm God, man.

- Listen, my friend
Ingemar just died here,

do you think you could bring him back?

He's a really good dude.

- Well, I really shouldn't,
but what the hell.

(fingers snap)
(neck cracks)

(Ingemar groans)

(Jules laughs)

- Oh, bitchin'!

Oh, hey, God!

Thanks, man.

God is a totally awesome dude.

(laughing)

- You know, I've changed my mind.

(fingers snap)
(neck cracks)

- You can't do this.

- What do you mean I can't do this?

- You're right.

I'm sorry, God.

- Well, I'm sorry, too, Jules.

(fingers snap)

(neck cracks)
(Ingemar groans)

I'm real sorry.

(fingers snap)

(Jules gurgles)

(hyper-dramatic orchestral music)

- Jules!

Jules!

Jules!

Jules!

(film projector clicking)

(audience applauds)

- Thank you.

I am Arthur Wong.

That film, entitled
The Crap Shoot of Life,

was directed by my son,
the late Mike Wong,

who also played God in the film.

- Arthur Wong, the world's
foremost expert on elephants,

had started the festival the year before

in honor of his son Mike, who
had died while in film school.

10 finalists had been selected
from Mike's classmates.

Their short films were to be screened

over the course of the next few evenings,

after which the winner would be announced.

First prize for the festival was $70,000,

which would have to be used
to make a feature film.

- A feature film for 70,000?

Preposterous.
- Oh, yes, yes, it's possible,

Rugglesworth, but you
get what you pay for.

- Now, let me introduce my fellow judges.

We're very fortunate to
have with us, the reclusive,

unfairly-maligned Irish
director Siobhan Meehan.

(audience applauds)

Her films include Proletarian Clover,

The Black Swan of Trespass,
and Forever Barney.

- That's Forever Blarney.

- Pardon me.

Forever Blarney.

Our other judge is Elliot Lewis,

who was the winner of
last year's festival.

(audience applauds)

Elliot's film, for those of you

who do not have the memory
of an elephant, (chuckles)

was a brilliant piece of
reenactment, or as Elliot prefers,

evocation of the Kennedy assassination,

performed by a talented
cast of eight-year-olds.

Elliot is also here, of
course, to show us the film

that he made with last year's prize money.

We're all looking forward
to seeing your film, Elliot.

Now, without further ado,

let me introduce our first finalist.

Her name is Maria Hernandez
from Darian, Connecticut,

and her film is Street Poetry.

(audience applauds)

- It's (Spanish accent) Maria Hernandez.

(audience applauds)

And it's Darien, Connecticut.

(audience applauds)

(film projector clicking)

- Come on.

- [Latina Woman] On the
streets of Spanish Harlem,

you can't expect nothing from nobody.

Even if you're a Nobel Prize-winning poet.

- Okay.

I think we should, um, Tori?

Tori?
- Uh, yeah?

- I think we should concentrate
on getting some interviews

with the filmmakers and the judges, okay?

Now, do you have the
mic you want for that?

- Uh, yeah.

One sec.

(door clacks)

- Excuse me.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

My name's George Sand, and--

- George Sand?

- [George] Yes, I'm
shooting a documentary--

- For real?

- Yes.

I'm shooting a documentary
about this film festival,

and I wonder if I might be allowed

to ask you a few questions on camera?

- Video.

Listen, this is a film
festival, not a video festival.

If you want to interview
me, get a film camera.

- Moving along, our second finalist

is William Butler of Perth, Australia.

(audience applauds)

- 38% of all soccer players are gay.

22% of them are forced
to play out of position.

- Yeah!
- That's right.

- And that is terribly wrong.

(audience applauds)

- Well, this is all very
riveting stuff, Mr. Sand,

but can we hope that something
will actually transpire

in the near future?

- Well, the next morning,
I went for a pleasant jog.

Little did I suspect

the dramatic turn events
were about to take.

(chase music)

- [Radio Dispatcher] 78.5, code
6, 105 northbound, route 52.

(police radio chattering)

- Poor girl.

- Who is it?

- Maria Hernandez.

- What happened to her?

- Strangled with her own silk scarf.

- Really?

- And the grotesque
thing is that the scarf

had an elephant design on it.

- What?

- Horrible, isn't it?

- Yes.

Terrible.

- Did the police catch the guy?

- No.

It seems to be an act of
random urban violence.

Oh, by the way, this is Rosemary Olsen,

our only undergraduate finalist.

Well, I'd better call
the poor girl's family.

I know what it's like to lose a child.

- How did his son die?

- Who? Mike?

Died while we were shooting
The Crap Shoot of Life.

Terrible accident.

- All of you finalists
were in Mike's class?

- I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

- Oh, George Sand.

I'm doing a documentary about the festival

and the filmmakers, see
what makes you tick,

why you made the films you did.

- Sometimes we don't make
the films, films make us.

- "The films make us"?

People don't actually talk that
way in real life, Mr. Sand.

- Rosemary did.

She was like a mysterious,
dangerous flower.

Of course I was curious
about her work, but her film,

unfortunately, was not
scheduled until the final night.

- That is unfortunate,

since I doubt we'll actually
reach the final night.

- I returned to the crime scene

a little later with my camera.

(police radio chattering)

- I'm Detective Blank, in
charge of this investigation.

Your name, please.

- George Sand.
- Spell that, please.

- Which part?

- Don't play games with me, Mr. Sand.

- Um, S-A-N-D.

- I know how to spell Sand.

- Sorry.

G-E-O-R--

- Slowly.

- G.
- G.

- E.
- Hold on, hold on.

G-E.
- E-O-R-G-E.

- Thank you.

Occupation.

- Documentary filmmaker.

- Really?

Favorite film.

- I don't really see how that's relevant.

- Suit yourself, Mr. Sand,

but one thing you can be sure of,

I'll find out, one way or another.

- That evening's finalists
were two ambitious Europeans,

one was Giscard Gateau, a Frenchman,

the other, Paradiso Marcopoli, an Italian,

both of whom were kind enough

to provide promotional head shots.

Watching Giscard's film,

entitled Young and Hungry in
New York, was rather unnerving.

Somehow, I wasn't sure I liked

what this film told me
about Giscard Gateau.

(urban jazz music)

Next was Paradiso's film,

which made me realize how much films

tend to resemble their directors,

the way that dogs seem
to resemble their owners.

(woman vocalizing)
(gentle guitar music)

- Cut it.

We've got enough.

- Sir Max, I'm feeling a bit nauseous.

Feel free to continue without me.

- Yes.

I'll come with you.

- I think it's going
rather well, don't you?

I mean, they have some
concerns, of course,

but I think I've addressed them.

- George.

Does the word Waterloo
mean anything to you?

- Waterloo?

- How about "debacle" or
"hideous unnatural misbirth"?

The murder was good.

- It was?
- Oh, yes, very good.

If you have anything else like that,

please use it before it's too late.

Or, even better, a good sex scene.

(door clacks)

- Thank you for your
presentation, Mr. Sand,

we shall review your materials carefully--

- And as Tori and I
walked out into the lobby,

we heard a shocking sound.

(gun fires)

- A shocking sound?

- A terrifying sound!

(gun fires loudly)

Roll, Tori.

Roll camera.

- [Tori] Who is it?

- It's William Butler.

- [Tori] Oh, the gay
Australian soccer player.

- No, his film was about a
gay Australian soccer player.

- [Tori] Whatever.

- You can cut the camera.

- [Tori] I don't wanna.

- You probably did this
to interrupt my film!

You know I am going to win!

- I did not, but I do
feel pity for the audience

that is forced to watch
your pathetic little film.

- Gentlemen, this is
not a time for argument.

- You are correct, of course.

My apologies.

- I, also, apologize.

Now, can we resume my film?

- Seems like an awfully big coincidence,

two filmmakers dead in two days.

- Maybe somebody killed them

because they didn't like their films.

- I have a similar theory.

Perhaps I'll share it with the police.

- They're experts, let them handle it.

- Those who've seen my films,

consider me something of an
expert on the human psyche.

Rosemary!

- If it isn't George Sand,

documentarian to the future stars.

- Thank you, it's always
nice to be condescended to

at the beginning of a conversation.

- Sorry.

Guess I'm not used to people who realize

they're being insulted.

- Oh, that's okay.

I'm the same way with my
partner Tori, Mr. Five Percent.

- Why do you call him Mr. Five Percent?

- Because the average
human uses 9% of his brain.

- [Rosemary] Let's sit down.

(gentle music)

- What was that about?

- Just calming myself down a bit.

I'm a follower of Barkley.

- Charles?

- No, Bishop Berkeley.

I believe that if I close
my eyes, you cease to exist.

- Excuse me?

- When I close my eyes,
that tree, this park,

and all the people in
it just cease to exist.

When I open them, you all reappear.

- That is the most
self-centered philosophy

I have ever heard.

- Gets me through the day.

- Well, can you open your eyes?

I'm getting a bit tired of
blinking in and out of existence.

- The stars are so beautiful.

It's too bad they don't really exist.

- Well, it's true that the
light we see from those stars

was emitted years ago.

- So that means if a star exploded

and killed millions of people,

we wouldn't know about it for years?

- I don't know, you'd have to ask

Albert Einstein about that.

- Did you know that Albert Einstein's

first child was a baby girl,

who he gave up for adoption

because he and the mother weren't married?

- Yes.

- You knew that?

Did you know that that baby
grew up to be Amelia Earhart?

- That, I did not know.

- Yeah, and she wasn't killed.

She used her father's
theories to create a hole

in the space-time continuum,
and just flew through it.

- Fascinating.

Where did she go to?

- Well, that would be pure speculation.

I have to go.

- Rosemary?

Be careful.

- Why?

- One dead filmmaker is an anomaly.

Two is a trend.

- Thanks for your concern.

It's kind of shocking.

- Not even a little kiss?

- Uh, no.

- Well, maybe later.

- Yes, maybe later.

- Many of the documentaries we finance

do have sexual content.

- Right.

Anyway, when I got home, I
read up on Bishop Berkeley,

Albert Einstein, and Amelia Earhart,

after which I studied
the promotional material

on the other finalists,
which I'd just received.

There was Asmali Jawad from Bombay, India,

Carmela Cicero Maresca
from British Columbia,

Spike Levy from Williamsburg, Brooklyn,

Sasha Swann from Orange
County, California,

and the Unknown Filmmaker, origin unknown.

- In that Apache Indian song, does he say,

"High class, low class,
middle class, no class,"

or does he say, "High class, no class,

"middle class, no class"?

- I'm fairly certain he says--

- [George Voiceover] Watching
this film, it seemed to me

that there was a certain truth in fiction,

that in every film there
was something of the essence

of its creator, of its
auteur, if you will.

- Ah.

- Ready?

- Curious, is it not, how
some people refuse to learn

the appropriate lesson
until it is too late, yes?

- Yes.

- Have you read the Upanishad of Shiva?

- Chapter 25, verse 17.

And they shall pay for
what they have done,

for Shiva shall always exact
a fair price in justice.

Do you know what this means?

Well, we will show you.

(guns clacking)

(guns firing)

(Indian pop music)

- Would you care to come over tonight?

My wife is preparing dal makhani.

- That sounds lovely.

Say, do you know what
they call dal makhani

in the United States?

- I don't know.

- I believe that they simply call it

Dal.

(audience applauds)

- Ladies and gentlemen, Asmali Jawad.

Next is our north of the border entry,

a film directed by Carmela Cicero Maresca,

a young Canadian woman--

(audience applauds)

(ominous music)

- My mother is dead,

and my other mother has taken up

with my dead mother's sister.

- Make a note to look into the rights

for that film, would you?

- Okay, let's just get 15
seconds of the empty auditorium.

That should be enough.

- Rolling.

You mind that one guy in
the front of the theater?

- Oh, bollocks.

Cut it.

Hey!

You!

It's Paradiso.

Hey. Paradiso?

Paradiso?

Film's over, mate.

Odd.

I believe he's dead.

- [Tori] Dead?

(sniffs)
- Mm.

Rather.

So much for Mr. (Italian
accent) "I'ma Not Your Mother,"

"I'ma Your Wife".

(sniffs)

- (accent) I'ma not
coffee, I'ma deadly poison.

- (accent) I'ma not breathing,
I'ma slowly decomposing.

- Ew.

- Come on.

We'd better tell Mr. Wong.

- [George Voiceover] Detective
Blank called together

all the surviving finalists for a meeting,

which Tori and I were allowed to attend.

Though he said that the
police had no evidence

linking any of the filmmakers
to the three murders,

the only logical supposition
was that one of the finalists

was systematically killing
off the competition,

to ensure that he, or she,
would win the festival.

Though, of course, I was
saddened by the loss of life,

I began to realize what a stroke of luck

this might be for my documentary.

- Now, first of all, let me say,

addressing myself to the murderer,

I understand what you're going through.

The film industry is
like the elephant world,

it is highly competitive,

so you must be able and willing

to do almost anything to get ahead.

However, and I must state
this very forcefully,

such behavior is simply not acceptable.

Now, if there are any more killings,

I am prepared to disqualify
the culprit from the festival,

no questions asked.

- Oh, come on.

We all know who the killer is, don't we?

I mean, isn't it obvious that
froggy here is the bad guy?

- Pardon?

- What makes you say that, Carmela?

- I'll lay it out for you.

(dramatic music)

You and Paradiso were
rivals from the beginning,

and the night before she was killed,

Maria told me that the
two of you had fought,

and everyone knows the grudge
you had against poor William.

- I don't need to stay here and
listen to these absurdities!

- Guilty as sin.

- Please, this isn't helping us.

We need facts, not speculation.

- I'll look into it.

I'm a Documentary Filmmaker.

An Award-Winning Documentary Filmmaker.

- That's good enough for me.

- My documentary about the festival

will now be a documentary
about the search for a killer.

- Now, granted that this Blank fellow

did not seem like he could
detect a flea in a flea circus,

what gave you the presumption
that you could do any better?

- Sometimes, sir, it takes
an artist to catch an artist.

- [Rugglesworth] Oh, please.

- I knew that each of the
finalists qua suspects

had laid their conscience bare in a place

where the police were
unlikely to look: their films.

It was merely a question, then,

of interpreting their films
to see where the murderer

had left bloody footprints.

I considered the three films

I'd seen thus far from the suspects,

and searched them for clues.

Asmali Jawad's film seemed
to rule him out as a suspect.

Certainly there was violence in his film,

but it was nearly scientific
in its rigorous control,

not the wayward passion of a murderer.

Carmela's film, on the other hand,

with its tortured and
confused melancholy heroine

in search of retribution,

bespoke a possibility for true violence.

But it was Giscard's film
that, on deeper examination,

represented the smoking gun.

His mute protagonist who
went around eating everything

seemed a transparent
stand-in for a director

whose all-consuming ambition and intensity

rendered even the most
heinous act a possibility.

But, of course, I was keeping an open mind

for the time being.

- So you're gonna interview
all the filmmakers?

- That's right.

- What are you gonna ask them?

- I'll question them about the murders.

Then I'll ask them about their films.

Or maybe the other way around.

- Do you think Giscard did it?

I mean, everybody else seems to think so.

- Tori, I'm a documentary filmmaker.

My job isn't to think.

It's to expose.

(knocking)

Ah, that must be Giscard.

He's first.

- May I come in, Mr. Sand?

- Detective.

I'm surprised to see you.

Am I a suspect?

- I consider everyone a suspect, Mr. Sand.

Including myself.

- Very wise.

Well, course I'll be glad
to answer any questions.

- Well, actually, Mr. Sand,

I've always had great respect
for documentary filmmakers,

and I thought maybe we
could compare notes.

- I see.

Well, of course I want to be helpful,

but you should understand
that my first obligation

must be to my art.

- Understood.
- Well, then, fire away.

- Okay.

First, you should know

that Maria Hernandez wasn't strangled,

she was killed by a blow to the head.

- I see.
- So the question is,

why would someone wrap a scarf

around the neck of a dead woman?

- Well, I would imagine
the killer wanted to divert

suspicion from himself somehow.

So the scarf would be a distracting ploy.

So that the killer doesn't get caught.

And sent to jail.

Where he might get raped
by a larger inmate.

- So, what you're saying,
if I read you correctly,

is that the killer was trying to divert

suspicion from himself

so that he wouldn't get caught

and go to jail.

- Where he might be raped.

- Yeah.

(knocking)
Yeah.

- Ah, that must be Giscard.

A few minutes late, but that's only

to be expected with a Frenchman.

Ah.

I believe you know Detective Blank.

- Harsh.

- That is a powerful film.

- Strong stuff.

- Rated R for violence.

- Uh, the medium is the message?

- Hey, that's good, "the
medium is the message."

- Thanks.

I never knew what that meant before.

- Oh, get the camera.

We should shoot this.

(sighs)

So much for suspect numero uno.

Shame we never had a
chance to interview him.

Oh, tragic about his death, of course.

Still, he wasn't much of a filmmaker.

(door clacks)

- No sign of anyone.

- The other filmmakers
are meeting for dinner

in half an hour.

I'll go down and break the news
to them, see how they react.

(bar music)

- Well, if it isn't the
private dick himself.

- Hey, I meant to ask you something.

What kind of last name is Sand?

Is that short for something?

- Sorry, filmmakers, but I
have some bad news to report.

Giscard is dead.

- Was he murdered?

- Man, this is starting
to get real interesting.

One of these five people is a murderer.

- [Sasha] It's like a movie.

- If it were a movie, who'd play you?

I know who'd play me.

- [George] Who?

- Drew Barrymore or a young Barbara Eden.

I see you as Michael J. Fox, George.

- Thanks a lot.

- I'd have to go with Herschel Bernardi.

A young, thin Herschel
Bernardi, of course.

- Asmali Jawad would be
played by Claude Rains,

or maybe Scott Baio.

But Scott Baio might not be able to do

the Indian accent, you see?

- [Unknown Filmmaker] Sorry, I can't play.

I think identity is irrelevant.

- [George] Who'd play you, Rosemary?

- Oh, uh, I think Pearl Bailey.

You know, an old Pearl Bailey.

- No, that'd have to be in

the all-black version of your life.

In mine, I'd be played by Angela Bassett.

- Asmali Jawad has a good one for himself.

Sammy Davis Jr.

(chuckles)

- I'd like to be played
by Sammy Davis Jr. too.

- Well, that would have to be in

the cross-gender version of your life.

What about the foreign film of your life?

- [Unknown Filmmaker] All
right, now you're talking.

I'd have Max von Sydow, or Toshiro Mifune.

You know, with a bag
on his head, of course.

- Yes, and no doubt in the Merchant Ivory

version of our lives,

we'd all like to be
played by Emma Thompson.

- Speak for yourself, Lewis.

- But what, precisely,
is your point, Mr. Sand?

- Well, Carmela interrupted
the game by asking--

- So, how did froggy die, anyway?

- There was some film
wrapped around his neck,

but the police seem to
think he was electrocuted.

- Wow.

How, like, ironic.

- Why?

- All right, what do you got?

- [George] You know that Giscard
worked on Mike Wong's film?

- All of the finalists worked on his film,

and on each other's.

They're classmates.

- Giscard was the gaffer on Mike's film.

- What's a gaffer?

- The gaffer is the chief electrician.

And Giscard was electrocuted.

- Odd.
- Yes.

And it gets better.

Paradiso, who was poisoned,
worked on craft services.

Do you know what craft services is?

Food.

And there's more.

William Butler was the DP on Mike's film.

The director of photography.

- Well, you can't be
photographed to death.

- The Spice Girls are
evidence to the contrary,

but never mind that.

As the DP, William shot Mike's film.

And he was shot!

- But that still doesn't
explain why Maria Hernandez--

- Maria was the wardrobe
person on Mike's film,

responsible for clothing,

which is why the killer wanted us to think

she was strangled by a scarf.

- I'm beginning to detect a pattern.

But how do the Spice Girls figure in?

- [George Voiceover] That
night, there were to be

two more films shown,
two more chances for me

to peer into the psyches of the suspects.

(urban Yiddish music)

- [Moshe Voiceover] A day like that,

I should never have again, God willing.

- [Eliyahu Voiceover] I'm
afraid there must be many more

until all of our enemies
lie dead at our feet.

- [Yehoshua Voiceover] Look,
the sun is almost down.

Shabbos is almost over.

- [Eliyahu Voiceover] Yes,
this Shabbos is almost over,

but a new day will soon dawn
on our corner of Brooklyn,

a new day when we will no longer be

subject to the discriminatory
laws of our neighbors.

This Shabbos, we celebrate
here in Brooklyn,

but some day, perhaps next year,
perhaps in a hundred years,

we will celebrate Shabbos here

in the free state of Williamsburg!

- [George] Spike Levy seemed
like a credible suspect

until I realized that William Butler

had been killed on a Friday night.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the director of "Brooklyn
Will Be Ours", Spike Levy.

(audience applauds)

- I have one thing I'd like to say.

Is my first name really Spike?

No.

Is my last name really Levy?

No.

Am I using another man's
name for my own benefit?

Yes.
(audience applauds)

My people understand me,

if you don't, step aside
before we run you over.

Like an elephant.

(audience applauds)

- Excellent.

Well, then, our next film

is the winner of the East
19th Street Film Festival,

entitled The Quest.

The director is Sasha Swann.

Sasha?
(audience applauds)

- I just want to, like,

dedicate this film to
elephants everywhere.

(giggles)

And to the Irish people.

(audience applauds)

Thank you.

Thanks.

(milk splashing)

(ice rattling)

- It's not this millennium
I'm worried about,

it's the next one.

Yeah, the fourth millennium
is gonna be a bitch.

But at least my baby won't have

an abusive father, like I did.

- Hi, princess.

Hi, sweetheart.

You haven't happened to
see Daddy's nose candy

anywhere around, did you?

- And he won't have a brother

to have an incestuous relationship with.

- Come on, sis.

We're only playing.

- And the other kids in first
grade won't make fun of him

because he has a Russian boy's first name.

- [Kids] You've got a
Russian boy's first name--

- I have to get some air.

- [George Voiceover] Sasha
Swann, it was apparent,

was an unlikely killer.

The only violence I felt
emanating from her film

was the harm I might inflict upon myself

if I had to watch the entire thing.

- [George] Hey!

- [Rosemary] George.

How are you?
- I'm just fine.

But, then again, I don't
have a film in the festival.

Shouldn't you be a bit more careful?

- What's to be afraid of?

Death?

I've died before.

By the way, I decided that
you do exist, after all.

- I'm glad to hear it.

- My new theory is that we're each

from our own unique planet.

I'm from a world where
there are no colors,

and people are only capable of thinking

one happy thought a day.

- Well, then, I guess I'm from a planet

where the men are named
after famous women writers,

and are capable of wearing the
same clothes for days on end.

- That's more than I
needed to know, George.

- Oh, sorry.

- Although I suspect that our two planets

have very good relations.

- That's good to hear.

Well, then, you should
probably be in there

watching your dwindling
competition, shouldn't you?

- Doesn't matter to me, anyway.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna pull
my film from the festival.

- Really?

Well, I can understand why.

I think your safety is more
important than any prize.

- It's not my safety I'm worried about.

(suspicious music)

- Rosemary?

Will you come to the interview tomorrow?

It'll really help my documentary.

- Of course, George.

Anything for art.

- [George Voiceover] With
great regret, I realized

that I would not have the
opportunity to see her film,

a film made by a woman
like that, no, not a woman,

an archetype, a platonic ideal, a--

(hand taps)
- Oh, hello.

- George, I have a favor to ask of you.

- Anything that's in my power, sir,

as long as it doesn't conflict

with my vow as a documentary filmmaker.

- With all the deaths,

the festival is running
low on eligible films.

I'd like you to enter one of yours.

- I really can't allow anything

to interfere with my current project.

It wouldn't be fair to the work.

- It won't be a distraction, George.

You give us one of your films,

and we'll have a special
daytime screening.

That's it.

And you'll be eligible for the award.

- Given the circumstances, Mr. Wong,

it's the least that I can do.

- And there we have it.

Congratulations, Mr. Sand,

you have now broken every single tenet

of documentary filmmaking.

That was the last one, number 54,

documentary filmmaker shall not enter film

into film festival he is documenting.

- But it made perfect sense.

In order to understand the
thinking of the finalists,

and the killer, I would
have to become one myself.

A finalist, that is.

The next morning when we
sat down to interviews,

I was a peer.

Okay, Sasha.

Two questions:

Who do you think is the killer,
and why couldn't it be you?

- Well, it couldn't be me

because, like, well, everybody
likes and respects me,

and my work is, like,
philosophical, you know?

Now, I don't know who the killer is,

but if you saw that
film by Jasmali Aswad--

- Asmali Jawad.

- Whatever, I think we all
have a pretty good idea

of who here is capable of,
like, deprived acts of murder.

- Please, that is absurd.

- [Unknown Filmmaker]
That Indian Tarantino.

I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy,

but obviously there's another side to him.

- Look at me.

Asmali Jawad is a Hindu,
for heaven's sake.

Asmali Jawad is only three feet tall.

Asmali Jawad can barely
lift his own toothbrush.

- Well, you know who always
gets the blame for everything?

We do.

The Jews.

So, I figure it's just a matter of time

before everyone decides that I did it.

And, considering the history of my people,

I'm very hesitant to point
the finger elsewhere.

- Of course, I wouldn't
put it past the Jew.

- Asmali Jawad.

- Oh, please!

- That Indian is a pathetic little worm.

He could never have done it.

- Ha.
- And that film of his

is just a stupid little phallocentric,

Neanderthal sex farce transferral,

with those guys shoving
their oversize guns

into every hole they can find.

- Asmali Jawad's film is simply
an existential exploration

into alternate philosophies
and lifestyles.

- Now, I'm capable of doing it.

- And you know what
they say about lesbians.

- But I don't need to.

- Definitely Asmali Jawad.

- Please!

- See, I'm gonna win this festival,

regardless of how much opposition there is

'cause, quite frankly,
I haven't seen a film

that comes close to mine.

- [Unknown Filmmaker] Then again,

since I don't believe in identity,

how can I be sure that a murder
has actually taken place?

- Answer one question for Asmali Jawad.

One question.

Why would someone wear a
paper bag over his head?

Huh? Why?

- Got to be Asmali Jawad.

- Asmali Jawad does not see

why he should be answering
any more questions.

He has obviously already
been tried and convicted

by a jury of his peers.

(speaking in foreign language)

- All the murder victims died in ways

related to their work on Mike's film.

What was your job on that shoot?

- [Unknown Filmmaker] I
was the animal wrangler.

- I drove the equipment truck.

- Pyrotechnics.

- I was the editor.

You know, chop chop.

- [George Voiceover] As
enlightening as these interviews

had been, the one I'd most anticipated,

both personally and
professionally, was yet to come.

(door clacks)

- Rosemary.

It's nice to see you again.

- Mr. Wong just told
me you're going to have

a film in the festival.

- That's right.

- [Rosemary] You can't do that.

- Why?

- You just can't, that's all.

- I'm sorry, but the decision's final.

Well, let's begin, then.

I appreciate your coming by,

even though you're removing
your film from the festival.

Have you told Mr. Wong yet?

- Actually, I've just decided

not to remove my film from the festival.

- Really?

May I ask why you changed your mind?

- What are you, afraid of the competition?

- [George] I'm glad, actually.

It means we'll all get a
chance to see your film.

- I suppose you will.

- I'm going to ask you the same
questions I asked the others

Who do you think is the killer,
and why couldn't it be you?

- It is me.

We're all responsible, don't you think?

That's why everyone's so
desperate to find the killer.

- Cut.

Tori, cut.

(camera clicks off)

Tori, would you mind awfully leaving

Rosemary and me alone for a minute?

- Yeah, sure thing, "boss".

This is supposed to be a
collaboration, you know?

- It is.

This is personal, it's not about the film.

- Whatever.

Remember, I own half.

- Be careful, George.

Be very careful.

- I'm sorry if I've angered you

by entering my film in the festival.

- I don't think you know

what you're getting yourself involved in.

- Maybe not, but...

That's filmmaking.

Rosemary, I wonder if you'd
let me look at your film.

Now.

- Why?

- I don't know why,

but all my instincts as
a documentary filmmaker

tell me that I should.

- I'm sorry, George,
but I can't allow that.

- The judges have already seen
it, so why won't you let me?

- I feel very strongly about this, George.

Ask me anything else,
but this I cannot do.

- Don't quote The Godfather to me.

- Sorry.

- I can't help but feel that
you're hiding something.

- George, I'm hiding everything.

- [George] Question is, why
would someone murder people

in a way related to their
jobs on Mike's film?

- [Tori] I don't know.

- This is definitely feature material.

Now, are there any other
suspects we're forgetting about?

Perhaps Arthur.

After all, there was that
elephant pattern on the scarf

wrapped around Maria's neck.

Maybe he somehow felt
he was getting revenge

for Mike's death.

Say, Tori, do you think we're
not approaching these murders

with the necessary gravity and sobriety?

Are we becoming desensitized
to the violence?

- Nah.
- Didn't think so.

- Hey, I've been thinking,

since student filmmakers are being killed,

if we want to find the killer,

we should observe the
rules of student film.

- What are you talking about?

- There are certain rules
that one must abide by

in order to make a
successful student film.

Number one--

- We have to be pretentious
and belabor every point?

- Exactly.

- Are you under the illusion
that what you're saying

makes the slightest bit of sense?

- Yes.

- Glad to see you're operating
at full potential again.

- [George Voiceover] That
afternoon, my film was shown.

(film projector clicking)

- The name's Sand, George Sand,

and I demand to see Jerry J. Johnson,

the CEO of Breckenridge International!

I must warn you, I'm a British national!

- [Guard] Come this way.

- Mr. Johnson, your company exploits

poor workers in Costa Rica,

who are exposed to toxic agents

in your manufacturing plant.

- [Jerry] No, they don't.

- [George] Yes, they do.

- No, they don't.

I went down there myself last week

to see about those allegations,

and I can confirm that all
of our Costa Rican employees

are working under
perfectly safe conditions.

- [George] Are you sure?

- I'm positive.

- Oh, um, well...

Carry on.

(triumphant orchestral music)

(clapping)

- Congratulations.

You should be very proud.

- Thank you.

I'm glad audience response is unanimous.

- Afternoon screenings.

You can't worry about that.

- Well, one does one's best.

- How'd you get so into
documentaries, anyway?

They obviously mean a lot to you.

- It's rather an
interesting story, actually.

Would you care to hear it?

- I would care to.

- It all started when I was a
small child living in London.

I was coming home with my late parents,

Bruce and Wayne Sand.

- Bruce and Wayne?

You had two fathers?

- No, my grandfather
named my mother Wayne.

He was a big fan of the Duke's.

- [Rosemary] Oh.

- Anyway, the three of us
were coming home from a movie.

I think it was Sleeper.

Life was simple and happy.

Then, out of nowhere, a thug appeared.

My father was a prosecuting attorney,

and had put this chap away for life.

But he'd escaped, and was after revenge.

Just then, out of nowhere, a
bat appeared, flying at me.

I thought how wonderful it
would be to be like a bat,

prowling the night streets,

bringing light to the
darkest corners of society.

Then, out of nowhere, appeared
a documentary filmmaker.

He was trying to get material

for a documentary on crime and criminals.

From that moment on, my fate was decided.

I was to be a documentary filmmaker.

I started close to home.

I documented everything
in my own life first.

My confirmation.

My last day of public school.

Even my loss of virginity.

Well, at least the prelude
to my loss of virginity,

though I was able to reenact

the entire event for the camera later,

after the subject became more comfortable.

I've always made documentaries.

It's my destiny.

- It's a mania, George.

- It's a calling.

- Many are called, but
few answer the phone.

That's what all the filmmakers
here have in common.

- What, a death wish?

- No.

There's a reason why no one
here's removed their film,

despite the risk.

We all have a passion to make
movies, maybe not talent,

but passion, a need that
drives us to take stupid risks.

Not many people can understand that.

- I can.

- That's because you have
the same mania, George.

But, then, I've always
been drawn to maniacs.

- So have I.

- I have to go.

- Will you be coming to the costume party?

- I wouldn't miss it.

People reveal themselves through
the costumes they choose.

- Well, um, not always.

(party music)

- [George Voiceover] That
night was the festival

costume party, which all the filmmakers

were supposed to attend,

and I was going to seize the
opportunity that it presented.

We spotted trouble coming our way,

trouble in a red suit and a white beard

with a sack full of dangerous goodies.

- I got something for you.

I was a guerilla once too.

(party horns wail)

- [George] There she is.

- Who?
- The chicken.

But I must be certain.

- You know, it'll never
work between you two.

You're too different.

Of course, this must have been 1984

when I was secretary of
the interior, which...

What the hell?

You spoiled my rap on the devil, man.

- It's her.

I'm gonna sneak into her editing
room and look at her film.

Try to keep her here as long as you can.

- Too late, there goes
your little chickadee.

- Damn.

Hey!

Hey!

I love your costume.

It really, um, highlights your figure.

- I don't quite know how to
respond to that, Mr. Sand.

- Oh, sorry.

I mistook you for another chicken.

- Yes, I suppose you think

we chickens all look alike, don't you?

- [George Voiceover]
As for what came next,

I can't say I'm proud of
it, but it was necessary.

(suspicious music)

(door handle rattling)

(card snaps)

(lock clicks)

(editing table turns on)

- [Woman] With this elephant, I thee kill.

- [George] Oh, my God.

(door clacks)

(editing table turns off)

(suspicious music)

- [George Voiceover] I was
so unnerved by what I'd seen

that I hardly paid attention
to the next day's film.

(angsty music)

(Holden sighs)

- [Holden Voiceover] My name is Holden.

Holden Samsa.

My roommate Stradbater
always got the chicks.

He was a handsome bastard, and he knew it.

I couldn't help but wonder
what he would look like

with his throat cut.

- [Rosemary] I have to go, Mr. Wong.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
interrupt your conversation.

- Oh, it's not your fault.

That girl has been on pins and needles

ever since Maria was killed.

- I heard her mention your son's name.

Were she and Mike close?

- Yes, she and my son were quite close.

Because of that, I recused
myself from judging her film.

I didn't want anyone to think

that favoritism could be involved.

- Is there anyone else around
who worked on your son's film,

besides the other finalists?

I have some questions.

- Well, there's Elliot Lewis,

who's one of the judges this year.

He was the assistant
director on Mike's film.

- Yeah, I worked on that film.

It was a very difficult shoot,
even before Mike was killed.

- [George] What do you mean?

- Well, Mike drove the
crew hard, and Rosemary,

Rosemary Olsen, she was the key grip,

that's the person who pushes the dolly,

well, she didn't exactly
know what she was doing,

so every dolly shot took twice
as long as it should have.

People said Mike only let her do it

because they were, you know.

Anyway, as always happens on
films, they started to fight,

more and more as the film went along.

And then that fateful day came.

- Go on, and please look
at me, not at the camera.

- Oh.

Sorry.

Anyway, Mike always liked dolly shots,

he liked the camera moving.

The faster the better.

So, on this one shot,

he wanted the dolly to move really fast,

but no matter how fast
Rosemary would push the dolly,

Mike would always yell, "Faster!"

Each time, Mike would stand
between the dolly tracks

at the beginning of the shot

to make sure he wasn't in the frame,

and then step back as
the dolly came around.

And he'd watch the shot on
this little video monitor.

Well, finally, Rosemary got
fed up, and she yelled at Mike,

"You want faster, how's this?!"

And as the camera flew down the tracks,

Mike finally looked satisfied.

He was turning to Rosemary and saying,

"Yes, that's..."

(loud thud)

Doctor said he was dead
before he hit the ground.

- If Mike died while you were shooting,

who finished the film?

- Rosemary, of course.

It was a wonderful opportunity for her.

- Thank you, Elliot.

You can cut, Tori.

- Oh, pardon me for rushing off,

but I'm putting the
finishing touches on my film

and I've only got a few more hours.

- Double espresso, please.

Extra bitter.

- I thought I might find you here.

- I have nothing to say to you.

- Your film's entitled "Sinner's Cafe",

And this is the Sinner's Cafe, after all.

- I changed the title.

Sinner's Cafe seemed too obscure.

Oh, and you know, I do
have something for you.

This part says "orge Sand".

I figure it's yours?

- Oops.

Rosemary, I...

Can I sit down?
- No.

- Rosemary.

I'm sorry I broke into your
editing room, but I had to.

I'm a documentary filmmaker.

Rosemary, I've seen your film.

I know that it implicates you

in the murder of William Butler.

- Don't sell it short.

It does a whole hell of
a lot more than that.

- Rosemary, I want to believe
you're innocent, I really do,

but, as a documentary filmmaker,

I have to believe the
evidence that I've collected.

- It doesn't matter what you believe,

or what anyone else believes.

After tonight, it'll all be over.

- If you know that your
film implicates you,

why won't you pull it from the festival?

Do you need the prize money that badly?

- Oh, yeah, I need the
money so I can buy myself

some nice prison clothes.

- Then why don't you pull
it from the festival?

Otherwise--
- Don't you think

I want to pull it?

Don't you think I know it implicates me?

What kind of a fucking
moron do you take me for?!

- Um, those are all
rhetorical questions, right?

(sighs)

Then why won't you do it?!

- Two words: artistic fucking integrity.

- Well, that seemed to settle it.

I'd allowed my personal feelings
to interfere with my work,

but it had had no effect.

My documentary was like a runaway train

traveling toward somewhere
I did not want to go,

and there was no getting off

until we reached our final destination.

Here at the Second Annual
Mike Wong Film Festival,

the stars of the independent
film world are out in force.

There's what's-his-name.

There's that bloke who made that film.

And there's that woman
who wrote that script

that Bruce Willis almost did.

And, of course, Harvey Weinstein is here.

- The Mike Wong Film
Festival is an elitist sham!

If you really want to see the cutting edge

of current cinema, you
should come next door

to the Mike Dong Film Festival.

- Excuse me.

- No, I will not be silenced!

Vive la difference!

Vive Le Roi!

Apres moi, le deluge!

- I don't wish to silence you.

I'd like to interview you.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- So, are you Mike Dong?

- No.

- Who is Mike Dong?

- There is no Mike Dong.

I just thought it was a good pun.

Mike Dong Festival

- I see.

I take it you've started this festival

as a protest to the
Mike Wong Film Festival.

- That's right.

My film didn't get into
the Mike Wong Festival,

probably because I'm from New Jersey,

where we don't have any elephants!

- [George] Thank you!

- Hey, you know the media's always welcome

at the Mike Dong Festival!

I'll leave you passes!

Anyone want passes?

- Excuse me, Mr. Dong.

- Wong.

- Uh, right.

What are the police doing here?

- I don't know, George.

They claim that someone
asked them to be here.

It wasn't me, though.

- What are you doing?

- I'm shooting a documentary.

- No, I'm shooting a documentary.

- I'm shooting a documentary
about your documentary.

- Great.

(audience applauds)

- [George Voiceover] The moment
of truth was nearly upon us.

One thing was certain:

After Rosemary's film,
the first prize winner

would be announced, and
perhaps the killer, as well.

- So, without further ado,

I'd like to bring on Rosemary Olsen,

the director of tonight's short film,

"Black Roses, Black
Carnations, Black Daisies".

Rosemary?
(audience applauds)

- I think it was Orson
Welles who once asked,

"What the hell was I thinking?"

Thank you.

(film projector clicking)

(smoky jazz music)

- With this elephant, I thee kill.

- That is so weird.

That's exactly how that
Maria woman was killed.

- Cut the camera, Tori.

- George, you're letting
your personal feelings

get in the way here.

Remember who you are.

Be a professional.

(George sighs)

(gun fires)

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to.

Whoops.

I'm sorry.

But I didn't kill you, your film did.

- I don't know what to say, Rosemary.

- [Detective Blank] Excuse me, Mr. Wong.

- [Arthur] Yes, Detective.

- I may not know a lot about movies--

- About film, Detective.

- About film.

Maybe I'm just a cop who
found Tarkovsky's last films

too dry and pedantic, but
I do know what my duty is.

You have the cinematic flair
of a master, Miss Olsen.

And you have the right to remain silent.

- You don't understand,
my film is anti-violence.

- Tell it to the critics, lady.

- Detective, don't you think

this is censorship of the worst degree?

You're arresting this woman

because you didn't like her film.

- I loved her film.

But it proves that she
murdered those other directors.

- Just because her film is about killing

doesn't make her a murderer.

By that token, Martin
Scorsese would be a gangster,

and Woody Allen would be, um...

Oh, never mind.

- Rosemary!

I think you should know that your film

was going to be awarded first place.

But, given these developments,

we have to award the money
to the first runner-up.

Congratulations, George.

I only wish I'd seen her film earlier.

Perhaps some of these murders
could have been prevented.

- Hold on a second!

Mr. Wong, who judged Rosemary's film?

- Well, I recused myself

because Rosemary and my son were close,

and I don't believe Siobhan

actually watched any of the films,

that means Elephant,

Elliot was the only judge to see it.

- And Elliot's film is next
on the schedule, isn't it?

I think we should watch it right now.

- Do you think I'm crazy?

Look what happened to the last director

who showed a film here.

- Elephant, your award stipulated
that you would have to--

- I'm not gonna show my
film with any cops around.

They take these things too literally!

And stop calling me Elephant.

- Elliot, you're gonna give me that film,

and we're gonna watch it.

- Careful, George, you're
becoming part of the story.

- Screw the story.

This has to do with the truth.

(suspenseful music)

(thrilling music)

(footsteps patter)

I'll take that film now, Elliot.

- How dare you.

You, a filmmaker yourself.

This is my film, I created it,

and I don't think the current
climate is right for it!

- You knew the rules when
you took the money, Elliot.

A year later you were gonna
have to screen the film.

Time's up.

Do the right thing, Elliot.

- Never!

(microphone clacking)

The medium is the message!

- [Tori] Hey, I said that.

- Besides, you have to speak

into the microphone!
(microphone thuds)

You get all that?

- Yeah, I got it.

But I don't think the sound is usable.

- [George Voiceover] For the last time,

we all gathered in the theater,

watching the screen for answers,

hoping that the auteur theory

had one last trick up its sleeves.

(film projector clicking)

- Once upon a time, there was a filmmaker.

This filmmaker was thought
by some to be a genius.

(children yelling)
(ominous atonal music)

(gun fires)

(people screaming)

- Why did you kill him?

(static crackling)

- Yes, some people thought
this filmmaker was a genius.

And not only did he have talent,

he had money, money to
make a feature film.

But, try as he might, this
prodigiously talented filmmaker

could not find a topic
for his feature film.

Until one day...

The filmmaker was judging some
short films for a festival,

while being watched by
one of his classmates,

a promiscuous Latina filmmaker.

- Look at you, judging
other people's movies,

and you don't have an idea for your own.

Any real artist would know
what to do with that money.

I can't believe I've been sleeping

with such an ineffectual putz.

Why don't you use that money

to buy yourself a really nice gun,

and shoot yourself with it?

Or give me the money, and I'll shoot you,

you pathetic, little man!

- Shut up!
(loud thud)

(dramatic music)

(smoky jazz music)

- With this elephant, I thee kill.

- And then, inspiration.

He would make a film about murder,

or, more accurately, he
would make a film about film.

The filmmaker knew that for
this film to be true to life,

it would have to be
patterned on real life,

like his earlier work.

So-called "real life"
would be reproduced on film

with younger, more attractive actors.

But, in this case, a
further wrinkle was added:

The source film would first

have to be replicated in real life

so that real life could then be reproduced

in the final film.

Film inspiring reality inspiring film.

It was all so beautifully

postmodern

As in any collaboration,
there was occasional tension.

- [Bad Chinese accent]
You keep film in festival,

or I kill again!

- I can't!

You're framing me for murder!

- [Teen Elliot] You keep in,

or you have more deaths on
your hands, like Mike's.

- Who are you, you cruel, heartless boy?

Who are you?!

- I am...

Art.

My name is Art.

("La Marseillaise")

(people murmuring)

- Let's go, Elephant.

- You people are such literalists!

Didn't you read the disclaimer?

- I'm a firm believer in the
doctrine of intentionality.

- Do you discount Foucault?

- Well, I don't discount him,

I simply find his conclusions reductive.

- Hmm, well, I've tried to reconcile

the theories of Lacan with Foucault

and the other major deconstructionists,

and I find, ultimately, it
leads me to the conclusion:

I must kill.

- Really?

- Detective, I think this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

- I knew all along that he was the killer.

Never a doubt in my mind.

- Right, right. Wow.

- Next year, I'm entering
the Mike Dong Festival.

- I hear that.

This festival is not

what it used to be.
- My next film will be

about a great white whale

that wears a paper bag on its head,

and the captain who's
obsessed with catching him.

- And the captain wears a
paper back on his head, too?

- [Unknown Filmmaker] No,
that's where I take it all

to the next level.

The captain wears a
plastic bag on his head.

- Oh, that's brilliant.

Hey, I can guarantee you a
slot in my festival next year!

Hey!

- You can't blame yourself
for what happened to Mike.

- I know I shouldn't.

And it helped to express
my feelings in the movie.

We filmmakers, we use our movies

as substitutes for psychotherapy.

Costs about the same.

- Rosemary, I'm terribly sorry.

Of course, first prize is yours.

I'm sure you understand, George.

- My work's not suited
to features, anyway.

- Thank you, Mr. Wong.

I accept in memory of Mike.

- And so, matters came
to a happy conclusion.

True, Detective Blank's
interpretation of Elliot's film

was a bit blunt, but,
well, he was a believer

in the doctrine of
intentionality, after all.

As for me, I learned an important lesson:

sometimes a film is just a film.

- So, whatever happened to you and--

- Miss Olsen?

- Well...

- I think you know that I consider you

more than just a subject.

- I know, George.

- I wonder if you might
consider a collaboration.

- What sort of a collaboration
did you have in mind?

- A very close collaboration.

- I could be open to that possibility.

Of course, I get top billing.

- Of course.

(sighs)

Well, there you have it.

- I'll grant you, Mr.
Sand, you spin a nice tale.

But, unfortunately for you,

I've seen some footage that
tells a very different story.

Would you please show
in the other gentleman?

- Sorry.

I needed finishing funds too.

- So?

- [George] There, there, Tori.

We'll find an audience for our film.

- [Tori] But where?

- [George] A place where the
people are truly open-minded.

America.

- [Tori] Or Canada?

- [George] Or Canada.

- [Tori] What about Chad?

(apprehensive music)

(upbeat music)

(gentle music)

(suspenseful music)