Original subtitles

This better be good. I stopped cooking for this.

- You cook? - Do not confuse me cooking bitches in Call of War

with the lady bitch cooking you do in the kitchen.

- Okay, it's too early for you. - Oh, you're telling me!

My alarm interrupted my wet dream.

- Ugh! - It was going to be a wet dream,

but then I woke up before it was a wet dream.

- Stop saying wet dream. - We were referees and we were watching Hulk Hogan

and Cate Blanchett absolutely ravage my asshole.

I mean, toss it like a Caesar salad,

like, destroy me like an old Italian restaurant--

No more talking until I've had my coffee.

And after that, still no more talking.

- Why are you so chipper? - Because big things are happening this morning.

Don't talk about my dick in front of Violet.

- Makes her uncomfortable. - He said big things,

not tiny disease-ridden things.

Not morning people, I see.

But I'm glad you're here, because guess what I got?

- Matching sandals! - What? No, I'm not--

Is it a dog? Uh, did you get us all a little dog?

For, like, the little office dog?

No. And please stop guessing.

- Is it ninja stars? - So, after we got banned

from selling Crime City Seven,

I thought we were finished. But then I found these.

Arcades! For passive income!

Wow! Those are so fucking cool!

- Really? - No.

Why would you be excited

about this trash games?

Hey! They're not trash!

Okay, yeah, I did find them on the side of the road, but--

Ah, the side of the road, nature's treasure trove.

You know, my mom wouldn't buy me a queen size bed

because she said it'd give me an "ego."

But then, the street provider--

You sleep on a street mattress? Dude,

- that probably has bedbugs. - Oh, it definitely has bedbugs.

- Oh, God! - Na-- Don't worry, don't worry!

I'm immune. My doctor said that I have weird blood,

- so even the bugs hate it. - Why aren't we more hyped about this?

I mean, this is like a sign from the universe.

No, it was a sign from Sanitation

that it's fucking trash day, idiot!

- Okay, what makes us special? - Uh, you're extra chromosomes?

No. Our appreciation for the good old days of gaming!

OG consoles, old-school games!

That's why I decided to make Game Bros retro.

Why would anyone wanna play these two-bit dumpster fires

when you can play an FPS and headshot fuckers

- with an MTZ-556? - Hold on.

It says here there's a capacitor problem with these arcade machines

leading to a screen malfunction which caused seizures in some individuals.

That's pretty cool. Zack, you should play one.

That's not a thing. You can't believe everything

- you read on the news. - Jake, these were discontinued.

Even better! We're the only ones that have it!

- Exclusively retro! - That's one way to look at it.

Well, if we're going retro, then why isn't Violet

in the kitchen making us sandwiches?

- Aaron! - Can you do something?

- I would like a cheese sandwich. - Zack.

Just when you get a chance!

- A lot of cheese! - Stop.

In...

- ...and out. - And out through the mouth.

Feel the air

flow into your lungs.

And then, let your muscles--

Hey, Hunter!

Hey, dawg! You ready for Vegas, baby?

I'm not going to Vegas. Am I? Why would I be going to Vegas?

'Cause... you're about to get a chunk of money. We about to blow it.

And by blow it, I mean... cocaine!

Sing it with me, come on.

♪ Drugs and hookers ♪

♪ Drugs, drugs and-- ♪

Dude, I-- I don't know

what you're talking about.

I talked to Bruno.

Deal's done, man.

No, the deal is not done!

I told Bruno we're not selling.

I hate to break it to you, broseph,

but that is not what Bruno thinks.

Did you shake hands?

Why are you so upset, man? This is what you wanted.

I absolutely did not want to be in a deal with the Albanian mob.

And I don't wanna sell anymore!

Bruno is on his way to you. I am working in here!

Do I interrupt you when you're fucking the gardener?

Sorry, I gotta go.

Feel the air...

- Breathe in. - ...flow into your lungs.

- And out. - And then, let your muscles relax.

- Peekaboo. - Oh, my God, Lacy!

M. Night Shyamalan-level plot twist.

If that means I've been dead all along,

it would be the best news in weeks.

Aw, poor baby. Oh, God.

You're making me feel so maternal.

Momma's gonna help you.

And I'm gonna give you some motherly advice pro bono.

Everyone, everywhere, is trying to steal from you.

Always.

- That's not true. - It's not?

Tha-- that's my credit card!

- I lost this last week. - No, I stole it last week.

You know, once we get

these bad boys up and running,

we're gonna be drowning in quarters.

- Anything? - Nope.

You know, someone who's pretty good at this thing is Lance.

I-- I don't need help. I,

I watched six YouTube videos, so--

Well, if you change your mind,

he would come by to help you.

No, thank you, got this!

It's easy. Just need to--

Ow. I'm stuck.

- Violet, I'm stuck, I'm stuck! - Calling Lance.

I-- I don't need Lance!

See? Got out of there!

I'll just explain to him that it's just one big misunderstanding

and, and he'll totally get that, right?

- Not likely. - Well, I never signed anything,

so he can't force a sale.

- Uh, he can. - Okay, I'll just call the cops.

- Snitches get stitches. - Okay, well, how about you help me

- come up with some ideas then. - I could get you, like, a completely new identity.

I actually have a few ready to go.

How do you feel about the name Diane?

- Next idea. - Have you considered murder?

I don't know what to tell you! Those are my best two ideas!

Elliot, there's some NPC here for you.

Yeah. Uh, bring him back.

Do I look like your fucking secretary?

- Do it yourself. - Oh, my God, Bruno!

Whoa! Enemy dropping in the AO!

I told you to wait your ass out there.

Aaron, it-- it's okay, thanks. Uh, you're dismissed.

Bruno! Just the guy I wanted to see.

Can I get you a drink? I have, uh, water.

So, uh, funny. I don't think

we're on the same page. You see, uh, we don't have a deal.

I've decided we're not gonna sell the store.

Yes, you are. We had handshake.

And the only thing able to remove Albanian hand agreement...

...is Albanian head removal.

What? I mean, huh?

What? Bruno, why do you even want this shithole?

Bruno will level with you.

My family want this place to launder money.

Oh, you could not have picked a better place!

I mean, there is literally zero foot traffic,

physically, no sales, and... [whispers] history of incompetent management.

My family want to use Game Bro for illegitimate business.

Mm. But, but Bruno want to use it

for legitimate business.

I love video games, huh?

Shooters, stabbers, uh, cutesy farm simulators, all of it.

I-- I have dream to own game store.

No, don't! Don't! Oh, don't! Bruno...

...don't do this to me and my brother. It's our dream!

Mostly his dream, but also kinda mine too, now.

So, if you get your dream, we... lose ours.

Okay. I'm okay with this.

I want my dream and not yours. Yes.

No, no! Fuck! Fuck! No!

Oh, no! [grunts] I guess that's just the way it is, huh?

Well, can you let me break it to my brother, please?

It is acceptable. You have one hour.

Whoa. No, that's, that's not enough time.

He's-- uh, I need to break it to him gently. He's very sensitive.

I will be here until it is finished.

I just, uh, can't really have you hanging around the store.

Then we, uh, should start

the Albanian head removal process, yes?

Oh! Fun! That won't be necessary.

I will be new intern.

- Oh! - I will pretend I am here to learn how to Game Bro,

when silently, I am shaking you down.

Your employees will teach me everything I need to know,

and then I will fire them. American dream, no?

Yeah! [chuckles] I mean, I'm not really sure

- how the team will buy the story. - Okay.

That's another handshake.

Oh, my God.

The Albanian-American

International Employee Cultural Exchange.

I buy it. I've watched enough shows on TLC

to pretty much believe anything.

Don't we have to send someone to Albania?

I am not taking any questions right now.

Look, he just means to learn how to work here,

so he can show his family how to open up a store similar to this one.

Yes, very similar to this exact store.

Well, he can squad up with Zack.

I don't like his accent. Sounds Russian.

And after the MW2 airport massacre,

I trust no Russian!

Happy to oblige. Uh, you came at the right time, my friend.

Black Friday is right around the corner, and we got lots to learn.

Oh, we will have this holiday in our country also!

Uh, how many witches will we burn?

We will start with this one?

Big joker, this guy!

Bruno, please don't burn anyone.

And, as for the rest of you, get back to work!

Enjoy your jobs!

You never know how long you'll have them.

I don't like you.

But if you wanna set her on fire, let me know, I'm down.

- Don't look at me. - Fresh meat, huh?

I've been waiting for an underling to come around.

You know, in pretty much any scenario, I'm a bottom.

- But today, I'm a power bottom. - Not sure you know what that means.

It means I can control the depth of my penetration.

- Yep, you get it. - But no penetration today.

You are my bitch.

And, and you're gonna go get me a soda, fresh meat bitch!

- Fresh meat boy. - You are actually an intern, right?

Yes!

I will go fetch soda for sickly child.

Look at us, hazing the new guy. Oh, what should we do next?

- Uh, should we, should we spank his little butt? - What?

These things wouldn't get turned on

if your mom was sitting on their face.

- So you're calling my mom hot? - What? No!

No? You just basically said nothing could turn these things on,

even my mom sitting on their face.

Oh, my God! Uninstall!

Jakey boy! V said you needed my help with this, or--

Uh, no. Don't-- don't know why she called you.

- I have everything under control. - Dude, these are

some sick cabbies, muchacho!

I haven't seen Mrs. Muncher in years!

Dude, if you get this up and running,

you're drowning in quarters!

- Yeah, that's what I said. - Dope. I mean,

it must be why V likes you so much.

You remind her of me.

So, uh, you've been inside her yet?

What? [chuckling] No! No, we're just friends.

- She's an employee. - Dude, I'm talking about the machines!

Oh, my gosh! That is sick, though! You can manage to be V's friend.

Dude, I could never be friends with a chick that hot.

Look, Lance, I'm-- I'm sorry you came

all the way down here for nothing, but seriously,

I-- I already figured it all out,

I was just getting ready to plug it in now. So--

- Oh. - Everything turned off.

- Why are the lights off? - Do you wanna play

"Where's my finger?"

Hey, hey, hey!

Aw.

Cock blocked by a robust power grid.

Oh! Hey, um, question, while you're down here.

When Bruno comes on, do you think that

he'll be cool with me going in on this money laundering thing?

Because, let me tell you what?

I have come into some money recently, and it is dirty.

Stop, stop, just stop! Can you just actually go?

You are the opposite of helpful. And... some of the things

that you have said are very concerning.

You fight for your right, sweetie!

- Thanks for helping. - Oh, dude, no sweat.

I love these things, takes me back.

I mean, anytime someone would have, like, a birthday party

at a bowling alley or whatever, I would just

park my ass in the arcade.

- Honestly, same. - Favorite arcade game ever on three.

One, two, three.

- It's a tie. - Between...

Time Crisis II and Marvel vs. Capcom 2.

Dude, no way! Are we best friends?

I wouldn't kind of go that far. I mean, that was--

that was crazy, but, um, I guess you're not so bad.

Dude, you gotta come party with me and my boys this weekend.

My homie, Chaz, loaded.

He's got all this banned liquor and a golden toilet

- you can throw up in. - Yeah, yeah. I'll, uh, I'll, I'll think about it.

I mean, he kind of, like, needs a head count, so--

Yeah, I've been on 13 tours

and had over a 100,000 confirmed kills.

- What's your KD? - It's very impressive.

I have killed nine people and died zero times.

Zero deaths!

Bro, you're a fucking beast!

Um, what are you doing?

This is skill-based matchmaking. You don't belong in this lobby.

- Boot it! - We will rig quarter machine to give two quarters per dollar.

Then, when they complain, we say, "Machine gave quarters.

- Did not say how many." - Headshot biatch!

- Jake's not gonna go for that. - It's not Jake's choice.

What do you mean by that?

Bruno, what are you doing?

Get over here now!

Pig King call me. I must continue "intern roos."

You did just hear him say "roos" and that really weird thing about Jake, right?

You are like PlayStation AI in the chat.

No one wants you here! Fucking leave!

I'm doing all I can. This thing is fucked.

Speaking of fucked, I'm taking Violet to get a Smashburger.

- You wanna join? - Uh, I'm not-- I'm not hungry, thanks.

Okay. See you at Chaz's later. I'll hit you up.

Hey, babe! Let's go smash!

- Hey, bro. [sighs] Got a sec? - Oh, wait. Okay.

You know Violet's lame boyfriend? He might not actually be lame.

- And I think we might be friends. - That'll make it

a little difficult for you to cock him.

I would not betray somebody that I care about, I'm not some heartless jerk.

Yeah, you're a good guy.

So, what do you wanna tell me?

Um... I'm... hungry.

Oh, great. Let's get some Smashburgers.

Oh, no, no, y-- you don't have to do anything--

- yo-- you-- at all, actually. I could just-- - No, I know. Hey,

- no onions. I got you, man. - No-- Jake!

you don't have to do that.

Jake.

Have you betrayed your Game Brother yet?

Any minute. He just needed to eat.

Don't wanna break his heart on an empty stomach, you know.

But... soon. Very soon.

Soon is cool. Bruno is patient man.

But Bruno... is also not...

...patient man.

What the fuck.

- Are you crying? - No. It is the onions on the burger.

There are no onions on that burger.

I know. He's so good to me!

Okay. I don't really have the capacity for Emotional Elliot.

Seriously, who is that new guy?

He's just the new intern, okay? Very legit.

Okay, sure. I'm just gonna go ask Jake.

No, no, no! Don't. Oka--

Okay, I'll tell you.

- I accidentally sold the store to the Albanian mob. - What?

It was a misunderstanding, and I tried to stop it,

but it's the literal mafia, and I've lost control of the situation.

And that's the truth. And I haven't told Jake yet.

- Wow. - Yeah.

I'm fucked. I'm fucking fucked.

Yeah, that's a lot.

Actually, I'm just gonna let you

deal with that, and I'm probably gonna just pretend

like I don't know that information.

Witch looks pissed. You should burn her before Black Friday.

Listen, Bruno, about the whole Albanian handshake thing.

Not now. I am on very big intern quest.

Do you know where I find the Snizzard?

- Snizzard? - I need to find the Snizzard

and bring the Pig King or else I no become real Game Bro.

Zack is messing with you.

There's no such thing as a Snizzard.

It's like a made up creature. It's like a prank.

Do you know what a prank is?

- Pig King lied to me? - Yeah, I'll, I'll talk to him.

He made me look like an idiot.

Childhood, you know, wish I could go back.

Are you done talking?

Cause I called in an airstrike in the bathroom.

- Go clean it up! - That's Bruno's job now.

Yeah. I'm not the bottom anymore.

I'm the power bottom.

Well, then I guess Bruno should go clean up all the shit from my power bottom.

- You. - Whoa!

Turn off cold-blooded, you fucking creep!

No, no!

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

You were clear. I found the Snizzard.

What? You did?

A little-- little, like, lizard, with the-- this-- the wings and the little,

- the little penis? - I found it.

What the fuck is a Snizzard?

In our dungeon? I-- I mean, it's a crawl space,

but, uh, in my mind, it's a dungeon.

And that's where sassy little boys go.

Uh, so you don't wanna end up down there. So, uh, if I were you,

I'd clean the bathroom.

- Snizzard is there. - Oh.

- Go. - I don't need to.

Why are you touching me--

N-- Yeah! I'll go down 'cause I want to.

My body, my choice.

- No Snizzard. So, this is good. No! - Say "hello" to Snizzard.

No, no! No one's gonna hear me!

It's soundproof here-- No!

Now you are sassy little boy in dungeon.

No more lies!

Guess this is what my ancestors went through.

- Uh, uh, wh-- who the hell are you? - That's the new intern.

- He's got a big, fat KD. - Bruno is not intern. I am boss.

- This is my store. - Whoa! Bruno! Man!

Eager beaver over here, am I right, guys?

Oh, man-- I smell a promotion.

Just tell him. Jake, he owns the store now.

Elliot got in over his head and sold him the store.

- What? - Holy shit.

We're spawn swapping?

- I fucked it. - Um, in his defense,

he was actually trying to fuck you over with someone legit.

He didn't mean to ruin your life with the Albanian mafia.

Yeah. How was that in my defense?

I knew you were a spy!

Never forget.

- No Russian. - Yeah, no.

I say "no" to you.

I don't care you-- that you're mafia.

- Not for sale. - Baby, baby. I see what you're doing.

I would hold off on the big dick energy

until you've heard the alternative

- because it is beheading. - It is done deal.

This is mine. And that.

And that.

- You betrayed me. - Game Bro slaughtered your dream

to make way for the mine. So now, your dream is my dream.

And so is this, and that.

- And this is mine. That's mine. - Gotta go along with that.

- Everything was going so well. - This...

- We had the whole retro thing going for us. - ...that...

- And-- and I made a friend today! - ...this is mine.

I was supposed to puke in the gold toilet at Chaz's house.

- Wait, you know Chaz? - This is mine.

This is mine!

You have to do something. Stop him!

Dude, I've tried. There's nothing--

- Oh, that's gonna fuck his KD. - Well, that'll work.

Holy shit! The game gave him a seizure!

Jake, wait.

Ooh! Jake!

Jake. Jake!

What do you wanna do? You wanna fight me?

I, I, I won't fight back, you can just have at it.

Yes, Elliot. I wanna beat the shit out of you, okay?

But every time I try to put my little brother in his place, for being a dick,

somehow I get in trouble or I get hurt.

Well, it's 'cause you fight like a toddler.

I don't care, okay? Look.

I thought this was gonna bring us closer.

I know, I get it, I suck, I'm a terrible brother.

I know I should've told you about this, and that was stupid,

but... I really thought we could make this work.

We still can, I'm not giving up!

If you two are done giving each other blumpkins,

you should get your asses in here,

you're never gonna believe this shit!

Oh! He woke up speaking Spanish

- and remembers nothing. - Why am I not surprised that Lacy speaks Spanish?

She told him he was a customer who passed out in our store, and we've never met him.

Bro, you called in a fucking nuke with that trash arcade!

- It's a fucking sign, dude. A good one. - Aren't you glad I work here?

- You don't work here. - Fuck, yes!

Top of the leaderboard!

Headshot biatch!

What the fuck is that? No! No!

Guys, guys!