Original subtitles

♪ it seems today that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪

Boy, everybody's here.

Why do you think we're gathering?

This isn't about the soiled pants in the toilet, right?

'cause I hadn't heard about that.

Good morning, employees.

As some of you can tell by my face,

I have some exciting news.

But first, a pair of husky-size green pants were found

In the men's room, positively destroyed.

(whispers): That's what I hadn't heard about.

Now the exciting news.

The brewery is transitioning to an open floor plan

And will be called the pawtucket patriot campus.

To help explain the transition to our futuristic workplace,

I'd like to share a video from our investor,

The confusingly charismatic wework lunatic.

Hey, I'm the guy from wework.

My foremost goal is to facilitate

An experiential bandwidth of synergy.

Hammock desks, scooter desks,

And the world's first desk-desk.

The only desk that functions as a working desk.

I have been the wework lunatic, please don't google me.

Our new office will also have

A lady chef who only makes vegan food,

Pinball machines, and nursing pods.

Lastly, as we transition to our new open floor plan,

The brewery will be closed

For the next two months for construction.

Yes, griffin?

Are the nursing pods, l-like, for anyone?

If I ordered a whole cornish game hen,

Would anyone have any?

I'm in for a wing. What's the occasion?

I just found out the brewery's closing

So they can turn it into the kind of workplace

You only see on tv shows.

Work's been crazy for me, too.

We have this case-- guy died on his birthday,

And-- get this-- his family had gotten him

An ice cream cake.

You know, the kind with ice cream inside

As the cake part?

(laughs)

Wild stuff. So I'm at the scene...

This story is already too complicated and boring.

Peter, take over.

My amazon guy once delivered batteries

-To pat sajak. -No way!

How did he know there were batteries in the box?

You know, whenever they ship a battery,

They got to put that little warning label on the box?

That's how.

It could've just been something with a battery in it.

No, he said he shook it real hard.

I-I think the focus of this story is

More pat sajak than the battery part.

Hold on. There's no way that story was better than mine.

Hey, brian. What's all this?

Oh, just following in the rich tradition

Of hemingway and faulkner

And putting a little damage on the old liver.

Another rosé, brian?

Put a spritz on it.

So, is, uh, watching tiktoks of underage girls

Also part of your writing process?

The best writing happens when you're not actually writing.

I just wish my muse would speak to me.

I'm having a tough time finding an idea for my next novel.

Well, I'd tell you about one of my murder cases,

But apparently I'm a bad storyteller.

-Murder case? -Oh, yeah, we had one last year.

All signs pointed to the husband.

-What happened? -It was the husband.

You know, we have a whole file of cases in quahog

That would make great stories.

A lot of murdered women out there, bri.

Half of them named britney, half of them named lacey.

That's one piece of advice I always give young parents:

Don't name them britney or lacey.

Yeah, sad stuff.

You know, true crime is huge right now.

You could be sitting on a gold mine.

A gold mine, huh?

And this whole day I thought it was just a smushed dook.

Announcer (on tv): We now return to curb your enthusiasm,

Where jeff garlin just repeats everything larry says.

So, I put on the shirt.

You put on the shirt!

I paid for it.

You paid for it!

I'm starting to think you're, uh,

The weakest link in the cast.

Easily the weakest link!

Peter, the bank called to say we're overdrawn,

And the credit card company sent us a letter

That just says: "bitch better have my money."

Visa sent that?

God, they can do whatever they want in delaware.

Thanks for nothing, sleepy joe.

I wonder if this has anything to do with me not getting paid

During the brewery renovations.

Wh-what do you mean "not getting paid"?

Well, preston said we're all transitioning

To being independent contractors.

The downside is we're losing our health insurance,

But there's gonna be a pinball machine in the break room.

Peter, we can't afford to go two months

Without your paycheck.

You're gonna have to find a job in the meantime.

Lois, don't worry. I got it all figured out.

(shoes tapping)

"dear mr. Griffin, we regret to inform you

That we cannot offer you a space."

-(shoes tapping) -(singsongy): Another big dance check in the mail.

I was just five years away from three figures a month.

(shoes tapping slowly)

Joe, this stuff is great.

Yep, one man's murdered, estranged wife

Is another man's treasure.

Brian, I'm gonna have to ask you to put down the severed limb.

I brought this from home.

Drop it. Drop it!

Ah, damn it, you said "drop it," so now I got to drop it.

You know, we should team up and write a true crime novel.

You don't happen to have any cases

Featuring pretty blonde women, do you?

No, those get solved pretty quickly.

This victim was brunette and a little heavy.

Okay, getting warmer.

We'll just change a few key details so people care.

Gutierrez? Nope, gordon.

Murdered on an indian reservation?

Let's try beverly hills.

I'm thinking we go novel, podcast, docuseries,

Then full-blown blockbuster.

But we'd also be doing this for the families, right?

Is that a new streaming platform?

No, like, the families of the victims?

Oh, right. Yeah, sure.

In fact, we'll give them a sliver of the proceeds.

And I'll give the fictional version

Of their daughter bigger boobs.

Like-like real heavy naturals.

Oh, yeah, that sounds like a good compromise.

Your special cart, mrs. G.

Just gave the wheels a fresh coat of wd-40.

Why, thank you, james.

Oh, roberto, if you weren't missing half an arm,

I'd definitely consider it.

Oh, how's the 6029s today, hmm?

Oh, mrs. Lois, very fresh.

What's she talking about, mommy?

(laughs) kale, dear.

It's insider speak for kale.

That can't possibly be a thing.

Let me just find someone to make sure.

Oh, looks like someone got pulled from the night shift

'cause I've never seen this free sample.

-Peter?! -Man (over speakers): Ladies and gentlemen,

We have a plot twist on aisle four.

I'm the assistant manager who thinks work should be fun,

And definitely not a corporate spy

Here to keep unions from forming.

But now that we're talking about it,

Can you imagine if you had a grievance

And couldn't talk to me directly?

Anyway, I'm elliot,

And I'm paying close attention

To who posts what on the break room cork board.

♪i've got home internet from t-mobile.♪

♪it only costs $50 bucks at t-mobile.♪

♪just one cord to set up.♪

♪say goodbye to that truck.♪

♪oh, what a beautiful mornin'...♪

♪oh, what a beautiful day...♪

♪they won't raise your rates at t-mobile...♪

♪you'll get a great deal every day!♪

Home internet from t-mobile...

Just $50 bucks a month.

Peter, what are you doing here?

You told me to get a job, and they were hiring.

I love it here!

Plus, they let me joke around

With the wells fargo guys who work here.

Yes, I'd like to make a deposit, please.

Is it another 100 grand chocolate bar?

Okay, so I've had you before.

Peter, the grocery store is kind of my domain.

While I'm glad you got a job,

I don't love that you got one here.

Don't worry. You won't even know I'm here.

Unless you're near the front door,

Which I can open with the force.

Excuse me, where are the peanuts?

Aisle seven.

Peter, peanuts are on aisle two.

Eh, I just tell 'em whatever number,

And then I disappear into the produce mist.

Peter? Peter?

Peter (echoing): There was never peter, only loose carrots.

The body was discovered around 9:00 p.M.

Unfortunately, I couldn't make it down to the crime scene

Because there were no ramps.

Okay, I'm gonna write:

"tonight, all the streets in this town

Were a dead end."

I never saw the body.

It was cold, so they sent me on a coffee run.

My lap can accommodate two trays,

And I can't feel the spills.

"she was found in a creek, her bosoms frozen solid."

She was a heavyset 60-something in welder's coveralls.

"no one from beverly hills had ever been strangled

By their own cheerleader skirt before."

(gasps)

Wow, I can't believe I'm seeing how the sausage is made.

Hey, so when you open a book and you see "random house,"

Is that something we come up with?

Uh, no, that's-that's the publisher's name.

I see. Just drinking it all in.

And what about the list of cities you see under that name?

Because I was thinking we should put new york, paris, kokomo.

Those are just the cities where the publisher has offices.

And kokomo isn't a real city, joe.

Try telling the beach boys that.

I don't know what our title should be yet, but beneath it,

It should say: "soon to be a major motion picture."

I always buy the book when I see that.

Why don't we just focus on the writing?

Oh, hey, you ever see books

Where the edges of the pages are gold?

-Yeah? -So cool.

What is going on in here?

Who put price tags on all the cans?

And why is everything labeled 69 cents?

Peter (muffled): Griffin family grocery is currently under renovation.

Please excuse our dust.

Peter? Where are you?

Staring at butts from behind a one-way mirror.

And why'd you rearrange everything?

I just want to find my vitamins.

Cupboard four. No, that's cupboard seven.

No, wrong way.

I'm not... Is it warmer or colder?

Cupboard four. Cupboard four.

(alarm blaring)

Ma'am, don't worry, this happens all the time.

I'm sure you have your receipt.

What? No, I don't have a receipt.

Okay, then, we're just gonna go to the office,

Call your parents, and send you on your way.

-Daddy, I just... -There are gonna be some changes around here.

First off, no more lipstick.

That's how all this trouble started.

Okay, so we just need the ending.

Who was the murderer?

Oh, I have no idea. It's a cold case.

That's what makes 'em cold-- no one knows how to solve 'em.

Well, how do we finish our novel

If we don't know what happened in real life?

-Ghost cop. -No.

Do you know what this means?

We're gonna put on our sherlock holmes hats

And solve the murder ourselves?

Deerstalker hats, joe. But yes.

Stupid nonwriter!

Okay, brian, now, when you're visiting

The family of a deceased victim,

You need to hold a hat over your chest.

It shows you care.

All I have is this crown from our burger king lunch.

Hat's a hat.

How can I help you, officer and your highness?

Hi, yes. We're here with many questions about your daughter.

You know, the dead one? You-you remember her?

We'd love any details.

Is this some sort of sick joke?

I assure you it's not, ma'am.

We're writing a future hit novel

Based on your daughter's murder.

We just need to know who did it.

And, between us, it'd be great if one of you did.

What is this? What do you want?

Did you know jonbenét ramsey's dad

Dated natalee holloway's mom?

What does that have to do with our case?

Well, nothing, it's just kind of weird, right?

Do you happen to have any grainy video footage

Of her singing an emotional song at a talent show?

Maybe green day's "time of your life"?

That would really bust this project wide open for us.

You're both unwell.

Well, that was a bust.

Sorry, I've been holding this in since burger king.

Oh, seriously? You're just gonna leave that there?

These people have suffered a terrible loss.

At least cover it with leaves or something.

Ugh, fine.

Joe, look. I found something.

-It's a key to a storage unit. -How do you know that?

Yeah, me and bonnie have been doing a fun role-play thing

Where she dresses up like a sexy maid

And then locks me in a storage unit while guys come over.

-Oh. -Yeah, it's pretty kinky.

I, uh, I play the role of a sexy armoire,

Waiting in another room.

Sounds like she just wants you out of the house for a while.

Nah. No.

It's okay, lois. It's a big store.

You may not even run into peter.

Good morning. How much are the mussels?

$34 a month at bally's total fitness.

-(bell chimes) -peter?

Why are you behind the fish counter?

I got a promotion, emphasis on the "otion."

-(bell chimes) -fine.

What do you got that's fresh?

Well, I got a teenage son at home.

-What a mouth on that kid. -(bell chimes)

That's it! You have ruined groceries for me!

Get the hell out of my store, you imbecile!

Um, excuse me, miss, did you just yell at this employee?

You're damn right I did.

He has no business being here.

This man is a member of the stop 'n shop family.

He has every business being here.

You, on the other hand, will have to go.

You're banned from the store.

(chuckles nervously): What? No.

Y-you can't do this.

I have shopped here my whole life.

Yes, we know. If it's any consolation,

You'll be in the "in memoriam" section

Of the grocery store oscars.

("I will remember you" by sarah mclachlan playing)

♪ I will remember you ♪

-♪ will you remember me? ♪ -(cheering)

-♪ don't let your life... ♪ -(man coughs)

Lois: No! No, no, no. You can't put me after betty white.

Didn't brenda vaccaro die or something?

(gasps) no.

I live here in aisle four with the kotex tampons.

(wheezing)

Still more absorbent than the leading brand.

(wheezing)

The worst part is, I can't even go back

To my favorite grocery store.

I personally think you should give peter a taste

Of his own medicine and get a job at his special place.

The men's room at logan airport?

No, the drunken clam.

Oh, okay, 'cause he had this one experience there

That he still talks about to this day,

But that is an intriguing idea, bonnie.

I'm glad you think so.

Well, as white women in conversation,

We're now obligated to spend five minutes

Talking about sedona, arizona.

-Oh, I'd love to go. -I know.

My friend linda got a massage there after her divorce.

And my friend trish bought a painting there.

-Oh, we got to go. -We got to go.

Hey, you two haven't seen peter, have you?

Asking as a waitress trying to teach him a lesson

By working at his favorite place, not as his wife.

Whoa, check out the turd-cutter on the new chick.

That's right. I work here now.

I'm gonna be here all the time.

Oh, how does it feel to have someone invade

Your special space?

It feels great!

Speaking of invading special places,

How about this?

Hey, sweetie, when do you get off work?

Me and my wife are more friends at this point than anything.

Don't get me wrong, she's a great gal,

Raised my children, but time takes its toll,

You know what I mean?

What? My wife and I have an arrangement,

So I'm not doing anything wrong here, technically.

Ah, well, this isn't working.

If you want to meet me in my car later,

It's the one with the "blue lives matter" sticker.

But, like, not for cops, it's for, it's for grover.

Who's going in first?

Kind of feels like you should since you're a dog.

Are you scared, joe?

Would a scared person do this?

-(screams) -not so fast.

(serial theme playing)

Who is that?

I'm guessing it's the lady from serial.

Oh, I certainly wouldn't recognize a podcaster visually.

-I'm sarah koenig. -Big fan of your work.

No one turns another person's suffering into profit better.

Listen up, I want this case for my podcast,

So you need to drop it.

And if you don't, I could make you disappear.

We're sponsored by casper mattresses.

That wasn't a threat. I have a code if you want it.

Man: Stand down, sarah.

I'm keith morrison,

And I want this case for dateline.

There are only a few hundred unsolved murders left,

And there's a million true crime content creators.

My grandson taught me that term.

Who's "okay, boomer" now?

We're npr's team of women with lisps

And names nobody's ever had,

Like sylvia delgado-smith, and audie takahashi o'shea.

I'm chris hansen from to catch a predator,

And I'm just here in case any of you

Turn out to be pedophiles.

Warm chocolate chip cookie, anyone?

No! I claimed this cold case for serial.

Not if I record a dateline first.

(all grunting)

(choking)

♪ ♪

(screaming)

(grunting)

Please... Rate and review my life.

And someone take care of my dog

You could usually hear in the background of my podcast.

(gasping)

(grunting)

A foggy night at a storage unit in quahog.

The sleepy little town of quahog

Is usually all tucked in by 10:00 p.M.

(clamoring)

You know what? We're no better than them.

We've been exploiting the victim's life

For our own personal gain.

I-I think it's time for us to abandon writing this book.

Or... Maybe we set it to rap lyrics and take it to broadway?

I think we're done here.

You know, joe, even though it didn't work out,

It was nice to spend some time with someone

Who actually believed in my writing.

Well, as someone who's never read a book, I absolutely do.

The waitress from the clam! Holy crap, has lois seen you?!

We really don't have an arrangement.

You got to get out of here!

Oh, peter, enough.

-What's the matter? -You wouldn't understand.

Okay.

I'd get back in there, chief.

(sighs) chris made me come back.

Oh, honey, the grocery store isn't just

Where I buy food for the family.

It's my escape.

My refuge from being pestered

With dumb questions from the kids,

Or having to clean up your messes.

Sometimes, just a stroll down the ethnic food aisle

Makes me feel like I'm in a north african bazaar.

Yeah, I don't like the smells on that aisle.

-And I don't know, it's hard to explain, but... -There's more?!

It's not just a grocery store to me.

There's a whole community of people there

Who feel like family.

And now, now I have nothing.

Aw, lois, I'm so sorry for ruining your happy place.

And I'm gonna take care of it.

Just like I've been taking care of that egg since high school.

Oh, my god, I forgot to pick him up from soccer practice!

Hey, do you need me to call your yolks?

Look, you got to let lois come back.

Please remove the ban. She loves this place.

I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

She yelled at a mentally-challenged person,

And that's unforgivable.

What? I'm not mentally challenged.

You're not? But that's literally

The only reason we hired you.

Would a mentally challenged person be able to do this?

Your name tag says "big petey."

(scoffs) why do you think we all gather round

And applaud you while you ride

The coin-operated horse out front?

'cause I'm good at horses?

Wow. (chuckles) I really thought...

You know, we don't let all our employees insist

The customers feel their muscles after bagging their order.

Right?

Okay, fine.

Lois can come back, but you're fired.

I need you to turn in your gun and badge.

Well, I guess my work here is done.

To the mickey-copter!

See, disney?

Nothing here but respectful synergy.