Original subtitles

Uh, good morning, Dad.

Good morning, Jennifer.

When you were in school,

did you ever cut class?

Uh... yeah. I guess I did. Most kids cut classes.

Good. Sign this.

Have your mother sign it. I'm late.

But mom doesn't understand.

She never cut classes.

Mommy never cut classes.

Will you stop copying me?

Jack, what about breakfast?

I haven't got time.

You've got to make time.

You can't start your day without a good breakfast.

I made it for you.

Breakfast is my class project.

What did you make?

Spaghetti and one hard-boiled egg.

Tell you what. Hold the spaghetti, throw in another egg,

and I'll eat it in the car.

Jack!

Jack.

You stop, or I'll shoot!

Jack!

Go away. I'm late.

What's in the cup?

Herbal tea?

Liar. Give it to me.

But I like coffee. It picks me up.

It never lets me down.

It also gives you heartburn and flattens your adrenals.

How's it feel, always being right?

I revel in it.

Watch your toes, Mother Teresa.

I love you!

Sure. Bring it up now when I'm going to work.

Ugh.

Oh, great.

Don't they teach those kids anything?

You're supposed to put them in cold water after you boil them.

Aw.

Wonderful.

Ugh.

Not bad.

If you did contribute,

the lord will guarantee you a place in heaven.

Will there be weeping and gnashing of teeth?

Or will the gates of--

Jesus said, "don't talk to me

when I'm talking to you."

Wouldn't you like Rev. Archie's edited Bible in your own home?

Aw, jeez!

My fault. It was my fault.

I should've told him to boil the other egg.

You son of a bitch!

Try that again, you moron!

Hey, excuse me.

Hello?

Sorry, pal. I'm late.

Am I supposed to wait all day?

Aw, this is great! Nice way to start the day.

Oh, God.

I'm not built for this.

I'll corner that guy at lunchtime

and strangle him.

I'm late now.

Why do they need these anyway?

I've worked here 10 years.

They know me by now.

Another stupid thing.

Great. I'm late again.

This is going to look good.

You descend and maintain 12,000.

Pan Am 3, descend to 15,000.

Turn right to 2-5-0 degrees.

This is Pan Am 3. Say again.

I say again, descend to 15,000

and turn right to 2-5-0.

There's a Lufthansa jumbo in that space.

Are you trying to mate us?

Uh, Pan Am 3, disregard.

Maintain at, uh, 17,000

and present heading 2-2-0.

United 3-2, turn right heading 1-7-0.

American 4-1, reduce 10 knots.

You, November 3-4-7 Gulf...

Where are you?

Where the hell are you?

Come in!

Where are you? Acknowledge, please!

Acknowledge, please! Where are you?

It's O.K., Jack.

I don't know where this small plane is!

I can't find it.

Jack.

A fly landed on your screen.

I hate flies!

I hate them.

Filthy things. They do that.

Come on, Jack. Let's take your break.

Can't you pull some strings?

The agency gave you a mandatory five.

You've been landing planes for 13 years.

Face it. You're burned out.

It's not a dirty word.

You need this rest.

I can't believe this!

Just because of a stinking fly.

Ow! Oh, gee!

Ow! Rats! Ohh!

Ow, that hurt!

Ahh!

What's he kicking, mom?

I don't know.

He's just a little overworked.

You know your father.

Daddy, can I drive?

Sure! I figured we'd divvy it up.

You take the second 100 miles.

Are you going to keep doing that?

Knock it off. Thank you.

I've forgotten something.

What have I forgotten?

Only the wallpaper, but we can get some on the road.

Don't mock me, Sandy.

It's the first time I've gone on one of these things.

I'm nervous.

I know. Sorry.

Is everyone wearing seat belts?

Dad!

All right. Here we go.

All right!

- All right! - Yeah!

Can't wait to swim in the ocean!

Whoo-hoo!

Next stop, Citrus Cove, Florida.

Daddy, I have to pee.

Now I know what I forgot.

How many rooms are there?

It's three bedrooms.

It's on the beach.

It was nice of Hal to find the place.

And to say that I'm cracking up.

You're not. You just need a rest.

We just got back from Hawaii.

Jack, that was our honeymoon.

Yeah.

This might be fun.

Rise and shine, everybody!

We're here!

Hey, look, water!

Could we go swimming?

Could we go swimming?

The water is beautiful!

I told you I'd find Florida.

Now you have to find Citrus Cove.

Found it.

Beach Lane. Good navigating, honey.

Thank you.

What are we looking for?

411...

- 413... - 413...

415! This is it.

Ohh!

Hal is a friend.

It's two stories. It's redwood.

Can I have the room with the balcony?

This is great!

Oh, my goodness!

Watch me shoot some baskets!

O.K., Daddy, here I go!

It really is very lovely.

I hope the keys are in the mailbox.

Just like the old man said.

O.K., let's go!

Hurry!

All right, contestants,

let's see what's behind door number one!

Oh, Jack! Oh, it's beautiful!

Look at these glass pieces!

Mom, this is huge!

They got a piano!

Oh, honey, look at the view!

We're right on the water!

Wow!

Whew!

It's a brochure.

It's a postcard.

Don't run up those stairs.

Move, Bobby!

I'm trying. They're heavy!

So is this.

Hi.

Archie!

It's O.K. He's just barking.

Just barking. Don't be afraid.

Come on, Arch!

He always barks at people he likes.

Come on, Arch!

He must really like you.

Archie, get your ass up here right now!

Where am I putting these?

Don't throw off my balance.

Finish emptying the U-Haul tomorrow.

I'm putting my suffering into one day.

I don't mind unloading bags.

I just don't want to do it for a living.

I'll go to the grocery store.

You can take the kids swimming.

Aw, gee! I forgot my bathing suit.

I guess I can't go in the water all summer.

Nobody cares what you look like in a bathing suit.

That's just it.

I'll get you one.

I won't wear it

until I lose maybe 3 or 4 pounds.

I love how you look in a bathing suit.

My mother was right. You're twisted.

Mm-hmm.

Grrr!

What are you looking at?

Uh... nothing, dad.

Yeah. Me neither.

Hey, Dad!

We want to go in!

You guys go swimming.

Aren't you coming?

I don't want to get too wet my first day.

All right. Can you hold these?

Sure. There you go.

This thing works pretty good for 8 bucks.

How do you shut it off?

Equalizer.

Loud, aren't they?

Jack Chester. I'm your neighbor.

And you're...

Having lunch.

Mmm. Looks good.

Just enjoy. I don't want to bother you.

I'll join you later for martinis.

Kidding.

Just watching my kids.

I'll be here.

Enjoy.

Aah!

Don't worry. It's dead.

I told you not to do that.

She told me to do it.

Enough!

Enough. Just take it away.

Dad, you're red.

Good.

I wanted to get a little color.

That's a good base.

That's a good base.

You got to do this in stages.

- I'll put this on. - Ow!

Does it look bad?

Your nose would show on a satellite photo.

I'm O.K. if I don't make many turns.

Where are we going?

A place called the Yachthouse.

It has fresh seafood.

Let's talk lobster.

Yeah! Lobster!

Would that be a 3-pounder?

3 1/4 pounds.

Perfect.

Yours is the next table.

Ahem.

Oh. Sorry.

Excuse me. You're next.

I'm not next.

I'm down the line.

I'm checking my dinner.

Sorry.

Excuse me. Pardon. Pardon.

Sorry. Oops!

Excuse me.

How does it look?

It'll be a while yet.

I got mints and toothpicks to hold us over.

Hey.

The same guy is in all the pictures.

Captain Al Pellet.

He's won seven years straight.

I guess he's good.

Wow! They're big!

Excuse me, sir.

How much longer?

Yours should be the very next table.

Great. I'm starving.

So am I.

It's been hours we've waited.

Excuse me, little lady.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Good evening, Mr. Pellet.

How were your winds today?

Just fine.

There will be five of us.

Would you, uh, part the waves

and let my party through, please?

It's O.K. It's O.K.

I thought we were the next table of five.

Your table should be ready shortly.

What about that group?

Mr. Pellet had a reservation.

You don't take reservations.

We don't, except for Mr. Pellet.

We'll have a table ready for you any moment.

I see several are drinking their coffees now.

Look at the menu.

I know what we're having. Lobster.

Bravo.

Bravo.

It's O.K. I took care of everything.

We're next.

Nobody tells me I can't sit.

I'll sit when I want.

We're next. We sit next.

No need for those.

Let's all have the lobster.

Show us what you got.

And, Stan, no arguments.

This dinner is on you.

He thought I'd say, "on me."

Huh?

Hey.

Maybe they're just taking them for a walk.

Look at these beauties.

Hey! Don't serve those.

What are you doing?

These are my lobsters.

You're lobsters?

You got my table.

You're not getting my lobsters.

This is your table?

My table!

Oh, I see.

This is your table,

and these are your lobsters.

Right.

I suppose this is your wife, hmm?

Is this your tie?

Nope.

Is this your shirt?

Mm-mm.

Is this your belt?

Are these your shorts?

I've been driving all day.

We just get into town.

I'm waiting two hours.

You just got into town.

I've been in town for 30 years.

30 years!

Every summer,

you renters think you can take over the town.

Boil them.

Wait a minute.

Signore, we'll have a table for you in 20 minutes.

Forget it.

We're going to a good restaurant.

You don't want to eat where there's rats.

I found rats in the back.

How disgusting.

Ohh! A whole nest of rats.

Sorry. He was obviously a slob.

This is it?

There's the barnacle.

There's the boat off the dock.

The guy at the gas station said the food's great.

And it's the only place open.

Well, it's got character and live entertainment.

I don't want any complaints.

Let's sit and enjoy ourselves.

This place sucks.

Where'd you learn that?

I told her never to say things suck.

Look. An ugly pirate.

Oh. Really?

Where?

Hello, me buccaneers.

Me name's Scully.

What might your name be, me lass?

My name's Laurie.

Where's your hand?

Oh, I don't think you want to know that.

What's it going to be?

Can you recommend something?

Absolutely.

Scully's catch of the day.

It's fresh grouper.

It's lightly breaded,

sauteed to a golden brown

in lemon butter and shallots,

with a teasing hint of dijon.

We'll take five.

Cortez!

Si, señor.

Cinco Scully's catch of the day.

Cinco Scully's catches of the day.

Bon appetit.

Thank you very much.

Isn't this place nice?

Always listen to gas station attendants.

They know where to eat.

Huh? What are you doing?

It's O.K., honey,

it's just Noxzema.

You were moaning in your sleep about your sunburn.

Why did you remind me?

Ow! It hurts!

Oh, poor baby.

I'm not a baby.

Mommy, make it go away. It hurts.

Oh!

I hate the sun!

I know.

Ohh... but I love this house.

Ooh, I love you.

Ooh! Mm! Ooh!

We should rent this house every summer.

I'll talk to the guy in the morning.

You smell so good.

It's the Noxzema.

Put some over here.

You're not burnt there.

I know.

Sandy, did you hear that?

Get up.

Archie, if that's you, I'll kill you.

Archie, what did you do?

What's going on?

Archie, there's somebody at the front door.

Go see who it is.

O.K., you cover me.

Freeze, asshole!

Take anything you want from the house.

Just don't harm the children.

I won't.

Jack...

Jack, what's going on?

Daddy...

I'll handle this.

Who the hell are you?

We're the three bears! Who the hell are you?

I'm Dan Gardner,

the owner of this house.

Look, Dan. I don't know how many owners there are,

but I rented this house from Elwin Haskell.

You rented--

May I see your receipt?

You want to see my receipt?

Where the hell's my receipt?

It's on the table.

Is this a time-share place?

Here. Month of July.

Jack Chester, that's moi.

415 Beach Road, $2,000!

415 Beach Road?

That's right.

This house

is 415 Beach Lane.

Aha!

This must be yours.

Come on in.

You have wonderful closet space.

It makes life so much easier.

Ahem.

Come on, Arch.

Come on, Arch.

Archie, come on!

O.K., kids, upstairs. Let's go.

This should do it.

It's just kibble.

You have a vacuum cleaner?

That's enough.

Do you have a dustpan?

You could leave that.

You might have a visitor,

and they have a dog.

This is excellent.

Excellent.

Archie, let's go.

Last time, you got sick.

Come on, Archie.

Here we go. Goodbye! Come on.

Have a nice summer.

I, uh... forgot my Noxzema.

Have a little patience, dear.

He does have a bad burn.

And my daughter.

I wet my bed, Daddy.

No, sweetheart. You didn't wet your bed. You wet their bed.

Flies! We got flies.

They followed me from Atlanta.

Got you!

Banana?

A little.

I called the plumber!

He might be here this afternoon.

The landlord pays for repairs.

I can't reach him. He's in intensive care.

Thank you.

Get out of here!

Pass the milk, please!

Here!

Thank you!

Here we go.

Great. Great.

What is this?

What is this?

Honey, you're wearing pajamas.

I know, I know.

Excuse me.

Why are you going through here?

Oh, perfect.

Come on through.

I'm Joe Public. Welcome to my beach.

Sandy, I'm going to take Laurie to nursery school. I'll be at the beach later.

Wait, let me get my stuff.

This isn't a nude beach.

Oh, daddy.

Who do you think you are -- Lolita?

Hi. Just move in?

Uh-huh.

I'm Russ.

Hi. Jennifer.

This is Annie.

That's a CPR doll.

Yeah, I teach CPR.

I'm known as Mr. Mouth-to-mouth.

Hey, Jennifer, let's take Laurie to nursery school.

Not today, Dad.

I thought you'd left already.

Laurie, you forgot your lunch, sweetheart.

Should she talk to him?

Why not?

Are you crazy? He's a lifeguard.

They're all sex maniacs.

His gonads are screaming "me first."

Don't worry.

I'll be around her.

I'll see you later.

O.K., ladies, let's go!

Hey, pops.

Take a bow. Jack off.

That guy looks like John Madden.

Oh, great. We live next door to lifeguards.

A whole gaggle of them.

Well, I guess I won't drown.

Mom, they whistled at us.

Don't look!

The one on the left was so cute!

Ow! Hot, hot!

Oh, uh, boy!

Ow! We should've brought shoes.

I can't walk anymore. My feet are burning.

O.K., just hop up on Daddy.

Hot!

There you go. There's my girl.

Hold on.

Whew, boy!

Here we go.

We have to find Mommy now.

Excuse me.

Ow!

Jeez, I'm sorry.

That was my hand, mister!

Sorry about that.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

It's this darn cooler.

The thing broke off.

I'm waiting for a part from Minneapolis.

Lift up your foot!

You're getting sand in my lens!

Send the bill to 415 Beach Lane.

Damn right I will!

You big bozo.

That's our lunch!

Watch it, that's my hat.

Hey, honky!

Aah!

Oh, sorry. It's just ice water.

Hey, what are you...

You should've covered it.

Watch it!

You shouldn't cook here.

Where's your mother?

Sandy!

Jack!

Didn't you hear me calling?

I've been all over.

O.K., sweetheart, get down.

Oh, am I glad to be here.

I'm glad you're here.

Can you finish blowing up Bobby's raft?

Yeah.

I'm breathing out, anyway.

What the heck.

Thank you.

How was nursery school?

It was great. She graduated.

What?

Yeah. Mother Goose retired.

What a shame.

You want to build a sand castle?

Yeah.

Hey, Sandy.

Yeah?

What's Jennifer doing there?

Talking with her new friend.

Do we want that?

They're just talking.

That's how she got here, remember?

Hey, Dad!

Here's your raft.

I want to play frisbee.

Here, catch.

Bobby, throw long.

Go!

Hey, nice one.

Albert, you octopus, you.

Hey, what are you doing?

Your wife's on my whammo.

Get out of here.

Sure, why not?

Return it to 415 Beach Lane--

Beach Road.

Get back to it.

14-13.

Control's the name of the game.

Pass it to me.

With your hands and my height, we'll destroy them.

Are you ready, mister?

Yeah, we're ready.

Let's get them!

Let's eat them up!

Go, team!

Best two out of three?

You're being too hard on yourself.

You haven't played volleyball for years.

Yeah? Tell that to Bobby.

I embarrassed him for life.

Right now he's wishing you were a widow.

Have a grape.

I think your blood sugar's low.

That's it!

How could I be so stupid?

Of course.

I'm a sailor.

I'm a great sailor...

And I'm going to take my son sailing!

Excuse me. Do you rent sailboats?

We sure do.

All right!

We'd like a look at them.

They're all rented up for two weeks.

Everyone's practicing for the regatta.

I want to teach my son how to sail.

Any other place we could rent one?

Well, there's one.

Which boat will it be?

Tough choice, isn't it?

Hey, Dad, how about one like this

without the crud on it.

That crud is crustaceous morticus,

pejoratively referred to as barnacles.

She was a fast lady in her day.

I'm sure.

We'll take the 12-footer.

That's a fine choice.

You're your own ballast in her.

That's good.

Yeah, O.K.

- Ready to cast off, son? - You bet, Dad.

You get a free lesson. I'll take this bunch out. Watch the bar.

I already know how.

Thank you.

Ready, son?

Here we go!

I got it going!

Here we go.

Bye!

You just pull the sail towards you and you're sailing.

There's a boat there!

I see him, it's O.K.

Sharp turn here.

Yeah.

We made it. Were you scared?

Not me.

I was.

I was a little scared there.

Where did you learn how to sail?

A place called Camp Weehonk.

They had a big lake.

There's the Incisor.

Yeah. Isn't she a beauty?

Let's get closer.

O.K., captain, here we go!

All right!

That sure is a gorgeous boat.

Too bad a big fart like that owns it.

Yeah, that big fart.

Watch your language, will you?

Gee. Where do you learn that?

Bear off to starboard. That skiff's close.

We got the right of way. Let him move.

We're heading straight toward him!

Smaller craft have the right of way.

I don't think he knows that!

What are you doing?

My knee! My knee!

Your bad one, Dad?

Yes, yes, yes.

You put a hole in my boat!

It's you again.

You hit my boat. You hit my boat!

Why didn't you give way?

You're telling me how to sail?

I had the right of way!

You city rat!

I got a kid.

You're supposed to move, dipshit!

Yeah, you big fart!

I'm going to get you for this!

You're finished!

No, he's not! Tell him, Dad!

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Shit for brains!

Look at this hole.

Give me a hand with the hole!

You're not hungry.

I'm not anything.

You're only laid up a couple of days.

There are things we can do.

Like what?

Well...

Free tonight, sailor?

I don't want your pity.

Take what you can get. Going once. Going twice.

I'll take it.

Now, Marty Ewing, young rookie

trying to make a name for himself,

putting for the birdie.

This green's troubled many pros today.

There's the touch, there's the roll,

and oh, my...

Look at that.

He's got that birdie.

Take another look in slow motion.

Ah! Ah! Ever so gently.

Hurry up! We are always late.

Let's get inside.

Go ahead, mom.

Come on, we got to hurry.

O.K., O.K., O.K.

Sit here for a second, sweetie.

Oh, no.

I can't believe it.

I forgot my wallet.

We're going to miss it!

Oh, shit.

I mean, shoot.

Oh, shoot!

Take their tickets out of this.

I can't let you do that.

Please, it'll be my pleasure.

Mom, let him.

If you'll let us repay you.

Fair enough. Four adults and two kids.

I'm Don Moore. My son Gregg.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

I'm Sandy Chester. This is Laurie, Jennifer, and Bobby.

Hi. Let's go.

Popcorn! Popcorn!

I'll get some.

- Hi. - Hi.

What are you listening to?

Wham. 104.

Hey.

Thanks, Dad. Want some?

Thanks.

Don Gufferson's first shot on 17.

Could be the longest one of the foursome.

All right, all right. Come on in, arch.

Couldn't you do that outside?

What do you want?

Your bone. You go get it.

Well, go get it!

All right, I'll get it. Aw, jeez.

I thought the dog was supposed to fetch.

Archie!

Archie!

Open the door!

Open this damn door!

Get out of my chair! Go on! Get out!

Get out of my popcorn, you dirty, rotten...

For you, the TV clears up!

Aah, he missed that.

Jeez!

Archie!

If I get in, you're a rug!

Ah, breakfast with the family.

Get dressed. We're going on a speedboat.

Don just called.

Don?

The guy who lent us money.

He invited us on his cabin cruiser.

You feel like it?

Ow, ow, ow!

I don't think so. Not today.

We'll do something else.

No, no. You should go.

You're sure?

Of course I'm sure.

I got lots to do today.

I'll be busy changing the air in my splint.

O.K.

Yay! We're going with Don and Gregg!

Is his wife nice?

She's in Ohio with George.

Don got divorced last year.

Have a lovely day, darling.

I love you!

I love you, too.

So, how is everybody?

Good.

You look good.

Want an orange?

Juice or something?

At 105 degrees climbing to 110,

this is a record high.

Bobby, you're doing great!

He's good at this.

All right, Bobby!

Way to go, Bob!

Hi.

Oh, what a shame.

I'm so sorry.

You didn't do anything.

I've been waiting to meet you.

Really?

I'm your neighbor, Vicki Sanders.

Jack Chester.

Listen, I just made some fresh lemonade.

Why don't you come over?

Oh, no.

Oh, come on!

I wouldn't want to impose.

Impose.

What are neighbors for?

Come on.

Really.

What happened to your leg?

Boating accident.

Does it hurt?

I suppose it would if I let it. Ow! Ooh!

It's O.K. It's O.K.

Actually, I wanted to become a pilot,

but with the family and responsibilities,

I became a controller instead.

You and I have so much in common.

I wanted to be a stewardess,

but Ed didn't want me away,

so I do electrolysis.

Hello!

Hello. Anybody home?

Looks like nobody's here.

But, mom, I have to go real bad.

O.K., but hurry up,

and don't sit on the seat.

Excuse me. I hate to bother you.

I'm dying of thirst. Could I get some water?

Help yourself.

Thanks a million.

Hello.

You have good vision?

You have to in your business.

Well, it helps.

You're very observant.

Can I have your honest opinion?

Sure.

What do you think of these?

What do you think?

About what?

These.

Oh, those.

How do they look?

Ah...

Similar.

I mean, do they look good?

I just got them.

Who had them before you?

Nobody, silly.

I just recently had them enlarged.

Oh, I see.

They cost 2,000 bucks.

It was these or a chainsaw for Ed.

Good choice.

I'd take those over a power tool.

Do they look real to you?

Well, you fooled me.

They're not too big?

No.

No, no, no.

Would that be Ed?

Yeah. He's just waking up.

Ah, you'll excuse me. I'm a dead man.

Aw, great. Husband's coming, and I blow a leg.

Again? Put your top on!

I'm sorry. I didn't see anything.

He's our neighbor.

I'm just renting.

She's boring everyone with her knockers.

I just want his opinion.

She's so insecure. Last night she shoved them in a clerk's face at the 7-11.

Honey, relax. They're beautiful. They look right and feel right.

Yeah...

Will you try them and tell her they feel right?

As a favor to me.

Oh, yeah.

Those are so lifelike, it's ridiculous.

Honey, everybody likes them.

Thanks. I owe you one.

What are neighbors for?

I gave up a power tool for those.

Well, Christmas is around the corner.

$2,000 for the set?

For both of them.

They're fun for the whole family.

We'll give you the doctor's number.

Take care.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

Hey, what gives here?

Cut that out. Get out of here.

That's our bike! Get off my bike!

O.K., who's getting the cheese omelet?

Oh, right here.

- How do you like it? - Fluffy.

Who gets sausages?

Watch it, fats.

You break the zipper--

Will you be long?

I'm next.

I have to have those pants tonight.

I only have two pairs in Florida.

Get out!

Party's over!

Get out of my house!

Get out of my house!

Get out, get out, get out!

Get off the phone!

I'll call you back. A nut's here.

Get out!

Jesus!

You, out.

Bug off, buddy.

I was here first.

Get the hell out of here now.

You get out, fella. I'm trying to watch The Smurfs.

Yeah? You're watching The Smurfs?

Did you see when Papa Smurf took a crutch

and smashed the shit out of a guy with a red hat?

Did you see that one?

Archie, you stink.

Traitor.

Morning, colonel.

Hey, mate. Good to see you.

What can I get you?

How about, uh, drunk?

We can handle that.

Thank you.

You have an ice cube for this?

You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong.

I'm telling you that as a fighter,

pound for pound,

my boy Jimmy Cagney

will disintegrate your Sylvester Stallone.

He'll knock his block off.

In a street fight, maybe. Yes. I give you that.

But not in a movie--

especially not with today's "cinemanatic" advancements.

It's technologically impossible.

Do you have any more of those little oyster crackers left?

You ate them all!

They were so good.

Maybe another beer. They're pretty filling, aren't they?

Mas cerveza!

Yeah. It's probably better for me.

That's a fine shot.

O.K., count them up.

Who threw this one?

Blue. That's you.

I win.

Hey, big winner there, Scull, man.

I love you, Scully.

It's not the booze talking.

I'm sorry I wrecked your boat.

You got to let me pay for it.

Naw, she's fine. It gives her more character.

Anyway, I should've given you that lesson.

You're at fault? You're not at fault!

I'm the one who said I could sail.

I used to sail when I was a kid,

but I can't sail.

You know what it's like to peak when you're 18 years old?

Yes, I do.

Would you like to learn to sail,

really to sail?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I call this craft Shatzie.

It's nicknamed for my sweetheart.

We name vessels after women

to remind us to treat them gently, like ladies,

otherwise they won't respond like ladies.

So remember,

always gentle on the tiller.

You understand that?

Yeah...

Oyster crackers. Good!

That should be the last of it.

Can we go home now?

You said you wanted to be a sailor.

So we'll stay out here till you become one.

Ah, this is the life.

Aye. Nothing like the sea to lift your spirits,

put a song in your heart.

I know what you mean.

You must know many ocean songs.

I do.

Here's a sea ditty me mother taught me.

Jack.

Jack.

Oh, that's cute.

Are you going to sleep all day?

I guess you are.

We'll be home early!

I'm up.

I'm up. I'm up.

I'm up.

Ohh, it's still dark.

Ohh!

I'm going to feel that in the morning.

Hi.

Buenas dias.

Where's Scully?

Thanks. Scully!

Over here!

He's over there.

That's what I says.

You know what to do?

Before I jibe, I say, "jibe ho."

That's right. Prepare to jibe, jibe ho.

Jibe ho! Whoa!

What happened? I yelled, "jibe ho."

You say, "jibe ho,"

and then you jibe.

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

Say you'll come pick me up.

Gee, I'm, uh... Yeah, right.

Let me tack.

Why don't you swim to me?

Can you tread water with that hook?

Does your head hurt?

Yes, it does.

It was my fault, wasn't it?

Oh, yes.

I guess I'm not much of a sailor, am I?

No, you're not...

But you're going to be.

When I get through with you,

you'll be good a sailor as I ever was.

Maybe better.

You want some more ice?

Aye.

I got the lotion and towels,

let's hurry, O.K.? Bye, Dad.

- Goodbye. - Bye, Dad.

What, no kiss?

Look, if your leg starts hurting,

I'll carry you.

Bye, Dad.

Bye.

I don't want to push it.

I'll just sit around and kill flies.

Honey, do you want to have a talk?

No.

This vacation was for you and you're not having fun.

Are you having fun?

I'm having lots of fun.

If you're having fun, I'm having fun.

Soon, we'll be having fun together.

I'm going to go have today's fun.

Great!

Got him!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Perfect day for sailing.

We're not going sailing. We're going dancing.

Pardon?

Know what your trouble is?

I have to lose a few pounds.

You're an air controller.

If you think you can control the sea like a 747,

I'm afraid for you.

The sea is a wondrous, mysterious, dangerous lady.

She'll make you rich

or she'll feed you to the fishes.

You can't control her.

You got to give yourself to her.

If she wants you to dance,

you got to follow her lead.

Didn't I read that on your rest room wall?

Yes. As true today as when I hung it there.

Hoist the mainsail.

Roger.

There's a difference between the apparent wind and true wind.

Watch them telltales.

That's right. Bring her about.

Take your time. Take your time.

She's a lady.

Give me a chance to get the jib through the foresail.

No, no, no. Don't pinch her.

The beam reach is your fastest line, so keep your sails full.

Hard alee!

How's that?

That's fine, but you can release your sheet faster.

- Uh-huh. - All right.

How's this?

Ah, that's fine.

Ah, nice.

All secure.

Here-- a graduation pin.

A hook from Scully's sailing school.

You're a sailor now.

Thank you very much. I appreciate this.

You didn't have to do this.

Ow!

A real hook, huh?

This is great. I'm bleeding.

Is that how you lost your hand?

Sure.

Thanks a lot.

Gregg told me about this island with excellent shells.

Could we go?

Sounds good. Jack?

No.

Why not?

Why not what?

Weren't you listening?

You don't even hear us anymore.

Of course I listen.

What did I just say?

You said I don't listen anymore.

Dad, it's for you.

Coming. See? I heard that.

You're always with Scully. What do you do all day?

Dance.

Hello? Yes, it is.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, sure. Where?

O.K.

All right. I can be right there.

O.K., fine. Bye.

What's up?

Our landlord just got out of the hospital.

Oh, good.

I've got to go straighten out our rent.

Hi. Glad you could make it.

I hate to do business here,

but the new owner insisted.

He knew the principals would be here.

He wants to wrap it up.

No problem. No problem.

I'm sorry. I thought I was going to your office.

I feel like an idiot.

Your brother was a great man, Floyd,

a beacon to us all.

He'll be sorely, sorely missed.

Now I'll sign the papers.

Could I have a little room, please?

Mr. Pellet,

this is Jack Chester, the tenant.

Well, well, well, well, renter.

It looks like you're my renter now.

I guess, uh...

I guess this goes to you then.

It's for the last two weeks' rent.

Oh, thank you.

It's a terrific place.

My family's having a great time.

The best money I ever spent.

Really?

Why you doing that?

I wouldn't take your check if my children were starving.

I want you and your family out of there by Saturday midnight,

or I'm going to toss you out personally.

I told you I'd get you.

I would have given you any amount you wanted for that house.

And that's the best money I ever spent.

So that's it?

We have to go home in four days?

We can't! Gregg was bringing me to the regatta.

I've got a date for the regatta, too.

Shut up! Stop saying everything I say.

I'm not leaving!

I don't care!

I'm not leaving!

I don't care!

There he is. Captain Al Pellet.

You shouldn't have rammed him.

You should have sunk the bastard.

He tried to buy me out once.

It didn't work. He got tough.

He tried to deport Cortez.

He called the barnacle a garbage scow.

He's a squid stick.

Squid stick. You say so.

Can't you see we're luffing? We're luffing!

Trim it!

Come on, trim it!

Does anybody remember we have a race coming up?

We're coming to the last part.

I'm about half a length ahead.

He looks over. He sees me.

He gets so frustrated, he flips me off.

Mr. Pellet.

Hey, landlord.

That's amazing. I thought they were extinct.

I could swear that's the call

of the red-beaked, seersuckered summer renter.

And it is.

Why aren't you home packing?

You took a vacation away from my family.

Now I'm going to take something away from you.

What can you take from me?

That.

What, my cup?

Yeah.

You think you can outsail me?

Yes.

You couldn't beat my dinghy.

Really?

Really.

You want to bet?

What are you going to bet?

Huh? What-- popcorn?

Lobsters?

1,000 bucks. The last two weeks' rent.

You win, we go home.

I win, we stay two weeks rent free.

Do we have a bet?

You know something, dumbo?

You're even stupider than you look.

If I win,

we stay two weeks free!

What do you think?

I think I'll start packing.

Jack, just suppose there's the slightest possibility

you might be able to win.

There's a pivotal point that escapes me.

You don't have a boat.

Aha! Yes, I do!

You do?

Yes. The Barnacle.

The Barnacle?

Yes.

Dad...

You're going to sail a fish restaurant?

Well, what do you make of my girl?

Your gunnels are fraught to thar pinions.

Your pipswain iw wantin' some crackin'.

I nay think ya'll crowdy yer dinpins.

S'no worse than yer deck hoove t'gron.

That's easy for you to say.

But what do we do about it, Angus?

Yar fastions need a wont of brookin'.

Ya'll ne'er be gradin' tow wind with yar barswain.

Uh... in layman's terms, how bad is she?

She's a total pig.

Thank you.

You're saying she won't sail?

Hold yer wind, you crusty scullard.

I ne'er said that.

She'll sail, but it'll take work

and luck to find the right sail to fit her mast.

Hacemos la suerte.

What's he sayin'?

We'll make our own luck, you dumb Swede.

Where's Angus with that sail?

There are only two more shopping days left.

He's combing the entire coast. He'll find it.

How can you be sure?

If he don't, I'll kill him.

This is too slow.

I need a power saw attachment.

Yeah. Right.

How many do you need?

You'd better keep cutting.

What are they for?

I really don't know, but we need a lot.

So, you were a sailor, Mr. Scully?

That's right.

You must have good vision.

Aye. Sure.

Vicki, they're perfect.

Did you tell her they're perfect?

They're perfect.

What are you doing?

Taking a dirty picture.

The filthiest version of you I've ever seen.

What's with Frances Farmer?

There's an outbreak of depression.

How about you?

I'm hiding it.

Kept your dinner waiting.

I'll be back in a couple of minutes.

He's so nice,

and Gregg's so funny.

His teacher asked the class

what happens after the sperm meets the egg?

And Gregg goes, "you smoke a cigarette."

You're still a nonsmoker, aren't you?

Daddy.

Just being a dad, that's all.

- How's the boat coming? - It's coming. A little slow.

- Not good, huh? - Could be better.

Hey, can't win them all.

But you'd like to win one.

One would be nice.

Here it is. Right here.

Dry rot.

I've got a thing for that.

I'll be right with you.

Right. Coming.

Hey, Dad!

Hi. What's the matter?

We made a decision. We made a decision.

Yeah? About what?

We want to help fix the Barnacle.

We thought we'd help. Is it all right?

Yeah! Come on aboard.

All right!

Hey, Dad.

What?

This could be the one.

Thanks.

My kids.

You knew that already, though, didn't you?

- God, blad! - I kliant neer t'frow,

but I nae canna locayta Sally.

Don't say you can't find a sail.

I traucht nigh to bain high upland a Fiona Tampa.

Go to Tampa, then.

Aye, Fiona Tampa.

You dumb Swede.

Nay dumb Swede, dumb Scot!

Same thing. Ha!

Honey.

Yeah?

Can you come up here, a minute?

Yeah?

Painted yourself in a corner, huh?

How do I get out?

I don't know. I did the same thing down here. Damn!

I'd like to propose a toast.

To my new friends

and to my best friends, the Chesters.

To the Barnacle for all the fun she's given us.

We've already won.

All right!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Will the crew of the Barnacle raise your drinks?

Is something wrong with your arms?

You mean we're crew?

We can race with you?

What'd I say?

Daddy, that's excellent!

And we're going to win, right, admiral?

It's gonna be a hell of a victory.

We'll have won it without a sail.

Why? Where's Angus?

Last time I heard, Savannah.

I need a grand Sally.

50 foot high, she be.

Nope. Sorry.

Never find her by tomorrow.

Simpson, that better be enough Jenny.

Yes, it is.

Tuck your shirt in, Floyd. Look like a winner.

Be of good cheer, Angus is here!

Angus! Angus!

Welcome to the 12th annual Citrus Cove Regatta.

Again this year, we have the best skippers in Florida.

The vessel to beat is the Incisor,

skippered by Al Pellet,

winner of this event for seven consecutive years.

We want to wish everyone the best of luck.

The pecker didn't show up.

He's still coughing up that dough.

- Well, what do you know? - What?

- We've got a late arrival. - They just made it.

It hasn't started yet.

Well, we made it.

Haven't made nothing yet.

Number 2827...

The Barnacle.

Ain't that a restaurant?

Look.

Well, lookie there.

It's Captain Blackhawk

and the S.S. Moveable Feast.

Don't worry. We'll have the last laugh.

Hey, there's Gregg and Don!

Hi!

We have a start.

Give them the gun.

The boat feels different.

What's different?

She's twice as big as I'm used to.

Aw, she don't know that.

You'll get the feel of her.

Just follow her lead.

It's their lead I'm worried about.

You're worried, are you?

Good. That's the proper attitude.

It's a long race. We'll catch them.

I hope so.

Ease off on the jib.

Ease off on the jib!

Aye, aye, captain.

Sorry.

Mommy, can I play in the basement with Yorku?

If it's O.K. with Yorku...

It's O.K. I play.

I'll be here.

I'm going to head up a little higher.

Head her up higher.

Heading up higher.

All right!

Look sharp.

Coming about!

All right. Hard alee!

Let's not blow it on the first marker!

All right.

Now cleat it!

Cleat it!

The jib halyard's loose!

Prepare to come about.

Prepare to come about!

Look smart on the foredeck!

Hard alee!

Coming about!

Jennifer, walk that jib across.

Aye, aye, Dad!

Angus, trim and spar the other jib sheet.

Mainsail's too tight.

Angus, loosen the main.

Aye.

Yorku, you're so pretty.

Your baby's a beauty.

Set.

Good.

Jack.

Yeah.

Take off your hat and wave.

Steady on the helm!

Dad, keep your hand on the wheel!

Sorry. Got it, though.

Thanks.

Have we fetched the second marker?

Not yet.

Damn!

They're losing us!

Prepare to jibe!

Check that turtle!

Jibe ho!

Let's get it down!

Floyd, get it down!

Prepare for the downwind run!

Cortez, drop the jib!

Hoist the spinnaker rounding the marker!

Hoist, damn it! Move!

Move! Move! Get it up there!

Trim the backsail! Come on! Hustle!

Easy aft.

All right, everybody! This is it--

the run for the money. Prepare to jibe!

- Jibe ho! - Jibe ho!

Har.

Ease the pull forward about three inches.

Take a bearing on that last craft, Angus.

How are we doing, Dad?

We're O.K.!

We're not closing.

Jack, you've done beautifully,

but this old gal ain't got nothing else to give us.

Yorku, you think we'll win?

Yes.

What you got there?

Scrod. Scully's catches of the day.

You want some?

No.

Where did you get it?

From the freezer.

Didn't I tell you to remove all the food

and the freezer?

Oh! I think you says don't move the food and the freezer.

Thank God for my bad spanish!

Todo de abajo afuera!

Everything out!

There's hundreds of pounds of ballast down here!

We're still in this race!

Kids, help with the garbage!

Come on! Let's go!

Everything overboard!

Todo afueras.

This old gal's got the straight-away power

to run the bastards down!

We give the squeeze!

You're doing great, Dad!

She's on her line!

I can feel her.

Pellet, I'm coming to get you!

Out of my way!

Eat hot waves!

We're catching up on the big fart!

Watch your language.

The kid's right. He is a fart.

Thanks, Mom.

So?

They look very natural.

Vicki!

I value a judge's opinion.

Thank you.

We'll show the people in the stands.

Good idea.

Word from the committee.

On the final leg, the Barnacle is moving up fast.

Damn it.

What's going on?

The bastards stole our wind.

- They can't, can they? - They've done it.

Can we turn the engine on till we catch the son of a bitch?

No.

I know.

Falling off. Stand by to trim.

- Aye. - What the hell you doin'?

See that plane?

It's in a Maverick microburst,

a low altitude funnel gunnel.

I've seen it at the airport a hundred times.

All right! Go for it, boy!

Here it comes. Here it comes.

Here we go!

Trim her in, you dumb swede!

Can't you see we're in a funnel gunnel!

Aye, ya lovely Sally!

We're going fast.

We're gaining.

Where'd they get all that wind from?

Dad, we're closing in!

You're doing great, Dad!

I want to get a picture of Pellet as you pass him.

Make a couple of copies for me.

We're closing in on the scurvy bastard.

Trim the main! They're gaining.

When I tell you trim it, trim it!

We're beating him!

That a way, Dad!

Faster! Faster, Dad!

We're gaining on them!

How do we get more speed?

Can't. We need more sail.

Aye. Damn it.

With two more yards of sail,

we could've made it.

Scully, take the wheel.

Ladies and gentlemen, at this moment,

the Barnacle's a real threat to the Incisor.

We're in a wind pocket?

Come on!

I told you she could fly!

We're going to beat them!

There's the finish line!

Floor it!

Go, Dad! Go!

What is it? What?

Are we dragging something?

What is it?

Aye! Mounty to the beasties!

We shall defeat thee!

Come on, Dad! Let's go!

We got it. We're so close!

Keep it up, Dad!

Pants!

Al!

He's flying his pants, Al!

The Barnacle captained by Jack Chester is the winner!

Whoo!

We did it!

We got beat by a restaurant wearing pants!

Trousers?

Is that legal?

I don't know, but I like it.

Yay!

We did it!

I did not hear that horn!

Daddy, did you win?

We won! Your dad won!

Yorku, daddy won!

Oh, wonderful!