Original subtitles

Attention,

attention. The all -star jam session will begin in ten minutes.

Mmm, main lobby, main lobby. Come on now, move your heavenly keisters. I

got all eternity to wait on you now. Come on.

Mmm.

Fly up and see me sometime. All righty. Going up.

Way up.

Passing Rainbow Repair.

Small Planet Leasing.

Next stop, Floor 7003.

Department of Thunder and Lightning.

closing. For heaven's sake, please stand back.

Artiment of health styling, please.

Next stop, Heather Health Spa.

Door opening.

And right wing. Two, three, four, and left wing. Two, three,

four, and right wing. You know, I'm trying to get rid of my big ass.

And up.

Two, three, four.

All the way to the top, please.

way up.

Next up, the big guy.

Sir.

Sir.

San Diego.

I'm going to give everybody a handful of rice to throw, but be careful, it's

still hot.

Did you say the rice was still hot? I cooked it so it wouldn't hurt the bride

and groom.

Why don't you have them throw jello? It's softer.

You, uh, you want to see me, sir?

Absolutely. I got a little problem, George, and quite frankly, is cutting

on your angel status.

That, uh, that, uh, that, uh, why my wings haven't started growing yet?

I can't have my angels flying around here saying, hi, God, every time they

you in a cloud.

To tell you the truth, I don't, don't, don't, don't feel comfortable with it

either, sir. Good. And what's this? I understand you haven't been very happy

here. Oh, uh,

happy, but, uh, first of all, uh...

Heaven is a designated non -smoking area, and I've been smoking cigars for

years, Lord.

And you have an eternity to get over it, George.

Now, is that all that's bothering you?

Well, at the risk of sounding selfish, Lord, my idea of heaven was always

reuniting with my friends.

And most important, with my wife, Gracie. We were a great team.

I know, but Gracie is an angel, level six.

If you want to see her again, you'll have to earn your way to her level.

How do I do that?

I thought you'd never ask.

Meet Stephen Schumer, your ticket to level six.

Oh, you want me to help him?

I want you to teach him.

Well, what can I teach him? Teach him how to live, how to find love and

friendship, how to take control of his life.

Quite frankly, the guy's pathetic.

But me, sir, this fella needs somebody with experience.

Oh, you did it for a hundred years, and you were great.

I know, but I'm new to this angel stuff.

Consider it on -the -job training. I have faith in you.

Zelda will take care of you. Zelda.

You Zelda?

Zelda.

All information is strictly confidential.

By signing, you accept full responsibility for these items.

Any item not returned in its original condition may cause you to be subjected

an abbreviated eternity.

Now, now, Zelda.

Relax. Lord, if you only knew how overworked I am.

If I knew how much work there was up here, well, I would have gone to hell.

Here.

Sign.

Right. This reminds me of the time I signed with my first agent.

That was hell, too.

This is kind of nifty.

If I agree to all this, can I smoke cigars when I'm down there?

Sure you can, George. Smoke all the cigars you want.

Lord, I'm your man.

Good.

Just like the old days.

Only now my sponsor is bigger.

Oh, Mr. Schumer!

Wake up, Mr. Schumer!

Mr. Schumer!

It's one small step for angel kind.

Hey, man,

what are you doing inside my television set?

What does it look like? I'm stuck.

Get me out of here, quick.

What's going on?

Do you know who you are?

Of course I do.

But you say the same.

But you're George Burns.

In life, I was George Burns' comedian. Now I'm George Burns' angel, level

one.

Uh... Will you excuse me for a moment, Mr. Burns?

I've got to pee.

Sure.

Everybody's got to go sometime.

What is going on here? I was just lying in a super...

But mind my own business. And the next thing you know, I'm pulling George Burns

out of my TV, okay?

No, no, it doesn't.

Look, George, okay?

You're just a dream. I know it. You're a funny dream, and I like it. I really

do. But, you know, all good things must end. So I'm just going to, you know,

good night, George.

Let me ask you this, kid.

Do you think your purpose was just to be born, to die, and to make nothing but

bad choices in between?

You know, that's really deep, and it's probably right on the money, but I'm

going to sleep on it, okay? So, you know, if you'll excuse me, I'm just

sleep on it.

Stephen

Schumer.

Life history.

Born in 1954 on April 1st, no fooling,

wrote his first love song for his kindergarten teacher.

Was immediately expelled.

Chico, find the guy who had bite the gun. I gotta get out of here.

Oh, good.

I gotta call my doc.

Is there a phone here?

A phone! Phone!

L! Phone! No! Phone!

Here's your phone.

Operator, I need an international line.

An international line.

Oh, no, I need a Rolaids.

Miami.

Miami, Florida.

Yo, amigo.

Tienes, uh, Rolaids.

Rolaids. R -O -L -A -I... I... I

-I -I -I -I... This

is official cargo. Must leave immediately.

One last thing.

So far, so good. But I'll be happy when we get out of here, okay?

Hello, Dr.

Bromowitz.

Yeah, Dr. Bromowitz, this is Howie.

Howie, Howie Go.

No, I'm in Cuba. Yeah, Cuba.

Oh, don't ask.

Listen, Doc, I'm a little confused about my medication.

I took four Prozac.

Will that mix well with three Xanax? Or should I have stayed with the Thorazine?

Huh?

Hold on, Doc.

Senor. Sign these papers and you will be on your way.

What am I going to get? A dollar piece for these in the States?

Of course, Chico.

At least five to seven dollars each, minimum.

Please, sign here.

You got an honest face.

Good luck.

And please come back to Cuba soon.

Adios. No, no, no, not you, Doc.

That's it.

Looks like trouble, huh?

These are my cigars.

Mio. Mio.

Shit. Poor Hayes. Leave

these.

Move those.

Well, my friend, you can't search a cargo.

Why? I mean, is something wrong?

A portion of El Comandante's private cigars has been stolen.

Oh, my.

Which ones?

Once de Leon's. Once de Leon's. Oh, this is catastrophic.

Yes, it is.

Ah, look here.

These are the ones.

Hey, they say foreign deals.

But you're supposed to be possibly honest.

Well, these are the worst -looking cigars that I've ever seen in my entire

You of all people should have better taste than this, Senor Rodriguez.

That Fidel is really something, eh, you know?

He always sends our worst cigars to the CIA operatives. He likes to make the

American dogs think that our worst grade of horse meat is topsteroid.

And to bring him cigars, he'll also bring in the e -host responsible for the

fact of treason.

Fidel is furious.

Viva Fidel!

So glad to know that again.

Not you?

No, my dear Capitano.

Who authorized it?

Who cleared that plague?

phone, I would have.

Leave a message.

I probably won't get back to you. Make believe I'm dead.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Oh, man.

Weird dream.

Show me.

It's me.

Howie, remember?

Why don't you answer the phone? Come on, bro.

Pick up the phone.

Oh, no.

Come on. What are you, nuts in your soup, you puss? Answer the phone, kid.

Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I have to. No, no.

Are you there?

George. Why did you do that?

Well, divine intervention.

What'd I do?

Nothing, Howie, nothing. I was talking to someone else. Guess what?

I'm getting married.

I want you to be my best man.

The last thing you want to do is put the rings in my hand.

I don't want to hold any grudges. I'm the one with the grudge. Come on, come

Miami. We'll have our own little private Woodstock reunion.

When is this blessed event?

That day.

You want to buy a Cuban cigar?

Let me get back to you, Hallie.

I'll call you later.

You know, Miami's very nice this time of year.

What is going on here?

I'm your guardian angel, kid.

Don't ask me why, because I don't know why, but I'm here to help you, kid.

So why don't we cut to the chase and make it easy on both of us?

My guardian angel? It's guardian angel. Guardian angel is angel level number

two. I'm angel level number one.

What I propose is you go to Miami, you have a good time, a vacation.

Mr. Schumer is not doing very well today, okay?

Yeah. George, I'm a fan, I'm a big fan, but, you know, you're dead, and I'm not,

okay? No disrespect, but I've got enough trouble without the X -ray and

hallucinations, thank you very much.

Opportunity is knocking, kid. It's time to take control of your life. Now, you

have to go to Miami. Howie needs you. You need him.

Try to look at it this way. If you don't enjoy the experience, then you can

always have your misery right back.

You know, what you're saying sounds absolutely heavenly,

but I am not going to Miami.

Fortune in my cookie says I'm going to hell.

Roadside psychic has nothing to tell.

Show me as I live and breathe.

You look great.

Do you know how late you are?

Five minutes, but who's counting?

Yeah, five minutes if my plane was delayed two hours.

Hey, how was I to know? I was going to get a group of tourists who wanted to

drain Key West of all its alcohol. Come on.

So this is your tour van, huh?

It's more than a tour van. Yeah, you're really moving up. It's a big place.

How's

the

music business?

Peaceful.

The music business.

Yeah, peaceful. I don't call my agents, they don't call me. It's peaceful.

So what do you do for dough?

Plan weddings.

Weddings?

You gig with the greats.

You're the guy who wrote Kinky Kinky.

The greats are dead.

So are the royalty checks.

It's very dangerous for you to be here.

Castro's eyes are everywhere in Miami, my friend.

You must inform me the moment that you hear any news, okay?

You know, every time I get to Miami, I feel like I just woke up in a Gloria

Esteban video.

Now, there's your kind of girl, Sue.

Exotic, flamboyant, neurotic.

You know, at this point in my life, I've been the last thing I do.

You're the guy who wrote all those wonderful love songs. I thought you'd

one by now.

Oh, I see. I see. Mr.

Noncommittal's finally getting married, and suddenly he's an authority on

relationships. I admit, I have had my share of short -term, compulsive,

obsessive tricks. But at least, at least, I was looking.

Oh, really? What is it that I was doing?

You. You're looking for the most beautiful woman in the world you can

from. It's not about falling in love.

It's about self -loathing as a performance artist.

Yeah, well, maybe this time I'm saving it for the right girl.

What? One that can make your funeral arrangements.

Where is our base camp?

I've made reservations at the Delano.

It's Madonna's hotel.

Delgado says it is the classiest place in Miami.

We cannot afford such capitalistic decadence.

I have friends with coupons.

I refuse to indulge in this lifestyle.

Bring me to the place where the common people stay.

I want to experience a good life, Graciela, por favor. We are in America,

This is freedom.

Pull over. We stay there.

Oh, no.

Uh, here you go. Room 260.

And, uh, have a pleasant stay.

Excuse me.

There is no excuse for you. What?

Okay, there's my kind of loser. Quiffy, beefy, show me that you care.

Except for the lead and no TV.

Because the lead don't get it for me.

Well, it ain't no big thing.

Kiss me once.

Kiss me twice.

Come on.

It's not a very nice thing to do. It's clever, but not nice.

What's your problem, anyway?

My problem?

Well, I have no career, I have no work, and I have no money.

Does any of this qualify for serious trauma?

I think so.

Sorry, kid, I wasn't listening. What did you say?

I said... I heard you. I heard you.

What about love?

What about it?

You forgot to mention there's no love in your life.

Not everybody has a charmed existence like George Burns.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it. I've gone through plenty of

tough times, Junior.

I finally realized that life without love and friendship is like performing

theater that's empty.

You've got to start believing in yourself again.

Superb shot there.

How would you like it prepared?

Fricassee? Barbecued?

Poached? Tandoori, what else? I say, I say.

Oh, by the way, you had a call earlier, sir.

Because

you

detest being distressed.

Because you detest being disturbed while you're hunting and gathering.

Mindfulness.

That's the key to success.

Mindfulness.

It seemed like an offer for work, sir.

You've told me without a shadow of a doubt that you are retired.

So who was it?

He seemed to be a putney sort with a Spanish accent. He called himself

El Grande Cubano.

That'll be all, Alfred.

El Grande Cubano. I say, I say.

Fidel. Oh, sorry.

Fidel, Fidel. It's me, Chalene.

Good to hear your voice again.

How long has it been?

61 Miami?

Good old days.

Yes. So, my friend. What?

The Ponce de Leon's?

I said thieving pawn scum.

You're sending who?

You know I went alone, amigo.

All right.

All right for you.

You ought to try to work with him.

But listen, my friend.

You have to come to Miami.

You love it. You know that.

I know you're not allowed to, but who cares?

So, I give this airport guy a few bucks, and he did the rest.

So, wait a second. I think you're just running day trips for tourists.

I am, man. I am.

To Cuba?

Howie, last I remember, there's still a U .S. embargo.

Yeah, but cigars are hot these days in the feds. They're only looking for

so I figured cigars would be a piece of cake.

You know, the last time we sliced a cake together, I almost got five to ten

years to eat it. I'll beat him.

Yeah, but you've had it. Oh, you got greedy.

I got greedy.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot about your random fits of paranoia. If your

says you're paranoid, that doesn't mean someone isn't after you.

What's that supposed to mean?

You don't get it. I got my last dime on this, my honeymoon, my wedding.

Okay, all right, all right.

Now, we've established that you're still a schmuck after all these years, Howie.

Tell me about the bride -to -be.

Very, very lucky to get a girl like Carol. She looks like an angel.

Well, you know the old saying, marriages are made in heaven. Yes.

But in this case, I'm glad it's here. It's near San Diego.

What do you think?

A little loveness.

Mary.

Honey cakes.

I'm home.

My own private little Julia child.

What smells so heavenly?

Oh, honey.

I got a special dish for you tonight.

It's called kitchen catch a story.

Kitchen catch a story? Yeah. Sounds great. What is it? Well, it's a little

of everything in the kitchen, and I'm serving it up Italian style.

When's the story part coming?

Honey, that's the best part. When we're done eating, I'll tell you the story of

everything that I put in it.

This is Sumi. Sumi, this is Mary. The love of my life.

Hi. Oh, sorry about that.

I've heard so much about you.

I don't even know what I heard anymore.

You know how he's always prone to contradictory statements.

Yeah. Hey, hey.

So you nervous about Sunday?

Sunday?

No. I generally only get nervous on the last Friday of the year.

Mary. I was talking about Sunday, you know, the wedding.

Oh!

Oh. Oh!

Howie, that's so funny!

It is?

Yeah, because Howie said you might mention that. And you know, Sherry, the

thing is, we never RSVP'd because we never got an invitation.

What? I want to show you something in the back. We'll be back in one minute.

Okay. Yeah, we've got to talk.

No, I just traveled 3 ,000 miles to realize that I still don't trust you

anymore. You've got to help me, man. God helps those who help themselves.

I'm still doing community service for the last time I helped you. Idiot.

Hey, George, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm here to guide you, remember?

However, I'm starting to get the feeling that you're guide proof.

What's that supposed to mean?

You can't just run away from a friend every time you disagree.

George, he's up to no good.

Oh, and what good have you been up to lately?

You know, I don't know what you're talking about, okay?

Show me.

Who are you talking to?

Howie, I think I'm in the throes of a serious psychotic episode.

Look, if I share something with you, you've got to promise not to laugh at

have been in therapy for 30 years.

Nothing's funny to me anymore.

Howie.

I think I'm seeing an angel.

That's wonderful. What's her name?

Not a girl. Howie, an angel. Only until you marry him. So what's her name?

George Burns.

George Burns. George Burns. I'm seeing George Burns. George Burns.

Maybe you do need some help.

I don't think I'm losing my mind.

There is nothing wrong in your life that a little cash flow wouldn't fix.

We've received news that Castro knows the cigars are in Miami.

And so, in my opinion, you must be very careful, my friend.

Gracielita.

She then knows that we have a cigar. She knows we're in Miami.

It was to be expected.

How could I have been so stupid to think that someone like me could get away

with something like this?

Raul, stop sniveling.

I am not sniveling.

I'm whining.

Look, I'm not a thief.

I'm just a simple tobacconist.

Raul, you were Fidel's private tobacconist for 50 years. And when you

retire, what did he offer you? When we get our cigars back, the world will be

your ashtray. So be strong.

Marry this girl, okay?

Mary's confused.

She's heard 50 % of marriages don't work out. She's waiting for the numbers to

go down.

Resist your urgency to self -destruct.

Marry her.

Absolutely.

You are sick.

Sick, you know, man.

Pretty cool looking, huh?

Oh, yeah, Howie. They're absolutely beautiful.

If you happen to like pretty star turds. Yeah, well, I thought you could come up

with a good Hollywood story and we could turn a tidy profit.

Wait a minute.

You didn't have a buyer lined up before you called me, did you? No, I did, but

he backed out the last minute.

I completely understand how these turtles look absolutely worthless.

They are old, but they are old Cuban cigars, man. I mean, it's like wine.

Age has got to count more than beauty. Try one.

Wow, this is a tasty little puppy.

Check out the label.

Ponce de Leon.

The fountain of youth guy. Yeah. Could be old Ponce's private stash.

Robotted.

Smooth.

Too bad they're so ugly. Honestly, I couldn't give them away.

This shape's okay.

It's rolled all right.

I'll give you $2 .50 a piece.

You know something, my friend? Someone just offered me $5 each.

Offered what?

Offered I $5 each.

$5 each.

I'll give you $3 .25 right now.

My friend, you got it.

We're going to think about it, okay?

We're going to think about it.

All right, by me.

Good. We'll get back to you. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Three and a quarter. Three and a quarter each. We're rich. We're rich.

We're rich.

Howie, what just happened in there? What just happened is we found the sucker of

our life. Yeah. Yeah. A very eager sucker.

Howie. Too eager. Too eager.

Come on.

I got an idea.

Hola. Hola.

Hola, senor.

Whatever.

That's a good cigar.

You know, it's okay.

Now, before you say anything about cigars, I want you to check this out.

This is a real advance, all right?

But... There's no... Maybe I could find some interest somewhere, but... Can the

crap, Rico Suave. I already got a lot of money offered to me. I just want a

competitive bid.

Competitive? Si.

Competitive? Si.

Excuse me, I was wondering if you had... Oh, my.

That's a very unusual -looking cigar.

Do you mind if I... No, I'm sorry, sir, but did not fulfill yet.

Perhaps I could show you something else, something similar, yeah?

Be my pleasure.

How many of these do you have? How many do you want?

I'll take as many as you got.

$10 each.

Now, hold on, sir.

The gentleman was talking to me first.

The man just offered me $10 to pay.

$11. $11 .50.

Senor, my client has instructed me that if something special comes along, I can

offer the maximum $12 .50. But that is it.

$20. $25.

$50.

$100, senor.

$150. You got it.

$200, senor. And that is my final offer.

$200 going once.

$200 going twice.

Please.

$200.

It's a little too cheap for me. I'm out.

Best of luck.

We did, senor.

You got a cashier's check right now?

How many we talking about, senor?

Ten thousand.

I cannot do ten thousand. I cannot do as much as I can give. Bank.

I have to talk to my people.

I'm sure we can consummate our deal tomorrow.

Fine. You talk to your people, I'll talk to my people. And if both our people

think we're talking to the right people, you got a deal.

But I have a temper.

Temple, temple.

Knock yourself out.

Donala.

Now

we

have the golden thorns.

You know, for a guy who just... stepped into a million dollars, you don't look

very happy. What are these things, man? Who knows? Who cares? We just made a

deal for two million dollars.

What did you just take? What?

What did you just take? What?

What was that?

Oh, this. It's a vitamin.

You took a pill.

It's a vitamin. The doctor gave me a prescription.

You know, for a guy who's having celebrity hallucinations, you know what

talk. You're lying to me again.

Oh, we're lying.

What are you doing on this side of the road?

Pull over and take a bite of it.

Boys,

we can lay out here in the sun all day long, and we don't even need any lotion.

Yeah, watch this, boys.

Raul Delgado has called. He has located our cigars.

Okay, Delgado, that is a good omen. Ayúdame, Nacho.

Hey, baby.

Cielo.

I just saw Elvis.

Bravo. Elvis is dead.

Elvis has left the planet.

Uh -huh.

That's right.

Come,

we must go. Now I have an Elvis problem.

I love doing that, man.

He's almost there. I guess not. I think we're being followed. How do you know

he's not dangerous?

Honey, answer the door. I'm not here.

Hiya. Hola.

Doesn't your gold live here?

Um, well...

Senior Gold lives in Cleveland.

Junior Gold lives here.

But he's not home.

Señora, there has been a terrible mistake. Somehow our baggage and his got

up.

I thought that just people got mixed up.

Señora, we just want to exchange our belongings and be on our way. Excuse me,

Señora. I think your food is burning.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

I'm trying my best to be a good girl. cook, so I'm trying to make my mistakes

now. Why?

Why?

Because Howie's my knight in shining armor.

Men's idea of chivalry is opening the door for you as you take out the

Howie always opens the door for me.

Very well. Enjoy your bondage.

No, we're having cabbage.

Have him call us.

Senora, Senor Gold is very lucky to have a woman like you.

I know.

I think so, too.

Believe me, I should know. I've been hit by some of the best of them.

Okay, bye -bye.

This girl must die.

So you're thinking of taking the Ponce de Leon's for yourself.

It's just what I call partner panic insurance, George.

Right. I'm getting the notion that you're incapable of right thinking.

Those people get me nervous.

I know.

That's why you gotta exercise. I like that Mary.

She rings a familiar bell for me.

Kind of like Gracie, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, kind of.

What was it like being George Burns?

I mean, what were some of your favorite moments in life?

You mean besides being with Gracie?

Oh, getting out of bed and being able to say that I loved what I was doing.

Boy, I wish I could say that.

It's never too late, kid. Never.

To turn your dreams into reality.

Never.

You know, you're not a bad sort, Schumer.

It's just that you've been up to some sort of no good your whole life, and

have you got to show for it?

Hey, don't take advantage of me. You go along the way you've been going.

You're doing a real bang -up job, kid.

The mating dance of the sperm whale is one of the most interesting acts that

of nature.

The mating dance of the sperm whale. The mating, the mating, the mating.

Remember, gentlemen, this is America.

Try to blend in.

We will blend in. We will blend in.

Sorry,

comrade dude.

I see, huh?

Such decadence.

All of America looks like this.

Señor Schleen.

It is a pleasure to meet you, señor.

El Comandante speaks very highly of you.

¡Viva el Comandante!

This is Fidel's elite guard.

You see, they are our Castro's cousins.

But I can assure you they are the finest marksmen in all the world.

And very eager to serve under you, señor.

Attention! I

walk

alone, I walk alone, I walk alone, I walk alone.

Get them out of my sight. I

work alone.

Get them a new tailor. They look like an ad for ugly American magazine. I say, I

say, I say... Hi.

Bye,

Nina.

I'm very tired. I think I'm going to go to the room and think easy.

How can you even think about relaxing when our cigars are in someone else's

hands? Tatiana, there's nothing more that we can do tonight, okay?

We have to get back the cigars.

And we will.

Senor Gold has our cigars. We have theirs. The man will listen to us.

He's been trying to sell ours all day.

Yes, but he will not succeed.

Raul says don't worry.

When a man says don't worry, I worry.

Schumer, where are we going tonight?

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going out.

Good, good. Let's go out and enjoy life. It'll be good for you.

I'm just going out alone, George.

You want me to come up and make you some warm milk?

Yeah.

Warm milk, eh?

What a man.

That's it.

I just want you to know that I never would have gotten this far without you.

You're like my daughter.

Give me his ration.

His ration, eh?

You want a white ration or a black ration?

That. Here.

You be careful.

Hey. Hey, give my best to the senorita.

Duty called, boss.

See you in there after.

Oh.

Excuse me, senor.

I'm looking for a couple of associates of mine.

Raul Rodriguez and Graciela Dillard. Have you seen them?

I'm sorry, but we don't have anyone registered under those names. Are you

Positive. Okay, then.

Well, how much is the room?

How much is the room, senor?

Uh, what kind of room? A large room.

A small room for my dogs.

Oh, we, uh, we don't allow dogs.

Well, that's too bad for them.

W .C., it's me, George.

Listen, I, uh, I got the night off.

Mind if I sit here?

It's a free country, no?

You're relentless.

You do not like it, do not talk to me.

You know, in my country, people apologize for bumping into you.

So, you want me to say I'm sorry so you can forgive me?

Well, that's a little harsh, but yeah, maybe something like that.

A man can forgive a woman anything but her superiority.

Can I get you a drink, my man?

Yeah, I'll have one of whatever she's not having.

Okay. You are what is called in this country as a wise -ass, no? Yeah, that's

me. I'm senior wise -ass. Perhaps you've seen my movies.

Senior wise -ass, return of senior wise -ass, dawn of the living senior wise

-ass. Wait a minute.

You were senior wise -ass?

Cigars are a real big deal nowadays, aren't they?

Where I come from, they are the blood of my people.

Cuba, huh?

So how long you been here?

I arrived for the first time yesterday.

So how you like it so far?

I don't see any culture.

I don't see any teamwork. I don't see any passion. All I see is a shallowness.

Makes me want to throw up.

You ought to try L .A. For real.

Thanks to your embargo, there's no such thing as nice for the Cuban people.

What do you like when you're not so carefree and casual?

Hey.

Tell me a joke.

I don't know any jokes.

You don't know jokes?

Were they banned in Cuba?

Okay. I know one.

Only a man would try to make love in a canoe.

Wait,

that's it?

It's funny, you know.

Yes, it is funny, you know.

Hey!

I just got it.

I say, I say.

I say that's it.

Shower, shower and stay.

Geez, how did I do that?

Ladies, drop the spice and back away from the sauce.

Don't worry, sir. The jar's not...

That works.

Spice what?

Look, mister, you gotta let us go.

Tell you what, there's some cigarettes over there in that drawer. You're

to take them, okay? You just let us go.

My dear young lady, something very valuable has been stolen. Your

you're asking?

My Howie wouldn't steal anything.

Oh, no?

Then explain the cigar band I found in his woodshed.

It was windy yesterday.

Maybe it just blew in. From Cuba.

Well, it could happen.

Once I had relatives who blew in from Russia.

You were in the shed and there weren't any cigars in there?

Blew in from Russia.

If there were cigars in the shed, I should think I would have noticed them,

don't you?

Show me.

Show me.

So, you are a musician, Senor Shamo?

Yeah, well, I was when I was younger.

You do not seem sold to me.

Well, it's not the years, it's the mileage.

I understand.

You are a cynic.

Well, you know...

You scratch the surface of the cynic and what you get is a romantic that's had

his butt burnt just one too many times.

Have you written any songs?

Yeah, yeah.

Any that might have been, like, on the radio?

I had one little, uh, trivial dance tune called Kinky Kinky that was sort of a

hit. Kinky Kinky.

Yeah. Kinky Kinky.

You wrote Kinky Kinky. Oh, don't tell me you know this song. Kinky Kinky, yeah,

Kinky. It's a big hit in Cuba when I was young. I love that song.

Kinky Kinky, yeah.

What the?

Get up.

eat his paramedic in a pillow, I'll be the happiest guy on the planet.

I can't tell the difference between a merengue and a chocolate mousse.

How much are they? They're $10.

$10? I'll have 1 .275.

Here you go, madame. Did you buy this for me?

Yeah, here. Oops. Oh, keep the change.

Sorry.

Well, here's to roses and miracles.

Well, there you are, mi corazon.

Can I help you?

I need to speak to you, Graciela.

Who's the Cuban cuantimodo?

An old friend.

Really? An old friend like him? Who needs that of us, huh?

Of course, with your permission, senor.

Yes, all right. I'll be okay.

A nice little short conversation, I suppose.

You must return the Ponte de Leon, Graciela, and once you do, I'll make

that your sentence is minor.

I've always said that your Russian blood would get you in trouble.

Listen to me, Graciela. I know I treated you wrongly.

I guess you can help it, huh?

Leave with me now.

Together we'll have a fresh start.

I see you have developed a sense of the absurd, Emilio.

Twenty -four hours, Graciela.

Perhaps if I had my medication I could be more help to you My, uh, my pills are

over in the cabinet over here.

Which, which, which, which?

Oh, the cabinet by the oven. Which one's gonna be, huh? Prozac, Xanax, Xlax, Tic

Tacs? Bless you, Xanax will be fine.

Oh, you know, I'm thinking maybe Prozac would go better with dinner, honey.

Honey?

There's the bitch.

You can catch it, Howie. I knew it.

Just think of Joan of Arc.

Joan of Arc?

Yeah. All those people told her that she could never build that ark.

She showed them all.

Last chance, Joanie.

I'm glad you called.

You got me in a little sticky situation here, buddy boy.

I took the cigars. I should have told you first, but you know. Well, tell me.

Tell me where they are now.

Hey, Howie, I just met this beautiful girl.

I mean, she's a little too politically active for my taste, but man, she's

unbelievable.

No, that's great. That's exactly the way I felt when I met Mary. Now, where are

the cigars?

I just put them somewhere for safekeeping, okay? So why don't you and

on down and have a drink with us, you know, and we'll talk about it. Perhaps

I'll catch up with you sometime.

Yeah, cool.

Thumbline?

Man.

They only know how to leave a big impression by walking all over you.

You know, there's a saying.

Forgiveness is the fragrance left by a rose on the heel

that just crushed it.

You understand?

You and I are very much alike.

Great. We're alike. How?

Well, we both have had very much pain in our lives.

Well, you know, I know that you earn wisdom working through the pain.

Sometimes I just wish that life offered me a little less pain for a little less

wisdom. You know, sort of like a life sandwich on rye. Hold the mayhem.

But don't you see?

You are the one who's making the sandwich.

Well, in that case, I would like a grass yellow sandwich with nothing on it.

Kinky, kinky.

What have you got?

Well, I've got four jacks.

I count one, two, three.

What do you mean? One, two, three, and four.

You're a cornucopia of hilarity.

Unfortunately, I'm the plumber's helper.

Oh, now cut that out.

Yeah, well, you're both dead. Hey, George.

What are you doing?

Oh, Saturday night poker.

You and your friends have got to leave now.

Well, no, we're the full house.

King's over.

Right.

Well. Yeah, but you don't understand.

I've got a royal flush, and she's out there, and you're in here.

Capisce? My kid, he's, uh, he's found a girl.

I guess this game is over.

Say goodnight, gents.

Goodnight, gents.

Ah, yes, poker interrupted.

Poor Jack, and I still can't win.

Curvaceous little cupcake, though, don't you think?

Will the young lady be spending the evening?

Oh, George, I hope so.

You know, I'm a little rusty, but I just want to give it the old college dropout

try, if you know what I mean.

Schumer.

Try to think long -term.

Long -term?

Why? Good, if you meet somebody who fits the bill.

Take it from me.

Short -term gets you nowhere.

Huh.

You know something, George?

You are absolutely right.

Hey!

I got something for you.

This is a Ponce de Leon. It is the finest cigar in the whole universe.

I want you to have it and enjoy it on your night out on the town.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Listen,

kid, you sure are going to be all right without me.

George, for the first time in my life, everything's George, George.

Later.

What are you talking to?

What? Nobody.

Why?

I thought I heard you say George in here. Oh, no, that's just an expression

use. Everything's George. I say that when things are, like, going good in my

life.

So, everything is George, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

I will be the judge of that.

Warm milk's good, isn't it, son?

Mind if I join you?

Thank you.

Raul here is just about to leave the building.

Nothing far enough.

Oh, knock yourself out.

I'll be the saint, little buddy.

Look, I'm not trying to reject you. I'm just confused.

I love it when a man can rise to the occasion of a strong woman.

Yeah, and usually I'm that guy. But, you know, in this case, I'm trying to

balance, you know, short -term gratification against long -term misery.

you're so very, you know, you're very, very... What are you doing? What are you

doing? Do you have a cigarette?

No, I've got a cigar. Actually, it's Cuban. Would you like a cigar?

Here, try one of these. It looks ugly, but it tastes really good.

Let me get you a match.

One match coming right up.

Whoa.

Okay, okay.

I'll sleep with you, Graciela. Just put the gun down.

You're with Senor Gold, no?

You went to see Rico, yes?

Suave? Yeah, yeah. How do you know?

These are my cigars. I mean, they belong to the revolution.

What is the scoop with these stupid cigars?

Well, they used to belong to Fidel.

Now they belong to the people.

You took Fidel's... You took Castro's cigars? Yes.

I thought you'd come to Miami just to, like, party or something.

No.

Well, look, come on. Just relax.

You don't have to go... Don't touch me, Shumi.

Fine. Fine.

You can take the cigars. I don't want to have anything to do with them. I don't

want to have anything to do with you, for that matter.

But you don't know me, Shumi.

That's right.

I'm beginning to think you're absolutely right. I don't know you, okay? So you

want to talk? Let's talk.

My name is Shumi.

I'm a perspiring artist, and you're... I'm Graciela. I'm an anti -Castro

revolutionary.

Okay, this is good. This is communication.

This is good. You're a terrorist, and it's good to find the thing out, because

this is why people shouldn't just hop in the sack with each other. I mean,

you're a terrorist, right? You're a terrorist, and I could be a bedwetter. I

mean, it could be a terrible situation.

I'm not fooling around, Shumi.

Look, I'm not big on relationships either. I mean, as far as I'm concerned,

rather cut right to the betrayal and get it over with.

You're really funny.

I hate to kill you.

I'm really funny? You hate to kill me? Oh, Shumi.

Take your cigars. They're in the bathroom. And get out.

Who is it?

Where are my cigars?

Your cigars?

Regards from Howie and Mary in the Everglades.

No, we nearly aren't in the Everglades.

They are now.

Prove it.

If you'd like to see them again,

before the alligators make antipasto out of them, I suggest you

indulge me.

There's an old airstrip out in the swamp.

Exit 27.

Midnight tonight.

Bring the cigars.

And you'll get your two lovebirds. I say, I say.

Who was that jerk?

Chalene. I studied him when I was in training. I never dreamed I'd actually

him.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah. I'm splendid.

I say, I say.

She'll make your friends there in danger, and I'm to blame. Before

wouldn't have thought twice about sacrificing you or your friends.

But I will help you.

Hey, look.

I know you just want the cigar. That's all. I understand.

Nothing else matters to you. It's not true. I cannot fight a revolution based

innocent blood.

They're all there, even that piece of dirt, Emilio.

Not a bad way to start a second date, huh?

Still our first.

Remember, a few minutes, okay?

Go to Florida, have fun, see your old friend, maybe fall in love, you know?

Let's look at the bright side. Maybe I'll get shot. I won't have to look for

new place to live.

Thanks, George.

What the hell is that?

Confidential angel level one stuff.

Look, I shouldn't be telling you this, but you be very, very careful.

Careful about what?

I don't know what this means to you, but you're not the only one who loses here.

Loses?

What are you talking about? Loses what?

I got to get to angel level six to get to see my Gracie.

Well, how do you do that?

By guiding you right.

I'm incognito. I like it. I like it. I say, I say.

And what are my cigars?

La Ciela.

I made it.

Listen, there's an old Cuban legend that says if you take a cigar into the

battle with you, it just might remind you for a few moments.

Where your heart belongs.

This one's on me.

Thanks.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

To both of us.

Hi!

Didn't anybody ever tell you guys it's against international fashion law to

dress that hideously?

So who's the bad Fidel look -alike?

I came to make a deal, not judge a costume party.

Oh, I admire a man who's lost everything and can still joke. It heightens the

tragedy. For your information, my fine, floundering friend,

this is the Supreme Commander of the Cuban Revolutionary Party.

El Comandante to you, Fidel to me. El Comandante!

And guess what?

What? You have his cigars, and he's come to get them back.

Now look, why don't you just hand over my friends, okay?

Fidel here doesn't need any more bad press.

Trying to rescue you.

Thanks a lot. Yes, but who's going to rescue you, huh, Graciela?

You should have came with me when you had the chance, Graciela. You should

came with me. Mister, did anybody ever tell you that you look just like Desi or

Nez?

No.

Yeah? Well, if they did, I would have told them that they need a glasses.

You had to take the gag off, huh?

stop me from taking the cigars and killing all of you?

I blow up the truck.

Ah, a trump card.

Clever.

Your idea, no doubt.

How much are you willing to bet you'll be blown to bits before you have a

to touch that button?

You willing to take that risk?

Are you willing to take the risk?

Just hand over my friends, let me and my friends go, and you can have your

cigars.

Drop the detonator.

This is one of the things I can't do.

Wrong answer.

Enough of this, Colorado.

Just shoot him. Where?

I'll blow it. Right in the heart.

George! George!

I'm starting to get the feeling that you got proof.

Where are you, George?

I'm right here, kid.

You're in trouble, kid.

I was afraid of that.

Here you are.

Here, keep this.

Deliver it and him to the Department of New Arrival.

Thank you very much.

George, what's happening? Where are we? Well, you have no idea. How could you?

You mean, welcome to heaven?

Attention, attention.

The all -star jam session will begin in 10 minutes.

Heavenly lobby, heavenly lobby.

Mm, how do?

What'll it be, boys?

Department of, of, of, of new arrivals that we may make.

Oh, kid. Please stand back.

Impossible. This has got to be a mistake. I mean, I was almost getting my

together.

You're quite a character, kid, huh? You spent all those years trying to get

here, and now you're whining you want to go back. I've got to go back.

Dad, sure, you're dead.

You can't go back.

Passing floor 3926, department of near -death experiences.

Hey, there you go. Congratulations.

Take off.

I've heard of a helping hand. This is ridiculous.

Oh, let us block together.

Yes, well, listen, we got work to do. Next.

Look, I'm having a near -death experience, and I got to go back.

I got to get back.

What's your name, boss? Stephen Schumer.

Stephen Schumer. Stephen Schumer. Get the Schumer file. Quick, find the

file. Quick, quick, the Schumer the better.

We'll find that file. Don't worry, boss. I'll find that file in just a few

shakes of a lever.

Let's see. Come on, your time is running. Let's go. Where's the Shuma

Quick, where is that Shuma file?

Ah, here it is.

Let's see.

Oh, sorry, boss.

I'm afraid you're dead.

No, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. I can't see.

Excuse me.

Hey, boys. I may need your assistance with this plucking.

Oh, wait a second. Save me a wing. I'll be right... Oh, you're a brass man? Come

on. Come on. Let's go.

I wouldn't do what you're thinking of doing.

You're on your own with this one, Shuma.

Well, you know, I'm just taking control of my life, just like you said I should.

Good. Well, I guess you learned something after all, kid.

Well, hey, you know, that's easy to do when you've got George Burns as an

That's right. You could have ended up with Liberace.

Okay, now we got something.

Okay, now then. Where were we? Let's see now.

Hey, that's funny.

You were dead a minute ago.

Well, congratulations.

Take off.

Lucky me, huh? Yeah, it's your lucky day. I did it.

I did it. Come on, move along. Thanks, George.

Next. I'll miss you.

Next. I'll miss you, too.

Oh, Jimmy.

He's alive.

Run. Run away.

Divine intervention.

Don't shoot. I'm having a religious experience.

Come on now. No, no, come on.

Don't shoot. Put the gun down, please. Don't shoot anyone, please.

I need to kill these men. No.

I don't know if this means anything to you, but I have a real problem dating a

woman that's just killed someone. I call it a quirk of mine.

Look, this is probably the wrong time to say this. I've been a failure at every

relationship I've ever been in. I leave the toilet seat up. I drink milk out of

the bottle. I snore all night long. I grit my teeth.

Sherman, just say it.

Oh, that courting.

How romantic, Howie.

Come back to Los Angeles and be with me.

Francisco, what do you say? Put the gun down.

You could come back to our house. I'll cook us up a great meal.

For a second thought, shoot me.

In due respect to you, senor, I wish you best of luck with her.

Thank you for sharing. Get out of here. Please, go.

You are a man blessed.

I am humbled.

Amigo, I know a place on the South Beach.

Wait a minute.

All right, Dios.

You didn't blow up our cigars.

They're not our cigars, Howie. They never were our cigars. They're her

Well, they belong to the future of the new revolution.

But now they could belong to our future as well.

All of us.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

I guess I didn't do too good. Is that why you're not here?

George, you did a splendid job.

Congratulations.

I did?

I thought, sure, you'd be all ticked off.

Why? Shumi took control of his life, exactly the way I planned it.

Is there something bothering you, George?

I don't want to be a pest, Your Lordship, but seeing how I didn't fail

if you will remember, remember.

Not now, George.

People are watching.

Oh, it's been a long time, Gracie.

I'm not sure it would be a prim or a proper thing to do, George. Prim or

Gracie, we're a married couple.

Well, you may think so, George, but remember our vows until death do us

Well, guess what, George? What does that mean?

You're not going to be my little Gracie anymore?

Well, that depends.

Depends on what?

On whether you're thinking short term or... Long term.

Gracie.

What about forever?

Is that long enough?

Well, it's a start, George.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Goodnight, Georgie.

Won't you dare to take me with you To the world of

the unknown If angels talk about

miracles They know that I needed you

When you look into my eyes

Scott and Janice Joplin spend eternity market shopping, don't you know?

Gertrude Stein and Liberace, our dancing crotchy crotchy trades with our...

We'll be right

back.

And that grand old folk of Graham is happy as a clam. What a girl.

She's a girl.

Marvin Gaye and Paul Revere go fishing off the pier past the door.

Charles Leonard and Groucho Marx have a puppy in the park. What a lark.

Bill and Ben and Alex and the Cram.

Thank you.

Moon and Lucille Ball are at your beck and call overall.

And here comes 12th Committee. The Welcoming Committee calls the call.

Wolfgang Amadeus is heading for the sales with Mama.

And over at the pearly gates for the time -hands paper plates to Papa.

Oh, she, she, but when it comes to me, I won't be there till later.

Jeez, I hope they hate her.

The wall is a tiny town.

Whoever in the neighborhood, drop on down.

The wall is a tiny town.

Whoever in the neighborhood, drop on down.

Drop on down.

24 hours a day, 7 days a week for all eternity.

So take your time. We'll be here.

Goodbye.