Original subtitles

Next up on C -SPAN, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is about to take questions

from the press about the current military operation in Iran.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

The Secretary of War has been preparing all afternoon, and it looks like he's

about ready. So please welcome Secretary Hegseth.

Cut the track.

Cut it.

All right, I finished my egg stand.

And relax, it was Sprite.

All right, listen up, dipsticks, okay?

Because this is actually serious, okay?

As you may have seen from our epic pentagram meme drops, we're treating

like the breathalyzer in my car and blowing it the hell up.

The good news is our operation couldn't be going better, and everyone loves it.

To quote my personal hero, Papa Roach, cut Iran in two pieces.

Make it a Trump resort.

Now, this situation's complicated, okay? So let me put it in terms that I can

understand.

We're giving Iran a third -degree purple nurple.

All right?

And we torpedoed their ship so bad, their Navy's going to be singing, Yeah,

that's right. We could do Jamaican again. You're welcome.

Now, a lot of the press have looks on their faces like, So now I'm going to be

taking your questions and throwing them directly into a trash can.

You, Hanson brother, go.

Secretary Hague said, you said this war could... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait. War?

Okay, whoever called this a war, except maybe the president a couple times

accidentally, okay?

This is a war. Also, why do we have to put labels on everything, okay?

What are you, my high school girlfriend, which I had?

This isn't a war, okay? It's a situationship.

Right? We're just going to hook up. We're going to see where it goes, okay?

it feels good, we'll keep going. And if we get bored, we'll start hooking up

with Cuba.

Okay? Does anyone have a not stupid question?

Yeah, can you just tell us if there are going to be boots on the ground?

Uh, yeah, your mom's next to my bed after I bang her.

I just think the American people are worried this could turn into a total

quagmire. Uh, yeah, good. Quagmire's hilarious.

I mean, he's no suey, but who is?

Giggity.

What is happening?

Okay, I'll tell you what's happening, okay? We don't know, okay? And that's

whole point. If we don't know what we're doing, then Iran definitely doesn't

know what we're doing.

We're wild, okay? We're unpredictable.

We're like Shia LaBeouf and Nolan.

Okay, shout -out Transformers. Shout -out Megan Fox back on Insta.

All right, next question. Gaylord says what?

What?

Brutal.

Okay, next.

Yeah, this week the president was asked if Americans should be worried about

Iranian attacks here at home, and the president said, I guess.

Should people be afraid?

Oh, probably.

I mean, probably you are.

Look, you guys don't understand what we're doing here, okay? Y 'all playing

chess. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto, okay?

All right, next question. Girl.

First of all, I have a name.

Oh, really? Is it Jessica No Wonder I'm Single?

Yes.

Last week, you said that the U .S. defense agenda was, quote, maxed out.

lethality, not tepid legality, violent effect, not politically correct.

What did you mean by that, and why did it rhyme?

Uh, because I'm White Hamilton?

I'm just like my country. I'm drunk, angry, and horny, and they made me throw

away my scotch.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a poster.

All right.

Now, this is all fun news today.

Okay? After a year, singular, of hard work, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been

reassigned under the bus.

So let's bring her out to give her a proper goodbye.

Kristi Noem.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Secretary Hegseth. I just want to make

that I didn't get fired. I self -deported.

And though I may be leaving this job, I will not be ending my mission. As I told

my plastic surgeon, the work is never done.

But I gave my all to the DHS, and I have no regrets.

Because like they say, you miss 100 % of the dogs you don't shoot.

of what we've accomplished. I took this job with the goal of securing our

border, deporting thousands of illegals, and spending $200 million on ads of me

riding a horse.

And I think I really nailed it. And by it, I mean my married coworker in a big,

beautiful, flying bedroom 30 ,000 feet over Minneapolis.

And while I look forward to what comes next, leaving is bittersweet.

But the time has come for me to turn in my badge, gun, lip, lashes, teeth, and

forehead. But I'm so excited about my new job as Special Envoy to the Shield

the Americas.

Something about President Trump. He created it for me. I just saw my new

which is at a WeWork space outside of Denver, and it is spectacular.

So this may be goodbye.

But this isn't goodbye forever.

Yeah, except that it is. Oh, okay. And live from New York, it's Saturday night!