Original subtitles

This film contains very strong language

BABY CRIES

This is my son, Jonathan, born 2002.

I am a documentary film-maker...

BABY CRIES

...so I filmed Jonathan a lot.

It was amazing to see his determination.

Trying to be the good father, I spent a lot of time with my son -

mostly with a camera in my hand.

It was like some kind of protective filter between him and me.

Jonathan!

I had never been so close to anybody.

It scared me.

This new person was my responsibility.

We would be connected until the day I die.

But now, the connection is gone.

He's no longer here.

Jonathan, my beautiful boy, is dead.

I'm not going to bore you with the story of my marriage.

You have heard it all before.

Falling in love.

The carefree days of romance.

Children...

...followed by logistics hell.

Pushing myself into something I was not good at.

I was baffled by how much energy it took.

Jonathan was full-on from day one.

MUSIC PLAYS

When he learned to walk, life got a whole lot better for him.

HE SINGS

My wife was going to have her first long-awaited weekend off.

I had proved myself as a good enough father

to be trusted to look after him alone.

Obviously, I had to celebrate this landmark event.

I did not tell my wife.

I didn't think she needed to know.

It was a great evening with lots of fun.

I put Jonathan to bed and fell asleep with a big smile on my face.

The next morning, Jonathan could not walk.

I was ashamed.

In deep remorse.

A broken leg.

How could this have happened without me noticing?

It was like I could feel all of his pain and frustration.

At the same time, I felt joy mixed into it...

...that something fell into place.

It was a paradox.

Despite my fatherly incompetence, I felt a bond.

Father and son, not exactly in harmony but still connected.

This is one of very few pictures I have of my father.

My shortcomings as a dad

were probably a result of not having one myself.

But as all young boys, I remember I needed some man

to admire and look up to.

I found Roald Amundsen.

I remember how much he looked like my father.

Roald Amundsen was a hard man of the old school...

...always looking for something to conquer.

I was drawn to his masculinity and fearlessness.

I had this in me, whether I liked it or not.

These were the tools at my disposal.

And what I had to offer as a man and a father for Jonathan.

I like it, OK!

When Jonathan was seven, I gave him a camera.

HE SCREAMS

His speed and drive are fascinating to watch.

But with this wild flow of energy...

IMITATES EXPLOSION

...it was hard for me to connect.

HE SCREAMS

It was like he was already on a quest.

And like Amundsen, he wanted to conquer the world.

While Amundsen always went for the grandiose...

...the dramatic, the historic...

...the man who said little but accomplished a lot...

...the only thing I could hope to accomplish

was just getting through a normal day.

My father was a captain on large cruise ships in the Caribbean.

I only remember meeting him once.

I was about 30 years old and managed to track him down.

After some persuading, he finally agreed to see me,

at a restaurant, for two hours.

I asked him why he hadn't been there for me for all of my life...

...he mumbled, something about too much work and not enough time.

The next time I saw him, he was dead.

I took the camera with me.

I needed its protection more than ever.

I tried to say some of the things I never got to tell him before.

To be honest, it was a difficult conversation.

Except for his wife number four,

no-one else was welcome to his funeral.

Not his brothers, not his friends, or colleagues.

Not me.

I was OK with that.

In a way, these few minutes with him and my camera was all I needed.

I did not know the man.

I invited Jonathan into my work.

I cast him as an actor in one of my films.

I wanted Jonathan to know me.

The scene was about me

and how I felt happiness riding the bus to school as a child.

I honestly looked forward to that bus ride every morning.

Something fell into place during the shoot...

...I felt a connection with my son.

I remember Jonathan sitting in front of me.

I felt there was no friction between us.

I got to be a dad...

...he got to be a star.

MUSIC PLAYS

Every time I filmed Jonathan, he impressed me.

Like here, ten years old at the school party.

He was on fire.

CHEERING

Click, click, click, click, click, click!

Click, click, click, click, click, click...

Point breaker!

Jonathan had filmed himself while we were visiting family in Norway.

He seemed blooming and happy.

Like he wanted to live life to the maximum...

...and fill it with fun and adventure.

HE SPEAKS

HE SINGS

HE BABBLES

And we're back in the game!

LADY SPEAKS

I couldn't help thinking about my own restlessness when growing up.

SIREN WAILS

I remember how many dangerous and stupid situations I put myself in.

CAR ENGINE ROARS

Jonathan was wild, but I had been, too.

HE YELLS And I survived.

Cheers.

Why did I worry so much?

HE SHOUTS

Was it because I recognised myself in him?

Experience and age had calmed me down.

Now, if I felt some kind of urge for the wild,

I went to my tiny house in the forest.

A safe adventure.

Because I was always more comfortable

with people at a distance,

I hoped that, Jonathan, one day, also would find a method

for surviving his own wild nature.

Despite this trait of character, I chose to have people close to me.

Supporting me, adjusting me, needing me.

Like my wife, Jonna.

We have been married for 23 years now.

She is the woman of my life.

We bought a house, a car, and a dog.

The definition of a middle-class life.

Something my personality had tried to avoid.

HE HUMS

This is my stepdaughter, Rebecca.

HE SPEAKS NORWEGIAN

I have been her dad for over 20 years.

She was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.

But despite her damaged body, we have a connection.

I feel relaxed around Rebecca.

I am no longer important.

HE GROANS

Mother took care of me by herself throughout my upbringing.

She had low income and a sick body.

She was depressed and had a wild son she did not understand.

Being with my mother always made me feel weak...

...emasculated in an uncomfortable way.

I moved out when I was 17.

We kept a natural distance.

Over the years, I noticed how she was getting

older, weaker and lonelier.

So although I liked the distance, I moved her to Sweden, where I live.

I understood my responsibility.

She had done her best and I was grateful.

I see her twice a week

and she gets to spend time with her grandchildren.

And I think she's happier now than I've ever seen her.

It makes me feel... content.

Still, there were times I just needed to escape.

Once, I spent weeks in an old camping trailer

in the Norwegian mountains.

I told myself it was work.

I was a documentary film-maker developing a new idea.

But I must admit, it felt good to get away.

To just be alone.

DEVICE RINGS

CONNECTION CUTS

Suddenly, being alone felt no good at all.

So, back home, I tried making up for lost time.

All the stuff I felt I missed out on as a child,

I wanted Jonathan to experience.

Jonathan has turned 11 and I try hard being

the active, present dad I always wished I had.

But still a dad obsessed with his camera.

I took him on all sorts of activities and felt like a real dad.

From the creators of Luna...

At the same time, in some strange way, I also felt like a son.

It was like growing up with a father that was also me.

Jonathan was now 15 and growing fast into his own life.

Spending time with him was not something

I could take for granted any more.

The comfort of our middle-class life did not fulfil me.

An existential restlessness was creeping in.

And with it, a new idea started developing.

It was rooted in my obsession with Roald Amundsen.

Amundsen conquered everything he set his eyes on,

like the South Pole and the North Pole.

Norway's most celebrated hero could not fail.

But in 1893, an expedition went wrong.

He tried to cross a small Norwegian mountain passage with his brother.

He nearly froze to death.

Now I want to go on the same expedition.

But of course I want mine to succeed.

I trained for it whenever I could, wherever I could.

The thought of an expedition was rejuvenating,

but I wanted to take it one step further.

I wanted Jonathan to come along.

Father and son against the elements.

I don't know why this expedition became so important to me,

but it seemed like a perfect idea.

I was going on an adventure.

I got to spend time with my son, and the experience

would build strength and character for Jonathan.

...Future me.

- OK. - You're going to be a soldier boy.

I'm going to die in Afghanistan, boy.

Jonathan loved playing war games on his computer.

I used this to convince him to apply to a military camp for kids.

I hoped it would teach him something about discipline.

I suddenly noticed how little and thin he was.

Still just a child.

When he was guiding me around the bootcamp with great enthusiasm,

I was starting to doubt my clever plan.

I saw boy soldiers marching.

It was the order and discipline I had hoped for.

But regret was kicking in.

Was this really good for him?

When I left, a bad feeling came over me.

Jonathan came home from his military training,

but I did not see him much.

I felt I was losing touch.

Being the invading film-maker and father I am,

I bribed him $100 to let me download the contents of his mobile phone...

...uncensored.

I could have saved myself that morning

and kept dreaming about my son as a disciplined soldier.

Connecting with Jonathan was still a struggle.

He was electric, always in motion.

♪ I'm going to be the lead role

♪ And he's going to be the second role... ♪

But I found an arena where we communicated.

♪ He's going to be the second role

♪ And I'm going to be the lead role

♪ Ooh

♪ I'm going to be Walter White, and he's going to be Jesse Pinkman

♪ Ooh. ♪

I drove him everywhere, to football practice,

to school, downtown, to the youth club and to friends.

I told myself I did it for him,

but it was probably more for me, a way to relate.

We bonded, and I made that happen

by literally strapping him down with the seat belt.

I kept pushing for the idea of doing what my polar hero,

Roald Amundsen, couldn't do.

I suggested a training expedition.

I offered more money, and he took the bait.

And it was there, in that moment, I finally realised the truth.

That our planned polar expedition

was going to be as hellish as the situation was here,

just on a larger scale.

My bond with Jonathan wouldn't get any stronger

by dragging him up on the Norwegian mountains

in -30 Celsius.

I decided on a new strategy.

OK.

I took him to the Canary Islands.

I brought my friend Kristian along for good chemistry.

This was more Jonathan's scene.

Jonathan had hit a nerve.

He called out my confusion and pretentiousness,

and I did not like it.

But I was also impressed.

Looking back, it makes me see just how close we were.

It leaves me gasping for air.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

♪ Baby, I just don't get it

♪ Do you enjoy being hurt?

♪ I know you smelled the perfume...

♪ The make-up on his shirt

♪ You don't believe his stories

♪ You know that they're all lies

♪ Bad as you are, I stick around

♪ And I just don't know why

♪ If I was your man, baby

♪ You never worry about what I do

♪ I'd be coming home

♪ Back to you every night, doing you right

♪ You're the type of woman who deserves good things

♪ Fistful of diamonds, a handful of rings

♪ Baby, you're a star

♪ I just want to show you you are

♪ You should let me love you

♪ Let me be the one to give you

♪ Everything you want and need

♪ Baby, good love and protection

♪ Make me your selection

♪ Show you the way love's supposed to be

♪ Baby, you should let me love you, love you, love you

♪ Love you

♪ Yeah, listen

♪ You're true beauty's description

♪ Look so good that it hurts

♪ You're a dime, plus 99, and it's a shame

♪ Don't even know what you're worth

♪ Everywhere you go, they stop and stare,

♪ Cos you're bad and it shows

♪ From your head to your toes, out of control

♪ Baby, you know

♪ If I was your man, baby

♪ You'd never worry about what I do

♪ I'd be comin' home, back to you, every night, doin' you right

♪ You're the type of woman who deserves good things

♪ Fistful of diamonds, a handful of rings

♪ Baby, you're a star

♪ I just wanna show you you are

♪ You should let me love you

♪ Let me be the one to

♪ Give you everything you... ♪

Jonathan has turned 18 and is now an adult.

No longer under the custody of his parents.

I'm going to take this motherfucker and shove it up my ass.

- Yeah! - Yeah, yeah!

A few months after getting his freedom, Jonathan moved out.

He and his best friend, Mans Oscar,

borrowed a cabin in the mountains.

I helped them move their computers and other stuff.

Jonathan met Mans at the military youth camp four years back.

They seemed like the perfect fit.

Jonathan the charming salesman,

Mans the calculating strategist behind the computer.

I was proud that they were venturing out into the world.

But I also had an alarming feeling when I left them that day

that was hard to shake.

What happens when adventurous young men step out into the world

with questionable role models promising wealth and success?

Jonathan was still just 18.

Three years from now, he will be dead.

Amundsen took big risks preparing for his upcoming expeditions.

He borrowed money to get the equipment he needed.

He wasn't even honest about where he was going.

Without telling anyone, he set off.

It was only when he was out at sea

that he told his crew that there was no turning back.

They had to make it or die trying.

Amundsen's uncompromising strategy reminded me

of my son and his friend up in the winter mountains.

They were preparing an expedition.

That much was obvious.

They had been at the mountain cabin for two months.

It was always hard for me to deny Jonathan

the things he asked for.

Say no to him.

We had set up an account in Jonathan's name.

It was his money, but it was meant to secure his future,

not for spending on a whim.

And it felt like Jonathan had a lot of whims.

But I remained calm in the storm, convinced that he would grow out

of it and become more rational and realistic.

I was wrong.

They said they were going to a meeting in Stockholm,

but something more was going on.

I could sense it.

Whatever they had planned, I had no way of stopping it.

They were a team, and they were tight.

Jonathan was young but also smart and they had each other.

Then they were gone.

Truly gone.

Their cellphones were dead.

Days and weeks passed with no sign of life.

No activity on social media.

It was like they had vanished from Earth.

♪ Is this where you and I belong?

♪ Can you see how far we've gone... ♪

We considered involving the police, even Interpol,

but decided we had to trust them.

♪ I'll make sure you find your way home... ♪

After all, they were grown-ups now,

barely.

♪ Is this where you and I belong?

♪ Is this where you and I belong? ♪

Jonathan had quit school before it finished.

The two young men had left everything behind

to chase their dreams.

It was make it or die trying.

I had done an interview with Jonathan

one year before he disappeared.

It seemed like he had a very clear direction in his life.

Going through Jonathan's room in search of traces of his plans,

I discovered that he had emptied the savings accounts

we had set up in his name - $30,000.

His passport was also gone.

March 2021.

Covid was raging across the world.

Jonathan and Mans were out there in harsh conditions, seeking glory.

Had I taught Jonathan what was

needed to survive in a chaotic world?

On top of everything,

my wife and I decided to sell the house.

Rebecca had her own apartment. Our dog was dead.

There was no-one here.

And Jonathan, many weeks had passed without any trace of him.

But then, while we are moving out,

he logs onto a website where we can see the location of his computer.

And what was the most dangerous travel destination

during the Covid pandemic in the spring of 2021?

The country with the largest number of deaths from Covid-19.

The country with the world's most controversial leader.

Brazil.

And there he was.

Finally, I found him on Instagram.

Not at all the way I had imagined.

SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYS

Jonathan had disappeared, but there he was,

on the other side of Earth with a new boyfriend.

Gustavo Rocha,

an influencer with over eight million followers on Instagram.

- Hi. How's it going? - Hello. Nice to meet you.

Oh, shit.

I'm going to take care of him here in Brazil.

- Trust me, I promise you. - OK.

But I hope one day I'm going to meet you guys.

I never saw it coming.

It took me totally by surprise.

Jonathan was living with Gustavo

and though I only met him online, Gustavo made a good impression.

I could tell he really loved and cared for Jonathan.

Jonathan still had his business with Mans

and things seemed to be going well.

Jonathan checked in from Brazil almost every day.

I was constantly worried,

but the daily connection with him put me at ease.

It was very confusing,

but I didn't want to be an old man questioning my son's sexuality.

The important thing was that he seemed happy

and was living his dream.

Jonathan, finally a star in Brazil,

while I... I just felt hollow and drained of strength.

I didn't really know who I was any more, or what I wanted.

Something needed to change.

So I divorced my wife, Jonna.

I loved her.

But I just needed to get away from it all.

I needed to escape and find out what was left of me now.

I did not get away for long.

Two months later, Jonathan's boyfriend called me.

- Hello? - Hello, Gustavo. What the hell is happening?

- - Your son.

What did he do?

GUSTAVO SOBS

Oi-yoi-yoi. Breathe, man. Breathe.

What happened? Are you OK?

Gunnar, I swear to God, I'm in depression because of your son.

I got anxiety, I'm taking pills because of your son,

because of the way that he treats me, and I...

I warned you before, and I think it didn't work.

Nothing. It didn't work.

I love this guy so much. You know, Gunnar.

Yeah, I know. I know. I know.

I said so many beautiful things. They hide a lot of things.

This guy and Mans, they hide a lot of things.

And I'm going to tell you something. They are...

They are having, Mans and Jonathan,

they are having, like, coaches that are psychopaths.

Jonathan told me they are psychopaths.

And sometimes you have to be weird as fuck and do this and do that,

like weird things like them, to succeed like them.

And I was like, Jonathan, this is, this is crazy as fuck.

And he's doing this, he's being a psychopath

because of these coaches and also Mans.

They have... I don't know what's going on.

- It's really sad. - Yeah. If I meet Jonathan in years,

I hope to see another guy.

Not this guy that he's being right now.

I told him I didn't... I didn't fall in love to this guy.

I fall in love for the guy that was in Rio de Janeiro,

and after a month that he was here, he changed into another person.

He's just... He's just lost. Your son is lost.

And he doesn't know what he's doing and I'm sorry.

He thinks that he can live this life

that he's living right now, but he's just ruined his life

- and also people close to him. - Yeah.

I didn't know what I could hope to achieve.

But I needed to see him,

see where he lived, the people he was working with,

to meet his friends and roommates, check in on the whole situation.

Jonathan reluctantly agreed to take this photo

with me at the airport, and then he immediately

told me he never wanted to be filmed again... ever.

Period.

Jonathan and Mans rented the villa where they slept and worked

together with two other young men.

I didn't see Mans. Apparently he was in Romania on a seminar.

Jonathan put me in an apartment quite some way from there.

He had no time for me.

He had too much work going on.

What apparently had been a bisexual experiment was now definitely over,

and he seemed strangely homophobic.

He divided the world into winners and losers,

and he, of course, was a winner, obsessed with the idea of success.

He had all kinds of projects on digital platforms.

A lot of it involved influencers

and marketing of various brands and products.

I did not understand much of it.

I just felt like an old man.

I looked more closely at the photo I took at the airport.

He had a logo on his jacket.

Andrew Tate.

We are living inside of the matrix and I am Morpheus.

Andrew Tate is a mega influencer

who quickly became a role model for many young men.

You got your sword, your wife starts talking,

you're like, "Shut up!"

You need men to defend feminism.

So that's why the whole thing is stupid.

He propagates that women should serve men

and that the strong should dominate the weak.

Most of you are worms. You don't do anything important.

You're just living in your shit life,

living in your little dirt, just sitting there wriggling,

hoping an eagle doesn't come along to fuck you up.

Andrew Tate was arrested in Romania, charged with human trafficking.

How could Jonathan be listening to someone preaching values

so completely against everything I ever taught him?

We had dinner one night and I tried to talk to him.

It ended with a very loud and messy argument about the world,

about morals, about this film, and about us.

My son and his best friend Mans were swallowed up

by a digital reality with twisted rules

for how a man should succeed in the world.

Like an echo from the last century.

Without warning, Jonathan came home.

He was back not just in person, but also in manner.

It was just a few months since I had been to Brazil.

He brought a Brazilian girl with him

and he was completely different.

I was even allowed to film him again.

I rented a summer house in Norway and went on vacation

with the new couple.

I had a secret wish that he would settle down, back with his father.

But even though he was kind and loving,

he worked basically all the time.

Mans was running the business from their villa in Brazil,

and Jonathan was doing his part from here

on his laptop or his phone.

He was still fixed on the one goal

that took most of his time and energy - to become rich.

After the vacation, Jonathan was eager to get back to Brazil.

- Father. - Son. - Father. - Son.

Are you going away again now?

Yes.

- With the high speed. - I'm escaping the matrix.

Meaning?

- OK, so... - We're going to Brazil, baby.

- Going to miss my father. - Going to miss you, Gunnar.

But your spirit is always in me, father.

So it's all good. This is some quote for the movie.

As a father, if you did a good job, your life continues in your son.

So you never die. As the father.

You create a better version of yourself as the father,

and the son is out there

and continues your legacy as a Jensen, right?

OK, summary - I can die now, then.

LAUGHTER

I could only think of how things had been in Brazil.

More than ever, I wanted to hold him back, stop him from leaving.

These weeks with Jonathan were some of the best moments we had together.

I wanted them to stay like this.

Little did I know that this was our last goodbye.

In just 11 days,

my son would be dead.

It felt like I had fallen into a hole in the ice.

Jonathan, my only son,

brutally stabbed to death in Brazil.

I did not sleep for days.

I tried to get all the information I could.

What led to the killing?

How did it happen? Why?

Who was present?

I needed details.

I got only small bits of facts.

Fragments of horror.

You can find more information in our privacy policy at fast.com.

This is one of very few pictures I have of my son in Brazil.

Jonathan's ashes finally arrived from Brazil.

It had been two months since he was killed.

We had a memorial service with friends and family.

A lot of people came to share our grief.

I had spent so much time on logistics

and not really had any time for mourning.

It felt good to do it here with all these people

who also in some way had been part of Jonathan's short life.

I can constantly feel a pressure in the whole of my body and mind,

pain in every cell of my being.

What happened is final and I can never fix it.

Jonathan will never get a full life.

He was just getting started.

I returned to my ex-wife.

I proposed for a second time.

We love each other. We need each other.

- You may kiss the bride. - You may kiss the bride.

Strange as it was, manifesting our love again felt right.

And it was like Jonathan was there, blessing us.

We felt him in the room, in us.

A beautiful thing.

Perhaps hinting towards some kind of light.

♪ When routine bites hard

♪ And ambitions are low

♪ And resentment rides high

♪ But emotions won't grow... ♪