Original subtitles

The film was probably the worst film

I have ever seen in my

life.

A -level media students would probably

produce something better than this.

Dribble. Dire acting.

Dire storytelling.

Dire camera work.

I'm embarrassed for all those that were involved in the making of

this shower of shit.

They wasted their time.

Luckily, I didn't waste my money as I ripped it.

Ripped it up is what I should have done.

I can only imagine that all of the five -star reviews...

From members of the cast and the crew.

How desperate.

You just got stabbed in the dick and there's no blood

Hard to believe.

I thought it was a comedy spoof for a while, but then I soon realised it

I just felt depressed.

As the feel of an eight -year -old with a camcorder on Valium.

Words cannot do justice to how bad this is. People should not be allowed to make

things as bad as this.

Maybe it was funded by the lead actor's rich parents.

Don't know, and I don't really care.

There's no art here. It's moribund inside and out.

I lost about 27 minutes.

And that was out of sheer fascination at the absurdity and audacity of what was

in front of me.

Seriously, this is probably the worst film I've ever seen.

If you're up against Plan 9 from outer space for an Oscar, then Plan 9 would

win.

Even the inclusion of an A -lister can't elevate this piece of garbage. Nothing

can save it.

The script is laughable. It's not meant to be a comedy.

As for the lead actor, who I see cropped up in a number of the director's films,

a term I shall use loosely...

He should probably find himself a real job if he can't act to save his life.

Avoid at all costs, even if someone gives you a free coffee, as you won't

get those 88 minutes back.

The best thing is the package design.

The rest is awful.

and full of cliches.

The direction is laughable.

And the villain is a fattish bloke who does two roles.

In fact, most of the cast do other roles when you see the credits.

It's first class shit.

Amateur grade.

Straight out of drama school.

I wish the producers of

this film would commit mass

suicide.

It would help us.

A very naughty boy.

You have been playing at this game for many years.

Hiding behind your keyboard.

Well now, we have finally found you.

Danny boy!

Fuck. Shut the fuck up and listen.

You have been a troll way too long.

And it's time to come out and play.

It's time to... Come out and show yourself to the directors, actors,

makers of the films you have spent your intoxicated time.

You live at a criminal flat in the middle of Shipsville.

Your sister is named Tina. Your neighbour is named Andy.

The number of your flat is 12.

How are you doing this? We have had you.

Now, it's time for us to review you.

It's time to turn the tide and tell you what we all think.

What we think about your reviews.

How are you doing this? You piece of shit.

You can't say nothing.

You're just kidding.

It was just a joke.

I didn't think it would harm anyone. I haven't done anything wrong.

I haven't done...

After reading your online hate. I didn't think you would do that.

That's the point.

You didn't think.

You didn't think about how your drivel would affect people.

Because you didn't care.

You are the lowest kind of scum. If I was there, I'd beat you to a pulp.

And the great thing is that nobody would find you for months in that shithole

flat. Because you are alone and always will be. You'd rot until the smell was

bad. Andy might bother to call the police.

What do you want?

Time for redemption.

Danny, I want to make a movie and show the star.

What movie?

Follow the instructions, and I won't share your personal information to

If you don't, then I will let everyone you have spread your hate to know who

really are.

Why would I do this?

I could just get away.

Change my name. Change my profile.

I could do that. I've done it before.

Bonus. One million pounds.

I am still confident you won't survive the night. I am personally offering one

million pounds.

A million.

It's at the location where you're waiting.

A million.

You are now the director.

Now sit down.

I'm sitting.

Sit the fuck down.

This is life, you idiot.

You don't need that anymore.

Hidden surprises around every corner.

Little things here and there.

Excessive and excessive.

And yet, you can see you.

You talk to you whenever I want.

So... What do you want me to do?

I'm listening.

Good, because I want this movie to be a cult classic and not an incredibly

budget piece of shit.

The master of the mansion was Brandon Hyde, the owner of a sugar plantation.

He was a very rich man, but spent most of his time on his plantations.

So, whilst he was away, the butler, Rudy, was left to run the mansion and

supervise the staff.

He took advantage of his market kind.

but luxury, along with his wife, Claire.

Using his intellectual brain to con dignitaries into believing he was

High, he would then rob them of everything.

On one occasion, he was entertaining for the weekend a wealthy Londoner named

Hickley, who stayed with his wife.

Rudy couldn't help himself and stole Hickley's wife's expensive jewellery.

and police watchman, he returned and raided his own mansion, arresting both

and his wife Claire. Now, it is said that he hid the jewelry in this mansion

just before he was arrested, and it is said to be worth a million pounds in

today's money.

Ah, it's a treasure hunt.

But they're dead.

It's impossible.

If all of these people have tried to find it over 200 years, how do you

me to find it in 24 hours?

Okay.

What am I looking for?

treasure.

No, I've hidden it here in the house.

I'm in where the rest is.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with it. I figured one million pounds would

let me live comfortably for a long time.

Then why didn't you?

So I find the money and then you let me leave with the money

Wait.

I don't think so.

Could drop it.

Okay. Right, there's a little more going on there.

Let's go down it. Let's go down it.

Wow.

Okay, let's go down.

Right, here we go.

Okay, this is Danny Kemper here, reporting from Shit Hole Central.

A couple of things they don't know.

First thing is, I'm nicking this camera.

Second thing is, there ain't no million pounds, but they're here somewhere,

and when I find them, I'm going to take a picture of them, and I'm going to

share that picture, and then you are fucked, lad.

Danny the Destroyer is Danny the Bluff Cooler.

Yeah.

I'm going to play their game for a little bit, though.

They want me to find some clues.

Clues.

Oh, fuck yeah, I've got a map. Right, one sec, I'm going to put you down.

Right,

I have here one beautifully drawn map.

Now, I've just been in the library.

And sit here.

If I go over to my left, I'm going to go into the red drawing

room.

Well, it's my favorite color.

A lot of people go there.

It's quite naturally.

All right. Hang about.

Stay there.

We can find some clues in this red drawing.

Oh, hang about.

What is this?

All right.

Fuck, it's locked. All right.

This is Christian Rose.

Right.

Very nice.

Oh, what have I got here?

Oh, what have I got here?

Okay.

Um... Let's have a little look around, shall we?

Let's see what we have.

Very nice.

More books.

German dictionary, fuck off.

Dildo.

That's old -fashioned, isn't it?

Oh, fuck off.

Look at this.

Right, look.

They're fucking cosplayers, aren't they?

Is it those weird fucks from that Viking film?

Shit, Viking!

Maybe it's them.

It's probably them, I don't know.

Anyway, fuck it. Clues.

Clues.

Where's the clue?

Okay, I just heard something coming from the ceiling.

Oh, my God.

I hate this. Watch this.

God, if I don't die, they're still falling on me.

So they're definitely here.

They're definitely here.

Alright.

Let's find these clues.

Pricks.

It's a stupid thing to do.

Oh God, I hate this.

I fucking hate this.

There's nothing fucking here.

Hang about.

What's this?

Oh, look at this.

Look at this.

Fucking numbers.

Fucking numbers.

That's gotta be it.

Scorpio boy.

You stay there.

All right, he's down.

Okay.

Four.

What's that?

Four, one.

Four, four.

There you go.

All right.

Okay.

We have numbers.

Um... Okay, so there's a woman just dressed up as a maid down there.

Uh... Okay.

I don't know who that was.

Oh my god, there's a bed.

This place is weird.

I know.

Oh my god.

You'll find everything you need.

So... I... was supposed to try and find some...

thing? Some treasure?

But you know, honestly, I would love to be rich. I really, really would, which

is why I bloody well signed up to this, and now I'm fucking terrified, and I

don't really want to be here.

And this is really scary.

There's a drop below me. Bloody hell.

God, if I fell down there, I don't think I'd be able to get back up.

It's so weird.

The whole thing.

This is a really, really weird task.

I'm just...

I'm already not enjoying it.

And I'm really, really regretting coming and doing this.

Oh, God.

That's freaky.

I've been watched by a thing.

Look at that.

I'm at the dentist.

I'm at the dentist and we're going to get a sweetie.

Oh my God.

Can you believe this shit?

Cliche number 400 and fucking fuck.

We have officially hit peak cliché, haven't we, then?

Are you going to come out yet?

Are you going to come out and show yourselves?

Well, I might as well sit down.

Oh, God.

Well,

I'm at the dentist.

Don't know what's going to happen next.

We're a bit knackered though.

So, I'm going to put you down for a sec.

Hello

viewers,

welcome to the Jake Files.

Don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. All I know is that I've been locked in

a mansion. Don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Just walking around. I'm just standing under the fire exit here. Just wondering

what the fuck I'm meant to be doing.

I've got a map. So let's see if we can find any treasure, I guess.

Treasure map or not. I'm not sure if it's a treasure map or not.

Let's go to the operating theatre then, yes?

Operating theatre.

So here we are.

Wow. Hey.

You got a mirror here, look?

Don't know what the fuck that's meant to be.

Hey.

So, yeah, that's it.

Spared no expense here, have they? Jesus Christ.

Yeah, so let's go and hunt some ghosts then, shall we?

You gotcha!

Hello?

What the fuck's this?

God, these are brilliant actors, aren't they?

You just heard it too, didn't you?

Bloody noise.

Someone's sneaking.

Fuck yeah, now.

Let's go and see if we can find anyone else, eh?

I don't know what the fuck this is.

This is the saloon, I think.

So, yeah.

Let's have a little walk around.

Whatever will be, will be.

Ready?

There we go.

This is what I'd think of you little mouth, but that hurts.

So, don't know what the fuck I'm meant to be doing.

Just, uh, done a little look around again.

I don't know if this is meant to be anything.

Uh... I don't really know what to say, to be honest. There's literally nothing

in here.

Whey!

I really hope that was the plumbing.

Or just, like, a bird.

Or something.

Freaky picture of a lady.

They say with paintings, when you look at their eyes, their eyes follow you.

Mind you, I don't think hers does.

Illustrated Universal Reference Book, wonderful.

Something about fireplaces which always slightly freaked me out as well.

It's like, I always sort of feel like, you know, you could put, if you looked

the fireplace, you're going to see like a head or something staring at you.

Or a dead rat.

That happened to me once. I was staying in Wales and...

My dad pulled out the fireplace because all the smoke was coming back into the

room and there was three dead squirrels stuffed in the chimney.

Absolutely disgusting.

Really stuck as well.

None of this is real.

None of this is real.

None of this is real!

I know about films!

I know about films!

I know about special effects!

Okay?

I know none of this is real!

I know none of this is real!

Drill stream

No!

I can do this.

All right.

Seriously. Cosplayers.

Shit Vikings.

It's going to take a little bit more than some moderate special effects to

me. Alright?

Now I've heard you. I know you're a little game. I can hear you running

But I'm going to tell you one thing.

You will not scare Danny the Destroyer.

I've been here 14 hours.

Did I see something earlier or... I don't know I thought I saw something

Rudy!

I think I just heard something.

What was

that?

So I think what I might do is...

My camera.

Just there while I sleep so that... I don't know, I have to actually go to the

website. I feel like something might help if there's just something watching.

And that way if anything happens... Backwards.

I don't know.

Oh God, I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.

What do you think you think?

I'm going to cry.

10 to 1.

I can't believe I'm knowing this.

I had something come from the boxes.

These books.

Why are they all still here?

Irish Bride.

This is... Mills and Boom, No Promise of Love.

Sanctuary Hall.

Okay,

I think I'm just hearing things.

It's a rickety old house.

It's a rickety old house. It's just a...

Right, so this is really weird now.

It's two books that just landed on the floor and... There's no one else in the

room?

Okay.

Okay, right.

Okay, there's no one else in the room.

And two of these books have just... Have they just come from the show?

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Okay.

Alright.

Okay, something really, really weird is happening now. These two books have just

flown off the shelf and have just landed on the floor right next to me.

I don't know.

I don't know how that happened.

Okay, I was skeptical, but there's something really, really strange going

this house.

I don't really know what to do now.

This is really weird.

Okay, I think I need to get out.

What was that?

What was that?

I think I saw her again.

Okay.

Okay.

Ryan.

Okay, let's go.

Let's go. Let's get out of here.

Go back.

Go back.

Okay. Ryan.

Okay. I am getting the fuck out of here.

Ryan.

Fucking don't have those. Shit, mate.

I'm not doing this.

God.

I just need some weather.

I just need to get out of here.

I just need to get out of here.

Oh, come on.

I don't know if they're real.

I don't know what's going on.

I'm seeing things.

I'm hearing things. I don't know if they're real.

It's just code.

It's just fucking code. I've got to figure this out.

I've got to figure out how I got this.

It's numbers.

Did. Fucking alphabet.

Million.

One million. You.

Back.

Back to the beginning.

No.

No, please, don't.

Don't.

So, you've wrote it out.

Yeah, I have, so fuck you and fuck this place!

Oh, really?

So which case is it?

I don't know.

Is it the one on the left?

Or is it the one on the right?

You have to choose.

But choose wisely, as one leads to freedom.

are released to hell.

Is it the one on the left?

Or is it the one on the right?

Drink first before opening the case or you will forfeit.

Yeah, and what about your stooges?

Yeah? Well, they were pretty good. What made?

What did you pay them?

Not stooges.

Oh, don't fuck me about!

Now! All right? The butler and the maid!

Who said they were stooges?

this fucking shit, okay? I'm going to drink again. Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Tick tock, tick tock. The clock is ticking. Are you well, dear? Because the

drink is the antidote to the poison you drank earlier.

Yes.

Dick dummy.

One will lead to freedom and the other will lead to hell.

Make your choice or die.

What the?

And you're going to be the star.

There is one million pounds just waiting for you.

All you have to do is survive 24 hours.