Original subtitles

So, if you don't wanna be a noob, Call of War 18.

- Uh... hardly working? - I have cramps. Leave me alone.

- Do you need to go home? - I need you to leave me alone.

Okay! Jeez.

This isn't for me.

I only play games on my phone.

Oh.

- What are you doing? - I'm banning you!

We don't serve mobile clowns here.

- Okay, then give me my money back. - No way!

I secured the package.

- You're the noob who lost it. - I wanna see your manager.

Oh, you wanna see my manager, Karen? She's right here.

Aaron!

What is happening, man?

Thank you for shopping at Game Bros. Please come back.

Yeah, right.

Psychos.

Uh, my friend ID number is 6-5-2-7-8-1-3-4.

- You are not writing that down. - I have to g-- uh,

go do literally anything else.

- Oh! - You're so close.

- Oh, you think she's gonna hit me up? - No.

I can't wait to strangle some hookers and run over cops, so just ring me up.

Wow, that's rude and intense

- for a young kid. - Who are you, my fucking mommy?

Now, just take money and give me game!

No, I-- I won't give it to you.

"Take money, give me game." Goodbye!

All right, listen up everyone.

You guys work in customer service,

and yet, you have systematically scared off every person

who's actually decided to walk in here.

- Do you see why that's a problem? - Oh, when did you start

caring if we win? You've been team-killing Jake

- since the game started. - No, I haven't.

You literally tried to burn the store down.

That was a joke, okay?

And even if I had, at least I was trying to make

some money for this place!

You guys are the cure for profit.

I need to figure out something you gaggle of jerks can't fuck up.

Nerd!

Could use the word gaggle though.

Lacy, I see you still don't ever work at your actual job.

I see you're still pretending not to be a backstabbing little prick.

I really did change my mind, okay?

I actually have a plan to help.

So I'm not gonna sell to Bruno or anyone,

so just don't fucking tell anybody about our little secret, okay?

Okay.

I think I like this caring boss vibe.

What say you and I go into the alley and make our own secrets?

You hesitated, I'm over it.

Ugh.

Oh, shit!

We selling cards now? What, we have a nursing home stopping by later

for a solitaire tournament? What's next? Fucking Bingo?

These aren't just cards, Aaron. These are very rare collectibles,

and, you know, these are my personal collection, so don't--

- How much is this worth? - Less now that you're touching it!

You know what? I took a shit and I didn't wash my hands.

- Is it worth even less now? - Worth even less

now that you put your shit germs on it? Dude, yes, it was 50 bucks!

$50 for this? That's the cost of a steak.

- Hmm, I wonder if it tastes like a steak. - You asshole!

Wait, didn't you have shit on your hand

and then you put it in your little shit mouth?

You shit all over your mouth.

Hey, since you guys aren't busy...

...come with me.

Oh, God.

- Loser. - Oh, my God!

Where did you come from?

The shadows.

Hey... [sighs] I think I know why the store's been so slow.

Check it out, Crime City Seven,

- a whole month early. - Uh, they always do that.

What? Stores just get these things weeks in advance and sit on them?

- Yeah. - Well, yeah. It wouldn't be legal to sell them.

Well, that's exactly what we are gonna do.

Fuck, yes! I'd always try to get Wallace to do this.

I got customers lined up and then he would puss out

and be like, "But, Aaron, what about the FBI?"

The FBI doesn't care about stupid little game stores.

I can't go to prison! Who's gonna tuck me in at night?

Probably a dude named Spider.

This Facebook group, it's for all

the local gamers in the area.

Ew, why are you on Facebook?

Girl, you know how many free couches I've gotten off there?

- From Marketplace? - No, from the dudes

looking to cheat on their wives, I make them buy me couches.

No one's gonna get caught, okay?

Aaron, can you line up some of those buyers you had before?

We can charge double. Start making some money around here.

Dropping into the DMZ. Let's loot this place and get out alive.

One of your signature quips. I love it.

- Now look at this. - The Captain says, "Avoid Game Bros at all costs.

I'd rather have my dick run through a pencil sharpener than shop there.

Seriously, everyone there is a poster child for pro-abortion

except for that one guy, Aaron, he's actually pretty cool."

- Aaron! - What an idiot.

Just-- nobody tell Jake, okay?

He doesn't need to know. He'll just be happy

when we finally start making some money.

- Ghost perk activated. - No, no, no, no, no.

I suck at keeping secrets! In high school,

my nickname was "Stupid fucking narc ass bitch."

Oh, my God, what is wrong with you?

The doctors don't know.

Well, unless you want a mouthful of Spider, I suggest you man up

and stop being a stupid fucking narc ass bitch!

Yo, this is Chris.

He is very excited for the new Crime City.

Zack.

Hook him up.

Go.

You're not a cop, are you? You literally have to tell me if you're a cop.

Look, man, I'm not a cop. All right, look, can I just get the game?

All right, this is my first time, I'm a little nervous.

Fine. Let's just get this over with.

Okay. This will be our little secret.

Gimme the damn game, man!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yo!

Hey, that dude right there?

That's your best employee by far.

You hear that? Headshot!

Good shit.

- That was weird. No! - Let's go ask what's going on.

Aaron is a gamer.

He likes to play.

The only way to beat him...

...is to play the game too.

Hey, Aaron.

It's been a while.

You wanna know what I miss the most about us?

- The bud stuff? - No!

Well, kinda.

I miss getting into shady schemes together.

Like, do you remember when you convinced my uncle that you kidnapped me?

And we got, like, 600 bucks out of him.

Yeah. Yeah.

That was so hot.

Are you into... any shady schemes right now?

What do you know?

- Just that you're The Captain. - What?

I'm not the HVT, Elliot is the squad leader.

We're ranking up the store with the Bankroll perk.

- Don't try and spawn camp me. - Can you just...

...tell me what any of that shit means without using words

from a fucking video game?

No.

Wh-- [stutters] what did he say?

Am I broken?

No, pull yourself together!

You're a gorgeous angel.

Something else is going on.

Just say a word and I'll fucking end you, nerd.

Oh, look at that! I gotta go!

It's the time-- it's the time I gotta go at, so--

- You guys done yet? - We haven't even started yet, you nerd fuck.

People are gonna be coming by all morning.

Now, get in there and watch out for Jake.

You're the worst recon ever.

Elliot, am I the worst recon ever?

No.

But you do need to get in there and look out.

And don't talk to anyone.

The squad is counting on you.

We're a squad?

Yes!

Fuck off!

Yes, sir.

- Hey, Zack. - Jake!

- Jesus. - What's up?

What are you doing here so early? Are you okay?

I'm working on my Magic tabletop.

- It's games. - Okay.

Have you seen my card collection?

- Maybe later. - No, Jake, if you look at it right now,

I'll give it all to the store right now.

There he is! Come here, Pig King,

we're gonna make you squeal!

No!

You ready to get hog-tied, you little bitch?

- What is going on? - Aaron is up to something and Zack knows what it is.

Okay, I'll never betray the squad. Just don't go in the back alley.

Now I have to go look in the back alley. What are you talking about?

No, you can't because,

- because there's-- someone masturbated all over it. - Hey, Jake.

- Aaron is cleaning up all the semen. - What the fuck?

Aaron, why are you talking shit about the store on Facebook?

Do I look like a fat grandma? I don't fucking Facebook.

Oh, shit! Then he's not The Captain!

I can't take it anymore! Elliot is selling

Crime City Seven in the back alley! We're all going to prison!

You stupid fucking narc ass bitch!

You are out of the fucking squad!

Elliot.

Why didn't you tell me we've the new Crime City three weeks early.

Okay, before you lecture me, dude, we're gonna make so much cash.

And to be honest, none of your ideas worked.

I know. Okay? Look, I'm not lame. Look, I'm not--

- I'm not Zurg the Turd anymore. - Oh, shit!

You remember that? Dude, Zurg the Turd! You got memed!

Because your friend recorded you reporting your own teammate.

Okay, in my defense, those guys were all severely racist.

- Mm. - Okay, I know! It was lame. Whatever.

I'm not that guy anymore. I'm cool now.

So I say let's do this.

- I'm gonna let the girls know. - No--

Yeah!

Bold move.

- Risky, but bold. - Yeah.

Gamers are gonna think it's cool. I think it's very cool.

Well, Jake is obviously doing it because he thinks it's cool.

I'm doing it because we can charge more

and actually make some profit for this place.

Well, just be careful, okay? I don't think you guys know

what you're getting yourselves into.

Oh, don't worry about us. I mean,

this isn't my first run with the Five-O.

- What? - This is absolutely his first time

- doing something like this. - Okay. Well, Lacy and I are very close

to catching the Facebook Captain who's been trashing on the store.

So, we will let you get back to your cool new business plan.

But first, we do need to discuss my payment.

Thank you.

She's gonna pay for that, right?

I don't think so.

♪ Hey it's the Crime City Seven ♪

♪ Hit you with a sniper rifle and teleport you to heaven ♪

- ♪ Hey, hey... ♪ - Yes, bitch, yes!

♪ ...I'm just waiting on you to put the keys in the ignition ♪

♪ Nay, hey it's the Crime City Seven ♪

♪ Hit you with a sniper rifle and teleport you to heaven ♪

♪ Hey, hey, I've been itching for a mission ♪

♪ Now I'm just waiting on you to put the keys ♪

- ♪ In the ignition ♪ - ♪ Yo, I'm still online ♪

♪ Gaming rocket launcher flaming ♪

♪ Ain't worry about the cops 'cause I'm good like Megan ♪

- ♪ Psycho like Michael... ♪ - Oh! Oh, fuck! Shit!

♪ ...I'm all about the action from penthouse suites ♪

♪ To knocking out your teeth and girls like Arby's ♪

♪ They just want the meat talk ain't cheap ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I paid a pretty penny ♪ - ♪ We win ♪

♪ South Park style you get killed like Kenny ♪

♪ And you got a Hemi and my car got a passenger ♪

♪ You won't like taking shots and we'll send 'em ♪

♪ Right back to ya, headshot ♪

♪ Made him leave Earth like Caprica ♪

♪ Chest shot got him... ♪

Oh, my God, he's typing.

"Sup."

"Sup."

- We got-- - What's up? What's up?

♪ I got content for the nonsense you underarmed like armpits ♪

♪ So I just bought a new gun I nicknamed it all-- ♪

♪ Hey it's the Crime City Seven ♪

♪ Hit you with a sniper rifle and teleport you to heaven ♪

♪ Hey, hey, I've been itching for a mission ♪

♪ I'm just waiting on you to put the keys in the ignition ♪

♪ Nay, hey it's the Crime City Seven ♪

♪ Hit you with a sniper rifle and teleport you to heaven ♪

♪ Hey, hey, I've been itching for a mission ♪

♪ I'm just waiting on you to put the keys in the-- ♪

Lacy.

Lacy!

What are you doing here?

Just-- Wha--

You guys were dancing, so I just... thought--

Are you sure selling this game early is a good idea?

None of this is really your style.

Maybe I'm sick of my style.

Maybe Zurg the Turd was wrong.

Wait, are you Zurg the Turd?

I potentially could've been that guy from the meme.

Yes, but not anymore. It's a new me.

Okay, well, just so you know, I was on Zurg's side in that video.

Okay, thank you. Right?

You know, you built something kinda cool here.

I really don't wanna see you mess it up.

- It's gonna be fine. - Good to hear.

'Cause there's a cop right over there talking to Zack.

I just have a few questions for you.

- Do we have a problem? - I think I just pooped my pants.

Hi! Um, ca-- can we help you?

I love the cosplay.

Excited about the game.

- Oh, yeah, the game! Yeah! Great, great. Um... - Oh.

...I'm sorry about our crazy employee.

- He's a little unwell, that one. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was holed up with a bunch of squatters

letting old ladies lick jelly

off of his feet for money. Freak.

Uh, I don't think that's even a thing.

Oh, that's a thing. We just shut down a jelly house down the street last week.

Oh.

Look, I'm just here to get

a replacement controller for my kid.

Breaks one like every other day. Rage issues.

I mean, that's not his fault, man. It's fucking hackers online.

You ever played with them? How you're not supposed to throw your controller?

Okay! Uh, great, Aaron. Uh, here we go.

- That one's on the house. - Really?

Yeah! I mean, you just took down a jelly house, man...

and thank you so much for your service.

- Thank you! - Yeah.

That is not a bribe!

- We did it. - Holy shit.

Oh! He wants to know more about you.

Okay. So we have some ways we can play this.

- Okay. - Do we wanna go hardcore gamer,

borderline satanic Lacy...

or Uwu Girl dum-dum

who streams Pokémon in low cut shirts?

Mm, I think we go hardcore.

You're so right.

- Perfect. - Uh--

- He sent a picture. - Oh! All right!

Let's see what this basement dwelling troll looks like.

- Ugh, ew, I can't wait. - Oh.

Hello, Captain.

Oh...

Yo! Got your little e-blast!

You announced to everyone that we're selling unreleased games?

No. Aaron used a code. It was super subtle.

"Can't wait to play Crime City Seven? Game Bros has got you.

Come buy it early!"

All caps, exclamation point,

exclamation point, exclamation point.

- That's not code! - Okay. U--

We can't do anything about it now.

We already launched Operation World Wide Web.

What is Operation World Wide Web?

I'm sorry, but is The Captain a low-key fucking catch?

He's a gamer, he's hot AF, and he's got a heart of gold--

- Dibs! - Dibs! No, you have a boyfriend.

Oh. "I need to see you tonight.

Meet at Game Bros at 8:00"!

- He's in! - Oh, my God. I did it!

Wait, hold on. "Game Bros going live in 60 seconds.

Unreleased Crime City Seven playthrough"?

- I can't let you do this. - This is bad!

- I'm in the lobby! - No, y--

Thousands of people in there.

No, there's--

Jake! What have you done?

We're live, baby!

- What're you doing? - I hope it's not too late!

- I hope Spider is are gentle lover. - Calm down!

I've been in a way shittier shit than this and nothing ever happened.

We're gonna be fin-- Oh, shit, the cops! We're fucked!

Oh-- uh, hello, officer.

That controller not work out for your son?

Oh-- oh, here, take this one.

This one too, you can have all of them.

- Nah, I'm here about something else. - Well,

cool, cool, cool. These two are the owners,

I'm sure whatever problem you have, they can--

Uh, so, like, uh, what's up?

I'm here to find her.

- Me? - Oh, my God.

That's... The Captain?

He's a cop?

This just keeps getting hotter.

Sugar bear.

You did not have to hide the uniform from me,

I am into it.

I'm not The Captain, but I know him very well.

Thomas, get in here!

Tell her... now.

Sorry I catfished you.

And I'm sorry I review bombed your store.

You were being a dick when I was trying to buy that video game,

and all my friends will be playing CC Seven

and I'm sitting around with my thumbs up my ass.

- Thomas! - Sorry.

Thumbs up my butt.

Well... there will be no more trouble from The Captain

because he's grounded forever.

Let's go.

Y'all got copies of CC Seven?

Can I get one?

Have a great night.

Did anybody get his badge number?

We are invincible!

And they say crime doesn't pay.

Oh, it pays!

- And the cops don't even care. - Mm.

Hold up, Scarface. We just got an email.

"Game Bros was found violating the game's release date

and is hereby unauthorized to sell any and all properties made by Megastar Games"?

Oh, then a lot of very interesting legal jargon.

No, th-- do we get blacklisted?

This is what I was saying.

So what? Fuck Megastar.

No schemes, no lawbreaking.

We do this legit, okay?

I am Zurg the Turd and I'm proud to be.

I always like that guy.

Ugh!

Put your boners away.

- Thank God this day's over. - Close calls like that can be a good thing.

Really wakes people up. I'm sure the boys learned their lesson.

I want you to sell the remaining inventory wherever you can.

Schools, playgrounds, you know, places like that.