Original subtitles

Farmer Brown's apple tree had 12 apples on it.

Boy, he's havin' a bad year.

Four boys climbed the tree and picked all the apples.

If all of the boys picked the same number, how many apples did each boy get?

Come on. Twelve apples, four boys.

How many apples did each boy get? Can I have a Toll House cookie?

No. You can't have any cookies until you do your arithmetic.

- Now how many apples did each boy get? - Four?

- Well, that's close, but close ain't good enough. Come on now. - Five?

Oh, boy. It don't begin with an "F." It begins with a "T."

Ten? Oh, Harold!

Two? For Pete's sake!

I'm hungry. No. You can't have any cookies until... Just a minute.

Now, Farmer Brown's apple tree had 12 of my Toll House cookies on it.

If you and three of your friends climbed the tree,

what would be your share? Three.

Oh, thank heavens. Now you can go get your cookie.

I don't know what to say. In reading, Harold's one of my brightest pupils.

Oh, he's smart as a whip. Miss Lewis is talking about his arithmetic.

Oh. Well, that ain't his strong point. He's more the artistic type.

Perhaps so, Hazel, but he still has to learn arithmetic.

Oh, I been workin' with him. But if you don't mind a tip from an amateur,

if you got any problems with apples in them,

change them to Toll House cookies and he'll do lots better.

Well, if Toll House cookies will help him understand the principle, I'm all for them.

- Ain't she sweet? - Yes, she is.

Well, I thank you both. How come you never got married?

- Hazel. - Oh, that's all right. Nobody's asked me.

- No men in your life? - Hazel, really.

I have a lot of men in my life.

I'm with 18 men, all single, nearly every day.

Well, for Pete's sake, what's the matter with them?

You're a real good-lookin' girl if you just took them glasses off.

Hazel, the men I'm referring to are all eight years old.

Oh, you mean the kids at school.

Oh, well, I'll introduce you down around the bowlin' alley if you like.

Hazel, that's enough. Okay. I'm goin'.

I go every Friday night. Just give me a ring. Hazel!

I'm goin'. I'm goin'.

Terrific bunch of fellas.

But you don't have to worry about dressin' up.

You know, just wear somethin' comfortable so you look all right when you bend over.

♪♪

Put it on the table, Al. I hope you remembered to wipe your feet for once.

Oh! Oh, Mr. Blake.

I thought you was the bread man.

Oh, you back from work so soon?

Yes. I came home early to help my new housekeeper. She started today.

Yeah, I saw her. I hope she works out.

Boy, it's tough raisin' four kids without a mother.

Little Stevie suggested that I marry you. He's a big fan of yours.

Oh, for Pete's sake. I'm old enough to be your... older sister.

Hazel. Yes?

Stan, I didn't hear you come in.

That's because I sneaked in to steal Hazel's recipe for roast beef.

Now seriously, Hazel, we're having a roast tonight. How do you fix yours?

I want to tell my new housekeeper.

Well, you set the oven to broil and keep it there all the while.

Then you cook it for about an hour for a six-pounder.

Keeps the juices in, makes it nice and crusty.

Thank you. I'll tell Mrs. Muldoon.

How's she working out, Stan? Well, judging from lunch,

I should say she's the sort of cook who makes

a restaurant meal seem very inviting. Yeah.

I knew it the minute I saw her. Too skinny.

I never saw a good cook yet that didn't jiggle a little.

Well, I'll tell her about the roast beef. Maybe we can fatten her up.

Come on over after dinner. We'll play some Scrabble.

Fine. I will. Thanks, Hazel. Bye.

He's such a nice... widower.

Well, yes... What? Miss Lewis.

And she loves kids. Well, of course she does.

Hazel, Miss Lewis and Stan don't even know each other.

Missy, that's a terrific idea. We'll get them together.

Oh.

Darling, if you stop to think about it, I'm sure... No.

You'll see I'm right. No.

Now, Miss Lewis is a lovely, intelligent woman, right?

Right. The answer is no.

And Stan's a lonely widower. Right? Wrong. The answer is no.

He is too. So why don't we just have them both over for dinner?

- Dorothy, don't be a matchmaker. - Why not?

Hazel, wouldn't you be more comfortable

eavesdropping in here? There's a draft in there.

That's 'cause you never fixed that door.

I told you a dozen times to put weather strippin' on it.

Mr. B., that Mr. Stan needs somebody to look

after him. Now listen to me, both of you.

Stan neither needs nor wants your interference in his private life.

He's a very successful executive. He makes a lot of money.

And on top of that, he's a nice-looking guy.

So don't you think he can find all the dates he wants?

- But them kids need a mother. - That's for Stan to decide.

And Miss Lewis is just the one. What is it with you women?

Is an unattached male some kind of a challenge to you?

You have a nest-building instinct, like birds.

Except birds are smarter. They stick to building their own nests.

Miss Lewis would be just perfect.

If it comes to introducing somebody to Stan, it will not be Miss Lewis.

Who then? Well, uh, Mimi Andrews, for example.

Oh, Mr. B., are you kiddin'?

No, I'm not kidding. She's my partner's sister, and I've known her for years.

- What's wrong with her? - Oh, nothin' physical, I'm sure.

Boy, there's nothin' like the desert air in Reno for health.

And she's been there so much, she's a regular commuter.

- She goes through marriages like they was revolvin' doors. - Oh, she does not.

She had a couple of marriages that didn't work out, but that doesn't mean anything.

There's Stan now.

The poor, lonely fella. Comin' over here to

play Scrabble when what he really wants is...

Hazel, just answer the door and don't give him a character reading.

Yes, sir. And then I'll put on the tea.

Now I don't want you reading tea leaves.

Dorothy, tell her not to read tea leaves. Hazel, no tea leaves.

Okay.

Oh, hi, Mr. Blake. Hazel.

How'd the roast come out? It was crusty, Hazel, clear through.

Oh, well, she cooked it too long.

I'll drop by tomorrow and teach her a thing or...

Oh, speakin' of teachin'... Hazel!

I was just gonna say Harold's teacher came by 'cause he wasn't so good in arithmetic.

That had nothing to do with Mr. Blake. How are you, Stan?

Hi, George. Sure it has somethin' to do.

His Stevie's in the same class with Harold.

I thought he'd like to know his boy is bein' taught by someone...

that has a real feelin' for kids.

I am interested. Thank you, Hazel.

I didn't say nothin' about her bein' attractive

or not married, if that's what you're thinkin'.

Gorgeous, you might say. Hazel, please.

You have to fight back, Stan. It's the only way to survive. Oh, it can't be that bad.

Oh, you don't know Hazel. She knows

everything that goes on in this neighborhood.

And she'll try to run your life. Worse things could happen.

Hi, Dorothy. How are you? Fine. How are you?

Well, just at the moment, I'm intrigued by this teacher. Tell me.

Stan, forget it. She's not your type.

She's sweet, smart, gorgeous and loves kids.

What type do you go for, Mr. Blake? Hazel, please.

Oh, okay, Mr. B.

We had some lemon meringue pie left from dinner. Would you like a slice?

The coffee's still hot. Love some, Hazel.

I'll give you a hand. I'll have a piece.

- A man needs a woman, you know, to do things for him like that. - I'll have a piece too.

Like Missy and me do for Mr. B.

Hazel, I said I'll have a piece of pie too.

Oh, no. You can't have any, Mr. B.

You know, he has this weight problem.

If I didn't watch him, he'd need license

plates and a driver from the Teamsters union.

- Honestly, that woman. - Oh, she's marvelous. And she thinks the world of you.

Yes, I guess she does. But, oh, she can be irritating at times.

Well, now, what about that schoolteacher?

Am I going to meet her? Hey, Missy, come here.

Oh, forget it. You know women. Hazel and

Dorothy were trying to do a little matchmaking,

- and I put a stop to it. - Why?

A man in your position must have people matchmaking for him all the time.

I'd think you'd get a little sick of that.

People don't do too much matchmaking for widowers with children.

You must know a lot of women. Oh, a few.

But they're not interested in taking on the responsibility of four kids.

Well, aren't there any girls in your office? Oh, sure.

But, well, they're girls. Nineteen, 20.

Well, where girls are concerned, that's a pretty good vintage.

George, with wine and women, I like mine mellowed a bit.

Stan, I've had the wrong picture.

Hazel and Dorothy were right. Oh, Mr. B.'s a doozy.

We'll definitely have to introduce you to someone.

And I think I know just the person. My partner's sister, Mimi Andrews.

Well, for Pete's sake. Wait till he finds lumps in his cereal tomorrow morning.

And as you know, the sidewalk cafés in Rome are simply enchanting.

I've never been in Rome, Miss Andrews.

Oh, please, call me Mimi.

Actually, I went there to do the museums, but

I didn't care for them much. Too touristy.

I wanted to see the real Rome.

The Rome we've all read about. And I found it in the sidewalk cafés.

Oh, that was living.

- I met Hollywood stars by the dozens. - Really?

Oh, yes. And there was one mad Hungarian producer...

who wanted to star me in a production of Romulus and Remus.

Hmm. Of course, I turned him down.

Thank you.

What nice hands you have. They're so... so masculine. Thank you.

- You like bologna, Mr. Blake? - Hazel, please.

I was talkin' about the canapés. Them rolled ones in the center is bologna.

What was you thinkin' about, Mr. B.? Uh, never mind.

Did somethin' else remind you... Hazel, will you please serve them?

Them on the left is the waistline watchers.

Thank you. That's something I don't have to worry about.

I've stayed the same size since I was 16.

These three and four-way stretches is wonderful, ain't they?

Canapé, Mr. Blake? Yes. Thanks, Hazel.

Well, how's those four healthy, lively, noisy kids of yours tonight?

Oh, fine. Hazel, please.

Never mind. I'll serve them. You'd better go in the kitchen. Something's burning.

I don't know what could be burnin'. Me.

Stan?

I don't understand this part where "A" and "B" have an equal number and then "C"...

Well, that's easy. All you need is...

All you need is expert help. I'm gonna call Miss Lewis.

But you're an expert.

Huh. No, Sport. I'm better at bakin' apples than I am at dividin' them.

This will solve all our problems.

Hello, Miss Lewis? Hazel.

I know this is a terrible thing to ask on a Saturday night, but, uh...

I just don't understand anything mechanical. That's why I'm so impressed.

- An electrical engineer. - It's just a job.

Oh, come on, Stan. Don't be so modest.

He's one of the top men in his organization. Really?

- Sure. He's just been offered a partnership. - Oh, how marvelous.

It's much more comfortable there in the living room.

The Baxters are having company, Hazel.

Oh, but you don't take up much room. And it's so hot and steamy in here.

We're almost finished. Oh, you are?

Uh, Hazel, we'll have our coffee in the living room.

I don't want to bother you, Mr. Blake, but our toaster's actin' up again.

I think the voltage is loose. Uh, Hazel, not now.

Well, I was just thinkin' of your toast at breakfast.

It's all right, George. It won't take a minute.

Now do you understand, Harold? I think so.

What seems to be the trouble with it, Hazel?

Well, it didn't pop up. Oh, Miss Lewis, I forgot. You're still here.

This is Miss Lewis, Harold's teacher.

This is Mr. Blake... Take off your glasses... Stevie's father.

- Oh, how do you do? - How do you do?

It's so hot and steamy in here, your glasses is all fogged up.

- Got nice eyes, ain't she? - Well, yes, but...

That ain't mascara, neither. Ask her how Stevie's doin' in school.

How is Stevie doing?

- Oh, fine, fine. Uh, he's a nice boy. - Thank you.

- Takes after his father. - Hazel and I belong to a mutual admiration society.

Oh, I admire Miss Lewis too. We didn't have teachers like her when I went to school.

She just wears these, you know, for readin'.

Oh, Hazel, I can't see a thing without them.

Stanley, uh, your coffee's getting cold.

You can fix that old toaster later.

I'll be over in the morning before breakfast, Hazel. I promise.

Swell. I mean, sure, Mr. Blake.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Lewis. I'm glad to have met you.

Say, Miss Lewis, any chance of you comin' over about 7:00 tomorrow morning...

to help Harold out with his arithmetic?

Twelve dates in two weeks. That's a record even for me.

And at the best places in town.

He must be loaded. Honey, George Baxter says he's practically a partner.

And with the right kind of wife, he could really go places.

Has he asked you yet? No, not yet. But it won't be long.

I know all the signs.

Oh, boy. Cute and smart and loaded.

Huh. It should happen to me.

Well, I may give a course after I get my own M-R-S degree.

You won't have time, what with the four kids and all.

I have a feeling they may just be going to boarding school.

Better put an extra coat on that one. That's the ring finger.

You're kiddin'? I was just sitting under the next dryer.

How do you like it? Oh, gorgeous.

What was she gettin', a complete overhaul? The works.

Oh, closin' in for the kill.

And, Hazel, after they're married, she's

going to send the children to boarding school.

No! What are you going to do?

Oh, I don't know. But this is a pretty desperate situation.

I may have to do somethin' fiendish.

They don't look like pancakes. Pancakes are flat.

They don't smell like pancakes either.

Oh, well, they'll be better than Mrs. Muldoon's.

They won't be as good as Hazel's though.

Well, I'm sure they'll be delicious whatever they are.

According to the recipe, they're pancakes.

But any resemblance is purely coincidental. Mrs. Muldoon's day off.

Oh, well, never mind. I made a batch of popovers.

Oh, boy, swell! Great!

I doubled the recipe by mistake. Mr. B. couldn't possibly finish all those.

- It's a shame to have them go to waste. - Hazel, I love you.

Why don't you marry her like I said?

I hear your daddy's got other plans.

What other plans? Never you mind.

You just go find your brother and sister for breakfast. Don! Linda!

Don! Linda! How did you know?

Well, I figured you been seein' her almost every evenin'...

As long as you guessed anyway, look.

Oh, gorgeous.

Almost big enough to hang on a chandelier.

Yeah. I plan to pop the question at dinner tonight. Wish me luck.

Oh, I do.

I tried to call her a few minutes ago to make the date for tonight.

- But I guess she isn't up yet. - Oh, she's up. She's over at our house.

- At this time in the morning? - Oh, sure. She came over for breakfast.

She said she had somethin' she wanted to talk over with Mr. B.

Oh. Well, I'll call her at home later.

- Have you told the kids? - No. I wanted to wait and see if she accepted me first.

And then that gives me a chance to break it to them kind of gradually.

- They like her? - Well, I'm sure they will. Who wouldn't?

Of course, they haven't seen much of her. Mimi and I have been going out to dinner.

- Oh. - Actually, I guess they've only seen her a couple of times.

Oh. Well, after you have your breakfast, why don't you come over to our house?

You could arrange your date for tonight.

Well, but if she's talking to George...

Oh, she'll be dyin' to see you. She can't talk about nothin' else.

Really? Okay, Hazel, I'll come.

Now, sit down. I'll get your breakfast.

Oh, boy, I ate too many popovers. Mmm. They were delicious.

Well, now, Mimi, what's this matter you wish to discuss?

Well, it's just a crazy thought that came to me during the night.

I'm afraid you're gonna think I'm a silly girl.

No. No, I won't. Oh, yes, you will.

You're a lawyer and you have such a marvelously logical mind.

Silly me. All I'm good for is doing work for charities and things like that.

Well, uh, tell me about it.

You remember my ex-husband? Fred.

No. Frank. Fred was the one before. Oh, excuse me.

Frank is doing very well financially. Very well. And I'm happy for him.

I am not one to hold a grudge, you know that, George.

I guess that's why I do so much for charity. I just love people.

Oh, Mimi, I know you do.

Now Frank is paying me alimony.

Alimony is tax deductible, isn't it, George? Oh, yes.

So, in effect, you could say that it really isn't costing him anything.

Isn't that right? Well, not exactly.

Well, at least it's costing him very little, and he can afford it.

He's done so well since we broke up.

Now if I remarry... Oh, do things look that way?

I think so. Oh, good. Very good.

Thank you, George.

Now I don't want to do anything illegal or immoral or anything like that.

But I do have to consider the charities I support.

The orphanages and hospitals and things like that.

So is there any way...

that we could make Frank keep on paying me alimony?

You mean, if you remarry?

Yes. No!

Mr. B., Mr. Blake's here.

Oh, hiya, Stan. Oh, Stan, darling.

Mmm. How are you this morning?

Good morning, Mimi. Now that I'm with you, I'm fine.

I'm just fine. Oh, don't they make a terrific couple?

Yes... Yes, they do. I can almost smell the orange blossoms.

How about dinner tonight? I'd love it.

This is going to be a very special evening.

So I want to go someplace very special.

What about the Candlelight Room? French cuisine. Oh, it's terrific.

How do you know? I know the chef. Polish fella.

We went to grammar school together.

Candlelight Room okay? Well, I... I don't know.

Oh, it's really snazzy. It's got soft music and everything.

Even candles on the table. It's so dark, you can hardly find the plate.

Hazel, don't overdo it. Oh, well, Mr. Blake couldn't take her to his house.

Those kids would nearly drive Miss Andrews crazy.

They would not, darling. I think your children are charming.

Oh, well, maybe I got kind of out of line.

- Maybe you would like to spend an evening with them. - Well, of course I would.

Oh, well, then you can have dinner there after all.

Well, yes. Oh, but not tonight.

It's Mrs. Muldoon's day off. Oh, darling, I'm sorry. I would have loved it.

Well, I... I guess we'll just have to have dinner at the Candlelight Room.

Oh, you wouldn't want to disappoint her, Mr. Blake.

It's my night off too. So I can fix dinner for you.

Oh, I couldn't let you do that, Hazel. Certainly not.

Oh. Well, I was kind of lookin' forward to makin' a few extra bucks on the side.

- You mean you'd let me pay you? - Sure. Five bucks an evenin'.

- It's a deal! - All right then.

I'll fix your dinner for you in front of the fireplace.

A little card table just for the two of you.

You know, soft music, candles, the works.

Sound nice? Well, yes. Very nice.

And I'll feed the kids in the kitchen.

Because if she had to eat at the same table with them, it'd drive her almost crazy.

Darling, they would not. I think your children are adorable.

Oh, well, fine. Then I'll feed you all together at the dining room table.

Okay, Miss Andrews? Well, of course it's okay. It's perfect.

Sweetheart, you're upset. Well, yes, darling.

I... I'm... I'm... I have an appointment and I'm late.

Come on. I'll walk you to the car. See you later, George, Hazel.

Hazel Burke, you have a diabolical mind.

I don't know what you're talkin' about, Mr. B. Oh, yes, you do.

You think Stan will change his mind about Mimi when he sees her with his family.

Well, you're all wrong, because she loves children.

Oh, well, then I ain't so diabolical after all, huh, Mr. B.?

There we are. Now do you need anything?

Not a thing, Hazel. Thank you. If you do, just yell out.

Ouch! Stevie pinched me! I did not.

I was holding my fingers like this and she stuck her leg in between them.

All right, you two, that's enough.

- Have you ever had a wart? - A what?

- A wart. - Good heavens, no.

- They don't come from toads. - Well, I didn't say they did.

Where do warts come from?

- Mavis, that's enough talk about warts. - Okay.

How old are you? Oh, he should never have asked that.

- Stan!

- She's over 21 and that's all you need to know.

Why are your eyelashes so black?

That's makeup, sweetheart.

It looks sticky. They are sticky.

All right, Stevie.

If you close your eyes, can you open them again?

Of course, I...

Of course, I can, sweetheart. See?

Oh. I think your eyes are beautiful. Oh, thank you, dear.

Daddy, can I have some eye makeup?

No, Linda, you can't. I've told you a dozen times.

- But if you don't think it looks cheap on her, then why... - Linda, that's enough.

Stanley, I am going out of my...

- It's probably for me. - Hazel will answer it.

A lot of the kids are comin' over to play records tonight.

Somebody probably wants to know what time to come.

Hazel will answer it.

Hi, Mr. B. How you doin'?

I'm doing fine. I just want to be sure you're doing fine.

Hazel, I want your word of honor you won't sabotage Miss Andrews.

Oh, Mr. B., I wouldn't do a thing like that.

I'm just lettin' nature take its course.

By the sound of things, nature just took it.

Hold on a sec.

Oh, it's just terrible! Quickly, give me a towel!

Oh, for Pete's sake, what happened? Mavis spilled her milk.

That little brat just ruined a $200 dress.

Brat? Yes, brat! All of them!

They don't belong at a dining table! They belong in a zoo!

A zoo? Yes, zoo!

And I'm getting out of here!

I see. Well, I'll drive you home.

Don't bother! I can walk!

That's perfectly all right with me.

Hi, Mr. B. Was you gettin' good reception?

See you later. Oh, Mr. B., keep out of that refrigerator.

Miss Lewis? Hazel.

I'm over at the Blakes' and little Stevie's havin' trouble with his arithmetic.

I was wonderin' maybe you could drop over and give him a hand?

Good. I'll save you some dessert.

This has been a Screen Gems Film Production...

from the Hollywood Studios of Columbia Pictures.