Original subtitles

God, this must be the worst job in the empire, Ripped By mstoll

delivering the governor's mail.

I wouldn't mind if there was anything worth delivering,

but 2,000 miles for one poxy letter.

I bet it's a bill.

It's gotta be the worst job going.

Mind you, it's not as bad as being chief wall scraper in the vomitorium.

Had a couple of years doing that. That was pretty bad.

Then I was a bollock catcher in the eunuch factory.

Knowing my luck, I'll probably end up as governor of Belgium.

- Here, Mungo.

- What? - See your wheel's broke.

- Thank you very much. - You need a spare one.

Yes, I know. Thank you.

Actually, I've got one underneath this load of horse manure.

Don't think you could see your way clear to helping me dig it out, do you?

I'd love to, but I'm rather busy just now,

being a shepherd, like, having me flock to guard.

You haven't got a flock.

Well, it's only me first day.

Britain? What a dump. I don't know why we bothered invading the place.

I tell you, it's worse than being in Syracuse on cat-juggling Tuesday.

It's these bloody British roads. They're lethal.

Why can't they be straight like proper roads?

If there was anything round that corner, we'd be right in the sh...

Excuse me, you didn't see a spare wheel while you were in there, did you?

You insolent barbarians! You shall pay for this.

What's your name?

They call me Mungo the Evasive.

- Why's that? - Who wants to know?

A wit. Well, tell me this.

If you Brits are so smart,

why do you build your roads with so many bends in them?

Makes it easier to go round corners.

That's good.

Evasive.

Sex, Aulus! Unfettered, brazen sex.

Not just now, Grasientus. I've got a headache.

The men. They're at it all the time.

Badvoc has set up a brothel somewhere

to exploit our soldiers and undermine our discipline.

50 sesterces for an hour of depraved sex.

That is bad, yes. It was only 25 when I was a boy.

It's all part of Badvoc's plan. He's destroying us bit by bit.

Sapping our energy, riddling us with disease.

There are women out there with naked bodies concealed beneath their clothes.

Bodies with thrusting breasts,

lean, firm buttocks,

long, shapely legs...

Well, don't stop there, Grasientus.

There are scenes of indescribable lust and debauchery.

- How do you know all of this? - I've seen them with my own eyes.

- What? - The rumours.

I've seen the rumours. Heard them with my own eyes, ears.

I've heard the ears with my own rumours.

Is there any point to this drivel, Grasientus?

Don't you see, Aulus?

It's all part of the British plan to weaken us and then revolt.

And when they do attack, where will the Roman army be?

- Up to its nuts in British... - Yes, all right, Grasientus.

I take your point. I'll pass a law.

Anyone found running an unruly house or den of vice

will be fined or hanged or both.

You word it, I'll sign it.

- Now, where's my post? - I'm afraid the post hasn't arrived.

No post again? What's wrong with this country.

You got a spare two weeks, I'll tell you.

Roads, that's what we need. Good, well-made Roman roads.

If men are so keen on laying, they can lay some roads.

That's rather good, isn't it?

I'm punning in British.

I'm sorry?

Well, you see, there's laying and there's...

Doesn't matter.

Welcome to the finest brothel this side of Colchester.

What do you think?

- Marvellous. - She's only the cleaner.

I mean, this place isn't just a leg-over joint.

I see it as more of a leisure emporium, a sort of health and fitness spa

where men can take exercise or discuss the important issues of the day.

It's a...

a sort of gymnasium.

It's a haven of tranquillity. It's a...

- Leg-over joint. - It's a leg-over joint, yeah.

And for our very modest fee, if you join, you can enjoy, for example,

the delights of Enid.

There you are, after a hard day killing Britons,

there's a lovely place to get your head down.

I see. Somewhere to put your feet up.

No, that's Gwyneth upstairs.

Enid, actually, is one of our most sought-after playmates.

She specialises in Greek lyric odes,

Germanic love ballads and blow jobs.

Through here is the...

As you're all well aware, I have been designing roads now

all over the empire with considerable success, if you'll excuse my modesty.

Now, this particular road has posed many difficult yet challenging problems,

but the design I've come up with copes adequately therewith

and takes into consideration the economic and topographical feasibilities

and is, and I say this without any vain glory, like all great architecture,

the perfect marriage of the aesthetic and the functional,

the sensuous and the pragmatic...

You've done us a straight line again, haven't you?

Well, straight is an emotionally toned word.

Come on, Viatorus.

You've done another of those boring old straight lines from A to B, haven't you?

Well, certainly it has no bends... as such.

But, then again, what is a bend?

As Zeno the philosopher was wont to say...

- Show me the plans. - Careful, careful.

This design has taken me weeks of calculation and planning.

- Show me! - Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Surprise, surprise.

It's worked before. Don't change a winning format.

- How much do we pay you? - It's my trademark.

Straight is great.

Curvy is pervy.

Marcus, come and meet my entertainments director.

Pleased to meet you, Marcus. The call me Mungo the Procrastinator.

- Why's that? - I'll tell you tomorrow.

This is Blag.

Hello, Marcus.

He isn't one of the playmates, is he?

Oh, no, no, no. Mind you, if you wanted a quick half hour with Blag,

we could arrange something.

- No, thanks, not for me. - I see. Girls only, is it?

Well, humans only.

He's very sensitive is Blag.

Does he always smell of horse manure?

Oh, no, no. Some days he smells terrible.

Blag, relief massage in number 14.

No, Marcus, I'm sure you'll find this is a month's salary very well spent.

Listen, Badvoc, the governor's cutting down on places like this.

- If he finds out I've been... - There's no need to worry.

This is in a deserted village miles from anywhere.

It's a remote backwater of no interest to anyone.

- What's it called? - Romford.

- Never heard of it. - Exactly.

Besides, it's not just your ordinary soldier we get in here.

Some of the governor's personal friends are regular visitors to this place.

- No. - Yeah.

The governor's best mate, Functio, practically lives here.

- But he's a married man. - So?

He tells his wife he's on night manoeuvres,

and he's not lying, I can tell you.

Now, before you go, Marcus, have you got any of these diseases?

- Certainly not. - Good.

You soon will have.

Nothing stands in the way of our new road

except an insignificant abandoned settlement about here called Romford,

which we can easily knock down without any local opposition.

We have to be very, very careful.

The Brits object to us knocking down their homes.

You'd think they'd pay us.

I'll call in Functio. He's a level-headed fellow.

If ever you want a calm and rational opinion about anything at all,

Functio's your man.

Functio!

Ah, now, Romford.

I've never been there.

Who told you? It's a lie.

I'm a happily married man.

Don't mention Romford to anyone, please, Aulus, I beg you.

Never mention Romford, not Romford!

It's an awful place.

There, there. Functio, it's all right.

In fact, we're thinking of pulling it down.

Oh, good.

Not Romford?

You mustn't pull it down.

Oh, my God!

Lovely, lovely, Romford.

Oh, my dear old Romford.

Oh, Romford.

And so, great Emperor, work on the wall continues apace.

It will without doubt stand out in the empire

as one of our finest

and biggest... erections.

- Will that be all, Governor? - Hm?

Uh, yes, Gargamadua.

Please, call me Aulus.

- Aulus. - Gargamadua.

What a charming name.

I've often rolled it around my tongue.

- What does it mean? - Snot bucket.

Does it? How exquisite.

Well, Snot... Well, Gargamadua,

you shouldn't be performing these menial tasks.

You should be doing something much more appropriate

to a girl of your abilities and obvious charms.

What sort of thing did you have in mind?

Well, what sort of thing can you do?

Well, people have said I'm very good with my hands.

Have they?

And there's one thing I do particularly well.

- And what's that? - Aulus!

My God, that's brilliant. A ventriloquist?

- It's Badvoc. - I know, it's just like him.

- It's wonderful. - No, he's coming.

I'm promised to him. He'll kill me if he finds me here. Where can I hide?

- Don't be ridiculous. - He'll kill you as well.

Get behind the curtain.

Aulus, what the bloody hell is going on?

- What? - This road you're planning to build.

Oh, the road.

Do you realise it goes right through the middle of Romford?

- Yes, I'm aware of that. - A place of natural beauty.

Four shacks by a swamp, according to my information.

One of those shacks, Mr Governor, happens to be an old people's home.

An old people's home.

Those old people will suffer if you turn them out of their home.

Have you ever seen old people suffering? Have you?

I'll show you old people suffering. Blag, Mungo.

Ow! Ow!

That's old people suffering.

Do you want that on your conscience, Mr Governor?

These people will be rehoused in better and cleaner accommodation

nearer Chelmsford.

- Oh, thank you. - Shut up, you bloody wrinklies!

Clear off. Messing up the governor's office like that.

Badvoc, why this sudden interest in Romford?

Aulus, I beg you.

- Nay, I command you... - Don't you command me.

All right, I'll go back to begging you.

Aulus, I beg you, do not destroy that village.

- Why not? - Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

Uh, Functio. Tell him why not.

- Why not what? - Why he can't destroy Romford.

Because it's a place of natural beauty.

- Uh-uh. - The old people's home.

- Ah, yes, the shrine. - The shrine?

- The shrine. - The shrine.

- What shrine? - What shrine?

The shrine... to the great god.

Uh, thingy.

Thingy. The great god Thingy.

Whose shrine must never be disturbed

lest he visit our tribe with plagues and boils.

- And pestilence. - And storms.

- And earthquakes. - And some more storms just in case.

- And Badvoc is the high priest. - Eh?

Oh, yes. Oh, great Thingy on high, all seeing Thingy who sees all...

Yes, all right. Obviously I'll have to think about it.

I've thought about it and the road still goes through Romford. Now, you, out.

- You haven't heard the last of this. - Yes, yes, yes.

- You just wait till the great god... - Thingy.

Thingy visits you with boils.

Don't come grovelling to me for forgiveness.

Or boil cream.

Have they gone?

- Ah. - Ah. Uh...

- Functio, this is... - Yes, I know.

Hello, Gargamadua.

She's been behind the curtain.

Cleaning it.

Cleaning the back of the curtain.

They get filthy, the backs of these curtains.

That looks fine to me. Thank you very much. That looks fine.

Thank you. Thank you. Fine.

Yes, well, I'll be off, then.

I've just remembered some important business I have to attend to.

Badvoc.

I hope Badvoc doesn't find out.

Well, what would he do?

Well, he'd probably...

Really? With a mackerel?

Six miles, 385 yards. Good.

It... It does look...

straight to you, does it?

Good, good. Onwards.

- Oh. - Yeah? What do you want?

Your house is in the way of our new road, I'm afraid.

Eh? I'm not budging for no Roman road.

My family's lived here for hundreds of years,

long before you lot come over here, with your new roads and so forth.

Over my dead body.

Can we get on, please?

Ah!

Gargamadua.

Some people are born great.

Others achieve greatness.

But tonight, Gargamadua, you're gonna have greatness thrust upon you.

Can you smell something? A sort of rancid butter smell with rotting flesh?

Ah, Grasientus, that explains it.

Look at this profile, Grasientus. One day this head will be on a coin.

Have to be a very big coin.

Aren't there some children you can go and frighten somewhere?

- Work has stopped on the new road. - Why?

Because if you want to knock down Romford,

the Brits insist on appeasing the local god Thingy by sacrificing a virgin.

So what's the delay? Trying to find one, I suppose.

Look, Grasientus, I'm expecting my massage any minute,

so you get back to that road and tell them to get on with their sacrifice.

I want that road busy with traffic by the end of the week.

- And then, Grasientus... - What?

I want you to go and lie on it.

- Your massage is here. - Oh.

Gargamadua.

You little temptress.

Come, take me. I'm all yours!

Do you want a massage first?

What the hell are you doing here? Where's Gargamadua?

Oh, she's down at the road being sacrificed.

What? It's unbelievable.

Gargamadua? She's not a virgin, is she?

It come as a surprise to quite a few of us, actually.

Look, you're gonna have to be a bit patient,

cos this is me first time as a masseur.

I used to be a shepherd, but I got a bit peckish at lunchtime

and ate me job.

You oaf!

Functio, this is monstrous!

I don't know. It could catch on.

And so, Romans, Britons, friends...

having averted the senseless slaughter

of a young British maiden, I would like to...

Yes, I would like to.

Propose this new design for the Chelmsford Road.

It's got a bend in it.

Yes, in order to preserve the holy town of Romford,

we have built a road which now passes by the town,

and henceforth this stretch of road will be called the Romford Passby.

You've ruined me.

A Roman road with a bend in it?

I'll be the laughing stock of the empire.

Viatorus the Bender they'll call me.

Come, come, Viatorus. Bendy is trendy.

I resign! I'm going back to Rome.

Good. Out of the door, turn right, straight line for 2,000 miles.

I didn't know it was fancy dress.

Aulus, we salute thee.

Thee what has saved

the holy town of Romford,

with its sacred shrine to the great god...

- Thingy? - Thingy.

In fact, Functio and I are off there now

for an evening of...

Thingy. Quiet contemplation.

Badvoc, in your capacity as the high priest of the great god, uh...

- Thingy. - Yes.

I think I should tell you, that whilst my men were in Romford,

they discovered a brothel.

No!

There were young girls who exposed their bodies shamelessly.

They gently manipulated themselves, rubbing olive oil on their breasts,

lingering tantalisingly over their nipples,

which they circled like this until they stood brazenly erect.

This is all hearsay, you realise.

And apparently there was a woman writhing on the floor with a snake.

- A snake? - Must have been Tuesday.

- What? - This is most disturbing, Aulus.

Yes. Well, in order to preserve the sanctity of Romford,

I had the brothel pulled down.

Good.

Why the glum faces, gentlemen?

- We are moved. - We're overcome...

with holiness.

- And purity. - Good, I'm pleased.

I think in thousands of years, posterity will thank me

for sparing the holiness of Romford,

where the faithful can go and contemplate amongst its hallowed places.

Romford will be a serene place,

with sacred groves and holy shrines.

Romford will have exquisite arbours, ponds of the purist water,

lush meadows, crystal clear streams,

leafy orchards, marble temples.

Romford will have everything.

Will it have a dog track?

Say what you like about these Romans, they can build a road.

Nice and wide, two lanes so carts can get by either side.

Yeah.

Here, what's this?

Looks like a Roman chariot coming down the wrong side the road.

Yeah, I know what it is.

Oi! Get over! Get over to the left!

Over to your right!

- Left! Left! - Left!

- Over to your right! - Get over to the left!

- Right! - Left!

- Right! Ripped By mstoll