Original subtitles

Dude, we have not had a single customer come in in days.

Doesn't matter. I printed posters promoting the Call of War 18 release.

We are gonna be so flooded with customers,

- I'll have to beat them off. - Dude, phrasing.

Look, I think this will get the people talking.

- But will they be saying nice things? - I printed 100 of these.

I'm gonna go all around town. Get the team ready.

Calling our employees a "team" is a stretch.

We didn't exactly assemble the Avengers.

- How about we make you a five eyes? - I'm so sorry, Lacy,

I will never eat your string cheese again.

- You wanna suck on Mommy's Glock? - No.

Shoot him!

- Uh-- - Relax.

That's the prototype Duck Hunt gun.

It looks super real.

You mean that prototype gun?

Lacy!

Okay, guys. Last week, in the past.

That was our soft launch. Now...

- ...it's time to get hard. - Oh, on it.

- No! Zack. - Dude, phrasing.

- Okay, everybody, hands where I can see them. - Oh,

I don't need hands.

- God, I love working here. - You don't work here.

Uh, I'm gonna need to take this week off.

Call of War 18 comes out, and I'm gonna be

at the Bakersfield game spot. They throw the sickest

- midnight-release parties ever! - Okay, Aaron,

we are actually doing our own launch party for Call of War.

So, it's gonna be a huge night. I need all hands on deck.

However, if this hard opening is a flop,

we are one step closer to having

- this ugly little nightmare be behind us. - Oh, come on!

Get with it! Remember when we were kids?

We'd sit out with Mom for all the releases!

Oh, it was so fun! There'd be lines of people down the block!

Yeah, 20 years ago.

Now there's this little thing called the Internet.

It's a World Wide Web where people do everything!

Nobody goes to stores anymore, Jake.

It's true, I preordered CoW online.

But I'm going to return it so I can buy it from here.

Well, that's just awesome. I'll let you

and your crack team get back to it.

By crack, I mean, the kind you smoke.

Nobody smokes crack anymore, boomer.

It's all about that fenty--

How are you still alive?

Guys, if we build it, they will come.

- Who is about to come? - No.

Oh, fuck yes!

Is this a sex party thing?

'Cause I'll blew off the GameStop party

- for that, for sure. - And I went ahead

and got hard when Jake asked.

So, I'm ready to--

It's not a sex thing, okay?

It's from a movie.

Lame.

This place is a disaster.

Why won't you let me play Call of War with you?

- All right, gang, let's bring it in! - It used to be

the most realistic shooter out there,

and now you have Stewie Griffin with a pink assault rifle

- doing the fucking gritty. - How is that my fault?

- What was the last skin you bought? - Oh. Optimus Prime,

- it was so cool. - See! You elf-fuckers ruined it.

Oh, I would love to lay with an elven woman

- and explore her mortal curves. - I need a rope and a stool.

Aaron! You're gonna love this.

Don't act like you know me, bitch.

I outrank you in every way possible.

KD, intelligence.

Most definitely, dick size.

Check your friends list, fuckstick, I'm not on it.

Okay. Thank you for that.

Uh, no, I just wanted to tell you that I, I spoke to your,

your buddy at the, uh, game spot in Bakersfield.

- Oh, bad. - Yeah! Manager to manager.

You know, he helped me figure out a good way

- to start a successful launch party. - Let me guess.

Glenn told you to get fucked, right? He hates everybody,

- that's why I love that dude. - No, Aaron. Fun fact.

People actually like me. Glenn and I hit it off.

Game recognized game.

Anyway, first thing, for a successful launch party,

cleanliness.

Guys, we gotta do a better job of cleaning up after ourselves, okay?

I mean, I literally see chip bags everywhere we go.

Okay? I mean, there's chip bags on the floor right now.

You just threw that over there.

- Could you just-- - Oh, Jake, I like that plan.

Yeah, make her clean it up just 'cause she's a woman!

I would've picked it up, but now it's a whole thing.

Okay, no, you know what, I get it.

I'll, I'll just get it later. Moving on. Next.

Unbeatable. We, we need to be the best.

The best, right? And that starts with unbeatable prices.

Our prices are fixed, so,

uh, maybe "unbeatable service"?

Oh, at the card game store I used to work at,

my manager would have us do a little customer-interaction role-play

- so we could have top-notch service. - Of course, you nerds

fucking LARPED your day job.

I actually love that. Zack, that's great.

All right, moving on, number three.

- Nuts. - He said "nuts"?

Yeah, um, I don't--

I don't actually know what he meant by that.

Deez nuts!

That's what he meant by that.

Uh, and last...

- Uh-- - Teamwork.

Oh, my fucking God,

this is so good! Oh, my God. This is better

than getting the killcam in a hardcore TDM.

- Don't you fucking ruin this moment for me! - Jake.

- That's an acronym. - Is it?

- I always pronounce it "cunt." - Oh, my God!

You fucking loser.

Jake, I think you should end this meeting.

- Everyone go clean. - Let's make this "cunt" sparkle.

Elliot! What's up, fucker! Man, you look good, man!

When's the last time I saw you? Was it, uh, that night at Craig's when we dared him

to snort coke up his butt?

I-- I don't think I was there for that,

- wasn't really my scene. - Right, right, you were, like,

- "Hey, guys, don't do that. It'll kill you." - Yeah.

Such a square. How, how is Craig, by the way?

Dead. Yeah, he, uh,

- he died from all that butt cocaine. - Right.

Sorry, one sec, man. Hey, shut the fuck up!

What's going on in there?

You know what I'm doing in here? I'm working!

All right? Do you like this house?

Do you like eating? Well, guess how that shit happens!

Me! So, quiet!

Sorry, man. My family sucks!

Just kidding, man. I love my family, I do!

I love my family, I do.

I love my family.

So, anyway, man, look, I saw your email.

What a bitch move by Jake.

- I know, right? - It's horseshit.

So, look, uh, the papers...

...they're pretty iron tight, but even though he is executor,

you could still-- you could force the sale if there's grounds.

- Oh, okay. What kind of grounds? - Breach of fiduciary duty,

uh, lack of consent, improper execution,

lack of transparency, failure to inform any of that going on.

Yeah, like all of it.

Yeah, baby, we got a case!

Oh, dude, and if you're thinking of selling,

I can hook you up with some great people

who would love shady real estate like this.

Wait, really?

And then, he stood there for, like,

ten full seconds holding the word "cunt."

Yeah, like a fucking cunt!

- Oh, Glenn, it was your best work yet. - No personal calls at work.

Yeah, that's him. I know, he sounds like one too.

GG.

Glenn says, "Hi."

Wait. Stop!

Drop it!

Aaron, you're supposed to be sorting through the inventory,

- not throwing it all out. - What? I did!

I sorted it into "trash games" and "not-trash games."

Gates of Galahad? This was game of the year last year.

Fucking hackers! There's no way that game deserved it!

Call of War 17 was robbed!

Dude, Gates of Galahad literally changed my life.

Yeah, me too. I think I finished the game, like, ten times

'cause I'm obsessed with all the different endings.

No way! Did you sleep with Kaleandro or Barador?

- Both of them. Duh. - You can do that?

Yes, but only if you start the game as a vampire.

Your balls are shrinking into a vagina as you speak.

I think it sounds pretty cool.

- Yeah, I know you do. - Wait, have you never played GoG?

Oh, Jake, you gotta play it!

I had sex with a druid who turned into a bear while we did it.

- I could be into that. - Really?

No-- not, like, real life, but, like, for the, the game.

I think I could do it in real life, especially if the bear was like,

- the size of a little dog. - Gross.

Okay. Anyone cleaned the bathroom yet?

- Not gonna happen. - Don't send me an invite.

- I'll rage quit. - I tried. But it smelled so bad

I puked everywhere! It's worse now.

Hey, look, man, I can't wait to see

Jake's stupid face when you...

...when you fuck him on this, man!

- It's-- it's gonna be so funny! - Yeah.

Dude, I'll make some calls. I'll hit you up, all right?

Um, y-- yeah.

Um-- just as an option.

Hey, shut up! What the fuck was that?

Hold on, man. Sorry, I gotta go.

Jacob, you little shit!

Oh, my--

- What are you doing here? - Internet's down at the salon.

The girls asked me if I could come over here

and try to convince you to let us share Wi-Fi.

Jake said yes, but you've the password.

- No. - All right, fine.

I'll just let him know you said "no."

And I'll just, um, let him know that crazy shit

you were saying to the psycho on the computer.

Okay, fine!

The salon can use the Wi-Fi,

but there's nothing to tell anyway.

I was just talking with the lawyer.

Totally.

You know, nothing shuts me up like cash.

Bye!

Please, you couldn't talk shit if you wanted to.

- You're a fucking girl! - I can talk shit, okay?

I just choose not to add more toxic energy into the world.

Hey, guys. What do you think about trying Zack's customer role-play idea?

- Who wants to be the first customer? - Oh, me!

Can I be Jamaican?

- No. - You boys have fun with that,

I'm gonna go finish up something on my computer.

Doesn't really feel like Violet's putting the "T"

- in "cunt" with that attitude? - It's funny,

'cause I don't think you've even seen a cunt

since you came out of your mother's vagina.

Oh, Princess Violet wants to talk shit!

- That was a pretty good burn. - Your mom has a burn!

- From all her STDs. - How did you know about those?

- Hey! - Oh, my God!

How do you keep doing that? You're like Batman.

Why? Because we both saw our parents get murdered in an alley?

What the fuck? No, because you keep popping up out of nowhere.

So, what are we doing out here?

We aren't doing anything.

I have a meeting here.

You sure it doesn't have anything to do with that

creepy lawyer you were talking to earlier?

Can you just go, please?

Excuse me. Uh, do you work here?

No, sorry. I'm actually international spy

who saves the world by day and has trysts with exotic women by night.

What ar-- what are you doing?

You said we were role playing.

- Yeah, as ourselves. - Oh, gotcha.

- Go! - Okay.

Hi. Excuse me, do you work here?

- Yeah, Jake, you hired me! - I'm not me.

I-- I'm playing the customer.

You said we were being ourselves.

Yes, you are playing yourself. I'm playing the, the customer.

- A h-- a human one? - Oh, my God.

- Aaron, your turn. - Can I be the customer now?

Fine. Okay. I-- [stutters] um, buy this game from Aaron, okay?

And just be a regular human customer, please.

And Aaron, you are going to sell him this game.

I don't care what you think about it.

Just, just sell him the game.

Hello, kind sir. I would like to purchase

this copy of Gates of Galahad, please.

Mm-mm.

- Mm-mm. - Aaron.

Fine.

Certainly, ma'am.

But are you sure you wanna buy

this point and click spreadsheet simulator

rather than the game that requires real skill, like Call of War?

I actually really enjoyed the first two games in the series,

so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna like this one.

But it's, like, 9000 hours of reading.

Who the hell wants to do that shit?

That's-- actually is a lot of reading.

You're not supposed to un-persuade him. Please, just--

This game has zero reading.

- My-- I actually love this game! - Headshot!

And that's, like, $20 more than that piece of shit.

Fucking upsell! I win, top of the leaderboard, motherfucker!

Violet, your turn.

Violet, please sell Zack a game.

Zack. I want you to be a tough customer.

- Oh. - Yeah.

You might as well crawl back into your cubby,

because there's no way you're gonna beat my high score.

That's, like, an $80 collector's edition.

Oh, that's good! I'll be like Aaron.

There's no fucking way I'm buying this game,

you fucking pussy, you pussy woman!

Fuck! Fuck!

- If you buy a PlayStation, I'll show you my boobs. - Sold!

- Not fair! - Oh... and Violet takes the lead.

I'll buy the PlayStation right now.

Uh, you wanna show me your boobs here

or you wanna go back to my mom's?

No, Zack, Jesus, no!

Hello.

Oh!

Hi. Ar-- are you here for...

- ...me? - Yes.

- Lawyer sent me. - Hey, Bruno!

- Lacy, good to see you. - How do you know him?

- How's the baby? - I wasn't actually pregnant.

- It was a scam. - Good for you.

- Very nice. Yes. - Thank you! How about you?

- How's the family? - Mostly in prison.

God! I'm so J!

So, Bruno, um,

what are your plans for the game store, exactly?

- My father runs very many legitimate business... - Mm.

...and so, now he would like to go into legitimate business with you.

- Mm! - For sure.

You're saying "legitimate" a lot.

Because it will be.

This is offer.

It is good offer.

It is final... offer.

We pay cash. You'll like this deal.

You know, this is moving kind of fast.

And I know you've reiterated that it is legitimate.

I-- I just need to check some things. Can I get back to you?

With the cash. Legitimate.

Well, I don't know about that.

Anybody have any ideas on how we can get word out

- on the street about the store? - How about another acronym?

No, thank you. Anyone else?

Oh, I wrote a commercial.

- You printed it? - Yes. I know it's long,

but I am open to notes. If we shoot here, we can save

on location costs and spend the majority of the budget on Bradley Cooper.

- I-- he'll be playing me. - Anyone else?

Ooh. I say we throw Zack in the middle of the street

with a sign and make him dodge cars.

I'm actually very good at dodging cars.

Aaron, did this place have an e-blast?

Like, did you guys have any old socials, anything?

Yeah, we had socials. And then the person

who was running the socials got the socials banned

- for toxic comments. - So it was you?

- Fuck, yes, it was me. - Okay, well, how about you guys help me

hang these up around town, huh?

Oh... how do I say this nicely? Burn those.

- I'm gonna burn them. - Here.

These are great!

- These are incredible. - Bro, they're whatever.

I think you're just excited about her saying

- she was gonna show her boobs. - Wait.

- That's it. - Whoa! I'm not showing my boobs to anyone.

No, no, no. What brings people to strip clubs?

- Boobs. - A man's loneliness and sense of self validation

by the false assumption that, "She was really into me"?

Or, say, "Yeah, get out of there, you crazy guy.

- Ge-- come home for dinner"! - No, it's chicken wings.

You go to the strip club for chicken wings?

How do they make their money on their off days, right?

My mom used to take Elliot and I every Tuesday after school

to the strip club for chicken wings. The place would be packed.

- What is your childhood? - I think I would like your mom.

This is all coming together now. Zack...

...you and Aaron, you guys go around town

- and blast these everywhere you can. - Oh, man!

- Come on, noob. - Okay!

So that's what you wanted to show me the whole time?

- No, actually-- - You know what?

I gotta go get the chicken wings.

- Oh! Just like Mom's stripper wings. - Get in there.

These are so good!

All right! So we put flyers on every car in a ten-block radius,

and I even got 'em on a few moving ones.

This fucking nerd has aimbot.

He's actually good at dodging cars.

Does that mean we could be clam buddies?

Never talk to me again!

Now we wait for the hordes.

No one came. Not even one.

Not even one. Go ahead and say it. "Told you so!"

I'm a huge failure!

"Most of all, you're a huge freaking idiot."

Not exactly how I would've said it,

but the sentiment is correct.

Hey, Jake, can I show you that thing I've been working on?

Oh, sure.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Come on, man, don't let this get you down.

You're Mr. Positive! It's the one thing you got going for you.

Oh, my God, it's almost like you do care about your brother.

Of course, I care!

He's just a big frickin' idiot.

You know, all he talks about

is how you and him had this dream as kids.

He wanted to make this happen for the both of you.

We got one!

- It's a customer! - Okay! Jake needs this win,

so everybody just try!

- Fine. - Let's show them our cunts.

- Jesus, Zack! - No, it's a sales tactic.

What?

Welcome to Game Bros!

- Hey, you guys have the new Call of War? - Do we ever!

We have the collector's edition, the mega edition...

...the headshot edition, the mega collector's

headshot ultra edition!

You should buy them all.

How about a stripper wing?

How many copies do you need?

Do you need a Pro Controller?

Ooh, nice upselling.

Turn off, UAV. You don't say "upselling"

in front of the customer, dipshit.

I'm sorry! I'm messing this up!

- My cunt isn't ready! - Wait!

We're doing too much, everybody back off!

- We're losing him! - If you buy a PlayStation,

- we'll show you our boobs. - No!

Zack, Lacy, put your boobs away.

Well, you did make one good business decision.

Which was what?

You hired me.

What is this?

This is the online store I set up,

and I must've stumbled into a really good algorithm

because we sold

a lot of Call of War 18 today.

Wow!

Whoa! We sold that many copies?

We sold that many copies.

You guys...

- ...we did it! - Yeah!

We're--

we're a real store!

We did it!

- Yeah! - All right,

all right, all right!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Guys, we had one good day!

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?

So, are we gonna kiss or--

All right, now, I don't wanna hear you crying

after I killstreak on your ass on--

Wait. Who the fuck killed me?

Headshot, bitch.

All right, that was a pretty good kill.