Original subtitles

I don't think this is working out the way that I expected.

I mean, do you do this to everybody?

No, I don't do it to everybody. You're my first client.

I'm kind of like a virgin at this.

Oh, you don't say.

Look, tonight is your night.

I just have a feeling about this. It's going to be great.

Leave everything to me.

What do you mean? I'm not the type of guy to just get a girl and ride off into

the sunset.

What was that for?

I saw General Patton do that in a movie once.

Do you really think I showed you all those things and did not have a lesson

behind them? Come on, there's one secret of life that's been in front of your

face the whole time.

You have the gift to accomplish anything you want.

What was your biggest childhood dream?

Well, I mean, I wanted to have my own photography studio.

Why didn't you fulfill that?

I don't know. I'll tell you why.

Because a lack of confidence and lack of self -esteem has held you back.

Do you think that John F. Kennedy got the bang Marilyn Monroe because of his

lovely coiffed hair?

Oh, no, but... No! It's not what you got.

It's how you use it. If you have a large nose...

Let it shine.

You ever notice how fat guys always get gorgeous girls?

Or even fat girls get gorgeous guys?

Because they utilize even their bad traits to their advantage.

You see?

I guess.

So what if you're not exactly buff and live in a run -down shack?

It's what's inside of you that's going to turn heads.

My point is this.

Do you want to change your life?

Well, yeah.

Sorry, not convincing.

Say it again.

Yeah.

Not try harder.

Yes. Well, go get ready for tonight.

Right.

Go.

You know, this just might work.

He's right, you know.

I'm sure you've seen it too. It all makes sense now.

I've just been terrified to let go and go for it. The fear and anguish of my

pathetic life is done.

He wants attitude, I'll give him attitude.

No more acting like a loser. You again.

Sorry, buddy, we don't allow freaks in this establishment.

I suggest you change your mind, or we're going to have a serious problem.

Excuse me? You heard me.

Now step aside.

All right, man.

Have a good night.

No more Friday nights sitting at home.

Look out, world. Here I come.

Nicely done.

Okay, so here's what you're going to do. See those three beautiful girls over

there? You're going to look at them, give them a big smile, then take the

away, turn around, and look at your watch.

Why would I turn around?

Trust me.

Okay.

What's the guy got to do to get a drink around here?

Sorry about that, man. We're going to get you.

Uh, let me get a fuzzy navel.

You're not gonna get a fuzzy navel! Are you kidding me? You gotta be a macho,

nacho, dick -dip kind of guy!

Okay? So order something a little more manly! Manly!

Manly! Let me get a whiskey sour.

That's much better.

You wanna do something really smart?

Say hi to that girl over there. She's giving out all the signals.

What, right now?

Yep.

Come on.

What should I say to her?

You should say nothing. Just show her your sexiest look.

Okay.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm absorbing all of you. Of course. I'm just absorbing all of you.

Really? Because you look a little constipated.

May I please sit down?

Is the seat taken?

Um, no.

Would you like to join me?

No. I asked so I can fuck your imaginary friend.

No, I asked because I wanted to fuck your imaginary friend.

I was kidding!

What? I mean, I'd love to join you.

Okay.

Ask her if she comes here often.

So, do you come often? No, come here often. I mean, to this establishment. Do

you frequent the bar?

Oh.

Yeah. It's my second time. I just moved to the area.

Really? Where are you from?

I'm from Salt Lake City.

Forget about it. Tell her never mind.

What? Why?

Are you okay?

Just do it. I'm sorry.

Sorry? For what?

Hey, where are you going?

Where are we going?

Don't worry about it. You'll understand in a little bit.

I think she actually liked me.

Just go by the toilet.

Who am I kidding?

Do you really think you could just wake up in the morning and become someone

else?

What the hell? That girl, she was into me. Why did you have me walk away?

I had you walk away because she was into you. It has to be just right.

I don't get it.

If you appear to be too available, then you appear too lonely.

But I am lonely.

You don't want them to know that.

Them? Yeah, the two girls from the bar.

What about Diane?

Her too.

Look, you're not going after just one girl in this situation.

What, three?

Ah, you finally got it. I knew you were a smart guy.

Yes, three.

Okay, let's go back to the party. What do you say?

Come on. All right, let's go.

Left foot, right, left, right. Keep marching.

Oh, hi.

Hey, ladies.

Hey, are you here with that girl over there?

Tell them you're waiting for them.

I was actually here waiting for you two, and here you are.

Wow, I haven't heard that one before.

So, my friend and I have a bet. Do you think you can settle it for us?

Uh, sure. What is it? Well, Katie thinks you're some entrepreneur, and I think

you're in the music business.

You're actually both wrong.

You are living the dream.

I'm just living the dream.

What does that mean?

I actually have a photography studio downtown.

It's actually one of the biggest in the city.

Oh, really?

So you must have photographed some really famous people then.

I guess you could say that. Have you ever heard of Marilyn Monroe?

Of course. You're going to tell us that you photographed her?

No, she's dead.

No, silly. She's dead.

It's her great -granddaughter. I've shot her a bunch of times.

Wow, that's so cool.

You're cute.

What was that?

You heard me.

Walk away.

Excuse me. I so want him.

There's something about him that's just so hot.

Can we join you?

He's got to be shitting me.

I told you so.

Yeah, of course. Sit down.

Thank you.

Tell him to settle a bet.

So I was wondering if you can help me settle a bet with myself.

A bet with yourself?

Yeah, a bet with myself.

I'll look at that again.

Who's the best kisser?

I couldn't believe what was going on. I mean, me, 5 '10", 150 -pound dweeb,

sitting there with two smoking hot women arguing over who kisses best.

This simply was the most amazing moment of my life.

Hey, get back here.

And if that's okay, I'll be the judge.

Really? Right now?

Pretty good, huh?

Very.

Now it's my turn.

Notice Diana's looking over.

What should I do?

Wave her over.

This simply was the most amazing moment of my life.

Now, when she gets to the table, tell her you have a dilemma you need her help

with.

A second opinion on judging.

What, are you crazy?

Works every time.

Well, I see you have your hands full.

Yeah, I have this small dilemma, though. Something I can wonder if you can help

me out on.

Oh, so you walk away from me, and now you want my help?

Tell her you thought she was a Mormon.

Listen, I'm sorry. Earlier, when you said you were from Utah, I really

you were a Mormon.

A Mormon?

Honey, I'm far from a Mormon.

Thank God.

So now you can ask her to judge the contest.

Yeah, so I have this kissing competition, and I really could use a

opinion.

What do you mean?

What do you think?

I want you to kiss him, of course.

What's in it for me?

Well, I'll throw myself in the Warner Circle if it's any consolation.

Where'd you think that of? That's great.

I learned it in a movie.

Oh.

Well, I'm not going to lose this one, so... Okay.

And so, my friend, having faith in yourself can go a very long way.

Now that you have the three of those girls eating out of the palm of your

I have only one question to ask you.

Why isn't the party starting?

I thought this was the party.

No, they're still wearing their clothes.

Just ask them if you can go to their home and have some fun.

I'm going to get this party started.

Yeah, let's go to your place. I bet you have a huge house.

Sure.

Are you crazy? That place is like a medieval dungeon.

Actually, my house was just painted.

Anybody else?

Well, my place is only a couple blocks away.

Well, I've settled in.

That's my boy.

Oh, my God. Hey.

Hi. Mike? Let me meet up with you guys. Okay.

Hi. Hi.

It's so good to see you. Great to see you, too.

How's everything?

Keep your cool now.

Another day in paradise, as you can see. Looks like you're doing really well.

Yeah.

Let's go, darling.

Well, I have to go.

Doctor's orders.

Expose him.

No, I actually thought that he made all that money putting you on that website.

Website?

It was good seeing you.

Take care.

Claudio?

What website?

I'm sick.

Some big fat dick.

Yeah, get it, baby.

Get it all wet.

Oh, and she just took it, too.

It's my turn, lady.

I haven't gotten a taste yet.

It's a good girl.

She's doing so good.

Oh, it's okay. I want to see how many I've done.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Oh, my God. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank

you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get it. There we go. Perfect.

Oh, my God.

Right there. Oh, yeah, baby, baby, baby.

Hold on.

Oh,

God, baby.

oh my god yes oh

my god yes oh my god yes oh

my god yes

Flip around.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get right at this ball.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck yes, baby. Get it to him.

Get it to him.

Oh, fuck yes.

Oh,

yeah, that's hot.

Oh,

fuck.

Completely unbelievable situation, I must say.

These are without a doubt the three most beautiful women I've ever laid eyes on.

And they're all over me.

Life's pretty funny sometimes.

You could truly go from one end of the spectrum to the other.

All you gotta do is know how to be yourself.

I guess you could say I'm over Liz.

She figured out she was one of the most down -to -earth girls on the internet.

Please, please, don't leave. Don't leave.

I'm glad I wasn't around for that one.

Plastic surgeon, my ass.

Why don't you sew some foreskin on that lip, you dickhead?

And after leaving Claudio, she sued him and took everything he had.

And me?

I went on to live out my dream, running my own photography studio.

Which, I might add, is one of the biggest firms in the city.

My best friend, Jared.

Even he works for me now as one of my photographers.

Do you like Belgian men that cook?

I do.

Fuck, you're so fucking hot.

Those jeans.

You're going to sell millions. That ass is going to sell millions.

Oh, my God. What are the chances of me and you doing something after this?

He still pays for sex, though.

Something that maybe involves a candle wax and nipples?

Well, sometimes.

Candle wax is going to cost you extra.

Okay, what about if the candle wax is on my nipples?

I got to admit that crazy Uncle Ronnie is right.

It's all about the confidence.

Be who you are.

Own it.

It's not what you got.

It's how well you can fake it. You said it, my friend.