Original subtitles

Good evening and welcome...

To tonight's performance of The Rubber Face Revue,

London's most successful comedy cabaret.

Here, in the famous Lyric Theatre,

Former home of such stars as Sir Laurence Olivier.

Ugh. I wish Larry were still here.

Tonight is, in fact,

An exceptionally special evening for us...

As it is the sixth anniversary performance of the show.

He could do my role.

And then I could take a night off.

Please do take your seats, ladies and gentlemen,

And get ready for Mr. Crazy himself.

Although, come to think of it, by my age, Laurence Olivier...

Had already won an Oscar for playing Hamlet.

So I'm not entirely sure he would have felt completely at ease in this production.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ron Anderson!

And, uh, let's be honest, most of the attention...

Is focused on, uh, Ron.

Well, he's the star. He's the star.

A nice, modest individual.

And me, I'm the tall guy.

So, sometimes I sit while he's being funny.

And sometimes I stand while he's being funny.

Or lay down.

You know, I think people find it curious when I take a bow.

They don't seem to remember there was anybody else in the show.

There I am, long legs, tiny paycheck.

- How many? - About 30.

Let's do it.

I do, of course, enjoy some...

Of the glitter and glamor of stardom.

I mean, I get to park my vehicle right outside the theatre.

But, all in all, it's, uh-- it's not what I hoped for...

When I first arrived seeking fame and fortune in London's theatre land.

Still, you know actors. We live in hope.

Like maybe some big director's gonna come to the show tomorrow and say,

"Hey, that guy in the skirt? That's our Macbeth."

So, every night it's out of Piccadilly...

- Past the queen's house, - Wilma!

Through one of Jack the Ripper's favorite tunnels...

Sorry, Fred.

To the street where I live...

In, uh, in desirable Camden Town.

- Good evening, Mr. Morrow. - Good evening, Dexter.

What a life. Blind and allergic to his guide dog.

Home, sweet home.

Yeah, this is the-- This is the house here that I share with a woman named Carmen.

She's not my girlfriend; she's my landlady,

And she's educated and charming and she's a nymphomaniac,

But that means there's always a lot of interesting people, uh, dropping by.

Evening.

How do you do?

Yeah, hello, Dexter. This is Pierce.

I wanted to ask you a big favor. Could you--

Hello, Dex? This is Pierce again.

Thought I'd just check. I think there might be something wrong with your--

Dex, Pierce again.

Your machine is definitely faulty. Please ring me back.

I need you desperately. My new number is 7-3-5-3--

Any water in here?

Uh, try the tap.

Thanks.

Lotsa nuts in every chunky, chewy bite.

Oh, my God.

Buy new Lotsa Nuts. They'll drive you nutty!

Darling!

- Hey. - How is my favorite man?

Oh, well, not great. Uh--

The television's been taken over by Ron Anderson,

The answering machine's finally winning...

It's war of attrition against my social life,

And the fridge is so full of living things...

It looks like The Muppet Show.

- You poor, sweet thing. - Also, uh,

There seems to be a naked plumber, uh,

Testing out our toilet facilities.

No, no, that's George.

I think he's rather sweet.

- Must get some margarine. - Yeah, oh, I'd be careful.

I'm tellin' you, there's a piece of cheese in there that's actually growin' ears.

Oh.

- George, this is Dexter. - Hi.

Hi.

Oh. Sorry.

Uh, hay fever season again.

Dexter's allergic to everything to do with summer.

Except the Beach Boys.

Oh.

- Should you have some injections? - Oh, I should,

But, uh, I can't stand 'em.

If it was a choice between rabies and having an injection,

I think I'd give rabies a try.

It's all in the mind, anyway.

What you need, sweet one, is a lovely girlfriend.

You used to know lots of gorgeous girls. Why don't we have one of them 'round?

'Cause I never liked any of 'em.

Happy?

It's called "Birth of the Earth Mother."

Pump me. Pump me, Mr. Petrol!

Well, this is-- this is my room.

It's kind of a total mess.

Sort of like my life.

Ehh.

Yehh. Yehh!

Ah-ch-- Ahh--

Ooh.

- - 'Twas the night before Christmas...

And all through the house...

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.

Sorry.

Don't worry, Dexter. Everyone has off nights.

Once I dropped a very big stage weight.

Crushed two actors. Could happen to anybody.

Yeah, thanks, Charlie. Thanks.

- You've come about the hay fever? - That's right.

I wanna really, uh, crack it this year.

Excellent.

Do you mind if Dr. Karabekian sits in with us?

Mm-mmmm!

- No, not at all. - Excellent.

Mm-mmmm!

Now, let's see. Mr. King is allergic to pretty well everything.

Dust, dust mites, most grasses,

Cats, dogs, feathers.

- What do you suggest? - Oh, some sort of - psycho-nasal therapy?

I think we'll stick to the straight and narrow.

If you'll give this to the nurse,

We'll start the injections tomorrow.

Ah, yes. Um, Doctor.

I was wondering if there was any alternative to the shots.

I mean, really. I-I just ha-hate the things.

May I ask why?

Well, 'cause they hurt.

"They hurt."

Yeah, they do. Ow. Oh.

Very well, I'll give you tablets instead.

Perhaps sometime Mr. King would like to come in...

And discuss the psychological reasons why he hates the shots.

No, really, it's just 'cause they hurt.

Uh, the thought of somebody sticking something into me drives me crazy.

The sooner we talk about this phobia, the better.

It's not a phobia. It's just that I hate the damn things.

That's the definition of a phobia.

Do you have a girlfriend, Mr. King?

No, as a matter of fact, I do not.

- Ohh. - Ohh.

Excuse me. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's nothing suspicious about it.

I happen to hate injections in the same way that some people hate, uh,

Airplanes or spiders or having electrodes attached to the scrotum.

- - Tragic. - Ugh.

I think the sooner you come back, the better.

Thanks.

But no thanks.

Look, we're a train. Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo.

Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo.

Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo.

Could you, um, hold this for a minute?

Oh, no worry, Nurse. The patient is taking pills instead of injections.

- Who's next? - I think I saw Mrs. Cartwright waiting.

Oh, God. Yes, poor thing.

- Thanks. - You're very welcome.

She's a lovely girl. I'm gonna marry her, actually.

You can get your pills at the dispensary.

Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo.

Whoo-whoo!

Ah, Mrs. Cartwright. Do take a seat.

Tell me, has any of the hair started growing back yet?

On second thought, Doctor, hey.

I mean, a few little pricks never hurt anybody.

- Carmen? - I'm in the bedroom!

- Something incredible's happened. - What's that?

- I've fallen in love. - Who with?

She's a nurse.

- Well, it's a good start. - But... what am I gonna do?

I mean, the last time I really went for anybody, I was wearing flared trousers.

You must behave like a real bastard.

Men fall into two categories: Spineless wimps or bastards.

The bastards always get the girls.

How do bastards behave these days? Really badly.

Take her out to dinner, pork her to within an inch of her life,

Then never ring her again.

You think that's the correct procedure?

Hell, yes, if you want true love.

Look, can we get on?

Oh.

- How do I look Mr. "M"? - Excellent.

Never seen you look better.

Never seen him at all.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Come on, you mean bastard. Come on.

- It's hay fever, isn't it? - That's right.

Good.

Could you roll up your sleeve, please?

It's going to hurt... now!

There we are. Come back in a week.

- - Bye. Bye.

Did you score? Not as such.

Uh, I suddenly felt overawed by her uniform.

Under the circumstances, asking her if it would be okay...

If I bonked her within an inch of her life seemed an "oddish" thing to do.

Yes. Pity 'bout that.

Uniforms always make me crazy.

- Don't they, Inspector? - Certainly do, ma'am.

Still, wild, passionate sex next week, hmm?

Yes, yes. No, I reckon next week for sure.

Listen. I've sized up the strength of the enemy forces.

Next week, I go for first strike, all-out victory.

Sleeve.

Bye.

- Bye. - What do I do?

Tell her you're a big West End star. Chat her up.

The lights, the celebs, the smell of the greasy paint.

Hey, hey. That's a thought.

If you do not get this woman,

You are a mouse, not a man!

Say, are you a fan of Ron Anderson's?

Who?

- Squeak. - Scalpel. Clamp.

- My God! - What is it, sir?

Why, this is extraordinary. Look.

We have a rib cage,

Kidney, spleen...

But absolutely no spine.

You mean the patient's... spineless?

That's right. Utterly and totally spineless.

I know. I know.

I know!

Carmen!

Carmen, what am I gonna do?

I've been going to the hospital for seven weeks now. I don't even know her name.

- You'll have to have more shots. No!

Yes. Say you're going on holiday.

Some of these African places need hundreds of injections.

- That's right, isn't it, Bernard? - Yes, particularly Morocco.

- He's shy. - The time for hesitation's through.

I-- Screw Africa too.

I walk in there, say, "Baby, I dig you the most."

Right. Screw Africa.

- Morocco? - That's right.

Why do you want to go there?

Why?

Oh, jeez, lots of reasons. Uh--

Oh, I think Joe Orton used to go there to pick up little boys.

'Course, that's not why I'm going there. I hate little boys.

Well, not hate them. I mean, I just don't feel very strongly about them.

Uh, I believe the climate is excellent.

Very good linen goods. They have a festival, I think, around this time of the year.

-Uh, it's the colorful costumes, that kind of thing. -When are you off?

Oh, it's not for quite a while.

As long as it takes for us to get this series of shots done.

Oh, it's not really a series. I can give you all five today.

Five? Today? Uh, not come back?

Mm-hmm. It would be six, but polio's just a sugar lump now.

And then there's gamma globulin, tetanus, cholera, typhoid, and TB,

And at the moment we're recommending yellow fever as well.

Oh, that would be six, then.

Now, which arm don't you need?

- I'm gonna lose an arm? - No, which arm do you use least?

Oh, I use them both. I mean, uh--

You know, even when I'm walking. See? Look, look, look.

No, no, no. No! Uh--

The thing is-- The thing is, uh--

All these weeks I've been coming here, I've--

I've been wanting to ask you something.

What I really want to know is...

- What's your name? Kate.

- Lemmon. It's a horrid name. - No, not at all.

Uh-- It could have been worse. You could have been called Hitler or Tampon or something.

- Kate, we need you. A cardiac. - At once. I'll be back.

Tampon. Oh, no!

God, take my testicles and fry them up with bacon!

Oh--

Mr. King! Hello!

Nurse Lemmon's been detained for a little while, I'm afraid.

So, I'm going to stand in for her, if that's all right with you.

- Are you sure you're qualified? - Oh, yes, oh, yes.

I'm really getting the hang of all this now.

Uh, here we are. There.

Mm-mmmm! Now, then.

Ah! Ooh.

Oops. Sorry.

All right.

Right.

- They call this a "wide bore" needle. - "Wide bore"?

Oh, yes, big needle. It's got to go right through into the muscle.

- First of all is a little prick. - Ahh!

And then it builds up, you see,

Into a sort of massive golf ball of serum under the flesh.

It's very effective.

¡Աաաա-ապW - - Yeah. Ow!

I'm being very careful with it, because one slip,

An air bubble and, voila, instant death.

- Voila. Ow! - - Right. Don't worry.

- Almost the worst over with. - "Almost the worst"?

Nurses call this one Big Ben, apparently.

Now, then. Oh, I must get it on the right part of your arm, mustn't I.

- There we are. Ooh. There we go. - Ow! Ow.

- Mm-mmmm! Ha-ha-ha. - Ow. Ow!

- There we go. - Ow! Ow!

Ah!

They say the real experts do it without even looking.

Don't you-- Oh!

Yip!

And finally, the sugar cube. Open.

Oh, Mr. King, um, if you do suffer an extreme reaction,

Uh, oh, frothing fit or a massive neural shutdown, uh, don't worry.

- I'm sure someone will bring you in. - That's very comforting.

- That's all part of the service. Good-bye, Mr. King. - Yes.

- Good-bye. - Bye.

Bye.

Life in the Vatican is fun, fun, fun

When you're a dancing nun, nun, nun♪♪

Come in.

Listen, Dexter, is there something troubling you,

Something you want to talk to someone about?

Well, yeah, actually. As a matter of fact, there is.

Then for fuck's sake, talk to someone about it, will you?

And sort it out before I sack you...

And hire a lobotomized monkey to play your role, okay?

Thank you, my friend.

The moment you called I thought, "This is it.

"This is it. I haven't known what my life is about.

"I have nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown.

"Now, suddenly, everything is going to fall into place...

With the man on the end of this telephone."

Yeah, well-- Yeah, I-I just thought I'd give you a call.

If I tell you something confidential, will you keep it a secret?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

I'm not wearing any underwear.

Uh--

- Are you sure that's wise? - Screw wisdom!

- Who wants to be wise? - Well, the Dalai Lama, -

To name, uh, but one.

Will you excuse me for one second? I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay.

Idiot! Why? Why?

What?

- Hello. - Hi.

- Hey, let's, uh, hit the road. - It's what I like about you.

- So impetuous. -Oh-ho.

Here we go. Come on.

- It's inside out. - Ah! Right.

- There we go. Yes, sir. - Sir.

Nice to go to sunny Morocco.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

- You going to Morocco? - Ah, yeah, th-that's right, I am.

Isn't that where men go to pick up young boys?

That's right. It's a top spot for sodomy.

I'm sorry. The two of you haven't been introduced.

- This is Miss-- Mrs.-- - Kate.

- Yes, Kate Tampon. Lemmon.

- Kate Lemmon. This is Tamara. Magovich.

For the moment, at least.

- Oh, you two-- - - Well, you know?

- Great. - Great.

Great. Come on, lover boy. Let's go singing in the rain.

Bye.

Of course I had other men. Of course I had.

Hundreds of them. I wouldn't be human if I hadn't.

But you know,

Even in their arms,

Even with their... enormous manhoods,

Pushing me-- pushing me towards unbearable ecstasy,

I've often thought,

"Dexter King.

"Dex, my petrol man,

He's the one for me."

Have you ever thought about me like that?

Will you excuse me one minute?

Ah! Excuse me. Have you seen a nurse just come in?

No.

Excuse me. You haven't seen that nurse with an orange raincoat.

Orange lipstick, orange earrings, orangish hair?

- You mean me? - It'll have to be quick. - Yes.

Some poor old man's expecting my hand up his bottom,

And I hate to disappoint the old folk.

Would you like to come out to dinner with me?

-Why? -Why?

Yes, why?

Well, I, uh,

Was thinking of taking up nursing.

- You want to become a nurse? Yeah, that's right.

I, uh, wanna be a nurse.

My whole family-- It's a family tradition.

My grandfather, uh-- I thought maybe we could have more time to discuss it over dinner.

No, thanks. I really get enough of nursing around here without discussing it in my spare time.

Excuse me.

Uh-- Yeah.

- Will this hurt? - No.

Ahem. I mean, you know, if you'd asked me out because you thought I was pretty...

Or nice or anything like that, it probably would have been a good idea,

But since it's just professional inquiry...

- It's probably best kept short. Right.

I do think you're pretty,

And nice as well.

See you here at 6:00 tomorrow, then.

- I don't get free till 10:30. - Okay.

I'll see you here at 10:35, then.

- Ooh. What about your fiancee? - I hate her.

- Okay. And what do you do that keeps you up so late? - I'm an actor. -

But not a very good one, eh?

Morocco?

Ha.

Oh, I love this stuff. So mild.

No matter how many times you use it, your hair's still dirty.

If you ever do anything funny in my show again,

You elongated droplet of dung, you're out, you hear me?

F-U-C-K-E-D.

- Out. - It's the Ron Anderson you don't hear about.

You got a big one of these.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hi.

- - Sorry I'm late. - No, it's all right. Just got here this second.

Oh, good, good. Heavily] [Breathing

Well-- So what do you want to do?

Uh, Camden has everything from, uh, traditional English...

To very good new Greek-Indian restaurant called Zorba the Buddhist.

Truth is, I'd really like to go home.

It's been a very hard night, and I'm just suddenly terribly tired.

Oh.

Okay, well, not even a drink?

I can offer you anything from Malibu to something drinkable.

No, thanks. I think I'll just fall asleep.

I'm sorry if it sounds like a feeble excuse.

No, that's-- that's fine. I've heard worse.

Look, I'd love to sleep with you tonight,

But unfortunately my flat mate's really depressed,

And if I don't go back, she'll commit suicide.

Also, I'm allergic to beards.

- Maybe some other time. - Yeah.

Gonna walk me home, or shall I just get murdered on my own?

Oh, no, no, no. My pleasure.

Do you know lots of people called Tampon?

What? Oh!

No. Although, I did once know somebody called Matureinbed.

- Really? - Yeah, Siresh Matureinbed. He was Indian.

Uh, whenever anybody would meet him in school,

They'd say, "Are you Matureinbed?"

And, of course, you know, he'd have to say,

"Yes, I am."

But, see, it did turn out all right in the end,

'Cause, apparently, uh, he was a really great lay.

I love this hill.

Oh, oh, is this where you live?

Mm. Don't be deceived by the grim exterior.

It's a good deal grimmer inside.

Uh, no, no, no. It's, uh-- It looks nice.

It looks nice.

Look, there is just one thing...

I'd like to make clear to avoid any embarrassment later.

I'm sure you know, just because you take a girl out to dinner,

It doesn't mean she's got to go to bed with you.

No, no.

Absolutely. I'm not-- Oh, my God.

Absolutely not.

- No. - Ye-- Well, the thing is,

I'm not the sort of girl who believes in that.

I think it's much better to go to bed with a person on the first date...

To get it out of the way.

There's no point in our having ten expensive dinners if I already know I like you.

Oh.

So, um, I'm off all day tomorrow. So why don't you come 'round?

Oh, that-- that would be great.

And when I say "great," you know, I--

- I mean, great. - Good.

Night-night.

Like your jacket.

- Hi. Come in. - Oh.

Oh. Green and orange are my favorite colors.

-Orange, particularly. - Yes.

Sorry about last night. I was very tired.

I'm less tired now.

- I'm not tired either. - - Great.

Two people, alone,

In the middle of the afternoon,

And not tired.

Ideal circumstances for Scrabble.

- Hmm. - -

Oh.

Orange, particularly.

Ugh, sorry.

- What's going on down there? - It's the feathers. -

Feathers? I haven't got any feathers.

No, it's the feathers in the duvet.

I'm allergic to feathers.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

God! God! You ridiculous person!

Ow! Ohh!

[Kate Moaning, Shrieking,

Ohhh.

That was...

- Wild. - Oh.

Oh, you wild thing.

And thank God,

Because to top all the fun, I think you've missed your show.

- Fancy a fuck, big boy? - No, thanks. Just had one.

Get off. Get off!

How dare you improvise, you diminutive Mediterranean moron!

And as for you, daddy longlegs,

I've been waiting for this moment...

Ever since I first made the mistake of hiring you.

You're both fired. I give you a week's notice.

- A week? - - All right, a day, then. Tonight's your last night.

- You can't do that. I demand to talk to the producer. - I am the producer.

In that case, you can do that, but I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction of sacking me.

- I resign. - Good. In that case, you get no severance pay,

And I sue your arse for breach of contract.

In that case, I don't resign, you total and utter bastard!

I hope all your children have very small dicks.

And that includes the girls!

Well, as you probably all know, this is Dexter's last night.

I've got to get away at the end of the show,

So I thought we'd have the party in the interval.

Dexter's been with the show from the very beginning,

And I know that some of you-- some of us--

Are going to miss him.

We wish him the best of luck in everything he chooses to do in the future.

And the same goes for, uh--

- Charlie. - Charlie,

Who's been with the show for, uh--

- Five years. - Five-- Five years.

- Anne, have you got the champagne? - Yes.

- To Dexter's future. - To Dexter's future.

Mm.

- What happened? - I got sacked.

Sacked? Oh, dear.

That's terrible.

God, and all for just a one-night stand.

- A one-night stand? - Well, one afternoon.

Oh, God. You are gonna be so easy to tease.

I never thought I'd miss you

Half as much as I do

And I never thought I'd feel this way

The way I feel - Hey, Mr. "M."

- - About you - Good morning, Dexter.

Kate.

- Oh, hi. As soon as I wake up -

Every night Every day

I know that it's you I need to take the blues away

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love

Nothing more Nothing less

Love is the best

What are these?

My pajamas.

You wear them again, I'll leave you instantly.

Oh, wait, no, no. These are great.

They're not great. Look.

- They're so baggy, you can fit two people in them. - Bullshit. They're great.

See?

As soon as I wake up Every night, every day.

I know that it's you I need to take the blues away

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love ♪♪

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love

I've got to go to work.

Oh. Wait a minute. I'll keep you company.

- Okay. - How long have I got?

About 12 seconds.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Guess it's important not to be late.

No. We don't both want to lose our jobs.

Right. Still, there's more to life than being hit...

In the face with an iron bar six times a week, plus matinees.

Absolutely. Mind the tree.

What tree? Oh! Ah!

What are you doing in a job like that?

It's the only thing I could get.

Life isn't that easy for tall American actors in London.

The year I got Ron's show, the only other thing I'd had...

Was playing Abraham Lincoln in a series of advertisements for muffins.

My career wasn't like a torpedo.

- Well, Ron noticed - you were brilliant. - No, he knew I was cheap.

The show was supposed to last for six weeks. It's run for six years.

In the end, I was still earning less per week than the Coke machine in the dressing room.

Hang on. One sec.

Listen, you gonna be able to get another job?

Oh, yeah. Listen, I hope so. I've got a very powerful agent.

Good. Going out with an actor's bad enough.

If I'm gonna be saddled with an out-of-work actor,

shoot me now.

- Absolutely not. I shall take action this very afternoon. - Good.

The thing is, my darling boy, it's such a long time since you've been out on the market.

Well, maybe that makes me a novelty?

I don't know about that.

Seventy-three percent of actors are unemployed.

- And yet Roger Moore's still in work. - Yes.

It's a dark and mysterious world.

I suppose I could get you an audition with Berkoff.

He's doing a new play. England, my England.

That's good. Yeah, let's go for that.

Fuck off!

Fuck off, yourself, and the same goes for your friend!

Fuck off!

You fuck off.

He said he thought you lacked anger.

Well, I don't know. I was pretty pissed off by the end.

Yes, I think he's probably insane.

There are a couple of parts coming up at Granada.

Not big, but at least it's television.

Sounds fine to me.

I wind down the window and--

Excuse me, is this the right road for Cirencester?

- Aye, it be. - Thanks.

Good, Dennis. Excellent.

Could you try it with a little more mystery?

Well, the only other thing at the moment...

Is a new musical the R.S.C. are doing.

- Tsk. Well, what's it about? - The Elephant Man.

A, uh, musical of the, uh, Elephant Man. What's it called?

Elephant! I think.

With an exclamation mark, presumably.

Pity the poor bastard who has to play the elephant.

Remember, dearest, everyone thought Jesus Christ Superstar was a stupid idea.

Jesus Christ Superstar was a stupid idea.

- True. - But,

Uh, I gotta get something,

Or else my girlfriend, the nurse, may begin to sleep with other men.

Let's take these arms again. They're not quite right.

Let's go from here. One, two.

Turn, three, four and five.

London City of sin

London, the town we grew up in

Just one great big loony bin London

Oh, dear. Some of you are singing a bit flat. Can you all just give me a "G"?

La

La

La

La

La

La

La

- Mr. King. - Oh, yes. Uh, listen.

I'm really sorry. I guess I'm a little out of practice.

- No. No. - Pathetic, actually. Sorry, really.

Just grotesquely awful. My voice. Maybe I'm catching a little cold.

- - Not at all. Not at all. Ah

- That's usually right in my-- - - In fact, Dexter,

We'd just like a word with you about something.

Perhaps we could step in here. Little more private.

- The thing is, Dexter, - Yeah.

We've been watching you very carefully.

And, well, we think--

- Do you want to say it, Marc Antonio? - Oh, no. Go ahead.

You say it. Right.

- We think-- - - Excuse me.

We think we'd like to--

Can't we at least have privacy for one moment?

Sorry, Gavin.

- What I'm trying to say is, - Yeah?

We'd like to audition you for a very large part, indeed.

- In this musical? - You see, the thing is, we feel...

You have exactly the quality of awkwardness...

And vulnerability that we're looking for.

Yes, you're a victim. That's what we need.

You're someone life has crushed...

And ground into a pulp.

- Jeez. Yeah, I'm-- I still don't follow you. - Of course,

It would require a massive amount of makeup.

Ah.

I'm Jane Hayworth, and I'm in charge of costume.

I'm Max Fairford, and I'm playing the circus barker.

I'm Dexter King. I'm playing the Elephant Man.

I'm Timothy Hall, and I'm going bald,

Which is probably why I'm playing Dr. Treves.

I'm Cheryl Hines, and I'm playing Lady Crownbrook.

And you all presumably know me.

I'm Gavin, and I'm your director.

To work, to work.

I feel the spirit of the Elephant Man roaming among us.

Take a deep breath♪

Prepare for the worst

The ugliest man♪

In the universe♪♪♪♪

All right.

Once more, and remember, the man is hideous!

Roll up, roll up as quick as you can

He looks like an elephant and talks like a man

Roll up, roll up The tent is busting

Here he comes Mr. Disgusting

Wrong door, Dexter!

9:30 tomorrow, everyone.

We start with the ballads, "Ain't Gonna Follow the Herd,"

And "He's Got The Kind of Face You Don't Forget."

And don't forget your tap shoes, everyone!

I, uh, saw you in Ron Anderson's show.

I thought you were lovely.

It can't be easy being a straight man.

All I had to do was, uh, say my line, really, and get punched in the face.

You shouldn't put yourself down.

No, no, no. It was really that easy.

The part could have been very fully realized by an umbrella stand.

Well, I also think you're going to be wonderful in this.

Thanks.

It's my first time as an elephant.

You're very funny, aren't you?

I like funny people. Are you married?

No. My girlfriend's a nurse.

Oh, I see.

Well, see you tomorrow, Dexter.

Yes.

Bin, bin

- Good night. - Good night.

- London, city of sin - How was it?

Oh, it was good. It was good.

It's not Mozart.

- Any hits, do you think? - Oh, well. -

Oh, there's that ballad called "Packing My Trunk,"

- Ooh. - which I think - could be very big.

- Mm. - - Very big.

- You look tired. How was your day? - Oh, great. -

Emergencies are always pretty grisly.

A woman I was with gave birth to a baby in a lift.

Oh. Well, that was okay, huh?

Well, I would have been, but her husband slipped on the afterbirth,

- Broke his collarbone. - Holy cats!

Egads, me lads It's a real pea-souper

Two... three... four.

Who knows what secrets this darkness hides

Who knows what horror may lurk inside

Tell me about the first-night party.

Are there going to be lots of famous people there,

And am I going to feel stupid?

Well, no, no, and...

No.

It's going to be really. a nightmare,

Hundreds of people crammed in that backstage.

It's going to be like happy hour in The Black Hole of Calcutta.

- Uh-huh. - Uh-huh.

Who's going to be there?

Oh, well, you know, everybody--

Gavin, the director, the producer, everybody from the cast,

Timothy, Cheryl--

Cyprus Charlie, who I've managed to get in the company as my personal dresser.

Oh.

If we're profoundly unlucky, even Ron will be there.

Good.

Oh, good. I promise not to go as far as to flirt with him.

Don't you dare.

As soon as he fancies somebody, he starts coming on with stories...

About his great pals, Charles and Di.

It's totally revolting.

He uses the queen and her kin as a sexual lubricant.

Well, listen. I've got to do something,

Because everybody's going to be telling you how wonderful you are.

I can just see it: "The most moving elephant I've ever seen."

I don't think so. I don't think so.

Somewhere

Up in heaven

There's an angel

With big ears♪♪

An angel

With big ears

A-A-A-And... curtain!

Well.

What can I say?

The entrances are pathetically sloppy.

The first half is mind-bendingly slow.

Nobody seems to have the faintest clue what their lines are.

But it's a bloody masterpiece!

And... to reward you all for being so totally wonderful--

Ole!

- Well, I'll see you tomorrow. - Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

See you tomorrow.

Excuse me.

You realize I'm falling in love with you,

Mr. Dexter King.

Yeah.

It's probably not a good idea.

Love knows not good or bad,

But runs wherever the wild hart leads.

Not a good idea because you've got a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Well... I've got a husband.

Is he, um--

Is he--

Is he nice?

He's lovely.

Much nicer than you.

Much.

Much nicer.

Oops.

What time is it?

I'm pooped.

That's fine. That's fine. I'm pretty pooped myself.

Well, here we are on the stage of the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane,

Where tomorrow sees the long-awaited opening of Elephant,

The first-ever musical to dare to come face-to-face...

With the subject of elephantiasis.

"Are you enjoying your new room, John?"

Yes, thank you, Doctor. It's quite beautiful.

"Excellent. Oh, hello, matron."

"Hello, Doctor." "Everything all right, matron?"

"Yes, thank you, Doctor." "How are you, John?"

- Excellent, matron. - Good. Again.

- Good morning, Mrs. Hines. Hope you break a leg tonight. - Thank you, David.

Good morning, Mr. Hall. Hope you break a leg tonight.

Thank you, David.

Morning, Mr. King. Hope you--

- Good luck tonight. - Thank you, David.

Come in.

- Ma'am. - - Thank you, Dave.

Yes.

Wonderful.

Are you ready, Mr. Hall?

Perfectly.

Beginners in position.

The curtain is about to rise. Thank you.

- Thanks, Mike. - You're welcome, darling.

- Oh! - Appendectomy. Ooh!

Go, smoke one.

- This is Frank. - Hello. - Hello.

Very sexy. Very stupid.

Go, smoke two.

Oh, my God. This is it!

Go, Dexter, go! - -

Requiem

Cut smoke. Thank you.

What a dreadful fog

Egads, me lads It's a real pea-souper

Who knows what secrets this darkness hides

Who knows what horror may lurk inside

Roll up, roll up It's compulsive

Roll up, roll up

Roll up, roll up He's repulsive

Roll up, roll up

I hear he's strange as Halley's Comet

I hear he makes you want to vomit

Roll up, roll up It's compulsive

Roll up, roll up

If you think I'm strange♪

A lady with a beard.

Take a look over there

He's really weird

Roll up, roll up as quick as you can

He looks like an elephant and talks like a man

Roll up, roll up The tent is busting

Here he comes Mr. Disgusting

Take a deep breath Prepare for the worst

The ugliest man in the universe

I don't know how to reach hi-i-i-im

He's so distant Like a priest or a monk

And just when I think he's staying

I find out

He's packing his trunk

He is a real man♪♪

Not an elephant,

Can he make it

No, he can't

Up soars his soul

Free in this world of tears

Somewhere up in heaven

There's an angel with big ears

An angel with big ears

Cheers.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hey, Charlie. Nice tux.

- Oh, thank you, Dex. - Yeah, yeah.

I spotted a woman.

She's like a hungry leopard in full blossom.

Do you think I stand a chance?

I mean, after all, I'm only land--

Yeah, possibly. Possibly.

Darling, this is Mary Simmons. Dexter's agent.

- - Very touching. - And?

- Kate. Kate. - This is my wife, Cheryl.

Hello. I thought you were really good. Well done.

How's my favorite girl? Darling!

- Bonne chance. Bonne chance. - Oh!

Oh, you okay?

- To a wonderful job. - - Oh, thank you.

Hi. Thank you.

Sorry I'm late. I had some rather special guests at my show tonight.

It's difficult to tell Prince Charles to fuck off...

Because you got a party to go to.

Hello, Dexter. The word on the street...

Is that your makeup is just excellent.

Well, what next?

- Shakespeare. - Oh, yes.

Back to the bosom of the bard.

Yes. It's a musical based on Richard III called Dirty Dick.

Any hits?

Well, there's one called "I've Got A Hunch I'm Gonna Be King."

It's sounding pretty good.

I mean, it's so damn confusing.

One day you're bowing, calling him "Your Highness,"

And the next, you're blind drunk...

And trying to stick a toasted crumpet down his trousers.

- I don't know. - Mm.

- I've got a hunch I'm gonna be king - Poop-pee-doop♪

I'm Dirty Dick and killing's my thing♪♪♪♪ - Gadzooks!

- Excuse me. You were... brilliant. - Oh.

You were just... brilliant.

Thank you very much.

Lovely.

Thank God that's over.

You were very good.

Oh.

I don't know. I think people could have been...

A little more original with the presents.

Six Babars, three Dumbos and two Celestes.

But wait. I'll show you something. Look at this.

You wanna see odd-- a pig.

What-- What is the pig person thinking about?

Well, maybe they'd run out of elephants.

There you go. Maybe so.

Whatcha doin'?

I'm packing a case.

Why you doing that?

Because I'm leaving here, and I'm not coming back.

What? What? What?

Because you've been having an affair with that lady, Cheryl.

If you try and deny it, it will be very grim. It's true, isn't it?

It's not an affair.

- Ah. - Who told you?

Um, well, she did, really,

Tonight while we were at the party,

'Cause you went up to her and you handed her a drink.

- And, um, she didn't say "thank you" or she didn't even smile. HTTP error: 502 - Error 502 : Error 502 : Error 502 !!1 *... - Error 502 !!1 *...

For something like that to happen.

It smacked of collusion.

And also, now I come to think of it, whenever you mention her name, you pause.

Worried you're giving something away.

Gavin, the director, the producer, everybody from the cast.

Timothy, Cheryl, um--

Cyprus Charlie, who I've managed to get in the company as my personal dresser.

Those were your only clues?

You said you liked me 'cause I was clever.

Anyway, I'm sure we'll meet again next time you plan to go to Morocco.

No, this is stupid. I mean, it's over, and it meant nothing.

Yeah, but, unfortunately, while it was going on, I meant nothing too, didn't I?

- And I'm worth more than nothing, aren't I? - Yes! -

So.

Bye-bye.

Take care.

Uh, and by the way, the pig was from me.

Take a deep breath Prepare for the worst

The stupidest man in the universe

That's fair.

Hi.

Uh, yeah, hi, Dexter--

Dexter, look, I--

Hell of a fu--

Good evening and welcome to After Dark.

Tonight, we're taking a look at infidelity.

All of our guests here tonight have, in some way, been unfaithful.

First, Gary Hart.

If you don't then I'll be blue♪♪

'Cause breaking up is hard to do

I've got my pride and I know how to hide

All my sorrow and pain

I'll do my crying in the rain

Don't let the heartaches begin

Well, since my baby left me

I found a new--

I can't win

I've lost that girl for sure

You know, two months ago, I had everything.

I had a girl I loved, who loved me.

Now, you and me on a bench.

That's what I have.

I love you, Dex.

Oh, thanks, Charlie.

I know it's not quite the same, but at least it's something.

Oh, my Lord. Mr. Morrow.

Mr. Morrow.

Is that the voice of Dexter King I hear?

- Yes, it is. This is Charlie. - How do you do?

What do you look like? It's nice to have an image.

I look like Anthony Quinn.

Oh.

Have a seat, Mr. Morrow.

And what subject are we discussing on this fine day?

Love.

Ah, boys.

Do you want my advice on questions of love?

Yes.

My advice is go blind.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Since 1944, every gal I've spent time with...

Iooks the spitting image of Mae West.

You think tearing our eyes out is the answer.

Every time.

Drink, anyone?

Thanks.

I suggest we get well and truly hammered.

'Cause nothing fights despair so effectively...

As getting totally wasted.

Well, it's happening.

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life pretending to be an elephant...

And sharing my bed with a small, squeaky pig.

This is for you, John, and the rabbit.

- What's this? - Thank you.

Shouldn't all of these people be doing their shows tonight?

It was yesterday.

Who knows, Dex? Maybe next year, you'll be up there.

Yeah, best performance in the role of a pachyderm.

The nominations for the award for the best comedy performance are:

Michael Caine in Arms and the Man,

Dudley Moore in Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman,

Christopher Reeve in Whoops, Hamlet,

And Ron Anderson in The Rubber Face Revue.

Boo! Boo!

- And the winner is... - Come on, Michael.

Come on, Chris. Come on, Dudley.

- Ron Anderson. - No!

Oh.

Oh, no!

That is it. That's it! I defend--

Charlie, ever dream of being a West End star?

- Oh, no! No, no, Dex! - - Yes. No one will know the difference.

But they will. I'm-- I'm short, you're tall.

You can act. I can't speak English.

Yes, but you can drool,

Which is crucial in this part.

Oh, in that chair, you look like a young Olivier.

Vengeance shall be mine!

What in the name of Judas Iscariot's bun boy is going on?

I'll tell you what. First you waste five years of my life.

- Then you take the one thing in the world I care about. - Your bicycle?

- No, no, Kate! - You've stopped my show to talk about her?

- You're damned right I have. - Well, you're welcome to her, Dumbo.

I never laid hands on the damn woman. - You didn't sleep with her?

No, I bloody did not!

I take her out, spend a king's ransom on dinner,

Win an award for being the best bloody comedian in the history of the world.

And what do I get? Bloody nothing!

- Are these your trousers? - Yes, they are.

Does no one have any respect for major comic talent these days?

This sort of shit never happened to Charlie Chaplin.

- Are these your car keys? - Yes!

Why don't you just face it, King? You're worthless and weak.

And the chances of you getting a girlfriend without the help of a nuclear war...

That wipes out the entire male population of the planet are, frankly, pretty remote.

Thanks, Ron. I don't think I've ever told you how much I've cherished...

Your unstinting honesty towards me over the years.

- This is, of course, your dressing room key? - It might be.

- Great. - - Wait! Wait! You can't leave me here!

- I've got a show to do! Don't worry. You're the best bloody comedian in the world.

They'll wait for you.

One last thing-- this may just be a rumor--

But I hear that Prince Charles thinks you're a toadying, sniveling suckbutt.

No!

Here he comes Mr. Disgusting

Take a deep breath Prepare for the worst

The ugliest man in the universe

No! No.

Sorry.

Ninety-nine five, one hundred.

Oh.

Excuse me, sir. Have you any idea what speed you were doing?

- Yeah, sorry. I've got to get to the hospital. - Oh, my God, yes.

You poor thing.

Stand back, sir. Stand back.

We need to look at those X rays immediately.

Bob.

Too late. She's dead.

I've gotta talk to you.

Imposs now. There's been a bad smash on the M-40.

You're going to have to wait. Wait, adulterer!

You should get some treatment for that ear before you go.

- I couldn't wait any longer. - What do you want, then?

You. Desperately.

Desperately, indeed.

What do you know about despair? Look at these two.

This one will probably be dead before the ten o'clock news.

- Who me? - Yes. Shush.

Would you... at least have dinner with me?

Why?

Because I love you.

And because I'm almost 40 and I'm a tall American,

Uh, whose entire career consists of playing sidekicks and circus freaks,

Who doesn't belong anywhere, except by your side.

And you're all I have to show for life so far.

- Oh. - Excuse me, Nurse, but aren't you going to be helping me?

I am in some pain, actually.

I will help you when I see fit.

You forfeited the right to being treated in a reasonable manner...

When you made the decision to put a vacuum cleaner pipe up your bottom.

What happened to the ugly actress?

Oh, she's sleeping with the fire-eater.

Just dinner?

- Well-- Oh, God! - - Nurse! Nurse!

Get a crash cart! Get it quickly!

Damn it! Mr. Walker, come on! Come on! Come on!

Dexter, help me! Give him the kiss of life!

Kiss of life? What is the kiss of life?

Get on! Get on there! Get on there!

Come on! Move it! Now, push, push!

No, you push, I'll kiss.

- Come on. Push. That's it! Push!

Come on, Pops! Get me that heart!

Breathe, you bastard! Breathe!

Getting there. Yes! Yes, yes.

- Oh! - Oh, well done, sir.

Did she say "yes" or "no"?

Go on, or I'll die again.

Yeah, give him another chance. You're only young once.

Go on. You might be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Please. Just dinner, and let me explain.

I was a complete, total, utter idiot!

Uh, I've learned my lesson completely, totally, utterly.

- Just dinner. - I promise.

What... no sex at the end?

Well, maybe.

Sex, yes. All right. If you insist.

Okay, then.

So, it all worked out okay.

Charlie has become a big star.

As a matter of fact, right now, he's fighting off an offer...

For the Broadway musical version of E.T.

Ron has entered his seventh year...

Entertaining the public with his bright, sunny personality.

And as for me?

Oh, well, you know, I feel like my head is spinning.

This must be a turning point for me.

Either that, or I should stop twirling around so fast.

No, no, no. It's-- It's, uh, love.

And-- And who knows? Maybe Kate and I will get married someday.

And for our honeymoon, we could go to Morocco.

I mean, I already got the shots.

I never thought I'd miss you

Half as much as I do

And I never thought I'd feel this way

The way I feel about you

As soon as I wake up every night, every day.

I know that it's you I need to take the blues away

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love

Nothing more, nothing less love is the best

As soon as I wake up every night, every day.

I know that it's you I need to take the blues away

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love

It must be love love, love