Original subtitles

Hi. Hi.

Hi, can I sit here? Great.

Where were you?

It's so hot in here.

Please be seated.

Richard, on the other side, two rows back, next to the hat.

Where?

Don't look in an obvious way, okay?

Friend of Karen and Tom will now read from the letter to the Corinthians.

It's Mark Forman.

He writes a column in Washington.

Oh. Is he single?

He's famous for it.

Very single.

Shh.

"Love is long-suffering and kind.

"Love does not envy.

"Love does not make a vain display of itself

"and does not boast,

"does not behave itself unseemly.

"Bears all things, believes all things,

"hopes all things, endures all things."

"Love never fails."

"And now abide faith, hope, love,"

"these three."

"But the greatest of these is love."

Two white wines, please.

Thank you.

I'm Mark Forman.

Rachel Samstat.

I saw you on Meet the Press.

I read your article about ice cream, and I have to tell you,

I disagree with you about Haagen-Dazs Rum Raisin.

What can I say?

You were so vicious about it.

I'm a vicious person.

That's what I hear.

Next time you have one of those food contests

down at the magazine, uh,

I'd like to be a judge.

Really would.

I'll come up from Washington for it.

Meanwhile, um...

How would you like to go someplace and have a drink?

I have to go tell someone that I'm leaving.

You're here with a date?

No, my friend. An editor.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Here.

I'm gonna go have a drink with him.

Fine.

My wife's name was Kimberley.

One of the very first Kimberleys.

Mmm-hmm.

My husband had hamsters.

Me, too.

Not as a grown-up you didn't.

He had hamsters named Arnold and Shirley.

And he was always whipping up little salads for them in the Slice-O-Matic.

And...

And buying them extremely small sweaters

at a pet boutique in Rego Park.

Also, there was a certain amount of...

Talking in squeaky voices.

Both of you?

Well, he was Arnold...

And I was Shirley.

My sister always used to try to get me to have one.

A nose job.

I love your nose.

Well, it goes with my face.

I always say that, but it isn't true.

What of her soul?

You say you love her.

You can remember her love for you.

What happened so far?

She was decapitated in a dreadful automobile accident,

but fortunately, that was the exact problem

that her boyfriend was working on, back at the laboratory.

Oh. My eyes are deceiving me.

So he carried the head back in a towel he had in the car.

And she wakes up on a tray and says,

"Where am I?"

"Oh, no. Don't tell me."

"I've been in an awful accident"

"and lost my arms and legs."

And he says,

"Worse than that, I'm afraid."

Sleep, my darling.

Fine.

Mmm.

This looks great. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

So you just go in the kitchen at 4:00 in the morning and...

Uh, sure. And come back out with this.

I've had successful transplants.

Now I can do it for her.

This is the best spaghetti carbonara I've ever had.

What?

You're making fun of me.

You probably think it's very bourgeois

to cook for somebody on the first date.

You probably think I do this for everybody.

Rachel, I love this.

When we're married, I want this once a week.

Oh!

I'm never getting married again.

I don't believe in marriage.

Neither do I.

Does your sister behave like this at all her weddings?

She's never done this before.

No? Let me go see.

Thank you.

Get her already.

I will, Daddy.

Rachel, everybody's waiting.

I don't know what to tell them.

I don't know, Eleanor, I don't know.

Mom and Dad were a disaster. Charlie and I were a disaster.

Everybody, except for you two.

How long have you and Harvey been married?

Twelve years. And it's a wonderful marriage, isn't it?

It's okay.

The secret is wax paper.

Wax paper?

If you butter the wax paper on both sides,

then add the chicken,

just as you would in a normal casserole.

Fileted, of course. Fileted, of course.

And not a trace of skin.

Oh, no, never. Never.

50% of all marriages end in divorce.

Not second marriages.

40% of all second marriages

end in divorce.

You can't even get a decent bagel

in Washington, D.C.

I'll send them to you Federal Express.

Oh, thank you.

Julie and Arthur Siegel. We met in Washington.

Mark's oldest friends.

I hope we're not disturbing you.

No. No. Come in.

Rachel,

we don't know you very well, but we know Mark.

Twenty years.

For 20 years, he's been terrible to women.

Lying, cheating.

Bringing them to our house for lunch

and then just leaving them there, vanishing.

Until you.

You're the only person he's ever treated decently.

Your mother would have loved him.

Yeah, but she was crazy.

That's true.

Add four cups of heavy cream.

Mmm-hmm.

And begin boiling... Cream and shallots.

Cream and shallots. So simple, so far.

And it is done in approximately in 20 minutes.

You want me to marry him, don't you?

I don't want you to do anything.

That is such a lie!

All you therapists ever want is for us

to get married and have babies.

It's the closest you ever get to a cure.

I'm just trying to understand

why you don't want to marry somebody you love.

Because it doesn't work.

Marriage doesn't work.

You know what works? Divorce.

Divorce is only a temporary solution.

Let's be sensible. We're happy now.

If we get married, we'll ruin everything.

The minute you get married, you start to drive each other crazy.

It will never happen with us.

Why not?

Because you already drive me crazy.

I love you.

I have to trust you.

Do you know where your shoes are?

Hmm?

Do you know?

I do.

I know everything about you.

And that's just the beginning.

Made it, huh?

We are here today to celebrate the marriage

of Rachel and Mark,

and their commitment to a life together.

Do you, Mark, have this woman to be your wife,

to love her, honor her, cherish her

in joy and in sorrow,

for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Rachel, have this man to be your husband,

to love him, honor him, cherish him

in joy and in sorrow,

for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

I, Mark Louis Forman,

take you, Rachel Louise Samstat,

to be my wife.

To have and to hold,

to love and to cherish,

from this day forward, until death

part... Would part us.

With this ring, I wed thee.

I, Rachel Louise Samstat,

take you, Mark Louis Forman, to be my husband.

To love and to cherish,

to have and to hold,

from this day forward,

until death shall part us.

With this ring, I thee wed.

As Mark and Rachel have decided to marry

and have promised to be loving and faithful to each other,

through all the circumstances life may bring,

and have exchanged rings as a token of that pledge,

I declare that they are husband and wife.

I love you.

Gorgeous little trees...

Oh, this white one?

Yes. No, no, no!

Which one? The, um... The other one.

Oh, the sold one.

Now...

Needs a little work, okay?

Yeah.

Oh, well, we got a good price on it,

because they had a sort of a fire.

Thank you.

Oh.

Mmm? Oh.

And, uh...

This...

Is, uh, why we bought the place.

It's the, um... It's the original fireplace.

What do you think?

Yeah, you have to use your imagination.

It's going to be beautiful.

Not necessarily in your lifetime.

Uh!

It's just...

There's no door to the kitchen.

The backdoor.

Ah, the backdoor.

Yes.

It's true.

You can get into the kitchen

through the back door.

This, we know, is a kitchen.

But you can't get inside the house from in the kitchen!

Now, how the fuck did this happen?

Mark, for God's sake.

Laszlo, we thought that you could put a door here.

She's a piece of cake.

He's a piece of cake.

It's... It's a piece of cake.

You are Hungarian?

No, you are Hungarian.

Yes! Yes.

Hungarians don't have pronouns.

Apparently they don't have fucking doors either.

She is very angry at me.

He is very angry at you, yes.

Why aren't you very angry?

It's only a door, honey!

It will be extra, yes?

Why don't we just hire another contractor?

Forget about the money and just hire someone else?

That's just what I was thinking.

In China, they have to eat this shit every day.

Nobody's making you eat it.

They're serving dinner at this stupid party.

What are you so upset about?

There's just dust everywhere! Look at it.

There's dust in my pores.

It's not funny.

Yes, it is.

I told you in the first place that you shouldn't hire him.

I mean, it's not my fault.

Obviously he's never going to come back and finish.

I've been trying all week to find someone new.

It's not that easy. You try it.

Good evening. Good evening.

I can't read every day.

I'm awfully pleased to hear you say that.

He's just so modest.

Yes, he is. Oh, I'm not modest.

I think sometimes people...

And he does not believe they will get the bill through committee.

M-3.

What's M-3? It sounds like a missile for crying out loud.

We're trying to determine

what policy we should take

in the situation we're in.

I'm not denying that. I'm not denying that.

It was such fun, May.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. It was wonderful. Good night.

Can't believe they just talked over me as if I wasn't even there.

Blah, blah, blah, investment tax credits.

Blah, blah, blah, the oil depletion allowance.

Blah, blah, blah... Maybe if you read something

other than the style section, you might find some of it interesting.

I'm gonna call Laszlo when we get home.

I'm just gonna try him one more.

All you'll get's the machine.

Yes, Laszlo, it's Rachel. Rachel Samstat.

Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

Well, I'm fine, thank you.

Don't be so fucking nice.

Where the fuck have you been?

My God!

Well, I'm real... I'm sorry.

Yes, of course I understand.

Oh, God. Well, I...

I hope you feel better.

Yeah, well, don't... You know, only if you're up to it.

Don't push things. No.

Whenever you can.

Bye.

What the fuck was that?

He has cancer.

Bullshit! Mark!

It's bullshit.

People don't lie about things like that.

Contractors do. They lie about everything.

What did he say? I have cancer?

Exactly. Well, he probably meant

that he has cancer.

Who?

How do I know? Someone, I don't know. His father.

His father's dead.

We'll go over to his house.

Have a look at him.

If he looks okay, I'll kill him.

He has an unlisted address.

What are you talking about?

Oh, well, it's the latest thing.

What kind of person has an unlisted address?

I'll tell you what kind of person.

The kind that doesn't want to be dead.

The kind that people are trying to kill all the time.

Why are you angry at me for?

I'm not angry at you!

Well, then, what are you shouting at me for?

'Cause you're the only one that's here.

I hate it when you get angry.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm not angry at you.

I love you.

I'm not angry at you.

We can't have a baby in this.

It'll have asthma before it's a month old.

Well, we'll just have to wait till we finish the house to have a baby.

If this is your way of telling me

that we've got less than nine months to finish this renovation,

it's a really weird way of doing it.

Well, we...

We're having a baby. I think.

I think we're having a baby.

We're having a baby.

Yeah.

Ooh, baby!

Aw!

Thank you.

Let's, uh...

Let's sing...

All the songs we know about babies.

I don't know any songs about babies.

Yes, sir.

That's my baby My baby.

No, sir No, sir

I don't mean maybe I don't mean maybe.

Yes, sir Yes, sir.

That's my.

Baby now.

Oh, baby, you...

Nobody but you.

I don't know the rest.

Is you is or is you ain't.

My baby?

I have, uh... What?

Hmm?

I really can't stay.

But, baby, it's cold outside

I really have to go.

But, baby, it's cold outside.

This evening has been.

So happy.

So...

Look out the window at the storm.

Bill!

My boy Bill

I will see that he's named after me

I will.

My boy Bill.

Will be tall and as tough as a tree.

Will Bill.

Like a tree he'll grow.

With his head held high.

And his feet planted firm on the ground.

And you won't see nobody.

Dare to try.

To toss him or boss him around.

No...

Baggy-eyed, beer-bellied bully.

Will boss him around.

I don't give a damn what he does.

As long as he does what he likes.

He can sit on his tail And hammer a nail.

With a hammer A hammer and spikes...

On the river. Do something on the river.

And we're...

With a hammer a hammer and spikes.

Wait a minute!

What if "he" is a girl?

She's gotta be sheltered and fed.

And dressed In the best.

That money can buy

I never knew.

How to make money.

But I'll try.

By God, I'll try.

I'll go out.

And make it.

Or steal it.

Or take it.

Or I'll.

Die.

Die.

Get that! A baby!

She's going to have a baby!

A girl baby.

No kissing. No kissing in group.

What are you going to call it?

Her. It's a her.

I'm sorry. Her, okay?

What goes with Forman?

Oh, no last names in group.

We're thinking of Ann.

Ann? Just Ann?

What's wrong with Ann?

I like Ann.

Where did you get the ring?

What? This? Oh.

Mark gave me this when I got pregnant.

Oh, my God!

I thought you said you weren't going to have a baby.

Yeah, I changed my mind.

Vera's happy,

even if you're not, Diana.

I'm happy.

Really, I am.

I am!

- Veronica Lake. - Hmm...

Janet Leigh.

Oh, Arthur, don't you think Janet Leigh's a little...

Don't pay any attention to them, Julie.

Honey, you didn't start yet, did you?

No, I waited for you.

All right? All right?

This is for the hall. Yeah.

And this is for the nursery.

- What do you think? - Oh, I love this.

What do you call this color?

Taupe.

You think we'll get tired of it?

Taupe? Never.

Taupe.

What can I tell you? I've always been terrible with colors.

It comes from having grown up with the single row box of crayons

instead of the big box.

If I had had the big box, I would now know taupe and cerise

and ecru. Aw, I love it.

Instead, all I know is burnt sienna.

I think there's a column in this.

Oh, God! God damn it. Forman?

Every time I say something, it ends up in your column.

You can have it if you want it. It's mine.

I said it. I'm the one who gets to say you can have it, if you want it, not you.

Well, do you want it or not? Yes.

What are you gonna do with it? Write it up in some law review?

He doesn't have to do anything with it.

- Hi. - Hi, Betty.

Hey, hey.

Hi. Hey!

Where did you find arugula in Washington, Betty?

Hi, Mark. How are you? I only drove 15 miles for it.

Hey! How are you doing? Oh, God. Wonderful.

I'll tell you who.

Rita Hayworth.

Peerless Rita. Oh.

Ava Gardner.

Anne Blyth.

Anne Blyth?

What can I tell ya? I've always had a thing for Anne Blyth.

We give up.

Senator Toffler and Vickie Huddleston.

No kidding! What?

Really? How do you know that?

Parked in the Hamburger Hamlet parking lot.

In Georgetown?

Bethesda.

No shit.

I knew something was wrong.

I knew it. Because about a month ago, I was sitting next to him at dinner,

and he asked me what I thought the resale value of his house was.

Mark.

I said, "Oh, please, Mr. Senator",

"I am a television journalist,"

"I am not a real estate broker."

Mark, I think something's happening.

Rachel! You okay?

Time to go to the hospital.

You all right? Yeah.

Can I give you a ride?

The bag's in the car.

Put the lamb on for 20 minutes.

What? Baste it once. Turn it over.

You okay? Cook it for 20 more minutes.

Just keep breathing. You can do it.

I don't want to do it. Honey, can't we get somebody else to do it?

You're doing fine.

Give me a break.

The baby's in some distress.

It's possible there's a problem with the umbilical cord.

But I'm keeping an eye on it.

In distress?

If it looks serious, we can do a cesarean.

We can have the baby out in two minutes.

Hold on.

Is the baby going to die?

Let's do it.

Get anesthesia and pediatrics. We're gonna do a crash section.

- Mark? - Yeah, I'm here.

Take it easy, Nurse.

We're almost there.

Count backwards from 100, Rachel.

I'm here, babe.

One hundred.

Ninety-nine.

Ninety-eight.

Ninety...

Seven...

No pictures, okay?

Is that our baby?

Let me see.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, Petunia.

I sing to you.

I sing to you.

And the baby Petunia, too.

I sing to you.

Oh...

About your sweetness.

And your beet-red face.

And your little no-teethness.

Your little hands.

She's cranky.

Without no gloves.

I sing to you.

Of all our love.

Oh!

Whee!

Oh, God.

I love our life.

I love how it just goes along, you know?

Pork chops again, and...

Do we owe the Richardsons?

And... Where are my socks?

And where are my socks, right?

Where are my socks?

They're in your sock drawer.

I've got four socks in my sock drawer, and none of them match.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

You know what, little baby?

Hello.

Hello, baby.

Funny Daddy.

Well...

Ah.

Well, I mean... Yeah.

Whoops!

I must have two of those.

Mmm-hmm.

I just... I never expected to love it so much.

Nobody tells you. Nobody...

Prepares you for what happens.

You get born, too. A whole...

Part of you that you...

That you didn't know you had. I mean...

Suddenly you have all this love to give and...

It's almost as if you expand.

You should be writing about this.

Oh, God, Richard.

You don't have to write about everything.

No, let me look. Do yourself a favor.

Just keep a tape recorder around

and talk into it every so often. Oh, sure.

Right.

This is Rachel Samstat, food writer.

And I'm here mixing Gerber's rice cereal and applesauce.

Better do it pretty soon,

because after this one's born, you won't have time to write a postcard.

"Presently, Kep opened the door of the shed

"and let out Jemima Puddle-Duck.

"Unfortunately, the puppies rushed in"

"and gobbled up all the eggs"

"before he could stop them."

"Jemima Puddle-Duck was escorted home in tears"

"on account of those eggs."

Good morning! Morning.

Good morning, Juanita.

What a day!

"She laid some more in June,"

"She was permitted to keep them herself."

"But only four of them hatched."

"Jemima Puddle-Duck said that it was because of her nerves."

"But she had always been a bad sitter."

What a story.

I've, uh...

I've got a lunch up on the Hill.

And then I'm going to go shopping.

What for? Socks.

Hello. This is Rachel Samstat.

Well...

Obviously, it's me.

I mean, who else could it be? It's my tape recorder.

And, uh... It's May 16th,

and I'm here in the kitchen with Annie.

Could you say something to the folks back home, Annie?

Da! What?

Da!

Da? A word?

Oh, my God!

I've got it on tape! Oh, you baby! Mwah.

Julie's idea of romance, okay?

I'll tell you. You ready?

She's got this flannel nightgown

that's got this stuff across the top.

- What's it's called? - Rickrack, Arthur.

It's called rickrack. Rickrack, exactly. Right.

And these bedroom slippers...

- With bunnies on them. - Right.

So, she puts on the nightgown and slippers,

and she gets into bed on Monday night

with the magazines and a bowl of lima beans, right?

Hi, darling. Hi.

And now, Arthur's idea of romance

is Venice, gondolas...

Gondolas. Oh, yes. Of course.

I love my flannel nightgown.

Oh, I'm so happy.

I didn't know West Virginia was so beautiful.

I think we should take this place every summer.

Definitely.

Mark goes into town, to the dentist,

and conducts his search for the perfect pair of socks.

Then he comes home and he says, "What have you two been doing?"

I say, "Not much. Today we found a frog."

Here's a riddle for you.

There's 200 million people in America.

100 million of them are men.

They lose four socks a year, conservatively.

I lose 10 myself.

That's 400 million missing socks.

Missing forever. Where are they?

Nobody ever sees them again.

You think you'd run into one of them every once in a while.

They're in heaven.

You die, you go to heaven, and they give you a big box with all your missing socks

and mufflers in it. And you get to spend eternity sorting it out.

And why is there only one shoe left in the road? Where's the other shoe?

Why is the cold water in the bathroom

always colder than the cold water in the kitchen?

Mark! For God's sake!

What?

It's not even lunch, and you ripped the leg off the chicken?

Are you planning on photographing it?

Oh, you don't even like dark meat.

Well, I won't have any lunch, okay?

Just subtract it from my share, okay?

You know, this is not your mother's house,

where you do something like that, everybody thinks it's cute.

If it's not my mother's house, then why are you talking to me like I'm your kid?

Come on, guys.

Bellinis.

Whoops. Sorry.

Just like in Venice.

Thank you.

Toast?

To marriage.

Friendship.

Okay, is everybody ready? Mmm-hmm. Ready.

Arthur, you go first.

Jewish.

You put Jewish first?

Julie, try to control yourself. It's my list.

Jewish.

Married. Thank you.

Lawyer. Father.

Hungry.

Thank God.

Okay, okay. This is me.

Um...

Unemployed.

Mother.

Good-natured.

Shiksa. Sister.

What about married? That's the shiksa part.

Arthur, it's her list.

Yugoslav. Capitalist.

Tan. Tall.

188 pounds.

Dmitri, it's not supposed to be like

a driver's license.

It's who you are.

I'm pussy-whipped.

That's such a lie!

It is! Stop.

All right.

Television interviewer.

Blonde. Living with Dmitri.

Right. Yeah.

For now.

Friend.

Texan!

Pregnant. No...

Fancy that. Wife.

Mother.

Writer. Happy.

Thelma!

- Betty, hello. - Hi.

Oh, please don't get up.

Didn't we see each other at Swedish Embassy?

Yes, I think you're right.

Have a wonderful dinner. Thanks.

- Good night. - Nice to see you.

Good night. Bye.

Thelma Rice is having an affair.

- With whom? - No!

I don't know.

You don't know? With someone. This is what I know.

Well, it shouldn't be that difficult to figure out who.

It has to be someone taller than she is

which rules out practically everybody.

Maybe it's one of the Washington Bullets.

How do you know this?

She's talking about buying a condominium and staying in Washington

if Jonathan is sent to Bangladesh.

Now, obviously, she's having an affair with someone.

Maybe it's Senator Campbell. He's been talking about condominiums, too.

Senators always talk about condominiums.

Who else could it be?

You know, I don't know how anybody gets anything

going in this town.

Nobody even flirts here.

Jonathan is not being sent to Bangladesh.

Why not?

Because we still care about Bangladesh.

Mark, your turn.

Col...

Columnist. In love.

Married. Father.

Shortstop.

Oh! Choked on that first one, didn't you?

Hi.

Hi. Thank you.

Welcome.

Thelma Rice had her legs waxed.

For the first time.

Need I say more?

He's in love with someone else.

Er, hold still.

He comes over last night and he drops it on me.

He's in love with someone else, but he still wants to be friends.

This just happened?

Last night? Hold still.

So, I says to him, "I don't wanna be friends with you."

And he says, "Why not?" and I says,

"Ray, because you're a real shithead. That's why."

Yeah. Don't do too much...

No. I'll do one side. If you don't like it, we'll take it down, okay?

You know what he says to me after that?

He says, "You mean you're not even gonna cut my hair anymore?"

He falls in love with someone else

while he's going with me and he actually thinks

I'm gonna go on cutting his hair.

I can't believe I didn't figure it out.

He kept dropping one clue after another right into my lap.

He has to go jogging.

He has to go and do these errands

that takes three or four times longer

than it would take a genuinely subnormal person to do it.

Last week he calls me up at 10:00 in the evening,

and he says, "I'm just calling to say good night."

"I'm going to bed early,"

"I'm going to turn off the phone."

"I just wanted you to know in case you called and there was no answer."

And do you know what I said to him?

"Good night, honey."

Anyone can see it, and I'm saying,

"Good night, honey, sleep tight."

"Don't let the bedbugs bite."

You didn't. "Don't let the bedbugs bite"?

I did.

Did you know about this?

No. Of course not, Mary Beth.

Yeah. Well, you and I are the only two people in America

who did not know about it.

His friends knew, his mother knew, the doorman...

Mary Beth, I...

- That's not too much? - Is it?

I have to go. I realized something.

I just remembered something that I...

I think I left something.

Well, when are you gonna be back?

I have to see if I'm right.

As soon as I know if I'm right, I'll be...

I'll be back. I'll be definitely back...

Well, how long is it gonna take you?

I don't know.

Juanita, would you just give Annie her supper?

I have to go through some things.

At least until Mark gets home.

He be home soon, I'm sure.

He say he go out to buy socks.

Oh, my...

Hi.

I know I'm late. I'll be ready in 10 minutes.

Woo-woo-woo-woo!

Well, look who's here. Daddy said, "Woo-woo-woo-woo!"

How. Hey.

For me, huh? For me?

I can't wear this. I have to wear something else.

Having a shower, darling?

We'll be late.

I... I know about you and Thelma Rice.

I know everything. It's all here.

Shit.

You didn't even have the decency to hide the evidence.

You just threw it in a drawer.

Hotels, motels.

Oh, shit.

You couldn't even pay cash, like a normal philander.

You charged everything!

I mean, look at this!

Flowers! Look at all these flowers that you bought her!

And you occasionally brought me home a bunch of wilted zinnias.

How can you do this?

If I'm such a bitch, then tell me!

Don't do this. We have a baby, Mark!

We have another baby coming.

Don't you even care about them?

Of course I care.

Do you love her?

I... I can't do this.

I can't do this right now.

Please, don't let this be happening.

Please, just... Don't let this be happening.

Why can't we go back to the way it was?

I promise I'll be the way I was.

I promise.

I just don't want to do it.

Come on.

I'm not going to pack this, sweetheart.

Dad?

Dad!

Dad?

Oh!

Where is he?

Oh! Where's Grampy?

Where's my father, do you know?

I just clean, honey.

Della, do you ever, um...

Uh, uh... I mean...

Would... Would you...

I have a lot of errands to do in... In the next couple of days.

I was just wondering if...

If, uh, you would...

I have to, um...

My husband, you know...

The one I married at the wedding,

I left him.

Here.

He's been, uh... He's been seeing someone very tall.

Someone that I know.

Not very well. But, I mean, I've never had lunch with her or anything.

But when I asked him about it, he said, "Yes."

He didn't exactly say, "Yes."

But that was the idea...

I'll stay with the baby.

Thank you.

Wave bye-bye to Mommy.

Bye-bye. Mommy!

Wave bye-bye.

If anybody calls...

If... If my husband calls, just tell him I'm out.

Bye-bye.

Mommy!

Rachel?

Rachel!

Hi!

Judith! How are you? What are you doing in town?

Oh! God. Aren't you about to have a baby?

Judith...

My mother died.

Oh, Rachel.

Are you all right?

Yes.

I thought she died a few years ago.

Almost, but then, you know, she didn't.

Rachel.

I went through this.

I have to tell you.

You may not realize this now, but, your mother dying...

I'm not saying it's a blessing,

but on some level, it frees you.

It's not the worst thing that can happen.

I know, Judith.

Are you free?

So I left him.

No! Just like that?

I mean, a person does something like that,

you can't stay with him. Can you?

No, no. Well, I don't know. I mean, people do.

It's just that...

I mean, are you sure you don't wanna give him a little time?

Absolutely not. I'm here because I'm through with him,

and, uh, I'd would like to come back to work.

You're it.

I'm back. I'm gonna be living here again and I need my job.

Anytime. You know that.

I would've said something to you when you left.

But, you know, if it... You know, "It don't work out",

"you can always have your job back,"

is not what you say to someone who's getting married. So...

Thanks, Richard. Sure.

You never really liked him.

Did you?

Uh, I'll tell you what. I'm not gonna get into that trap,

because you'll just go back to him and you'll hold it against me.

I'm never going back with him. Never.

Do you wanna have dinner tonight?

Oh. I couldn't. Mark might...

I'm... I'm sure that he will turn up.

And I'll have to see him and finalize the separation.

Make him face the fact that it's over.

But, if he doesn't turn up...

Oh, he'll turn up. He'll turn up.

He's, uh... It's very difficult for him, you know.

He's really not accepting it at all.

I just have to settle it once and for all.

I mean, I have to see him.

Really, I have to go. What time is it now?

Oh, my God. I'm late. I have to go.

Hi, Della? It's Rachel.

Were there any calls? From my husband?

Well, if my husband calls me,

tell him that I'm just, uh...

No, no, no. Don't tell him that.

Just tell him that I'll be home soon.

Yeah. Don't be too specific about it. Just say soon.

What?

Yes.

Put her on.

Hi, honey.

It's Mommy.

Yes, I'll be home in 15 minutes.

Well, ask Della to show you where that is on the clock.

Tick tock.

Tick.

Mommy has to hang up now, or I won't be home in 15 minutes.

Annie, hang the phone up, sweetie.

Hang the phone up so Daddy can call.

Annie?

Annie?

Oh!

I'm sorry. You all right?

Taxi!

Taxi!

Hi!

Hi.

Nobody called. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Hi!

Tell Mommy about the banana.

Okay.

Oh!

How nice! And for me.

Here! Thank you very much. Thank you.

Ooh!

Beautiful!

Let's see who this is from.

I hope, I hope, I hope...

"Dear Rachel, so sorry about your mother."

"Just wanted to... To know I'm thinking of you. Love, Judith."

Shit. Now I have to call her.

Good evening.

In our last episode,

Rachel discovered that her husband Mark

is in love with another woman.

The tall, infamous Thelma.

And she has left him.

Taken their tiny,

tiny child

and gone to her father's apartment in New York.

There,

pregnant,

penniless, and alone,

she has been waiting, hoping against hope,

as the hours tick by without a phone call.

Finally, realizing that if there is no phone call the first day,

there probably won't be one,

or, perhaps, there will be one,

but a day later,

Rachel closes her weary eyes

and sobs herself to sleep.

Rach?

Mark?

Hmm. No.

Oh, Daddy.

Mmm-hmm.

Where have you been?

Atlantic City. With a lady. A looker.

Gambling.

Her money. I lost.

What are you doing here?

Hmm?

Mark has

fallen in love with Thelma Rice.

Thelma Rice. I know her?

No.

Oh, shh...

Shh. Oh.

No, no, no.

No.

Honey, when Joey Lazarus fell in love with Zizi Jevay,

he went to his wife, and he said.

"Natalie, I'm in love with Zizi Jevay."

"I care for you. We have six kids."

"Hope you won't give me any trouble about seeing them."

"'Cause I can't beat this thing."

And his wife said to him,

"Joey, I'm happy for you and your love for Zizi Jevay.

"Hope you'll be very happy with her. I'm leaving."

"I won't give you any trouble about the kids."

"I've raised them for 14 years."

"You and Zizi"

"can have them."

Well...

What are you saying? That I should give Mark the children?

One of them, anyway. In a couple months,

give him the other. Are you crazy?

They're my children!

A suggestion! I know. I'm sorry...

I just can't do that, Daddy.

Maybe if I had six children...

Men!

I hate them!

Always hated 'em.

You wonder why I hang around with women.

Because it's men who do things like this.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, now, now, now, now, now.

Ah, you're a wonderful person. He's a shit.

And I love you. And I'd do anything I can for you. You know that, don't you?

I know that.

Now I have some news.

Gene Kelly called about my new project.

Oh, that's wonderful, Daddy.

Says he hasn't directed in years,

but he might come back for this.

Oh, it's real exciting.

Exciting? The life of Balanchine, are you kidding?

Kelly would be crazy to turn down something like this.

It's a great part for me.

And maybe you can write it.

Oh, Dad.

I miss Mom.

I miss her, too.

Although, let's face it, she wasn't much good at a time like this.

Yeah, I know. Although, let's face it, neither am I.

Oh, Daddy, what am I going to do?

There's nothing you can do.

You want monogamy, marry a swan.

Oh, no.

Oh, God. You get some sleep.

I'm going to that little lady

whose money I lost in Atlantic City.

You sure she still wants to see you?

I'm in a buyer's market.

Daddy?

Mama!

Oh, beautiful.

Della?

Della?

I'm going downtown to a sort of a doctor's appointment!

I hope you're gonna see a shrink, honey.

And I will be back between 3:00 and 3:30, all right?

Okay.

Bye, honey.

Bye!

Sorry.

Hold it.

Thank you so much.

Excuse me. Would you like to sit down?

Thank you.

Hey I have something I need to talk about today.

I can't decide whether to go to Club Med.

Diana, I need to talk, too.

When I'm done.

Rachel has something very serious to talk about.

This is serious.

Nobody ever thinks my problems are serious.

Go ahead.

Mark is...

Mark is in love with someone else.

Oh, no.

Oh, but...

Why does everything happen to Rachel?

Nothing ever happens to me.

Stick it up your ass, Diana.

Who brought the chopped liver?

I did.

Did you make it?

I bought it. Is that all right with you?

I was going to say it was delicious.

Now, I don't feel like telling you.

Nothing is ever enough for you. Is it?

Every week you complain about the food.

When's the last time you brought food?

Okay, everybody.

On... On the table.

Money, jewelry.

Anything you got that I want.

You hold anything back, and I'll kill the lady just like this!

I always hated that picture.

Oh, Sidney. This is not the time to speak.

Come on, everything in this bag.

Bag. All right.

Oh, your turn, lady. Come on, the ring.

Get that ring off.

- All right. All right. - Okay, okay.

Come on!

My finger's swollen because I'm pregnant. I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll get it. Don't pull. Don't panic.

Pull it! I'm pulling it!

Wait, wait. Here, here. This does it. This does it every time.

Come on. Come on.

Hand me the bag. Give me the bag.

All right, everybody.

On the floor! Face down!

On your stomachs!

Please don't shoot me, but I can't lie on my stomach.

Do the best you can,

and nobody move for five minutes.

I'm really sorry about your ring, lady.

It's all right.

Don't worry about it.

Thank you, Mr. Brownell.

Miss Samstat?

This robbery was not your fault.

This robbery was my fault.

I know.

I'm Detective O'Brien.

Hello.

I want you to come back.

Is that a new blazer?

You belong at home.

I love you.

I'm not coming home

if you're gonna see her anymore.

I not gonna see her anymore.

Ever.

Not even accidentally.

Rachel, I said I'm not gonna see her anymore,

and I'm not gonna see her anymore.

I know this is difficult for you,

but it's difficult for me, too.

All right.

I'll come home.

Good.

Now you can put the ring back on.

Rachel, for God's sake, put the ring back on.

I gave it away.

You what?

I gave it away.

You gave the ring away?

Not of my own free will.

Someone took it away from you?

Yes.

Do you want me to guess who it was?

My group was robbed.

By an outsider, or someone in the group?

By an outsider.

And it isn't funny.

He held a gun to my head.

Well, maybe I can get a column out of it.

It happened to me! It's mine!

On top on which, it was really awful.

He twisted my arm.

Aw. Show Daddy where, huh?

Oh, shut up. Aw!

Well, if we get going, we can still catch the 7:00.

Oh.

That's... Yours.

That's a pop.

Pop, indeed.

That's a wonderful story.

I did not take it as personal...

No, I do think adultery...

Are you saying adultery shouldn't be a cause for a divorce?

I'm saying that in most states, David,

it is not a cause anymore for divorce. Adultery...

How to tell if your husband's cheating.

What's the first clue?

It may be a slip of paper you found in his wallet.

You know, I used to really hate myself

for being suspicious of you and having no proof.

But, thank you.

Thank you very much for giving me proof.

Alone, in the still unfinished house in Washington,

Rachel has turned on the television set.

And as she switches channels,

everything she sees seems to be

an echo of her own dilemma.

Are you behaving yourself?

Yeah...

Yeah. Juanita, can you please...

I'm on the phone here.

Yes, I baked bread, and I hung curtains, and...

What do they look like?

Fine. They look fine.

If you're drunk, and one leg is 6 inches

shorter than the other, they look even.

What else?

Uh...

I made chicken stuffed with lemon,

and Mark said, "This is delicious."

I made, uh, linguini with clam sauce.

Mark said, "It's the best I've ever eaten."

Oh, and I made pork chops with mustard and cream.

Mark said,

"I never want my pork chops cooked any other way."

I'm being very good.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

I hate this.

I know, sweetie.

I wish he were dead.

I know. When Arthur was having his little affair,

every time he got on a plane,

I would imagine the plane crash.

The funeral.

What I would wear at the funeral.

Flirting at the funeral.

How soon I could start dating after the funeral.

I know.

We... We go into the warehouse,

this huge warehouse,

as big as a football field,

and hundreds of neat, brown, packing cases

and gigantic crates, all nailed perfectly together.

And in the middle of all this is this huge mess

of exploded excelsior and broken crockery.

The only unbroken plate that arrived.

And we had a fight over who bought it.

And we won.

And you promised that you'd let us borrow it

every once in a while, and have you?

Take it home with you tonight. I insist!

That was really fun, wasn't it?

Thank you, Juanita.

Thank you to you. Good night. Good night.

We see you Monday.

Have a nice weekend. You, too.

Can I get you anything?

No.

Yeah. That really was fun, Rachel.

It was just like old times.

You reminded me of how much fun we used to have.

How much fun we could still have.

Honey, I love you so much.

I don't know what got into me.

I know... I know how hard this must be for you.

I know how awful and cold, and distant, and preoccupied

and self-involved I must seem, but, please forgive me.

Can you forgive me for instance?

For fucking instance!

Listen to me.

You have to give this time.

You have to have patience.

You can't take its temperature every five minutes

to see if the fever's gone down.

It's the only way we can do it.

It's the only way we'll ever get through it.

Hey.

Petunia. Hey, come on.

Oh, Mark! Come on.

Hey.

Hi! Hello. How are you?

Good. Can I have a pound of your ground beef, please? Rachel?

Rachel, I was just going to call you.

And can you put in some veal and some pork with it, please?

I found out who Thelma Rice is having the affair with.

And can I have a pound of your sausage, too, please?

Who?

You're not going to like it.

Who is it? Arthur.

Arthur Siegel?

They were seen having drinks at the Washington Hilton the other day.

Now, nobody has drinks at the Washington Hilton

unless something secret's going on.

Arthur is not having an affair with Thelma Rice.

How do you know this?

I just know.

Tell me. Okay, but you gotta promise me

you won't tell anyone. I promise.

I saw Thelma at the gynecologist's.

She has a horrible infection.

You don't want to know about it.

What? Oh, God.

She made me promise not to tell anybody.

She almost didn't have to,

because it was so disgusting, I almost couldn't.

Mommy!

I'm only telling you because I want you to know

it's not true about her and Arthur.

Well, then why was she having a drink with him?

She probably wanted some legal advice.

You know, because she got the infection in a restaurant.

A Vietnamese restaurant.

Not the one on K Street?

Somewhere in Virginia, and she wants to sue them.

She get it from the toilet seat,

or from something she ate or what?

From the toilet seat, I guess.

Although I'm not sure.

Maybe from the spring rolls.

Oh, God. Poor Thelma.

I feel so sorry for her.

Don't feel too sorry for her.

It's curable.

Eventually.

Yeah, I think I should have a party for her.

What? For Thelma.

And the three of us should have lunch Wednesday to plan it.

Wednesday, I have to be in New York at the magazine.

Okay, Thelma and I will have lunch Wednesday.

We'll plan the party.

It'll take Thelma's mind off her infection.

You could start thinking about the menu.

It will take your mind off your pregnancy.

My mind isn't on my pregnancy.

Well, start thinking about the menu. I'll get it.

Thanks very much. Have a nice day.

Oh, you know I will.

That's it, then.

We can have this when? Monday.

I don't see how you feel that way about raisins.

Rice pudding is a very personal thing.

Well, let's go with the illustration.

How are you gonna be able to handle all this from Washington?

I don't have to be here everyday

to run a rice pudding competition.

I'm fine. Really.

You look terrible.

Well, I always look terrible when I'm this pregnant.

No, you don't.

Can I touch it?

Yes.

Hmm. It feels like a basketball, doesn't it?

Did you feel that? God!

Jesus!

What did that? What's it feel like?

It's sort of like I'm a drum

and I'm being played from the inside.

It doesn't hurt or anything.

Fare, please.

Thank you.

"Dear Miss Samstat,

"I am sending this to Washington,

"as I understand from your therapist"

"that you are living there again."

"We caught the perpetrator and he confessed."

"So it will not be necessary for you to appear in court."

"Sincerely yours, Andrew O'Brien."

Diamond's loose.

Thelma came over here yesterday.

She's very angry at you, and so am I.

She had lunch with Betty.

And Betty told her you said she had herpes.

I never said herpes.

Yeah!

Come here, you little mouse pie.

Yes.

You must've said something to her.

I said she had an infection.

Mommy brought you a lolly.

An orange lollipop.

I'm sorry. Really, I am.

Well, Thelma's furious at you.

Thelma's furious at me? That's really great.

Listen, you bastard.

You tell Thelma she comes over here one more time,

I'll tell Betty she has the clap.

Bullshit. I'll get it into a gossip column, too.

"What hopelessly tall Washington hostess has a social disease?"

"And we don't mean her usual climbing."

Oh!

Mrs. Forman, Annie's lunch is ready.

Oh, Juanita. Want bottle now.

A milk bottle now? Yeah.

Want to play spider? Yeah.

Itsy-bitsy spider Went up the water spout.

Down the rain.

And washed the spider out.

Up came the sun.

And dried up all the rain.

What's that?

Mommy's glasses.

Thank you, sweetie pea.

Let's go eat lunch.

Okay.

Itsy-bitsy spider.

There you go.

Get you in.

Hot?

No, it's not hot.

Oh, Mrs. Forman.

I feel so bad for you.

She come here yesterday.

I know that lady.

She's no good. I know.

I know.

I work for her 10 years ago.

What's wrong with her?

She's very messy.

Juanita, would you please ask Mark to come down for a second?

It's important.

Yes, Mrs. Forman.

You love it?

Yes?

Kitty cat. Yeah?

Want a kitty cat. Yeah.

What the hell is it now?

My water broke.

Dr. Appel is waiting for us on the second floor.

Yeah.

Hold still now.

Can you feel this, Rachel?

No.

I'm cutting now.

Tell me about when Annie was born.

Start when the doctor says there's something wrong.

The doctor took me aside in the labor room

and said there was something wrong.

They were losing the heartbeat.

Maybe the umbilical cord was around her neck.

Then we went over to you,

and he told you that the baby was in distress.

And you said...

"Is our baby going to die?"

And he said,

"We're going to do an emergency cesarean."

Then we took you into the delivery room.

You were very brave.

I was terrified.

Then I went out in the waiting room,

and there was a man sitting across from me,

eating a sausage pizza.

In a few minutes,

the doctor came and took me in the delivery room.

There was Annie.

Making funny noises.

Like a little tiny dove.

And they put her in my arms...

And you woke up and said,

"Is that our baby?"

That was a great day.

The baby's fine.

Hi.

Oh, more flowers.

Yeah.

Wait till you see the cards.

I made you my rice pudding

with an enormous number of raisins.

Oh, I love rice pudding.

I know.

Oh, hello.

Oh!

Juanita.

Thanks for coming.

I brought some paella.

Hmm? Look.

More rice. More rice.

Oh, Mrs. Forman.

The baby's so beautiful.

Isn't she? I know, she's...

Did you see the baby?

Oh, yes.

She's beautiful.

She looks just like Rachel.

- Do you think so? - I don't see it.

What's that?

Rice pudding.

She loves rice pudding.

I know.

So are you still being good?

Yes. Really.

I do not ask, "How are you? How are we?"

"Do you still love her?"

"Do you still love me?"

"Is it over?" "Is it ever going to be over?"

"What did you give her for her birthday?"

Oh, was it Thelma's birthday?

Yeah.

Ah, happy birthday.

So, you're going over to Betty's on Saturday night?

Yeah. What are you bringing?

Coleslaw. How about you?

Making key lime pie.

Throw them in the back.

Go ahead.

I just have to tighten the setting a little.

I'll just take me a couple of minutes if you want to wait.

That's great.

- Here's a candy, kid. - Mommy.

I always loved this ring.

I know.

So, how did you like the necklace?

The necklace?

I must be thinking of another customer.

No, you're not.

I thought Mark had bought a birthday present

when I was in the hospital.

He shouldn't have done that.

Ah, I shouldn't have said anything.

Oh, no, it's okay, Leo.

At least, I now know what to be prepared for.

Nothing worse than opening a box with a necklace in it

when you're not in the mood for a necklace.

When have you ever not been in the mood for a necklace?

I can think of circumstances where I might not be.

Really.

All done.

How much? No charge.

How much would you give me for the ring?

You don't really want to sell it.

I really wanna sell it.

Do you really want to buy it?

I always told you I'd buy this ring from you.

Well, I love the ring, Leo,

but it just doesn't go with my life now.

I mean, it never would have been stolen in the first place

if I hadn't been wearing it on the subway.

If you have a ring that you can't wear on the subway,

you pretty much have to take cabs all the time, and then...

Before you know it, you know, we're broker than we already are.

Mark is such a romantic.

He must have spent every penny of the savings on that necklace.

For the down payment.

For the down payment.

It's a beautiful necklace.

How much for the ring?

I asked her for a list of her friends,

and she gave me 50 names. Oh.

I wasn't planning on something that big, but what could I do?

You're having a dinner party for Thelma.

And Jonathan, next Saturday night. You're all invited.

We're all on the list?

Of course. Thelma knows you're my best friends.

You know what's going on with Thelma?

Medical problems, legal problems.

All these rumors their marriage is falling apart.

You have to kind of stand by people at a time like this.

I don't want them to become pariahs.

The minute anyone hears stuff like your marriage is in trouble,

you might just as well have leprosy.

Who doesn't want their green stuff?

Oh, here. Sorry, baby.

What?

Now, David and Harriet Kaiser...

I don't even know them.

Don't have to know them. Split.

No. I just saw them together.

Why do people always say that?

You tell them someone just split,

and they say, "We just saw them together."

You tell them someone just died,

and they say, "We just saw him alive."

I hate Harriet Kaiser.

She wasn't so bad.

Never said anything.

Have I ever met her?

I did think she was a dyke.

Oh, Dmitri! How could...

Why didn't you tell me?

I told you. And you said, "Don't be ridiculous."

Damn it.

Why are you mad at Dmitri? Yeah.

Because she is a dyke.

Oh, yeah. You see?

She left him for his secretary.

Holy shit.

He lost a wife and a secretary at the same time?

Well, I can't get over it.

I can't stop thinking about it.

How could you be with someone that long?

How long they've been together?

At least as long as Rachel and Mark, right?

How could you be with someone that long,

live with them, love them

enough to want to marry them, and not know?

Oh, he must have known. I knew!

Well, he says he didn't know. Come on.

Well, how could he not?

How could he be with someone that long

and not know something like that?

Maybe it wasn't true, when he first met her.

Of course it was true.

Oh, you don't just start sleeping with women, bang like that.

Oh, sure you do.

It's like being allergic to strawberries, right?

You eat strawberries all your life,

and then one day, bang! And you get hives.

No, I don't believe... I do not believe people change that much.

Don't tell me they do, Rachel.

Don't give me that New York psychological bullshit

about how people are capable of change. They are not.

Which brings me back to my question.

How is it possible to live with someone

and not know something so fundamental?

Ah. It's possible.

It is possible to...

It is possible...

Well, to love someone so much, or to think that you

want to love them so much

that you just don't even see anything.

You know, you decide to love him.

And you decide to trust him.

And you're in the marriage, and you're in the...

You're in the day-to-dayness of the marriage and...

You sort of notice that things are not the way they were.

But it's, um...

It's, uh...

Uh, a distant bell.

And then when things do turn out to have been wrong,

it's not that you knew all along,

it was just that you were

somewhere else.

I mean, you'd have to be living in a dream.

Yes. Yes.

And then the dream dies.

And the dream breaks into a million tiny little pieces.

Which leaves you with a choice.

You can either stick with it, which is unbearable,

or you can just go off and dream another dream.

Can I have the car keys, please?

By the way, I won't be able to

come to the party for Thelma.

Itsy-bitsy spider.

Went up the water spout.

Down came the rain.

And washed the spider out.

And up came the sun.

And dried up all the rain.

And the itsy-bitsy spider.

Went up the spout again.

Again? Yeah.

The itsy-bitsy spider.

Went up the water spout.

Down came the rain...