Original subtitles

(answering machine) Tuesday, 10:03 a.m.

(man #1) Yeah, Jamie, hi.

Uh, it turns out I'm not really gonna be around Thursday night,

so, uh-- beep!

(answering machine) Sunday, 12:29 a.m.

(man #2) Jamie, you were really great,

but, uh, I met someone else.

beep!

(man #3) I, uh--I wanted to, um--

I got to work tonight, but, uh, so maybe--

I'm thinking sometime next week or, uh, week after that or--

I'll give you a ring.

beep!

(man #4) Listen, I--I hate to leave this on an answering machine.

I mean-- beep!

(man #5) I still kind of have a girlfriend,

but if you're cool with that-- beep!

(man #6) I'm not ready. beep!

(man #7) I don't know how to say this, so I'm just gonna say it.

beep!

(man #8) I don't really believe in monogamy.

beep!

(answering machine) Monday, 10:32 a.m.

(man #1) Something's kind of come up,

so, um, I'll call you on Thursday.

(answering machine) Thursday, 4:53 p.m.

No messages.

beep!

Tuesday, 10:03 a.m.

(woman) Hello, this is Marian Simms,

and I'm calling about your Capital Three credit card.

We have-- beep!

beep!

(answering machine) No messages.

beep! No messages.

beep!

beep!

(man #1) Yeah, uh-- beep!

My sister's boyfriend's brother's got his--

beep!

I'll call you? beep!

beep!

I think it's time for us to see other people.

beep!

(man #9) I need some time alone.

beep!

(man #10) It's the timing, really.

beep!

(man #1) Yeah, um, and if you want, you can just--

you can keep the TV.

[applause on TV]

(man) We've been getting a lot of mail wanting to know more

about my incredible sexual adventures.

So tonight, I'd like to invite you

to come to my boudoir,

as we say in the French-speaking part of Ireland.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Jamie, I can't go tomorrow night.

Laura, you promised.

I know,

but Paul and I have to finish the hospital blueprints

by the end of the week.

We just worked till midnight.

My neck is killing me.

I think my mid-cervicals just rotated.

I thought they rotated yesterday.

Well, they rotated yesterday,

and then they rotated back this morning,

and then they re-rotated this afternoon.

Come on, Laura, you have to come with me.

If I go alone, I'm gonna look like some kind of poetry groupie

trying to pick him up.

You know I ruined his romantic poetry class?

I used to bring up Lord Byron's pubic hair.

What?

Lord Byron used to send pubic hair to his lovers.

You're smoking, aren't you?

I can tell by the way you're talking.

I am not. It's not lit.

It's just a pacifier.

[softly] Just a minute.

Jamie, I have to go to bed.

Paul and I are, um, meeting Daddy for--

for breakfast tomorrow morning.

You want to come?

No, I just saw Dad.

I'm still recovering.

So are you gonna come with me to the bookstore tomorrow

at 6:45?

He'd better not be another one of those--

He's not a jerk. I promise.

(woman) Hi, everybody. May I have your attention?

Hi, I'm Tanya Wright.

Tonight we have John Kalicharan with us.

Doubt Me Not is John's eighth book of poetry.

Eight books.

[applause]

(woman) He's brilliant.

He's very attractive.

Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you all for coming.

[Velcro tearing]

I'm very grateful. Thank you.

"Her left eye is only a golden blur,

"her ear a vast musical instrument

"of flesh.

"The moon spills off my shoulder,

slides into her face."

Thank you so much for coming. Enjoy the book.

What should I say?

Just be your adorable self.

[people chatting]

Do you remember me?

Jamie Harris.

The romantic poetry seminar at Bard.

You were very--

I think you challenged everything I said.

Well, it was nice seeing you again.

I don't hold it against you.

Why not?

When are you going back to New York?

I'm not.

I moved here a couple of months ago.

By yourself or--

I lived with a woman for eight years,

but it ended.

Are you with someone or--

Oh, uh, I'm in a really destructive relationship--

with myself.

Jamie, do not sleep with him tonight.

No, I won't.

You don't want to blow this.

He is very promising,

more than anybody that you've ever--

Okay, Laura, I will not fuck him.

Can I kiss him?

No.

Come in.

(John) Nice big hammock.

Oh, yeah, it's a tanning bed.

It's guaranteed to give you skin cancer within five years.

I named it, so they gave me one.

You named it?

Mm-hmm.

I name products. That's what I do.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah. Have you got any wine?

Uh, I don't think so.

I got some scotch.

Rusty water in tuna brine.

(John) I saw a liquor store

on Wilshire.

I'll be right back.

No, no. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

I am not.

No.

And I brought you a gift.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I think it sort of matches what you're wearing.

Sort of. It--

[laughs]

[chuckles]

Thank you.

I'll be right back.

Have you got an opener?

I'm not having sex.

I'm sorry. I-I thought--

I mean, I shouldn't have assumed that--

I feel like an idiot.

I'm really very sorry.

Wait!

You're amazing.

You too.

I can't--I can't believe this.

You can't believe what?

I'll tell you, um, when I know you better.

I will know you better.

Yes.

[lawn mower roaring]

John?

Fuck!

Jamie, why do you always do this?

It is so self-destructive.

Well, he was leaving,

and I thought I was never gonna see him again.

I just thought sex was my last chance.

Well, either you're not a great fuck--

which I think is unlikely, given all your practice--

or being a great fuck doesn't make any difference.

Hey.

Either way, you're screwed.

Um, James, I got to go.

Good morning.

[laughs]

All right, so how many

did you have yesterday?

I didn't have any all day.

Uh-huh.

And then?

And then I had, like, 10 or 15.

Oh, no!

But less than a pack.

Martin, the circumstances were extenuating.

Yeah, you smell like sex.

Do I smell like incredible sex?

[sniffs]

Well, either that or a lot of average sex.

Rowr-rowr!

[laughs]

[sighs]

Hmm.

All right, who is he?

Does he have a nice soul?

He was my teacher.

And his soul looks good.

An older man.

Well, this could be positive.

[knock at door]

Sorry, sorry!

My fly is stuck.

I have an acupuncture appointment with Martin Mars.

I'm the headache.

I swear, I'm no more perverted than the next bloke.

I'll pull my shirt out.

Lucky for you, it's-- it's extra large.

Not that that's so small.

Well, medium, maybe.

You look like me mum's sewing cushion.

What are you in for?

Smoking.

I'm an addict.

You're Mick McCabe.

That would be me, yeah.

Comedy Central at midnight,

hoping you'll laugh once before you...

[together] conk out.

Yeah, I watch you after The Simpsons.

I love The Simpsons.

Simpsons is brilliant.

Me, I'm just--

You're funny too.

Silly Irish loudmouth.

Do they hurt?

Oh, they're like rabies shots, only worse.

[laughs]

(Grant-Lee Phillips) ♪ Heavenly, heavenly. ♪

♪ What other words could I use to describe... ♪

There used to be another one of those,

but my ex, Martha, took it.

(Grant-Lee Phillips) ♪ As it covers my eyes? ♪

Well, you know, I had a crush on you

which, of course, I couldn't act on.

Is that why you totally ignored me?

Yeah.

(Grant-Lee Phillips) ♪ Lovingly, lovingly, ♪

♪ every caress that you ever gave. ♪

(Jamie) When I was little, my mom used to read me

this book called Goodnight Moon.

Every night, we'd say,

"Night-night, lune. See you soon."

That's lovely.

(Grant-Lee Phillips) ♪ Brushing my fears away, ♪

♪ knowing just what to say. ♪

♪ Heavenly, heavenly, heavenly, heavenly. ♪ ♪

[laughter]

I name anything-- colored tampons,

eyedrops that correct your vision for 13 minutes.

You name it, I name it.

What a brilliant job.

Not really.

Sometimes I get a brilliant idea;

they never use it.

We should have you on the show.

You're kidding.

No, I'm very serious.

Yeah.

You'll be getting a call from my producer tomorrow.

So how did you get into this line of business?

Well, I've been a vegan

since my childhood dog, Butch, died.

I couldn't reconcile my love of animals

with my sadomasochistic lifestyle.

[laughter]

S&M attire is 99% leather.

Though I now believe that my new line

of nonanimal all-natural products

will finally bring sadomasochism to the holistic market.

[laughter]

Wonderful.

That's gonna be me in 48 hours.

What if I can't think of anything funny to say?

You're much more amusing than he is.

(man) I think it went well.

Much more.

(Mick) Good for you, Tom.

I guess I better get going.

(Jamie) Okay.

(John) It was really lovely to meet you.

It's a shame your husband couldn't come, though.

Yeah, well, he, uh, doesn't socialize much.

You know, he works all the time,

as all architects do.

Does that mean that you work all the time?

Yeah, pretty much.

With that, we leave you.

We'll be back in two minutes.

Don't go away.

Oh, man.

Can we please have sex

before I embarrass myself on national television

and have to move to a TV-free island?

Jamie, we--

Jamie.

We have to talk.

Oh, what?

Martha just showed up.

She said that she wants to get back together.

You--why, do you want to get back together with her?

I thought--

I wasn't expecting this.

I was hoping for this before I met you.

Oh.

I thought I was gonna have kids with Martha.

We'd been together for so long.

No, that's right. She's--you've--

She's the one, and I'm just the easy chick.

No, that is not how I think of you.

That is not how I think of you, Jamie.

(Laura) I can't believe John did this.

He seemed so great.

Maybe I'm just gonna cancel.

You know, I'm sure they've got an obscene parrot

they can call at the last minute.

I can't find my wallet.

Jamie, is something wrong?

My boyfriend broke up with me.

That's too bad.

But you didn't know him for very long, did you?

Dad.

Thanks, Dad. That's a big help.

I just meant that, uh--

I was trying, you know--

It's harder the longer that you know someone.

That's all.

(woman) It was in the Xerox machine.

Your 2:00 is on his way up.

I have to go.

Don't worry, Jamie.

There's someone out there who's right for you.

Yeah, well, what if I never meet him?

What if he's rotting in a Peruvian prison?

I know. You feel hurt right now.

Amber, I do not know how you can be so optimistic.

I mean, you date a lot of--

Shitheads,

but eventually I'll find someone incredible.

I'm gonna cancel.

No, you're not.

(woman) Hi.

I'm Sandy Clarke, Mick's producer.

We spoke on the phone.

This is Big Tex.

Oh, you look great,

especially the lips.

[buzzer]

Uh, just want to let you know we're gonna end

with the vaginal odor warning strips.

(Mick) So tell us, Jamie.

How did you become a namer?

I had a roommate who sold medical supplies.

She got me my first job.

Which was?

Naming a catheter.

[laughter]

I wanted to call it Urine Trouble,

but they wanted something more positive.

It wasn't so negative.

It could have been called Urine Bloody Deep Shit.

[laughs]

Actually, you're not allowed to mention

blood or shit or piss or come,

but gas is fine.

[laughter]

Um, so after catheters,

I moved on to antidepressants.

Ooh.

I named Upanol.

I took Upanol.

I nearly went impotent.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

So you're gonna name an SUV.

Where do you start-- by taking a meeting

with those buggers at General Motors?

Oh, I don't get those jobs.

I get really weird jobs,

like electric strollers with global positioning.

But someday, hopefully,

you'll graduate onto the off-road vehicles.

Maybe.

But those jobs are boring.

They all want the same thing--

a new Cherokee.

There's only one minority for car manufacturers:

American Indians.

You're never gonna see

a four-door Korean with air-conditioning

and power steering

or a fully loaded Black Jeep Jew.

[laughs]

[applause]

You know, someone very important left me a few years ago,

and it was hell for a while,

but you get over it, and--

and hopefully you do better next time.

[sighs]

That's probably not much consolation right now.

Oh.

It's okay.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Hey, I have your rings!

[bell ringing]

[bell ringing]

Hey, wait!

Why--

Why are you doing this?

Please talk to me.

My husband left me.

He said our relationship had grown stale.

I thought we were happy.

I, uh--

We have a son.

He doesn't talk. He--

We don't talk.

He won't even know I'm gone.

Yes, he will.

You know, my mother died 20 years ago.

I miss her every day.

She killed herself.

I guess that was a pretty selfish thing to do.

She couldn't help it.

Could you please come down with me?

That's good.

[screams]

[loud thud]

[siren wailing]

[monitor beeping]

(Tanya) I, uh, thought you might, uh,

like to read some books.

Well, that's, uh-- that's a nice thing to do.

So, uh, how do you know Jamie?

She, uh--she's been coming to my bookstore

since she was a little girl.

She was some kid.

Yeah.

I know you probably think that I'm unspeakable,

but I have to see Jamie. Please go.

Look, I have to see her.

(Laura) She doesn't want to see you.

(John) Sometimes people in comas

can hear what you're saying.

I thought if she could hear me, if she could hear my voice,

she might want to know how much--

We'll leave them for her. Thanks very much.

It might make her happy.

I dreamt I fucked Homer Simpson.

Did John come?

No.

But everybody else has been great.

Tanya's been here a couple times,

and Mick.

I think I had a dream about Mick.

So you did it with Mick and Homer Simpson

at the same time?

That's a little freaky, Jamie.

I could have died.

"Dear Jamie,

"I just wanted to thank you for saving my life.

"I'm in a hospital,

"so I have a lot of time to think.

"I hope you're recovering quickly.

All my best, Jackie Smithson."

You look like your mother.

beep!

[John on answering machine] Jamie, Jamie, pick up.

You don't need to deal with that right now.

Play.

(John) I've made a terrible mistake.

We don't care.

Play.

(John) I saw her tonight. I knew.

I really am over her completely.

What do you think of that "completely"?

I think he's protesting too much.

He doesn't need the "really" and the "completely."

Play it again.

beep!

(John) I really am over her completely.

He's clearly not stable.

One minute, he's out the door; the next, he's on his knees.

Sweetie, you've been through so much lately.

Maybe you shouldn't call him back for a while.

Just wait till you feel stronger.

I've only known him for two weeks,

not counting the two years in college

I spent fantasizing about him.

What if, all of a sudden,

he really, truly, completely decides

he wants to be with Martha?

Here, here.

Here.

There you go.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're better off alone right now.

You don't want another flaky boyfriend.

(Jamie) This is my life.

I'm just a pathetic jerk magnet.

Wow, you're pretty hard on yourself.

I don't know.

Just trying to face the facts.

What do you think about celibacy?

I think it sucks.

I'm not talking about you.

[laughs]

I'm thinking celibacy might be a really good thing for me.

I just don't want to keep doing what I've been doing.

It hurts too much.

So I thought maybe if I just spent time with men

without the possibility of sex.

I think that's a beautiful idea.

And it doesn't have to be for the rest of my life.

I'm thinking, like, three months.

Think I'm still allowed to masturbate?

As long as you're alone.

[loud knocking]

I'm turning over a new leaf.

You're trying to get pregnant?

I've taken a vow of celibacy.

But I brought you a boyfriend.

Stay.

Stay. Steady.

Oh, Mick.

He's amazing.

Oh, I have always wanted a pet.

What should I name him?

I don't know.

Isaac Newton?

Hello, Isaac.

I think he was celibate.

Wow.

You got him?

How about Ike? I like Ike.

What do they eat?

My turtle Molly eats worms and snails

and squirrels and small--

Okay, here.

I'm joking.

(Jamie) He's been in there for two days.

I think he has botfly infestation.

He's probably just constipated.

I'm calling Mick.

(Mick) Okay, Ike.

It's called an enema.

Yeah, see? That wasn't so bad.

Handled that like a real man.

Ooh.

Couldn't have done better myself.

He's feeling it now.

[Ike farts]

Oh, fucking hell!

It's okay.

It's okay.

Uh, you know what?

Look, it's okay.

Sorry about that.

I thought we were friends.

And we are friends.

I'm just randy, and it's been a while.

[blow-dryer whirring]

[knock at door]

Well,

I better be going.

You better change.

(Mick) I wear skirts after work.

Gives the privates a bit of fresh air.

I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you too.

That was staggering,

how you saved that woman's life.

It was so scary.

"I love you"? You can't write that.

I want you to go.

Please.

[saw buzzing]

I think they look a lot better in the casts.

You know, when you were in your coma,

you kept screaming, "Homer."

Oh, no.

I studied Greek in college. I was just wondering--

Um, it was a different Homer.

Well, um, come back and see me

if you have any tingling or numbness

or if you want to get a drink or something sometime.

Uh, I'm celibate.

What's that like?

[squeaking]

Whoa! No, be careful! He's handicapped.

This, um, Ike's lunch?

This is a Ratticus norvegicus.

Huh.

For the kids.

So how'd it go with John?

Not so good.

I saw you at the W.

She your type?

Oh, she was on the show.

But it wasn't a date.

That's good.

Oh, you don't want me to date?

No, I didn't say that.

I just pictured you with someone

who would at least get your jokes.

I married someone who got my jokes,

and that didn't end up with a laugh.

You were married?

Oh, the one who left you.

I'm late for Martin,

but I had an idea I wanted to talk to you about.

Could you stop by the station tomorrow?

Sure.

You got two arms.

Very nice.

We're doing a home-shopping bit,

and we thought you could name some of the products.

What do you think?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

Say yes. Say yes.

Great!

Okay, yes.

Bye, darling.

Ratman is wanted.

He is such a character.

[chuckles]

How did you guys hook up?

Oh, in London about ten years ago.

He was doing a sitcom,

and I was the producer's assistant.

So you must have known him for a really long time.

Mm-hmm.

I know him pretty well.

I mean, we were married.

Got ya.

It's true.

Wait, do you got me, or is it true?

We were together about seven years,

until I fell in love with his wife--

his wife on the show.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Yeah, it was a little tough getting through that one,

but, you know, now Mick and me, we're good again.

Oh.

So, uh, how's that whole celibacy thing going?

38 days.

It's okay.

(Tanya) Hmm.

(Jamie) Sometimes the nights are hard.

(Tanya) Well, I've been without a man

for over two years.

[chuckles]

And I'm, uh, tired of it.

Your casts are off.

Yeah, they cut them off.

I don't want to say the wrong thing again.

And I was hoping--

I don't think it's a good idea.

Well, your birthday's coming up.

How do you know it's my birthday?

Remember?

You showed me your license

where you looked just like Homer Simpson.

You didn't even know who Homer Simpson was.

Right, but couldn't I just take you out to lunch anyway?

No.

Laura's having a birthday party for me.

Maybe you could come to that.

[people chatting]

[laughter]

Hey, John, how are you?

Excuse me.

[Jamie laughing]

(Jamie) I think he could.

I think he could go all the way.

Happy birthday.

She's probably been getting a lot of that today.

Maybe you should try a better line.

What would you suggest?

Oh, how about,

"Roses are red. Violets are blue.

My life hasn't been the same since I met you."

I prefer "Happy birthday."

James,

why don't we go see how Daddy's doing?

(Mr. Harris) So you were saying?

(Tanya) I was saying that your position on corporate architecture,

if anything, should be quite different.

I mean, I disagree.

Architecture is absolutely political.

Right?

What about Albert Speer?

Your friend's been criticizing my outmoded ideas.

She loves to criticize.

No, no, no, no-- educate.

Albert Speer.

Oh, Dad.

She played the Albert Speer card.

I did not.

(Mick) I thought the unwrapping would be later,

in private.

Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.

Everybody knows that I'm celibate.

[laughter]

I didn't know.

Well, you usually don't like to know about my sex life.

Maybe I've changed.

Daddy, you're acting weird.

Oh, oh.

Aw.

Thanks.

That is the book, the one you had, isn't it?

You can get her Hello Sun next year.

So are you still with Mick's sitcom wife?

Oh, God, no.

She left me for a man, her first cousin.

You know, English people are so sick.

(Laura) Jamie, Amber's here.

You came.

Yeah, just for a minute.

Your father left his wallet

in the office last night, and he just--

Oh, I am so jealous.

I'm dying to have a baby,

but my girlfriend wants me to wait a bit.

May I?

I want to have it in the bath.

I've been trying to get Paul to have a kid,

but he's not ready.

I should go. I'm really tired.

Jamie, you look great.

You look like you're having a great party.

At least have some cake or something to eat.

Come on.

Okay, but I really have to go home.

I'm so tired.

How about you, Jamie? Do you want a little one?

Oh, I don't think I'd be a very good mother.

But if I ever have a kid, I think it'll be in a hospital

under heavy sedation.

Can I have some water, please?

Sure.

Do you want with gas or without?

Whatever you have.

Ah!

Honey, oh, you came.

Got back early for a change.

[Amber screams]

Oh, God.

You okay?

Aah!

I'll get the car.

(man) Is she all right?

(woman) Call an ambulance.

Are you sure you don't want to call the father?

I have to tell you.

You've been so generous--

Everything's gonna be fine.

and so maternal, a friend,

really. Move on down.

Even though-- What are you doing?

She needs to get into the car.

Leave her alone. She needs to get into the car.

For God's sakes, come on.

(Amber) I am so sorry. Amber.

It was only once.

He promised me he would let you know.

You fucking dick.

Look, I--

What's this?

Oh, that is so sweet.

Maybe I could get some of that-- that kiwi chicken.

You used to love that.

No!

Where do you girls get these guys?

I wasn't such a bad example.

I mean, if your mother hadn't--

It's not her fault.

What's today?

It's Tuesday.

What happened to Sunday and Monday?

You're reading Mommy's diary?

Yeah.

Hey, Jamie.

My mid-cervicals haven't rotated in a week.

My therapist thinks they were protesting against Paul.

Thai.

Yeah, she's naming products for Mick's show.

They're doing a takeoff on the Home Shopping Network.

All right, I'll see you at work.

Okay. I love you too, Daddy.

Bye.

I can't think of anything.

Well, maybe Mick will let you have the weekend.

Just tell him that you're not feeling well.

Then I can't see him on Saturday.

Are you going out with him?

No, it's not a date.

It's just, you know--

it's not-- it's a day thing.

We're going to Tanya's party.

That's my celibacy calendar.

Laura gave it to me.

(Mick) So on day 90,

you plan to break your vows?

I don't know yet.

I've been in so many fucked-up relationships.

I think I want to know the guy

before I take my clothes off next time.

Do you know me?

A little.

But we're just friends.

No, um, I like you.

And you're different.

You mean because I talk funny and I wear rat suits?

[laughs]

Yeah, uh, that and, um...

you're not a jerk.

Does that mean you couldn't fancy me

because I'm not a jerk?

No, it means I might fancy you even though you're not a jerk.

Well, then--

What?

Could I kiss you?

Is that allowed?

No.

[people chatting]

Your father really adores you.

He doesn't adore me. He adores Laura.

No, I saw the way he looked at you.

I think my mother adored me.

I know.

I know, but your father does too.

[people chatting]

(Laura) Hi, I'm Laura.

Nice to meet you.

No, that's for ice.

Naughty.

You're naughty.

That hurt.

Let's go.

Did you know he'd be there?

Well, he's a friend of Tanya's.

So you thought you'd bring me along just in case.

No, I really wanted you to come,

and I told you John and I are just friends.

Then why did you bolt

when you spotted him with that woman?

I've done the triangle thing before.

I didn't like it.

beep!

Laura, who is she? Call me right away.

(Sandy) I can't believe it.

I cooked her this incredible Australian lamb dinner.

You liar.

Okay, I ordered it.

It was still incredible.

She ate three platefuls, and then she dumped me.

We were gonna have a baby together.

Don't worry.

You'll find somebody else tomorrow.

[sighs]

You know, Jamie's pretty cute.

I'd take her,

except I don't think she's homosexually inclined.

She doesn't like me either.

It's weird having a living thing in me again.

Well, it's weird

putting my living thing in you again.

[whining]

[door slams]

(John) What are you doing here?

I'm spying on you.

Fuck.

What does it look like?

That's what it looks like.

Where's your boyfriend?

I don't have a boyfriend.

Mick is not my boyfriend.

He's just a friend.

I can't believe that you're pulling this bullshit

after all that "I'll see you in the moonlight" bullshit.

You know what?

Just go back to Martha.

If you would just slow down just for a second,

I'd invite you in to meet my sister.

Your sister.

Yes, my sister.

I saw you.

You spanked your "sister"

after she slapped you on the ass.

For Christ's sake,

we've been doing that since we were kids.

I'm sure it has all sorts of incestuous connotations,

but I'm not in touch with them.

I feel like an idiot.

Uh, I'm gonna go now.

She'd really like to meet you.

No, I'm really gonna go now.

[applause]

[buzzer]

Oh!

Good shot.

You're letting me win.

Absolutely not.

What, are you wearing women's clothing now?

Only hats and bras.

No, it's, uh--

it's a present from my mom.

She hasn't been with anyone in 20 years,

since my dad.

Were they divorced?

No.

He just got up and left one day.

What a jerk.

Not really.

He was a good man, for an Irishman.

Never touched a drink,

never said "fuck,"

good dad.

Would you mind looking after Molly

for a while while I'm gone?

You're going away?

To Dublin. Dublin!

And then I'm taking my mom to Paris.

She's never been.

That sounds wonderful.

Yeah, I'd love to take her.

Molly's having babies.

I think I'm gonna vomit.

Oh.

Maybe you need a doctor.

Oh, no, it's-- it's morning sickness.

Congratulations.

That's what you wanted, right?

Well, I had some artificial insemination fantasies,

but this one was heterosexual penetration.

Oh.

I thought you were gay now.

I'm bisexual. I just prefer women.

Wow, what are you gonna do?

Well, I'm gonna have it.

I'm even thinking of getting married again.

With the father?

Mm-hmm.

Well, Mick's a good husband.

He'd make a great dad.

Mick?

Mick's the father?

Did you know he was fucking Sandy?

No.

No, of course not. I would have told you that.

I thought we were friends.

Friends tell each other things like that.

You think we should tell Jamie?

What would we say?

That we're friends.

Then she might think that we're more than friends.

But we're not.

I know, but she could think.

You're right.

You're right.

You're smoking now.

[phone ringing]

(John) Yeah, this is John.

I'm out, so please leave a message.

Thank you.

beep!

Oh, God, I can't.

[phone rings]

Hello.

I got back early. What are you up to tonight?

Uh, I...have a lot of work.

Then I'll just stop by tomorrow

and pick up Molly.

I brought you a present.

My old Irish sweater from when I was a kid.

No, Irish fisherman's sweater.

But non-Irish non-fishers are permitted to wear them.

You know, looks kind of big.

Maybe you should just keep it.

[teakettle whistling]

Molly and Ike are having--

Babies.

Jamie,

I have something to tell you.

I already know.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I only found out about it last night.

Why are you lying?

I found out last week you were getting married.

Married?

You're marrying Sandy.

Why would I marry a lesbian,

especially one that I've already divorced?

Last night, she mumbled something,

but no.

So how'd she...get pregnant?

I went over there one night

right after her girlfriend walked out.

You wanted to make her feel better?

No, I wanted me to feel better.

It was right after Tanya's party.

So it only happened once.

Oh, yeah.

We were drunk and--

the condom fell off inside her right after.

Well--

You get the idea.

So you happy about being a father?

Yeah.

I'm terrified.

But, um,

I'm gonna be here for this kid no matter what.

That's great.

They don't look like sisters.

I'm thinking about breaking my celibacy.

With who?

Mick.

That's great.

You know what's weird?

If I hadn't been celibate and gotten to know Mick,

I'd probably be with John right now,

even though he's really not right for me.

Yeah.

He's not of my world, you know?

He doesn't know Homer Simpson.

Jamie, you've been with a lot of guys.

And I'm sure they all knew Homer Simpson,

and they were idiots.

Are you saying I should be with John?

I didn't say that.

Hey, you're probably making the right choice.

Mick's a goofball just like you.

[laughs]

Anyway, John, was, you know--

he was your teacher, and--

and he's kind of cerebral like Daddy.

It's probably an Oedipal thing.

Yeah, that's your territory.

Oh, yeah, right.

Are you gonna tell John?

It's Mick.

Um, yup.

Well, I saw that one coming a mile off.

You could be more disappointed.

I want you to be happy.

You could still be more disappointed.

I am. I'm crushed.

So you've got five days of celibacy left.

Uh, yeah, midnight Friday.

Any plans to celebrate?

Mm-mm, not yet.

Would you, uh, like to celebrate with me?

Celebrate how?

We could go somewhere--

separate bedrooms, of course.

One would be cheaper.

I'm pretending to be calm right now.

Blue.

[Jamie laughs]

I'm nervous.

It's not like I haven't done this before.

I thought the whole idea was that...

you hadn't done this before.

Are you nervous?

Fucking hell, yeah.

Should we lie down?

Do you want me to make the first move,

or would you like to?

You can.

What do you like?

Um, ear kissing.

Ear kissing.

Left or right?

Left.

Left?

Come here.

[laughs]

How do I look?

Blue is a very good color on you.

I like you a lot, Jamie Harris.

Um--

This, uh--

What? What's wrong?

This, uh--this--

this is weird.

It's weird.

Do you want me to stop?

Why don't you come?

Not if you're not going to.

I feel bad.

Mm.

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

Thank you.

Okay, lay back. Lay back. Lay back.

[shrieks]

Jamie, I need to know something.

What?

You're not gonna be...

off having sex with other blokes, are you?

Are--are you--

are you asking, like, for a commitment?

Yeah, I am.

I've never, uh--

Well, I mean, nobody's--

I've never done that.

Well, I don't want to be worrying

you're off with some asshole.

That would be pretty stupid

when I could be with you.

People do stupid things,

especially when there's nothing keeping them from doing them.

Okay.

Okay what?

Okay, let's do it.

Okay.

Oh, I cannot believe I just went from celibacy to monogamy

in one weekend.

Are you sure that's healthy?

Only in this case.

I need a name for a cleanser,

something like Mr. Clean.

What about Mrs. Clean?

Huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I love you.

You do?

No one's ever said that to me.

So you've--

you've never said it to anyone?

Well...

how do you feel about giving it a try?

You don't have to.

I think I can do it.

I love you.

What'd you say?

Oh, my God, guys, be careful.

Whoa!

(Laura) Where do you want this?

(Jamie) Uh, turtles, put them over there.

Mmmmmm.

Did you hear that?

I got to go to my birthing class in five minutes.

Just when I'm beating you?

Do you have to?

Tonight's the umbilical cord.

I have to learn about that.

Why? Just gonna cut it off.

Jamie!

Well, you know, I'm sorry.

You're just always thinking about the kid,

and it's not even been born yet.

Fuck, I don't think I'm ready to be a stepmother

or step-girlfriend, whatever.

I don't even know what a mother does.

You'll learn.

It's just hard

'cause you don't have a mother of your own.

[phone rings]

(Jamie) Hi, leave messages for Jamie or Mick after the beep.

You can reach Jamie at her old number

during the day.

beep!

(Mick) Hi, I have to work late.

Don't wait up for me. Bye.

[whirring]

[phone rings]

Hello.

(man) Hi, this is Mark, Mick's new assistant.

Is he there?

He's at work.

Uh, I'll get him on his cell.

Okay.

[touch tones]

[phone rings]

(Mick) Hi.

Hey. How's work?

I'm busy.

I'm the middle-- can I call you back?

Yeah, you know, don't bother.

[woman laughing]

(Grant-Lee Phillips) ♪ Save your breath. ♪

♪ Save your promises. ♪

♪ They'll be the death of you. ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey.

Your arms look good.

The casts, remember?

Zzzz!

Oh, hey. Yeah, right.

Want to get a drink?

[horn honks]

You know, I've had a crush on you, uh,

ever since--

Since I was a vegetable?

Yeah, well.

I promise--

I never acted on it.

Why not?

I can't do this.

Whoa, go ahead.

I have to go.

Where have you been?

I, um, went for a drink

after watching you finger the woman

who fucked my sister's husband.

Jamie.

I was practicing water birthing.

Sandy was in the next room with Amber's baby.

I don't understand.

Amber's become a water birthing coach.

And she's practicing with you?

And Sandy.

What?

What are--what are--

Sandy and Amber are an item.

Amber didn't want you to know yet

because she thinks you and Laura still hate her.

Where have you been?

I went for a drink--

or seven.

I can smell him.

I didn't do it.

No, no, no, no,

I didn't do it.

I couldn't.

I went there. I tried.

Oh, he was too drunk to get it up?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I just--we just made out a little bit.

I was really, really drunk, and I couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it. I'm--

Fuck.

Please.

How am I supposed to trust you?

Next time, you'll just get a little drunker and--

No, I thought you didn't love me anymore.

Well, now you've made sure of that, haven't you?

You didn't learn a thing from celibacy.

You're still fucked up,

and now you're fucking me up too.

I made a mistake.

I saw Amber. I--

Even if I was with her,

wouldn't you just yell at me or beat me up?

But no, you just went off with some bloke.

I thought you'd changed.

Laura?

What the fuck is this?

Oh, God, Jamie! Oh!

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

We meant to tell you, but it just--

we just started running together, and--

You were already with Mick.

(Grant-Lee Phillips) ♪ Oh, what a colorful lie, ♪

♪ leading me on without ever batting an eye. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ How many pecks on the cheek ♪

♪ before I get wind that I'm on a losing streak? ♪

♪ Yeah, too many for me. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Too many for me. ♪ ♪

(Mr. Harris) Jamie, you've got to eat something.

Not gonna let you--

Don't worry.

I'm not killing myself.

That's what your mother said, and I believed her.

What?

I let your mother kill herself.

You did not.

I'm the one who went off with Mary Marks

and left Mommy alone.

It is not your fault.

It's not your fault either, Daddy.

Hi, uh,

I just--I just wanted to say that, um,

you know that stuff that you said about me

about how I haven't changed?

I wanted you to know...

I've been thinking about it a lot.

[baby crying]

[people chatting]

He's the right one for her,

and she's the right one for him.

Oh, Amber, please.

[glasses clinking]

Everyone, I think it's time for a little toast,

so everyone grab a drink

and give me your ear for a minute.

Well, my father always liked to make little deals with me.

In seventh grade, it was,

"I'll give you $10 if you're home by midnight

and you don't smell like cigarettes."

[laughter]

Oh, God, this is bad.

Okay, he made a big deal today, and he, um, got married.

Let's do a toast to the newlyweds.

[knocking at door]

Dad.

Okay.

I'll give you $100

if you'll let us stay in the bedroom.

[laughter and applause]

Toast.

Cheers.

Oh, ooh, honey.

Oh, you're hungry.

How is Mick?

Uh, well,

I promised I wouldn't talk to you about him,

but since you asked, I will.

Uh, well, at least he's reading your emails,

and, uh, well, you know, he's better.

At least he's not shouting at me all the time.

He's fine, really.

She has his ears.

You think so?

(Mick) No, they're much nicer ears.

Oh, Daddy.

Come here.

(Sandy) Daddy's here.

(Mick) What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Did you miss me? Did you?

Cutie. You're so cute.

Yeah, it's a diaper change. I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Two or three years, she'll be toilet trained.

Good to see you. Cheers.

Cheers.

I love her more than I ever could have imagined.

She's taught me so much.

Yeah, like what?

Like...

I shouldn't hold it against someone

if she shits on me once in a while.

As long as she's sorry.

I am.

Me too.

I got all high and mighty,

and I couldn't let go of it.

I want us back.

I want us.

Are you sure?

Oh, um--

Shut up!

[baby crying]

She's very easy, really.

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

[soft guitar music]

(Grant-Lee Phillips) ♪ Nothing is for sure, no. ♪

♪ Sleep still in my eyes. ♪

♪ Fumbling for the door, oh. ♪

♪ She doesn't like to face the morning light. ♪

♪ Nothing is for sure, oh, ♪

♪ as I begin my day. ♪

♪ Glasses are a blur ♪

♪ as my world's about to spin the other way. ♪

♪ Spin me the other way. ♪

♪ I've got to learn not to say "always." ♪

♪ Spin me the other way. ♪

♪ People on the other half got no worries. ♪

♪ Nothing is for sure, no. ♪

♪ Sleep still in my eyes. ♪

♪ Fumbling for the door, oh. ♪

♪ She doesn't like to face the morning light. ♪

♪ Nothing is for sure, no, ♪

♪ as I begin my day. ♪

♪ Glasses are a blur ♪

♪ as my world's about to spin the other way. ♪

♪ Nothing is for sure, oh, ♪

♪ and nothing is for sure. ♪

♪ Nothing is for sure, oh, ♪

♪ and nothing is for sure. ♪

♪ Spin me the other way. ♪

♪ I got to learn not to say "always." ♪ ♪

[mellow guitar music]

♪ ♪

♪ Heavenly, heavenly. ♪

♪ What other words could I use to describe ♪

♪ the heavenly ivory touch of your hand ♪

♪ as it covers my eyes? ♪

♪ Hushing me off to sleep, ♪

♪ putting my mind at ease. ♪

♪ Lovingly, lovingly, ♪

♪ every caress that you ever gave, ♪

♪ all of you knowing me like no one else ♪

♪ at the end of the day. ♪

♪ Brushing my fears away, ♪

♪ knowing just what to say. ♪

♪ Heavenly, heavenly, heavenly. ♪ ♪