Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

Son of a bitch.

What's wrong, Peter?

Our I.T. guy told me today that, apparently,

I've had a work e-mail address ever since I started there.

So now I got to slog through 17,000 messages.

Aw, crap, we didn't have to come in on 9/11?

I never even liked working at that stupid brewery.

Hardly my dream job, I'll tell you that much.

Now, there's an interesting question.

What would be your dream job?

Dream job? That's easy.

Ever since I was a kid,

I always pictured myself being an international spy.

♪ ♪

So, beautiful, which lamp did you unplug

to charge your phone in the room?

Mine's in the bathroom.

You know, I never caught your name.

The name is Band. Lap Band.

Careful. Here come the bad guys from whatever country

won't offend American or Chinese audiences.

You have dishonored the people of Finland, Mr. Band.

Shoot him, fellow tall introverts.

Yep. All definitely me.

Whoosh. Zoom.

Ski noise.

♪ Ozempic... ♪

They threw a ton of money at us.

We couldn't say no.

All right.

Hey, I wonder who they got to do the song.

Blech.

♪ When you're a spy ♪

♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪

♪ You look high and low ♪

♪ You never know what you'll find ♪

♪ Spy life. ♪

Mercifully brief.

Good morning, Agent 5-5-5.

Right. 'Cause this is a number on a television show.

I say, you look as bewitching as ever, Miss Takeapenny.

Didn't you hear? I got married.

I'm now Ms. Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.

Lucky gentleman.

Because he gets to plow you, is what I mean.

So debonair.

You know, now that I'm married, I'm actually leaving.

I'm training my replacement, Todd.

A male secretary?

Well, I suppose I'll just have to adapt

and harass him now.

Nice penis, Todd.

Mr. Band.

Okay, good, he knows how to play along.

Yeah, this is-- this'll work.

I understand you have a mission for me, M,

which I can only assume stands for "man."

Good morning, Mr. Band.

Whoa. My boss is the new Little Mermaid

I'm so mad about.

Mr. Band, we have reports of a plan

to intercept a European nuclear device

by the villainous mastermind, Blofella.

Got it, M.

Or-or is it maybe MHM and you pronounce it "-"?

M is fine.

Okay, yeah, I-- times have changed

and I-I got to-- I need to catch up.

♪ ♪

Hey, Q. Hey, have you seen who M is?

Which I totally support, by the way.

In fact, it was my idea and I fought for it.

You should've heard me.

Okay, just let me show you the cutting-edge equipment

you'll need for your mission.

First, I have this fridge that displays today's headlines.

Did-- did you just go to Best Buy?

No. I also have these headphones

that block out ambient plane noise.

Yeah, you-you just went to Best Buy.

-I did not! -So, where am I headed?

We're expecting Blofella

to attempt to intercept the bomb in Belgium.

Awesome.

That's the country where they basically have

dessert for breakfast, right?

Agent triple-five, I cannot stress enough--

no dessert for breakfast.

♪ ♪

Greetings, Mr. Band,

on behalf of Belgian Secret Services.

Hey. I-I'd shake your hand,

but my arm is syrup-glued to the table.

The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.

That works in two ways.

No, it's-it's really just one.

♪ ♪

Our intelligence has revealed that the bomb transfer is

to take place in this warehouse for generic wooden crates.

♪ ♪

What? It's very loud.

We're getting none of this.

If we can't hear him,

he can't hear us saying we can't hear him.

What a mess!

Gavin. Gavin.

Turn off-- turn the helicopter off.

I-I was going to say, "Sorry to drop in on your party,"

but, feels stupid now.

Get 'em, boys.

So that's it, Blofella?

You're just gonna have us killed by your henchmen?

Okay, I'd rather you not use that word.

They are independent contractors.

He doesn't want to pay us benefits.

There is an app they log into when they want to work,

around their schedule.

I am not their employer. The app is their employer.

Goodbye, Mr. Band.

It wasn't looking good.

But thankfully, Q had supplied me with...

Captain America's shield.

What? No, no, no.

You can't just become

a Marvel character halfway through.

Also, we usually see all the stuff

Q gives you at the beginning.

This feels very unearned.

Belgian intelligence learned that Blofella's plan was

to use the nuclear device he'd intercepted

to blow up the city of Las Vegas.

But that wasn't the only emergency I was dealing with.

Yeah, you said everyone in Vegas wears tuxedos,

and I'm starting to feel pretty self-conscious.

I didn't say "definitely."

I said, "It was my understanding."

Agent triple-five, look.

Blofella. Not on my watch.

I can't find my way out.

Okay, well, that says "breakfast buffet" that way,

but I'm pretty sure we've seen it twice.

♪ ♪

Here we are again at North Suite Elevators.

I don't know, should we-- should we just

hit the slot machines while we're here?

No. That's why they do this.

No, no, yeah, no, I get all that,

and I hate to hold things up, but...

I mean, Santana's in his 70s.

We should probably see him while we still can.

I knew one song.

Son of a bitch.

♪ ♪

There we are. Assembly complete.

So, again, this would be an appropriate time

for you all to please log out of the app.

Ha! I got you now.

Mr. Band. How did you find me?

Honestly, I'm on a guided tour for the movie The Hangover,

which ends on the roof.

Fun fact, gang-- it was actually Zach's idea

to put the sunglasses on the baby.

Okay, I see everyone staring at the Mandalay Bay,

so I'll go ahead and tell you which window was the shooter's.

Well, you're too late.

In a few moments, all of Las Vegas will be

totally wiped off the map.

You're a madman. Why are you doing this?

I need to get out of a very restrictive time-share deal,

and this is literally the only way out.

♪ ♪

There was no time.

So that's when I pulled out Kylo Ren's lightsaber

and knocked Blofella off the roof.

No, no, no, no. That's cheating.

Also, you got a lightsaber,

and you're just gonna push a guy?

Triple-five, you saved my life.

Make love to me right now.

I'm sorry, Alice, I can't. I'm gay.

New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.

♪ ♪

That was awesome hearing about your dream job, Peter.

But I was actually lucky enough to have my dream job.

At least until I lost it.

It all started years ago.

It was the 1980s, and I was living alone

in a studio apartment with an askew poster

because bachelors never hang their posters straight.

Yeah, no offense, Quagmire,

but I'm gonna listen to this story

the same way I do most podcasts--

at 1.5 speed.

I'd put on some weight

from being in an abusive relationship with a woman--

-Mama Celeste. -Abbondanza.

All right, okay. Ba-Back to normal speed.

I-I'm in. I'm hooked.

The other thing about living in the '80s is that,

wherever you went, the actual Pointer Sisters

would follow you around, singing.

♪ Glenn ♪

♪ You know this man just mailed a bill ♪

♪ To Sprint ♪

♪ It's for his phone ♪

♪ A landline phone. ♪

I knew I needed to get in shape,

but the only forms of exercise in the '80s were

roller-skating on a dance floor

or lugging around your dead boss to use his vacation home.

Back then, there were two things I liked:

gyrating my pelvis

and putting vowels next to each other

that weren't normally next to each other.

I combined those two loves

to create something called "aerobics."

Welcome aboard.

Here's your complimentary headband,

two wristbands, waistband, thigh band, another headband.

There were a lot of bands.

Yeah, my finger's hovering over that 1.5 button.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

So I started teaching classes that same week.

I even created an advanced class

based on how your body moves during sex.

I called it "Sexercise."

♪ ♪

And things took off immediately

because I gave 1980s women exactly what they wanted:

long, flat butts.

Come on, ladies. Longer! Flatter!

My workout program was a hit,

and soon I was ready to take it national.

I was lucky enough to get the chance to announce

the filming of my video on The Tonight Show with Johnny.

You met Johnny Carson?

Actually, that particular night there was a guest host,

John Davidson, star of That's Incredible!

So, you know, different Johnny but still Johnny.

No one has ever called John Davidson "Johnny."

He guest-hosted 87 times. That's not nothing.

Anyway, the night's first guest was Jane Fonda,

who was promoting 9 to 5,

by far the blousiest movie of the 1980s.

So, Glenn Quagmire.

It says here you created

an exercise craze called "aerobics."

-What inspired that? -Well, John... ny,

one day as I did jumping jacks alone in my apartment,

I thought, "How can I take the worst parts of this

"and put it in a public setting?

Plus a wall of mirrors and street-facing windows."

The interview seemed to go great.

But the next day,

I realized how truly ruthless Jane Fonda was.

♪ ♪

Now, Mr. Quagmire, an important part of releasing a 1980s video

is the incredibly depressing production logo it opens with.

I have a few here to choose from.

First is some vibrating rainbow text

that never quite comes into focus.

Love that.

This one is just a large bouncing "V"

with an ominous keyboard noise.

Also excellent.

Or here's three capital letters

all spelled with one thick, continuous line

atop a digital horizon.

You can't miss. Let's go with all three.

Wait a minute. What's-what's going on?

Where are my leg warmers?

Back then, leg warmers were essential

because that was, by far,

the coldest decade from the knee down.

Did someone take my leg warmers?

In place of my leg warmers, I found only a single note.

At first, I assumed

Jodie Foster had stolen my leg warmers,

and I was about to go take it out on the president.

But then I realized it could only have been one person intent

on sabotaging me-- Jane Fonda.

I tried my best to soldier on.

Okay, don't look at my legs.

And one, and two... My calves are tiny and cold.

And three, and four...

But I knew, even in the moment,

it was gonna be a disaster.

I never stood a chance.

♪ ♪

Hello, Glenn.

Sorry you failed, but... like they say,

all's fair in love and aerobics.

Who? Who says that? Nobody.

God, now I get why everyone's racist uncle hates you.

Well, it's been nice chatting, but if you'll excuse me,

I have to go lobby our nation

about cleaning up the mess we made in Vietnam.

Sorry, I went ahead and hit the eight-X.

No, you-you-you did the, you did the right thing, Peter.

♪ ♪

Well, as far as dream jobs go,

mine's always been to do what you do, Joe, to be a cop.

But, you know, one day short of retirement,

since y'all got such a nice benefits package.

Well, my dream job is to do pretty much what I do now

but be, like, a loose cannon type cop

who doesn't care whether he lives or dies

but can definitely walk.

♪ ♪

It was my last day on the job,

and I'd just taken my last office dump

when I was called into the chief's office.

Morning, sir. You wanted to see me?

That's right. We've been tracking

a notorious drug cartel

that's been bringing tons of cocaine into L.A.

Yes, cocaine has been ravaging the Black community for years.

Yeah, well, some white girl got a minor nosebleed,

so now I guess it's, like, a big frickin' deal.

In fact, last night, there was a huge bust.

How much was it?

And remember, we measure cocaine--

and nothing else-- in only kilos.

I don't know, 80 pounds?

Like, 36 kilos.

My God! That's too much kilos!

I'm also assigning you a new partner.

But don't worry, I know you're nearing retirement

and want a stable situation,

so I'm hooking you up with a guy named Sergeant Maniac.

How you doing? I'm a crazy wild card

as indicated by my only right now timely mullet.

You ain't dressed like a police detective.

Well, I know we're gonna be running around chasing bad guys,

so I wore the tightest jeans I own.

Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Hey, why don't you come on out to my beachside trailer

to, discuss the case?

Sure. Where is it?

Not in Malibu-- they wouldn't allow it--

but one of those garbage beaches further north,

way past Moonshadows, which is, like, the perfect place

to get drunk and tell everybody who's responsible

for all the world's wars.

♪ ♪

I soon realized my new partner had serious issues.

He didn't care what kind of dangerous stuff he did.

Hello?

You're calling from "credit card services"?

Great, I'll tell you my Social Security number,

and you tell me if it matches what you have there.

Man is insane.

Okay, and, don't laugh at my mother's maiden name.

It's kind of a goofy one.

Tinkleman. Yeah. It's like... like pee.

I thought we were gonna discuss the case.

Right. I'll be ready in one minute, but first,

I've been asked to make sure women come see the movie, too.

♪ ♪

So my crazy partner and I set out to solve the case

and began by looking for Leeds,

which was a somewhat popular mattress store,

where if you said you were a potential customer,

they'd let you take a nap in the middle of the day.

Sorry, guys.

My manager says you have to leave.

Leave? But my partner and I are trying out this queen bed.

What are you giggling at?

We're partners on the police force.

This guy's wearing jeans with no underwear.

Yeah, you're cops. Sure.

♪ ♪

You guys are no closer to figuring out

who's responsible for bringing in all this cocaine.

I got a pretty good idea.

Have you checked Temple Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?

It's also where they control the weather and the Oscars.

That's it. You guys are off the case.

♪ ♪

Since we'd been thrown off the case,

I thought it'd be nice to invite my partner over

for a home-cooked meal.

You don't have a pitcher of iced tea?

I thought every Black family dinner

had a pitcher of iced tea.

We do have a picture of Ice-T,

right up there on the wall.

Attention, all units, be advised

of a possible drug deal at the dock.

That's not far from here.

No way. We were taken off that case.

Yeah, but we can be there before even the closest patrol car.

♪ ♪

There, look. Quick, pull over and let me out.

What? -I'm gonna run the rest of the way.

I assure you the car will be faster.

See you there.

♪ ♪

Been waiting here for six minutes.

Okay, okay, okay, so, six-minute mile.

Not bad for jeans and no underpants.

You got any glovebox Vaseline in there?

It's the chief. What the hell?

The chief has been the mastermind

of the cocaine cartel all along.

That might explain why he always calls me at 3:00 a.m.

with screenplay ideas.

Hello?

Okay, hear me out.

It's Die Hard, but in a building.

Die Hard is in a building.

I don't know. Here, listen to me watch it,

and we'll find out.

Give it up. You guys can't arrest me anyway.

I have diplomatic immunity.

-You do? -On what basis?

Yeah, I'm a citizen of Margaritaville.

I even have this hat from a recent vacation to prove it.

Too bad.

Your diplomatic immunity's just been revoked.

The officer's actions, while illegal,

were justified by a snappy line. Movie over.

I was also a producer on this project.