Original subtitles

Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble!

Tell me the ponies and the daily double~

Now, now, Mama.

You know you're not allowed to go to the track, anymore.

Poisoned one triple crown contender,

and everyone gets their shorts in a knot.

Now where the heck is Gomez?

I have to start dinner.

That sounds like him, now.

Fantastic!

It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

You are shooting fish in a barrel.

Nervous little critters, aren't they?

We bring the catch of the day!

Well, don't come in before the eyes go bad.

Here you go!

Oh, they look so tasty!

As Gomez is suave,

as Fester is frightening,

to cook up these suckers

please bring me some lightning~!

Ah, bouillabaisse fit for a King!

Or more importantly,

his Queen.

Gomez, darling, d'you think it's true that bouillabaisse is the food of love?

For us, my darling,

of course!

For the red snapper?

Not so much.

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ How you do, the Addams family? ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

♪ Wonderfully scary ♪

♪ And pleasantly hairy ♪

♪ Delightfully? Very. ♪

♪ It's the Addams family! ♪

*snap snap*

♪ Welcome to the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

♪ Come into the Addams family ♪

Now!

Chachacha! *snap snap*

It's very simple, children.

All you need is 20/20 vision,

nerves of steel, and some ridiculously overpriced footwear.

Swish~!

Bravo, darling.

May I try?

But, of course, querida~

Thank you, Lurch.

Nothing but net!

They don't call you "Air" Addams for the heck of it.

That's all, children.

That's the lesson for today.

Thanks, Father.

Come to the dungeon, Pugsley.

So we can practice your "hang" time.

Isn't it lovely that the children play so well together?

As do we, darling.

Did you say "oui"?

Sometimes that's French, you know.

There you go, overcompensating again.

What was that, old man?

According to this article I read,

you two should be miserable.

What article is that, Fester?

In this month's Psychobabble Today,

there's an article called "The Dangers of a Happy Marriage" by Dr. Pierre LeBlanc.

If our marriage is dangerous,

I'm prepared to dance on the edge of doom for all eternity.

Music, Lurch!

To underscore this magical moment.

You don't understand.

This doctor really knows his stuff.

He's French, for goodness sake!

You may be onto something.

If there's one thing the French know about,

it's l'amour~

Nonsense, I'm sure you mean well, Fester.

But Gomez and I couldn't be happier.

Well, Dr. LeBlanc doesn't think so,

and neither do I.

He says that to be happy,

you have to fight sometimes.

You know,

mix it up a little bit.

Well, as much as I'd like to stay and pursue this rational line of thought,

I'm due at the National Cigar Society.

It's Macanudo Night.

Have fun, dear.

I'm off.

I'm serious, Morticia.

If you and Gomez don't start airing your problems,

they're just going to,

pardon the expression,

fester.

Tighter, Lurch!

How am I gonna get a tension headache without the proper tension?

Would you like me to whip up some of my famous Headache Potion?

No, thanks.

I want my head firmly attached,

what with the Gomez and Morticia crisis.

Do you really think this shrink knows what he's talking about?

Of course he does.

I tell ya,

if Gomez and Morticia don't start blowing off a little steam,

their marriage is headed straight for Splitsville.

And we'll be orphans.

Then we've got to do something.

I know.

We work together.

We can get them into a knockdown drag-out fight.

Then they'll yell and scream.

And kiss and make up.

We'll give them the gift of an emotional rollercoaster called Marriage.

Everyone in?

I am.

Rollercoaster.

Thing?

Then 'Operation: Blow Up' is now in progress.

Oh, no.

I'm choking.

Oh, dear.

Hang in there, old man!

Thank you, Gomez.

That was close.

No problem.

Whatever were you choking on, Fester?

A halogen bulb.

I tell you,

those 300 watts are killers.

Tish, how is it possible Fester's still single?

Morticia, my pet.

You didn't,

perchance,

rearrange the board just now?

... Did you?

Gomez, my darling.

You're not accusing me of fudging.

Forgive me, amorita mia.

Of course, not.

My King stalemates your King.

It's a draw!

Neither of us wins.

It had to be.

We are so perfectly matched, my love.

I do so feel like dressing up for dinner tonight.

But I can't decide between these two.

Mama?

Well,

I wouldn't wear that one if I were you.

Definitely not that one.

Why?

That's the one,

Gomez says,

makes you look fat.

Gomez said that?

Yes, he did.

Really?

Perhaps I should have a word with Gomez.

Excuse me, won't you?

Well, I guess I could always learn to sleep sitting up!

Gomez?

Yes, querida?

Is it possible that you think I'm gaining weight on my...

... derrière?

Tish!

That's French!

Please, Gomez.

Do you think I'm gaining weight?

I certainly hope so.

Then there'd be more of you to love.

Oh, darling.

Great idea, Mama.

You got a better one, Sparky?

Well, not at the moment.

But I'll think of something.

Have I ever let you down before?

Okay, since lunch?

What about this?

We put gunpowder in Gomez's cigar.

When it blows up in his face,

we'll tell him that Morticia did it.

You forget.

He likes that.

Oh, right.

Fester, here.

Gomez?

May I ask who's calling?

The National Cigar Society?

Just a minute.

No, wait.

Gomez told me to tell you that his wife insists he quit your stupid club.

And he wants you to pay him back his dues.

What can I say?

She wears the pants around here.

Now you've done it.

Gomez loves the National Cigar Society.

He'll blow his top!

Awooooooo!

Yes?

I demand to see Gomez Adams.

You are?

I am Fidel Cojiba,

the President of the National Cigar Society.

Follow, me.

President Cojiba.

Fidel!

What brings you to our humble abode?

Mr. Addams.

I have a cheque to cover the full refund of your dues.

But why?

Well, perhaps your wife can explain that to you.

The one with the pants.

I figured Morticia had a hand in this.

Who else?

She said,

the society was stupid.

She did?

Then it must be.

Sorry, old pal.

I'll take that cheque now.

And don't even think about coming back.

Your inability to control your wife,

impunes the integrity of all the real men in the society.

Good night.

Nice fellow.

A little tightly wound, though.

Darling,

did I hear a strange voice?

Indeed.

It was the voice in my head.

And it's telling me I spent far too much time at the National Cigar Society.

It's also telling me we must do more things together.

Splendid.

Perhaps another honeymoon.

Capital idea!

Let's look into Bosnia.

Nice work, forehead.

Oh, this is not over.

Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

And I, have a plan.

"Dr. LeBlanc."

"There's a Mr. Fester Addams on the line,

he says it's an emergency."

Isn't it always?

Put him through.

Pierre LeBlanc.

Dr. LeBlanc?

Have I got a problem for you.

I just read your article and I think you're the only one that can help.

You're an astute man.

What makes you think that you have marriage troubles?

Oh, it's not me. It's my brother and his wife.

They're happy all the time.

Ah, a recipe for disaster.

I've had five marriages of my own.

Each one blissfully ideal, and then poof!

Five marriages?

You must really understand women.

Oh, I adore them.

I've dured three men for women!

A true romantic.

Then you must help Gomez and Morticia.

Please come to the house and observe them.

But don't let them know you're a doctor.

Tell him you're a friend of mine.

That would be unethical.

I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me. I have another phone call.

But we can't let a beautiful woman like Morticia go through life as a lonely divorcée.

Beautiful, did you say?

Exquisite.

Ah, well, after all, I have my professional obligation.

Bye-bye.

What's that you're sewing, Mama?

Oh, it's a little idea I've been working on.

I call it,

a "discomforter."

How very cutting edge.

That's the plan!

Fester, friend.

Oh, LeBlanc! Ol' buddy, ol pal!

You must be Morticia.

Enchantée~

It's French,

and I don't care who says it.

Yes, the French are so suave,

but the Castilian so much more exciting in his ardour~

Mama, this is Fester's friend, Monsieur LeBlanc.

My, you are dashing.

Thank you.

Ah, what an unusual quilt.

What is it made of?

I see you found the machete.

Shall we retire to the den?

But, of course.

So much more intime.

Can you take it easy with the French?

I'm feeling a little conflicted here.

Allow me.

Why, thank you.

I'll give Lurch a hand in the kitchen.

Thing? To the kitchen.

I don't mind saying that from the moment I let my eyes on you,

I was transfixed.

I find you totally captivating, Morticia.

Monsieur LeBlanc.

I do believe you are abusing our hospitality.

I happen to be happily married.

Well, I don't mean to brag,

but I've made women forget their husbands, in one day.

Please, I love Gomez.

Who is Gomez?

My husband.

You see?

I've already forgotten him.

Excuse me.

Men,

some of you will not be coming back from this mission.

Gomez, we got trouble!

I certainly hope so.

You don't understand.

Morticia and LeBlanc are getting pretty cozy out there on the couch.

No wonder. I just had the spings ripped out.

Listen to me.

He's trying to break up your marriage.

You got to get out there and straighten Morticia out.

I can't believe my darling querida would even look at another man!

It must be that cad.

I go now to defend the Addams' honour!

Mr. Addams, your charming wife...

I will not hear of it!

You, sir, have trifled with my marriage.

Choose your weapons.

These rapiers, in one hour.

I was thinking silly string,

but you're the guest!

You will rue the day that you crossed swords with Pierre LeBlanc!

Not to worry.

I am an Addams, sir.

We live to rue.

Thomas, what are you doing?

Watch very carefully, Fester,

as I slice this candle, clean in half.

... Uwahhhh.

Poor Gomez,

that guy's gonna turn him into a hackysack.

I'm afraid you're right.

As much as I adore a good duel,

it pains me to think of life without my beloved Gomez.

Fester,

you've got to put a stop to this.

I don't know.

I seem to be much better at starting things.

Haha!

How's it going?

Splendid,

I hope I have collision on this.

I just checked with the cemetery and it's really full.

There's no room for Pierre.

So, I guess you're gonna have to call off the duel.

Nonsense.

I'll just move Uncle Milo on top of Cousin Henrietta.

Trust me, she won't mind.

See?

The secret,

is all in the wrist.

I guess you're going to want to keep your wrist in shape, then.

Here.

Let me massage it for you.

How's that feel?

Like you're digging for bone marrow.

Keep going.

Sorry, Gomez.

I guess you're gonna have to call off the duel, now.

Not when I still have one good hand.

Well, what do you know? I'm ambidextrous!

Equally skilled with both hands.

Yeah, equally awful.

Monsieur Leblanc,

would you care for some tea?

Merci.

De rien.

Please, Morticia, speak English.

It sets my soul afire~

Monsieur LeBlanc,

about this duel.

You'll not talk me out of it.

In three strokes, you'll be a widow.

How fortunate I look good in black.

Well, since I cannot talk you out of it,

then we must plan for our honeymoon.

Yes.

Where shall we go?

Man, I've always liked Bermuda.

Islands.

Triangle.

But Fester, Mama, and the children

have their hearts set on an ocean cruise.

Excuse me.

Fester has a thing for Kathy Lee Gifford.

They cannot come on our honeymoon.

But they must. We're the Addams.

We're inseparable.

And with Gomez gone, we'll have to stick together.

And to you.

This is not exactly what I had in mind.

Don't worry, darling.

In a few years, they'll grow on you.

Like a fungus.

You know, maybe this whole duel business is a bit impetuous.

And I suddenly remembered my 'Fear of Intimacy' meeting in...

Oh my, I'm late.

Say goodbye to your lovely husband for me.

He's a lucky man.

And I'm a lucky woman.

Where is he?

\ I'll cut his heart out and wear it on my sleeve.

You're too late, my love. He just left.

I'm afraid he turned out to be a coward.

He was afraid of me.

I knew it!

Yes, darling.

He was very, very afraid.

Oh, Tish.

I'd be lying if I wasn't a little disappointed.

I find the idea of potentially dying for you incredibly romantic.

You always do.

You're absolutely right, querida.

I must become less predictable.

Dance?

Tango?

Not tonight, my love.

Tonight,

we get jiggy.

William Tell shot an apple off his son's head.

Could you pass me the moonblock, my love?

I believe I may have been out here too long.

It's so gratifying to see the children take such a keen interest in history.

It says here.

Now, Fester,

what have we decided about you and magazine articles?

I know,

but I'm taking this Cosmo quiz,

and I'm starting to think that my love life isn't all that it could be.

Don't be ridiculous.

Right now, you don't have a love life.

Good point.

Thanks a lot, Gomez.

That's gotta hurt.

And yet, such a small price to pay for learning the classics.

How did we become so blessed, cara mia?

Sometimes it's better not to question, darling.

Sometimes it's better just to revel in the glory that is our love.

Awooooo... !