Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen...

Dave... Chappelle!

Man, thank you, guys.

Thanks, man.

What's up, everybody?

Yo, what's up, man?

Thank you, guys, man, shoot.

Thank you, man.

Thanks... oh.

Oh man, you all got me like, you got me touched tonight.

I would actually cry but the reefer has dried my eyes out.

You know, I wish my grandmother could see me.

My grandmother gave me the best advice in my life.

She said, "you know, Dave,

"everybody wants to be the first person

"to do something.

"Well, let me tell you something.

"Don't ever be the first black person

to do anything."

Because anytime you hear

about the first black dude that did something,

it's a terrible story, no matter how benign.

Imagine, like who was the first black person

to take a shit on a white toilet?

Well, we did some research

and I think you'll be surprised at what we found.

Good evening, I'm Philip Halston.

In 1954, the United States was marred with unrest.

With the bus boycotts in Montgomery,

and Brown versus the Board of Education

still under deliberation,

the social climate was changing rapidly.

It was in this context that one man,

Cyrus Holloway, made history

when he took on the rural town of Hartsfield, Alabama.

I remember it was a hot day

and I was working the double shift at the steel mill.

Between shifts I went outside

and bought myself a roast beef sandwich

from a boy who that used to sell 'em out front.

But little did I know that roast beef sandwich

would change my life forever.

Not long after lunch, I felt a bubblin' in my stomach,

an evil bubblin'.

A bubble that to me signified nothing else

but the early stages of mud butt.

I had to take a dump.

I had to take a dump immediately.

The closest colored bathroom was located

in the basement of the steel mill near the boiler room.

Oh, that toilet was disgusting.

It wasn't fit for Christian butt cheeks.

My only options at that time

were I could either go doo-doo in my trousers,

which I couldn't do,

that was my only good pair at the time.

Or, I could use the white restroom.

It was risky, but so was mud butt.

Mr. Holloway proceeded to go to the white restroom

and take what would be known

as one of the most significant dumps

in American history.

After the historic dump began,

one of Holloway's co-workers, Austin Stringer,

entered the restroom.

He immediately called the local police

who were being followed by a television crew.

There he is, officer!

Come outta there, Holloway.

With all due respect... (farting)

I got the mud butt.

(Cyrus) While I was on the toilet, they sicced dogs on me...

sprayed me with water...

good lord, it's mud butt!

Finally, I just let them haul me off to jail.

Book 'im.

Desecration of a white facility with negroid feces.

Here's your evidence.

I could make about three, four more bags of that

if you want, sir.

Cyrus was charged with using a white rest facility

and faced nine years in prison.

Word spread quickly around Hartsfield

and the nation at large.

Civil rights activists throughout the United States

descended on this tiny Alabama town,

almost immediately.

My brothers and sisters,

we are gathered here today to discuss

matters of the cocka-dookie and the stinky-stinky.

Yes! Yes, sir!

I have a question to pose to the government...

(farting)

Why can't my turd float next to yours?

Our voices will be heard!

It was the first and largest demonstration of its kind,

the nation's first shit-in.

No, my brothers and sisters do not run!

Turn your butt cheeks toward the aggressors

and let them clean your butt cheeks

with the cascading water.

This is a good thing, my brothers and sisters.

The shit-in made national news

and the American legal society picked up the case

and took it all the way to the Supreme Court.

(protesters chanting)

In the case of Holloway versus the State of Alabama,

the Supreme Court rules in favor of Mr. Holloway.

(applause)

(gaveling)

It is my opinion that no matter what the color of your skin,

your feces will be brown.

Except for the clay colored ones,

and of course, the spinach green.

And, no matter what the hue of your poo,

it will undoubtedly stink.

Good day.

(Cyrus) By the time they read that verdict,

my butt, my butt was calling.

I suppose I was happy about winning,

but what I was most happy about

was that I could get up from that courtroom

and use the toilet.

How you doin', Ms. Pippen?

(fart) Ahh!

I just remember goin' in that bathroom

and takin' the first...

free dump that I'd ever taken in my life.

Beautiful dump.

As a matter of fact, the choir from my church came.

And I'm gonna lay down my burden

down by the riverside down by the riverside

down by the riverside

I'm gonna lay down my burden

down by the riverside

I'm gonna study war no more...

(fart)

It is all just a matter

of the stinky stinky and the cocka-dookie.

I'm Philip Halston, good night.

Well, I ain't gonna study war no more

we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show

after these messages.

Wooo!

(phone ringing)

Hello, and good evening.

It's me.

What?!

It's me.

What?!

It's me... Lil' Jon.

Okayyy!

I'm feeling lonely.

I feel like I just need to talk to someone

who will understand,

and, well, that someone is you, Jon.

Okayyy!

Don't you like popsicles?

What?!

I said, don't you like popsicles?

What?!

I said, don't you like popsicles?

Yeah!

What?!

Yeah!

Okayyy!

Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this world

and I have no one to go to!

What?!

I said, sometimes I feel like I'm all alone

in this world and I have no one, sir!

What?!

No one!

What?!

To go to.

Huh?

No one! That understands my pain!

Yeah!

Sometimes when I'm alone,

I sit on my hand and wait 'til it gets numb

and masturbate.

I call that a "stranger."

Have you given yourself a stranger?

What?!

A stranger?

Yeah, yeah I do.

Okay!

Yeah!

(phone ringing)

Hold on.

They callin' me.

Lil' Jon? It's Oprah.

How are you?

Good, listen, I'm pregnant.

(laughs)

Are you sure it's mine?

I'm sure, it's yours.

Ahh, skeet skeet skeet skeet!

I love you.

Okay, bye bye!

It was Oprah. (laughs)

She's having our baby.

Yeah!

I can't hear you, my cell phone's breaking up.

I can't hear you.

Sounds like your phone is breaking up.

What?!

Okay! yeah!

Yeah!

What?! Okay!

Yeah! Affirmative.

Huh? Roger! Yeah!

What?!

Meltin' down! Ahh!

Bye, nigga!

(announcer) You've just watched

"A Moment in the Life of Lil' Jon."

Hey gang, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

Don't go anywhere.

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to the Chappelle show.

Hey everybody, welcome back.

Welcome back to the show.

You know, I've talked about a lot of things on the show,

I've made fun of so many different people.

And people say, Dave, you talk about everybody

except the President, why don't you do that?

Well, 'cause he's the President.

Now, I know my limits, ladies and gentlemen

and I wouldn't wanna cross 'em.

But I will say this.

If our President were black,

we would not be at war right now.

Not because a black person

wouldn't have done something like that,

just because America wouldn't let a black person

do something like that

without asking them a million questions.

You know, they always do polls,

like, "minorities just don't seem to trust their government."

Because you don't understand what it looks like for us.

So let me help paint the picture.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you now, "Black Bush."

(female narrator) President Bush continues to make his case

for an invasion of Iraq.

After carefully examining the region,

me and my cabinet agree that that area

is definitely ripe for regime change.

A'ight.

But if I can be real about it...

be real, son. Be real?

Be real real, son.

They tried to kill my father, man.

Word.

I don't play that shit.

Say word, he tried to kill your father, son.

That nigga tried to kill my father!

Word to everything we love,

we comin' to see ya'll, son.

Meanwhile, President Bush

and British Prime Minister Tony Blair

offered a spirited explanation for a possible war with Iraq.

This nigga very possibly has weapons of mass destruction.

I can't sleep on that.

Not on my watch!

That's not how I roll, that shit is serious!

Now if you don't want to take my word for it,

why don't you ask Tony Blair?

He got a whole 'nother set of intelligence.

What's up, Tony?

We don't know much about Saddam,

but we can't trust random niggas

with things like that, as George so eloquently put it.

I'm with him 100% of the way.

We don't know what he has.

(male narrator) If United States goes to war with Iraq,

will it first have to provide evidence

that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?

So far, the U.N. Has found nothing,

but President Bush counters with this:

The nigga bought aluminum tubes!

Do I need to tell you

what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube?

Aluminum!

That don't scare you?

Fine, I didn't wanna say this...

the motherfucker bought some yellow cake, okay, in Africa.

He went to Africa and he bought yellow cake.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure, bitch!

I got the head of CIA right here, he'll tell you!

Are you sure...

are you sure... I can't believe you motherfuckers.

This is ridiculous... ridiculous!

Me and Jeb just comin' back from Africa.

Cradle of fuckin' civilization.

And this nigga out here buyin' yellow cake.

From the motherland.

Are you sure it was yellow cake?

Y'all niggas don't believe me,

I got some yellow cake right here!

Look, you see, you believe this shit now.

Don't drop that shit!

I know, I know what to do with it!

That's why I got it wrapped up in this special CIA napkin.

Just don't drop that shit here.

You better hope I don't drop this shit!

Pray to God you don't drop that shit.

Yellow cake.

Fuckin' right.

A sensitive accusation for this administration

is the theory held by many that the real reason

the U.S. is so interested in toppling Saddam

is control of the oil that Iraq is sitting on.

(woman) What about people who say

you're only interested in the Middle East for oil?

What?

Huh? Oil?

Who said something about oil, bitch, you cookin'?

Oil?

Man, I don't know.

Come on ya'll, get outta here!

President Bush met with U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan

and made it clear the U.S. will act

even if the U.N.is reluctant.

U.N., you have a problem with that?

Know what you should do?

You should sanction me.

Sanction me with your Army.

Oh! Wait a minute!

You don't have an Army!

I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up!

That's what I'd do if I had no Army.

I would shh! The fuck up.

Shut-the-fuck-up!

That's right, Kofi Annan.

You think I'm gonna take orders from an African?

You might speak 16 languages, but you gonna need 'em

when you in Times Square selling fake hats.

I know Gucci when I see it, nigga, I'm rich.

I got a coalition of the willing.

I got 40 nations, ready to roll, son!

(man) Like who?

Who the fuck said that?

Huh? Huh?

Like who?

England.

Japan's sending Playstations.

Stankonia said they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad.

Rickety Row is coming!

Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation.

That means I am not doing this by myself

and I am not disrespecting the U.N.

Even though they don't got no Army.

Go sell some medicine, bitches!

Trying to get that oil... oh, ho!

The U.S. fired the opening salvo in the war on Iraq

with at least 40 Tomahawk cruise missiles

and precision guided bombs, centering on Baghdad.

(announcer) Good evening.

Tonight, President George Bush

is on board the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln

off the California coast.

It will be the sight of what is essentially

his victory speech in the war against Iraq.

(clears throat)

What did I say?

I'm not gloatin', but what did I say?

Did I not say that we would win that shit?

We rocked 'em, 'bamas! We rocked 'em!

Nigga, you see me come in on that plane?

Shhhh...!

Da da da da da da da da dah!

For the second straight day, these hardline Iraqis

protested the American presence here.

Mr. President, when do you think

they'll hold general elections in Iraq?

Damn, I knew I shouldn't have called on this nigga!

I should not have called on you

because you're always trying distract motherfuckers

with things like the war and skirt all the real issues.

Gay people are getting married, folks.

Yes... nasty! Imagine that?

Two women touchin' on each other's tittie balls,

wrestlin' them,

gently strokin' those nipples

until they get just so stiff and erect!

Blowin' on 'em.

Men... barbecue...

I like you. I like you too, dog.

Let's get married, man.

It's crazy!

What about your...

that shit is gross!

Mr. President, sir, how do you explain

the continual upheaval in Iraq

even after the capture of Saddam Hussein?

Why are you doing this, man?

I thought you was my black brother.

Why you asking me questions like that?

Fine, I'll answer your stupid-ass question.

Here's what I feel about Iraq.

I feel like you guys keep trying to distract people with Iraq

when I'm focusing on other things, namely the moon.

Yes, I said it, the moon.

Can't be distracted.

"What's going on with the war?

What's wrong with the economy?"

Stop worrying about that... I got that shit under control!

Let's focus on space, nigga.

The United States of Space.

'Cause I ain't stoppin' at the moon.

Write this down: M-A-R-S, Mars, bitches.

That's where we are going.

Mars, red rocks!

Yeah, yeah!

We're gonna take a quick commercial break.

Don't go nowhere and we'll be right back

with more Chappelle show.

Turn on your TV.

What you goin' to see?

Ladies and gentleman,

make noise for Outkast's own Big Boi!

It's like this,

sucka go right to motherfuckin' high.

Give me a back, Roy.

Okay, I start out all alone

'cause my baby mama left me but there's nobody at home

beginning to feel like Ms. Jackson done got cloned

well, it's some real shit

and I'm livin' it through this song

a moving vehicle took my family

as I slept out on the sofa in the boom boom room

I woke up very upset

I throw the covers back and peep out through the draperies

my daughter, my baby, my baby mama all escaping me

like a candle in the wind she was my friend

like Princess Di before she died

therefore we tried and tried again

but in the end you pay attention to the pluses

but the minuses behind make it seem like you can't win

throw your neck out throw your back out

throw your neck out

my neck and my back

this is dedicated... to that special lady

that I'm paying $3,000 a month for that baby

you know what your name is

round two, a single parent what is Big to do?

Throw a party? Not hardly

I'm trying to stay up outta that womb

that P-U-S-S I say uss

Luther Vandross couldn't make a home

out of this house that we smooshed

smashed, pushed to the limit smash and turned it timid

and everyone was suffering the house was feeling wicked

the cat got old the dog got old

the food got cold

both of our tempers were on swole'

for the most part you fuss, fight, fart

you build it up to break it down

and now take it from the start

repeatedly leading a path that only ends in a clash

of two stubborn minds grown folks blind to the sign

throw your neck out throw your back out

throw your neck out

throw your back out

come on throw your neck out, yeah

throw your back out throw your neck out

throw your neck, neck, neck out

throw your back out throw your back out

K.O. knocked out by technicality

the love has kissed the canvas

now the whole family gets mad at me

my daughter don't want me at her PTA meetings

and then my son he can't talk

when I change him he's peeing I think he's pissed

I can't dismiss the matter of the fact

because he saw me and you argue

now the energy is coming back

set an example

a positive pattern keep life on track

but I'm married to the music and committed to the wax

tapes and cds

baby please, you make me want to scream

you're on my team starting first string

so why are we arguing?

Take cds, baby please you make me want to scream

you're on my team starting first string

so why are we arguing?

Throw your fuckin' neck out

(applause)

I'd like to thank my guest, Big Boi of Outkast.

And I'd like to thank each and every one of you

for being here.

And everyone at home for supporting the show.

It's been an amazing season.

We love you, we thank you for it.

We shook up the world!

I'm out!

I'm rich bee-yotch!

(honk honk)

Hi, thank you!

Who do you know in Iraq?

The war is over! The war is over!

Bree-bye-bye!

You know who this is?

Antwone Fisher... he's still here.

He's still standing, he's still strong!

Just like America!

Antwone, take a bow!

Some brave teachers, big up to you teachers.

There's a milkman in the house, what's poppin'?

Rocksteady Crew's in the house.

Crazy legs, what's up, my nigga?