Original subtitles

Hey, kiddo.

So, I gotcha a matcha.

-I'm good. -You seem good.

So, the police would like us to come down to the station soon.

Maybe you want to throw on some socks and shoes.

Or, not socks. That's fine.

Even if I did burn his house down on purpose,

no jury would convict me.

Not sure we want to say that sort of thing out loud.

Maybe you wanna practice saying how it was an accident?

I don't need to practice saying the truth.

I like that.

If you don't slip that in, I am going to.

So, did you brush your hair?

-I did. -The back, too?

You know what? I like it. It's good.

Dad, I lost my slipper under the desk.

-Oh. Here you go, sweetie. -Can you kick it to me?

-There you go. -Thank you.

Let's keep our shoes on in here, folks.

There's some creamers.

-I'm good. -I know how this looks,

especially 'cause Arch and I were in a big fight,

and I was pretty pissed off.

Oh, sorry, hold on. I'm just listening and I'm not writing.

Just let me catch up here. Motive, check.

Officer, she doesn't have to practice if she is saying the truth.

Do you want me to write that down?

-Mm-hmm. -Anyway...

I took his copy of War and Peace and I lit it on fire.

Sorry, you intentionally burned my first edition Tolstoy?

-I did, yeah. -The Clara Bell translation

is the only one in the English language that has the second epilogue.

Oh, it burned so good.

So then, you did arson a book.

-Arson isn't a verb. -I'm pretty sure it's a verb.

-No, it's not a verb. -It's a verb.

And I am not looking it up, I just have to check--

-It's not a verb, mate. -Checking something else real quick.

I burned the book, but the house was an accident.

-I swear. -Oh, exactly.

Archie, is there anything that you would like to add

that might be helpful for your wife?

If Katie says that it was an accident, then it was an accident.

Well, there you go. Case closed.

No, don't do that. Don't tell me how to do my police work.

I don't tell you how to write your Rooster books, do I?

-Okay. -But I'll tell you what, if I did,

I would have the guy do karate.

-Maybe. -Wouldn't that be fun?

-Mm, sure. -You know, just going around,

like fighting stuff, like, "Ah!"

-Whoa! -Ah! My trousers.

Man, these are the only trousers I have that didn't burn in the fire.

-"Trousers." -Get some paper towels?

-Oh, yes. Okay. -Please. Christ alive.

You can barely see it.

I wasn't sure if you were gonna have my back, so thanks.

Yeah, of course.

I still love you.

Cool.

So, does your dad know that...

that Sunny's been impregnated?

Absolutely insane way to distance yourself from it.

No. God, no. It's humiliating enough.

Yeah, I'm not even sure if Sunny's gonna keep it.

It's always sort of one thing or another with her.

Well, would you keep me posted on that? 'Cause I love a good cliffhanger.

Why did you do this to us?

I don't know, maybe I just wanted to be with someone

who thought I was really great again.

-Ew. -Recently, all of our conversations

have been about how I needed to change.

Okay, I know that I am flawed, I'll admit that.

Frankly, my self-awareness has made it

a lot easier for me to forgive you.

I already have, you know? But, I guess the only question is...

will you ever be able to forgive me?

Can we-- I wanna back up.

Did you...

You forgive me?

I do.

I mean, who hasn't gone a little crazy

-after a bad breakup? -Well.

-That's what Katie's going through. -Yeah, that's true.

I had a prom date stand me up, and I dropped out of high school.

-Oh. -Yeah, went out on the road

following Limp Bizkit around.

-Really? -Yeah.

Guess how many times they called me up on stage?

-Seventeen. -Seventeen?

You ever seen anybody get called up on stage 17 times?

That's an outrageously high number.

I was called on stage three times.

-Katie's a really good kid. -Ah!

-Whoa! -You stupid fuck.

You're lucky he didn't leave his gun in here.

Oh, actually, I did. I'm just gonna yoink that--

-Oh! Heads up! -Jesus Christ!

Gun on the floor. You know, I never put it back right.

That's the main-- There we go.

Before we get started,

submissions for The Ludlow Review are open,

so get us your poems and short stories.

I can tell you, nothing feels better than seeing your work in print.

My first published piece

is still taped on my dad's refrigerator

next to a Georgia Bulldogs magnet

and the number of a plumber who died about six years ago.

My stuff's not going on the fridge.

'Cause I write about real life. And in real life, I pull.

-Hmm? -I'm talking threesomes.

Girl-on-girl, milf, dilf, Eli.

-What's that? -You wanna get pegged?

-Okay. -I have asthma.

Okay, well, bring your nebulizer.

Eva. Heel, girl.

Okay, diving back into Emily Dickinson.

Hey, Walt.

Got you a double espresso in a big cup.

Ah, thank you.

I think our favorite barista might have cut her own bangs.

Something is deeply off.

I can't worry about Beverly right now.

We just heard about a new Green Initiative, and he's...

The trustees are shoving a very complicated policy down my throat.

Okay, you wanna take one of our coffee walks? You can vent.

I don't know.

-Good morning, Dean Riggs. -Hi.

Oh, Professor Shepard. Hi, buddy.

Cristle, can you send me a student file?

Gracie Shaw. She says she has ADHD.

But I think she's just lazy and a little dumb.

Or she's really struggling.

Let's all root for her.

How are you friends with this guy?

We're not close. I keep him at arm's length.

You two are having dinner tonight at 7:30.

Thank you, Cristle.

Oh. My bad.

Hey, Walt? Can we talk for--

Oh. Oh. Hi. How you doing?

-Great. -Great.

How'd you sleep?

-How did I sleep? -Yeah. Mm.

-I'm gonna go. -Alright.

-May I ask you a question? -Yes, come. What can I do for you, Greg?

Well, this is about Katie.

Fire away. Just don't ask how I slept.

That was bone-chilling. What's the deal there?

-Nothing, there was no deal. -Oh, please.

There was an undeniable sexual energy in that room.

I thought I was in Latin America.

But I know, I know.

You're a gentleman, you don't kiss and tell.

We didn't kiss.

So, you wanted to, but she said no?

Oh.

She wanted to, but you said no.

How are you doing this?

It's all in the microexpressions.

Come on now, give me the--

Give me the goss, and we'll get onto your thing.

No, I'm here because I wanna make sure that Katie's job is safe.

Well, her job is absolutely not safe. She burned down a historic faculty house.

That was an accident!

She also assaulted a professor down at the police precinct?

That was on purpose.

To be clear, I like Katie.

But I am also tasked

with protecting this institution, and I'm struggling with that.

Oh!

Good news. Struggle's over.

Katie resigned.

No, she didn't.

Wow, that is big font.

Let me talk to her before you do anything. Please. As a friend?

Friends share secrets, Greg.

Really?

Alright.

I think Dylan found me charming.

-Now, we're cooking, Greg. -We're so not cooking.

Ah.

Privet, mamochka.

What happened to your eye and pants?

Funny story about that. I was walking down Stone Hill, and I fell.

-Hilarious. -Yeah.

So, I got your text. What's up? You okay?

Yes. I told you I was pregnant, right?

Mm-hmm.

No one gets my jokes.

Listen, I just want you to know, Sunny, that it's such a big decision.

And whatever it is you decide to do--

I'm keeping it.

Oh. Great.

I know there are a million reasons I shouldn't have this baby.

I was supposed to go to Burning Man.

I think you'd love Burning Man.

But no matter how hard I try to not want it...

I find that I still do.

Absolutely.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

That's-- This is-- It's just-- This is a lot.

I know. It's a lot for me, too.

But I've got an interview

for an internship in, like, an hour.

So, if you could just pretend to be all in...

-Oh. -...I'd really appreciate that.

I am, 100%.

Ah, it feels like 80, but I'll take it.

And now, my mom has to go to the hospital again.

So, we have to do all this kind of testing,

and she hates needles.

-It's, like, really stressful-- -That's amazing. BRB.

It just like-- Okay, yeah.

Oh! Hey, Professor Bates.

What is going on with your pants?

-Whatever it is, I love it. -Has it ever felt like

everything you've ever worked for is just slipping through your fingers?

-Yeah. -You know, I was gonna spend

the next six months working on my book.

I mean, I'm not kidding myself.

I know that, I know that geopolitical nonfiction

isn't exactly the recipe for a sexy bestseller,

but I just think the people who would love it

-would really love it. -I would love it.

Instead, I'll be making runs to Costco for...

rotisserie chicken in a Toyota Sienna.

Oh, my mom has a Sienna.

You can open the trunk with your foot.

Ah.

I'm sorry to dump all this on your shoulders...

-Gina. -Gina. Yeah.

You can dump anything on my shoulders.

Beg your pardon?

Not you, Roland, sorry.

Hello. Right.

So, I go down to the front desk because I locked myself out again.

-Yeah. -And they hand me a ladle

with a key on it that opens all of the doors.

-How cute is this town? -I know what you're doing.

-Don't bother, my mind is made up. -Not doing anything.

New England, believe the hype.

Oh my gosh, what is this?

It's a year-round Christmas store.

It is a year-round Christmas store. How can it stay in business?

Because it has amazing hot chocolate.

Dad, I need to go somewhere

so I can have a fresh start without all the noise.

Are you kidding me?

Dad.

Oh, my God.

They give you a peppermint stick to stir it with.

Do you think I don't know about the fucking peppermint sticks?

I've lived here for three years. I love those sticks.

Then, don't give up just because of one tiny little setback.

Okay, several major, terrible setbacks.

Are you kidding?

Mom left you five years ago, and you gave up like that.

At least I'm planning on starting over.

I'm not moving to Florida to hide from life, it's pathetic.

-Mm. -Oh, my God.

That was way too mean. I'm sorry.

-It's okay. -I'm sorry, that was so mean.

By the way, I'm not hiding.

I am also collecting shells,

and I'm thinking about joining a cult.

I'm expanding The Ludlow Review.

Instead of one issue, I'm putting together two.

Winter and spring. I need your budgetary approval.

What an unladylike way to ask.

The new student center drained the endowment,

so the purse strings are fairly tight right now.

I'm sure they are, but the Review is a cornerstone of the arts program.

The poetry department is one of the things that attracts students to the institution.

Oh, I know, it's huge. All the freshmen show up

wearing the jerseys of their favorite poets.

E.E. Cummings!

This prehistoric fucker.

Hey, let's go. Cristle said you got 20 minutes

-for a coffee walk. -Fifteen!

-Thank you, Cristle. -I just got into it with Riggs,

and I need to tell you about it, just in case

he tries to undercut me at your little dinner tonight.

Yeah, fine, fine. But then I wanna hear

every sordid detail about you throwing yourself at Greg.

-Excuse me? -I respect it.

Shoot your shot. I would. The man's a silver fox, for God's sake.

I know I've only been here a couple of days,

but I am really gonna miss this place.

I never took the cock.

Well, I'm sure that is a fun topic

for you and your gal pal friends, but I don't think

-I wanna hear about that. -Come on.

It's the weather vane.

-Oh! -It's a tradition here.

One of the professors takes that,

hides it on the campus, and then if a student finds it,

everyone gets the day off.

I just wish I'd done it once.

Honey, then just stay and do it.

Yeah? Come on.

Wow.

I've never seen her look like that.

At least now we know what makes her special.

-Dude. What? -No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're the one who said it would make more sense

if you knew how she was special, and now we know.

Don't let that derail you. You are a rock star.

-You keep saying that, Dad, but I'm not. -You are a rock star.

-Yeah, you are. -I'm a loser.

No, honey. Gosh, you're not--

-Sweetie, you're not a loser. -I am a loser.

And I'm done with this place, okay? Go get your cocoa.

I know that's what you've been thinking about, anyway.

I'm not thinking about a cocoa, honey.

Walt. She's in. Katie's not leaving.

-Oh, that's great news, Greg. -Here you go.

-Thank you, Beverly. -Yeah.

Definitely an issue there.

-Happy about Katie. -Ah.

The local police officer is somewhat overzealous,

but I'll just have him to the hothouse and I will talk to him.

Katie is going to have to write an apology to the board, but--

Let's clean up our trash, please, boys and girls.

But she can blame the whole thing on women stuff.

Hormones, wrong meds.

Mm, she will love that.

And after a short suspension, she will be good to go.

Thank you. Very grateful. Thank you, Walt.

Did you know Teddy Roosevelt saved American football?

-No. -In 1905,

twenty college football players died.

Teddy summoned all of the coaches

down to the White House, where he helped evolve the game,

saving America's pastime.

Do you know why I'm telling you this?

No, but I bet it'll hit me later.

Our finest president wasn't being selfless.

He wanted his son to play for Harvard

without getting his skull cracked. He...

got something out of it.

Walt, if there is ever anything that I can do for you,

say the word.

Take the writer-in-residence gig.

-Oh... no. -Come on.

It's just till the end of the semester.

It'll be a feather in my cap to have a bestselling author

that the parents have actually heard of.

-Very flattering, but. -Do me a favor, Greg.

Take a look at that. Your ex-wife's name is on our brand-new student center.

You are practically family here.

Mm, that's a stretch.

Plus, I'm not really offering you a choice.

This is a deal point.

-Really? -Really.

My hand is not usually this warm.

It's because of the hot cocoa.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Alright.

Settle down.

I just had the funniest, crazy thing. It's...

Hello. So, when we left off,

Lenin was about to overthrow the Romanov dynasty...

So sorry, the maddest thing just happened.

I have a friend, Roland. He's actually my old roommate at uni.

Oh, you went to Cambridge, right?

Yes, I did. Someone's been listening.

He wants me, little old Archie, to be a talking head on BBC News tomorrow.

Apparently, I am a "major voice in UK-Russian relations."

Not my words, Your Honor.

Oh, man. I mean, I can't.

We've got class. I couldn't.

-What? -Yeah. Oh, no.

I couldn't do that to you guys.

-You have to do it. -I shouldn't.

-Come on! Yes. -Should I?

Yes!

-Yeah? What do you think? -Yeah.

-Liv? -Yeah, you're gonna slay.

Absolutely. Benji, what do you reckon?

Shut the fuck up, Benji. Come on, mate.

So, good. Good, yeah? Good?

Thanks for letting me pretend that I needed to be convinced, anyway.

Okay, let's get back to Comrade Lenin

and slaughtering those bloody Romanov girls, then, shall we?

-Here you go, guys. -Ooh, bacon!

Enjoy.

Thanks, dude.

-You good, man? -Ah, I don't know, Tommy.

My daughter's going through something. She's not handling it well.

Yeah, I meant, are you done?

Oh, yes. Yeah, you can--

You can give it to your animal friends over there.

Sweet.

-Gentlemen. -Mm.

Mm. Ketchup.

Maybe I'm just not the greatest dad.

Oh, we're still going. Okay.

Yeah, what'd you do?

-Like, neglect her? -No.

-Were you an alcoholic? -What? No.

-Did you, like, abuse her? -My God, no!

-Smack her around a little bit? -No.

-No judgment. -No.

There should be judgment with that. Thank you, guys.

-I can handle it from here. -Yeah, we're good, we don't--

We don't need your help, we're good.

-You, too. -Yeah. Of course.

-Well, well. -Oh.

Thank goodness. A sane person.

Did you tell Walt I tried to have sex with you?

Mm, no. Well, hi.

No.

Not verbally. Have you ever heard of microexpressions?

So, you didn't say, and I quote, "Dylan found me quite charming"?

What?

Yes, I did, I said that.

I said those exact words, but not in a braggy way.

Say it in a non-braggy way.

Dylan found me quite charming.

No human being talks like that.

I did brag. I was practically beating my chest.

I'm sorry.

-How can I make it up to you? -Buy me breakfast.

Done. Tommy? Tommy, I need you.

Oh, bollocks.

Ah, cock in hell.

But what do we trade it for?

I keep answering for you, and I don't want to keep doing that.

I feel like I'm screaming into a well.

You know, Elizabeth was right.

Anytime Katie had a problem, I would swoop in.

-I am a swooper. -Mm.

So, you were basically always there for her?

-Okay. -Shit.

-Is she okay? -It was too much.

Now, she does not have the toolset to deal with adversity.

She's gonna leave, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Greg, I wanna tell you a story.

It isn't about Teddy Roosevelt, is it?

No. It's about me.

-Oh, good. -When I was a kid,

I got accepted into the University of Georgia.

-Mm, the Bulldogs. -Mm-hmm.

Twenty minutes from my home. No-brainer.

But then I also got into Brown.

And that's super far away.

And I was scared that all of the other kids

were gonna be smarter than I was.

-Mm-hmm. -So, I chose Georgia.

One morning, my dad plops two tickets into my lap

nonstop to Providence, Rhode Island.

Neither of us had been out of the state,

and I was just super excited to go on a trip, so off we went.

Yeah, we traveled all the time when Katie was a kid.

She's been everywhere. She loved Prague.

She used to call it "Pwag."

-You weren't done, were you? -When we got to Providence...

Okay.

...instantly, I knew I had to go to Brown.

And so, I did.

-Hmm. -Be like my dad.

Find a way in.

Doesn't matter what it is,

just something to let her know you give a shit.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

What am I doing? This is stupid.

Oh. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

I got it!

-Ouch! -Okay, quit squirming.

-I'm almost done. -God.

Katie burned all my clothes, she punched me in the eye,

and I'm the one who's gonna look like an idiot

in front of millions of people. It's just not fair.

So, Katie did that?

You didn't tell me.

Yeah, yeah, yes. Okay, yes, fine.

She did it, yes.

And this whole thing is such a bloody mess.

-Mm. -Do you know, I sneak out

of this hotel every morning to avoid running into her dad,

who is, of course, staying here,

eating every single last one of their bar nuts.

God, that man loves nuts.

Lots of people love nuts. I love nuts.

God, why is this happening to me?

Is that rhetorical, or do you want an actual answer?

I can take it.

I think it's because some people see you

as a narcissistic asshole with a punchable face.

-Case in point. -Do people see me that way?

Some people do.

-Do you see me that way? -No.

Not all the time.

I mean, you're choosing to stay at a hotel instead of my apartment,

and some people might find that perplexing.

You have a roommate, and, you know, moving in is a big step.

We're having a child together.

Okay, well, if I'm such a total bastard, why would you even wanna be with me?

Well, at first, mostly your face.

But then, also your mind, and that accent.

Seriously, it's like having sex with Paddington Bear.

-And that does it for me. -Well, a wise bear

always has a marmalade sandwich underneath his hat.

-What are you talking about? -It's just what the bear says.

Look, every human is a mixed bag.

We all have our good qualities and our terrible ones,

and neuroscience tells us our brains have plasticity.

That means through repetition and intention,

we decide who we're gonna become.

And you? I think you're at a crossroads.

But I think you are going to step up

and become the man I know you're capable of being.

-And what if I don't? -Well, then I move on.

There, all done. Anything else?

-A bold lip, perhaps? -I think I'm good.

Coward. I'm going back to class.

Oh.

Huh?

-You took it? -Yeah, I did.

You did the one thing I never did to make me feel worse?

Hmm. Okay.

Look, I know you didn't like it

when I called you a rock star, but you are.

-Please don't. -You are.

Get over it.

But recently, you have been doing some stuff that's a little loser-ish.

I know, because I have been there.

Lack of game recognizes lack of game.

Ugh.

Katie, you were right about me. I didn't bounce back.

And I am not resilient. And I hope I didn't pass that down to you.

Come on. You love this place.

The only thing you need to do to stay is to be brave.

And to write a letter that says that you're mentally ill.

-Jesus Christ. -Ack.

Help me write it.

The Elizabeth Stoddard Student Center just opened.

You'll notice, right behind you,

we kept the original brick facade from 1821.

-Cristle said you were here. -Thank you.

You know, I hate this damn building.

-Ah. -They took a classic example

of Neo-Gothic architecture and slapped a greenhouse on it.

Well, they also added

-a smashburger place. -Exactly.

We're sacrificing tradition for what?

More fat kids? We damn sure got plenty of those.

No, no. Not out loud.

-Thank you. -Okay.

What brought all this on?

-Rough dinner with Dean Riggs. -Mm.

And I had to tell him we were cutting his budget.

It just feels like this is my whole job now.

People come and ask me for things

that they really care about, I have to say no,

and then they hold it against me.

Okay, your real friends know that this comes with the gig.

-We're not gonna hold it against you. -Hope so.

I have to move The Ludlow Review online.

It's part of our Green Initiative.

Every year we print it, it just winds up

littered all over campus like a paper factory exploded.

Walt, you can't do that.

So many people are gonna be upset.

No. The 36 students who get published will be upset.

Some of their 72 parents, and...

and me.

I read it cover to cover every year.

I'm really sorry.

"All of that said, I am truly and profoundly sorry.

My behavior was unhinged, and I--"

-I don't love "unhinged." -Really?

I'm gonna use "overwhelmed."

It's your letter. Doesn't have to be great.

But I love it.

Okay, done.

-Look at this guy. -Mm.

-I get to hide him, right? -All yours.

I'm gonna save it for when I need a pick-me-up.

Like, first time I see that fucker

-pushing around a stroller. -Mm.

Wait, what now?

Hi! Hi, I'm so sorry.

-I forgot my key again. -No problem.

That's happening to you a lot.

I know, I'm so mad at myself!

How do we expect the Russian government

to respond to this bold move from Downing Street?

Well, it's certainly not going to go smoothly,

that's for sure.

-You got her pregnant?! -No, is that a ladle?

Not now!

-Mr. Bates... -It's a big opportunity, Greg!

...you're live on the BBC.

Ow!

-Is that Greg? -Yes.

Fuck him up.

-Oh! -Oh, my God.

-Oh! -Oh!

Eli! Eli!

Eli, you okay? You need your inhaler?

Hey there.

You got a coffee walk in you?

Can't. I'm really busy.

-Hey. -Hey!

I appreciate you putting all this unfortunate fire business to rest.

Oh, yeah. No problem at all.

Say, when you were in the cold plunge, you didn't happen to see my gun, did you?

-I did not. -It's fine.

I probably left it on my dash.

Ah! Oh! No.

I left it at the gun range.

Best place to leave a gun.

They're hard to keep track of.

I thought I'd try to be less perplexing.

I'm funnier than people think.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ugh, this fucking guy.

Hello, Mo. How are you?

What, are you moving in?

Well, thanks for coming to see me off.

Yeah.

I'm not, like, crushed that you're leaving.

No offense.

But I am really glad that you came.

Me, too.

-I love you. -I love you back.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, sweetie.

-See you Monday! -Wait, what?

Go, go, go!

Bye-bye.