Original subtitles

.

- OK, we have relative flexion.

Scalpel?

Surgeons are dragon slayers

and this room, my lowly knight's quarters,

these, my humble swords.

And for each beast, a unique blade-ugh-

drawn from the scabbard:

a number 10, the Excalibur of my stronghold.

- Dude, you're touching all that stuff?

- Was I?

- It took us, like, 45 minutes to disinfect.

We're gonna have to clean it all over again.

You can't keep doing this, bro.

Be considerate.

- [chuckles] My squire.

- What'd you call me? - Nothing.

[sighs] He's not that mad.

[chuckles] Is he still there?

[upbeat music]

? ?

- OK, Ms. Jacobs, you're all stitched up.

Should be good to go.

- [sighs] Last time I go hiking alone.

- Feel better.

[knocking]

- Is that Portland General's Camille Jacobs

or some maniac who got plastic surgery

to look like her? [laughs]

- Hi, Joyce. Nice to see you again.

- Oh, so you're here scouting out the competition?

[chuckles] I'm kidding.

I see you do have a laceration there.

Camille is the administrator over at Portland General.

I know, everyone loves Portland General.

They're God's gift.

And we're the ugly redheaded stepchild.

Well, that is not fair to St. Denis,

nor is it fair to redheads, many of whom,

with the right lighting and a little foundation,

also have the chance to be beautiful.

Look at Ron Howard. He's made do.

- Well, I cut my leg on a branch.

So dumb.

I was gonna drive all the way back to Portland,

but I was like, come on, you guys can handle this.

- Couple of stitches?

Yeah, I think we can handle that.

Come in with a stroke next time,

and then you'll see what we're really capable of.

- What?

- Yeah, we've done a lot of upgrades recently.

The Birthing Center is almost open.

We have a foreign receptionist.

She speaks English and...something else.

So yeah, very cosmopolitan.

- Everything looks really nice.

- Mm-hmm.

"Nice."

[mockingly] "It's so nice here at your little hospital."

Why don't you just say it's cute?

[mockingly] "You have a cute little hospital here."

[bleep] off, Camille.

Don't tell her I said that.

[keyboard clacking]

[computer beeps]

- Hmm, PIN's not working.

Please enter password?

- Yeah, they rebooted the whole system last night.

It's awesome.

All the backgrounds are bluer now.

You just have to put in your old account password.

- Yeah, but I made up my password years ago.

You still remember your password?

- Oh, yeah, SuperMatt96,

which I will now change to SuperMatt97.

No, that's burned too.

All right, I'm coming up with a new secret password

that I'm not gonna say out loud.

- Is it SuperMatt98?

- Nope.

No, it's not. [computer beeps]

- Two more tries? Come on.

- You want me to take a look?

- I don't need your help. - OK.

[computer beeps] - Matt, get back here.

- OK.

- [speaking indistinctly]

- You buy that on eBay?

- His mama has to go for a few scans,

so I said we would watch him.

Isn't he just the cutest thing?

- Kind of looks like Kenny Chesney.

- You know, this is good, 'cause I haven't had lunch yet.

But now I can just eat this foot.

And then I'm gonna eat this foot.

And I'm gonna eat this foot, num, num, num, num!

Tasty. [giggles]

Serena, can you go check on Mr. Tate?

- Oh, he's April's patient.

- I know, but she's got her hands full here

with these honey-glazed ham hocks.

Oh, num, num, num, num, num, num!

Love ham.

Num, num, num, num, num, num!

- Joyce, really, it's fine. I can walk.

- No, no, hospital policy, as I'm sure you know.

Plus, I need to give you the VIP tour.

Now, we hired a consultant

to help us maximize flow in this area.

Do you know what the number one cause of overcrowding

in the ER is?

- Is it delayed inpatient boarding?

- [imitates buzzer]

Wait, did you say delayed inpatient boarding?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, that's it.

- Are we close to a bathroom?

- No, not really.

But I want to show you the secret sauce

of St. Denis, the staff.

Ooh, there's Dr. Ron Leonard, our elder statesman.

The word "stalwart" comes to mind.

[computer beeps] - God damn it.

This place is hell. Literal hell.

- OK, well, that's enough secret sauce over here.

Let's go find one of our other delicious flavors.

- Hey, Joyce. - Nope, nope, nope, nope.

- Ugh, I love him.

I love you so much.

What's his name again? - Cason.

- Cason.

We're not gonna call you that. No, we're not.

- Wow, Mr. Tate, never had someone

mansplain their active diarrhea to me before.

- I know. I know. I owe you.

Would you mind taking him? I got to pump.

- Oh, I'll take him.

- Oh, OK. - Are you sure?

I mean, you're not the biggest baby person.

- Yeah, I want the baby.

Why not?

- [chuckles] Yeah, no-no reason.

- I'm so sick of people with kids getting so many perks.

All summer long, I'm covering shifts

because the kids are home from school.

I mean, last Halloween, I missed a sexy Muppets party

because parents got to leave early to trick-or-treat.

Wasted 30 bucks on a Gonzo thong.

There's no returns on that.

Hey, Holly, could you get labs from 105?

I'd do it myself, but this little guy needs me.

- OK, sure.

- [softly] 105 is highly contagious.

Can you say "highly contagious"?

- Hey, man, I heard about this morning.

That was really something. - Oh, come on.

- Mm-hmm, doing God's work. Let me see those magic hands.

- What, these things?

Oh, God, I've had these forever.

- Yeah. - Nice work.

- Bruce, what are they talking about?

I'm always curious to know what my star surgeon's doing.

- Oh, it's nothing.

16-year-old rugby player took a nasty hit.

I had to perform an awake cervical reduction,

realign his head with his spine.

Oh, I guess it wasn't nothing. [chuckles]

- Wow. - Wow, you did that today?

- Yeah.

- That's a level 1 trauma procedure.

Isn't St. Denis a level 2?

- Oh, it was what was needed.

And I'm trained in it, you know.

- Impressive.

I'm Camille Jacobs... - Oh.

- Administrator at Portland General.

- Oh, Dr. Schweitz. - Mm-hmm.

- That's our Brucey,

all in a day's work here at St. Denis.

Well, well, well, look at her now,

drooling over my star surgeon. [chuckles]

[whooshing] - Well, just think about it.

We're looking to fill the spot soon,

and I think you'd be a great fit.

- Ah. OK, well, I'm tempted.

- Ah, ooh.

.

- OK, the IT guy's gonna be a minute.

His wife's parole meeting did not go her way,

so he's just kind of in it right now.

- Man, this is insane.

How am I supposed to get any work done?

- Well, there's some security questions.

Let's try these.

What was the name of your favorite pet?

- When I was a kid, I had a wiener dog named Pickles.

- Aw! I got my first pet when I was 12.

- This isn't a sleepover, Matt. Try "Pickles."

[keyboard clacking] [computer beeps]

Ah. - All right, next question.

Who was your favorite teacher?

- Oh, that's my high school drama teacher, Miss Kearns.

- What? I didn't know you were an actor.

What plays were you in? - Matthew.

- Sorry.

- "Guys and Dolls." [computer beeps]

- Nope, Miss Kearns was not your favorite teacher.

All right, dream vacation?

- Alaska's always been on the top of my list.

This is a security question? - No, but it should be.

Says a lot about someone. [computer dings]

Ah, session timed out.

All right, we got to wait a while.

Was Pickles neutered, or did you let him go wild style?

- Can you just step back

just a little bit? - Yup. Oh, sorry.

I've been trying to get to know Ron better

ever since I started working here.

He's sort of the Grinch of the hospital,

so I guess I'm hoping I would be

that little girl with cool hair who converts him from Judaism.

- [sighs]

[knocking]

- Come in. Here to do a superstar strut?

- Ha, you know, I think I'll just walk in normally.

- OK, and work, work, work, work, work, work.

You're a gift. - [chuckles]

So, Joyce,

in the interest of full disclosure,

you should know that Camille offered me a position

at Portland General.

- What? That snake. - Yeah.

- Oh, she comes into my house, uses our bathrooms-

loudly, I might add. - Hmm.

- You know, I shouldn't be saying this,

but there is a sneakiness to a large percentage of women

that I simply do not care for.

- OK, I've noticed that. - Well, what did she say?

- Oh, you know, the usual sales pitch.

- No, when you turned her down.

- Right.

So I suppose the fuller disclosure

is that I'm seriously considering it.

- What? No, no, you wouldn't.

- Well, that's what I thought too.

But then I started thinking about the resources,

their patient pool.

And plus, she's talking about a 30% pay increase.

It's tempting. - I can't match that.

Our budget is stretched thin enough as it is.

I can maybe squeeze out $2,000.

- Well, it's not just about the money.

- OK, you're my top surgeon. I need you.

You can't leave. What's it gonna take?

Oh, a bigger office. More vacation time.

- I don't think that's-

- Oh, I'll let you fire whoever you want.

both: Dakota.

- No, no, this is a huge opportunity.

- Take my car.

- Joyce, you don't need to give me your-

what do you drive again?

- A purple Volvo.

- Yeah, you don't need to give me your car.

- So you're really gonna leave?

- Listen, I wasn't looking to leave.

I like it here. I love this family.

But this is an opportunity to start a second,

more impressive family in Portland.

So in a way, I have to go,

because nothing is more important to me than family.

- Hey, you mind covering for me in zone B?

I can't, you know? The baby.

- I guess.

- Hey, you've been holding him for a minute.

Want me to take him off your hands?

- Oh, no, I'm good.

This little guy is the best thing

to happen to me in a while.

- Oh, OK, then.

Yeah, did you guys hear that Serena's sick?

Mm-hmm. Well, she caught baby fever.

[whispering] And it's terminal.

[laughs]

- Dude, I am getting hooked up because of this thing.

I get to cut lines, tons of free stuff.

Everyone's being way nicer to me.

And the baby's being totally fine.

Who's fine? You're fine?

- OK, sent a confirmation code to your recovery email.

- I believe you.

- That just means we can get back in.

I sent the code to TheLeonards@brodmail.com.

- What? I can't get in that email.

My ex set that up while we were still married.

- Wait, you guys had a joint email?

That's sweet. - It is not sweet, Matt.

That woman took me for everything I own

during the divorce.

I had to buy new shirts.

- Well, if you want to log on,

you got to call her and get that code.

- There's not enough alcohol in this hospital

to make me call her.

- We could check Dr. Richards' office.

- Hey, we don't talk about that.

- Yeah.

Do you ever think that's part of the problem?

- Da-ba-ba-ba-da-bup. - Yeah.

- [humming] - What's that?

Is that the sound of someone ripping out their IUD?

[laughs] - I'm sorry, what?

- I'm just kidding, although I would support you

if you wanted to start that journey.

- Oh, you think I want one of these?

Oh, girl, not at all.

He's just getting me out of a ton of work.

- Oh.

- Yeah, everyone's offering to do stuff for me.

It's like a cheat code.

- A cheat code, yeah, that's- that's babies for you.

- Attention, everyone, I have an announcement.

Bruce Schweitz is dead... [people gasp]

To us.

He's not dead, dead. I don't know why I said that.

But he is thinking of leaving us for Portland General.

And that's just fine with us.

Because if he doesn't want us, we don't want him.

Carry on.

[microphone feedback squealing]

Come on.

- OK, I see what she's doing.

Yeah, it's the old "dump him before he dumps me."

Well, I'm not new to this.

It's literally how every one of my relationships ended.

Don't get too emo, OK?

But yeah, it looks like I'm headed for greener pastures.

Oh, it is gonna be tough to leave you, some of you.

Stella, I know we've had this unacknowledged attraction.

I mean, you've acknowledged it in your own way.

- I have a boyfriend.

- And if he knew the psychosexual games we play,

he'd end it all.

Dakota, if you can believe it,

I'm gonna miss you too, dude.

- "Dude" is a gendered term, so-

- OK, have a nice life, Dakota.

Brandon, you dog.

Good luck with the ladies. - What?

- Bruce! - Oh, God.

- I came as soon as I heard.

- Oh, Matty, you got nothing to worry about.

As soon as I get set up at Port Gen,

I'll start laying the groundwork to bring you over.

Not right away, maybe 5, 10 years.

But then I'll get you a meeting.

Obviously, no promises.

You know, we don't do nepo hires at PG.

- Yeah, I'd want to earn it.

- And you will, buddy, OK? You will.

.

- [whistles, clicks tongue] Beautiful facility, huh?

[phone ringing]

Yeah. - Hey, medevac coming through!

- Oh, that's right, they've got a helipad here.

Oh, wow, none of those at St. Denis.

Uh-uh.

No, the only thing on that roof is a bunch of dead pigeons.

[chuckles]

Nah, someone usually sweeps them up.

- Dr. Schweitz. - Oh, God.

I was trying to keep a low profile.

Yeah, I believe your head of trauma,

Dr. Rafi, is set to give me a tour of-

- Dr. Rafi's running behind.

He's gonna be another 20 to 30 minutes.

- Ooh, it's just, I have a hard out,

so if it's gonna be longer than 30,

you might need to tell him-

- It's probably gonna be over 30.

- Yeah, it's no problem.

- I don't know why he's not taking the bottle.

- Well, maybe he's full? How did the nap go?

- I tried, but he was being so fussy, I couldn't sleep.

- I meant the baby. - [scoffs]

[coughing]

Sorry, Nature Valley granola bars.

Hard and crumbly. Why do we put up with this?

[laughs]

- Dude, where is your binky?

It was right here.

- Here we go. [baby fusses]

- Yeah, I don't know where your binky is.

[baby crying] It's your responsibility.

- Can't believe Bruce is leaving us.

But I guess it's like they say, when one Bruce closes,

another Ron opens.

- Nothing's opening up, Matthew.

Here is my ex's phone number.

I want you to call her and get that email password.

She's gonna try and bait you. Do not take the bait.

She's gonna use your deepest, darkest

childhood pain to attack you.

Do not engage.

And you're gonna want to turn that volume way down,

'cause, you know, blap, blap, blap, blap,

blap, blap, blap, blap.

- OK. It's ringing.

Oh, should I do, like, an accent or something?

I usually try- [clears throat]

[with Southern accent] Well, hello-

[normally] Hi, ma'am.

I'm Matt, short for Matthew, as is convention.

I work with your ex-husband, Ron.

Great guy, by the way, as a colleague.

As a husband, I, of course, will defer to you.

Yeah, he does kind of do that sometimes.

- What? What'd she say?

- He's kind of doing it right now, actually.

- Hello, Tonya?

I'm gonna need you to check our email

and give me the recovery code.

Yes, I really need it.

And yes, it's urgent.

And no, you are not getting back

that damn rococo chair.

I told you before.

I told you before. I'm telling you now.

So you need to get that out your head.

Fine, pick it up on Sunday.

- So we have four trauma bays. ICU's down the hall.

Imaging is on 4 and 5.

- Top of the line. That's tight.

Tight AF, yeah.

- Dr. Rafi, I need you to sign off

on the Zaluva for 410.

- Yeah, I'll do it in a minute.

- Uh-oh, a little tensi�n, huh? Who's that?

- I don't know, a nurse?

- Yeah, she probably has a name, but who cares?

- And this is me.

- Oh, wow, nice.

So I'd be somewhere around here?

Hey, maybe we'll be neighbors, share some sugar.

- Yeah, we're a little full right now,

but we'll put you in the pit till something opens up.

- The pit. Sounds fun.

- Won't be too long.

People cycle in and out all the time.

- Oh, kind of like a truck stop bathroom.

Nice, love that.

And how many people are on the trauma team exactly?

- Ooh, let's see, there's nine ahead of you.

Gold, Jones, Schweitzy.

- Sorry, there's another Schweitz?

- Well, he's Schweitzman, big German guy.

I guess we could call you Lil' Schweitzy.

- Yeah, yeah, nah.

- Marcus, Jones, come meet Lil' Schweitzy from St. Davis.

- [chuckles] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Really unique culture here. I like it.

I guess I'd be the bottom of the totem pole.

But in a way, that's a good thing.

That's the base.

It holds everyone else up.

I don't even know how bottom of the totem pole

became a bad thing.

Probably 'cause animals urinate on it.

[baby cries, retches]

- Ugh, it puked on me.

How did it get on my stomach?

- Babe, that part's not spit-up.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Hey, you guys hear Bruce is leaving?

- I don't care, Keith. Get me some paper towels.

- Yum-a-rama. Someone baking banana bread?

- Get the towels, Keith.

- OK, so when the kid comes in,

they think he's just altered with a clavicle fracture.

No, turns out, I have to do an awake reduction on the fly.

- OK.

Oh, that's the end of the story.

- Yeah.

- Oh, it's just, we do those around here all the time.

But hey, man, that's great. That's cool.

- Yeah, no, exactly. It was cool.

- Hey, great meeting you, but I should head out.

I got an APR.

- Oh, woof, four hours on the Da Vinci.

- I know. - Good luck.

- Yeah, love the Da Vinch. Nice machine.

I do wish it gave haptic feedback.

That's why I prefer to use these bad boys.

- It gives haptic feedback.

- Hmm, hate to correct you, Todd,

but I've worked with it for years.

- Oh. [laughs]

You're thinking of the old model.

We've got the new one here. - Ah.

- Hello? Oh, it's 2014.

They say they want their surgical equipment back.

[laughter]

I'm just messing with you, man.

- I'll take that. 2014?

Yeah, hi, it's Bruce. I know there's a new model.

I just haven't used it yet. That's what I was saying.

So...

- He's just messing with you, Bruce.

- No, I know, yeah, busting chops.

[clicks tongue, whooshes] Love it, I can hang. Yeah.

Bald. [chuckles] Bad teeth.

- What?

- Yeah, we're having fun. Chill.

- All right, Bruce, well, great meeting you,

and I look forward- - Yeah. Hold on, wait. 2014?

Oh, you want to send an orthodontist to fix her teeth?

- Who does?

- 2014, I just said. - Yeah, but why 2014?

We have orthodontists. - It's a callback.

Anyway, I'll see you [bleep] later.

.

[indistinct announcement over P.A. system]

- [chuckles] Oh, wow.

Oh, there's a warmth to it, you know.

What is this, cedar?

- I think it's medium-density fiberboard.

- [laughing] Oh, my God, that might have been

the most Keith response you could have given me,

you lovable bozo.

And hey, you're not just some nurse to me.

No way. You're Keith.

- Technically, I'm a patient tech.

- Sure.

- And if we're really splitting hairs, I'm a-

- OK. Shh, shh, shh. OK.

[sighs] He's still writing away.

[baby crying] - I don't know what to do.

- Oh, honey.

Here, let me take him. Oh, come here.

I know, let's give Miss Serena a break, OK?

[shushing]

[baby cooing] - Oh, wow.

How long do you do that for?

- [whispering] About five years.

Yeah. - Thank you.

- Yeah, of course.

Hey, can you go irrigate the eye worm in 110?

- I would love to.

- Yeah.

Did you hear that? She would love to.

Look, I still think Serena would make a great mom

if she wanted to be.

Just because something is hard and uncomfortable

doesn't mean it can't be satisfying and fulfilling,

kind of like a Nature Valley bar.

[laughs]

There's a reason why Costco makes a killing

on these things.

- And we're in. [computer dings]

- Finally.

- Now you just need a new password.

- How about Computer123?

- Love it. That is so you.

Hmm. [computer beeps]

Oh, says here can't use any passwords

you've used in the last three months.

- What? - [chuckles]

I think that was your password this entire time.

We didn't need to call Tonya at all.

- Ugh.

- I mean, we did add each other on Instagram.

She's got great taste,

but I don't know where she gets the money.

OK, oh, you'll still need a recovery email,

ideally somebody easy to access, reliable.

- Hmm.

- Guess who has two thumbs

and is Ron's new recovery email buddy.

I am.

Yeah, Ron's a tricky one,

but you kill a guy with kindness and-

[phone dings] Oh, sorry.

What, he's already locked out? How?

OK, Tonya's gonna love this. [laughs]

[knock at door]

- Hey, burning the midnight oil?

- It's 4:30.

- Huh, I've been traveling all day, so...

lost all sense of time.

Hey, these rats are nice. Huh?

When'd you do that? A warm touch.

- They're possums. And I did it nine years ago.

- Nueve a�os.

[clears throat]

Well, I am gonna miss this old broad, yeah.

Well, it's been fun.

Just wanted to say.

- Gonna have a heck of a time replacing you.

- Ah, you're gonna be fine.

- Yep. - Yep.

- Yep. - Yep.

- Yep.

- 5 grand.

- What?

- You offered me 2 grand. I'm countering.

5 grand.

- I can do 3.

- 4?

- Do 3, and...3.

- Yeah, deal.

- Deal. - Yeah.

[chuckles]

[exhales sharply] - OK.

- All right.

[soft music]

Yeah, Portland General was crushed.

But for better or worse, I'm attached to this place,

you know, and the people here need me.

Heck, if I left, think about Keith.

There's no way he makes it through the year.

Oh! [laughing] All right, buddy.

All right. [laughs]

- I'm so glad you're staying. - Yeah, me too.

Hey, get out of here, you chipmunk.

- Love you, Bruce.

- Love you, Matty.

[sighs]

All right, should we get one

where Matt doesn't [bleep] up the take?

[bell clangs]

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