The Baby And The Battleship 1956 DVDRip XviD eng subtitles – 100+ languages (SRT)

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Original subtitles

[ Silence ]

[ Music ]

All over the world, the forces of democracy are

mobilized to defend the freedom of the seas.

In the Mediterranean, traditional center of the balance of

power, the great fleets of the allied Navy patrol and exercise,

ready to meet the challenge from whatever quarter it may come.

Watchful and alert, every man is keenly conscious of the

vital role he plays in shaping the future of our world.

Nice day, sir. Paint on my hands again, commander.

Where from, sir? Bridge ladder?

Oh.

Not for these men the traditional spit and polish of the

old time service, yet proud of the heritage which is theirs.

Today each man is a highly trained technician, expert

with the complex instruments of the modern man o' war.

Bridge hasn't been painted for three months, sir.

Why not?

Yes, sir.

To these fighting men and others like them, war is not just a

fake threat in the future, but an ever present and grim reality.

Each and every one of them is ready at his post, for he knows

that upon him may depend the future of our civilization.

Ah.

Do yourself a favor, Smokey.

[ Music ]

I am custom made, thousand at a time.

Yeah. Well, you don't want to run yourself short.

All hand rolls, you know.

Oh. I don't know how you have the patience.

Marvellous gimmick with the brides.

[ Music ]

Enemy destroyers green four five.

New target comes.

Aye, sir.

[ Music ]

Destroyers target bearing green four five.

[ Music ]

Ready to open fire, sir.

Open fire.

Fire.

[ Explosions ]

Oh, I had a little darling once.

Every time I gave her the old unfree bogart tux, you know, like them two at a time.

Anything I wanted.

What?

My joy, I had my initials on them then, but I dropped that now.

Too ostentatious.

[ Music ]

[ Speaking in Italian ]

Hard to stop it.

[ Music ] Stop stop it.

Stop stop it.

[ Music ] One last.

[ Explosions ]

Full astern, stop it.

[ Music ]

Stop both engines.

Midships.

Stop both engines.

Midships.

[ Music ]

They'll pass here to Porto.

Very good.

Very good indeed.

[ Music ]

Get her back into line, pilot.

Aye aye, sir.

Slow ahead both engines.

Who sighted those trains?

Porto.

Start with action lookouts.

Send them up.

[ Music ]

Ah, the flagship hasn't been so lucky.

Also skillful, I fancy.

If the commander in chief is an honest man, he'll write himself down and sunk.

Yes sir.

Which of you sighted them?

He did sir.

Good men there commander.

Yes sir.

Well, if this had been the real thing instead

of a peacetime exercise, you too could take the credit for saving the ship.

And about 800 lives.

Congratulations.

Thank you sir.

Carry on.

Signal sir.

Exercise will now cease.

Just in time for lunch.

Porto full of the admiral, all right commander hands to dinner.

Aye aye sir.

Good morning, pilot.

Since you've completed phase one of the exercise, better open the sealed orders.

I think you'll find our destination is Naples.

Naples sir?

Yes, Mr. Settling.

Naples.

Well, we came out of that rather well I thought.

It's very nice of you to include me, knocker.

Punchy, you always get to know your friends in time of stress.

You know, I never feel safe when officers turn on the charm.

Yes, and if I've been in the mood I'd have

talked the old man into giving us extra leave.

800 lives is not scotch missed.

I'll remind him next time when the rattle.

Good morning.

The boys who stood on the burning deck.

Remind him.

The last time you were up before the captain you were having your kilik removed.

I've got it back.

Yes, so I see, with zip fasteners.

And where do you think you're going?

Er, Naples, haven't you heard, chiefie?

Who says so?

Well, the skipper just happened to mention it to me on pass on.

On what?

Pass on.

[indistinct chatter]

Here we are, grab her.

Thanks.

What is it?

Stew.

Anybody we know?

I couldn't do the thing.

Don't reach, I'll pass it.

I can't understand it. Didn't you take that stuff I got you?

Well, it needs a bit of time to work, of course.

I'll tell you what, if it doesn't, he's off by tomorrow.

I'll give you a rub down with the news of the world.

Wait a minute, though.

Er, Joe, have we got any of our special in stock?

Eh, eh?

Oh, yes.

Only for favourite customers, though, fool.

Addy, I'm not kidding.

This stuff's straight from Arley Street.

It's so cheap you can afford to buy a bottle, stick

it on the bathroom shelf and forget all about it.

Yeah, well, I think you ought to see the PM out.

Please, Bane.

He was no use to you, was he, Addy?

No.

But he trusts me, don't you, Addy?

Of course he does.

I wouldn't mind, Brendan, as appendicitis.

What do you know about it?

Oh, I'm simply telling you.

Oh, you've upset him now. Take it easy, Addy.

No, appendicitis.

Of course it's not. See what you've done?

I had it already.

See?

What do you think it is, Professor?

Well, as I see it, speaking objectively, of course.

Of course.

It's a clear case of incompatibility.

Complete inherent resistance to his surroundings,

complicated by a psychological apathy towards his fellow man.

Well, I mean, naturally not having access to the patient's case history.

It's difficult for me to be conclusive.

But I just feel that the emotional stress has somehow, probably due

to some unrelated event in childhood, become localized in his stomach.

Well, that's, uh, that's put your mind at rest, isn't it, Harry?

Of course, I remember similar cases myself, Professor.

Worst one was old Darwin Jones.

They called him Darwin 'cause nobody could figure out what species he was.

Oh, he looked terrible stripped.

Fair old slug 'em when he got in the ring, though.

I was up against him at the semi-final, White City.

You know, Connor and Tide do.

Well, he was doing all right in the six.

I know, and he touched him, see?

And suddenly he folds up and takes a count.

Word, of course, they start to rip the seats out.

Looked pretty fishy, see?

'Cause I didn't know you were an exponent of the noble art, Puncher.

No, I wasn't. I was a boxer.

Well, like I said, he was... Look, how long have you been in the Navy?

Five months.

Oh, liar.

Twenty-three, I was deferred.

University man, of course.

Yes, yes, I went up.

You're dead right. You went up and never came down again.

Oh, he's got letters on his name.

Ain't you, Professor?

Well, they'll be B.A.

Well, they should be B.F.

You mean he never had a puncher ticket?

These National Service staffs make me resent paying income tax.

Listen, Egghead, Puncher's only the ex-hummiter lightweight

champion of the Navy and an outright winner of a Lonsdale Bolt.

I'm sorry, Puncher. I should have known from the name, of course.

You cut your own fast, don't you?

No, French, no.

You get back to old Darwin.

I meant to take him in the 7th, see?

So, of course, it was a bit of a shock when he laid down.

Do you know what?

Turned out he had stomach aches so bad he couldn't stand up.

Well, the doctors had half his insides out before they finished.

Got bits of him in bottles all round the gym.

Never did him no good, though.

Anybody for seconds?

Here, here, and here are the patrolling forces of the Allied navies.

And for the purpose of the exercise, we are putting into naples.

Then I shall be able to get in some paintings, sir.

No, Commander, you will not.

We shall have to attempt to make an escape within 48 hours.

Oh, not much chance of I getting through undetected, sir.

I am aware of that, Commander.

But there is a chance of our getting through unrecognized.

You mean disguised, sir?

Yes, Number 1, I do.

With a dummy funnel, that is the ship to make her look like a Yankee cruiser.

You're remarkably well informed.

Oh, well, sir, I remember your famous exploit off Marseille in 1943

when you brough the French for the next two funnels, sir.

You followed my career closely, Number 1.

Naturally, sir.

Well, let's hope our enemies are not so well informed.

And, as all gentlemen, you'd better get busy

constructing that dummy funnel, Commander.

Yes, sir.

I think you should go far, Number 1.

Tommy, you'd better have another bottle.

Yes, this stuff's working marvellous.

Marvellous.

You'll need it cut soon.

All right for denture powder.

Whiskers?

We go ashore half a dozen at the last thought.

Half a dozen? You're going into bed, aren't you, Addy?

No, nothing.

If I have that strength, I'd sue you.

Half a dozen it is. Put it in the book, Joe, will you?

Oh, give it a chance.

I've got me move now.

Come on, come on, come on. Business is business.

Move your form.

Yes?

Check.

Now you see what you've done.

You've been to Naples before, Locker?

Been before? Do me a favour. I've built half of it.

Sorry, just asking.

Oh, don't worry about it. We all make social errors

and you can't help it from the background you have, but

in the words of Oscar Wilde, don't come the old lady, Windermere.

Easy bit touchy about Naples, Professor.

Not that there's a big man there to shot the war.

Well, modesty forbids, but let me show you something.

My secretary's been on holiday, so the farming system's a bit... Where are we?

Marcelles, Alex, Cardo, Tunis, Naples.

Here we are.

36, 24, 36.

Certified correct by good housekeeping.

Does she have any conversation?

Who wants conversation?

I don't know. I imagine one of you could use some.

Her father was a baker. I put one of two deals in his oven.

We did quite a bit of business a couple of years back.

96.

That's the total. 36, 24, 36.

So?

Well, I did it up.

How long is it since you had shore leaf?

Never mind, never mind. Let's start at the beginning.

You know what the 36 part stands for, don't you?

I'm dead-botted about you, mate. I think your brain's going.

What do you think those figures meant then, are they?

Leave to the starboard watch from 1600 to 2200 hours.

Never demand to clean.

Well, you better come with me.

Everything points to the fact this may be your last fling.

I don't know what you're going on about, but I'm stopping here.

What have you got to be afraid of?

From what I've heard, you can't even remember it, so how can you be afraid of it?

I remember Barcelona, though.

Barcelona? What's that got to do with it?

You never read the label. That was youboat fuel.

Yeah, but I... Look, if you come with me, you're with the connoisseur.

I know the bloke who trod the grapes.

I know. I swore off the drink.

You might as well put your feet up. You forgot one and swore off the other.

There's nothing left. What do you think, Professor?

Well, I read a book on the subject once.

Yeah, I thought you would have.

It was all a specialised, actually.

It was a field study of the paranoid reaction occurring

in the mating behaviour of middle-aged penguins.

With human comparisons, of course.

Yeah, those were the bits I read.

Yes, fascinating stuff, but quite frightening.

The sort of book you just can't put down, you know.

There was one chapter in particular, I remember.

That chap, look, he's heard enough.

Come on, Punchy, I'll look after you.

Wait a minute, what did he say?

You reckon you ought to make the most of it while you can.

Yeah, but what about them penguins?

Never mind.

Well, never mind. I'll turn tomorrow, eh?

Yeah. It'll be second-hand by then.

What will?

Don't forget, three minutes to ten and bring the large buckets.

Fifty-fifty?

Sixty-forty or scrubby.

Give me a copy of that book, will you?

Come on, enough, please, go away! Yes, come on, Punchy,

let's grab this awesome car. Hurry up, boy, come on.

Right, jump in.

Well, that's your lot, gentlemen. Bye-bye. Ta-da!

[Music]

Must be here somewhere.

There it is.

[Music]

Mac, where's Knocker? I've no idea.

It's the seventh time I've been down here tonight.

If he doesn't come soon, I'll run out of rubbish.

[Music]

Knocker's painted light. Give me something for you.

Why didn't you tell me two buckets ago? Is this it?

Yeah, that's it. Well, come on. What are you waiting for?

[Music] Don't break it!

[Music] Well, come on.

Get a wriggle on.

[Music]

Well, well, well. Punch your robots with another black eye.

You been mixing it again?

[Music]

Anyone a drift off of you? Only one, sir.

Almost a record.

Who is it? He will see him in white, sir.

Oh! Yeah? What?

Where are you going? What?

What the chief wants you. Hey, wait a minute.

You don't want to take that with you, do you? No, well, you look after it then.

Right.

[Music]

[Music] Just a minute.

What have you got in that bucket? Just empties, chief.

Just empties, eh?

I thought so. You know the regulations about smuggling.

Where did you get it? Don't answer that.

You think I'm a fool, don't you? Keep your mouth shut.

You come along with me.

[Music]

Fall in on the quarter, Degue.

[Music]

Enjoying yourself?

Just having a bit of a blow, chief.

Cut that out. Well, I've always wanted to play a musical instrument, chiefie.

Have you been on the booze again?

I haven't touched a drop.

Get out of here. Well, off to you, chiefie.

Put that thing down and get out of here.

[Music]

Take yourself lucky it was me that found you.

Yes, chief. Now, go and get your head down.

Yes, chief. And if you want to keep that hook on your arm,

keep your nose clean. Good night, chief. Good night.

Hello, Plunkett.

Not was a drift. Oh, yes.

Are you doing anything urgent?

No, no. Nothing very urgent.

Well, I've got something to show you.

Yes, well, show me in the morning, eh?

No, professor. No, this is dead crucial. Come on.

Shut the door.

Well, it was knockers girl what had it. I was just sitting there

minding my own business and they left it with me. Now, you know,

I never wanted the tux of stuff. I was swoon off of it.

Then those two blokes came along and started to get a bit ugly

and called us a couple of jockeys and I had to let them have it.

And when I came round, they'd gone and I was stuck with it.

In the meantime, we've got a problem. We've got to

keep it aboard until knocker gets back, right? Right.

At the same time, we've got to keep him where no one will find him, right? Right.

That's going to be a problem too. It mustn't make a noise. Right.

Shh.

You know what I reckon? What? I reckon he wants something to eat.

Well, they don't eat at that age. You know, drink milk and stuff.

Milk? Milk. Huh?

Huh?

Oh, yeah, Peggy. Get me a point.

Yes, I'm still not sure that's the right way, you know. Well, it's polished it off.

I still wish we had a book on the subject. You can't learn this sort of thing

from books, Professor. Yeah. Come over here a minute.

He's all right.

Are you sure you haven't got a clue when knocker will be back?

Well, if he's not back by the morning, then it's your watch, you're sure.

I was wondering. Yeah, she was wondering when I'd take it, I'm sure.

Well, I'm sorry, Professor, but they don't understand me, you know. I'm not like that.

Watch it. It's listening.

You know, we can't keep him here alone.

Well, we don't have to.

Leave it to me.

Where are you going? Come on.

Right now, you'll be safe in here. If I see knocker, I'll tell him.

But if he's not back by Revali, I'll come and get you out, OK?

It was him calling us jockeys, what, down it?

What? Yes, yes.

Ah, come on, young beggar.

You'd better get your things ready.

I'll be right back.

Come on, young beggar. You'd better get your head down.

Yes. Come on, in you go.

There, good boy. That's right.

Now you close your sleeping gear and get stuck in some night starvation, eh?

That's right.

There's a good boy.

I paid six pence to see Her tattooed scotch lady She was a sight to see

Tattooed from head to knee And under her jaw Was a royal flying corps

And across her back Was the Union Jack What could you ask for more?

And up and down her spine Was the Queen's own guards in line

And right around her hips Was a fleet of battleships And over her kidney

Was a bird's eye view of Sydney But what I liked best Was upon her chest

Was my home in Tennessee Portwatch to the hands, all the portwatch.

Special Seaduty Mandio Station.

The ship leaving harbour in half an hour's time.

Would you believe it?

You all heard the pipe? All you portwatch?

Now come on, wade in, wade in.

Boys inside. Come on now.

Come on now.

You're a portwatch, aren't you, Evans?

Yes, yes, Chief.

Well, turn up then. Yes, Chief. Could I ask why, Chief?

You're starting to be sailing. Now get a wriggle on.

Now come on. Now, come on.

Where do you think you'll go?

I was just... Close up at your station.

Blimey, she's gone.

What is it?

The ship's gone.

What's the matter?

The ship's gone.

What's the matter?

The ship's gone.

Blimey, she's gone.

What has happened, Quas and your Pancho?

I'm Punchy. Where's my ship? No one said nothing to me about sailing.

It's taken a dead liberty, you know. But the Bambino.

The Bambino? What about me? I'm adrift. So's Punchy and all.

And where is he? It's his.

I needed it myself. Well, that means that Punchy

must be around here with him somewhere then.

Punchy!

Look, what does it say?

Oh, now. What is it?

He's gone mad again, the professor was right. His brain's gone.

What, professor? Tell me! He's only taken your

brother on board the ship with him, that's what.

The ship?

Puncher!

Look, snap out of it. We're at sea. I got stung for middle-wats.

I didn't have a chance to get here before.

I've been racking my brains now. Are you listening?

Blimey! We're moving!

That's what I've just been telling you, Knocker didn't show up.

We've been underway since midnight.

This is true. Cool.

Well, what are we going to do now?

Well, I've had time to think it over, but I think

the only thing we can do is to tell the others.

Well, we then have to bring them into it, do we?

Well, we can't handle it alone.

Well, they're not going to like it.

There's a limit on what a bloke should do for a mess-maid.

An audience of babies is overstepping a mark.

Well, I couldn't just leave the little basket

sculling around on his own, now could I?

I doubt you'll look at me. Nor me. I've got my own troubles.

What do you think, George? You're a family man.

Well, I've got four of my own, and I'll tell you quite frankly, it can't be done.

You see, babies is delicate.

They've got to be fed regular, bathed regular, and changed regular.

They've got to have a regular routine and a balanced diet.

Well, what do you know about all that?

Well, where is it anyway?

Here.

The name's Baker. Looks a bit grubby, doesn't he?

Well, I've had no chance to wash him yet.

Lost one of his socks. Can it talk?

Well, only a bit of eye-gye.

No, no, no, that's not the way to hold him. Give it to me.

Well, sit down.

When did you last change him? Change him for what?

All right, out of my way, you huttage.

Well, I can't wait.

Who said this bathroom's out of order?

All right, all right, all right. So it's you lot, is it?

I might have known it.

Where's leading seaman Roberts?

Here, Chief. And what do you think you're doing?

Just having a bit of a rinse, Chief.

Are you trying to take that Mickey out of me?

I can't have a look for myself. Gangway there. Gangway, I said!

What's the matter with him? He looks pretty bad to me.

Oh, don't just stand there. Get a stretcher, some of you.

Poor old Eddie.

Wouldn't hurt a fly. Disgusting way to treat him.

It's the persecution I cause it. They don't mention

this sort of thing in the recruiting office.

Yeah, that's how old it started.

What are you talking about? I didn't even touch him.

Look at his face.

Better get him off to the sick bay.

So there you are. It's about time, too. Now come along, smartly.

You know the drill. Loosen the collar, head higher than the feet.

A restful position of the body assists the vital functions.

Stretcher party, carry on.

The death is not to be assumed because signs of life are absent.

And less noise in here!

Oh, that is stomach coming useful.

Yeah, but the chief will be back.

We can't leave him here. Where are we going to put him?

We've got to find somewhere. We could take it in turns to look after him on me.

Yeah, that's right. Turn up the watch, Remy. You can do that, Professor.

If we're going to look after him, we'll have to do it properly, you know.

Of course we're going to do it proper.

Well, what do we need, then? Personally, I can never

understand anybody using somebody else's towels.

Hope they have it.

I must say, things have gone to a pretty pass, with one

officer accused another of taking his towel from Fyver.

When I was a young man, I'd have been ashamed to admit that I used it.

Why no tablecloth, Richard? It's disappeared, sir.

You mean it was laid, it? No, sir. It's disappeared.

Everything's disappearing this morning.

What else is the matter with everything?

Open up.

All right, you can come out now.

Now, next time, take a little more water with it and lay it.

Yes, Master. Go on, fall in on the quarter deck.

[music]

We seem to be using an awful lot of cotton wool, Nightingale.

Do some only yesterday, sir. Well, what do you do? Eat it?

Draw some more, man. I'll take the surgical cases first.

Why not, sir?

[music]

Everything all right? Very comfy. Yes, I'm sure.

Take his trousers off.

[music]

Of course, if you'd got back from your liberty

on time, this would never have happened. Yes.

The commanding officer will know how to deal with you.

It's the British consul again, sir.

Oh, all right. You've seen the number of people involved already.

Hello.

It's quite impossible that anyone should be aboard the

ship without the knowledge of the commanding officer.

Recall her, quite out of the question.

Gilliam's engaged on a very important exercise.

Yes, I'll keep you informed of any further development.

Hmm.

The consul's brow is indeed sad, but his speech was far from low.

Hmm.

Well, it must have been quite a shock to you when she slipped away.

I nearly did my lot.

Oh, that is, I was very fraught, sir.

You took us all by surprise.

Well, you're not the first man to miss his ship. No, sir.

But cheer up, man. What's the trouble? Short of money?

No, sir. I'm all out for money, sir.

Well, make the best of a bad job.

While you're waiting to rejoin your ship, enjoy yourself.

Naples is a nice place. If you're careful.

Report here daily. Daily, sir?

How long's she going to be away?

Well, you can count her a few days leave anyway.

What about a baby, sir? You leave all that to me. Carry on.

Did you confirm to Gilliam that the marshal's going aboard?

Yes, sir. Better make a signal about that baby. What's his name?

Les Pucci. Les Pucci, yes. Draft out something and let me see it, will you?

Aye, aye, sir.

Right hand underneath. Left hand over right.

Tail over the top. Change hands.

Pin. And the best of luck to you.

Good boy. Yeah, come on, George.

Professor, you're on watch. Right now, you're on your own.

You know how to cope, don't you?

Now, if he wakes up, give him any one of his toys.

But don't pick him up or he'll get spoiled.

Take that cigarette out of your mouth and keep those cup open.

He's got bags of wind and sunshine.

I wonder when he was going to mention that. It's dead vile.

I don't know. I spent four days down here and I never took no arm.

Well, you're older than him. What's that got to do with it?

What's that got to do with it? Well, he's got to go up top, I'm telling you.

Well, that's impossible.

[train whistle]

Gummy funnel nearly up, sir.

All the way.

Gummy funnel up, sir.

Last holding. Last holding!

[gasps]

[train whistle]

[music]

Think we'll be safe here? Well, we can't be seen from the take.

Anyway, nobody's ready to come up here.

Just a job. Bags of fresh air and sunshine, just like George said.

George said, George said.

Whose idea was it anyway?

Push through, over the top.

Slack off, make fast.

Push through, over the top.

Slack off, make fast.

There, oh, look at that. Going off lovely.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Better a walk in the park, innit?

He can't walk yet.

How do you know? Well, he's not old enough.

What's the bit in I can't teach him?

Push through, over the top.

Slack off, make fast.

He'd be playing football before you finished them socks.

What do you mean? Well, he's ground faster than you're knitting.

No doubt it will be a surprise to you that this

exercise has a wider significance than mere routine.

Perhaps you can guess what I mean, Number One.

Oh, yes, sir. Distinguished onlookers from a neutral country, sir.

Yes, Mr. Sedley.

You can see that we shall have to consider him for a staff call, say, Commander.

I wasn't altogether anticipating a visit of this sort, sir.

I'd like to fair a dare to his notice.

Painter, no. Well, there's no need to make heavy weather of it.

We shall have the company of an unusual observer.

Our guest, the Marshal, is the head of an egalitarian state.

You will realize, therefore, that this forthcoming

visit is of the greatest possible importance.

From the time the Marshal is transferred aboard

until he leaves us, it must be flat out, gentlemen.

Flat out. I know I can rely on you to ensure that he takes

away with him the most favorable impressions of this ship.

And of the Royal Navy.

Are you still with me, Number One?

Flat out, sir. Good show. That's all, gentlemen.

Well, we'll give him a run for his money, eh, Jeffrey?

Yes, sir.

We've just had this signal, sir, asking

whether we have somebody named Vespucci aboard.

Have you?

Me, sir? No, sir.

Well, then that's the answer, isn't it?

I'm not going to break wireless silence to send it.

Try not to bother me with details.

There's a good chance... Watch it now. Watch it. Watch it.

Yeah, well, he's all slippery.

Of course, you've started at the wrong end.

I don't see if that makes any difference.

No, you wouldn't.

Well, he gets dirty at both ends, doesn't he?

Put a little under there.

That's right.

Oh, that's lovely.

That's it. Hang all that.

Right, boy.

Oh, dear. Lovely.

Marvellous the way they've made it, eh?

Look at the detail.

Look out, Chief, he's blazing his hair.

All right.

Look out, bloke, he's blazing his hair.

Here.

All right, Chief, everything under control.

I'll keep you informed.

I'm the French and you're Nelson.

And they came along here, I think you'll find.

And what's going on here?

Oh, just brushing up on our history, Chief.

Yeah, you see, I'm Napoleon.

No, you're Nelson.

Yeah, that's right, Nelson. Battle of Jutland.

Well, I can tell you what you're both...

Jutland? What are you talking about, Jutland?

Nelson was never a Jutland?

Really?

I say we've got it all wrong, haven't we, Chief?

Well, of course you have. Trafalgar.

That's what you're thinking of, Trafalgar.

You want to get some service in, you do.

Why don't you show them, Chief?

Well, looks like I'd better, eh?

All right, lads.

Now, which is which?

Well, those are the French.

Now, Nelson took them from behind, didn't he?

Where did you go to school?

He took them from the front and he cut them in half.

Oh, good for him.

Now, this is Nelson, see?

Now, you're watching? Yes, of course.

Well, I'm going out of my way, you know.

You can pick up a thing or two.

Yes, thank you very much, Chief.

Now, history, as they say, is made on the spur of the moment.

We're not going to be able to get the

engagement because we haven't got enough ships.

But if we use our imaginations and cast our minds back to that memorable occasion,

we shall see exactly what Lord Nelson had in mind.

And just what was that, Chief Petty Officer Blades?

[singing]

Well, they all don't know about that.

Come on, drink up.

You're crying better than ever.

I don't know what you two are going on about.

Honestly, it could have been a lot worse.

You're the opportunity the baby's getting.

A free trip in a first-class ship costs you thousands any other way.

Like this is for free.

Aren't I right, Dad?

I've seen the brighter side of it.

Now, don't cry in your vino. You're weak in it.

What will Mama say?

Mama need never know.

And anyway, every mother wants her son to go to sea. It's only natural.

I mean, the one who could have cut up rough was the Admiral.

And he took it marvelous, marvelous.

You don't know Mama?

You worry too much.

He's not worrying. That's just his way of showing how grateful he is.

Come on, Popper, have a drink. Get up and have a drink.

Drink to the health of Her Majesty's Navy and all those adrift.

Mama, Mama, finally you're here.

Mama, Mama, I'm sorry.

I lost my baby.

And you, why did you come?

Mama, Mama, where's the baby?

Mama.

You're a bad boy, you know.

You're a coward.

Shut up.

Where is he? Where is my son?

Well, he's... he's with a Palamon in the ship.

In a ship? My baby?

My dear, we're looking for him.

Did the Admiral speak?

Yes, and you'd better not speak, right?

Tell them we're here.

These are my uncles.

To lord it, I'm sure.

Tell them we're tired of waiting for the baby.

They say that they have no patience.

I'm pleased to find the baby quickly.

Well, yes, I'll go and have a look for him now.

I mean, it's no time like the present.

Delighted to have met you all.

Yes, well, on second thoughts. Perhaps it'll do in the morning.

I don't know why you don't try a decent game

like find the little lady or seven card stud.

Of course, you don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?

Well, it is not very good, I can tell you.

I'm not going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

Well, it is not very good, I can tell you.

It's a blue mischiezer here.

Oh, you've got sweet Fanny Adams.

Yeah, you're your toppy nose moron.

Someone let her go at you, all right, haven't they?

I'm going to get you a lot back in the smoke.

I'll set the boys on you, you'll be a right carver.

(speaking Italian)

Made in Sheffield, I see.

You are a very funny man.

I don't make many people laugh.

You don't make me laugh.

No, no, no, no, please, please.

How be I supposed to know if you speak English?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, Ivan, I'm very glad

about that but I've got a little deal to put to you.

No, no, no.

What's happening now?

They're just slinging him aboard.

Think we ought to go below.

He's got to have his ear in, Marshal or no, Marshal.

I reckon we ought to wait till he's gone off.

(music playing) Attention!

(music playing) Pay on, please.

Will the Marshal please come to my cabin for

some refreshments and to sign the visitor's book.

(speaking Italian)

Grinter, the Marshal is graciously pleased to do as you request.

Well, you're a bit early, aren't you?

Yes, I'm full two hours yet, you know.

Oh, I was getting a bit dodgy.

What's the Marshal up to now, then?

Knocking back the durians for the old man, I shouldn't wonder.

Won't poke his nose down here, will he?

What's that? -Cambled eggs.

How'd you make them? -Boiled them hard and put them through a mincer.

Get them all on, Chief, they're coming.

I can hear them. All right, you lowabouts, pack up and get moving.

And you lot over here, at the double, get out of it.

Come on, come on.

(door opens)

(horn honks)

(speaking Italian)

The Marshal wishes to inquire.

Is it so clean? -Oh, yes, a typical mess, Deck.

(speaking Italian)

The Marshal considers that it compares unfavorably with the officer's quarters.

Lovely, doesn't he?

This is the Petty Officer's mess.

(speaking Italian)

The Marshal is not impressed.

In our country, all men are equal and treated equally.

(speaking Italian)

The Marshal says a modern democracy is not progressive,

which practices class distinction of this sort.

Perhaps the Marshal would like to see the engine room.

(speaking Italian)

The Marshal wishes to see your punishment quarters.

The cells, yes, of course.

Is anybody in the cells, Commander? -No, sir, not a cell.

Excuse me, sir.

After you, sir.

Oh, lovely.

He's got a bundle on the egg steaks. -Hey.

Makes a change off all that chronic milk.

Yeah, that's right.

The mind is inside up, so unorable.

Go on, you can sit your watch by him.

All right, don't ask me then.

Just the same, if I was you, I'd give him points of honor to that lot.

They're on their way here. -That's our lot.

(train whistle)

They're coming, potential prisoners.

We'll never get away with them. -Don't argue.

All correct, sir. Temperature sixty eight, sir.

Hmm.

Yes, I don't remember.

(door opens)

Good eye and a laugh? -The Marshal wishes to know.

For what purpose are those?

Occupational therapy, sir.

Trap sit arm stick.

Nectar crest? -Not for chastisement?

Actually, um, no.

Not.

Where to now, sir?

Search me.

(door closes)

(music) Look out!

Dance this way, you clumsy lovers!

Look, you're mucking up the blistering deck!

I'd be bigger in the galley next year.

Pick it up!

The ground party at the double!

Left, right, left, right, left, right!

Left, right, left, right!

Right turn!

Relay that left!

Physical training, sir?

Lifford and stick prick.

Oh, yes, very important.

Keeps everyone on their toes, eh, Commander?

Yes. -Yes.

Go on, put a jerk in it!

I'm afraid they've changed their minds again, Chief.

Which way now, sir?

Well, you go after now, try and find out.

Well, I wish they'd make up their flaming minds.

All right, come on, pack up, follow me, at the double!

Left, right!

Oh!

Nagren, Karen, Brent.

The Marshal wishes to go in here.

Certainly, if he wishes.

Is it all right?

I hope so, sir. -I'd better lead the way.

[music] Hello.

Oh! -Oh!

Care of the wounded? I insist on constant practice.

Ockensniff, stick prick.

[music]

Did you organize it? -No, sir.

Didn't you?

Body, left turn!

As you were right!

Right!

And let living stick prick, prick her.

The Marshal wishes to know, is this physical exercise compulsory?

No, no, no.

Quite voluntary.

Oh, not? Nick, I could ring.

Bunk it.

[music]

We're rather proud of the catering arrangements in the ship.

The cooking is almost entirely automatic.

Thus avoiding waste of labor.

[speaking German]

Perhaps the Marshal remembers the old saying about too many cooks.

[speaking German]

The Marshal says he recalls the saying.

Well, over there are the ovens.

All thermostatically controlled.

The boilers, the steamers.

And when the food is ready, it is put into special cupboards to keep it piping hot.

And today it is? -Cold roast pork, sir.

[footsteps]

[baby cooing]

All this running about was the worst thing possible for a baby.

Listen, there's no need for you to get ready in the face.

Baker's enjoying it.

Don't get personal about anything at the time.

Now look, the only thing that's going to upset him is your face.

Why don't you take it somewhere else?

Now you can all take it somewhere else and that too.

We're frying tonight.

Okay, cookie, thanks.

Left, right, come on you all, it's just double up, double up.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.

Thank you. -Okay.

All right, Nanny, let's have it.

I'll tell you something.

You're upsetting his own future.

Oh, stirring it up, aren't you?

I happen to know about children.

What's about children is about growing air.

I won't be a party to it.

Well, why don't you buzz off then?

I know my duty.

What was that?

They're not coming this way.

Well, which way are they going, sir?

[Gibberish]

Come on, come on!

[Gibberish]

The Marshal wishes to know what is the meaning of this [Gibberish]

Testing communication, sir.

Go and turn the ruddy thing off.

What, me, sir? -Yes, you.

[Gibberish]

Nightingale, get me the medical dictionary.

[Groans]

[Groans] Captain, sir.

Unless it's very important, PMO, later, please.

It is, sir. The fact is, sir, I found a baby in the sick bay, sir.

A baby, huh?

Well, tell the commander to deal with it.

Not too much to port, she'll smell a rat.

It's not well, sir.

The baby, sir, it keeps calling for its father.

Very proper sentiment.

And now steer further to port.

Sir, have I your permission?

PMO, this is a very important moment and a very important exercise.

Surely you can look after this ship, surely you can look after one baby.

I was only obeying para five in your order book, sir.

She's turning to starboard, sir.

Signal, sir.

Thanks for your company.

I'm continuing search eastwards.

Make. Thank you, too.

Good hunting.

Good.

Very good.

Pull out from action stations. Sir.

Please tell the marshal that so far our tactics are successful.

The marshal wishes to see a combat.

We may yet have an opportunity.

When we try to break through the next line of defense.

Meanwhile, would he care for some lunch?

Grinning or sartanker?

Grinning, sir.

Now the booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, booty here.

[baby crying]

Never mind, man. Never mind.

There.

Well, now you sit there stuffing yourself like that.

I told you.

It's a matter of routine.

I'd better eat my food if I didn't have any routine.

That'll be the day.

It's fretting. That's what the kids are doing.

Fretting. Did you see him?

No, but I heard him.

It's all right, all right. I knew it was all my fault.

Ah, you couldn't help it, professor.

Poor little basket.

I'm gonna settle this thing once and for all.

You know what'll happen if you tell him it was you.

No, get him done.

Who brought him aboard, anyway?

You stay in your own corner.

If he hasn't stopped or under the time I come off

watch, I'm going straight to the Marshal at arms.

Straight to him.

I'm telling you.

So you say you brought it aboard.

Yes, right, Marshal.

All right, my lad, we'll see.

Ah, we only needed you.

Now we're one big happy family.

The old and thirteen mess.

Fall in, you!

All right, now.

The baby didn't come aboard on his own.

I'm giving you one last chance.

Whoever done it, one place forward.

It's a conspiracy, that's what it is!

As you were!

Now let's all keep calm.

You think you can fool me, but I'm about to

produce evidence that will speak for itself.

I'm not going to let you get away with it.

I'm going to get you out of here.

I claim you are sunk.

Sunk?

Nonsense. We'll fight it out.

- Inconnory officer? - Sir?

Stand by to open fire.

Failing red nine-oh on enemy cruiser.

Stand by to open fire.

Enemy submarine surfacing starboard bow.

Enemy port bow.

Enemy destroyer starboard quarter.

Starboard bow, sir.

It's as though we're trapped, sir.

They never would have spotted us if they hadn't known about the Marsales incident.

No, it's hardly cricket, sir.

I don't like being beaten in front of the Marshal.

Bad prestige.

What about the baby, sir?

What baby?

It wasn't very well if you were... Really, number one.

You're right.

We must think of the baby.

What now, sir?

PMO?

How's that unfortunate child?

I'm delighted to tell you, sir.

Since we found its foster father, the baby's oh so much better, sir.

I absolutely agree with you, doctor.

If the baby's unwell, it would be most dangerous to fire the guns.

But you don't understand... All guns trained, followed after, secure.

But the baby's much better.

I quite agree with you, doctor.

It was the slightest risk of upsetting this unfortunate child.

We have no justification in continuing the exercise.

Hold on the Dutch Entrance.

Break wireless silence.

Make in plain language.

Jillingham to CNC repeated admiralty.

Canceling exercise in order to return to Naples to land sick.

sick, sir?

But the personnel, I think is the word.

But the baby's perfectly all right.

Go away, you fool.

In peace, as in war, first things must come first.

And the sanctity of... Women?

I agree with you all the way, sir.

Thank you, number one.

Absolutely, absolutely, sir.

Please convey my regrets to the marshal, but I had no alternative.

Captain Bordetlac!

There is nothing for which to apologize, captain.

You are a man after my own heart.

This action of yours has given me much food for thought.

It is the action of a man who puts humanity before all else.

And tell me, there are others in your country who would act as you have done?

Yes, yes, we're all... much of a muchness, you know.

Captain, let us join hands as a symbol of friendship between my country and yours.

I leave you with the happiest of recollections.

(music playing)

Oh!

Jump in!

(speaking Italian)

(speaking Italian) Okay.

We're in luck.

What we do now?

Leave it all to me.

I'm late again, sir.

Held up well? Held up, sir.

I was nearly strung up there right on my heels.

Oh? Never mind, you're here now.

Look, sir, I know my rights.

I'm a deserter and I'm entitled to be treated as one.

Someone ought to arrest me.

There's no question of desertion. You didn't do anything wrong deliberately.

Oh!

How would it be if I signed off for another seven years, sir?

What? Oh, really?

Good for you. You're just the type we want.

All right, carry on.

I did that on purpose, sir.

Well, then, I'm sure you didn't.

I meant to break it, sir.

Oh, just as you did it.

Now, take a grip on yourself.

Please arrest me, sir.

Come now. If I were to arrest everyone for something

like that, the Admiralty would soon be on my tail.

Cut along now.

Hello?

White?

Sir?

Good news, white.

Gilliam's coming in.

Feel better now?

Oh, marvelous, sir.

Marvelous.

Good. I'm going down to meet him myself.

You'd better come with me.

Oh, well, there's just one thing, sir, about that signing on, sir.

It has to be quite truthful, sir. I'm not fit to serve another seven years.

And by your spirit, I'll put your name forward myself.

But, sir!

Let go!

Down the alert!

Fight!

[whistling]

Well, don't just stand there.

Come on, little girl. This way.

Come on, dear.

Do that, dear. Do that.

What shall I do with them? Take them off the deck.

Yes, sir.

Lady, this way. This way, please.

Thank you.

Thank you, Admiral.

Yes, Commander.

Yes.

Fight!

[whistling] Hello, you.

Well, don't look so wellied, man.

Well, here we are again.

The old firm.

Seeing that wasn't I, eh, Chiefie?

Welcome aboard.

Well, this excitement is the worst thing possible.

You won't be able to do a thing with him.

What do you mean, I won't be able to do anything with him?

You watch.

[whistling]

[cheering] Bravo!

Bravo!

[cheering]

You've done a good job, Hugh. Congratulations.

Thank you, sir.

All the same, I'm not sure you deserve that medal.

I've taken care of that, sir.

[laughing]

[speaking Italian]

This is very scoochy.

And let me escort you.

Don't, please.

[speaking Italian]

Oh, well, don't worry. I'll drop you a line next time we come in this way.

All right, carry on, White.

Well, have a good time.

[speaking Italian]

Oh, oh, grazie, signore.

Grazie.

[speaking Italian]

Better take him out of the side yourself, Roberts.

Yes, sir.

[speaking Italian]

[whistling]

[music playing]