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(Getranscribeerd door TurboScribe. Upgrade naar Onbeperkt om dit bericht te verwijderen.) Hello

and

welcome to my lecture.

They told us we'd feel better if only

we'd talk about it.

Well, we did talk about it.

We don't feel any better.

If anything, we feel worse.

Before, we thought it was just us.

35- to 54-year-old men, the

grumpiest generation in history.

But since nobody's been taking any notes of

anything we say for years, we didn't expect

anyone to do anything about it.

They didn't.

Now we know it's not just us.

Now we know that most of the population

is every bit as grumpy as we are.

But we want to know why nobody has

done anything about all the things that hack

us off.

And heaven knows there's enough of them.

It's every single thing, every single aspect of

your life.

You can't eat that egg, you can't eat

that steak, you can't drive there, you can't

do this, you can't do that.

It drives me up the wall.

Do you know we can't give anybody aspirins

in this flinking restaurant?

We can't give people headache pills.

I get up in the morning now and

wait for the phone to ring from some

government office telling me when I can have

my first shit.

The worst thing about mass travel is that

the masses travel.

The holidays are complete torture.

You think, everybody's roasting and dogging except for

me.

Do you examine your balls?

No, never.

Exactly.

There are better things to do with your

balls.

I don't put my finger up my bottom,

thank you.

I've been six days without a cigarette and

frankly I could tear your fucking head off.

So, it's that time of the year again.

You're back from your holidays and back to

that dreadful grinding routine that makes up our

daily lives.

Every day you seem more and more out

of step with the rest of the world.

They're going east and you're going west.

And while most of your life it was

clearly everyone else on the planet who was

facing the wrong way, these days you're not

quite so sure.

It's the same old set of jackasses in

the office.

You'd like to tell them to stick the

job where the sun doesn't shine but your

endowment mortgage has crashed and the pension has

evaporated.

The holidays were an irritation from start to

finish.

What with the kids, the hotel, the food

and other people.

Came down in buckets where you were.

And you arrived home to find postcards from

all the people you hate.

Telling of sunny days and fun-filled nights.

Everything that anybody does seems designed to make

you even grumpier.

Or is it just me?

So, this being a television programme and it

being after nine we should of course be

talking about sex.

It's everywhere.

Every TV programme.

Every advertising billboard.

Every high street.

You can buy vibrators over the counter at

Boots now.

Every newspaper you pick up is full of

stories about overpaid and oversexed footballers or ways

to enhance your orgasm.

It's gay this and four in a bed

that.

And we're reading about all this over our

breakfast table.

Over our Golden Grahams, for heaven's sake.

I've reached an age now where I can

think of so many more interesting things than

anybody's sex life.

Honestly, I just can't...

It's like, what position are they doing it

in?

Well, I've done that.

I've tried that.

I've been there.

I've had that.

You kind of think, what...

Why is it such a big deal anymore?

Why does oral sex have to be performed?

Other sex acts, you can do them or

have them or share them with a friend.

But oral sex must be performed.

All right, love, from the top.

If you believed the media, that sex, you'd

assume that everybody in the world was having

more sex in you more often and better

sex.

There's never any middle range in these things,

is there?

No-one just went home and had quite

nice sex and that was it.

No.

Eight times a night.

He was an animal in bed.

Or he was absolutely useless in bed.

They never say, you know, Oh, I met

that Roy McGrath in a hotel.

He took me back to his room.

We had disappointing, mediocre sex for up to

three minutes.

And then he switched on Ceefax to see

if there were any Arsenal news.

Which is, of course, what happens in real

life.

And the worst thing of all is the

internet.

Responding to the most innocent enquiry with a

worldwide cesspit of vile sleaze.

I was looking yesterday for a bite for

my daughter.

Rally chopper bite.

She's looking at my shoulder.

Straight in there.

She's going, I don't want one of those.

He's got his willy in her mouth.

What I think has happened has been a

kind of sexual inflation.

Back in the 50s, Naughty Vicar runs off

with Starlet.

That is really titillating and gets people in

their flannel 90s very, very excited on a

Sunday morning.

Then it has to get a bit more

explicit through the 60s and 70s and it

does and the sun arrives, naked breasts appear

and everybody is excited about that.

And with every move, people become jaded.

And so you have to push further and

further.

It has to be kind of lesbian three

-in-a-bed S&M action before anybody

will even raise an eyebrow now.

There's a fruit fly that makes one sperm

twice as long as its own body.

Why doesn't the sun pick up on this

stuff?

What's all this rubbish about David Beckham?

It's much more interesting than footballers.

But for certain over-the-hill footballers, as

for our grumpies, sex has become almost exclusively

a spectator sport.

The latest thing is watching other people having

sex in cars, giving a few sad souls

a whole new reason to take the dog

for a walk.

There's been places near where I've lived where

all this dogging goes on, where people drive

up to car parks and watch one another

having sex in cars or joining in.

Now, I never knew about it when I

lived there.

I've only read about it when people have

been caught doing it by the police and

I've read it in the paper.

I thought, well, that car park was where

I used to live.

Dogging and roasting, those are horrible words and

they're revolting activities, aren't they?

I mean, I don't know how they think

this stuff up, really.

I mean, what's wrong with just sex?

Dogging is just a new word for...

Dogging?

No, no, that's...

You were doing that ages...

Orgies.

Orgies used to be the thing.

Used to be.

And now it's just al fresco.

Yeah, it's just al fresco.

It's used to top gears, make them do

it in cars.

It's you saying this car would rip the

knicker elastic off a Belgian nun.

And they're all out there watching each other

have each other in Vauxhall Vectors.

What a dog!

So, if you feel inspired by Top Gear

to go out for a bit of dogging,

you'll need one of these.

Man's best friend, supposedly.

And if you're as miserable as some of

our grumpies, he's probably your only friend.

But what were the food bills, the doggy

toys, the vet bills, the inoculations, the doggy

dentist, the hairs on the carpet?

Even that relationship is wearing a bit thin.

The thing about dog owners is they don't

realise that dogs smell.

And they say, oh, they only smell when

they get wet and dirty.

No, no, they don't.

They smell all the time.

You walk into a house where there's a

dog and you can smell it.

Pets are lovely, especially when they're young and

fluffy.

When they get old and smelly, then they're

not too clever.

A bit like humans, really.

Dogs will sniff your arse and cats will

show you theirs.

And, to be honest, in neither case can

you get a decent conversation.

Now, if a man laid a pile of

steaming turd on the grass or pavement in

front of you, cleaned his own bottom, then

came bounding up to you, attempting to lick

your face, you'd waste the bastard.

And any jury in the land would call

it justifiable homicide.

So why on earth do we accept it

from dogs?

I'm sick to death of those selfish people

who allow their dogs to crap all over

a nice park and walk away from it.

You know, somebody's got to clear it up.

I never cleared the crap up.

I never cleared the crap up.

I always used to blame it on other

dogs.

I wouldn't go around crapping in the park.

Well, not during daylight hours.

And if I did, I'd be ashamed and

clear it up.

But these dogs are just going everywhere, aren't

they?

When you see some sort of perfectly nice,

reasonable-looking man or woman smiling with adoration

as their pet actually defecates right outside your

front door, and quite often looking up as

if, you know, you're going to applaud this.

I mean, we wouldn't do it with our

children.

If I see a dog crapping outside my

house, I go out and I kick it

up the arse.

Or I'll get a bucket of water and

I'll throw it over it.

You do see a lot of people picking

it up now.

I don't know whether they're people just going

around, you know, picking up dog shit and

taking it home and going, look at that.

Got a new one today.

Look at that.

It's dried out nicely.

Do you take your pet to the park?

Yeah.

What park?

Kensington Gardens.

With a pooper scooper?

Of course not.

You just leave the crap on the ground?

It doesn't crap.

I specifically asked for one that doesn't crap.

I spent the last nine years living in

the dog shit capital of the world.

Brussels.

And when it rains in Brussels, it's kind

of Bee Movie rain.

It comes straight down.

And I said to people complaining about the

rain, hey, hey, don't complain about the rain

in Brussels.

It shows there is a merciful God.

Because if we didn't get the streets washed

repeatedly by the rain, we'd all be dead

of dog shit.

Well, I know we said that dogs crapping

in public was the worst thing, but as

usual, there's an even worse thing than that.

And you know what it is, don't you?

Yes, that's right.

It's dogs who pick you out in a

crowd and decide you are something they want

to copulate with.

Dogs have two attitudes towards me.

They either want to kill me or they

want to have sex with me.

Neither of which is an option that I

particularly welcome.

How could they mistake that for a bitch?

My Trevor, he's a golden retriever and he's

had his snip.

And he still tries to mount things.

I wonder if he's got a brain sometimes.

We had some people for lunch just yesterday,

brought their dog and it did this, the

whole lunch.

It's incredibly lifelike, you really are like a

big dog.

How annoying is that?

I eventually said to the father, the owner

of this thing, if that dog comes near

me I'm going to stick this fork in

its eye.

I love dog owners because they have this

absolutely total idea that you love their dogs

as much as they do.

So that thing, he's only playing when he's

biting my leg off.

And lest we should be accused of singling

out dogs for our grumping.

Cats do this thing, they bring in rats

and let them go and then they can't

catch them again.

And people say, oh it's a present for

you.

Well the cat knows what I eat, I

eat pizza and sandwiches I don't eat fucking

voles.

I just think there's something a bit sick

about people owning pets.

I could be offending a lot of people

now.

The son has got his hat on Hip

hip hip hooray The son has got his

hat on And he's got his hat on

With all these irritations everywhere we look it's

important for grumpies to get away from it

all.

A couple of weeks in the summer to

leave behind all those cares and woes which

tyrannise us the other 50 weeks of the

year.

Something you can look forward to all the

year round.

Family holiday Mum and dad are mooning aimlessly

along the sea front in the bad weather

with the 15 year old girl who's sulking

and would rather be having sex with the

waiter, which he will be doing later and

getting in trouble.

The boy who just wants to be at

home with his playstation.

People have holidays and they shouldn't do it

really.

And the planning of it and the reality

sort of like throwing sort of strops and

buggering off, you know jumping out of the

car and saying I'm not coming back I'm

going home.

I once went to Brittany with my wife

we got there, got off the boat, looked

at it turned around and came straight back

just the sight of one Frenchman looking in

an electrical appliance shop I knew I didn't

want to be there.

Home I came.

I've never really been on holiday.

I went once with my wife and we

both hated it.

We wanted to be home as soon as

possible.

My holiday would be me on my own

somewhere where I didn't know anybody.

So the plane is due to take off

at a civilised 9am.

What they don't tell you is that that

means check in at 6 which means leaving

your house at 4.30 which means waking

up at 3.30 the suitcases won't close

you've lost the tickets the taxi is late

and when you get there you'll find there's

a 4 hour delay so you hit the

bar for a pint of warm lager.

Everything associated with air travel is a pain

in the arse and it's because airline companies

need to treat you like an imbecile you

have to turn up hours and hours before

you need to just so they can have

you there so they can herd you around

like lemmings or sheep.

I absolutely just abhor all the travelling part

of travel I mean I really still do

enjoy getting there and seeing new things but

it just gets worse and worse.

They've cut the price so much they can

do those things like charm, efficiency, punctuality getting

your luggage there all those things, the fiver

that you pay for the it just covers

getting you there.

Horrible.

I was lucky because we got upgraded to

sitting down.

When you go to an airport and the

woman arrives with a huge bloody great pram

and the hostess is all smiling lovely, we'll

do it up for him, we'll look after

it, that's fine and it all goes on

the plane.

I got my golf clubs on an advertised

golfing holiday with this airline and they charged

me 40 quid to put me clubs on

the fucking plane.

It's unbelievable.

The secret is to put wheels on the

golf clubs and strap a kid to it

and then you get them off there for

nothing.

There's always someone who gets on the plane

late, isn't there?

They've missed their call and that means you've

missed you've taken off your gap.

I'm always the one who gets clapped when

I come on board because I can't stand

sitting in a lounge waiting to get on

the plane with everyone isn't it funny, everyone

jumps up at the same time the plane's

not going to go without you your bags

are on board, just wait.

I saw a bloke on a plane, he

was just revolting he was shouting about West

Ham the whole time and he had a

fag, the bastard which I couldn't do and

he was arrested on arrival of course.

And some had a food I mean it's

like being married isn't it it's absolute shit

I mean if you talk about health warnings

and health and safety they should tell you

what some of it is it really is

unbelievable.

What is this whole seat back in the

upright position bollocks.

We're going to crash, we're going to crash

I want to crash leading back And why

is it that when you take your seat

you're always the one who's going to be

sitting next to the first time flyer the

sweaty sumo wrestler or worse than any of

these the proud parent When you get onto

a plane now and the mother, or the

father I suppose for that matter comes down

the aisle with the newborn baby I'd stamp

on it Why?

And they go It's going to scream and

we're going to New Zealand I recently flew

to the States where this over proud father

started changing a nappy in a seat next

to me Oh isn't he lovely, isn't he

a good boy this stinking foetid nappy I

mean it's beyond belief And what is it

like when you get there By day the

rows and rows of British tourists gently barbecuing

themselves under the searing heat on overcrowded beaches

the sunburn the kids urinating in the pool

the fish and chips By night the happy

hour, the disco the lights, the karaoke, the

curry the girls, the drinks the drunks the

dancing, the sex in the street and on

the beach the condoms floating in the shallows

Then there's all that foreign food that the

continentals insist on eating Have we brought the

anti-diarrhoea tablets Is the water bottled and

is the seal intact Of course those crafty

foreigners have probably filled them straight from the

sewage pipe and we're all going to spend

four days locked in a lavatory which seems

to have been designed specifically to encourage you

to examine your own poo It just collects

the turds in a neat thing and then

when you flush it, it washes them all

away and that's rather upsetting because it's almost

like you have a good look at what

you've produced You can't flush toilet paper down

the toilet you have to put it in

a separate bin which actually I think is

a fine thing to do because I just

hate all the sewage system having to cope

with all this paper but some people just

won't do it at all they just find

it the most appalling thing to have to

do not put your toilet paper I didn't

mind the toilet paper I brought all my

toilet paper home with me in fact I've

got it And you'll go to a nice

little Portuguese village for example and like five

years later when you go back every other

bar is an Irish bar and they're full

of English You've gone to Portugal instead of

going to a Portuguese bar you go to

an Irish bar you're drinking Guinness you're drinking

English beer you're eating English food and you're

watching footy on the big screen on the

telly well why can't you do that at

home and save yourself a lot of money

The middle class approach which you just treat

the world as this sort of playground this

sort of semi-colonial approach where people say

oh we discovered this place that was completely

unspoiled whereas the truth is they spoilt somewhere

that was completely undiscovered and they always say

well we didn't want to do what the

tourists do and you think well stay at

home then you miserable bastard The British are

awful people they're inappropriate socks and ghastly complexions

and stupid desire to eat egg and chips

even though you're in the best French restaurant

in France the boorishness the inability to speak

the local language I was spamming this woman

who I think was from the north of

England and this poor little girl who was

serving behind the till had put up with

it have you got any fags love fags

she didn't even understand fags she turned to

me and I was sort of creaking have

you got any fags fags fags how loud

do I have to fucking say it before

she understands they just demonstrate that frankly there

is a layer of people in this country

that are beyond the pale so that's the

British abroad great fat men with Union Jack

t-shirts skinhead haircuts and red bloated bodies

covered with tattoos oddly shaped women showing off

far more of their bodies than anyone could

possibly want to see and we don't even

seem to mind that we're a laughing stock

the most sterling quality of the British without

any doubt in my mind is that you

can take the piss out of them they

let you do that and that's not there's

not many people who do I mean I've

written whole books that consist of nothing but

me making great capital out of stereotypes I

think there is something in that I mean

there is no question that Italians are voluble

and you know that people have certain characteristics

hands up all those nations that occasionally invade

Poland some comedian somewhere didn't make up the

thing about Germans and their towels it's true,

I remember going on a holiday in fact

it was my honeymoon to the Canary Islands

and unless you got up at 3.30

there would be no beds around the pool

in the morning because they would all have

German towels on them so it was about

2.30 in the morning and I left

the hotel by the pool I was wearing

all these torches and it was they were

all German I said Hans!

...

you take the swimming pool and you take

the beach and it was amazing and I

thought it's true, you know it's not a

lazy racist stereotype they do it they just

think that they are in control of Europe

and so why shouldn't they be in control

of the poolside it's not the towels that

bothers me about the Germans it's more the

global conquest really I think the towels I'll

let go but when tanks are involved I

think oi, guys chill you can take the

Swedes and the French and the Italians and

the Irish and you can put them all

together and they all do hate the Germans

oh yeah we all hate the Germans that

unifies Europe that is the one thing we

all have in common pretty much the whole

world I believe that people who have never

even heard of the Germans would hate them

innately there are people there are Papua New

Guineans who have no idea and if you

showed them a German they would just hate

the Americans like the Germans because I maintain

the Americans and the Germans are the same

loud trousers, big voices, mullet haircuts they love

them but lest anyone should think only Britain

is full of grumpy old bastards who hate

everyone else it's encouraging to know that our

former transported convicts feel the same want to

go to the Cathedral Hotel please do you

mind saying that again did I say it

wrong or was he taking the piss we'd

like to go to the Cathedral Hotel please

ha ha ha sorry to laugh are you

Kiwis or Poms and we said and we're

Poms oh thank fuck for that sorry mates

for a moment I thought you were a

Kiwi I fucking hate Kiwis and then a

hundred yards later he says come to think

of it I fucking hate Poms as well

and that was it which would never ever

happen in America if we say and he

does constantly I really hate Americans I do

really hate Americans I know you do that's

why I said that Americans don't care I

mean why would they but if you say

I once knew an ugly Welsh girl everybody

in Wales stays up all night writing a

letter to somebody we don't say we don't

like a category of people because we're accused

of being racist we can't dislike habits because

we're accused of being fascists I mean it

seems to me we can't even laugh at

ourselves anymore now being able to laugh at

ourselves in Britain is genuinely necessary because it's

the start of the football season and if

you didn't laugh you'd weep we love it

and we hate it it's our purest form

of masochism we look forward to it for

the entire two week gap between the end

of the last season and the beginning of

the new season and when it comes, like

it or not we're back on the rollercoaster

no matter how crap we were last season

we think we'll do better this season there's

no reason to think it, we just do

we watch the transfers on a daily basis

we want to sack the manager and then

have to work out a way to buy

the new season ticket and the new strip

for you and the kids which is the

seventh new strip in five years at a

hundred quid a time I could have bought

the fucking team with what I spent on

the kit it costs more than going to

the opera it costs more than going on

holiday for two weeks to Tenerife to get

a ticket for Chelsea some people take their

children with their babies and throw them on

the pitch I mean not throw them on

the pitch but lift them up and the

school says how about that then I took

their wee and it's all seating now which

is sort of fair enough if everyone sat

down you sit down and as soon as

anything happens everyone stands up you have to

stand up and then you sit down again

as the ball goes and then you stand

up and then you sit down and oh

it's absolutely exhausting you're more knackered than the

players by the end and you've not seen

anything I mean I know football's important to

a lot of people in bobble hats but

honestly it just seems to have gone berserk

what is more pathetic you see say Newcastle

have lost a game and then at the

end you see there's always a shot of

one solitary Newcastle supporter sitting there crying and

you think you big twat blubbering away it's

just a football match you bloody idiot it's

like showbiz now everything becomes like showbiz in

the end if you throw money at it

you probably can't blame them can you if

you give an 18 year old with no

brain £100,000 a week what do you

think he's going to do he's got to

have a Ferrari a nice discreet red one

oh and the biggest 4x4 he can find

with a very clever number plate he's got

to wear designer clothes and do designer drugs

he's got to drink designer drinks and sport

a designer haircut he's got to live in

an appallingly bad taste Mac mansion and fill

it with gaudy marble sculptures of erotic figures

he's got to have sex with at least

5 girls at a time some of them

even consenting and since his lifestyle makes it

unlikely he'll win any real trophies he has

to have a trophy airhead on his arm

who wants her own career as an actress

they ought to be able to dock the

wages to make it fair not that long

ago David Beckham missed a penalty you know

dock £50 off many clubs have found the

hard way that those players aren't worth £100

,000 a week I mean look at what's

happened to Leeds look at what's happened to

a whole range of top clubs they've paid

too much for some very mediocre talent now

these kind of iconic gods far away and

of course that is utterly bad for them

and it turns them into these monsters of

roasting and sexual devancy and raping and you

feel well how can I watch these young

twats running around on the pitch I'd rather

be reading a book I mean I just

hate it, it's so much a part of

being a bloke, that you're not a real

bloke unless you stand on a freezing terrace

shouting the C word as though the right

to use it is about to be taken

away from you arrogating a knowledge of a

game while failing to understand the one key

fact that foreigners are better at it I've

always taken the view that real men hang

around in libraries, particularly poetry libraries and string

quartet concerts and I've never felt in any

way threatened by my lack of interest in

football or cricket as it's sometimes called I

hate the new patriotism where we're all trying

to reclaim our Englishness and every few months

the whole country is decked out like a

loyalist estate and it'll be the rugby and

no one liked rugby, rugby was a posh

boys game in England only the Welsh and

public school boys liked rugby and public school

boys girlfriends with their fat arses and their

boyfriends rugby shirt and their collar turned up

no one liked rugby until we won something

Yes a British victory at sport is as

rare as a smile on the face of

a grumpy, bemused, abused confused and entirely hacked

off.

Next week being persecuted by the nanny state

we told you not to get us started.

You're looked at, you're numbered, you're tagged, they've

got your DNA, they've got your blood, they've

got your bank account, they've got your national

insurance number, they've got your records your dental

records, your health records you just are a

completely open book, there's nothing left of your

individuality When you woke up this morning and

the numbers called my house Can't say a

thing when we take our books off.

Grumpy's coming as Daffod, the only gay in

the village, is putting you on a gay

night.

Little Britain over on BBC3 now.