All language subtitles for Every Home Should Have One 1970-subrip

"Like a mighty army"...

..."Moved the Church of God."

"Brothers, we are treading"...

"...Where the saints have trod."

"We are not divided"...

..."All one body we."

"One in hope and doctrine"...

..."One in charity."

"Onward Christian Soldiers"...

..."Marching as to war."

"With the cross of Jesus"...

..."Going on before."

One basket...

...had very good figs.

But the other basket...

...had very naughty figs.

Then, said the Lord unto me...

..."What seest thou, Jeremiah?"

And I said: "Figs."

My friends...

...for my sermon today, I have
chosen the subject of sex.

The other day, a friend
said to me...

..."Geoff, old chum"...

..."Is there too much
sex around these days?"

"Especially on the television?"

Well, my answer...

...is "Yes."

Oh, I would be the first to
agree that sex...

...in its proper context is a beautiful
and ennobling thing.

But, in its proper context.

And that does not mean...

...when it is thrust at us for
commercial gain.

Thrust at us, in
ever-increasing quantities...

...by the muck-mongers of
the mass media.

The time has come for us...

...to call a halt to this
moral erosion.

To join a crusade for better,
cleaner television.

That crusade...

...is the England Clean,
England Strong Society.

Hmmph.

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one,
Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one.
Cool as mountain dew."

"Smooth and swift and super-emollient.
Instant, special new!"

"Plastic free gifts have to be given"...

..."Free!"

"Satisfaction certificated"...

..."Polyvinyl chromium-plated."

"Every home should have one"...

..."In a monster size."

"Sun-ripe, sunkissed, sun-blessed
and bottled"...

..."Super grand surprise."

"Brown and bronzed and bleached
with a guarantee."

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one."

"Fresher, cleaner, lighter,
bigger, better, brighter"...

"Sparkling white, and whiter"...

..."Full of every vitamin"...

..."That you will ever hope to see."

"Every home should have one,
Just like mother made"...

..."Silky, sexy, super-deodorous,
Tested by the trade."

"Go to work on this and
you'll walk on air."

"Spread so smooth and easy to
wear and wash"...

..."It's something that you
can share in."

"Every home should have one,
Gives a well-sprung rest."

"High-grade, high-speed, high-definition,
Bigger, better, best!"

"Unrepeatable offer of country fare!"

"Every home should have one."

"Every home should have one."

"Fresher, cleaner, lighter,
bigger, better, brighter"...

..."Sparkling white, and whiter!
"Full of every vitamin"...

..."That you will ever hope to see!"

Ooh!

Oh...!

Oh!

I'm Whizzy, the Alka Vita Kid!

Feeling unwell? Stomach upsets
getting you down?

You tell, em, kid.

"I clean your liver through and through."

"That's the job I do for you."

"See it sparkle, see it fizz!"

"Alka Vita is a whizz."

"For sparkling teeth and
tingly gums"...

..."Use Chlorodent!"

"And remember, Chlorodent gives
you that HALO OF HYGIENE!"

You said you were going to
finish that Saturday night.

Had to watch TV.

"Had to"? A man came in and
forced you at the point of a gun?

You and Dad were out,
so Hildegarde said---

Hildegard's altogether too
easy-going with you.

Dad seeing them again?

That'll be the Jolly Dandruff Giant.

I don't like the Jolly Dandruff Giant.
He's a silly old ponce.

What did you say?

Morning, Rich.

Morning, Dad.

Just tell your father what
you just said.

I said I think the Jolly Dandruff
Giant is a silly old ponce.

- That's interesting, isn't it?
- Mmm.

We've got a very good
identification with the, er...

- ...fourteen to fifteen age group---
- No, the word he used.

- Do you approve?
- Hmm? Um...

...no! Certainly not.

Richard - never let me hear you
use that word again.

Policemen say it.

You've never heard
a policeman say that!

I did, on a TV play on
Saturday night.

Then when the girl came in,
they sai---

No one wants to hear.
Get on with your cornflakes.

I'll have a chat with Hildegarde.

Hildegarde.

Hildegarde!

HILDEGARDE!

My baby?!

Richard? I don't believe it!

From the fathers I expect
this sort of thing.

But from the sons,
it's too much.

Goodbye, Mrs Brown!

You're late.

Because it's McLaughlin's
Frozen Porridge, dear.

Is that why it's so
smooth and creamy?

Yes, dear.

McLaughlin's is made from the
pick of the oats.

Come on - eat up!

He LOVES his frozen
McLaughlin's, bless him.

Take a tip from wee Angus.

McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge
builds bonnie bairns!

"Yes, bonnie boys and bonnie girls"...

..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."

You want a considered opinion?

YUCH!

"Y-U-C-H"?

Precisely.

And underlined!

What went wrong, Nat?

Oh, it's, uh... er, excuse me.

Frank, a merchandising error---

Teddy - what did I do wrong?

You forgot to research the
socio-economic profile.

- Socio-economic?
- --their board, and their head office.

You see...

...er, Teddy forgot to research the
socio-economic profile.

Teddy?

My graphics man -
wonderful young fellow...

- ...oh, he is so---
- Pure Victorian sentimentality.

But Frank, the "love equals
frozen porridge" angle!

We won the prize for
that one, Frank.

The brand-identification factor is
up to seventy-three.

I'll go along with that, Frank.

- Hang on!
- Nat...

...you have fallen down,
on a big one.

McLaughlin's not just one account.

He's a commercial empire.

Um... ooh.

Well, I keep telling that
to Teddy.

He can tell you. Teddy, will you
tell 'em, please?

Motivational research
gave us a...

...survey in depth, Frank.

Mother love is IN.

I go along with that thinking,
too, Frank.

He goes along with that thinking,
too, Frank.

A McLaughlin campaign has
to be important.

Impact, Charles.

- Now, you... play with that sales report.
- Teddy, for Pete's sake...

...say something. I am pleading with
you to say something.

- Morning, Jenny.
- Morning, Mr Brown.

Inject a dignity factor.

- Yes, we can give it more dignity.
- Mmm.

Erm, uh, giveaway campaign.

Free plastic, uh... what are those funny
things Scotties are always wearing?

Oh, they're what we call "sporrans".

Aye, free plastic sporrans!

We lose McLaughlin, we lose
more than agency revenue.

Don't you know his latest factory
was opened by royalty?

- "Royalty equals mother love."
- Terribly sorry.

There's a chance...

...the McLaughlin conglomerate...
McLoughlin foundation.

Sporrans?

What's your view?

- I---
- I agree entirely.

- It stinks.
- Uh...?

The campaign as at present
conceptualised... stinks.

And he, he is the only
one with the...

...with the insight...

...the, the insight, and
the guts, to...

...to--- Hmm.
Who is he?

Well, he's one of my boys.
He's on my team, Frank.

His name is Teddy Brown.

He's a product of the old
Nat Kaplan Nursery...

...and I am grooming him
personally, Frank.

- Nat, you're hurting me.
- Oh.

Then, Brown...

...an honest appraisal of
the campaign.

Give it to me straight. Where do
you think we went wrong?

Tell him. Tell him where we
went wrong, huh?

Well, um...

...fundamentally...

- ...we were---
- Yes, yes?

The mistake we made
was, you see...

- ...er, selling porridge---
- A-ha! Ah? Ha, ha, right!

Right? Oh, he hit the nail right
on the head! Oh, gee...

...this good old genius, old Teddy, bay-bee!
I know what's on your mind!

- You do?
- Oh, ho! The classical error...

...we disobeyed Principle
Number One.

You don't sell the steak;
you sell the sizzle.

Now it's getting exciting.
How it's beginning to feel good!

That one creative leap.

All right, Brown.

Set up your team.

You don't take the ball from
the man on top of it.

The new McLaughlin campaign...

...from now on: it's your baby.

- It's not funny, it's disgusting.
- It's just a hobby.

Collecting girls' knickers?

All the chaps in our form are.

You see nothing wrong in
collecting strange knickers...

...and pressing them in your
stamp album?

- Well, it was on television.
- What was?

The play about this old man.

- He went round clothes lines, stealing knickers.
- I don't want to hear!

Goodness knows what your father will think.

- Ready?
- No. I came up with the...

- ...art department---
- Stop being a child!

I'm not being a child.
Look, I've never...

...handled a whole campaign
on my own before, that's all.

That's ridiculous. Believe me.
Trust me.

- Nat, I---
- That really hurts a man.

- Are you ready to order, gentlemen?
- Look, I'll handle this, Teddy.

I'll, er, I'll have my usual, Mario.

My name is Arthur, sir. I don't
know what your usual is.

Oh. Well, then...

...I'll have a little caviare,
I think, and, uh...

...and we'll follow that with
some oysters, I think.

Some oysters? Yes, sir.
Half a dozen? A dozen?

Er, nine.

Nine?

A dozen is so pushy.

Nine.

- Each?
- No, no. No, erm, uh...

...I'll just have a... small
macaroni cheese, I think.

- Macaroni?
- Ta. Grazi.

I come here a lot. The grooviest
people in the whole world...

...showbusiness, writers, photographers...

...it's not easy to become a
member, let me tell you.

Hello, baby!

Oh, hi.

Saw the show. Loved it.

Loved it!

- Know her?
- Know her?

- Ah, come here, come here.
- What? What? What?

What did he mean, "Loved the show"?

What show?

Like a rattlesnake.

- Shew!
- But, Teddy, Teddy, believe me...

...one of the nicest, most genuine
people in showbusiness.

- Nat, about this McLaughlin's campaign---
- Hi, Susie!

Oh... hi! Excuse me, darling,
it's work.

Nat, darling, you're very,
very naughty.

You never called me back about
that dog-food commercial.

Ah, I'm sorry, honey, but you
know how it is.

Nepotism in the office.
They decided to use a dog.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Keep in touch, huh?

- Okay. Bye.
- Mmm-hmm.

A moth to my flame, poor thing.

Ha! Power!

Nat...

...d'you really---

Aren't you married?
I mean, don't you feel guilty?

Yes.

But, y'see... I have this wonderful
understanding with my wife.

She doesn't know.

- Nat, look, about this porridge---
- She's still in the States, see.

I'm fixing up a house so
she can come over.

But you know how long these
things can take.

- If you play your cards right.
- Yeah.

Er, Nat, about the porridge.

Ah... sex is a strange and
wonderful thing.

Yeah... so's porridge.

Look, Nat---

Wait a minute.

- Did you say "porridge"?
- What?

- Sex and porridge.
- What?!

- Sex and Porridge!
- What are you talking about, Nat?

Imagine...

...selling porridge...
with a sex image!

Oh, Teddy, this is new.

And this is our first plus -
and it's good.

Oh, is it good!

And all the time I thought you
were a little weirdo!

Hey, Nat, do you really
think it'll work?

Work? Listen, kid...

...this campaign has to be ready
in two weeks, yeah?

All right. You've got just
fourteen days, hear me?

Fourteen days to do nothing...

...think nothing, but sex, yeah?

Sex.

Sex.

Sex.

Sex.

Sir?

Make mine oysters.

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

"Ah-ah."

"Think dirty."

"Dirty."

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

- I'm home, Liz.
- LOOK!

Hey, great, but I've got some work
to do first---

- They're Hidegarde's!
- What...?

She left this morning.

- We, we can post them on to her...?
- She left...

...because your son, Richard,
took these from her.

- While she was wearing them?
- No!

He was keeping them in
his stamp album!

Where?

Between Morocco and Mozambique.

Richard. Um...

...Mummy said that, er... you
got the idea from, er...

...watching TV.

Yeah. It was a play called, er...
"The Fetish".

Er, do, do you know what
a fetish is, Richard?

Greville says it's a kind of hobby.

He--- y-yes, yes, yes, I
suppose it's a...

...kind of hobby.
I mean, look, you see...

...collecting knickers is an
unhealthy hobby, because...

...it's involved with sex.

You know what sex is,
don't you, Richard?

Oh, sure. What's "involved" mean?

Well, Richard, you see...

...y'see, a woman's body...

...sh-should be respected.

We respect Clarke's sister's body.

All the chaps in the Club do.

She can touch her ears
with her toes.

She's double-jointed.

Y-yes, yes, yes...

...but, now, you see, that's
not the kind of...

...respect I had in mind.

No. Er, still, I don't want to
confuse you.

That's enough for today, but, um...

...if there's anything you're
still not clear on...

...I mean, please feel free to, uh---

- I don't think so.
- Good.

Oh, yes.

What?

What is a ponce?

Ah.

Ahh.

I...

...I think I can hear your mother
calling, Richard, I---

- She probably wants to get you at it.
- She what...?

There's a whole crowd coming tonight.

'Ere, you tryin' to slag
my bloody bird?

Get bloody knotted!

But this is madness. I mean, all these
people - I mean...

...talk about fetching a
sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Yes, well, I've been proved right.

We've seen it in our own home,
with our own child.

Well, I, I, I talked to Richard.

I talked to him. There's nothing
wrong in what he did.

I did far worse things at his age.

I was filthy!

He's still being corrupted.

It is our duty to help prevent that
corruption from proliferating.

Look, Liz, I've got work to do.

Do you realise I've been
put in sole charge of---

Ooh!

C'mon, then, darlin'.

- Oh, stop it, Ern.
- Why?

- Well, not 'ere.
- Why not?

- Well, people might see.
- People?

the people!

I'd just like to get that boy
into my Scout troop.

Most of the gang have a bang Saturday.

I mean, what else is there
to bloody do?

It's not for stirring your tea with!

Let's face it - we're all the same.

We're all randy bastards.

Did you get that one, Maud?

- Yes, which column?
- "Bastard", dear.

That's fifteen "bloodys" and
five "bastards".

I only counted four.

There were five - don't you remember,
at the beginning?

That was "bedstead".

Oh. Thank you, Daddy.

I wondered what
a "brass bastard" was.

Well, I suppose that's some
kind of symbolism.

"Think dirty, ah-ah"...

I think he loves me.

Well, he fancies me, anyway.

Still, I suppose we
will get married one day.

Only we can't at the moment.

We're saving up for the abortion.

Stuff marriage for a lark.

Everyone goes on about
love, the vicar and Dad, an' that.

I don't know anythin' about love.

But I know what I like.

He likes McLaughlin's porridge!

Remember, McLaughlin's porridge...

...and you, too, can be
a randy bastard.

Statistics show nine out
of ten randy bastards prefer McLaughlin's.

I think that speaks for itself.

Very nasty.

- The director's sight must---
- Disgusting.

And I only hope the Queen wasn't watching.

Oh, I shouldn't think so, darling.
There's showjumping on the other channel.

I didn't think it was very... healthy.

- Did you, Teddy?
- No, no.

Never is.
Not on a rubbish dump.

- I mean, it's cold enough to freeze---
- Erm, there's plenty of tea for anyone...

- ...who fancies it.
- Thank you, Liz.

Now, Mr Brown, I don't think you've
really met everybody.

- Er, Arthur and Hetty.
- Hullo, Arthur...

- ...Hetty.
- Leonard, his daughter, Maud.

Hello, Leonard and his daughter Maud.

Er, Colonel Belper.

- Our, er, militant.
- How d'you do.

- Hello, militant.
- And, er...

...I hope you'll call me Geoff...

...old chum.

Hello, Geoff... old chum.

Look, I think we've got to move
immediately on this one.

Degrading and un-English. Right?

- Rather.
- Ah, super.

Erm, I think that's the feeling of the meeting.
And I think we should also...

...bear down on the
sex-before-marriage emphasis.

Agreed, Liz?

Oh, well, yes, I don't think that
should be... encouraged.

Right. Then, "Degrading and un-English
sex before marriage" it is.

- Will you call Trufitt?
- Mmm-hmm.

- May I?
- Oh.

Be my guest.

- Who are you calling, the Vatican?
- Our MP.

Good chap. Right behind us.

Our vice-president.
Maud...

- ...the usual letter to the BBC Board of Governors.
- Certainly, Colonel.

And the Archbishop; and The Times.

That's your department, Arthur and Hetty.

You see? It's a question
of organisation.

Making the voice of decency
and normality heard.

Mellish here.

England Clean, England Strong.

Yes. Now, look, it's about that effort
on the television tonight.

Yes, the moral fibre of our island race...
yes, yes, I know the form, yes.

Oh, don't worry. I shall come down heavily
on pre-marital intercourse.

Oh, goodnight.

Now...

...where were we, Elvira?

My name's Janine, Mr Trufitt, sir.

Well, don't let split hairs.

He fancies you, you know?

- Who?
- Geoff.

That long, thin streak of holy water.

Oh, Teddy, he's a priest.

So was Rasputin.

Just because he's masculine and...

...the athletic type, and those nice,
white teeth.

What did you say?

Never mind. I'll, er...
tick it off on Maud's list.

Tick 'em both off, they come in pairs.

You didn't like any of them,
did you?

Well, they're not exactly the
"fun people". I mean...

- ...if you really want to know what I think, Liz---
- It doesn't matter what we think of them...

...personally. It's what they're trying to
do that's important.

Important?

Are those the... sacred writings?

It's the Society's petition. I've promised
to get fifty signatures for it.

"We, the undersigned, are increasingly disturbed
by the amount of programmes on television"...

..."whose tendencies are
licentious, salacious"...

..."blasphemous, lascivious and purient."

Prurient.

So it is.

"Prurient". What's it mean?

I dunno. You're the one that's
collecting fifty signatures against it.

- Do we even know fifty people?
- You don't have to.

I'm going to canvas from door to door.

Ooh-hoo. Door to door.

Liz, Liz.

'Ow about a slice of the ol'
prurient then, eh, darlin'?

Eh? 'Ow about it, now, darlin'? 'Ow
about a slice of the---

- Teddy!
- Fancy a bit of the prurient?

No, not... not---

Not tonight.

Tired?

No, it's not that, it's---

If we're going to do this thing
properly, darling...

...I think... well...

...I think it's got to be reflected
from within ourselves...

...as well.

- I mean---
- Look, love, it---

It's pre-marital they're talking about.

Pre-marital. I mean, post-marital
is all right. Fine. Lovely.

Even the Queen does that!

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

Ooh!

"Think dirty."

"Think dirty."

"In the mountains of Macedonia"...

..."where porridge is the staple diet
of the picturesque"...

..."nomad tribes, it's not
unusual for virility"...

..."to continue to a ripe old age."

"What Macedonia can do"...

..."McLaughlin's has done better."

"Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"...

..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."

All right, Frank, hit me.

What I read in that - and correct me
if I'm off-beam...

...the general motivational concept
that I detected there...

...deduced - intuited, perhaps - was...

...and don't hesitate to
shoot me down if I'm wrong...

...sex?

Teddy... Teddy, what can you do with a
guy like this, huh?

I dunno. You work.

You research.
You conceptualise.

And, pow! He walks in...

...and lands smack dab in the
middle of the target.

Was it, was it really so
obvious, Frank?

- I mean, would the great mass of ordinary people...?
- No, no.

No, I don't think THEY would.

I just happen to have this---

So you like it, huh?

Well, in principle.

Sex as a function for rationalising the...

...frozen porridge-buying
mechanism, yes.

That has got a visionary quality.

- Thank you.
- But, specifically, not enough yoomph.

- Not enough...?
- Yoomph.

- Y-double-O-M-P-H.
- Yes, yes.

And I use the word in its
testicular sense.

Ah.

What we need is that - but more.

You understand? An equivalent...

...but superior.

Are you getting all this, Teddy?
It's invaluable.

Yeah, look, Mr Chandler, I think maybe
you've got the wrong guy for the job.

Nat! You assured me.

"Wrong guy for the job"!?

He's kidding you, he's putting you---

Aren't they all the same, Frank?

I mean, these really
ballsy ones, huh?

I mean, your true studs.

The strange diffidence. I'm tellin' ya, this kid
reminds me so much of me...

...it's... and may I say it, Frank...

...of you.

And she just walked out on you?

Mrs Brown, I'm sorry, you'll have to elaborate.
I don't like mysteries.

It's not a mystery, it was just...

...a misunderstanding.

Mrs Levin, I was recommended to you by the
mother of one of my son's school friends.

Mrs Rubens.

Oh, Mrs Rubens!

Such a nice woman. A lady.

And her husband a dentist.
What a clever man.

I wouldn't put my teeth in
anybody else's hands.

So... particulars, please.

- Well, the sort of girl I'm looking fo---
- If you don't mind...

...not about her - you.

I have to be very careful the sort of
homes my Au pair girls go into.

What part, for instance,
are you living?

Florian Avenue.

I know it.

Quite pleasant. Not marvellous,
but if you're happy---

For myself, I prefer Loxley Way.

- Bedrooms?
- Of course.

- How many?
- Four.

Plus the girl's?

Including the girl's.

And her quarters are comfortable?

Oh, well, it's not exactly "quarters".
A quarter.

A bedroom.

And, and we've only got one
child, Richard. He's eleven, but...

- ...really no trouble.
- Only one child?

Tell me, more you don't want
or you can't manage?

We manage very nicely.

I have to ask - you must understand.

I do only a very superior
type of girl from here.

It's a responsibility, the right
homes for them.

Mrs Brown...

...if I was to tell you,
you wouldn't believe.

If you knew the type of situation an
Au pair girl can get herself into---

GO AWAY! GET AWAY!

NO!

Leave me alone!

Leave me! GET AWAY!

"Think dirty."

Not yet, Otto.

I'll tell you when, my beauty.

Back. Back.

To your quarters.

He's a brutish animal, my dear...

...but loyal. Come.

Come...

...you can make an old vampire
very happy, my dear.

NO!

Ah! You find me repulsive,
do you?

I've something here which'll soon
make you change your mind.

One taste of this and you'll be
panting for me touch.

McLaughlin's... the monster-sized
family breakfast.

Mmmmm.

Bloody good!

Think that's all we need.

Hang on!

What d'you think you're doing?

I was just enjoying that.

Enjoying?

Don't be childish, Teddy!

Wh-what you mean, "childish"?
He was just about---

It was just getting to the most
exciting part.

Why can't the Committee go and
watch it at your house?

I haven't got a set. Wouldn't have one of
the damn things in the house.

None of us has. Quite apart from the
moral dangers, we do feel that it, er...

...kills the art of conversation.

- Well, isn't that bloody marvellous, eh?
- Teddy!

No, no. that's all right.
Do converse, by all means.

I'll withdraw. Don't worry.

Excuse me, old chum.

Oh...!

Right, then. Maud - the usual letter
to the Archbishop.

And this time, one to the Chief Rabbi, too.

Might as well conscript the Yids.

It shall be done, Colonel.

Arthur, Hetty - Director General
of the BBC...

...Postmaster General, House of Lords.

- Mellish?
- I'm onto it, old chum.

What's the emphasis, then?

- Sadism?
- Outright sadistic ripping off of clothes...

...and exposing of flesh of a
tied-up girl...

...struggling...

...quivering...

...helpless.

Oh, hello.

It's Mellish here.

Salacious what?

Oh.

Well, yes, yes - of course it's
serious, yes.

No, no, no, don't worry.

I know the drill.

Oh, goodnight, goodnight.

Sorry about that, Elvira.

But my name's Rosie,
Mr Trufitt.

Oh, shut up.

- You behaved disgustingly tonight.
- Mmm-hmm.

- It was quite unforgiveable.
- Good.

Everybody was extrememly
embarrassed and upset.

The evening hasn't been a dead loss.

If films like that get an X-certificate
at the cinema, how can they...

...possibly be shown on television,
where there are children---

For God's sake, Liz.

They're just fairy tales.
That's all horror films are.

Children love 'em.

I mean, it's like trying to
censor Goldilocks.

Well...

...as it happens...

...Leonard and Maud did publish a book.

They called it "Revised Children's Stories".

- Taking the doubtful elements out.
- Out of Goldilocks!?

I don't believe it!

- I love it!
- It's all very well to sneer.

But when you think about Goldilocks...

...bed business... small girl...

- Small girl.
- ...even the very word.

- "Bear".
- "Bear"?

Bed. Small girl. Animals.

Small girl?

Bed?

Goldilocks.

Goldilocks!

"Goldilocks..."

"Goldilocks."

That's it! That's it! That's it! Ha, ha, ha!
Goldilocks does it!

Oh, she doesn't.

Who's been eating my porridge?

Who's been sitting in my chair?

Who's been sleeping in my bed?

It's GOLDILOCKS!

That's it, Bernard, thank you.

Well, now...

...that's the synopsis Literary Department did
for us on the basic Goldilocks plot.

I think it's lovely.

Um... sure.

Uh, however, Teddy here has had
two psychiatrists and...

...four sexual researchers do
a complete analysis on it.

According to them, Frank, the story's
fundamentally... filthy.

Oh, no!

- I never realised.
- Well, why do you think that fairytale's...

...been around so long, Frank?
Goldilocks is a hit.

If you grub around in its
erotic undertones.

I mean, those bears are as
kinky as hell.

- Oh, they're not!
- How about this for over-reaction.

Need any more convincing?

- I think we're on course!
- You bet we are.

And every word of my research
confirms it. Teddy typed it up.

Make something of Goldilocks, you're
onto a sexual gold mine.

Brown.

All systems go.

Laughlin's Porridge one, take eighteen.

Action!

Who's been eating my porridge?

I 'ave, Goldilocks, an' it's great!

Cut it!

Well, what's the matter with that one?

Fought it seemed quite natural.

- Kill the red light.
- What?

Get another two.

Get another two.

Who's been eating my porridge?

I have, Goldilocks, and it's great.

Cut!

What was wrong with that, sweet?
Was I too butch?

- Two bells a moment, please.
- Teddy...

...get another two.

Who's been eating my... porridge?

I have, Goldilocks.

And it's great.
"Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"...

..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."

Well, Mr McLaughlin?

Uh, if I may---

Let the wee fella tell me.

Sure. Well...

...you see, it's, ah...

...Make Porridge Sexy.

That, that's all.

That's all.

"Sexy".

Mah porridge!

Aye.

Sexy?!

These?

They're about as sexy as the
Loch Ness Monster.

Wee man...

...I want a Goldilocks who's REAL sexy.

I want a lass that'll scorch the sporran
off a dead Highlander.

Well, we could run a competition.

- Competition?
- A competiton, yes.

- Yes, a nationwide competition!
- Ah, ha, ha! Entry fee...

- ...one McLaughlin's box top.
- Twa.

- Twa?
- What?!

- Two.
- I--- Oh, twa.

- Yes.
- Are YOU the McLaughlin's Goldilocks girl?

We'll comb the whole of England.
- Ah, ha, ha, ha!

- Yeah!
- What is he thinking?

- United Kingdom.
- The United Kingdom. Let me tell you what...

...in America, in America, it has to be oatmeal.

It'll never sell if it's not oatmeal
in America.

- Please remember that. It's very important---
- You.

The wee one. Here.

- Go.
- Ooh.

And mind, she's to be a
bobby dazzler.

Tall.

Long legs.

Long, long legs.

Great, drowning eyes, a shine
on her hair.

And bosoms...

...bosoms that our wee friend here
could get buried in.

Inga Giltenburg of Stockholm.

From Mrs Levin.

"Giltenburg"?

"Giltenburg"...?

Mount Giltenburg.

Brown...

...I said it would be madness...

...to try to mount the Giltenburg
by the north route.

Keep climbing, McLaughlin.
But whatever you do...

...don't look down.

I can't hang on, Brown.

I'm slipping. Help!

Heeelp!!

Poor devil. Somehow, though, I think
he'd like to have gone that way.

C'mon, man, climb!

CLIMB!

- Why did we do it, Brown? Why?
- Why?

Why?!

- Why?
- Aye, why?

Because... it was there!

Come in.

Come in.

I hope she'll work out.

Course she will.
Why shouldn't she?

Well, she's not exactly... demure.

Hey, Dad - seen the new Au pair?

She's fantastic! What a dolly bird.

Richard, eat.

- Just wait till the Club hears about this!
- Eat!

- It's porridge.
- Yeah.

It's just porridge.

"Just porridge"...?

"Where is she?"

Yes, where is she?

Where's the lucky girl who's going to
be McLaughlin's Miss Goldilocks?

Miss Goldilocks could be your wife...

...your sister, your daughter,
your sweetheart...

...or even the girl next door.

As long as she's beautiful.
Simply send us a photograph...

...along with two box tops from a packet
of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge...

...and help her win fame, fortune,
the prizes of a lifetime.

Remember, McLaughlin's is
searching for... Miss Goldilocks!

Ta, love.

Hey, look, you didn't mind me
coming up here...

- ...to watch that...?
- No, not at all.

Ta. Only I've got...

...Mellish's rat pack downstairs again
in my living room.

Watching BBC Two.

Oh, God. They're still at it.

Sex in Samoa.

Well, Maud, what's the score?

Er, seventeen breasts.

- Seventeen?
- Pairs, I mean.

- Eleven thighs.
- Yes, yes.

Fourteen lower abdomens.

Six miscellaneous, and I couldn't
keep track of the navels.

- I think there were about thirty.
- Thirty-seven, to be exact.

It--- er, at a rough guess.

- Mellish?
- Mmm.

Before I telephone I think there's
something else we ought to discuss.

Our two delegates for the
annual conference...

- ...this year.
- Oh!

- Hear, hear!
- Jolly good idea.

Would you like a Swedish chocolate?

Uh... n-n-no, no, thanks.

Delicioius.

- You do not like that one?
- Oh, er---

No, no! No, it's lov--- lovely.
It, it, it's a very good likeness.

I, I, I imagine.

- Ha, ha, I imagine it's a good likeness, ha, ha!
- Is it because I am untired?

Uh, er... "un-attired".

Hmm. Only, erm, we don't go in much
for that in England, you see.

Over here, erm, nudity...

...stands for, um...

...sex.

You mean here in England
you stand for sex?

Yee--- nnuh--- well...

...ah-haah... n-not always.

The pleasures of disporting among the
Swedish flora and fauna...

...have been extolled by
every great Scandinavian poet...

...novelist, composer, and
furniture designer.

Such household names as...

...Bjorn Bjornemann, Gunnar Nyhammer,
Bengt Jensen and Ole Klink...

...and Karl Rutscheggrige-Gronedeljaegerenalospienbrockbandehorle the Younger.

All have sung praises to our
verdant outdoors.

In this Sweden...

...untouched by war for centuries...

...we are rightly proud of our
social services...

...our sexual freedom, our open sandwiches,
and our suicide rate...

...which is the highest in the world.

Ooooh!

Well, that settles it, then.

And very satisfactorily,
may I add.

Are you sure there'll be no objections
from old chum?

Oh, I don't see why.

Harrogate? What do you
mean, Harrogate?

What does anybody mean?
A small Yorkshire inland resort.

Famed for its mineral waters...

- ...two hundred miles from London.
- Don't be cute, Liz.

Don't be cute.

I'm not having you traipsing two hundred
miles on your own with that...

...sex-mad monk!
- Geoffrey is neither sex-mad...

...nor a monk. It is only a
three-day conference.

Richard'll be away sailing, and
Inga can look after you...

...SO WHY ON EARTH
SHOULDN'T I GO?!

Because... because...

...I think you're getting in too deep
with that society.

They're all raving mad if
you ask me.

Ah, THEY'RE raving mad!

- RAVING MAD!
- I think Arthur and Hetty...

...are about the most contented and
affectionate pair I've ever met...

...and if only more married couples
were like that---

They're BROTHER AND SISTER.

She's MISS Soames.

Look at your petition, go on.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Oh, Liz---

Oh, look.

Do you have to go, Liz?

I mean, it's been weeks since we...

...since you and I, er---

Look, do you realise all we do when we go
to bed, is go to sleep?

I, I don't want to sleep with my wife.
I want to sleeeep with her.

- Teddy, it's not because I---
- Oh, I know, I know.

Sorry, love. I'm sorry.
It's not been easy for me, either.

At the office.

Having trouble with Golidlocks.

Goldilocks?

Who's she?

Oh, it's some idea I got from that
nutty children's book...

...that Leonard and Maud wrote.

- I mean, it's a sitting duck, I couldn't---
- You mean you--- Oh!

- Of all the...
- Of all the what?

- ...rotten things!
- What?

- Now what will Geoffrey think?
- I don't care.

- And what will Leonard and Maud think?
- I don't give a monkey's.

- I don't give a monkey's!
- OH, EYEBALLS!

- OH, NUN'S KNICKERS!
- Oh, that's nice. That's personal.

- And the greengrocer's delivering this afternoon.
- Yes, I know.

- You've already told me.
- And don't let Inga let the boiler go out.

- I won't let Inga let the boiler go out.
- And if anything...

...comes up, you can get me at---
What's the name of the hotel, Geoffrey?

I've, er, booked us in at
the Temperance.

- The Temperance.
- Yes, I heard.

Without surprise.

We'll be up that M1 in well under
two hours.

She cruises at eighty, and loves it!

[Does she?

- So not to worry, old chum.
- Thanks...

...old chum.

Just keep your grimy hands
on the wheel...

...old chum.

Bye, darling. There's some cold
chicken in the fridge.

Bye!

Yeah... I know just how it feels.

Hmmph.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just, er... finding it
a bit difficult to concentrate on, er...

...porridge.

I thought you perhaps might like some.

Er, very kind of you.

- How many?
- Two.

Er--- no, I mean,
I don't--- I mean...

...hah! I d--- I don't take any,
thank you very much.

- Am I disturbing you?
- Huh?! Oh, no, no-err...!

Oh, no, of course you're not...

...disturbing me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Inga?

Erm... what are you doing tonight?

- Very nice.
- What?

- It's very nice.
- Yeah.

Great place.

Very groovy people. You get a lot
of showbusiness people here.

You know, writers,
photographers, actors.

Saw the show, baby. Loved it!

LOVED it!

Arthur?

Er, we'll have our usual.

- What?
- My name is Mario, sir.

Arthur is my brother.

And I don't know what
your usual is.

My usual's away in Harrogate.

Well, we'll have oysters.

Two dozen.

Each.

Teddy...?

- Yeah?
- Are you sure Mrs Brown will not mind?

Geoffrey...?

- Mmm?
- Could you go a bit slower?

I get... car-sick.

Geoffrey...

...I want to go home.

Home?

- We're nearly there.
- I want to go home!

Now, I just might... mmm...
yes, all right.

He-he-hey!

Teddy!

- Nat!
- Teddy!

- Nat.
- Hey, Teh-Dee!

Ha, hah!

- Hello, Teddy!
- Nat!

Ahh, hah!

- How ya doin', kid?
- Great. Lovely to see you.

Now, look, erm, Nat, do you
know Inga?

Inga - Nat Kaplan.

- Nat Kaplan, Inga.
- Delighted to meet you, Mr Kaplan.

Ah, course you are, honey.
Everybody is.

Oh, uh... heel.

- She is a... wonderful person.
- Yeah.

I'm sure she is. Now,
well, look, Nat...

...GREAT seeing you. Y'know...

...GREAT! But, er, Inga and I...

- ...we're just going.
- SURE you're just going.

We're ALL going!

Everywhere!

The Poco Poco Club.

The Afro Dizziac.

Lulu Lorraine's.

Where to now?

One-fifteen Florian Avenue.

Hey!

- I know that.
- You ought to, it's your house.

What?

Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?

Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?

I'm looking for a bottle-opener.
Have you seen a bottle-opener around?

No, man.

'Scuse me. Er, can I borrow
your beer?

Say, kids, I have this dirty joke
I wanna tell...

...so, uh, which one of you is the fella?

Honey, have you heard the one
about the rabbi and the priest...

...and the male nurse, who were
stranded on this tropical isle?

Isn't it dangerous?

Not when you know how.

Say "when".

When.

Have you heard the one...

...about the rabbi and the priest
and the tropic isle...

...who are all stranded on this
male nurse?

Ice, anybody?

Come here, shorty.
There's a priest and a rabbi...

...and a male nurse, and they're
trapped on this tropic island---

C'mon, you dummy!

There ya go! He-he-hey!

- Would you like a lift?
- No, thank you, Vicar.

I'm in a hurry.

There you go, girl.

Say...

...have you ever heard the
one about the rabbi...

...and the priest...

...and the male nurse, who are
stranded on this tropic island.

Hmm?

Did you?

Oh...!

Damn!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Teddy.

Teddy.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, what are you doing?

I can't breathe down here!

- I--- erm...
- Agh, you--- What are you doing?!

So? Perfect nobody is.

She was IN BED with
my husband!

Look, for thirty shillings a week
and all found...

...you can't expect Mary Poppins.

Someone should report her to the
authorities as an UNdesirable alien.

"Alien" maybe, but "undesirable"
it doesn't sound like.

My husband was too drunk to
know what was happening.

- He's not used to drinking.
- I don't like the sound of...

...what he IS used to.

Mrs Levin. If I have decided to accept
my husband's explanation...

...the one thing I do NOT need is
anyone undermining it.

He personally sent her packing.

So all I want from you is a replacement.

Oh?

Of course you do.

And what's more, a replacement that
won't turn out to be a repetition of---

Oh, Mrs Brown.

I've got for you here a girl that's
like the answer to a prayer.

Whose prayer?

That you don't have to worry.
When I tell you...

...that in her last situation she broke
the husband's arm in four places.

That sounds perfect.

Mum! They've landed!

Mrs Brown?

Lotte Von Gelbstein.

Oh. Hello.

Er, come in.

Er, you must forgive Richard.
He thinks you're from Mars.

No. Hamburg.

Oh, I see - is a joke.

Would you like some tea?

No, coffee, please.

- Do you mind instant?
No. I like instant.

06:00 every morning, I rise.

And work will begin at 06:30.

I will not disturb you...

...but will carry out my duties
until midday.

Hello, dependants...

- However---
- ...I'm home. I---

Good evening.

- Herr Brown? Lotte Von Gelbstein.
- Yes.

That's nice.

I am outlining my work system.

Er, Lotte's our new Au pair.

Oh... good.

- Please sit.
- Thank you.

- Dad, at school today---
- I am outlining my work system.

From midday every afternoon
I sleep for four hours.

That sleep I MUST have.

It is a rule.

- Is understood?
- Sieg Heil.

Then everything is tickety-boo.

Tickety-boo.

I will wash my hands.

Ah, yes, Richard, will
you show Herr---

Miss, um... the young... lady...
to the ablutions.

Yes, Dad. It's this way.

So, er... that's what happened
to Martin Bormann.

I wouldn't advise trying
anything with her.

Wi--- wi--- with...?
You... you must be joking!

Oh, look, Liz, look, look,
I explained.

I apologised. You
said you understood.

I did.

- Wh-- wh--- what's that, then?
- What's what?

What--- what's---

- You said it was forgiven and forgotten!
- Why are you shouting?

Because when you forgive
and forget...

...you won't let anyone forget you've
forgiven and forgotten!

Oh, Liz, look, give it a rest.

Dad, where did Inga go to?

Back to Stockholm.

I bought her ticket myself.

Satisfied?

What shall I wear
this evening?

Come in, Number Seven:
Miss Romaine Dupree.

Thank you, Romaine.

Well, Romaine - nearly Miss Tulip
last year, is that right?

- Yes.
- Ah. Tell me, what are your hobbies?

- Hi, Teddy.
- Hello, Nat.

And how is the lovely Mrs Brown?

Ae we still in the doghouse?

The, er, competition's going well, Nat.

Oh, fine.

Great girls, all hand-picked...

...with these very hands.

You help your mother in the home.
Well, that's really commendable...

...isn't it, folks?
Give her a big hand.

And tell me, what's
your ambition?

I'd like to be an all-round entertainer.

Well, good luck and thank you,
Miss Romaine Dupree.

And you'll remember that one of the
girls appearing this evening...

...will become Miss Goldilocks.

Her prizes will include one year's supply
of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge...

...a mini-moke...

...a kilt in the tartan of her choice...

...a thousand pounds in cash...

...and the dream holiday of
a lifetime for two...

...at Tossa Del Mar in Rabjohn's
Holiday Huts.

My word. Who's gonna be
the lucky girl?

Will it be one of the lovelies
you've met already?

Or the next contestant, whose
photo was sent in...

...by one of you Frozen Porridge
lovers of Britain?

Come in, Number Eight:
an ex-Au pair girl from London...

...Miss Inga Giltenburg!

- Please let me in?
- Go away.

It, it's inconvenient.

Please let me in.

No.

Well, can't you just open
the door for a second?

All right.

But only a few inches.

Nat.

Liz's thrown me out. I've got
nowhere to sleep.

Aw, that's tough.

But remember Teddy, there's millions of
homeless people in this world...

...and my heart bleeds for them,
but right now...

...I don't want any of them in here.

Who's at the door, Nat?

Oh, it's you, Teddy!

All right, so come in.

So, er, what's the, er...?

- Oh, she's er---
- I won! I won it!

I'm Miss Goldilocks, I won
the competition!

That, that, that's all I need, Nat.
I mean, that puts the tin hat on it, now.

Don't look at me, you're the one
who sent the picture in.

I didn't send any picture in, Nat.

I wouldn't do a thing like that.

You did do send in her picture,
I saw it among the bunch...

...and I figured you wanted to
give the kid a break.

And now... I'm giving her
another break.

Beats a year's supply of porridge,
huh, baby?

Right, you ought to be comfortable
enough here, Teddy, so---

Thanks, Nat.

We'll be in there if you need anything.

Oh, Teddy, do me a favour?
Don't need anything.

Tell me more about
this Goldilocks business.

It was so rotten.

Even when I'd told him
how shabby it was, he...

...he's been busy with
this for weeks.

Oh.

I have packed them all.
All his possessions.

We can throw them out in the morning.

- Oh, no.
- For what you need him?

We women must be strong!

I can do the man's work in the house.

Chop wood, drive the car.

For money, I can go back to
my old job.

- Your old...?
- In Hamburg...

...I used to wrestle in mud.

Oh.

Well, there's not much call for
that around here.

- No, honestly, I don't think---
- Together we can make...

...a new life.

Liz.

Liz, this work of his is the most diabolical...
I mean, I hadn't realised the enormity of it!

Well, it's something to do with porridge.

The sooner the Society has
sight of this, the better.

Oh, no, wait a minute, they're
Teddy's - they're private.

- We can't just---
- The moment comes...

...the moment comes for all of us
when we have to...

...choose our...

...our priorities.

Er, can't we just ask him first?

Please?

I mean, just put it to him.

There's no answer.

Well, he said he was going to be there.

Hello? Who?

Yes, but he's asleep.

This is Inga.

Inga Giltenburg.

Hello? Hello?

I was once stuck in a lift.

- Daddy, you never told me.
- What a well-appointed situation.

Expensive but tasteful.

You made the right choice, Liz.

I'm proud of you.

We have an appointment with
Wallace Trufitt, MP.

Who shall I say, sir?

Belper - England Clean,
England Strong crusade.

Ahhh!

The time has come, Trufitt, for action.

As our MP, I want you to ask a
question in the House.

Certainly.

About anything in particular?

This has come into our possession.

It belonged to Mrs Brown's husband.

It is a document which describes the
practice of sexual titillation...

...in advertising.

It's all here; facts, figures---

- Photos...?
- No photos.

It's a complete analysis of the...

...subliminal sexual techniques
used to sell McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge.

- May I use the little girls' room?
- Please do. It's through that door.

And to the left.

Not that one!

Oh... more evidence...

- ...much more evidence.
- Let me help you.

Yes, well...
I expect you're all wondering...

...how such DISGUSTING things as these could
possibly have come into my possession.

Well, er, as a matter of fact, I, er---

Now, where were we?

We were talking about cleaning
up advertising.

We want an inquiry.

We want these advertisements banned...

...that porridge thrown off
the market!

There's such a funny mirror in
the bathroom.

You can see right through it...

- ...into the bedroom!
- Yes, yes, you can.

This used to be a nursing home,
you know?

Well, now, if that dossier contains the
information that you say it does...

...well, it is dynamite.

In fact, it is better than dynamite.

It's news!

Front page of every newspaper in the country.
Complete national coverage.

Mr McLaughlin...

...I feel I owe you an apology.

For what?

Our wee miracle-worker.

Ah, come on, Teddy.

Getting the product unpaid publicity...

...on the front page of every newspaper
in the country would've been enough.

- But this, kid - they wanna have it banned!
- That's an advertising first!

Beautiful.

Beauty - the only word for it.

Don't you know what happens to a
book they wanna have banned?

A film?
It's blockbuster time, baby!

- The sales go up like rockets!
- By this time next week...

...Quaker Oats will be turning that
factory into a bowling alley.

The pupil has become the master.

It wasn't me - it was the England Clean,
England Strong Society.

Teddy... you didn't know?

Didn't know... what?

Where that society gets its funds?

It's endowed by the
McLaughlin Foundation.

Mah Foundation contributes to every
socially uplifting organisation.

Hello? Oh, yes, he is.
Frank.

- BBC.
- BBC!

- They're potty.
- "Hello, Mr Chandler?"

"My name's Tolworth."

I'm sort of, erm, producer on the
"Confrontation" programme.

Ah, you don't know me
but I expect you've heard of...

- ...Joanna Snow.
- Yes, of course I know Joanna Snow.

It's a bleedin' nuthouse.

Well, Joanna would love you to appear on
her programme this evening.

- Tonight?
- "Mmm, yes."

"I think what she had in
mind, really, was"...

...your group in sort of open
confrontation, really, with a...

...group from the England Clean,
England Strong Society.

We'll be there. Can't wait!

The delegation will consist of you...

...you, myself and, of course, the
first begetter of it all---

MAD! MAD! The whole lot of you!
You ought to be in an asylum!

Where is she?

- Where's Liz?
- Go away. You are not wanted here.

We haff vays of making you talk!

- Where is she?
- Sh-she left.

- For the Underground.
- Which one?

I have friends in ze underground.

Which one?

Liz!

LIZ!!!

- I've gotta talk to you, love.
- I'm going to my solicitor.

Solicitor?

- To see about a divorce.
- Oh, Liz.

- I've taken advice.
- Who from? That sour kraut?

- Miss "Tomorrow the World"?
- Geoffrey.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey says there comes a moment
in everyone's life, when---

- There certainly does!
- Ooow!

Come on, Liz.

Just come on.

Get in there!
Don't argue with me.

Don't argue!

It won't do any good. I've made up my mind.

You have?! You mean, that
lousy Geoffrey has.

I'll fix that bloody vicar!

- You were the one that started it all!
- It wasn't...

...me, it was you with all that
hoo-hah with Richard's knickers.

This goes deeper than Richard's knickers.

It's you - you're sex-mad!

ME?! I haven't had sex
for months!

What d'you think they're advertising?

Dunno. Must be new stuff they're
putting in the toothpaste.

Greetings.

And, tonight, Confrontation
will be discussing...

...racial discrimination among
unmarried mothers.

Thursday's outbreak of violence at
the National Bowls Championship.

But first, today's headlines.

The dispute on sex in
television commercials...

...and the remarkable charges brought by the
England Clean, England Strong Society.

Stand by, Two.

And now, to open the batting...

- ...Reverend Mellish.
- On you , Two.

Look, let's not make a big thing of this.

All we're suggesting - all we're hinting...

...is that there's already too much filthy,
sex-obsessed sewage muck on TV.

And why should it be thrust at us
in the commercials as well?

Oh, come, now - that's simply discrimination.

Balderdash! It's time that sex was
put back where it belongs...

...in the bedrooms of prostitutes
and decently married couples.

TEDDY, STILL ON LOUDSPEAKER:
All I want is my normal quota!

I mean, is that too much to ask,
just my normal quota of sex?

I mean, that's all any man wants.

Just a normal sex life.

Speak for yourself, darlin'.

Well, would you think it right
to represent...

...actual intercourse in a commercial?

Yes, would you?

I think there should be no copulation
without representation.

I go along with that.

It's not me, it's your lot.

You're pre-occupied with sex!

Every night, sitting around the telly...

...totting up the tits and bums.

I am entirely against censorship.

I uphold the right of the artist...

...to express freely whatever he
wants to, providing...

...he does not put it in a television show or
a film or a play, or anywhere...

...where the public can see it.

And as for that Au pair girl...

...don't think I don't know what went
on with you and her in that flat.

Call that a normal quota?

Follow that toothpaste tube!

Right in one's living room...

...men and women in bed,
shoulders being stroked...

...noses burrowing into
each other's necks...

...sometimes you can't work out where the
man ends and the woman begins!

It's not exactly incandescent, is it?

Do you find it incandescent?

Aahh!

Sorry sir. No admittance to Studio unless
you're taking part in a production.

Uh... well, I am taking part
in the production.

What as?

None of us wants to inhibit
freedom of expression.

It's just a question of priorities.

OH! Oh, leave me alone, you---
Take the van!

Here...?

You a bishop?

Well, who do you think I am with
this, then? Bloody Bo Peep?

- 'Ere - hold on!
- Course I'm a bishop, you twit!

Ooaaarh!

Bless you, my son.

And what is the most important
thing today?

Well, to my mind, it's the home.

The sacred and inviolable institution
of marriage.

You lying bastard!

You two-face berk!

All you wanna do is get your
sweaty hands on my wife!

You don't give a monkey's about
breaking up people's homes.

With my rod and staff I shall
comfort you, mate!

Oww!

No!

This seems a LITTLE lively.
Stay on the bishop, Four.

You git!

Anyone know which bishop it is?

Er, can we super an attachment
showing his... diocese?

Kill him, Geoff!!

Oh, nice.

Oh, you stinker!

You bitch! You bitch!

Silly old clot!

Nat! For God's sake, do something.

- For heaven's sake, look---
- Get off!!

Aaagh---

And turning to you, Mr Kaplan, what
are your views on violence?

Listen, I'm an American.
I don't belong in this war.

Change lens, Three.

MELLISH!

D'you know, this is beginning to take
on the quality of real television debate.

I'm coming for you, Mellish!

I'll have you!

You slimy Ba---

All right, Vicar?

- Look, don't--- Look, please...!
- Now turn the other cheek, mate.

AGH! Ooh!

Teddy!

- Teddy!
- Er, pardon me.

- I'm looking for my husband.

- Do you know Nat Kaplan?
- Why, most certainly.

Teddy!

Hello...

...Nat.

What is this?

Come back down here,
ye bobby dazzler, and I'll whisper.

Teddy, you'll kill yourself!

Teddy!

- Elvira?
- Wallace.

Jack, as a matter of fact.

Where d'you think you're goin', an'
what're we gonna call this?

Teddy!

Oh, Teddy!

Right.

Right! Trapped!

Trapped!

TRAPPED!

HA, HA, HA! Ha... ah...

...er---

Mellish?

Mellish?

Mellish?

Mellish?

Mellish!

I know you're in here somewhere.

AH!

Ahh-haa-haah...!

Mellish!

Mellish?

Mellish...?

Mellish...?

Oh!

UGH!

Yeaahh!

Oooh!

Ah, hah, hah, hah!

Hmm?

Ha-haaahh!

YEEAAAAARH!

Agh!

Oop!

Yeuuuurrgh-ooow!

Missed!

Never touched me!

Mellish!

Yeuuh...!

Mellish!

You conduct went far beyond the
bounds of civilised behaviour.

Your Worship, this is not,
whatever might at first appear...

...your ordinary run-of-the-mill brawl
between a clergyman...

...and an advertising practitioner,
disguised as an archbishop...

...in a television studio.

No. My client claims that
the plaintiff...

...was responsible for his wife
starting divorce proceedings.

No! He wasn't responsible.

Well, it wasn't me, darling.

Kindly address your remarks to the court.

It wasn't me, darling.

Then who was responsible?

That Swedish slag!

Mmm. I have, er... evidence of...

...Scottish porridge, but, erm...
Swedish slag...?

HER!

She is responsible. She spent the
night with him in Kaplan's flat.

But nothing happened with Mr Brown
that night - I swear it didn't.

It was Mr Kaplan I was in bed with.

See, in England, "in bed with" means, um,
it means, um---

It don't mean "gardening", buster!

No, I still don't seem to have
any documents on slag.

If nothing happened, how come you
were in the Miss Goldilocks competition...

...when my husband said he'd bought
your plane ticket to Stockholm?

Sir! Sir!

Please, sir - can I
say something?

The child of the union, sir.

Oh. Oh, yes - by all means.

Please, sir - I entered Inga.

You entered Inga?!

- How old is this child?
- Your Worship...

...I think I can explain.

On second thoughts, I...

...don't think I can explain.

For the competition. I felt I
owed her something...

- ...because of her knickers.
- Knickers?

I seem to have a peculiarly inadequate briefing
on this particular, erm...

...um, Mr Slocombe - do knickers
constitute an exhibit?

Not to my knowledge, Your Worship.

Of course... I could ask the young
person to favour Your Worship with a, er...

- ...glimpse of the, er---
- Oh, no, no, Mr Slocombe.

The more I hear of this case...

...the more certain I become that
restraint is necessary on all sides.

Rarely - to the best of my belief -
have I been subjected to such a catalogue of...

...violence and licentiousness.

For the Crown---