Original subtitles

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(OWL HOWLING)

CHILD: Dakotakid.

I'm here to impart my wisdom about what I've learned in life.

I'm not going to lie to you.

Or sugarcoat anything

because that wouldn't benefit either of us.

ALAN: (WITH AMERICAN ACCENT) You're a miracle.

Yeah. I don't deserve you.

The rich are happier. There, I said it.

No one will ever love you more than me.

I will... I will...

I will tear down walls with my bare hands

if they get in your way.

All that crap about money being the root of all evil.

Do you know who says that?

Poor people. Poor people say that.

I will make absolutely sure

that you have every opportunity that life has to offer.

With money comes time and freedom.

And those two together are the key to life.

You tell me what you need.

Okay? What do you need? You want me to...

Want me to dance?

I could... I could dance. I could... I could sing?

So how do you make money?

Well, you could... be a professional athlete, or...

or a movie star.

(SINGS) ♪ Then the traveler In the dark ♪

♪ Thanks you For your tiny spark! ♪

But those rely on luck.

And you can't rely on luck. Not with our family.

♪ He does not know Which way to go ♪

♪ If you did not twinkle, so! ♪

LAUREN: What are you singing?

Uh, "Twinkle, Twinkle".

BRIAN: So the only way to guarantee success

is with an education.

Now, education nowadays is like a...

like a domino effect.

In order to get into a prestigious university,

you have to get into a prominent grammar school.

And in order to get into a prominent grammar school,

you have to get into a top-notch primary school.

And in order to prepare you for a top-notch primary school,

you have to go to a great...

preschool.

(BABY CRIES IN THE DISTANCE)

I thought you were... I thought you were sleeping.

Are you in full hair and makeup?

I don't know. ALAN: Beautiful.

Can I get you anything? Champagne?

Sure. Some balloons?

Yep. Well, we got the...

Oh, good. We did it!

LAUREN: I know. You did it!

This is what a good education can do for you.

And I will make sure that you get it.

(PATIENT COUGHS) (BRIAN SHUSHES)

(BABY COOS)

What are you shushing her for? She just had a baby.

Not my baby, was it? (LAUGHS) Stop it, Brian!

Have you noticed that he's the quietest?

(BABY GRACE CRIES) Hi, Momma.

SARAH: (GROANS) Oh, let's get in bed.

Stop!

(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello. Oh.

(GROANS)

You just leave it to me. I'll take care of everything.

I'll take care of everything.

I promise. I promise you.

(CHEERFUL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

BRIAN: (IMITATES PUNCHING, CHOKING SOUNDS)

Goodness, you're a psychopath, aren't you?

You're going to be a killer!

There you go.

There you go. You're getting it. Hey!

Hey, that could be you one day. (COOS)

You can do anything you set your mind to, Gracie.

What are you doing?

She wanted to practice walking.

She's six months old. It's midnight.

MONKEY: (On TV) Oh, hi, guys. Hey, guess what?

I put on my own pants this morning. Did you?

Right, I'm off. You all right? Okay, babe.

BRIAN: "Time To Get Dressed" with the Wild and the Crazies?

You're de-educating him. Oh, right.

I taught him how to get dressed months ago.

Just let him enjoy it.

Flap it over like that. Flap it over like that.

Isn't that brilliant?

(CHILDREN LAUGH, CHEER)

An astronaut goes like this. (WOOSHES)

You're on the moon.

The moon is right out there, honey.

The moon's right out there.

Name all the countries for Mummy, go.

Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Andorra, Angola,

Antigua and Barbuda, Argentina, Armenia, Australia, Austria,

Azerbaijan, Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh,

Barbados, Belarus, Belgium, Belize, Benin, Bhutan,

Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei,

Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cabo Verde,

Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada...

(GROANS) Hi, baby.

Babe, I think he's ready. (CLICKS TONGUE, GROANS)

We should check out some places. And they're incredible.

Yeah. Okay. Time for night-nights, isn't it?

(CHEERFUL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHILDREN CHATTER)

SARAH: Aw, it's so cute!

BRIAN: Bubba! This way.

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

Oh.

(CHILDREN CHATTER, LAUGHING)

How's my tie?

Relax. Just relax. You look great.

Do I? Yeah.

Ready? Yeah. Yeah.

You sure? Come on! Come on!

Right, babe, I'm not gonna let these people intimidate us.

No, we belong here.

TEACHER: Down here then.

This is the Oxford of preschools.

Did you know 82% of its graduates

are multi-millionaires now? Oh, yeah. Who told you that?

It's true, honestly. Well...

Look at them, bub.

(SIGHS)

Right, look at me. Come here.

I know you want the best for Dylan. I think it's lovely.

But let's just make sure we like it

before we start planning his graduation.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

BRIAN: (SMOOCHES) I love you. SARAH: (SMOOCHES) Right, cool.

BRIAN: I belong here, babe.

(INTRIGUING PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry. Oh.

Did you see that, love? What? Do you mean,

did I see the five-year-old glued to his phone? Yeah, I did.

I think it's a bit young, don't you?

No, 'cause he was checking the stock market.

LAUREN: It's not dissimilar to where I went.

But we didn't have duckling racing.

It's very nice.

(DOOR OPENS)

This is smart. (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, all the famous alumni.

Why have they got Mr. Bean up? BRIAN: Mr. Bean!

(CHUCKLES) Sorry. Hiya. Hello.

We're going on a tour. Pardon me?

We're going on a tour. BRIAN: What'd you say?

We're...

Good morning. Good morning.

I'm Sylvia Lawrence, Director of Admissions.

Hi. Sylvia. Brian. Pleased to meet you.

SARAH: Sarah. Hiya. Lovely to meet you.

(GASPS) It's lovely to see you both again.

It's good to see you again, Sylvia.

SYLVIA: Good to see you.

Now, uh, I'm afraid I'm running short on time today,

so I've had to schedule

both of your introductory tours together.

I hope that's okay. SARAH: It's fine with us.

And us. SYLVIA: Great.

Did you get a chance to meet?

Brian and Sarah Young,

this is Alan and Lauren Williams.

SARAH: Hiya. Hi.

Yo. Hi.

SYLVIA: Okay, well, welcome

to Puggsley's Academy of Excellence.

This is where we prepare children

for every aspect of life.

We take children from four, all the way through to 18.

We would teach, well, Dylan and Grace,

how to capitalize on their strengths

by... by helping them build up their weaknesses

so that they have the... the confidence to tackle

any obstacle that might present itself in their future.

Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, uh, most preschools run half days.

Here at Puggsley, we're on full days.

That's great. SYLVIA: Five days a week.

Workshops for the children every other weekend.

What kind of workshops?

Oh, they can range from AI through to Anglo-Saxon poetry.

Anglo-Saxon? They were before the Normans, weren't they?

SYLVIA: Very good. English history.

SYLVIA: Absolutely.

Our motto here at Puggsley is, uh, Puer paratus, puer felix.

"A prepared child..." "...is a successful child."

Oh, my God. SYLVIA: Excellent.

Now, we only accept the best here,

and we make no apologies for that.

We want to create an environment where students push themselves

well past their potential.

Uh, after all, you can only get smarter

if you play a smarter opponent. Ah, steel sharpens steel.

Lemons make lemonade. What?

They do. Yes.

Um... All right.

Uh, if you'd like to follow me to my office,

I'd like to speak to you about something rather delicate.

BRIAN: What's going on? I'm... Yeah, losing it.

SARAH: Thanks. Oh, no, please, please.

ALAN: No, no, you have to... Honestly.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Every year at Puggsley's,

um, we have a limited number of spaces. Obviously.

The siblings of current students and alumnus get first priority.

Then, uh...

whatever slots are left, we offer to new children.

But this year, we only have one slot. (CHUCKLES)

But we've narrowed it down to your two children.

So, uh, in order to help us decide

which one of your children we're accepting,

you'll need to write up a thesis on your child by this Wednesday.

But no more than 20 pages.

Twenty pages? Today's Monday!

Yeah, I know, but please, don't feel under any pressure.

Your... your children both seemed like excellent candidates

when I met them last week.

All right. So this thesis, uh, what should it be about?

Any volunteer work your child has done,

or, you know, concerts they've given.

We'll make it up.

Then, uh, we'll have the father's presentation.

Sorry, what was that one? Father's what?

SYLVIA: The father's presentation.

That's, uh, that's this Friday.

But that should only take about an hour.

Um, then we'll sit down with both families next Monday

before we make our final decision.

We're not just choosing a child here at Puggsley,

we're choosing a family.

All right, uh, shall we... shall we take a walk,

and I'll show you around?

(PLAYFUL DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC FADES)

Now, look.

The children do Tai Chi in the morning

and have meditation time in the afternoons.

All the research shows, and we certainly feel,

that these activities help raise their concentration levels

and lower their stress levels.

(IN LATIN)

Mm.

(EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING)

("SPRING" PLAYING)

(IN ENGLISH) This is our conservatoire,

where we teach our children a variety of instruments.

Right, well, we should probably leave them to it.

Really amazing.

All right, please, after you.

Do, uh, do Dylan and Grace play?

ALL: Yes.

Oh, which instruments?

Piano. Violin.

Oh, the violin.

The violin can elicit such emotion.

I just adore the violin.

But the piano... (CLICKS TONGUE) ...now that's my secret love.

I just can't go to sleep at night

until I unwind by tinkling the ivories.

Sylvia, I just have to say that Lauren and I

are very impressed with your school.

We think you've done a wonderful job with the children.

Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's very nice of you to say.

Yes. Sarah and I agree. We're both really impressed.

We love how you've trained the children.

It's incredible, isn't it? SARAH: Trained? Yeah.

BRIAN: Yeah.

Uh, we also have quite a stellar science lab,

but I'm afraid it's closed right now.

We have a science fair next week,

so the room's filled with projects.

Can't be disturbed. Mrs. Lawrence,

I'm very sorry to bother you. Is there a lavatory nearby?

Yes. I'm afraid we're going to have to go back up the stairs.

Back up the stairs. Along the corridor.

BRIAN: Along the corridor. SYLVIA: Take a right...

Yeah, I've got it. Thank you.

Then it's round to the... Yeah. Yeah. He'll find it.

Now, fencing piste? Yeah.

BRIAN: Science lab. Let's see what you got.

(PLAYFUL INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)

BRIAN: Bioreactor. What is that?

The Plastic Eater.

Oh! My God.

Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, God.

No, no, no, no. Stop, stop!

No. Oh, this is ridiculous.

This is mad. It'll be fine, it'll be fine.

Okay, the most unoriginal science project

in the history of science projects.

Cue Lava.

(VOLCANO BUZZES)

(SIGHS)

(PEOPLE CHATTER IN DISTANCE)

SYLVIA: We have a wonderful language department.

So, we cover all the languages

that you could possibly want to study.

We don't just teach modern foreign languages here.

We, uh, cover any language, really.

Arabic, Mandarin. We also do Cantonese, Russian.

(TELEPHONE RINGING) SYLVIA: Oh, sorry. One moment.

Yep.

What's that on your face? What have you got?

Sorry, I'm afraid there's been an incident in the science lab.

It's quite a mess.

Well, how... how big a mess is it?

I thought the science lab... SARAH: What did you do?

SYLVIA: So it's beyond repair? Oh?

SYLVIA: All right. Could you secure it, please?

Thank you.

I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to cut this meeting short.

I... I do apologize. Thank you all for coming in.

We'll make our decision next week.

Right, wish you all the best. Thank you.

SYLVIA: Oh.

I just got to say, it's so nice to meet you, Sylvia.

SYLVIA: Oh, and to you and your wife.

I think we have some friends in common.

We should, I don't know, lunch sometime.

Lovely to meet you, Mrs. Lawrence.

Thank you so much for...

(KISSES) ...taking the time for that.

Can I call you Sylvia, like he called you Sylvia?

All right, Brian... (CHUCKLES) ...I'll see you both Friday.

See ya. See youse Friday. After you.

Please. Uh, uh, uh...

No, please, just... you go.

All right, we'll see you. See you later.

(BELLS CHIME)

Look, I... I feel I should address

the elephant in the room.

(CHUCKLES)

I... I would hate for something like this

to throw a wedge between our families.

Thank you. Yeah, I was... I was gonna say the same thing.

(CHUCKLES)

Well? Yeah.

Why don't you guys come over for dinner tonight?

It'll give us a chance to get acquainted.

Yeah, you know what? That's actually... That's good.

We should be friends. We shouldn't be enemies, right?

Great. What time?

Uh...

7:00? Perfect.

Okay.

What was that about?

You didn't even ask if I was okay with it.

What do you mean, dinner? (MUTTERS)

You said you want us all to be mates.

I know, but we have to start writing our paper.

It's due on Wednesday.

I'll work on it tomorrow. I'm a really good writer.

Uh, no, you're not. Yeah, I am. I'm really good.

Okay.

Brian, what is up with you?

You've got that 1000 yard stare in your eyes.

Right, okay. We need to know what Dylan's up against.

So, I figure we go around there, meet Grace,

scope out his competition.

Scope out the competition? BRIAN: Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, you are insane.

Remember what Michael Corleone said,

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer."

And they're enemies. Mm.

That was Sun Tzu, you moron.

Right, I don't care whose son said it.

(SCOFFS) I hate him.

He is so smarmy, isn't he?

Smarm. He oozes smarm.

I gotta hand it to you, honey.

The way you made him think we're not competitive.

You got them to let their guard down.

I'm not competitive.

And I've no intention of fighting for a spot

in some pretentious preschool.

Ah, that's good. That's good.

Know your opponent inside and out.

It's the first lesson in The Art of War.

Thought that was Lady Gaga.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(COMMENTARY ON TV) Forty-five thousand?

For a preschool?

Are you out of your mind? You can't pay that.

No price is too much for our child's future, Dad.

Well, what in the world are they doing

that's any different than ordinary preschool?

Ah, well, for starters, they've blended the best

educational theories and practices

to create this school, and every child

is seen as unique and special.

Every child's unique and special!

I can find you a preschool for a fraction of the money.

Like you found me a preschool when I was Dylan's age?

There weren't any preschools!

There was. There was loads, Dad. Loads of 'em!

(SCOFFS) Boo-hoo!

What?

If I'd sent you to a preschool, you'd have ended up

Prime Minister or something, would you?

I might have done, yeah.

I might-- At least I'd have what Jeff's got.

You sent him private school.

Instead of sending me, you bought yourself a bloody Isuzu.

I needed that pickup

for my work! Right.

Why do you have to whine like a baby?

We've been through this.

You were older and there was no money.

BRIAN: Okay, if there was no money, Dad,

how did you manage to swing

all those ridiculous Sasquatch conventions?

Surely my education was more important

than swapping conspiracy theories?

(OMINOUS GROWL IN DISTANCE)

You don't know what's out there. And neither do you.

(CHUCKLES)

JEFF: Oi, oi! Yeah.

Brilliant. Jeff's here.

What are you doing here, Jeff? What are you two doing in there?

All right, come on. I'm not stopping long.

Got you something.

God, that fridge stinks.

(SCOFFS)

Mm, all right?

Very good, are you? Fine, what you been doing?

Is that bird poo on your jumper? Bird poo?

No, Father, this is, uh, Pierre Jean Leclerc. Very posh.

Will I get you one for Christmas?

No, no, I'm good, son.

He's fine. What's this?

Oh, yeah, I, um, I got Dylan some new clothes for his school.

That's really nice. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, it's 'cause

the, uh, the designer of that sold out her entire collection

in three hours.

So, I pulled some strings, and here we are.

What, you had to pull strings to get a kid some clothes?

I don't know which one of the two of you are crazier.

You never bought me anything

that would help me fit in in my school.

No, it wasn't your wardrobe

stopped you fitting in at school, son.

It was your bowl haircut.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I mean, you cut my hair back then, so--

It's brilliant. Thanks. Jeff, you did look like

a massive mushroom back then, you really did.

You did. I'm glad I stopped by. This has been fab.

Right, I would love to chat to you lesbians about fashion,

but I have a hot yoga retreat in the Cotswolds to attend,

so, um, see you later.

All right, mate. See you later. See you later, mate.

All right, babes. You okay?

Let's go.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

See ya.

Okay.

Are you speaking to me?

I don't see anybody else in the room.

Are you talking...

are you talking about me behind me back and that?

'Cause I don't-- You must be if you're not--

SARAH: Babe? I'm not really sure about that school.

None of the kids played or laughed.

Didn't really feel like children.

D'you know what I mean? BRIAN: No, not really.

The school's bloody perfect, bubba.

SARAH: Okay. Can you come here please?

I need your help. I need to find the right look.

I'm looking to be like a cross

between intimidating and confident.

Okay. Why do you need to be intimidating?

(SCOFFS) I need to make Alan nervous, don't I?

So he can spill the beans on his strategy.

Okay, well, that's definitely not intimidating.

BRIAN: At all? At all.

Why though? Give me a good reason. SARAH: No. No, it's not sexy.

It's clown-like. BRIAN: White on blue.

Don't like it. Please take it off. BRIAN: Oh.

SARAH: Doesn't work, babe.

I don't like it. Why?

(INHALES) Anyway, trust me, Alan's not as crazy as you.

He's not gonna have a strategy.

I know they have a strategy. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I just have to figure out what it is. (EXHALES)

LAUREN: You've officially lost your mind.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES)

(ENGINE SHUTS OFF)

(KEYS JANGLING) (CAR DOOR OPENING)

Baby, I think this is the house out of your poster.

I don't believe it. This man is living my dream life.

No, look, it's completely different

'cause my picture doesn't have

that weird statue in it, does it?

What is it? Oh, looks like--

Is that giant gnome hol-- Is it holding a baby?

I don't think that's a baby. It looks like a baby.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) It's very creepy, though.

Let's go before it curses us. Come on.

Hello! SARAH: Hi.

Welcome. (CHUCKLES) SARAH: Thanks.

Come in. Oh, thank you.

So glad you guys could make it. Oh, wow. This place is amazing.

Make yourself at home.

Can I take your coats? Oh, thanks. Yeah. Hmm.

Oh, sorry. Oh!

(GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMING) SARAH: Oh.

Oh. SARAH: Hey.

Oh, thank, uh, thanks. Thank you.

Can I get you some wine? Red or white?

Ei... Either. Um-- Oh, So... sorry.

Red if you have it. Roze!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

I have a special little bottle

tucked aside for a night like this.

Would you be a dear and grab the wine?

Of course, Ms. Lauren.

Come! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Ah. (EXHALES)

Oh. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) This is our angel, Grace.

I hope you enjoy custard tarts. I made them this afternoon.

Hey, nice to meet you. I love custard tarts.

Thank you so much. Thank you, cheers.

Thank you.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, my God. SARAH: Oh! (LAUGHS)

LAUREN: Getting so good at that. You make mummy want to do one.

ROZE: Would you like some wine?

Thank you. Sure. Thank you.

Cheers. Thank you. Thanks.

Mmm!

Ooh! Very, um, uh, balanced.

Full bodied. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Care for a tour? Oh.

Alan will be down in a minute.

Let's go. See you in a bit.

BRIAN: See you in a bit.

Oh, don't mind the ghosts. Yeah.

(LAUREN AND SARAH CHATTER IN DISTANCE)

That is... that is so good.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

ALAN: Brian! Oh, Alan!

Welcome to my humble abode.

(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES)

Oh.

You got a little something on your...

Hmm.

It's one of Grace's tarts.

Yeah. Delicious, right? Mm! So good.

ALAN: Yeah.

Oh, I got you a little something here.

I'm a bit of a Dewar's collector.

Yeah. It's a ridiculously expensive pastime, but it's nice

to enjoy the finer things with new friends.

Cheers. ALAN: Cheers.

That's one way to enjoy it. Ah!

Oh!

ALAN: It's, uh-- (EXHALES SHARPLY) That's...

whiskey, isn't it? ALAN: Yeah.

It's, uh, it's actually one of my favorite sipping whiskeys.

(EXHALES SHARPLY, COUGHS)

Ooh, yeah.

Ah!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) So, how are things?

I can't complain. You? Good. Very good, actually.

Good. I'm good... I'm good also.

That's good. BRIAN: Mm-hmm.

(ALAN SIGHS)

Crack on? Yeah.

Yeah. All right.

SARAH: How did you and Alan meet?

Car crash. Oh!

Alan was in town meeting with investors.

He pulled out of his parking spot

and drove on the wrong side of the road.

I hit my brakes, and he-- Well, we bumped fenders.

He was so apologetic and so cute. (CHUCKLES)

A week later, we moved in together

and he started his company here.

Huh! Well, he was obviously very successful. (CHUCKLES)

Mmm, that one failed miserably.

Oh. How did you meet Brian?

Panic attack. Oh?

His, not mine. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS)

Uh, yeah, back when he was doing odd jobs as a handyman,

he was hired to do some repairs at the work that I was at then,

and, um, well, he walked straight into a spider's web

and I've never heard a man shriek so loud.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

And I had to talk him down.

And then yeah, I mean, I guess it's just been love ever since.

Super sexy. So, he has arachnophobia?

More like a fear of all bugs. Oh! Never heard of that one.

So, I gotta admit,

I did a little reading about your company.

I guess I've not done my homework, then.

Yeah, I think it's very admirable

how you went from working construction

to risking it all by building that giant apartment complex.

Uh, nothing ventured, nothing gained, Alan.

Hey,

to fortune favoring the bold. Yeah.

Right? Oh, yeah.

There you go. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Mr. Williams, dinner will be ready in ten minutes.

ALAN: Okay. Thank you, Roze.

(FIREPLACE CRACKLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Almost forgot that was there.

So young and so many accolades, right?

GRACE: Daddy? (GASPS)

Can I show him my new routine? Of course you can, sweetheart.

What a wonderful idea.

Routine? Come on.

(WIND TUNNEL WHIRRING)

So, back to the subject of our ventures, Brian.

Now, I... I realize

there's been a lot of time and effort on your part

with this whole preschool affair.

I'd like to offer you an opportunity.

Yeah, what kind of opportunity?

Well, the kind with a lot of zeros.

Are you putting a price tag on my child's future?

You Americans! You think you can just write a check

to get everybody to do what you want?

I should storm out of here right now!

GRACE: Daddy? Ooh. Wow.

Yeah, that's a... that's a... GRACE: Daddy?

That's a big opportunity, isn't it?

Look, I... I feel you could use the money

to find another option, another path, for Dylan.

The Puggsley path is the only path we want.

I didn't wait this long to have a kid to not have him go

to the best preschool in town, Alan.

Yeah, well, me neither.

Dylan will excel at Puggsley, and every school thereafter.

This is his opportunity.

I won't let any amount of money stop that.

Well, I guess,

Grace is gonna have to beat your son legitimately

for that spot, then.

Yeah, she will. Mr. Williams, dinner's ready.

Okay.

You're just gonna leave her in there?

("LIBIAMO NE'LIETI CALICI" PLAYING)

The meal was spectacular, Matteo.

Can't wait to see what comes out next.

Next?

Matteo has a five-course Italian meal planned.

That way, we can sample a few great little dishes.

Wow. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

ALAN: I'm opening a restaurant this Friday in town.

Yeah, so Matteo and I are ironing out the details

so that we can take it to the printer tomorrow

to lock everything in.

Alan and I met Matteo in Tuscany while on holiday,

and Alan asked him to come back and work for him.

Right. You're testing the menu out on us!

Feel so special, right, Brian?

Pass the wine, please, bub.

Pass me the vino! Yeah.

LAUREN: We really are so excited about the opening.

Alan has a very ambitious vision,

and there's a lot riding on it.

So, I've pulled in a few big fish.

Yes, she has. Taste makers, influencers,

food critics. And... and Alan has,

uh, negotiated with the local radio station

to give away a dozen free tickets to the listeners.

ALAN: Mm-hmm. Oh, right.

Which station?

Uh, K-DISCO.

Oh, that's Brian's brother Jeff's station.

What? SARAH: Right, Brian?

ALAN: Wait, wait, wait.

Jeff Young is your brother? Mad, innit?

I never would have made that connection.

He's... he's such a great guy. And so chic.

So successful. So classy.

God!

I couldn't help but notice the, uh,

the sailboat over the mantelpiece.

Oh, she's a beaut, isn't she? Yeah, really pretty.

(BURPS)

Alan had to sell the real one years ago.

No more expeditions into the Antarctic for me.

SARAH: Thank you. ALAN: Now that I'm a father,

it's too dangerous.

What is that? ALAN: But I do miss sailing.

All that power, slicing through the water,

struggling to man the haul. SARAH: Mm-hmm.

That means steering the boat, Brian.

Yeah, I know, Alan, I know,

'cause I'm really familiar with nautical terms.

I'm an avid sailor meself. Oh.

Really? I didn't know that. BRIAN: Yeah.

Yeah, well, it's true.

We go out all the time, my brother and I.

We actually own a boat together. Don't we, babe?

Yeah.

It's a shame that you're doing the printer thing tomorrow,

else I'd have you come out with us, but you can't, can ya?

Oh! ALAN: Well, now, hold on.

(CALLBACK TONE RINGING)

Carolyn, uh, it's Alan. Uh, would you be a dear

and push up my 4:00 pm to 10:00 am tomorrow morning?

Good news. I'm free. (LAUGHS) That's great!

What? You're free tomorrow now? ALAN: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Oh, yeah! ALAN: Oh.

Oh, I cannot wait. LAUREN: Hmm.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

LAUREN: Oh, I know just what to wear.

LAUREN: After you, please.

BRIAN: Thank you. Thank you.

LAUREN: Oh, what a thrill. It's just been lovely.

Really lovely.

Thank you just so much for having us.

Like, it's not often we get to feast

like kings, so. (CHUCKLES)

Well, word has it

that this used to be the old stomping grounds of Henry VIII.

Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Wow.

If these walls could talk,

every single corner of this place has a story to tell.

Hmm. SARAH: Huh.

Yeah. Well, what's his story, then?

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, it's-- Oh, well,

now, that statue is very special.

It's said to have been sculpted by Michelangelo.

SARAH: Oh.

One of his much later works, of course...

but still very impressive.

By then, he would have been pretty much losing his eyesight,

and had gout, and kidney stones. Honey, I think they probably--

Possibly even losing his hearing.

But if you really, really want to know the full story,

my... my 16 times great-grandfather

settled on this land

and he built this manor for his wife

and that he commissioned that statue

to symbolize their everlasting commitment to each other.

And now it reflects Alan's and my love to one another,

doesn't it, sweetheart? Yeah.

BRIAN: Right. So sorry, Lauren.

Um, this is actually your place then, is it?

Oh, well, what's mine is his now, of course. Hmm.

But Alan's really been working his way up

in the family business and Papa couldn't be more impressed.

I am sure.

But really, it's not-- D'ya know what, um, we...

we really have to go.

Thank you so much for a lovely evening. ALAN: Yeah, yeah...

Well-- (CHUCKLES) Thank you for the meal.

We'll see ya. Yeah.

LAUREN: It's our pleasure. SARAH: Thank you.

And we should make a habit of this.

Yeah. We would love to, wouldn't we?

Good. BRIAN: We would.

Yeah. Safe home, then!

Thank you. Cheers. SARAH: Thank you.

Ciao! BRIAN: Safe home to you.

All right, stop it. Ciao.

I knew... I knew it. I knew it.

Of course he married into the money, babe.

What? I do not get why this is such a big revelation for you.

Are you kidding me?

Bub, he was... he was so smug,

walking around like king of the castle,

and then we find out, bang, it's not even his money, babe!

(SHUSHES)

You know Jeff is not gonna let you take his boat out.

Uh, yeah, he will. Jeff owes me. What does he owe you for?

His life. What?

I took all the flack while he reaps the rewards.

Besides, I don't need Jeff.

I'm a... I'm a really good sailor.

Jeff is a great sailor. You are barely passable, my love.

Hold on. But you don't know that, do you, for sure?

You've been listening to me dad, haven't ya?

He's always badmouthing me.

What? Oh, God. Doesn't matter, babe.

I love you. You're so beautiful. I love you. I love you, baby.

I love you. I'm a really good sailor.

Baby, give me the keys.

I'm gonna drive, okay? 'Cause you're too drunk. Right.

And anyway, Alan's going to be with us.

Alan's not driving my boat. Jeff's boat. Our boat.

What? I'm the main driver.

SARAH: Yeah, well, you are the main driver.

He can help out with things.

He can talk about knots and that. He can do...

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Ooh!

Isn't it nice to connect to other parents?

Makes this whole preschool madness

seem almost worth it. (SIGHS)

Yeah, I just-- I kind of wish

you hadn't mentioned all this stuff about our...

family history, you know? Hmm?

We barely know those people.

Oh, please. What is there to hide?

We have a beautiful life.

I love that story about my grandparents' statue.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Brian? Oh.

SARAH: My love. Yeah?

Let me get this straight. You've, um,

you've hired an out-of-work screenwriter

to write about Dylan? Yeah, that's right.

Um, he's in between projects right now,

writing movie trailers.

So, we're actually really lucky to get him.

So, why won't you let me do it?

Babe. Babe.

This guy's wrote three of my favorite movies.

Kill Me Twice, A Hail Of Bullets and A Cold Day In Hell.

All classics.

Oh, God, I'm so excited to meet him.

He's gonna make Dylan look like a badass.

He really, really is.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, God, he's here.

What are you waiting for?

I don't want to seem desperate.

My love, that ship sailed a long time ago.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Chase Stevens. Oh, God. Incredible.

I've come across one of your films.

Um, forgot what it's called, though.

Yeah, great.

With... with a con man who fakes his own death

to get the mobsters off his back--

It's so good. It really is.

Yeah, I know. I wrote it.

This is all-cash, yeah? Yeah.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(KNOCKING AT THE DOOR)

(WHISPERS) Hiya, Chase. Chase!

Sorry, mate, I... I couldn't help myself.

I know it hasn't been long. But I just--

I had to see what you've come up with so far.

You said the deadline was five o'clock.

Yeah. No. It's all right. (SIGHS)

Let's do it now.

Yeah (PRINTER WHIRRING)

"To the esteemed members

of the Puggsley Academy of Excellence,

Admissions Committee. (CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(IN MOVIE TRAILER VOICE) In a world

where mediocrity is the norm amongst children,

one boy will rise up and prove himself worthy

of the best the world has to offer.

Strength and endurance, artistic prowess,

and intellectual capacity, revered by all of those

who encounter his magnificent presence.

Women yearn for the man he'll become.

(MUFFLED) Whilst our enemies preemptively tremble. (SCOFFS)

But this boy's greatness must be cultivated,

nurtured, capacitated, guided.

All of which will be given to him by the people who are...

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) SARAH: Dylan has strong interest

in learning about the world around him.

He is warm, empathetic, and a natural friend to others.

(EPIC MUSIC PLAYING) CHASE: The boy must be trained,

nurtured, so that he can rule the country

and one day usher us all into a brave, new world!

Huh? What do you think about that?

Um, yeah, it's-- I like it. (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

SARAH: "We believe that Puggsley Academy of Excellence

would offer Dylan the nurturing

and challenging environment he needs...

"He needs to continue growing academically,

socially and emotionally.

(TEARFUL) Thank you for considering our son,

the light of our lives,

who consistently brightens our days

and would undoubtedly do the same for this institution."

Oh, my God. (CRIES)

(SNIFFLES) (SIGHS HEAVILY, SNIFFLES)

You have to admit it's good, right?

Yeah. It's... it's all right. It's not bad. It's not bad.

(SNIFFLES) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Aw. (DOORBELL RINGS)

(GASPS) Oh, no.

Oh, can someone answer the door? I'm not ready yet.

All right, babe. JOE: I'll get it!

Oh, that's so... so good.

So good.

ALAN: Ahoy there, matey. LAUREN: Hello!

This must be Gracie, eh? ALAN: Oh, yeah.

JOE: Hello. (CHUCKLES) ALAN: That's her.

Oh, and, uh, this is? Oh.

This is Roze. ALAN: This is Roze.

JOE: Oh. Nice to meet you, sir.

Oh, no, pleasure's all mine.

LAUREN: Roze is our nanny. Well, Grace's nanny, that is.

She looks after all of us. BRIAN: Oh, iceberg, portside.

Oh! Ahoy!

Wish I had a stupid, blue hat.

Oh, look at you two. You look exactly the same.

You're wearing the same gear. It was my idea.

It was your idea? Bet it was your money as well.

Sarah will be down in a minute.

Oh, and Roze is here. How you doing, Roze, you okay?

Thought me dad was looking after the kids.

Oh, of course. So kind of you. We just...

we just thought it would be helpful to bring her along.

Hey, don't get miffed.

I need all the help I can get, eh?

All right. Shall we have a quick tour then,

while we wait for Sarah.

Yeah? Come on then, follow me.

Oh... (CHUCKLES) ...look at this, little dojo.

Everyone, this is Dylan.

He's competing again at the nationals next month.

That outfit is adorbs. Cute little guy. Look at that.

Alan, try to take him down.

(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS)

I'm not... I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna take him down.

Go on, have a go. ALAN: I'm not gonna take your kid down.

BRIAN: Try to take him down. I could.

If I wanted to, I could. I could.

Nice to meet you, bud.

(GRUNTS) Oh! Athletic little guy, isn't he?

(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, wow. (GRUNTS)

Oh, God. Brian... Brian?

(GRUNTS)

You all right? Babe?

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS IN PAIN) Get off me.

Get off me.

(GRUNTS) Brian!

(ALAN GRUNTING)

Okay, okay, okay. Dylan? Dylan, desist.

Sorry. I've never flipped someone so big.

(PANTS)

Well, let's... let's... let's go... let's go sailing.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

LAUREN: You all right? Was it bad?

It was bad, wasn't it? Uh, I thought

it was a very honorable submission.

(SCOFFS)

What was I supposed to do, it was a little kid.

Supposed to beat him up? I'm not gonna beat up--

I could have... I could have beat him up.

I-- You were very gallant.

And I think the main thing to think of here

is that they are a lovely family and I really like them.

And the little boy is so talented.

Can you believe what he did? Uh, no, I can't.

I underestimated him. What?

But it's not going to happen again.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

SARAH: Never heard of that before.

I might give it a go.

LAUREN: (SIGHS) I really miss sailing.

I'm so glad you guys asked us to come.

SARAH: Oh! It's been a long time

since Alan and I have been out with another couple.

Oh, yeah? You mean not covered in food stains, or vomit,

or watching The Wild and Crazies for six hours on a loop?

(CHUCKLES) Well, the day is young.

Have you met my husband? Oh, God. Have you met mine?

So, Alan, you finished your thesis?

Yeah. Easy-peasy. Yep. Same.

What about that father's presentation?

Yeah. Really prepped for it. Fully prepped. What about you?

Fully prepped. I mean...

she's my... she's my daughter.

I've been prepping for years, right?

Yeah, same.

So, where's the boat? There, Alan, look.

LAUREN: Oh, she's beautiful, Brian.

BRIAN: She is.

Gaynor.

What's the significance there?

SARAH: Not gonna tell him, babe?

Shall I tell him? Yeah, you crack on.

Oh, well, believe it or not,

but Brian is a huge fan of Gloria Gaynor.

Well, she's very talented. SARAH: Yeah, I mean, you know,

"I Will Survive" is not really

quite the right name for a boat, is it?

But it is, in fact, Brian's favorite song.

Yeah, and poor Brian.

He's had some real trials and tribulations,

some heartache in his life.

And that song, it's just got you through

the darkest of days, hasn't it, my baby?

Hmm.

Yeah, I've only ever heard divorced women sing that song.

Well, the French sang it and it won them the World Cup in '98.

The French? Yeah, well, I guess I could believe that.

BRIAN: Ahoy there, Bob!

He takes care of this beauty for us.

Yeah ALAN: Hey.

Brian.

You can't take the boat out today.

What? Why not, Bob? (CHUCKLES) You just can't.

You know why.

I actually don't know why, Bob. This is very much a surprise.

Oh, right! (CHUCKLES)

You... you called, but I didn't tell you

because I just noticed now, or just few minutes ago

while I was trying to get her ready for you.

Can you get to the point, please, Bob?

Um...

it's the head.

I wouldn't want to get into many details.

But one of the workers had too many burritos.

Oh, for-- This is...

And his IBS kicked in. Oh, dear.

And he couldn't make it to the clubhouse.

LAUREN: Oh! JOE: And your boat

was right here, and...

Anyway, it's a real mess down there.

I wouldn't even get too close if I were you,

or you'll start smelling the overflow

from the holding tank, yeah. BRIAN: Okay.

Thank you very much. That's-- We've got it. Thank you.

(SIGHS) Ah, what a darn shame. (SCOFFS)

I guess we'll just have to do it another day.

It wasn't me, by the way.

Thank you very much for whatever that was.

Ridiculous. Cheers.

(GROANS)

Hey, let's not let this ruin our day out.

I've got an idea.

There are paddle ball courts here, that might be fun.

Do you play, Alan?

Alan's always wanted to try that.

I'm not really dressed for-- BRIAN: Really? Well,

it's your lucky day!

Just a five-minute walk.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) I tell you what,

I'll reserve us a court, yeah?

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

LAUREN: Okay. Lovely.

ALAN: I didn't know this place existed.

LAUREN: Little Wimbledon.

Uh, do you want a drink, or? Yeah, yeah. Anything.

Some nuts.

Nuts? Yeah. Or coffee, or--

Where did he go?

I don't know. Maybe toilet, or--

Don't know. I'm not sure. Right. We all ready then?

(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

Yeah? Let's go.

Babe?

Babe? Brian? Yeah?

What are you wearing?

What? What are you wearing?

What do you mean what I'm wearing?

What do you mean, what do I mean? It's too tight!

I think, we should try to be kind to them.

I'll be kind. I'm not going to let 'em win.

Okay, stretching, just a little bit.

Just a little stretch. Back and forth, back and forth.

(GROANS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS) Oh, my God. What are you--

Get it off me. Babe.

BRIAN: What's-- SARAH: Stop it.

What is it? Get it off me, please.

Brain, it's fine. It's gone. BRIAN: Has it gone now?

Get it off! Where's it gone?

Babe, look at me. It's... it's gone up there.

What's a butterfly doing in here? It's up there.

It's gone up there. It's fine. Just breathe.

(EXHALES HEAVILY) My God. That was close.

Okay. Just breathe.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Right. I'm guessing we all know the rules.

What was that?

It was just a thing. Just a... a weird buggy thing.

It was a butterfly.

Yeah, it doesn't matter, does it? Are you afraid of butterflies?

LAUREN: I think he's afraid of all bugs.

I didn't know that was a thing.

I'd say he just proved that it is.

Entomophobia. It is a thing, actually.

Yeah. Look it up.

I could get a blue badge if I wanted, but I don't. (SNICKERS)

Okay, ready? Ready for serve. All right.

Feet in position, bub.

And, off we go.

Mine, mine, mine, mine! (GRUNTS)

Sorry, sorry. Are you okay? I elbowed-- Can you just calm down?

Babe, stop it! Our serve now?

SARAH: Yeah, yeah, it is. BRIAN: No, no.

SARAH: It's their serve. It's definitely not. I serve for the whole game.

No, no, you, um-- We'll just say it's yours.

SARAH: Calm down. Bloody hell. I serve for the whole game.

Oh, bad luck. That makes it our serve.

If that--

Ah! BRIAN: Ha, ha!

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

BRIAN: Mine, mine, mine! (GRUNTS)

Unlucky.

Watch out. Watch out! God, you nearly got my...

you nearly got my wife then in the head.

ALAN: Sorry about that. Will you just take it down a notch.

All right. Just calm down a bit.

That's 15-love. You weren't looking, were you?

Pay attention. That was... that was out!

That was out. Just stop it.

You're stressing me out. Let's everyone just calm--

(GRUNTS)

SARAH: Calm down.

(SHOUTS)

(SHOUTS) Yes! LAUREN: Calm down. Just calm.--

Okay. That's our game. LAUREN: Calm down.

That's our point!

Yes! Good job. Hey, hey. Ah! It's all right. Next time.

Stop it. Four-three.

(GRUNTS) I got it.

(GRUNTS) ALAN: Sorry.

(SHOUTS) Yes! ALAN: (SHOUTS) Yes!

That was in! Match point.

(YELLS)

(ALAN GRUNTS)

(SHOUTS) Yeah! Yes!

I love you so much. SARAH: Oh, babe. Oh, babe.

We won. We won. SARAH: We won.

(ALAN GRUNTS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

You all right there, pal? Are you okay?

Do you need a minute? What?

(GRUNTS)

LAUREN: Oh, no. (SHOUTS) Oh, my God!

Oh, my-- (YELLS IN PAIN) LAUREN: That's bad.

Oh, my God.

What do I do? Ooh, dear.

(GAGS) LAUREN: Oh, that's bad.

Someone should do something.

Oh! (ALAN RETCHING)

BRIAN: 'Cause all I'm saying is it'd just be

really interesting to know

exactly how fast that ball was going.

Not for me, but for... for Alan. For bragging rights.

Right, yeah. What Brian is trying to say,

is that he's really sorry.

And, um, if there's anything we can do,

please just do let us know.

Oh, I did already say that. No, you didn't say it.

Yeah, I did. No, say it properly.

Like you mean it. I've said it loads. I've--

Say it like you mean it! Sorry, Alan.

I'm sorry, mate. No!

Let's... let's go inside. Yeah, yeah.

Look, I... I am sorry, Alan.

Mate... my sincerest apologies, yeah?

If there's anything I can do, you just let me know.

Well, you... you could step aside

and let Grace take that spot.

(CHUCKLES) I'm just kidding.

(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, where'd the fun in that be, right? (CHUCKLES)

We're just getting started, pal.

BRIAN: Yeah.

SARAH: That's weird, it's locked.

Hello? We're back.

Hello?

ALAN: Grace, come on. Time to go, honey.

Why is it so dark in here?

Roze? SARAH: Where are they?

(GROWLS) (YELLS)

(YELLS) LAUREN: (YELLS) Oh, my gosh!

(JOE LAUGHS)

BRIAN: Dad. We've spoken about this, haven't we?

(JOE LAUGHS) BRIAN: No Sasquatch in the house.

Grace, honey, come on. Time to go.

Come on. Oh, there she is. Boo!

Boo! LAUREN: Oh, wow!

ALAN: There she is. Look at that.

Grace, it's time to go. Where's Roze?

Where's Ro... Roze?

I am here, Mr. Alan. ALAN: Oh.

Uh, we were having fun.

No, no. Keep it. It suits you.

(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS)

Okay, well, that's enough fun for one day.

GRACE: Daddy, it's weird here.

ALAN: Yeah, couldn't agree more. Let's go, hon.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Big day, bubba. SARAH: Mm-hmm.

Are you going to hand this in today or do you want me to?

No, I'm heading there right now.

I want to get it in first, so Mrs. Lawrence reads it first.

You know what I mean? Good plan.

(SIGHS SHARPLY)

(BELL TOLLING)

(GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Uh, yes. Come in.

(GASPS) Oh, Mr. Young, come in.

BRIAN: How you doing?

Oh, yes, I'm... I'm very well, thank you.

Made your mind up yet? I'm only joking.

I'm only joking. (SYLVIA CHUCKLES)

Maybe this will help. SYLVIA: Oh.

Oh, what's that, then? What's this?

Oh, that's, um...

Sorry, it's... it's just such a moving piece.

Um... uh, Grace Williams is a--

Well, she's a hero. Apparently, last year,

she brought a woman out of a coma.

A... a coma? Wow. SYLVIA: Hmm.

Oh, God. That's... that's unbelievable.

It... it truly is.

Anyhoo, um, well, thank you for stopping by.

I look forward to reading about Dylan.

I don't mind sticking about a bit longer while you read it.

And that way, I'm here if you have any questions

or you want to know more about Dylan.

That won't be necessary, but thank you, yeah.

Have a good day. Okay.

D'you know, d'you know,

I've just remembered a couple of really important details

that I think you'll find really interesting.

Um, I should probably do a quick revision, so can I just--

I assure you, if I require any clarifications,

I will be in touch.

I really must attend a meeting right now, but I assure you,

once I'm back in this office, I will read the letter.

I promise you. Have a wonderful day, Mr. Young.

BRIAN: Thank you very much, Mrs. Lawrence.

Uh, I really look forward to hearing from you.

Do you know Dylan once gave me his kidney...

God sake.

Yeah, right, bloody photoshop.

ALAN: Hey! (GASPS)

Alan, good to see you. ALAN: Brought you an umbrella.

Looks like rain. Wonderful.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

It's just right up here around the bend. Oh, wonderful.

Sorry about the weather.

SYLVIA: Well, let's get out of this rain.

Quick as we can...

(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)

ALAN: It's really about the kids.

SYLVIA: I honestly don't know, is it? Yes.

Thank you. ALAN: After you.

SYLVIA: Thank you.

My friends are already in there, boss,

Of course. Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, my goodness.

Is that you, Mrs. Lawrence? Oh! Uh--

BRIAN: Wow! Mr. Young.

Bloody hell. What a coincidence.

Hello. Again.

Alan! Having a liquid lunch, I see.

Hmm.

Well, only, you know, a small one.

Oh, no, I wasn't implying that you're getting drunk.

I mean, you're allowed a drink or two at lunch time.

Not that you're having two, or...

I invited Sylvia here to dine with me this afternoon.

Lovely.

It doesn't seem like a conflict of interest at all, does it?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Alan donated 30 new laptops to our preschool.

Isn't that a lovely gesture? So sweet.

Thirty laptops.

Wowzers. Listen, can I... can I--

Thirty of 'em.

Lauren does give you a lot of pocket money, doesn't she?

You lucky thing. SYLVIA: But please, don't worry.

Donations won't affect my decision.

Yeah. SYLVIA: I promise you, Mr. Young.

Of course not. It's merely a contribution to the community.

See, Lauren and I believe that the children are our future.

Oh. Yeah, we... we teach them well

and we let them lead the way. That's so lovely.

That's Whitney. I don't... I don't think it is.

That's Whitney Houston. ALAN: No, it's not.

He's fully just... He's... he's just nicked what Whitney Houston says,

and used it in a conversation with you.

What? No, I just made that up.

Hundred percent didn't make that up.

Did I tell you how beautiful that color is on you?

What is that, lavender? (CHUCKLES)

ALAN: That is your color.

Anyway, uh... can we help you today?

No, thank you.

Well, I'm famished. How about you?

Yeah, uh, let's eat. Anyway, have a good one.

BRIAN: Thanks. SYLVIA: Nice to see you.

Amazing. Great to see you.

"I want a glass of vino."

"What, you want a glass?" "Oh, yeah!"

"You haven't bought 30 laptops, have you?"

"You don't deserve a glass of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, do you?"

"You haven't bought anything." "You don't buy your way

into things, do you?" (SHOUTS)

(SCREAMS IN ANGER)

JOE: So, the rich guy got the better of you.

So what? Let it go.

Find another school. No, I can't, Dad. I can't.

I've worked me tail off to get him into that school.

I ain't giving up. Nah.

Not before that father's presentation on Friday, I ain't.

Fifty laptops? That's thousands. It's not even his money, Dad.

That's the thing. He's... he's...

he's a parasite. I'm gonna smash the moustache off his face.

He's got a horrific-- He's got-- He shaved a-- Moustache, fine.

But what he's done is he's put this little bit here

and he's... he's groomed it.

He's looked himself in the mirror

and he's triangled himself. Who does that?

I'll find a way. I'll find a way to do something different.

I've just... I've just gotta be...

creative.

It's not about the money, it's about connecting with the kids.

That's the most sensible thing you've said this week.

Since when do you get dressed up to go to the pub?

Are you on a hot date or something, Dad?

None of your business.

Right.

PRESENTER ON TV: Appreciate your time.

Well played out there.

(DOOR CLOSING)

ANNOUNCER: And we'll be back for more Wednesday night...

(SIGHS)

...football after this break.

(SINGER) ♪ Everybody toots ♪ (CHILDREN CHEERING)

I did a toot. Do you want to do that too?

(MAKES FARTING SOUND) Hey! ANNOUNCER: If you've got

a child that likes The Wild and Crazies,

then why not go crazy and come to a live TV recording tomorrow?

Guaranteed to impress any kid!

Live at the Richmond Gate TV Studios tomorrow!

(CHILDREN SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)

(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Sorry, everyone, we're at capacity.

CROWD: What? I'm sorry,

I don't make the rules. (CROWD JEERING)

SCALPER: I'm sorry, kids,

we're here again next week. Try next week.

Mate, I really need to get into that show.

Is there anything you can do? I can pay you.

(LOUDLY) Sorry, sir, the audience is now full.

(WHISPERS) I can get you in.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) What?

(YELLS) I said there's no way you're getting

in there today, sir!

How many in your group? Uh, just one.

Just one? BRIAN: Yeah.

Aren't you here with a kid? No.

That's a bit creepy, mate.

Can you get me into the show or not?

Yeah, of course, 200 quid.

(YELLS) Two-hundred pound? (SHUSHES)

You want in or not?

BRIAN: Here.

(WHISPERS) Down there, down there, down there.

Thank you, mate.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) (MONKEY TRILLING, VOCALIZING)

My mum's a nun. My mum's a nun.

(VOCALIZING, EXCLAIMING)

(SINGS) ♪ Hey-oh, hey-oh, hey-oh! ♪ Hello.

(DOOR CLOSING) Who are you?

Uh, my name's Brian, and I'm a massive fan. Massive.

And so is my son. Where's your son?

He's at home.

No, don't worry. I'm not a weirdo.

(BEAR SCOFFS) I just-- I've come here to ask

if you'd... if you'd play at my son's preschool.

(WILD AND CRAZIES CHUCKLE)

I... I'd pay you, obviously. And it... it's for a good cause.

This, uh, son, is he... sick? (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh, no, he's not. But he's a good kid.

(GRUNTS)

Take a look around you, man, eh? Look at this. This is live TV.

This is the big-time. Do you know what I'm saying?

Small stuff...

we don't really do that no more.

It's taken us years to get here.

Yeah, I get it, I do, but, um...

just think of the publicity you'd receive.

The... the Wild and the Crazies...

It's Wild and Crazy. BRIAN: What did I say?

"Wild and Crazies." BRIAN: Oh, sorry. Wild and C--

What... what? We're the Wild and Crazies.

BRIAN: The Wild and Crazy. Wild and Crazies.

BRIAN: The Wild and Crazies... That's right.

He says he's a fan. (WILD AND CRAZIES LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) BRIAN: ...works well with the children...

Listen to me, right?

We got a stage, and it's crying out for us.

Here! Come on, gang. (GRUNTS) The stage is calling.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...

(WILD AND CRAZIES SHRIEKING, VOCALIZING)

(GRUNTS, IMITATES FARTING) Hey!

(GRUNTS) Whoo! (VOCALIZES) MONKEY: My mum's a nun. My mum's a nun. (VOCALIZES)

Hey, just hang on a second. Mate... mate, sorry... sorry.

Look, look, you have to do this, please.

I'm sure there are some sick kids at that school.

If there's not, I'll bring some. Just name your price.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) (THE WILD AND CRAZIES WHOOP, LAUGH, CHEER)

Ho-hey! Hey-ho! (IMITATES FARTING, LAUGHS)

Hold on, hold on, hold on Uh, one second.

Aren't small, intimate venues what your group is all about?

Not this. Not this, big live TV studios.

Do you see my point?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

LION: (WHISPERS) Where is he? (WHISPERS) I don't know. Just go.

Go, go, go. We're live! (LAUGHS)

Hey, kids, we're the Wild and Crazies.

And we're gonna sing a song about all the things... Yeah!

...your bodies can do! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah! (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Ah, ah! Hang on, hang on. (SNEEZES, FARTS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh, Monkey, are you okay? I did a toot.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (SINGS) ♪ Everybody toots... ♪

I mean... I mean-- Hold on. Isn't this selling out?

We are not sellouts. (BREATHES HEAVILY)

All right, don't push me then. Don't touch my costume!

Don't touch me, you freak. (ELEPHANT GROANS)

Hold on a minute!

(BURPS) Oh, hang on a minute. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Do you know when you do a burp, and suddenly you can taste it?

Mine tastes of bananas, 'cause that's my entire diet!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) LION: Monkey!

(SINGS) ♪ Everybody burps ♪ What? Sorry.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

LION: (SINGS) ♪ Everybody burps... ♪

Get off! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) I'm gonna kick...

Hey, guess what? Don't tell everyone,

but sometimes I get a bit of an itchy bottom,

and my finger really stinks of old bananas.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Monkey! (GROANS)

(CHUCKLES) And you? (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Mm! Ah! LION: (YELLS) Monkey!

What? Monkey! (GROANS)

Sorry. (SINGS) ♪ Wash your hands... ♪

D'you know you're now my least favorite Crazy,

do you know that? (GROANS, GRUNTS)

ELEPHANT: I don't care.

And I don't care about your stupid little kid either.

(GROANS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) (MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(GRUNTS) MONKEY: Oi!

(AUDIENCE BOOING, SCREAMING) MONKEY: Kids, don't worry, don't...

Oi, oi, oi! (ELEPHANT GROANS)

MONKEY: Hey! Give me that guitar! (CROWD CLAMORING OVER TV)

(GROANS) (SCREAMS)

Uh... (CHUCKLES) ...hello. Um... (GRUNTS) I'm gonna get you.

MONKEY: Violence doesn't solve anything.

As a pacifist myself, I've often found that

the best way to deal with something

is talking.

This is the excitement... (BRIAN GRUNTS)

...of live television. (AUDIENCE GASPING)

You never know what's gonna happen. (LAUGHS)

BRIAN: Monkey, you're gonna-- I would say that peace, love, and--

(AUDIENCE GASPING, SCREAMING) (GASPS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) (MONKEY GROANS OVER TV)

Don't watch it.

(LAUGHS) (CROWD CLAMORING OVER TV)

(SINGS) ♪ Everybody toots Toots, toots, toots... ♪

(STATIC OVER TV) (TV BEEPING)

(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) (GRACE GIGGLES)

(MUSIC FADES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(DOOR CLANGING)

(KEYS JINGLING)

Hello?

Excuse me, could I get another phone call, please?

My brother was supposed to be here hours ago.

Hello? Excuse me! (GROANS)

(EXHALES) I... I can see my own breath!

(EXHALES) (DOOR CLANGING)

Is Jeff here? POLICE CONSTABLE: Out you go.

CUSTODY SERGEANT: Sign that for me, please. Oh, you took your time.

Ah. What a fun way to say thank you.

Are you real?

I just spent the entire night in there.

I was absolutely terrified.

I cried loads. You're welcome.

I was just at a gong bath... (BRIAN SIGHS)

...with Guru Nova Avalon.

Wild. And Kate Winslet was there... CUSTODY SERGEANT: Thank you.

...but I couldn't tell, it was dark.

BRIAN: I swear to God... Thank you so much.

...if I don't make it to my presentation...

Hey, I saw you on the telly.

Is it only children's entertainers

that you punch these days? Oh. (LAUGHS) Jeff, shut your mouth, please.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CELLPHONE RINGS, VIBRATES)

Hi. BRIAN: Hiya, love.

Yeah, yeah, no, I'm with Jeff now.

He's just got here. Look, I know I messed up.

I... I... I know, I know, I'm so sorry.

I just-- I don't know what came over me.

I'm just-- Oh, sorry. DRUNK WOMAN: I can walk.

DRUNK WOMAN: I'm fine, I can walk myself! All right, darling?

Honestly, Brian, I just...

I don't really know what to say to you right now.

Yeah, I know.

I... I just wanted to do something bold.

Something that would excite Dylan,

and impress the school.

I'm an absolute idiot. I really am.

You are. SARAH: (OVER CELLPHONE) Well that's an understatement.

Dylan saw it all, by the way.

Great example you're setting there.

BRIAN: Okay, but please know how sorry I am.

I really am.

And I promise I'll make it up to you and Dylan.

I really will.

Right, I have to get to the presentation.

I'll call in and see you after, yeah?

Wish me luck. Love you.

I love you. Love you so much.

Can you just drive? That's so nice.

Can you just drive, please? JEFF: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

(GRUNTS) Take that. What's this?

JEFF: You can't go in dressed like that.

You look like you're selling magazines.

I'm not wearing your clothes. What do you mean, my clothes?

I'm not wearing-- You... you dress like Tintin.

Just hurry up and go.

You should be so lucky to dress like Tintin. (SIGHS) Come on, let's go!

Okay, don't wanna alarm you.

The car doesn't have a lot of charge. (SEATBELT CLICKING)

JEFF: Where are you going? Where are you going?

BRIAN: I'm gonna get the bus, Jeff. JEFF: Where are you go--

Don't get the bus, you'll get mugged! (CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(COMMITTEE MEMBERS MURMURING) Just... just give him a little more time.

No, seriously, three more minutes,

nothing else.

I promise you, his son is quite extraordinary.

You're going to--

Brian, you made it! Sorry, I got locked up.

(GROANS) I meant locked up into a meeting.

I'm so sorry. Sorry. (COMMITTEE MEMBERS MURMURING)

Gosh, it's a... interesting outfit.

Uh, Brian, could you take the podium, please?

Yeah. (BREATHES HEAVILY)

I'm very sorry, I haven't... I haven't prepared anything.

Um, I...

SYLVIA: That's all right. That's all right, Brian. Yeah.

SYLVIA: Just, um...

Brian, what do you think that Puggsley could do

for your son, Dylan?

Okay, uh... (BREATHES DEEPLY) Um...

The Puggsley Academy of Excellence

can give my son the opportunities that...

that I never had.

I was a football star at school.

My coach and my dad,

they... they were prepping me for the pros.

I barely went to class.

And me teachers passed me, but... (UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

...no one cared to push me because...

'cause I was a star. And then I broke my ankle.

I couldn't play anymore. There I was, 18, and...

(BREATHES DEEPLY) ...and quite washed up, I was.

So, I...

so, I left school,

and I started digging ditches on construction sites

for the next five years.

I didn't make it back to university

till my late 20s,

and... and I struggled through business school.

(SIGHS) I did... I did everything backwards.

And I... I just don't want Dylan to make the same mistake.

Don't get me wrong...

the world needs ditch diggers as much as it needs doctors,

but... I just want Dylan to have the choice...

to be a doctor or a ditch digger,

if... if that's what he wants.

And I believe that Puggsley can give my son

the freedom that... that I never had.

Thank you very much for listening to me.

I'm... I'm sorry I didn't have anything...

I didn't have anything prepared.

Uh, I... I did, but... don't matter.

That was... that was wonderful, Brian. BRIAN: Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you. BRIAN: Thank you. I'll just--

Thank you very much. Cheers. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(DOOR OPENING) (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS)

Brian, did you meet the Wild and Crazies?

Oh, that's right, of course you have.

But don't worry, I... I told them...

I told them you're going through a rough time.

All right? All's forgiven. All right?

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

Sha. Sha.

ELEPHANT: Sha! MONKEY: Sha-da-di-dah!

(SINGS) ♪ She's not just a pretty face ♪

♪ She'll build rockets To outer space ♪

♪ Einstein's got nothing On my Grace ♪

♪ No children's book She hasn't read ♪

♪ She almost never wets The bed ♪

♪ She is my everything My Grace ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh, say Grace ♪

♪ And when her daddy Has to leave town ♪

♪ You cross her And I'll cut you down ♪

♪ She is my little miracle My Grace ♪

♪Yes, she is ♪

(IMITATES MONKEY CHATTERING) (SINGS) ♪ My little miracle ♪

♪ My Grace ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪ God, he's... he's so good.

♪ Say Grace ♪

THE WILD AND CRAZIES: ♪ Whoo-ooh ♪ ♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

THE WILD AND CRAZIES: ♪ Say Grace ♪ ♪ Say Grace ♪

(MUSIC FADES)

(COMMITTEE MEMBERS CHEERING, APPLAUDING) (LAUGHS) That's great, Alan.

(CHUCKLES) That's extraordinary.

Hey, we'll see you at the restaurant opening.

Jeff? (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm gonna need those tickets.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Two quacking ducks, 22. (RESIDENTS QUACKING)

Hello, everyone. How are you all?

You okay? Brian, we've missed you.

And I have missed you lot... Hi!

Hi, Janice. Are you okay? JANICE: Hello.

I have come to take you all out for dinner.

How does that sound? (RESIDENTS CHEERING)

What about Sarah? BRIAN: Sarah knows.

Hi! Hiya, Janice. You okay?

Right. I've got prize tickets to a restaurant opening.

Yeah? (RESIDENTS CHEERING)

So, this way, everyone.

Come on, Janice, get your coat. Let's do this! Hi.

("SEX BOOST" BY SAM NEIDER PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ Do you want Another love drug? ♪

♪ Maybe you need another toy? ♪

Oh, you gotta try one of these, this is the best. Really?

They're all great, but I would try

that one right there. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Right, in you get. Come on, spread out.

Bar's over there, so help yourselves.

Don't be shy.

Just do Jägerbombs. Ask for a Jägerbomb.

Jägerbombs all round for everybody.

Alright, dancing, dancing, dancing.

You got a babysitter, Jan? Uh, pardon me for one second.

Hi. Oh, hi, Alano.

What... what... what... what is this?

These are your radio winners.

No, those are not my radio winners.

What are you talking about?

BRIAN: Well, they've all got a ticket, Alan, so... ALAN: What? (GRUNTS)

What are you doing? Huh? Are you try--

Sorry, Sebastian. Champagne's for toffs. (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

He smells like urine.

Yeah, he does. You smell that?

What are you doing? I can get rid of them.

I can get rid of them all right now. What... (GRUNTS)

BRIAN: I'll take them for fish and chips.

Just relinquish your spot.

(GLASSES SHATTERING) (SIGHS)

Oh, oh! Oh! (RESIDENT 1 GRUNTS)

You get 'em out of here if I step down. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES, GROANS) (RESIDENT 1 CHUCKLES, GROANS)

♪ I'm your little devil Sink my teeth in deep ♪

(PENSIVE MUSIC OVERLAPPING)

Never.

It's on, pal. It is on. Okay.

You hear me? I do.

It is so on. Okay.

It is so on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are gonna regret the day you met me.

I already do. ALAN: You're going down.

Judy...

where is everyone?

JUDY: They went out to eat with Brian, remember?

What? JUDY: Some restaurant opening.

He has prize tickets. He said you knew.

♪ I'm your little angel ♪

♪ Dance on blood That's from your heart ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing? Give me-- (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY, GROANS)

(ALAN GRUNTS) (CROWD GASPING)

SEBASTIAN: That's no way to treat a lady!

Oh, my God. Alan, uh, a towel?

I'm sorry. SYLVIA: Can... can I... can I get a towel?

Yes, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, let me... let me get... SYLVIA: Towel?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get off!

(ALAN GRUNTS) If you take another one of my drinks,

I'm gonna kick your ass! (CROWD GASPING)

SEBASTIAN: I fought in Korea, you know. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) You're so strong.

I'll see you Monday, Alan. No, Mrs. Lawrence, hold on.

SYLVIA: Excuse me. Excuse me.

(SEBASTIAN GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Come on!

Hey! Uh, get... get off me! I haven't finished with him yet!

RESIDENT 2: Go on, Sebastian...

(SNIFFLES)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(MUSIC FADES)

Are you gonna give me

the silent treatment or not then?

No.

No. I'm gonna do the opposite of that.

I'm gonna talk,

and for once, Brian, you're gonna listen to me.

You've been acting like an absolute lunatic.

I... (SCOFFS) ...I love how much you care about Dylan's future,

I admire your passion,

But this isn't even about him anymore, is it?

It's about you.

Like...

you've been in fights, you've been in jail,

you've kidnapped senior citizens.

I mean, who does that?

I was on board with applying to Puggsley.

I stand by that no matter what, right?

But we need to get back to making decisions together.

We are a brilliant team when we're on the same page.

Can we please get back on it?

Okay? Yeah.

SARAH: Right.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

LAUREN: Found you. Hey.

LAUREN: Hi.

It'll be all right.

We'll sort this.

There isn't a single problem we can't find a way to fix.

I know this night was huge for you,

and I know how hard you've worked.

But I also know this business,

and I know how many challenges there are,

and this is just a minor setback.

It's a glitch.

Steel sharpens steel, remember?

(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

What the... (MUSIC FADES)

Oh, you must be mad.

Eh, mate, oi! What's this? What's going on?

What's going on? What's all this?

We have to shut you down for the next few weeks

until we get the situation under control.

Few weeks? Mate, I can't afford a few days.

We've had no issues.

I have never seen an infestation of this degree

in my entire career.

This entire area is a health hazard.

It can't be that bad, surely?

Have you seen them? Seen what?

My hands are tied. I'm sorry.

I'll be sending you out some official paperwork

for you to fill out ASAP. And there's lots of it.

Best of luck to you. Brilliant. Wicked.

(YELLS) No!

What's happened? Alan has happened, Sarah.

SARAH: What? He's infested me.

Infested you with what? I don't know, I don't know,

but they've shut... they've shut me down for weeks.

What? Who does that? How'd you do that?

How'd you... how'd you start an infestation? (INSECT SKITTERING)

BRIAN: He's obviously a sociopath, isn't he?

Uh, babe, babe. (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

He knew! SARAH: Just...

He bloody knew that this'd mess me up.

I'd be more freaked out if I weren't so pissed off.

He's a very sick man. He needs help.

(EXHALES) Babe, just-- Will you just stay calm... BRIAN: What?

...and just-- Sorry. Just because--

Just... just on... on-- It's on you.

Just stay calm.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMS, ECHOES, FADES)

Brian, what... what are you doing?

Brian, you're scaring me. Look at your face!

We've gotta go to the hospital. What are you doing?

Hey, Brian, you taking the day off from work?

What... what are you doing?

Brian, what are you doing with that?

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (DISTORTED) Brian!

Well, uh, there's something very wrong with your face.

(GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

Yeah, I... I... I can't understand

what you're saying.

Maybe it's 'cause your face is so huge.

(GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

(STUTTERS) I don't know what you're saying.

(SCREAMS, GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

Brian, stop it.

Brian, don't you dare. Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing? SARAH: Brian, stop it! Don't...

Brian, what... what... what are you doing? Stop it! Brian?

What are you doing?

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(IN SLOW MOTION) No! No! No, no, no!

(HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYING) Oh my God!

(ALAN BREATHES HEAVILY) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

(GRUNTS)

(SLEDGEHAMMER THUDS) SARAH: Lauren!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATHES HEAVILY) (BREATHES HEAVILY)

(BOTH SCREAM, GRUNT)

(LAUGHS)

(GROANS) (PANTS, GRUNTS)

(BOTH PANT)

(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS, GROANS)

(BOTH PANT, GRUNT)

BRIAN: What are you doing?

I wouldn't want you to forget this.

Alan!

No! No! Oh, felt so good.

("LIBIAMO NE'LIETI CALICI" PLAYING) (BOTH GRUNT)

Hold on, hold on. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS)

I'm gonna body flip you off! (GRUNTS, GROANS) (BREATHES HEAVILY, GROANS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)

(BOTH GRUNT, GROAN)

Oh, no! (STRAINS) Brian! (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

(GRUNTS, SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Yeah, I got you!

Don't break it!

I'll break your arm. ALAN: I'll break it.

BRIAN: I'll break your arm, by God!

What is going on? Stop it! Stop it! Stop! Stop it, guys! Stop!

(MUSIC CONCLUDES) (BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)

What are you doing?

He came rolling in here like a troll... (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

wielding an actual weapon. And he destroyed our family...

Babe, he destroyed our family history

with a sledgehammer.

Uh, I don't care about the statue. There's nothing this guy...

I hate that statue. It's not even real.

What? I made the whole thing up to impress you, Alan

I got it from a garden center in Chiswick.

There used to be a beautiful big oak tree

in that spot there,

filled with birds, and bees, and insects.

Sorry to mention it, Brian.

But my great-great-grandfather cut it down

during an argument about where his land ended.

And so I can see the cycle is continuing.

Carry on then. Beat each other up.

Knock it all down! (SCREAMS)

(SIGHS DEEPLY) Fix it.

Yeah. Fix yourselves. Brian, this is embarrassing.

You've lost it. I am this close. Yeah?

I need a drink. Yeah, so do I.

Do you want to go for a drink? Yes, I do.

Sort it out!

(GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY) (BREATHES HEAVILY)

Get off.

I just think you need a doctor. Yeah, I-- Yeah.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING)

Spiders, really? Hmm. Yeah.

Uh, you... you destroyed my restaurant.

It's an early-bird special diner now.

So, yeah, spiders.

Well, I'm very sorry about your restaurant.

I'm sorry about your face.

Thank you. Yeah.

Does it hurt? BRIAN: Yeah.

It looks really stupid.

I'm very aware of that.

Your cardigan looks stupid.

Seems like, uh, Lauren and Sarah really hit it off.

Mm. Right? (EXHALES DEEPLY)

I bet they're having a good laugh

at our expense right now. Oh, I don't think they're laughing.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) LAUREN: Mm!

Mm!

Oh, uh... (EXHALES) Oh wowzers. Oh, no.

I just need Alan to realize that he's enough.

He's more than enough.

I mean, Brian's had his own business

since he was 21.

I have no idea what he's trying to prove.

LAUREN: Idiots! It's ridiculous.

God.

D'you know...

I realize I got way too obsessed.

Not just about a preschool spot,

even though that is very important...

but also...

I just want Dylan to have everything that you have.

And I... I feel like such a fraud

trying to get him into a school that's so different

to anything that I had growing up.

You've earned everything you got.

You went out there,

and you built something for yourself, that's...

(BREATHES DEEPLY) It's impressive.

Me, I'm just... I'm just good at seeming impressive.

BRIAN: Mm! (GRUNTS)

When I met Alan, we fell in love so quickly,

and we tried for babies for a long time.

And IVF.

And then we were told, "No, not possible."

And I was 39 and terrified.

So, we stopped trying, and moved on with our lives.

SARAH: Hmm. And then, out of the blue...

Grace, our little miracle arrived.

ALAN: Grace has got to be better than me.

She's gonna carve her own path.

She's not gonna depend on the good fortune

of others to find her way, no.

No. (EXHALES DEEPLY)

Well, it looks like we just want the same thing. Yeah.

What's best for our children.

It's not an easy thing to figure out though, is it?

(LAUGHS) No. Nope, not at all. Yeah.

LAUREN: This whole preschool thing,

it's given me quite a bit of anxiety.

Yeah.

It's the beginning of them getting older, isn't it?

(BREATHES DEEPLY) Yeah.

I never thought I'd be the type of mother

to get weepy about this kind of thing.

But I... I like my Gracie being at home with me

all the time. Uh, she's my best friend.

Isn't that pathetic?

It's not pathetic at all. They're our babies.

But let's just remember, it's just preschool.

Hmm. They're still gonna need us for everything else. (CHUCKLES)

And hey, why don't you take those five extra hours a day,

and do something that you love? (SCOFFS)

I don't know what that is anymore. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, me neither. (CHUCKLES)

But... we could figure it out together.

You know, Dylan has just as good a shot as Grace

at getting into that school. Money is not everything.

Oh, I know. I know that.

The more I've gotten to know you,

the more I know that to be true. (LAUGHS, GROANS)

Yeah, well, I'm sure Grace enjoys her big house.

Ah, I just never felt comfortable there, you know?

It just doesn't feel like home.

It's... Smelly.

It's what? What were you gonna say about the house?

What were you gonna say about...?

I said "smelly." But what were you gonna say?

What do you mean, "smelly"? 'Cause your house is a bit smelly.

Smelly drapes. Hmm?

I said you've got smelly drapes.

You smelled my drapes? BRIAN: Yeah.

Why... why... why would you... why would you do that?

I just smell things.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) (AMBULANCE SIRENS WAILING)

(PANTS) Please. No... no, honestly.

(PANTS)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(CAR DOOR OPENING)

Oh, Alan, you look terrible.

And... and... and... you look very fancy, Roze.

ROZE: Um, uh...

(SCOFFS)

What?

(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(ALAN SNIFFLES)

ALAN: Come on, love. There we go.

Good girl.

Hiya. LAUREN: Hi!

Moment of truth.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) No hard feelings either way.

Gracie, Dylan, this way. We're going to that school.

SARAH: Come on. ALAN: Come on.

Here we go. What do you think of that place, Dylan?

(MUMBLES) It's all right.

(MUSIC FADES) (DOOR OPENING)

(EXHALES)

Right, uh...

Mrs. Lawrence, what is it?

Is something wrong? You okay?

Oh, I... I'm very sorry for keeping you waiting.

(CHUCKLES) And, um...

Well, I... I... I'm even sorrier for what I'm about to tell you.

There's no longer an open slot.

It's been filled.

I... I'm so sorry for disappointing all of you.

Uh, it's... it's nothing to do with your children.

No, un... unfortunately...

nepotism has reared its ugly head,

and the owner is sending her niece

who's just moved down here with her family from Cambridge.

I'm so sorry. (BRIAN EXHALES)

(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES)

(GROUP LAUGHS)

(GROANS, COUGHS) (GROANS)

Wow. Mm! (CHUCKLES) Um...

Who's the owner? My mother-in-law.

Yeah. Right, okay.

Shall we? Thanks then. (LAUREN LAUGHS)

ALAN: It's been fun, Sylvia. Thank you. (DOOR OPENING)

(EXHALES) Okay, Grace, time to go. ALAN: All right, Gracie.

Uh, excuse me. Um, Excuse me. Where are our children?

I don't understand. They were just here.

Nope, not anymore. I had to take a call.

Uh, so sorry. Uh, they can't be far.

Uh, excuse me, mate.

Did you see a girl and a boy leave here?

Yeah, they left a few minutes ago.

You didn't find that strange? JANITOR: Look around.

Everything about this place is strange.

Okay, uh, where did they go?

Uh, I think they found their way to Julie.

Well, who's Julie? Hopscotch.

Oh. Oh, that's the, uh...

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (KIDS CHATTERING)

(ALAN GROANS, GRUNTS) BRIAN: Oh! Watch your head, mate.

JULIE: There you go. Good work.

Excuse me. Oh, great. There you are.

Uh, we have a couple of very cute kids

who I think might belong to you guys? (CHUCKLES)

Yes! Yes!

They're just through there. Oh, thank God.

Thank you. Thanks.

They've only been here for a moment,

but they have jumped right in.

(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Look at that.

I'm Julie. Oh, sorry. I'm Julie.

I was gonna go next door to find you,

but you saved me the track. Well, we thank you

for... for looking after the kids, Julie. Yeah.

Oh, no worries. How did you know we were next door?

Oh, you would be surprised how often this happens

during Puggsley's registration season. (CHUCKLES)

Really? Really?

Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong,

I think they're running a very impressive institution

over there.

But, you know, not right for every child.

Hmm. Hmm.

If you'll excuse me,

I'd better go prep a few activities.

But feel free to walk around.

Thank you. Thank you.

DYLAN: "Get up. It's time to do your puzzle."

"Come on, math equations are fun."

"We want you to be strong and smart

so you could be the best!"

"What about playing hide and seek?"

"No hide and seek. Hide and seek is for dumb kids."

GRACE: "But I want to ride my bike."

DYLAN: "After you learn how to be an astronaut."

"Don't you want to be the best?"

"You've got to put in the work if you're going to be the best."

GRACE: "Okay, Dad, you're right."

"I want to be the best." DYLAN: "That's my girl!"

Oh, you found us!

Hey, that was great! That was great, honey.

What a performance! (CHUCKLES) Hello, kid. That was brilliant.

(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING) BRIAN: Come on, lad.

It was, uh-- It was-- It was wonderful, darling.

JULIE: So, what'd you think of the place?

I mean, it... it does look like a lot of fun.

JULIE: Yeah. We want them to love to learn.

Just like us, they're pushed too hard,

we get burnt out and bitter and we quit. (CHUCKLES)

We don't want that. Agreed.

To burn out by the age of six would be very tragic.

Hmm. Yeah.

BRIAN: What do we need to do to get our kids into the school?

JULIE: Oh, you just sign up.

You just sign up? That's it?

Yeah. And then I put together a monthly schedule

so you know what your kids are up to.

Uh... can we leave them here?

Well, we can sign you all up, and then...

come and pick them up at 04:00?

Okay. Thank you, Julie. Okay.

(CHUCKLES) Wow. (SCOFFS)

LAUREN: I want to play here.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

By the power vested in me by... the Internet...

(BOTH LAUGH) (GUESTS LAUGHING)

...I now pronounce you husband and wife!

Kiss me, you hairy beast!

(GUESTS CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(BOTH LAUGH) ("CAN WE FORGET" BY ALEXSUCKS PLAYING)

I can't believe we're family!

(IN DISTORTED VOICE) We're family!

Well, no, love, definitely not family at all, is he?

No matter what.

♪ Did you forget? ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Wasting my time again ♪

♪ Say, we could fall in love ♪

♪ Run away and start anew ♪

♪ I wish I knew what's best ♪

♪ Why are we so dumb? ♪

♪ Now I hate you, oh And you hate me ♪

♪ Oh, ah, ah ♪

♪ Can we just forget? ♪

♪ Oh, ah, ah ♪

♪ I need you again ♪

♪ Oh, ah, ah ♪

♪ Can we just forget ♪

♪ Oh, ah, ah ♪

♪ I need you again ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo, do-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Cause I've seen you out With someone I used to know ♪

♪ Wasted drunk leaving Now I'm going home ♪

♪ Now my brain Is playing with me ♪

(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING) ♪ I need to go ♪

♪ Cause it's hard to leave you When I see you again ♪

(MUSIC STOPS) (BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh, hello. Guess what?

This morning, I've been a very big boy,

or a very big monkey,

and I put on my nappy all by myself!

Do you want to do that too? I bet you do.

'Cause sometimes...

your grown-ups might be a bit too busy to help you.

So, you can impress them by putting it through one leg,

and then the other, and then pulling it up really...

slowly, so it's nice and tight.

Flap it over like that. Flap it over like that.

And then breathe in. (INHALES SHARPLY)

(WHEEZING) And then make sure that

nothing can escape from the other side.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Otherwise, you'll have

a very wet pair of legs.

But I haven't!

I've got two lovely great big legs

that are nice and dry, and so have you!

So, look, we're dressed. Isn't that brilliant?

("EVERYBODY TOOTS" PLAYING) ♪ Everybody toots ♪

♪ Toot, toot! ♪

♪ Everybody toots ♪ ♪ Toot, toot! ♪

♪ Even mom and dad And the animals at the zoo ♪

♪ Everybody toots ♪

♪ Everybody burps ♪ ♪ Burp, burp! ♪

♪ Everybody burps ♪ ♪ Burp, burp! ♪

♪ We all need to feel relieved When our tummy hurts ♪

♪ Everybody burps ♪

♪ Wash your hands ♪ ♪ Scrub, scrub! ♪

♪ Wash your hands ♪ ♪ Scrub, scrub! ♪

♪ Wipe front to back ♪

♪ Now back to front Front to back ♪

♪ Wash your hands ♪

♪ Blow your nose ♪ ♪ Blow, blow! ♪

♪ It's like a garden hose ♪ ♪ Garden hose! ♪

♪ Ask for a tissue To fix the issue ♪

♪ Don't be gross ♪

♪ Blow your nose ♪

♪ Everybody toots ♪ ♪ Toot, toot! ♪

♪ Everybody toots ♪ ♪ Toot, toot! ♪

♪ Even mom and dad And the animals at the zoo ♪

♪ Everybody toots ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (CHOIR VOCALIZING)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)