All language subtitles for Chelmsford 123 s2e02 - Get Well Soon

Ripped By mstoll

Cut off his head!

We've done it, we've done it!
It's here, Aulus, look!

- What are you talking about?
- Badvoc's head.

- Why have you brought it here?
- You said you wanted it on a platter.

Well, here it is! Look!

Well, Badvoc, you may still frighten
Aulus but you don't frighten me.

Arrrrrgh!

Arrrgh!

Aulus! Aulus!

Erm, Badvoc's...

Sorry, I must have
fallen asleep.

I see. I wasn't
boring you, was I?

- No, no, not at all.
- Well, he was boring everybody else.

As I was saying,

Chelmsford is in a
state of emergency.

If this drought continues,

everything, and I mean
everything, will dry up.

Except you, Viatorus.

If I understand this correctly, what
you're saying is that in hot weather,

water dries up.

Well, if you want to be
simplistic about it, yes.

And it's taken you five and a
half hours to tell us that.

My dear Aulus, may I remind you

that my superb civil engineering ended
the great Syrian drought disaster.

Oh yes, or as we now know it, the
great Syrian flood disaster.

It wasn't my fault. They
dammed the wrong river.

Oh, get out, Viatorus, get out!
Ah, good.

Some cool refreshing
water from the well.

- Here, Mungo, is this water from the well?
- Yeah.

- You sure?
- Positive.

That's funny. It's normally filthy.
Cheers.

Wolfbane, you're supposed
to be a clairvoyant.

- How long's this heatwave going to last?
- I'll tell you, Badvoc.

What's that for?

A pine cone is a well-known indicator
of future weather conditions.

- A pine cone?
- Yes.

A pine cone can tell
you the weather?

Yes!

What's the weather
going to be like?

Come on, you can tell me.

He's a bit shy.

- He's been a bit depressed lately.
- Ah!

Yes, I think it's the weather.

Come on.

Yes.

Yes!

I see! Right.

He says he's not sure but he thinks
it's going to be a bit on the hot side.

Brilliant I could have told
you that without a pine cone.

Oh, you've upset him now!

Down, Spike, down, boy!

Listen, Wolfbane, I'm fed... Ah.

You're a Druid. What you going
to do about this drought?

There's only one thing for it, Badvoc.
We'll have to do a rain dance.

What, in this heat? No fear!

This heat is getting worse.

Just look out there.

The citizens of Chelmsford
staggering about aimlessly.

Bodies piled high
against the walls.

People tearing their clothes off and
running berserk through the streets.

Must be pay day.

Have you no compassion? Can you find no
charity in your heart for these people?

No.

No, neither can I.

Still, it is very worrying.

The cattle are
dropping like flies.

The men are dropping like flies.

The flies seem to be doing
rather well, though.

Funny, that. Come to think of
it, I've never seen a fly drop.

Perhaps we should change that expression
to dropping like cows. What do you think?

Viatorus, Aulus will just get
paranoid and start blaming the gods.

It's the gods. They've
got it in for me.

It's probably Apollo.
He's never forgiven me.

What for?

Well, many years ago
on the feast of Apollo

I was supposed to sacrifice
an ox in his honour.

I didn't happen to have
an ox on me at the time.

So what did you use?

A carrot.

A carrot?

Well, I put two horns
on it, I mean...

But Apollo wasn't satisfied, oh no.
Now he's trying to ruin me.

I'll be a laughing
stock in Rome.

"Did you hear about Aulus
Paulinus?" They'll say.

"We put him in charge
of the wettest province

with the highest
rainfall and guess what?

Everybody died of thirst!"

Aulus, don't get so emotional.
This is a scientific problem.

Fortunately you have on your
staff a man widely acknowledged

as the finest civil
engineer in the Empire.

Why isn't he here, then?

He is!

Oh, I'm sorry, Viatorus.

I didn't recognise you
from the description.

Had you said a man
widely acknowledged

as one of the most useless
old farts in the Empire,

I might have made the
connection more easily.

I'm afraid I don't appreciate
your zany humour, Aulus.

Suffice it to say that I have
formulated a simple yet brilliant plan

to end this drought
scientifically.

Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain!

Rain! Rain! Rain! Rain!

Rain and rain and rain and rain!

- And R - A

- I - N

?? Come on, rain!

No, it's not working. You must
be doing something wrong.

Right, from the top, and remember,
plenty of tits and teeth. Right!

Hang on, hang on,
Wolfbane, Wolfbane,

Shouldn't we be doing
this rain dance outside?

- No! What if it worked? We'd get soaked!
- Good point.

- Right, from the top then.
- No, stop, stop, stop.

I've been thinking.

We didn't have a heatwave till
the Romans came here, right?

The Romans come from Rome which is
a hot place. They're used to heat.

You see what they've done?

They've transported their
hot weather over here

to kill us off so they can
have Britain to themselves.

No, you can't shift
weather round like that.

"You can't shift weather..." Mungo,
you are stuck in the Stone Age.

You've got to think
second century.

They're transporting their
weather over here in sacks.

How do they transport hot
sunny days in sacks?

I'm sorry but they do call
me Mungo the Inquisitive.

- Why's that?
- Why is that? That is fascinating.

Listen, we're living in a scientific age.
Things move on.

You know, I predict that one day
they'll even have a man on the moon.

Don't be daft! Man on the moon!

- Moon's too small.
- What?

I've seen it at night!
It's only that big!

"The moon's too small." Idiot!

They'd get small
men, wouldn't they?

It's all very well talking about
putting a man on the moon.

But you still can't get through
to directory enquiries, can you?

What did you say, Blag?

I don't know. I just had
one of my hot flushes.

Let's go and see Aulus, see what
he's going to do about this drought.

He's a man of science.

Rain and rain and rain and rain!

- R - A

I...

No, it's not going to work.
Once more from the top.

Are you sure this is right?

My dear Aulus, this is the state of
the art in meteorological technology.

I think we'll sacrifice that ox.

- We haven't got any.
- What do you mean?

Chelmsford is famous for its ox.

You can't move for
bloody ox in Chelmsford.

Should be called Oxford,
never mind Chelmsford.

- What exactly is a chelm anyway?
- Shut up!

It's quite simple. All you need to
do is to sacrifice a substitute ox.

A what?

You know, some equally large,
lumbering, dumb animal.

Evening!

Thank you, Apollo!

Listen, Aulus, this drought
is a national disaster.

You must do something.

Badvoc, I am well aware
of the current situation.

Look, this is the last drinking
water we have here in Chelmsford.

Now, as a token of
our friendship,

I suggest that you
and I share it.

No, I won't drink this water.

There are people who need
this water more than I do.

- Cheers.
- Get off.

Aulus, I have walked here through streets
lined with farmers whose crops have failed.

Ordinary citizens who
cannot feed their families.

Young people, old people,
gasping for a drop of water.

They look to me their
leader to help them.

They're my people, Aulus, so how can I sit
here and drink the last water in the land?

I must think of my people.

I must put my people first.

Well said, Badvoc.

- The people.
- The people.

Badvoc! Badvoc, wake up, Badvoc!

- Who is it?
- It's me, Wolfbane.

- Let me light the torch.
- No, don't! This is top secret.

- What do you want?
- I got something to show you.

Let me light the torch.

No, we don't want anyone
else to see this.

- What is it?
- It's a map.

Oh yes, of course

It's got that familiar mappy rustle
all maps have in total blackness.

Your eyes will get used to the dark
in a minute. Have you seen this?

- Oh yes, Wolfbane. Have you seen this?
- What?

Argh! Argh!

- Now can we light the torch?
- All right.

- What's all the noise about?
- I've made a fantastic discovery.

This is a map of Chelmsford
before the Romans came.

Now, if you look very carefully,
you can just the word "well".

Well?

Well!

Well, well!

Well, well, well, well, well!

- You see what this means?
- Yeah, there are ten wells!

No. No, one well!

Unfortunately it's 12 feet
below Aulus's front room.

- Ah, so we've got to ask Aulus if...
- No, no. We don't tell Aulus.

- This is British water.
- Oh, right, so we get to drink the lot.

No, no, Badvoc.

With respect, in business terms
you're being very naive.

It would be a waste to drink it.

What we do is sell this water back
to the Romans and we all get rich.

Wouldn't we all die of thirst?

You don't succeed in business
without taking risks.

So what we need is a plan.

I've got it.

We go up to Aulus's villa
in the dead of night.

We shimmy up the
wall of the villa

with picks, ropes, buckets, shovels and
other items of excavating equipment.

We get on to the tiled roof,
dig a hole in the roof,

lower ourselves into
the front room.

We dismantle Aulus's priceless
ornate mosaic floor,

dig away the soil, hack
our way through the

rock and rubble, finally
reaching the well.

We take out all the water we need
in the buckets, put back the rocks,

shift back the soil, replace the
priceless ornate mosaic floor,

hoist ourselves back
up on to the roof,

we repair the hole in the roof, shimmy
back down the side of the villa,

and straight back here without attracting
the attention of Aulus or his guards.

It's so simple it
just might work.

Well, as much as I'd like to
stay up chatting all night,

I really should be going.

Pardon?

Or perhaps I'll just get a couple
of porcupines, lift up your toga

and shove 'em where
the sun don't shine.

Actually, Aulus, there is something
I've been meaning to tell you.

I'm pregnant and you're
definitely the father.

Hmm?

- I said I'm going to bed.
- Oh, right, yes.

I'm not tired. It's too hot. I'll
just sit up here and think a while.

Oh, the bloody drought!

Get me up, quick! Get me up!

Aulus is still there. He
hasn't gone to bed yet.

You didn't tell him about
the well, did you?

No, no, I just said, "Sorry to
drop in unannounced, Aulus.

Any time you want a go on
my rope, give us a shout."

I didn't speak to him, you prat!

We'll just have to sit up
here until he's gone to bed.

Still, it's a lovely
moon up there.

Whenever I sense the delicate glow
from her gently smiling face,

my heart fills with
feelings of love and joy.

That pure white light
spells mystery

and suggests moments
of secret pleasure.

And it's then, then when I see the moon
in all her glorious, radiant beauty,

then I feel like
shagging fat Blodwen.

I didn't know you was
a romantic, Wolfbane.

Oh yes, it's my Celtic blood.

If this plan doesn't work we're
going to be seeing lots of it.

Sorry.

It's the moon.

The moon has a strange
effect on me.

- I feel like a wolf.
- I'm a bit peckish myself.

I suppose I better go to bed.

Don't think much is going
to happen tonight anyway.

Quick, come on, down! We
haven't got all night!

- Quickly!
- Aulus!

- I don't believe it. Up, up!
- Aulus!

Aulus!

Aulus! Aulus! Wake up, Aulus!
Wake up, wake up!

What? What?

I've just come from the map room.
One of the maps has been stolen.

What?

A map of ancient Chelmsford has
been stolen from the map room!

That's very peculiar,
Grasientus.

We've got a map room?

- Bet it's one of Badvoc's men.
- Grasientus, something puzzles me.

You mean why they want to steal
a map of old Chelmsford?

No, what you were doing in the map
room at three in the morning.

Ah yes, erm...

Well, apart from the maps I also
keep certain literature in there

which I browse through
often before retiring.

You mean the ones depicting
scenes from pastoral Greece.

Yes.

The ones showing shepherds
and shepherdesses

doing what shepherds
and shepherdesses do

when they're not
shepherding their sheep?

The very same.

So what's in this map room then?

- Well, apart from the...
- Greek porno.

Yes, that. Erm... a few maps.

- How many?
- One.

- And it's been stolen.
- It's appalling.

Well, Grasientus, we are faced
with the most serious problem.

Namely, what do we now
call the map room?

That's it. That's it.

Have you any idea who may have
stolen this map, Grasientus?

Well, we did think it was one
of the Britons but quite why...

It's very puzzling.

Terrible smell in here.

Sort of sweaty armpits.

Come on, Blag. Let's
start digging.

Right, give me a shovel.

Somebody must have
brought a shovel.

So where is this shovel shop?

So what time does the
shovel shop open?

Come on, get a move on, Wolfbane,
we haven't got all day. Dig!

There is only so fast I can
go using my bare hands.

What I need is a large
excavating implement.

Why don't you use your mouth?

Look, get back in that hole and don't
come up till you've struck water.

Badvoc, Wolfbane keeps
hitting me with the soil!

Well, why don't you move?

I can't move from Chelmsford.
My mum's getting on. Friends.

All right, Blag.

Look, Wolfbane, can
you see anything?

Badvoc, I'd like a wor...

What... have you done to my
priceless ornate mosaic floor?

Aulus, Aulus, is that really you?
Can I touch you?

It is you! You're alive!

You're safe! He's safe! Mungo, he's safe!
He's alive! Thank God!

We heard you were kidnapped
by Belgian terrorists.

And buried alive under your own floor.
Didn't we, Mungo?

And hacked to pieces and
your heart ripped out.

- Just buried.
- Oh yeah, just buried.

We rushed round to dig you out.

Our prayers have been
answered cos here you are.

And with that happy knowledge we'll bid
you good night, Aulus. Good night, Aulus.

No sign of any water
down here, not a drop.

Dry as a... Aulus.

- Er, Wolfbane, it was you who...
- Badvoc. Badvoc.

- Don't even attempt it.
- The...

We were looking for water that
will save us from this drought.

We didn't tell you cos we
thought it would be a surprise.

Oh, it was a surprise
all right, yes.

When I came back just
now and saw you three

peering into a massive great
hole in my mosaic floor,

my brain, believe it or
not, registered surprise.

We were convinced there was a well here.
It says so on the map.

That's the stolen map!
Where did you get this?

I got it from the
Greek porno room.

Look, clearly says on this
site there is a well.

"Site of ancient wall."

- Wall?
- Wall.

Wall.

Wall?

You know what this
means, don't you?

Yeah, there are five
walls and ten wells!

I don't know what you're all talking about.
W-A-L-L spells well in my book.

- What book is that?
- Spulling For Begunners.

What do you propose to do
about my mosaic floor?

I kept all the bits. We can
put them back together again.

It's easy when you
get the corners.

Be something to do on
those long winter nights.

It's completely destroyed!

Oooooh! Arrrrrgh!

Arrrrrgh!

What did you do just then?

I did er...

Oooooh!

Eeeeeee! Arrrrrgh!

That's it! The rain dance!

Aulus has got it!
Come on, everybody.

Oooooooh! Arrrrrrrrgh! Eeeeeeee!

Oooooooh! Arrrrrrgh! Eeeeeeee!

It's raining!

- Badvoc?
- Yeah?

- It's raining!
- I know, it's fantastic!

In my dining room!

Aulus, you know what the
problem is, don't you?

- What?
- You got a bloody great hole in your roof.

Thanks, Mungo.

My brother's a roofer.
I'll give you his card.

Aulus! Aulus! I did it!
I did it!

Rain! Rain!

I did this.

I beg to differ, Aulus.
It was me!

Very well, Viatorus, and how did
you bring on the rain then?

Well, I simply declared
today a bank holiday!

Yes! Ripped By mstoll