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And so then, it turns out the Terminator secretly had a kid,

ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father,

and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him!

That’s not the trailer for Terminator 5. That really happened.

Skeletor’s real?

That’s not Skeletor. That’s Terminator’s wife.

Skeletor’s a lady?

God dammit! Who the fuck do they think they are?

This is the last fucking straw! I am going to fucking kill everybody!

I am so sick of this fucking school!

This stupid school and principal have gone too far this time!

– You get in trouble again? – I didn’t do a damn thing!

I told you. This school is a den of snakes!

You won’t believe what they did this time.

We’re trying to eat.

You think I’m overreacting again? Not this time!

The school has gone too far, and it affects everyone of you.

You remember the school physical we all took last week?

The school put the sizes of all our penises

up on a big chart in the school hallway!

– No, they didn’t. – Yeah, they fucking did!

Why would they put up the sizes of our wieners?

Because they don’t fucking care! I’ve told you this.

They don’t give a shit about us. They live to make us miserable.

– That doesn’t make any sense. – Go look for yourselves!

There, you see? Can you fucking believe it?

– Is that really all our wiener sizes? – Yeah! Look at it!

It says right there, Eric Cartman 1.2″.

Why would they tell everybody?

They wanna measure my wiener, fine, but don’t put me on blast!

Craig Tucker, 2.4″. That’s about right.

Butters Stotch, 2.2″. Is that good?

How big do they say mine is?

I told you they would be interested in how much they grew

since their last physical.

You’re right. They really seem into it.

It says mine’s only 2.1″. That doesn’t seem right.

No shit, Sherlock! My dick isn’t 1.4″ either.

It isn’t!

This is another conspiracy by the school faculty.

A conspiracy?

They’re trying to stir up some big thing again.

Get all the girls all heated up over which boy has the biggest shlong!

This has to be dealt with!

Everyone’s already seen it. Nothing we can do about it.

There’s something we can do about it.

If they’re gonna put us on blast, they’re at least getting it right.

We are going to remeasure!

All right. Clyde Donovan, 2.3″.

You see, witnesses? That’s .2″ more than what they said.

– All right! – Nice one.

All right, next.

Whip it out.

It’s a little chilly in here.

Let’s see what you got going on down there.

Wait. The cold is making it shrink some.

– Where you going, little feller? – I don’t have time for this.

I can’t wait if your wiener is pulling a scared turtle.

He’s coming back out.

There he is! Who’s a little guy?

All right. Looks like we have… 2.4″.

– Really nice. – I’m hung like a horse!

That’s everybody. Let’s go post these numbers.

– What? – Didn’t you forget something?

What?

You measured everyone’s wiener except for yours.

I measured mine this morning. It’s right here at the top.

13.7″?

It’s pretty good.

Your wiener is not 13″ long!

We all got measured with witnesses. You have to too.

What are you guys gonna do? Measure my penis yourselves?

– Are you homos? – You just did that to everybody!

Fine, whatever! Go ahead!

That’s good. A little higher on Craig’s side.

– “Actual boys’ penis sizes”? – Gross!

You see? My wiener isn’t 1.2″, it’s 1.4!

What?

My wiener’s smaller than the others’? I don’t care!

Clearly, I’m very happy with my wiener.

Or else, why would I have called for this poster to be put up at all?

Don’t forget that this was all my idea!

Eric Cartman to the principal’s office immediately.

God dammit!

Let me guess. I’m in trouble again.

– You’re darn right. – For what?

Why did you measure all the boy students’ penis sizes

and put the results on the school bulletin board?

Why did you do it and put the results on the school bulletin board?

– What? – I don’t care if Obama is president.

You don’t go around putting little boys on blast,

telling the world the lengths of their dicks!

Are you talking about the numbers we published from the physicals?

You’re damn right! 1.2″!

I’ll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4″!

Maybe it’s still the smallest, but it’s .2″ bigger that you said!

The numbers we put up were height differentials.

We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student

has grown in height since their physical last year.

You grew 1.2″.

Those weren’t our dick sizes?

Why would we publish the length of our students’ private parts?

– I don’t know. Why would you? – We didn’t!

Crap!

Everyone knows my wiener is smaller because of me?

This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about.

You get angry about something, you don’t think,

and you cause bad things to happen.

This time, you’ve done it to yourself!

Oh, God!

Why couldn’t I have taken a minute to think?

Because you have an anger problem.

Fuck you! No, I don’t!

What we need to figure out,

is are we dealing with bipolarism, some rage addiction…

It could be a lot of things.

He has a temper sometimes, but he’s not all bad.

Let’s try an experiment.

I wanna see what kind of things trigger you.

How do you think you would react if I said negative things about you?

Honestly, I wouldn’t really care.

What if I were to tell you that I think you’re fat?

I think you’re a fat little boy.

I think you’re way too fat for your age.

Does that make you feel any anger?

Huh, fatty? Jelly belly?

You got jelly in your belly, you little fat fuck.

You get angry when someone tells you you got tits like a 40-year-old woman?

Fat boy?

You like that? Shitty titty jelly belly?

He’s a big boy!

Get that fatty some mud flaps for his ass!

Big ol’ jiggly fatty butt!

I just don’t see it.

Your son doesn’t seem to be triggered by anger at all.

He’s one of the more even tempered children I’ve ever seen.

Your wife’s on the phone, says it’s an emergency.

Excuse me.

Carol, what…

Calm down.

What do you mean?

Web chat with what…

What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would never…

I don’t have a criminal record…

Who is Mitch Connor?

There can’t be a police report. There’s no…

Put down the gun! Sweetie…

Put down the…

I’m not fat. I’m big-boned.

Thank you for coming.

We called you in, because we’ve had a little incident at the school.

The 4th-grade boys measured their penises

and posted results in the school hallway.

Oh, dear.

This issue can have a troubling effect that can get blown out of proportion.

Did they measure from the base or from the balls?

How did this school let this happen?

Now, boys’ fascination with their genitalia is a natural thing.

We simply need to find a way

to help the students understand what they’ve done.

I’m a scientist. I think it’s best I handle this.

Hello, students. My name is Dr. Marsh.

I’m gonna talk to you a little bit about what happened yesterday.

How do a man and woman make a baby?

Anybody?

A man and a woman, what do they do to make a baby?

How about the girl in the brown coat. Yeah, you.

– They have sex. – Good!

The man puts his penis…

into the woman’s vagina.

Sometimes, a man…

can feel like how long his penis is is actually important.

But is it?

When you boys measured your penis length,

the truth is it doesn’t really matter.

What does matter is…

length times diameter, plus weight over girth,

divided by angle of the tip squared.

When we are talking about penis size, we can’t just use a tape measure.

We need a scale and a protractor as well.

Let’s look at it on the graph.

Follow along with me on your study sheet.

I want to congratulate all of you for making the effort to come

to anger management class.

We didn’t make any effort. We didn’t have a choice!

This is bullshit!

Together, we’re gonna learn what makes us angry,

and how to better deal with it so we don’t get into trouble anymore.

So lame. Why doesn’t everyone just die?

If somebody order the city beef,

and complain, because they say they ordered the city shrimp,

it’s not a my fault

he gets a city chicken poured all over his fucking head!

We have good reason to be angry.

This country is going to shit!

We have exactly twelve days before the oil is gone,

and our president is a socialist who wasn’t even born in America!

Right.

What we all need to do is channel our reasons for anger

and learn to control it.

Man, this shit is whack, mah. I just seen all this shit front in, mah.

Don’t understand. Ain’t no fucking good, mah.

Bitch be coming. Tappin’ that shit, mah.

Why the fuck am I here?

I know you want to control your anger and become a better person.

I got problems like these fucking people?

I’m not saying that at all.

I’m saying how amazing you are for wanting to…

lessen some of your more…

less awesome attributes.

That’s cool.

And so, by dividing the weight and the girth of the penis

by the angle or the… What do we call it again?

The yaw of the shaft,

what we finally get is the adjusted penis size or TMI.

Any questions so far? Yes, little girl over there.

What’s a penis?

Good question. The penis is…

the thing we’re talking about that boys have that we’re measuring.

Any other questions?

So let’s move on to the example on your study sheet.

How about you, could you read it for the class?

Example one, young lady, please read the problem out loud.

“Example one:

“Randy has a penis that is 4.4″ in length.”

4.4″.

“Its angle is 32°.

“Its flaccid girth is 1″ in diameter.

“His balls are 7 cm from the base.”

7 cm.

“Randy notes that the drift of his penis

“is 4 cm to penis right,

“and its dead weight is .5 kg.”

And so, divide by the 17, carry the one and we can see that…

Randy’s adjusted penis size or TMI is…

6.3″.

Do we got that?

Randy’s length is 4.4″,

but his adjusted length is 6.3.

So how does our example person Randy

compare to others on the TMI scale?

By referring again to the TMI chart,

we see that a TMI of 6.3 is .8″ more

than the national average.

What we’re going to do now is get to the root of all your anger.

Daniel, could you stand up?

What makes you the angriest?

Stupid ass blind liberals!

Chase, could you stand up and pretend to be a stupid ass blind liberal?

And what makes you angriest?

Scrawny ass sissies!

Daniel’s a scrawny ass sissy.

He just cut in front of you in line at the bank. Go!

What? You think I got a small dick?

I don’t have a small penis! My wife thinks it’s perfectly fine!

Why don’t we do some role playing with Wayne D?

Who gets angriest at his mom.

Gretchen, could you play Wayne D’s mom?

Yo bitch!

You think you bad just cuz you a mom

don’t mean I can’t put a cap in your ass, bitch, mah!

I may be female on the outside,

but I still have a bigger penis than you!

I don’t have a small penis. It isn’t true!

Enough!

I’m sick of everyone talking about penis size!

It doesn’t matter!

Does everyone here have an issue with their penis size?

– Not me. – My shit be packin’, mah.

My penis is 13″ long!

My name is Rebecca Turnoud.

I’m an actual doctor of human sexuality and behavior.

Unfortunately,

you have been taught very wrong ideas in the past couple of days,

and I’m here to set things straight.

Thank, God!

I want you to try and forget these wild theories

and understand that all that’s important

when it comes to a man and a woman making love is actually…

length times girth, over angle of the shaft,

divided by mass over width…

We all want to welcome our new member, Randy.

Say hi to everyone.

Suck it, all of you!

We’ve been trying to channel our anger in more constructive ways.

Why don’t you share what’s bothering you?

You don’t just go around changing math!

Who is this chick Surgeon General appointed by Obama?

God damn right! Socialist fascists!

Power to the people! Burn it down!

Burn it down!

This is what we are here to try and work on.

Fuck you! We’re burning this shit!

If you take a minute to think about your anger…

Yeah, dude!

Mah, that shit be burnin’ ’n’ shit, mah!

Welcome to FedEx. How can I help you today?

I’ve got some birthday presents I need shipped.

Alrighty, let’s see what kind of…

– Burn it down! – Burn it down, dude!

Let’s see how the government likes it

when we shut down their Federal Express!

I’m standing outside the FedEx in Fairplay, Colorado,

where a radical political group has taken several people hostage.

They call themselves “The pissed off and angry party,”

and they allowed me to speak with them moments ago.

This is a call to all angry people. We’ve had enough!

We’ll hit the government where it hurts. Right in the Federal Express!

What exactly are you angry about?

We’re angry about this stupid liberal government

and fascist lies, media control and…

And Jews!

Jews and all the stuff that the government’s doing!

You’ve got a lot of people scared. What are your demands?

First of all, we want that Surgeon General to step down!

– And we want… – Obama’s real birth certificate!

We wanna see Obama’s real birth certificate!

And…

And my mom gotta stop trippin’, mah. Bitch be trippin’ all the time, mah!

We want our moms to stop tripping, man,

’cause them bitches be tripping all the time!

And I think that…

– Is that it? – And fuck Kyle!

And fuck Kyle!

Surgeon General’s resignation, Obama’s real birth certificate,

moms to stop tripping and fuck Kyle. You got that?

Or else, we’re gonna bring the Federal Express to a grinding halt!

Does it bother you that the FedEx is not affiliated at all

with the federal government?

That doesn’t matter.

Fuck, really?

What are you doing?

Homework. I just don’t get it.

That is the fourth time I’ve calculated, and it’s below average.

I thought I was hung, but my TMI says I have a micropenis.

– Your TMI? – I don’t understand it.

I’m starting to feel angry!

Put your clothes on!

What’s the point?

What’s the point of life anyways? All you do is yell at me!

And the government! It’s lead by fascists!

And everyone’s a Justin Bieber wannabe!

I wanna go and drive a hummer. That’s what I wanna do!

I wanna drive a car that goes vram vram vram!

What does driving a car have to do with your penis being small?

Everyone who’s pissed off and angry is rallying to take down America.

Join the fight!

We’re gonna take down the Federal Expresses,

the American Apparels

and the American Furniture Warehouse!

We are fed up, and we’ve had enough!

Surgeon General, twelve more FedExes have been taken over.

The pissed off and angry party’s gaining support.

They’ve shut down American Airlines

and American Apparels all over the country.

We have to ask you to step down.

Are you seriously saying we’re going to give in?

They’re all really angry. We have to make them stop.

Is the team standing by to fuck that little boy Kyle?

Team standing by.

– Let me through! – Who is this?

Surgeon General, I believe I know why this is happening.

I have found a direct correlation between anger and TMI.

Anger equals length times width,

over mass squared minus angle of the shaft,

plus yaw.

We all get angry, but when someone is consistently angry,

or always finding new reasons to be angry,

it means they have a very, very, very, very small dick.

Your theory is fine, but it doesn’t matter.

The TMI equation is true solid science, which cannot be changed.

There’s nothing we can do.

Isn’t there?

Isn’t…

there?

We’ve waited long enough. Let’s kill these sons of bitches!

They aren’t gonna give us what we want.

Let’s cap these bitches

’n’ leave ’em in the back of the buildin’.

Come over here.

We’re interrupting for a message from the Surgeon General.

Fellow Americans, as you all know,

the TMI scale was implemented long ago

to assure that each and every American could accurately measure their junk.

The established equation is a hundred percent accurate.

However, due to recently collected data,

we are making one change.

The national average for penis length is now officially moved,

from 6″ to 1.5″.

Anyone with a TMI of over 1.5″

is considered above average.

The winds of change are blowin’

There’s excitement in the air

Can you feel it?

It’s electric and magical

The happy train’s on track

Because America is back!

– Come on! – Wait, what?

America is back!

According to that scale, I still have a small wiener.

I’m still fucking angry!

And we’re back!