Original subtitles

(piano playing melody)

(melody ending)

- Okay, so, we open up, - Let's say that--

Are we gonna have any, like, sort of opening,

like when we get on stage,

or are we just gonna go right into it?

What I was imagining was dark stage.

- Yeah. - Backlight, okay?

They see, like, just a silhouette, okay? Of me.

I like it. Okay.

- With my head down. - Yeah.

And you're at the piano and you start going...

(imitating piano melody) Actually...

- Like what? - (playing upbeat melody)

No, no, no, no, no.

A little more opening-- opening of a thing,

and I point, and this red light turns on, and I...

(playing piano)

And red lights go on all around.

- (playing piano) - Like that.

And then, like, boom! On my face.

- At the audience, like that. - (upbeat piano continuing)

Good evening, folks. What you're about to see

is something you've never seen before.

We are Nirvanna the Band.

And you are about to be sent to the moon!

And then, I do my two-step.

And this is just no talking,

just-- like they just get to watch me move.

- (upbeat piano continuing) - Ah!

Hah! And women in the crowd are like,

"What the fuck is this?! Who is this guy?"

(grunting)

You didn't know this was coming!

And then-- right then, break down.

- Boom! - Right in.

And then, you start right in the first song,

which is whatever we feel there.

If the audience is screaming,

if they're like, "More, more..."

More opening then. We keep, like, playing to the audience.

I have a feeling, that right off the bat,

they're gonna ask for an encore.

- Okay. - I think they're gonna be

like, "Again, do the intro again!"

Matt: Okay, so, here is the plan.

why does a club book a band?

- Jay: They play good music? - Matt: No.

- Draw in a good crowd? - Matt: No.

Jay: Okay.

- Flyers! - Huh.

Matt: Flyers that say what?

- Nirvanna the Band. - Okay.

Flyers that say Nirvanna the Band,

but what are they saying to people?

Come see them where? We don't have a show.

Well, then we're-- We will.

The point of this is to get The Rivoli to book us, right?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so we--

and we'll have a picture of us on there.

You know what? Let's make the flyers,

the plan goes perfectly, we play at The Rivoli tonight.

Jay, I got a feeling

things are going to work out okay for us.

(playing melancholy piano melody)

♪

(piano continuing)

- Jay! I figured it out! - (footsteps thudding)

- Whoo! - Okay, so...

Whoa!

This plan is called the Seventh Inning...

Stretch.

...Skydive.

(chuckling) Oh.

Step one: we skydive...

into the...

...SkyDome.

Hold on, wait.

We, during a game, go up the CN Tower...

(making beeping sounds)

I don't think you can get up to the very top.

Jump! (screaming)

Into the open dome.

Whole crowd's gonna go insane 'cause like, "What is this?

"Terrorist attack?" Actually, we're coming in--

We're gonna have to have the peace signs...

- Okay, hold on, hold on. - ...as we float in.

We land in there.

Then, I take the microphone. Pretend this Orbitz bottle--

Oh, do you know what Orbitz are?

Pretend it's a microphone.

This is a novelty-- you know what...

- It's our last bottle. - I...

- Do you know this drink? - Yes!

I take a microphone.

We've landed. "Ladies and gentlemen,

"you're probably wondering why we skydived here--"

skydove here?

"You're probably wondering why we skydove here."

Skydiven.

- I don't think so. Skydived? - Hmm.

It's skydived, right?

"You're probably wondering why we skydived here?"

- Skydived. - I'm gonna just amend it.

"Ladies and gentlemen,

"you're probably wondering why we're here."

Because the skydiving is implied. They saw us do it.

What are you saying to everyone?

Except for the blind people.

"For those of you who didn't see what just happened,

"we skydove."

- I'm in the same trap. - Tell me the plan.

The--

"A bolt of lightning in every bottle."

God, I miss this stuff.

This might be the last bottle of this in existence.

Okay, what is happening with the SkyDome plan?

Well, let's just... let's just do it.

(playing fanfare)

"Ladies and gentlemen, you're probably wondering who we are.

"We are Nirvanna the Band.

"And tonight, we are playing for one night only,

"an exclusive engagement

"at The Rivoli at Queen and Spadina.

"We'll see you there after the game."

(playing triumphant flourish)

And then, I'll vamp a bit, and be like,

"Little bit about us--"

You there in the stands.

Do you have a show at The Rivoli?

I'm actually asking that for me, actually.

We don't have a show at The Rivoli. I know the answer.

I know, but don't you see? It's that if you build--

So, we're telling everybody to go to a show that we don't have.

If you build it, they will come.

It's "If you build it, they will come."

Right?

Are you sure this is going to work?

This is gonna be the last plan you and I ever have to do.

And as far as I'm concerned,

we're playing The Rivoli tonight.

("Army" by Ben Folds Five plays)

♪ Well, I thought about the army ♪

♪ Dad said, "Son, you're fuckin high" ♪

♪ And I thought, yeah, there's a first for everything ♪

♪ So I took my old man's advice ♪

♪ Three sad semesters, it was only fifteen grand ♪

♪ Spent in bed, I thought about the army ♪

♪ I dropped out and joined a band instead ♪

♪

♪ Grew a moustache and a mullet ♪

♪ Got a job at Chic-fil-A ♪

♪ Citing artistic differences ♪

♪ The band broke up in May ♪

♪ And in June, reformed without me ♪

♪ And they got a different name ♪

♪ I nuked another grandma's apple pie ♪

♪ And hung my head in shame ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Been thinking a lot today ♪

♪ Been thinking a lot today ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Think I'll write a screenplay ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Think I'll take it to LA ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ I think I'll get it done yesterday ♪

♪ Aw, shit ♪

Matt: Take a good look, Jay.

This is the last time you're going to see

The Rivoli as a citizen.

As a citizen?

'Cause tonight, we're playing the show.

We're playing the show.

We're going to be loading in right there.

You'll have your keyboard under your arm.

Ah!

The girls taking your picture.

The girls are not going to be taking my picture.

Oh, yes, they will!

- You wanna bet?! - No, they're not!

Do you wanna bet they're gonna take your picture?

♪

Hi.

- Good. - Uh, it's a parachute.

Actually, that's what this is for.

We need something that-- like, that can cut through--

like, we're going to be quite up high,

and I think they're going to have a safety harness on us

or something like that.

And would snippers like this,

would they be able to cut through,

like, a kind of harness?

So, here's-- we are gonna be up on, um--

on the CN Tower, in one of-- on the EdgeWalk,

where we're wearing the safe--

I think they put a safety vest on you,

and we need something that can, like,

cut through the rope or the cable on it.

Do you know what I mean?

But-- Oh, I'm not cutting through elect--

I'm cutting through fabric,

I'm not cutting through a live wire.

What happens if we're not even allowed

in the security with these?

But I think that--

Right. But...

But...

But these will cut through cable, possibly.

Look, there's Spider-Man.

(car horns honking)

So, how do we get in here?

It might be a little too high, Matt.

Excuse me.

Is this the line to get into the CN Tower?

Thanks a lot. I've got to jump off it, actually.

Where is your accent from?

Oh, nice to meet you. I'm Matt. How you doing?

Enjoy your trip. Have a good time.

Okay. All right. So, we just join the line. Bye.

Jay: Matt, I'm afraid of heights.

Matt: Shut up. Hi. How you doing?

We're just going up the-- we're just going up the tower.

(chuckling)

Just put-- Just put our keys in here?

Jay: I have a wireless mic. Here.

And pack.

(beeping)

(beeping)

Matt: Oh! Oh, yeah, I have my clippers.

I have my clippers, too.

I have these... clippers.

Uh, I guess I just have them. I don't need them.

Matt: Oh, they're for just cutting

Matt: Sure, sure, sure.

Matt: No, don't worry.

Thank you. Don't worry about it.

Thank you.

Man: Are you ready to walk 116 stories above Toronto

with nothing but a harness securing you?

Jay: Is that how high up we're going to be?

This is EdgeWalk--

That's not how high up we're gonna be.

Don't tell me that's how high up we're gonna be.

Man: ...view of Canada's biggest city

and the knowledge that you have been truly

on top of the world.

Are you ready to step up and touch the sky?

Guide: This one goes on the back,

this one goes on the front.

This one acts like a seat belt,

so, it will move with you as you move.

Any sudden actions, it will lock up...

The pad will be bumping you on the back of the head.

Love that tap,

it means you are still attached to the rail.

Just don't touch it.

♪

And then, we actually had a citizenship ceremony

up there once, and we actually had the judge wear a tux.

We even had proposals happen out there.

Woman: What about the ring?

(cheering)

Announcer: The skies are threatening

and you will be able to see the SkyDome close,

as we are about to say so long to the CN tower,

at least, visually.

(beeping)

Guide: My gosh, guys,

look at that beautiful view

that we have right now hitting us, right?

Oh, my God, guys! That is a long way down!

Come and take a look, everybody.

Come and get it! Come here. There you go.

You go there. Exactly.

(wind gusting)

You're just walking a Guinness World Record,

EdgeWalk is the highest external hands-free walk

in the world...

- All right. - Jay: Uh...

Guide: Guys, take a look all the way down.

Whoa, is that supposed to do that?

- Guide: It's perfect. - Jay: Okay.

Guide: I'm gonna move to the front.

All right, everybody, now... welcome to EdgeWalk.

(cheering)

Right now, we are 356... (static crackles)

(guide speaking indistinctly)

Guide: It's the highest observation deck

in the Western Hemisphere. I can see...

♪

Jay: No, no!

(screaming)

(radio static hissing)

(screaming cutting in and out on microphone)

Matt: Here we go!

Jay: The dome is closing!

Matt: We've got time!

Okay, we're coming in hot!

Oh, too much!

(Matt grunting) Oh, fuck!

Jay: Oh (bleep)!

- (thudding) - (groaning)

Matt: Are you all right?

- Are you all right? - Jay: Get (bleep) off of me!

Matt: Whoa! I'm trying to help you.

Jay: You pushed me off the tower!

What, are you crazy? I thought I was going to die!

Matt: But you're okay.

- Jay: Oh my God! It's closed! - Matt: Yeah.

Jay: We didn't even make it in time!

Matt: Well, maybe there's a way to open it. Let's try--

Jay: So we almost died and the plan didn't even work.

Oh my God. The plan is over.

Matt: You know what, we're gonna find another way inside.

Jay: It didn't work. Again!

("Borrowed Time" by Tom Martin plays)

♪

♪ Well, did you know ♪

♪ That I was one of those you left behind ♪

♪ You were up and gone without a goodbye ♪

♪ They all said that you were not the kind to stick around ♪

♪ I only wish I'd known that it was time ♪

♪ The evenings on the highway coming down to be with you ♪

♪ I couldn't wait to eat your home-cooked meal ♪

♪ At nighttime, in the moonlight ♪

Matt: Well, that's ironic. What did I say,

"next time we see The Rivoli, it's gonna be..."

(chuckling) Oh, Jesus.

But you know what?

Maybe we still got time for another plan. What, uh...

Excuse me. Do you know what time it is?

Thank you very much. 9:03?

Not a lot-- no. We got--

We got a lot of night left.

Uh, Bird?

Yeah, it's The Rivoli.

Bird.

Oh, Jesus.

Are you guys playing--

Are you guys playing the show tonight?

Lucky!

What did you have to do to score that?

(thunder crashing)

Did you see that?

Lightning just hit the CN Tower!

Jay, isn't that like a bad omen?

We were just there.

Jay!

If you think about it, we were off by what...

Three minutes? Two minutes?

That's your classic-- Whoo!

If we had a time machine,

we would have fixed that right away, do you know what I mean?

Oh, Bird, I got an idea!

Forget an idea. I think I figured it out.

Listen to this: time machine plan.

Bird,

we pretend to be from the future.

We build a-- Oh, my God.

We take the RV in the backyard,

deck it out like the DeLorean in Back-- in--

yeah, in Back to the Future. We could build, like,

a fake contraption with like-- what do they have?

The flux capacitor and all that stuff,

just like Doc Brown has.

It's like-- like, uh, dates and times,

in, like, um... analogue numbers.

And we hire an actor to pretend to be

- a post office guy... - (flies buzz)

...to um, deliver... (belching)

...deliver a video, saying that it's from the past.

So, it's the past and the future coming together.

That's when we show up, coughing,

we got the dry ice coming out of the machine. (coughs)

Bird?

Bird?

Oh, you're-- I see,

you're like, "Work's done for the day.

"We've done too much. It's time to play."

No problem.

What's that? Bird's favourite game?

Okay, ready?

Bird.

(toy gun clicking)

You're Batman. (chuckles)

Goodnight, Matt.

All right, well...

Uh...

Bird, I'm gonna get started!

("Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry playing)

Doc Brown: This readout tells you where you're going,

this one tells you where you are,

this one tells you where you were.

You input your destination time on this keypad.

♪ Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans ♪

♪ Way back up in the woods among the evergreens ♪

The flux capacitor.

♪ There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood ♪

♪ Where lived a country boy named Johnny B. Goode ♪

♪ Who never ever learned to read or write so well ♪

♪ But he could play a guitar just like a-ringin' a bell ♪

(screaming)

♪ Go, go ♪

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go ♪

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go ♪

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go ♪

♪ Go, Johnny, go, go ♪

♪ Johnny B. Goode ♪

(phone line ringing)

Hi, um...

I was thinking about, uh,

coming to play the open mic.

Matt: Jared! (knocking)

Jared! Hey!

Where do we keep the old cameras in here?

I need to find the old cameras from way back.

Jared: They're in the bin.

Matt: Oh, yes. Okay.

My name is Matt Johnson, if you're watching this,

I need your help.

I mistakenly invented a time machine,

and I played with it like a fool.

I went back to the year 2008,

and I have done something that has set off a chain of events

that has destroyed the future!

Oh my God. Okay. And you're in Ottawa, right? So...

How far away is Ottawa? I'm in Toronto.

Rivoli, I am about to appear

in the year 2025, in your time!

And it is of vital importance that you let me and my band,

Nirvanna the Band, play a show at the Rivoli tonight,

in order to undo what I did!

So... do you have to be a band or a duo

or can you be... solo?

Watch! It's a full time machine!

I have the flux capacitor, I have the, uh, batteries...

Oh, man, I left my Orbitz in that stupid thing.

Let's do it again where I don't have the-- oh, shit!

Oh, fuck! We gotta do it--

No! No! Oh, fuck!

Oh, no! (blowing)

Oh, fuck! Oh, Jesus! (blowing)

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - (alarm beeping)

(blowing) Uh... Oh, my God.

Uh... (blowing)

Jared: Put it out! You got it?

Matt: Oh, is that even gonna do anything?

- Jared: Put it out! - Yeah, I'm trying to put--

So, I have a show booked, essentially?

I said I have a show booked tomorrow?

See you tomorrow night. Okay. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

(coughing) Oh, fuck.

And the lights on it is what made it look good

in the first place.

- Now, it's just like, junk. - (Crashing)

Oh.

Shit.

(birds chirping)

(stairs creaking quietly)

(exhaling quietly)

(Jay panting)

("Holiday" by Turnstile plays)

♪

♪ Now it's a holiday ♪

♪ Now it's a holiday ♪

(song continuing on stereo)

♪ I wanna free up from the vine ♪

♪ I wanna celebrate ♪

♪ Close enough to feel and now it's time to disappear ♪

♪ I wanna celebrate ♪

♪ So I can never feel the cold ♪

(engine revving)

(thudding)

♪ ...never feel the cold ♪

♪ I can never feel the cold ♪

♪ Now it's a holiday ♪

- Ah! - Ah! (bleep)!

- Aah! - Jay: Matt?

- Ah! - Ooh!

(bleep)!

What the (bleep) are you doing?

- What are you doing? - Oh, (bleep)!

Hey, Matt. (laughing)

- What is this (bleep)? - Uh, um.

- I'm being kidnapped? - Um...

I-- I needed to just take it.

Okay, hold on. Just tell me what's going on.

Jay: I will. Yeah, okay.

'Cause I don't wanna get angry.

- You know how... - "You know how" what?

- You know how when you-- - "How when" what?

- If you just went, uh... - If you went when how what?

I'm getting fucked over, aren't I?

No, no, no, I was just, um, uh...

Okay, listen to this...

time machine plan.

Matt: What are you doing?

Doing the time machine plan.

Doing-- Doing the time machine plan?

Did you say you're "Doing the time machine plan"?

Yeah.

Oh, we're going to The Rivoli right now?

- Yes. - Oh!

(engine revving)

That's why you're driving so fast?

Jay: Yeah. Um, and as far as I'm concerned,

we are playing the Rivoli tonight.

- Jay, watch out! Watch out! - (streetcar bell dinging)

- (tires squealing) - Ah!

(grunting)

Oh my God. Oh, I saw a flash of white light, and then a...

And then, it's-- (groaning)

Jay: Where did that streetcar come from?

(grunting) Ah, fuck I hit my ass.

Oh, my God.

Ah. (wincing)

How you doin'?

Sorry about this. (laughing)

It could've been a lot worse. Right?

Like, could've been a lot-- could've been a lot worse.

Bird?

You're missing a great visual joke.

Uh, I'm gonna go.

- Sure, let's go. - Uh, no, no, no.

- We should clean this up. - Yeah, let's clean this up.

Oh. Whoa.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Oh, my God.

What the hell?

Oh, someone else got a show at The Rivoli.

Goddamn it.

- You know, I gotta go. - What?

Oh, 'cause you're mad about this?

We're gonna get the show. I promise.

Hey, look at that, tourists. Tourists, Bird.

Hi. Welcome to Toronto.

Come check us out at The Rivoli later!

Jay: But we don't have a show...

Well, we-- we could be playing any day.

(Black Eyed Peas' "Let's Get It Started" plays on speaker)

Uh... Toron... I know this looks bad.

We just hit this Now Magazine box with our RV by accident.

This doesn't speak for Toronto generally.

Enjoy.

Okay, we gotta clean this up and get outta here.

- Yeah, uh, you know what? - Yeah?

You clean this up.

I'll take the RV to the shop, make sure there's no damage.

Matt: Come on. We'll move this thing in two minutes,

if you just help me... help me lift this up.

Jay: Yeah, okay.

(grunting)

Matt: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

- Let's go see a movie. - See a...

Let's see a movie together. Look. We're right here.

When's the last time you and I saw a movie together,

like friends?

You want to see a movie?

You like that?

Yeah! Right now?

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! - Hey.

We gotta wait for The Rivoli to open anyway.

And it's dark in there.

What'd you say?

Jay?

It's the weekend, Budnick.

I don't know you. You do not exist.

Shit.

(laughing)

Nice car.

Jay: I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

Matt: What do you mean? The movie just started.

Goodbye, Matt.

What are you doing?

Move! What...

Sorry. Yeah.

- Excuse me. - Yeah, go.

Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me.

Melissa on screen: Not to mention, it's pathetic.

Goodbye, Matt.

Right.

- And the worst part is... - Jesus Christ.

(music swelling)

(crowd laughing)

Stu: I was just gonna say that.

Melissa: See?

I just wish your friends were as mature as you.

They are mature, actually.

You just have to get to know them better.

Phil: Paging Dr. Faggot!

(audience laughing loudly)

Dr. Faggot!

(audience laughing)

Stu: I should go.

That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

(audience laughing loudly)

Uh-oh.

♪

- (horn honking) - Oh, I'm sorry!

- (horn honking) - Sorry!

Okay.

- Matt: Jay. Jay! - (Jay laughing)

- Jay, Jay! - Jay: (bleep). Oh, (bleep).

Um, uh, um...

Jay.

Yeah. I was, uh...

Matt: Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I-I can explain this, okay?

Actually, Matt... I need to--

It's 2008.

What?

The time machine worked somehow and we are in 2008.

Do you-- Do you understand?

We are-- We are time travelers.

Okay, no.

Um, yeah. Look. I'll prove it to you.

Watch, watch, watch. The time machine works.

Look, okay? Uh, look.

- (beeping) - Okay. We'll go to...

(beeping, chiming)

Okay, watch this.

- (engine revving) - Hold onto your butts!

- (engine revving) - Ah!

I'm accelerating us to 88 kilom--

or is it miles an hour?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Matt: Just watch! You'll be laughing in a second.

- (engine revving) - Okay. Come on.

Come on!

80. 85!

Can you... Can you slow down?

Matt: 88! Hold on to something!

(time machine fizzling, beeping)

What?!

Oh, no!

Okay, something must be wrong with this thing.

Hold on. I'll fix it. I'll fix it.

Goddamn it.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay, okay.

Matt: So this... 2008, this is right.

Was it the time thing? What is...

Um, all right, I can figure this out.

- I can figure this out. - Goodbye, Matt.

Where are you going?!

Jay! You can't...

You can't go out there. It's too... too...

What's he doing? Bird, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- (honking RV horn) - Jay!

Bird, Bird!

- (honking RV horn) - You can't go out there.

(horns blaring)

What year is it?

Oh, (bleep).

Oh, (bleep)!

- Jay: Matt? - Matt: Yes?

- It's 2008. - I told you!

(tires screeching)

I'm gonna find a place to hide this RV.

(tires squealing)

(thudding)

Okay, I think we're safe here.

We're not safe.

Well, I just mean nobody's gonna notice us.

You know, you really (bleep) us up. This is--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - This is (bleep).

You were the one-- I did not do anything.

Huh?

You're the one who was driving the car.

And then, I'm instantly in a car accident.

I didn't see-- like a streetcar came out of nowhere.

It didn't come out of nowhere. It was just there in 2008.

And when we went through the flash...

- Yeah. - ...we appeared.

It's just like in Back to the Future one.

No, or Back to the Future Two.

It happens in Back to the Future Three as well.

(bleep). We gotta figure how to get back.

- Yes. - How do we even go back?

We must've gone through like a wormhole or something.

We are trapped in 2008. The question is

"How can we use this to get a show at The Rivoli?"

No, hold on. Like, that-- that's secondary now, okay?

First things first.

Okay, so we have travelled...

here, into 2008.

This is us now.

Goddamn it.

So, we're gonna go forwards back to 2025,

but this will be a new 2025 if we change anything here.

Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

It was an Ashton Kutcher movie.

Both: Butterfly Effect.

Anything we affect could have insane ramifications.

So our present can get changed?

Matt: We could come back to a future where

The Rivoli doesn't exist.

Or maybe another venue, like maybe somewhere in Ottawa.

Forget that! What if we come back and, all of a sudden,

you-- you're not a piano player anymore?

Maybe I'm a drummer and we're a ska band.

No Doubt before Gwen Stefani. Have you heard that music?

Look it up. Have you heard it?

- Let's keep thinking about-- - Let's focus on the plan.

You built a toy time machine.

- Uh-huh. - And then it worked...

- Somehow. - ...but now it's broken.

Maybe you need to just sort of look under the hood.

Wait.

Maybe something's just loose.

It is broken. I broke it last night.

I spilled the Orbitz on it.

Jay: Holy (bleep).

Matt: But it's back on.

Oh, my God.

- What? - This--

Oh, no! I ruined it!

Oh, I fucking ruined it!

That's too stupid, isn't it?

What? Tell-- Talk to me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Bird, this is gonna sound crazy.

What? What did it do?

The Orbitz! I spilt a bottle of Orbitz.

- Is there any left? - No. I'm out.

Um, but we just need to find a way

to get another bottle or something like that.

But that was your last bottle.

There wasn't even any left back now, in 2008.

They stopped making this in 1999.

I know, it was such a big deal when we found that whole--

That's right.

This is my last bottle in 2025,

but in 2008, we still have a whole case.

At the apartment. That's where we gotta go.

And that means, you guys, you can't be out here with--

waving your cameras around like that.

Because, look, they've got the futuristic video cameras.

- They're looking-- - Exactly, they're like--

Matt: Look at Luca. He looks like...

He looks like he's from The Matrix.

So this whole 2008 sequence, which would be very hard

to fake if this were not really 2008,

will not be filmed.

Oh, use the old camera?

Yeah, okay, in that case, you can.

Yeah, okay. You have to use this.

♪

Oh, my God.

Ah! Oh, wow.

Goths.

Jay: Wow.

Matt: Real goths.

Look at the gothness of it.

They're goths!

Wow.

Men forgot that's a great way

to score girls way out of your, uh...

Matt.

What?

That guy looks just like me. See the guy down there?

Matt: That guy looks like me.

He's got your hat.

Jay, it's us. That's us.

Holy (bleep).

Oh, look. They even have a little Jared.

Jared... there's you filming us.

Oh, my God. Look how young he looks.

Past Matt: Actually, no, here. Jay, put one right here.

- Where? - Put right here.

No, on this side with me. On this side with me.

- Okay. - Come to this side.

No, no, no, put one right against this thing.

- Okay. - On this side!

What the hell are we doing?

That's, uh, we're... we're... It's a plan.

This is one of my classic plans. Look.

Flyer plan! Oh, my God!

That's a good plan!

How did this not work? We should do this plan again.

Jay, I got a feeling

things are gonna work out okay for us.

Is that a cop? Are those police officers looking at us?

Let's go down this way. Let's just walk down this way.

Oh, shit! Hide, hide!

Do you think that guy looks like me?

That guy? Looks like me.

It's 'cause he's got that hat.

(laughing) Sick.

Guy looks like you.

Okay, okay, this is our chance.

- Come on. - Yeah, yeah.

- It's caught on my-- - That's my jacket.

- You put it inside out. - Come on, come on, come on.

Your hat!

Sorry, sorry.

- Uh, okay. - Okay, let's just go.

- Let's go! - Matt: Yeah, right.

Oh, God. Man, it's open.

Remember our old apartment?

- (laughing) - Okay, all right.

Jay: Okay, quick in and out.

Matt: Yeah, I think we left the Orbitz

on top of the oven, right?

Jay: Yeah, but we can't touch anything else.

Matt: Oh, right yeah, Butterfly Effect.

This is just like Aladdin.

Touch nothing but the Orbitz.

Jay: Go.

Okay. We gotta make it seem--

- They're right there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm getting the Orbitz, and then we're outta here.

- Okay. - Come on, come on.

It's empty.

Jay: Look. Look around. Look around for them.

- Come on. - Find 'em!

Where the fuck are they?

(grunting) Fuckin' loot the place!

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

(muffled talking, footsteps on stairs)

- Oh, (bleep)! - Oh, my God.

(muffled talking, footsteps approaching)

Jay: No, not Jared, not Jared.

Matt: Why not? Why not?

(group whispering)

Past Matt: Okay, we gotta rehearse, we gotta rehearse.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Past Jay: Think it's gonna work?

Past Matt: As far as I'm concerned,

we are playing The Rivoli tonight.

So, what were we doing before we left?

(playing piano)

Do I have a driver? No, I'm driving myself.

Past Jay: What do we cut to?

Past Matt: He's on his way there.

- Past Jay: Oh, okay, uh... - Actually, you know what?

Let's just cut right to the fight.

Past Jay: Okay. (playing piano)

You're on your last legs, Creamed Corn.

You should've thought twice before you crossed Can Opener.

For God's sakes.

My name is your arch nemesis--

You shoulda thought twice before you crossed me...

(muttering)

"Go to jail?" Did you say, "Go to jail"?

Jared: Could go to jail.

Oh, yeah, illegal time travel.

- "I hereby sentence you--" - Is that true?

That's what he's saying, jail for this.

- Jail? - Jail.

Ridiculous.

Past Matt: I have you now, Creamed Corn!

Let him come fuckin' find me.

Let him find me.

What I'm gonna do. I'll grab my young self.

(imitating thuds)

♪ Castlevania, Fatal Fury, Ninja JaJaMaru-kun ♪

♪ ActRaiser, Blazing Lazers, Bases Loaded, Mega Turrican ♪

♪ Cybernator, Rolling Thunder, Dynastic Hero ♪

♪ Bubble Bobble, Double Dribble ♪

- ♪ Double Dragon, F-Zero ♪ - Jay: I get it.

Past Matt: Creamed corn, you son of a bitch!

- (piano plays) - What? You didn't think

a super villain named Can Opener would be--

(snoring)

I think they're gone.

- Hey. - What?

Shh, shh. I think they're gone.

Let's go. Let's go. Perfect.

- Okay, okay. - Let's get out.

♪

(mouthing words)

Jay, I thought you were-- wanted to sleep.

Let's do-- Let's do a quick rehearsal.

Sure, I'll play something on the piano.

- Past Matt: Are you there? - Jay: Yeah.

- (piano sounding) - Matt: I'll go look upstairs.

(Jay playing piano)

(muffled piano)

(Jay playing piano)

I feel like we've played that before.

I feel like we played that before.

Do a... Just something new. Do something new.

(Jay playing piano)

♪

(muffled piano)

(laughing)

Matt.

(grunting)

Hey.

(muffled piano continues)

What are you doing?

Oh, this is...

I'm visiting you in your dream...

to bring you this idea for a song

to play with the band.

(Jay playing piano)

And this is-- and I'm a spirit.

And I'm a Dickensian spirit

to bring you the melody of this song.

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do- do-do-do ♪

Oh, you! (laughing)

(Jay repeating melody on piano)

Good night. (laughing)

Bye.

(exhaling sharply)

(snoring)

(Jay playing piano)

(snoring)

- (snoring softly) - Got it.

(Past Matt snoring)

(footsteps approaching)

Hey.

Hey... Bird.

I had a crazy dream.

I heard this... song.

♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪

And you were there, you were a spirit.

Des-- Descended spirit?

Right...

Hey, let's watch some TV.

Reporter: The H1N1 flu virus...

(sighing) H1N1.

Oh, yeah. It's, uh, swine flu.

Maybe they'll get a, uh... (laughing)

...a vaccine that they force us all to take for that.

Past Jay: Oh, I forgot to tell you about my grandma.

My mom's going to Montreal right now to visit her.

She might have to be put in a home.

Pretty...

It's pretty real stuff, you know?

Getting old is... Not looking forward to it.

Matt: You know, um, the truth is,

if you got a... best friend,

you won't even notice getting older.

(laughing)

♪

Do you like Russell Peters?

Matt: (sighing loudly) Okay, big question.

He was doing race comedy at the right...

Man, I mean, it's so...

Russell... Oh, dude, it's 2008?

I don't like him.

Matt: Yeah, I'm sayin' the same thing.

Okay, I, uh, I gotta go.

Past Jay: All right, well, you know,

I'm gonna take a shower or something and then...

Great.

I'll be ready in like half hour

and we can go over... whatever, or something.

Go over ever-- Go over what?

Past Jay: That's right. I don't know.

- Get rid of him. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, yes, yes, yes.

You want me to light off some fireworks?

Wonderful. Fire-- Perfect.

- Yep, good. - All right.

- Matt: Great. - That was stupid.

Goodbye, Jay.

Whew.

(both laughing)

- I was about to make-- - Let's go, let's go.

I was about to make a really big mistake today.

Matt: Sorry. You what?

I was about to make a really big mistake today.

- This morning... - Yes?

...I was trying to escape.

I was trying to escape. Leave. You.

The band. Everything.

(laughing)

I thought that I could go and become famous without you.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

- (laughing) - Are you mad?

(scoffs)

(mouthing words)

I'm embarrassed.

Why would I be?

No, I...

Why-- Why don't we--

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Wait. Are you saying-- So... (muttering)

Okay--

(chuckling) I'm kidding.

Okay.

Okay, okay, but the whole point though...

The whole point, the whole point--

Matt, wait-- wait. Hey, where are you going?

Where are you going? Matt, Matt.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Ah!

Matt, what are you doing?

We can't change anything.

Hey. You'll be better off, right?

We're gonna see who's gonna be better off.

Don't. Stop.

(Past Matt snoring softly)

♪

Okay... So...

(beeping)

July-- I'm setting the time machine!

- (beeping) - July 10th, 20--

Jay: Tenth? No, no, no. We went back on the 12th.

The 12th.

Matt: We're going back two days earlier.

So that I can do the skydive plan myself.

Fine.

♪

(zapping)

♪

Matt: Go!

(engine revving)

♪

(zapping)

(bleep)! Not again!

- (groaning) - (cheering distantly)

Oh. (grunting)

Oh, my God.

- (groaning) - (chattering on radio)

I hit my ass.

Oh, my God. I hit my ass.

(panting)

(laughing) I hit my ass.

Bird.

Radio announcer: This is Roz and Mocha...

(chattering on radio)

Jay?

Woman: You're listening to my boys, Roz and Mocha.

(grunting)

Jay?!

- (bike bell ringing) - Oh, sorry.

♪

- (bike bell ringing) - (gasping)

♪

Jay?

I'm home!

Okay.

It's all the same.

What the--

Very funny. Very funny.

Nice one, Jay!

(chuckling)

You gotta give him credit. That's a good bit.

So, now I'm the dr-- Now, I'm the drummer.

(playing drums)

Man: Matt?!

Jay?!

Man: We figured it out, buddy.

Woo! We got it. We got it. We got it.

We figured it out.

We've got the plan, okay? (clapping)

All right. So...

So, you know how we've had trouble

getting tickets to the show, right?

Turns out there is an additional traunch

of tickets being released exclusively

to Visa Avion Infinite Privilege

private banking card holders, okay?

Man #2: Top. Top of the top.

Now, there is one individual who we know

who has a Visa Avion Infinite Privilege

private banking card, and that is--

My aunt.

Ethan's aunt.

Michael and I arrive to her door,

we share with her that we, too, are Chinese.

- What? - Michael: Our whole lives.

Our whole lives.

Born-- Born in Chin-- Born in China.

His father's white, mother's Chinese.

First language Chinese.

Both of my parents are Chinese.

Okay, okay. So, let me-- let me-- let me get this--

Let me, uh, get this straight.

Man: Okay.

Jay McCarrol hired you guys.

You're improvisers and you're here to teach me a lesson--

You're already off.

- We're door-to-door salesmen. - No, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying the jig's up, guys.

Jay hired you to teach me a lesson about what it's like

to be on the receiving end of these insane plans.

Jay, I get it. I'm sorry that my plans are so ridiculous.

I see now that,

yeah, maybe I could be a little bit more, um...

What's the word? Why am I even telling this to you guys?

Okay, yes. (clapping)

Congratulations. Very good.

That was extremely well done.

The troika of Matt Johnson divided into three.

I love that I've got an Asian part of me.

Maybe that's my sensitivity. (chuckling)

So, um, I guess all that's left

is for me to kick your ass.

- What? - Dude. Matt.

- Matt: Who's first? - What's happening?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do I have this?

Ethan: Why do you have what?

Why do I have that?

- We all have them. - Dude...

Matt: How did--

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What is this plan for?

It's the Jay McCarrol concert. To get tickets.

You're trying to get tickets to a Jay McCarrol concert,

because Jay McCarrol is a famous musician.

Yeah.

And I am...

In a Jay McCarrol cover band.

♪

(panting)

Whoa! Sorry.

♪

Yeah.

He's on everything. Yeah.

Okay. Nice meeting you.

(man speaking indistinctly)

♪

You think you'd be famous without me?

You'd be famous right now.

You'd be famous right now. Right?

If it weren't for me.

TTC Voice: Next stop Chestnut Street.

Your life would have been better if you never met me?

I don't know. I don't know.

Well, there's a way to find out.

There's a way to find out.

- Easy. Don't-- - No, no, no.

We can't change anything.

Matt: Yeah, well, I know something we can change.

(shushing)

You'll wake him up. You'll wake him up.

(all shouting)

It worked, baby! Okay. We gotta go! We gotta go!

Michael: It was way more fun

than I thought it was going to be.

Ethan: Got your bag?

Michael: Yeah, yeah. Let's go, let's go.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.

May I have your attention, please?

It's time for the final countdown.

(audience cheering)

The show starts in...

- (dance music plays) - ten...

...nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four...

three, two, one. Go!

(audience cheering)

Jay: Hello, Toronto!

(audience cheering)

- (replaying melody) - (audience cheering)

(audience cheering)

♪ So sorry, I've missed you ♪

♪ Hair, always whipping round ♪

♪ So high up, got my chin up ♪

♪ I don't care if I never come... ♪

(chattering)

Man: He's not even breaking a sweat.

- (people chatting) - He's insane, man.

Think if I told him my username he'd remember me?

- Your what? Sorry? - From what?

- Oh, from the forums. - Yeah.

Man: Maybe.

Okay. Thank you. Okay.

I'll be-- I'll be-- I'll be right back.

Jay, hey, hey, hey. No. He's my friend.

This-- He's my-- He's my best friend.

He's my best friend. He's my best friend.

- Jay: Yeah, no. It's okay. - Jay, it's me.

This is crazy I found you. What the fuck is going on?

Look at this.

Okay, I think that we have to get back in the time machine

and figure out how to do this again,

or, like, some other version of this,

because there's gotta be a way that we can do this

where we're both, where it's, like--

where Nirvanna the Band gets this.

Guys, you have to meet my old friend, Matt.

What?

God. You look good.

It's been, like, what? 17 years.

Unbelievable.

You know, we actually used to have a band together.

To give you an idea, it was called...

- No. No, no. - ...Nirvanna the Band.

- Wait. - (laughing)

Woman: No way.

No, no, no. Bird, you gotta remember. Hold on.

Jay: Yeah, yeah. I remember.

No, no, no. I'm saying you-- No, but you gotta remember.

- You gotta remember. - Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, it's all good.

Look at me. Look at me. Bird, it's me.

It's me. Jay--

- I hope you've been well. - Jay. No, no, no.

You've gotta remember. Jay. You gotta! No, Jay!

Jay, Jay, Jay! You gotta remember!

Bird, Bird, Bird. You gotta remember!

It's me! It's me!

This isn't right! We're in the wrong timeline!

Bird! Jay!

You guys want a photo or something?

Matt: Jay!

(panting)

Excuse me, sorry. Sorry.

(car honking)

♪

Oh, no.

Jay!

(voice echoing)

("Never Come Down" playing)

- (crowd clamouring) - Jay: Thank you, sir.

Man #1: Jay, I love you.

Man #2: Looking clean, Jay.

♪ I don't care if I ever come down ♪

"Did Jay McCarrol...

"write 'Never Come Down'?"

I was in a bad living situation

and I was having a lot of nightmares.

This song came to me in a dream, it ended up being,

well, a genius hit song.

As you guys already know with this track,

it is an absolute classic,

and has sustained Jay McCarrol's career

for well over a decade now at this point.

I heard you're scared of clowns.

I'm not afraid of clowns.

But I heard that you were.

(both shouting)

I'm out here-- Uh-oh. Richard.

(laughing)

Jay McCarrol is in the building!

- (hosts applauding) - Hey, guys.

- Jay, welcome back to it. - How're you doing?

Mocha: It is so good to see you here today.

Wow. Yeah.

You're here, but you're not gonna be here for long,

because you are about to go and shake the world.

And what's sort of going through your head right now?

Have you prepped for this? Can you prep for this?

(smacking lips) Yes.

So, when you go through these moments,

whether it's with a song or a tour

or a show or an award or whatever it is,

we all still have somebody in our life

that we want to make proud, you know what I mean?

No matter how successful you get,

you still have that person you want to make proud.

Like, who's the first call you make

when you walk off the stage,

where you're like, "God, this, I gotta share this"?

Who's the call that you make?

I, uh--

Like a-- Like a friend. Who's your best friend?

(bleep) Not again! Ah!

♪ I don't care if I never come down ♪

♪

(bleep)

You good?

MJ?

Radio Host: Alright, you are listening to Jay McCarrol,

"Never Come Down."

And yes, you are listening to The Roz and Mocha Show.

Guess what? We are giving away two tickets

to tonight's show as part of Jay McCarrol's world tour.

Roz: All you gotta do is give us a call right now

and tell us what street in Toronto

does Jay McCarrol live on.

Mocha: 416-870-8888. That is the...

(women cheering, clapping)

Matt: (groaning) Oh, my God, I hit my ass.

Uh, hello?

I think I live here.

(gate squealing)

Man: I got him. I got him. I got him right here.

I got him out front. He's right here.

He's right out front at the front door.

What the hell, man? Where the fuck you been?

Yeah. Yeah, he's right-- Just everyone relax.

That's why I'm saying you have to just relax,

because of course he's gonna be here.

He's here. No, he's good. He's totally fine.

(crowd cheering)

♪

Okay, who's first? Who's first?

Okay.

Of course!

Oh, wow.

That is-- Wow. So fun.

Wow. Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

(bleep)

Jay, Jay, Jay! You gotta remember!

- You're gonna rip my shirt. - Bird, Bird, Bird!

You gotta remember! Jay, you got to remember me!

- This isn't right! - Okay. Got it.

(Matt shouting)

Um, I'm gonna just run to the bathroom.

(Matt shouting distantly)

♪

(smashing)

(bleep)

(bleep)

♪

Who's your best friend?

It's all good. It's all good. It's all good.

It's all good. It's all good.

- It's all good. - Jay McCarrol, uh,

we're proud of you, man. We followed this journey

right from the very beginning.

A Roz and Mocha fan favourite as well.

Good luck on the tour. "Never Come Down"

is the re-release. Uh, people are excited.

You're still wearing that hat?

What?

(laughing) He's gained weight.

Mocha: We appreciate you. We're proud of you.

We love you. Thank you so much for visiting us.

You'll have to forgive my friend. He's a bit, uh...

...mentally ill.

Mocha: Thank you so much for visiting us once again

and making time for us even at the status

that you're at right now!

He's a bit fat. He's a bit buff.

He's my old friend, Matt. And we're--

And we're really happy to see him.

(laughing)

I really hope that your life turned out the way you wanted.

Can we talk privately for just two minutes?

No.

Mocha: Thank you for always making time for us

on The Roz and Mocha Show.

About to embark on the biggest tour of his life,

Jay McCarrol, everybody.

- Man: Mr. McCarrol. - Jay: Yeah?

I got you in number three here.

Jay: 'Kay.

So, we got you equipped with in-motion satellite,

full leather interior, on-demand hot water,

memory foam mattress.

We got three TVs in here for ya.

Ceramic tile floor.

You even got your own code and doorbell.

- Like, this is way back. - Woman: Yeah.

We were opening for Peter Bjorn and John.

- Man: Hey, boss man. - How you doing?

And Drew Barrymore-- Yeah. Hey.

Drew Barrymore was there with--

- Man: With Fab. - Woman: Oh, my God.

- Man: They were together. - Woman: That's crazy.

Man: Was it-- Or was it Justin Long?

Bearded man: No, no, no. No, no. It was Fab,

'cause I remember seeing her.

That moment, like, that is covered.

- Man: Fab's in there? - Yeah.

And then Luke Lalonde and Mitch Derosier come.

Woman: From-- They were there?

- Man: Not quite. - I get this room!

Man: Yeah.

- I mean, I really loved-- - Yeah. He produced it.

(group chattering)

(sighing)

...really trying to wedge his way in

to be in The Rapture,

and they were like, "Yeah, man. No, no, no."

- Like a bit of a-- - Yes.

Woman: Mm-hm. I heard that.

Man: Yes. Kind of a Jay situation

where they're like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

And they're like-- But-- And then he does go off

and perform and do his own thing.

(chattering)

- Yes, yeah, and in the-- - He's in that, too?

- (clapping) - I had never 100 percent...

Jay: What's up?

We're going on tour!

You guys wanna hook up the N64? Big screen?

Um...

I don't know if it has the, uh...

Like, I don't know if it has that hookup.

Do we have a N64?

I'm sure we got a 64 hooked up.

I think if-- if you brought one I would play, sure.

I'm bugging you guys.

Woman: No.

I was just going to say about the, uh, the--

towards the last part of the book,

James Murphy, yeah. Like, when listening--

(conversation continues indistinctly)

(conversation continues indistinctly)

No problem. What's that?

Bird's favourite game.

Let's have a little fun.

(clicking)

(conversation continues indistinctly)

Man: Yeah, but, like,

so many of these stories start with, like--

You could say this for, like, Strokes or Interpol.

It's like, at the boarding school in Paris--

You guys didn't tell me we had a gun.

- (gun fires) - (screaming)

Woman: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Fuck!

Help!

(sirens blaring)

Breaking news out of Toronto.

A shooting has occurred outside the home of Canadian rock star

Jay McCarrol, the incident occurring

on the eve of Jay's world tour.

Courtney Heels on the scene. What more can you tell us?

Good morning, Marcie. I can tell you there is

a pretty heavy police presence along this road.

This is Park Lane Circle.

It's the street that Jay lives on.

This is as close to the scene as we can get.

And as you reported,

there is a source confirming a man, an adult,

was rushed to hospital with serious injuries,

and they were still looking

for a suspect seen leaving the area.

Marcie: Let's take you live now to the Bridle Path area,

where police are updating their investigation

just outside Jay's home. Let's listen in live.

...to be here today.

I know there's a lot of interest in this incident.

You can expect to see an increased presence

in this neighbourhood for the next little while,

but it's no different than any other shooting

or firearm discharge.

We'll have officers here looking for witnesses

to come forward, as well as be canvassing for video.

Police were called to a shooting...

(panting)

(helicopter whirring)

(siren wailing distantly)

I just need to go back

to when we first wrote on the whiteboard and...

...then I can undo all this.

So, how...

How do we get back?

(chuckling)

I'm trapped in some kind of hell.

Maybe it's a dream. Possible, right?

Which, Jared, are you? Who are you?

You came in with me, right? I can trust you.

But then what the-- who are you? Right?

Yeah, but this is--

but you didn't come in the time machine with me.

So you might be working for them,

working for this other band, working for these guys.

See, if Jay were here, he'd be sitting there playing

the piano, and we would solve this!

We would come up with this.

- (knocking) - Aah!

I'll get it.

(wind gusting)

Hi. Matt.

I, uh-- I just wanted to come and apologize.

Um, you know what? My security went nuts,

and I felt bad about the way that felt in the room.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry.

Okay.

(chuckles)

Thanks.

Oh! Also, uh...

you said something that night about a time machine.

♪

Oh, this is great! Okay.

(siren sounding in distance)

- Jay? - (siren in distance)

Oh, you're looking at the-- Yeah, this is the house.

May be a bit more modest than you're used to.

Can we go?

Uh, right. So, my time machine

works off of a very specific fuel.

Yeah.

Do you know what Orbitz are? It's a--

Yep. I know what they are.

Still, man, I got so much to tell you, but...

- Uh-huh. - (siren in distance)

Okay, so, I built a time machine!

Yes.

And I thought, wouldn't it be fun...

- Yeah? - just for the fun of it...

Just for the fun, yeah.

...we go in it and we go back--

Pick a date.

Oh, 2008.

Okay. And if you wanted to, like, you could go...

- You can go anywhere. - ...two days ago.

Two days ago? Why would you-- What do you mean? Why go back?

I spilled some wine on my pants.

You're saying, uh, hypothetically?

- Hypothetically. - Two day-- No problem.

Why would you go back two--

- I don't understand. - Okay.

Talking about a time machine. We could go visit 2008, Obama.

- Obamna! - Yes.

The only problem is, I don't have fuel.

There's no, uh, fuel.

(stammering) Well-- And why Orbitz?

Let's get a little, uh, beat going.

(playing steady beat)

What makes Orbitz powerful?

What's the magic in Orbitz? What's the-- what's the--

what's the special soul of an Orbitz?

- (beat stopping) - Jay: I don't know.

- The ingredients. - Oh!

- (playing steady beat) - Maybe there's an ingredient

inside the Orbitz that we can use. This is--

Sugar? Cane sugar?

Both: Gelatin.

This is sounding very, uh, like, safe,

non-swearing rap from the '80s.

- Yeah. - And I'm up there with a mic,

teaching people the alphabet.

♪ You got your A, your B ♪

- ♪ Your C ♪ - (playing hip hop beat)

♪ Your D, E, F ♪

♪ And don't forget G ♪

And that's a huge, fat Black guy.

Bill Cosby's walking around.

(as Cosby) ♪ If you wanna learn the alphabet ♪

♪ Here's what you get ♪

♪ You get A, B, C ♪

(normal voice) Okay, and-- and the secret message

of so many of those things was--

Okay, so, what are-- What's-- what's in the Orbitz?

Uh... we know there's an ingredient in Orbitz,

and it's not a normal ingredient.

The-- The bottle is smashed.

There's a list of ingredients on it.

- Oh, yes, smashed the bottle. - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm trying to picture. Like, I remember I was here,

and I had the bottle, I picked it up,

I looked at the back...

I'm seeing right now, you know what the slogan of this is?

What?

"A bolt of lightning in every bottle."

It's a pile of (bleep) in every bottle.

Those drinks suck!

"A bolt of lightning in"-- No, what does it say?

- A what? What? - That's just the tagline

that it says on it. "A bolt of lightning in every bottle."

"A bolt of lightning in every bottle. A bolt..."

No, no, that's just-- that's just like, marketing, though.

- Yeah, but what if it's not? - But it can't be

in a liquid bottle.

How do we know? Two days ago, time travel wasn't real!

Then I pour a juice on it, and it works!

We at least try it!

We just need to find a way to get lightning

to strike the time machine.

If only we knew when lightning was gonna hit the...

Do you know what time it is?

(thunder crashing)

I know when lightning's gonna hit the CN Tower!

Oh, right!

What do you mean, "Oh, right?" What are you talking about,

"Oh, right?" How would you know?

That was a different version of you.

This hadn't even happened yet.

I mean, oh, great.

Did you say, "Oh, great" or "Oh, right"?

- I said, "Oh, great." - Or did you say,

"Great Scott!"? Is that what you said?

- Yes. - (as Doc Brown) Great Scott!

This is really all coming together.

- Right. - This is just like

Back to the Future. This is insane.

There would be all the... (imitating theme)

No, no. You can't do that. That's very copywritten.

Well, if you could just go... (imitating theme)

(both imitating theme)

This is going to be a copyright nightmare.

Like, if you're watching this in theaters,

thank your lucky stars because

this is gonna be the only screening of this ever.

- (drumroll) - (as Doc) 10,000 gigawatts!

- (drum sounding) - Dr. Emmett Brown!

- (drum sounding) - Come on!

(Back to the Future theme playing)

(tense music playing)

(people chattering)

(someone shouting)

Look, there's Spider-Man.

(people chattering)

(car horns honking)

Whoa, this is tripping me out.

Okay, so, I gotta-- I'm gonna run around there.

You wait, and I'll chuck the rope down.

Holy shit, this is crazy.

I remember you.

Oh, right, we never met before.

Yeah, okay, sorry. (chuckling nervously)

Yeah, right, right, right, never mind.

Okay, okay. I'll see you soon.

♪

How you doing?

Hi, no. Sorry. I don't--

I'm not actually him. I just look like him.

(grunting)

Jared, are you fucking dying?

Jared: Yeah. (panting)

- (walkie-talkie beeps) - Are you there?

Matt: Yep. I'm still climbing, Bird.

- (walkie-talkie beeps) - You're still climbing?

- Matt: Yes. - (walkie-talkie beeps)

Still?

(straining)

(exhaling sharply)

(straining)

(wind howling)

Oh, my God.

(wind howling)

(straining)

Holy fuck!

(walkie-talkie beeps)

Jay, we made it to the top!

You've got to clear the way. Otherwise,

the rope is going to demolish whoever it hits.

(chuckling nervously) How you doing?

Good.

Uh, yeah, my friend is just up there.

Yes.

Come on.

(wind howling)

Sorry. You guys might just want to move out of the way.

- (walkie-talkie beeps) - Yeah, drop it whenever!

(grunting)

Whoa.

- (thudding) - (people gasping)

Jay: Whew. Huh.

- (walkie-talkie beeps) - Okay, I got it!

(chuckling)

Where's the knot?

Got it.

- (walkie-talkie beeps) - Okay, Matt.

It's all hooked up! You can pull it up now!

♪

- (walkie-talkie beeps) - All right, there she goes!

(Jay chuckling)

It's not exactly inconspicuous.

♪

Uh, it's-- it's just-- um...

Well... this is actually kind of hard to explain.

(chuckling nervously) Um...

You see, my friend's part of, uh,

a chef, uh, situation or something.

(clicking)

I got a chef excuse going, but it's not gonna last.

Okay.

Okay, we're coming down!

(Chicago's "Old Days" playing)

♪ Old days ♪

♪ Good times I remember ♪

♪ Fun days ♪

♪ Filled with simple pleasure ♪

♪ Drive-in movies ♪

♪ Comic books and blue jeans ♪

♪ Howdy Doody ♪

♪ Baseball cards and birthdays ♪

♪ Take me back ♪

♪ To the world gone away ♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Seem like yesterday ♪

♪

(clanging)

Jay: Here.

Well, I don't know-- I don't...

Just get it open!

(chuckling nervously) Uh...

Oh, yes! Okay.

- It's like flying a kite. - So, plug that in. Whoo!

Jay: Do we have to, like, hot-wire this or something?

Matt: No, no, you just plug it in, like that.

Just plug it into the thing.

- (car horn honking) - (chuckles) Jam it in.

(grunting)

- (chiming) - Jay: Come on.

- (chiming) - Yes!

Yeah! (laughing)

Ooh, careful.

- Sort of close this. - We just...

- Yeah, that's good. Right? - Yeah.

Excuse me. Are you going to be here for a while?

Would you do me a favour and make sure nobody

comes up to this while we're gone and unplugs it

or anything like that?

Like, uh...

Lightning hits at 9:03. Like, maybe 30 minutes.

Thank you. Okay.

- Okay, let's go. - Great. Okay.

♪

Thirteen minutes.

How does this thing work? Like, how do you set it?

You type in the date. You want to see how it works?

- Yeah, show me. - You type in-- Watch.

Okay, so, look. Month, day, year, time.

So, the month is, yeah,

we'll say... September.

So, nine, and the day.

Ah, let's say September 26th. Why not?

And then randomly 2008.

And then we'll say 10 in the morning,

just so that I've got lots of time.

There. See? 2008. It's gonna be like the end

of Back to the Future, but without any of the drama.

- (alarm sounding) - Oh!

8:50, okay, it's go time!

Okay! (grunting)

(grunting)

(straining)

(grunting)

Okay.

(grunting)

How you guys doing?

It's, uh-- it's to catch the streetcar electricity.

Well, it's a one-time-only thing.

(metal creaking)

Oh, God!

♪

(horns honking)

You guys know what I'm doing, right?

(time machine chiming)

What the hell?

I'm like Teen Wolf a little bit, right?

Jay: Matt!

We got a problem.

What?

(horns honking)

What-- What is it?

Jay: Look! It got disconnected from the top of the tower!

Oh, Matt, you didn't hook it up right!

(horns honking)

(Matt grunting)

Uh-- uh--

Okay, I'll be right back.

I think-- Hey, where you going?

Matt, where you going?

Matt!

Matt! Matt!

(bleep) Uh, (bleep).

♪

What?

No. No, no, no, no, it's good.

(news fanfare plays)

Anchor: Tonight, we dive into the story that has captivated

the city of Toronto over the last 24 hours.

A shooting occurred in the tour bus

parked outside of the home

of Canadian rock star Jay McCarrol.

In the first major update of this case,

police are now reporting the shooter

is none other than Jay McCarrol himself.

Reporter: That's right, Marci. He was last spotted

leaving the area just outside of his mansion.

His current whereabouts are unknown,

but police believe he may still be in the city.

Police are urging the public to report

any sightings of the rock star

while also cautioning them to keep their distance,

as he considered to be armed and dangerous.

The motive of the shooting is still unclear,

but witnesses report strange behaviour from Jay

starting when he entered his tour bus that day.

- Oh. - (siren wailing)

(news fanfare playing)

Marci: We have breaking news out of downtown Toronto.

A man has been spotted on the tip of the CN Tower.

CP24's news chopper is on the scene

with a live look at the action.

Brad, tell us what you're seeing.

What exactly is this man doing?

Brad: ...exactly what this man...

♪

Oh! Okay.

I got it!

Brad: It looks like an extension cord

stretching all the way from the top of the tower

down to street level.

♪

Okay! (laughing)

(chopper whirring)

(chiming)

Matt, you did it!

It's all green!

Okay, good, I'm coming down!

(downscale chiming)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What'd you do?

Matt: I just plugged it in! What do you mean?

No, it's red now! It's red on the street.

Matt: On the street?

♪

You (bleep) moron, you ripped the cable out!

Oh, no!

Oh...

Matt, we are (bleep)!

Matt: I'm sorry!

Jay, I'm sorry!

Jay: I have something figured out.

That I fell for another one of your stupid plans!

No!

Oh, Matt!

Oh, God!

Oh! Yeah!

(laughing)

Oh, my God!

Yeah!

Yeah! (laughing)

♪

(tires screeching, horns honking)

(slamming door)

(starting RV)

(tires screeching)

♪

(thudding on roof)

TTC Voice: Next stop King Street West.

(door chiming)

(thudding)

♪

- (door chiming) - Man: Holy shit.

- (thudding) - (Matt grunting)

Excuse me! Sorry!

(horns honking)

(tires screeching, horn honking)

Okay.

♪

(siren wailing)

Oh, (bleep).

- (siren wailing) - Oh, (bleep)!

(bleep)

♪

(grunting) Oh...

- (grunting) - (horns honking)

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

(horns honking)

Oh! What the fuck?

(Matt grunting)

(fabric tearing)

(straining)

Oh, my God!

How do I do this?

(siren wailing)

♪

- Oh! - (sirens wailing)

Matt, what's going on, buddy?

(sirens wailing)

(straining)

You wanna-- Do you wanna help me?

Matt: I said-- Oh, you not from Toronto?

Welcome to Toronto. How you doing?

That's the CN Tower up there.

Uh, so, I'm trying to get my cable plugged in here,

but I can't, uh... Do you wanna hold

my walkie-talkie for me for a second?

Come on! You motherfucker.

Jay: Matt, what's going on with that cable?

Jesus... Can you press the return key?

Bird, we have a problem, but I'm gonna fix it.

(chuckling) This is funny to you?

'Cause, like, my whole life is riding on this.

(both laughing)

(sirens wailing)

♪

Pull over!

Oh, (bleep)!

- Pull over now! - Jay: No!

Officer: Pull over your vehicle--

No!

(grunting)

♪

- Hypothetically... - Right.

If I wanted to go back...

two days...?

Two days ago? Why would you go--

What do you mean? Why would you go back?

I spilled some wine on my pants.

Or maybe I...

killed someone.

(siren wailing)

(wind gusting)

(siren wailing)

- (walkie-talkie beeps) - Jay: Hey, Matt.

Uh, everything's going good back here.

You haven't missed much. (chuckling)

I'm still at the spot, just waiting for you.

- (siren wailing) - Uh, just wondering

the ETA on that cable connection.

Uh, just plug it in, and then you come back here,

and I'll be waiting here for you.

Matt: Oh, it would be like in a movie,

like, where the electricity goes right through my body.

- Yeah. - And I turn into a skeleton.

(wind blowing)

♪

(siren wailing)

(chiming)

(siren wailing)

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

(engine roaring)

(sirens wailing)

♪

(engine roaring)

♪

♪

(alarm ringing)

(lightning crashing)

(sirens sounding)

(electricity zapping)

(sirens wailing)

(electricity zapping)

(piano playing pensive song)

♪

- Matt: Jay! - (piano stops)

I figured it out!

Okay, so...

This plan is called

the Seventh Inning...

...Skydive.

So, step one: we skydive...

into the... SkyDome.

We, during a game,

go up the CN Tower...

(making beeping sounds)

Matt?

You know, maybe we should go early,

just in case the weather gets bad and they shut the dome?

The wea... Oh. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah, we don't wanna get caught on the roof of the...

Yeah, okay, sure, so, we'll go early.

Uh, right, go early.

Okay. So, here's the plan.

("Waters of March" playing)

♪ A stick, a stone ♪

♪ It's the end of the road ♪

♪ It's feeling alone ♪

♪ It's the weight of your load ♪

♪ It's a sliver of glass ♪

♪ It's life, it's the sun, it's night ♪

♪ It's death, it's a knife, it's a gun ♪

♪ A flower that blooms ♪

♪ A fox in the brush ♪

♪ A knot in the wood ♪

♪ The song of a thrush ♪

♪ The mystery of life ♪

♪ The steps in the hall ♪

♪ The sound of the wind ♪

♪ And the waterfall ♪

♪ It's the moon floating free ♪

♪ It's the curve of the slope ♪

♪ It's an ant, it's a bee ♪

♪ It's a reason for hope ♪

♪ And the riverbank sings ♪

♪ Of the waters of March ♪

♪ It's the promise of spring ♪

♪ It's the joy in your heart ♪

♪

(singing in Portuguese)

♪

♪

♪ A spear, a spike ♪

♪ A stake, a nail ♪

♪ It's a drip, it's a drop ♪

♪ It's the end of the tale ♪

♪ The dew on the leaf in the morning light ♪

♪ The shot of a gun in the dead of the night ♪

♪ A mile, a must ♪

♪ A thrust, a bump ♪

♪ It's the will to survive ♪

♪ It's a jolt, it's a jump ♪

♪ A blueprint of a house ♪

♪ A body in bed ♪

♪ A car stuck in the mud ♪

♪ It's the mud, it's the mud ♪

♪ A fish, a flash ♪

♪ A wish, a wing ♪

♪ It's a hawk, it's a dove ♪

♪ It's the promise of spring ♪

♪ And the riverbank sings of the waters of March ♪

♪ It's the end of despair ♪

♪ It's the joy in your heart ♪

♪

(singing in Portuguese)

♪

♪ A stick, a stone ♪

♪ It's the end of the road ♪

♪ The stump of a tree ♪

♪ It's a frog, it's a toad ♪

♪ A sigh of breath ♪

♪ A walk, a run ♪

♪ A life, a death ♪

♪ The rain, the sun ♪

♪ And the riverbank sings ♪

♪ Of the waters of March ♪

♪ It's the promise of life ♪

♪ It's the joy in your heart ♪

(singing in Portuguese)

♪

(song fading out)

(orchestral score plays)

(orchestra fading, piano playing)

♪

(piano stops)

(quiet footsteps)

(door closes)

(suspenseful music)

(music intensifies)

(music stops)