Original subtitles

Okay, gang. Okay, gang. Anyone has to use the bathroom.

Do it now. We've got another two hours before we

get to grandma's. I'm just going to fill up the

tank. Fill up. Not all the way though, right? We

have to. But it's five dollars a gallon. I said

we have to. Kids, we're going to have to leave

one of you behind. What? Why? Gas crisis, darling. God,

why does gas cost so much? The F -steen fire.

Kidding. The possibly not. It's called butterfly effect, right? Epstein

was first domino. Epstein, bing -bing -bong -bong. Byg -bong

-bong -bong. War. Anyway, hi as to me, Donald Trump.

You might remember me from such campaign promises as lower

gas prices and no more wars. sites. We love to

make promises because a promise is just a lie that

hasn't happened yet. But now it has and gas costs

like a million billion dollars a gallon. And as for

the start market, let me put it in a way

that the Harry Styles fans in the crowd tonight won't

understand. You guys are going to love this one, that

the stock market is going in one direction. Down! Down,

I said. You don't know your broke ass hell. Sorry,

I'm not familiar with his newer music. I am straight.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, yes, gas prices,

which are very high because of war with Iran, which

is where they make gas. I wish someone had told

me that. But we won't win this war, because Iran

is old, and nobody likes him. Iran is like ballet

and opera, and we're Timmy Shalamet. Wow, kicking him wilder

down, Timmy. Which is, frankly, best time to kick. Look

at the gas back there. Frozen in one of these.

Look at Marcelo, he's still playing kids. Does that sound

a little too outweigh? That sounds racist, but it is.

Moralesis guys, they're racist stuff. And how about Ashley Padilla?

Last name sounds Spanish, but take a look at her,

folks. That's the whitest white band in the world. Haircut!

We love haircuts! Point is, I have everything under control.

Look, I have been meeting with the nation's top minds,

Jake Paul. He was booed very badly at the Mike

Dyson fight. We hate to hear booze. So would say

booze. So I had a couple road sodas, chill. Beat

Hankseth as I live and struggle to breathe. It's great

to see you, Mr. President, before I begin, I just

want to thank you sincerely for these beautiful, size 16

floor -shime shoes. They fit me like a glove. Happy

to do it. Like a clown's glove. If you're wondering

why I was in the backseat of this random family's

car, I'll tell you the same thing I say when

people ask about our plans for Iran. I don't know.

Isn't that wonderful? Well, I'm going to wander around. Great.

Thank you for everything, sir. President, call me here today

to give you news on the war. OK, so listen

up. To know this, we won. Hashtag winning. So you

can stop asking me all about it, OK? Don't even

worry about it. Forget about it. The real problem is,

all you Gaby's... Gaby's copy, right? All you Gaby's in

the media are completely unpatriotic. OK? They're using what I

do and say to make me look like a fool.

Been there. I've been there before, but... Yeah, I've been

there a lot. The press says we bombed the school.

I just blame it on the a -a -a -a

-a -a -a -a -a -a -a -a -a -a

-a -a -a -a -a -a. And also on the

alcohol. All you dweeb, stop saying the straight -of -war

moose is closed. It's wide open. Sure, there's a bunch

of land mines floating in the water. Water mines, I

guess. But if you're an oil tanker and you're driving

it and you see one of the mines, just do

what I used to do at every DUI checkpoint. Close

your eyes and gun it. Great advice, Pete. OK, anyway,

back to the gas station scene. Getting, of course. And

I, from New York, it's Henry. Hi!