Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old Christian values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who, possibly can do all the things we make up. Laugh and

cry. Be a family guy.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, reporting live from the historic Quahog Playhouse,

formerly the Bitcoin Center, formerly the Enron Arena, formerly the Lead

Paint Pavilion, formerly the Chesterton Cigarettes Hall, formerly Captain

Jerry's Slave Auctionarium. Yep, a lot of history here, folks. But this beloved

landmark was about to close until a local woman without a job who calls

a community activist decided to mount three plays to try to save it.

Hello, everyone.

As many of you know, I'm a community activist.

Tonight, we'll be performing three plays to save this local treasure that none

of us supported while it was open. But we can't let our fear of COVID shudder

another business.

Oh, crap! Everybody out! This isn't worth it!

It's not COVID. I have Black Long.

Oh, thank God. I thought it was something that could affect the rest of

So, without further ado, please enjoy our first play, To Kill a Mockingbird, a

searing portrait of the Jim Crow South that, from Harper Lee to Aaron Sorkin,

black person has ever been allowed to work on.

Not one.

Okay, let's do this. Places, everybody, as they say in the theater, break an L3

vertebrae. I'm so glad I saved my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume.

And listen, I don't want to make anybody nervous, but I just found out an agent

is here from Allstate.

We play this right, we're all going to get earthquake coverage.

The 1930s, when the South was 90 % porch.

Mail for Fatica Cinch.

Ah, yes, thank you. Boy, I'm really schvitzing in this heat.

Ah, okay.

That'll be all, mailman.

Screw you, putz. My pharmacy is sponsoring this play.

Anyone who claps for me gets their OxyContin prescription refilled, no

asked.

Not you, Pooh.

Aw. The opioid crisis has turned pharmacists into gods.

Dad, some of the kids at school said you're defending a black man accused by

white woman.

That's right, Scout. Everyone in this country is entitled to good legal

And they also said, once I'm in court, you sat on your balls and fainted. Who

the hell are these kids?

They shouldn't be talking about that.

Now, hey, it's getting late. Where's your brother, Jim? Here I am, Pop.

Oop, everyone's already on their phones.

I'm going to have a Patti LuPone meltdown if a ringer goes off.

Oh, God, I do have to take this.

Patti, hi.

No, I can talk.

Say, Scout, I see you're playing with a new toy.

Yeah, it was left for me in a tree by Pooh Badly.

Ah, Pooh Badly, a guy obsessed with children and AR -15s. He seems like

I want to leave you alone with later in the play.

All right, let's pretend to walk to the next scene.

Fun fact, that's the same tree from The Wizard of Oz that the Munchkin used to

hang himself.

What part of that is fun?

Munchkin.

That black man violated me and besmirched my virtue.

Cleveland, how could you? You're supposed to be on my side, and my

name is Tom.

Can't believe I missed a raw bass concert for this, and I'm his biggest

Hey, yo, Quahog, how many does it take to make a thing go right? Hey, wait,

where's Cleveland?

Fatticus Inch for the defense, Your Honor. Now, if I may begin. Hello to the

-white jury, the all -white gallery, and the very rickety segregated balcony.

Are you sure this balcony is safe?

Of course you're safe. You think a guy like me roots for people to fall and

horrible spinal injuries?

Especially when my murder ball team needs four new players for regionals.

size jerseys are you guys? I mean, you're safe. Totally safe.

Now, Miss Yule, you said my client assaulted you, but you have a history of

telling falsehoods, do you not? No, Mr. Inch. I have always told the truth.

Is that right?

And when you worked at West Elm, did you or did you not tell me that fake

leather chairs look just as good as the real thing?

Well, so what if I did? You know there's a rumor that John Rockefeller has West

Elm chairs.

Objection, Your Honor. She's trying to sell the jury terrible furniture.

Sustained. Yes, and now that we've established that, you said my client

a black eye with his right hand. But that's impossible, isn't it? Because

everyone knows that for the last two weeks, he's been stuck in a Chinese

trap. That's you.

Forgive me, Your Honor. Me play joke.

It's the 1930s, so I can say that. I'll allow it. And isn't it also true that

your father has a history of abusing you and also has the strongest right arm in

town? That's outrageous.

I'm so mad, I'm going to punch my daughter tonight.

I mean, someone else's daughter.

I mean, a son who disappointed me at sports.

Ah, damn it. He saved it. God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent. Our society is

blinded by prejudice.

Oh, that's so deep.

Nice armchair activism.

Are you a mockingbird? Are you a mockingbird?

That's how you sound, dude. Leave me alone.

Fat Snoopy says what? What, you little jerk? How dare you call me that? What

you going to do? You're not going to do anything.

Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down.

You know, this story is actually pretty good. Now I regret banning it.

And that is why I am confident that you will find my client not guilty.

Don't worry, we got this in the bag.

We find the black guy guilty.

Ah, nuts.

So are they gonna kill me now? Yeah, but it'll be offstage.

This play about racism is about how it affects white people.

All right, we're done here.

Kids, why don't you walk home together in the dark? Take Stab Street to Knifey

Lane. And remember, there's no streetlights, because the rural South

doesn't have electricity in this time period, which is underratedly shocking.

It was basically North Korea.

What a horrible injustice.

God, this country is racist.

Oh, yeah? I looked up your Instagram.

You sang Gold Digger at karaoke and you said all the words.

That's it. I'm going to kill a mockingbird.

I can't believe our son is in a play. In a play?

He's in a scene where they said the title.

All right, Scout and Jem are walking home. Prepare the nighttime set.

Hit the Mac Tonight moon from the McDonald's ads.

created to increase dinner business.

I really like that moon. Hey, crazy idea. You want to go to McDonald's after

like 5 p .m.? There you kids are.

I'm mad at your dad, so I'm going to stab you to get back at him. And I'm

confident that no lunatic will coincidentally show up to stop me

would be very bad writing. Get away from those kids.

Who badly?

The scary recluse?

That's right. There was never any reason to be afraid of me. And to prove it,

I'm going to murder this guy.

Stop. This isn't what we blocked.

Damn it, Chris. You said you took stage combat.

Wow. Thank you for saving us.

No problem. So let's sum up the messages of this award -winning play. It's good

for your daughter to have an older, physically aggressive man follower

And women who accuse men of sexual assault are liars. I did it. I killed a

mockingbird.

Honey, honey, he's acting.

He's good.

God, did you guys read everyone's bios?

Lois Griffin was the body double for Amy Adams in American Hustle. Yeah, right.

What a lying hag.

Yeah, look at this. Glenn Quagmire would like to thank Stella Adler.

You never studied with Stella Adler. I can still thank her, Brian. I can still

be grateful.

Hey, guys, big news. I just found out a manager is here from Panera. We nail

this, we're all going to get free bread bowls.

I think we have to stop getting excited about Dad's announcements.

And now for our next play. In the 1960s, a young playwright named Neil Simon

posed a question.

What if Broadway could be more Jewish?

Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple.

What a great day to be the last non -Hispanic man named Oscar.

Hi, Oscar.

Sorry to bother you, but I need a place to stay because my wife just threw me

out. Oh, that's too bad, Felix. Did she take the Nintendo Switch?

No, I grabbed it. Come on in.

Oh, good. I was scared to ask because we're so different. I mean...

Two white guys with slightly different standards of neatness sharing the same

apartment? And even though we both have solid careers in an era of famously

depressed New York real estate, it makes sense we should split rent. So that'll

be $40.

What? Yep. Three months up front.

All right. Let's play some 1960s cigar -chewy pulling -on -suspenders poker.

Oh, no. I just cleaned.

Whoops. Oh, man, different standards of neatness? This is definitely a play,

movie, and three TV shows worth of comedy.

I don't know. Shouldn't the fastidious one be the person who originally has the

apartment, not the person coming to stay there? Who cares if their guest is

neat? Don't poke holes in the premise.

I miss Rob Bass for this, and he was touring with Tone Logue.

What's up, Carl?

Now, tell me something. Do you like your medina not funky and hot?

No!

My favorite part is the pre -song banter. Well, time to read one of the 18

newspapers we have here in New York.

Ah, one plus of this era is I'll never forget how to spell the word

assassinated. Hey, do you guys think we're cowards for not fighting in

As much as I love killing babies, I'm happy to be right here in New York City.

Plus, if we were over there, who's going to spit on the soldiers when they get

back? Hang on, guys. I want to turn on the radio for the ball game so it

surprises us later in the play. And what else is going on?

Cleveland, I hear you're on trial for sexual assault. That was the last play.

Speaking of which, are you guys ever going to get us down?

We're working on it, Donna. Well, that's not good enough.

Let me handle this. As a cop, I've had a lot of experience stonewalling upset

women. I'll just mam her till she stops.

Ma 'am. Don't you ma 'am me. Don't you use that cop trick. You think I'm going

away? I'm not going away. You will get us down from here. You will give me

answers. And if you don't, I will find your superior and I will get answers for

him because I am not going to be ignored.

I want to get down.

Good news.

The Pigeon Sisters are coming over for dinner tonight. They're almost 23, which

means they're desperate to get married. And like all women of this era, I hear

the Pigeon Sisters have pretty prominent nests. Peter, my dad is in the

audience. All right? Please stay on book.

Also, I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.

Oh. Is this because I only have one rubber from the army for the two of us

split? It's got some miles on it, though, so you might want to use a

tie it down. I'm sorry, Glenn. I don't think this is for me.

Damn it, Peter, none of this is in the play.

But I'll give dating a shot. Just let me go to the bathroom and freshen up.

Peter, did you go in the prop toilet?

Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet.

Oh, boy, that's a biggie. Will Assistant Stage Manager Meg Griffin please come

to stage right?

And bring the grill tongs.

Welcome, ladies.

Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, it's a New York play, and I haven't

yelled anything out my window today.

Taxi! Hey, keep it down over there.

You keep it down.

Asking neighbors to speak at a lower volume is a hallmark of apartment -based

theater. So, tell us about yourselves.

Well, we were both lobotomized as teenagers for being willful. Yeah, and I

fiancé, but he was brutally killed in the war. And it's out of here. Home run

for Mickey Mantle.

Whoa, he did it. That son of a gun.

I'm sorry, ladies. Please continue.

Uh, Oscar, can we talk privately for a moment?

Sure, just give me a second. I just gotta use the plop sink.

Damn it, Oscar. I'm not comfortable doing this. It's all happening too fast

me. I miss my wife.

What's wrong with you? Those chicks are hot. And they live in our building, so

when things go south, we'll still see them every day. And often for a slow

Gate elevator ride.

Did you guys know that Picasso is still alive?

I was way off on that by like 300 years.

That's one small step for man.

God, this is so boring. I'm changing the channel.

Ah, here we go. The dating game. We're all going to remember where we were when

we saw this.

Hey, put the rubber on the radiator.

Chicks love it when the rubber's hot.

So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer.

Uh, that's right. And Oscar is a sports writer.

Writer's in two totally different departments on the same floor, but

Uh, listen, you're very beautiful, but so is the woman who just broke my heart,

so I can't in good conscience... You know what? This is a stupid play. No

guy in New York would ever turn down any kind of sex, especially in the 60s.

Come on, girls, we're going to my room.

There you go, Felix. Now you're getting the hang of it.

Wait a minute. That's my wife. It's our characters having sex, Peter, not us.

Oh, Glenn, is that a hot rubber?

Yeah, we women love that.

So you're really kicking me out, huh?

Yeah, get lost, pal.

I already found a better New York roommate.

Well, I'm out.

Boo, this sucks.

No, don't heckle Kramer. Well, that guy over there is a... Ah,

well, that's fitting, I guess.

Okay, I've got a medium and an XL murder ball jersey.

Who's not feeling anything from the waist down?

All right, and it's time for our final play of the evening, William

Shakespeare's Hamlet.

There's something rotten in Denmark.

That's Peter's fault. The grill tongs just broke it in half. We're dealing

it.

Good morrow, dear mother.

Thou wanted to seeeth me on this fine day in Denmark?

And that ball's gone.

Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle. Sorry, that was from the last play.

Sorry. Look, I called you in here because I have bad news.

Your father, the king, is dead.

Well, that's quite tragic, but I see no reason to descend into madness as long

as thou doesn't immediately marry someone he was related to.

So I married his brother, Claudius. Thou hast what?

Hey there, new stepson. Sorry I'm late. I was dealing with some of those jokers

from Norway.

Norway's our rival.

Listen, I know things are a little awkward, but remember, I'm still the

uncle you've always known, except now I'm having sex with your mom. And Mantle

is coming out to tip his cap to the fans.

Sorry, second radio.

Uh, Lady Archer's pulling on their bows with their overly developed triceps. Hi.

There's the rub.

Classy masturbation joke, son.

Dad? But you died.

That means you're a g -g -g -g -g -g -ghost.

Yeah, but calm down. This is Shakespeare, not Scooby Doo. So what are

here? Well, I came to tell you the truth about my death.

But first, since I'm a ghost.

Oh, my love,

my darling.

A lot of being a ghost is helping people craft.

So you said you wanted to tell me the truth about your death?

Oh, right. Son, my death was no accident. I was killed by my brother,

What? Everyone said your death was your own fault, that you ate pool chemicals

to not get COVID.

Well, yes, I do listen to Sir Joe of Rogan, but that's not how I died.

Claudius killed me, and I need you to avenge me. You got it, Dad.

Great. Also, there's a naked etching of Beowulf under my mattress that I need

you to throw away. Do that part first.

Oh, and I lost some money betting on ice fishing, so when a guy named Ivar shows

up, you gotta give him a hundred gold coins.

A hundred?

I don't even have that many.

Well, you better by the time Ivar comes.

He's 5 '7", which is enormous for our time.

Also, before I died, I told your mother I'd clean the castle eaves. Oh, for

God's sake, this is like so many things.

No, it's not, I promise. Just focus on the important stuff, okay? So again,

etching of Beowulf, that's the biggie, gotta get rid of it, then pay Ivar,

the eaves, and time permitting, revenge.

Greetings, fair Hamlet. It is I, the king's counselor, Polonius. Are you

You look like you're going mad.

Yeah, I just got some disturbing news.

Also, I took a lot of fentanyl, but I'm pretty sure it's the news part.

Ah, well, listen, there's supposed to be heavy rains tomorrow, and I heard

you're now the Castle Eves guy.

Why is everyone asking me to do stuff?

You dick!

This is why we need sword control.

I don't know. I think the play is pretty clear that my problem is mental health.

Now I'm supposed to give the to be or not to be speech, but I couldn't

it. So this is the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle.

Great moments are born from great opportunity.

And that's what you have tonight, boys. That's what you've earned here tonight.

One game.

If we played them 12 times, they might win 11.

But not this game. Not this 12th night.

Tonight, we skate with them.

Tonight, we stay with them. And we shut them down because we can.

Tonight, we few, we happy few, we band of stinky American college students

are the greatest hockey team in the world. I'm sick and tired of hearing

what a great hockey team the Soviets have.

Screw him! This is your time!

Now go out there and take it!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA!

USA! USA!

All right, Laertes. I hear Hamlet is plotting to kill me and also doing lazy

movie references.

So I need your help. Wait, that's your costume?

They ran out of Shakespeare stuff, and I didn't know what to do.

Sorry, it's been a frustrating day.

I just found out Sir Mix -a -Lot made a surprise appearance.

Who out there likes big bucks?

Hey, where's Quagmire?

Sorry, Cleveland, I'm kind of the leader of that fan club.

Have either of you seen...

I think I lost it when I smushed Lois' kid.

OK, it's obvious things are going off the rails, so we're going to skip ahead

the end.

Claudius decides to kill Hamlet. There's a lot of scheming.

A girl throws herself in the lake. Oh, oh, and I find a very disturbing picture

of Beowulf and three other guys under my husband's mattress.

You said it was just Beowulf.

It doesn't matter. I said to get rid of it.

I'm done.

What the hell? You said you took stage combat.

Yeah, on Zoom.

Well,

that was easy. Say your prayers, Hamlet. I'm going to kill you, and then I'm

going to the ice rink to watch that great Soviet hockey team.

I am sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets

Audience, do you believe in miracles?

U .S .A.! U .S .A.! Great job, son.

Now let's drag him behind the castle and violate his corpse.

Hamlet.

Let's give it up for the Quahog players.

saved the playhouse.

We sure did, Lois.

But the truth is, it wasn't our plays that saved this place. It was Quahog

legalizing Lauren Bobert over the pants handiwork in theaters.

What was once a boring night out became a celebration as men decorated the

inside of their pants and then fell asleep while women got left alone to

whatever the hell was on stage that they wanted to see. Everyone was happy.

Aye, there truly is the rub.